Nobody understands...

And it bloody sucks!

I have been without a decent computer for going on four months now and that is a hell of a long time for me.  My blue baby died in October of LAST YEAR and I haven't yet been able to get it fixed or gotten Randy to do something with it.  I started using the E-machine that Denise and Steve gave me that had till then been the kids computer but now even it is dying on me.  I don't understand.  I keep it cleaned out.  I don't put software that can be malicious on it and I use anti virus out the yang.  But yet within five minutes of getting on the internet this thing freezes up and takes nearly ten minutes to thaw.  Good God spell checking ONE WORD can take up to five minutes if it has a mind to.

And no one understands.  My mom lets me use her computer but then she has to come get me or I have to go over there. They've closed the library near me and the next is maybe fifteen miles so Can't go there because then I get a lecture on gas prices.

Someone had once offered to help me fix it but he's got his own life and contrary to what I want to beleive no part of it includes me.

I started a new med that is an anti depressant but at this point, it's such a low dose that my depression has now triumphed over it.  For one whole week I was okay.  Shit was sliding off me like a greased pig and now.  it's sticking.

I have no computer, I'm fucking alone and will be on yet another valentines day, my mom still treats me like I'm sixteen and no matter what I do I can't shake her, My frie3nds for the most part go about their dailly lives and don't give me even half a thought.

You know I bet if I just sat here not moving, not facebooking, not tweeting, and doing absolutely nothing even blogging, it would take the most diehard of my friends about three to four days to figure out that something was wrong.  DOn't get me wrong.  They are awesome friends but let's face it, in four days even three I could have died and be rotting and they wouldn't know it because I'm not one of those friends that they think about on a daily basis.  I think about them, most of them on a daily bais but I don't seek them oiut and say anything because most of my friends and I function under the allusion that if no one has called/texted me about you saying your dead, then you are alright.

But I'm not.

I hate my fucking life.  I can't do anything.  I can't get a job because I have no car.  I can't get a car because I have no job.  I think and I'm not 100% sure but almost there that my God sister has jilted me of the estate money my godmother left me.  Estates close after a year and it has been a little over that now.  Like 15 months.  I don't like sounding greedy but to be quite honest, that money is possibly the only thing that is going to save my ass right now. 

They have cut off my water twice.  I have managed to keep my power on but only by hook and crook.  I'm damn lucky they are still picking up my trash and my gas bill is over 400 because it's been at least three months since I was able to pay them.  Come spring, they WILL turn my gas off.  There is no doubt of that whatsoever.

I can't hold on much longer.  Randy says anything I need for the kids just tel him.  HE will send it but then he has a me moment or a minutes for his fiancee to shout at him because he's once again taking care of my children and he stops doing right and does what she wants him to.

And how freaking fair is this?  She had a effing PhD and a job, but HE has to pay for her mortgage, the childs daycare, and half of her household bills???  One wonders what the hell SHE'S paying for.  Then on top of that, his mother can't bleed her daughter dry anymore since she has massive medical problems so she's turned to bleeding Randy.  God knows what bills he's paying for her.

So I try not to complain when the child support is a little late because I know he has two other women sqwaking in his ear but how's it going to look when his first three kids are sitting in a dark cold house because he had to make a choice on which woman to listen to and his ex wife lost?

Won't look bad on him because I'm an adult, I should have a job,.  I should be contributing to the household.  Hell technically, I should be running th household.  It's kinda hard to do that without a job.

The best part, everyone is pretty much demanding I move.  Show me a way to move to a new house for free and I will do it.  Last time I checked, you need deposits, moving costs, and everything else that goes with moving.  If I can't get the money out him to pay the other stuff, how am I going to get that???  Hmm???

I have a fucking headache3. One that requires the new migraine med. 

I can't do this anymore.  I think I am just going to stop trying and let myself sink.  It's not like anyone is going to swim to the bottom to help me up so who bloody cares anymore.

Fuck life.  I'm done with it.

Shit list...

So everyone has a shit list.  You know the list of people who have done you so wrong that they end up on a list of people and places that you never want to associate with again.  Ya that list.  Everyone has one they may not call of shit list but everyone has one.

My sons music teacher is officially on said list now.

A couple of months back he sent home a form asking parents what they wanted their child to play in band.  I checked flute and piccolo.  I also checked saxophone because Randy said he would get the boy a sax if he wanted to play it.  I scratched out trumpet, trombone, and whatever else was there for two reasons.  One, I can't stand the sound of them on their own and two I know that parents have to pay for them and I own on a very fixed income and couldn't afford it.

Well imagine my sunrise when the boy comes home and announces that he now plays the trumpet in the school band.  I immediately wrote to the band director asking him what was the point of asking patents what they wanted their kids to play if is was going to ignore them and do what he wanted.  Is did not respond.  So them Jovaughn came home and said that I needed to buy him a mouth piece for the trumpet.  I politely wrote the band director another note telling him that since he had ignored my wishes, I was not going to acquiesce and buy the mouth piece.  He chose to ignore me and so of was all on him.  No response.

About a week ago the boy comes home and says that the band director has now told him that if he doesn't get the mouthpiece soon, he will fail.  Now I'm mad.

So the boy gets on the phone and calls his father and randy does the good thing and sends forty dollars so that I can buy the mouthpiece. I figured that if he could give me the money for the mouthpiece, I could atleast go and get the mouthpiece. Imagine my surprise when I got there and found out that the mouthpiece cost 50 dollars.  Yes! Fifty damn dollars.

Fortunately my mom had it on her. I now owe her twenty as she requested I put the other twenty in the tank.  But I'm still floored over how much a rigging mouthpiece costs.

Then they guy behind the counter dropped a little knowledge in me.  If the school provides the instrument they should also supply the mouthpiece.  He said that if multiple students use the mouthpiece, then they should sterilize them between uses.

I called the school and requested he call me back today.  I also let them know that if he doesn't call me back, I will be sitting there in the office until I see him.  If they try to have me escorted off the property then I will go to the board of education.

This has gone too far and I'm pretty sure that its going to go to levels that I've never had to go to with a teacher before.

BTW this also the same teacher that has now gone on three weeks to fill out a recommendation for for the boy to get into Northwest.  He'll be giving that back blank or filled out when I see him.  Enough is enough and I'm done with this.

People if you move to Charlotte, don't ever let your kids go to Ranson Middle school.. they suck ass and I am dining myself busting balls to keep my kids out of there next year....

Oi!!

Day one on the alien planet...

So last night I started my new meds. 
Lemme explain... A couple of months ago I finally went to the doctors and she said then that she was going to eventually put me on an anti depressent and true to her word, this visit, she did.
Although she very cleverly hid it and its side effects behind it being a daily migraine control med. 
You know this meds on television that tell you all the side effects up front?  Well there's always a couple that they don't mention on the ad...
So this new headache med... I asked her about the side effects yesterday and she said it was a combinations of things.  It would make me drowsy.  So take it at bedtime.  It might give me a couple of days where I will want to stay in bed all day.  Oh and... The biggie... It would increase my sexual desire.
I have little interest in actual sex so some interest might be nice.  Might not.  I can't imagine that I would go out coming onto strangers because I suddenly want to have sex but then again... It's me.  You know me.  Me on any kinda kick is dangerous in itself...
So this morning, I managed to drag my eyes open and realized usually by then I could at least form the idea to get out of bed whereas today it wasn't happening.  The doc called me back around twelve and said that while the effects of managing the migraines would take six weeks to reach best effect, the actual effects would be immediate.  The anti depressent would yes, make me want to stay in a dark room all day. (This has never been so with any of my meds) the increased sexual desire might take a week or so but the sleepiness would be immediate and level off in a little while.
Gotta say as long as its a little while, I guess I can deal with it.  I'm going to start the countdown at today to the increased sexual desire. 
This is going to be funny.  I know it will.  Funny sad, BTW.  Not funny, haha...

Okay I know its.serious cheating but I couldn't take it anymore...

I had to look up the number locations for the madness episode of How I Met Your Mother called "Bad News"...  The rewinding was driving me totally nuts!!  If it helps you... Great...

50 – Doctor’s Calendar
49 – Doctor’s Calendar in next scene 48 – Steak sauce (Marshall putting on food)
47 – 47th Annual Laser Tag tournament (Barney’s hand)
46 – 46th Society Certificate (Behind Lily)
45 – 45¢ Hot Wings (On table in front of Barney)
44 – 44 Beers on Tap (Behind Bar) 44 – Football Jersey
43 – Fertility Brochure (Marshall’s Hands)
42 – Fertility Brochure (Marshall’s Hands)
41 – Car poster (behind Dr. Stangel) 40 – NY’s 40 Greatest Landmarks Book (Ted’s hands)
39 – Room Number (Behind Robin) 38 – 38 Degrees (On newspaper)
37 – 37 Recipes (On Lily’s magazine)
36 – Marshall’s Dad’s beer
35 – Stock Market up 35.34 Points (On monitor)
34 – Stock Market up 35.34 Points (On monitor)
33 – Miners rescued from mine (On monitor)
32 – Lottery numbers (On monitor)
31 – Lottery numbers (On monitor)
30 – Lottery numbers (On monitor)
29 – Lottery numbers (On monitor)
28 – Lottery numbers (On monitor)
27 – Lottery numbers (On monitor)
26 – Home improvement shortcuts (Marshall’s dad’s book)
25 – The 25 Greatest Bridges (Ted’s Book)
24 – Basketball’s newest star #24 (On Magazine)
23 – Metro News 23 Logo
22 – Japanese news show 22 logo
21 – Today is 21 (Calendar behind Dr. Stangel)
20 – “Private” room 20
19 – Top 19 (Nekkid magazine in “Private” room 20)
18 – Lily and Marshall’s apartment number
17 – Specimen jar number
16 – Specimen jar number
15 – Bran Stix (Robin’s cereal)
14 – Sandy’s apartment number (1413)
13 – Sandy’s apartment number (1413)
12 – Days of Christmas card (Behind Marshall)
11 – America’s 11 somethings (Ted’s book)
10 – Robin Sparkles’ denim jacket
9 – On Marhsall’s fake file
8 – Exam room number
7 – Champagne
6 – On Marshall’s fake file part two
5 – Marshall’s high five
4 – Layers of the uterus sign
3 – Open ‘til 3 sign
2 – Clock on Marshall’s Dad’s desk
1 – Lily’s cab number

Whatever happened to Playground Justice??

Correct me if I am wrong but when I was growing up.  School yard offenses were generally solved by two people, let's call them the Offender and the ofendee, in the school yard or appropriate setting surrounded by a whole bunch of kids screaming "Fight! Fight! Fight!" while they duked it out...

Am I wrong or were my childhood years just special?


Why is it that kids today have so much difficulty solving playground problems?

I think it's part society, part, school, part government, and part the parents fault.  No really I do and I could probably argue some more factors in there...

Society, well they play a big part.  Because of so called wanna be gangstas that bring guns and knives to playground fights instead of fists, yo Momma jokes, and the occasional big brother/sister.  Their idols, big budget rappers and movie stars that wear their pants prison bitch style on television and the movies showing kids that it's okay to do that mess.

Schools I blame because they decided that it had to stop.  And granted yes to a point it did.  The weapons at school does need to stop.  The playground butt-kickings do not.  When I was kid if there was a fight on the playground, the teachers let you duke it out until you lost a little steam or someone started loosing a little too much blood and then they pulled you apart, gave you a good talking to, maybe called your parents, and put you in a time out (In school suspension or detention whatever) and generally although it was probably continued at the bus stop back home the fact that you either whooped ass or got your ass whooped in front of the whole school was enough and the tiff was settled and it was all good.  Now, Kids get in fights and the teachers call the IN SCHOOL POLICE OFFICER to break it up and you get suspended or expelled or in CMS's case suspended AND sent to some boot camp for bullies. (I've not encountered this yet but I imagine it's someone like that guy Dee from the Maury show that gets all up in your face and screams at you until you cry or something like that and off topic again doe anyone else that watched his episodes ever just want to punch him square in the face?  I never someone just try to punch him in the face.  I wonder what he would have done.  Sorry very off topic there)  There can be criminal charges pressed and the parent can even make it so that LEGALLY the two children cannot come in contact again.  I can't decide if I want to say WTF or just plain UHmmmmm....

I blame to government because instead of monitoring the images available in television, movies, videos, and music, they started passing laws on imitating that.  There's this commercial on television now that has a pick-up truck snowboarding down a mountain and doing a barrel flip.  IN little white print on the white white snow is says trucks can't do this, do not attempt.  You can't really see it if you are drunk young adult or a kid.  Parents with good eyes that see more than the advertisers want you to see, can see the warning but kids and adventurous slightly stupid young adults can't.  My own son can't.  He asked me if we could get a pick-up and go do that one day.  Even tried to tell me that if I wouldn't, his dad would.  Yeah he went there.  My question is this.  Why, Mr. Government, instead of preventing advertisers from showing this to our kids (as well as the music videos where Young Jeezy (Which you realize he's actually saying he's the young new Jesus right) and MC McStupidass (yeah, I made that one up) are walking around again with the prison bitch look with guns talking about popping a cap in someone's ass because they A. Stole their girl, B. Rode up on their property C. Took money from them or D. Some version of all three or they were just having a bad day and the person just looked at them wrong, why are you passing laws that punish the kids and young adults that imitate them.  They say imitation is a form of flattery.  That's why they keep making these videos and songs and movies.  Because there's some jackass that's going to imitate them and even if that person gets locked up in an itty bitty jail cell with some Bubba tapping that ass all night long, the government is just going to punish the dulpicators not the originals.

And I blame the parents.  We only know to tell our kids what we learned.  My son get hit by a kid at the bus stop four mornings in a row.  When my mom was his age, my grandfather would told her (If she was a him) that he'd go talk to the kids parents and the kid would get a whooping and then wail on my moms again.  When I was my son's age my mom remembered the extra ass kicking she got because they parent's got involved and she told me to go out there and solve my own problems.  Yeah sure I did and I was one of the biggest bullies in my area but I didn't get any extra ass kickings because I went and tattled.  So now my son is that age and my advice to him is to go out and solve his own problems.  Oh yeah and the kid that thought it was okay to slap my son every morning, ended up with a face full of rock and a still broken tooth that is now growing in very awkwardly causing the kid to have severely bucked teeth but you know what?  That kid is my son's best friend now.  I'm serious.  Of course the kid is still banned from my house and I call him Bucky Canopenerface but so what...

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Not all parents are like me.  They take that same situation and go down to the bus stop and threaten the kid which in turn causes the parent of the slapper to come down or over to the parent of the slapee and start a ruckus.  Or the parent of the slapee goes to the police station and files harassment and abuse charges and the police are involved and well... it just get uglier from there...

So it's a vicious vicious ring and I don't see it getting better at any point in the future, but I gotta say.

I for one, really miss the ring of kids screaming "Fight! Fight! Fight!" while two kids duked it out in the middle.  Bring back god old fashioned playground justice.  NO weapons, not parents, just two kids duking it out in the middle of a circle.

That being said if we solved world conflicts like that can you imagine Bush and Osama in the ring?  Obama and Osama in the ring?  Congress sessions would be awesome!

Le sigh...

So this AM...

...was not one of those happy bouncey mornings.  Yesterday was a happy bouncy morning.  Partly because the kids were going back to school and partly because for the first time in a long time I had had a really good sleep.
I'm serious.  Yesterday I crawled back into bed as is my oh so sadly depressing normal and basically lay there willing myself to sleep for like three hours.  I don't know how I did it considering I kept saying I needed to get up.
Anyway.  Coffee maker overflowed today.  When the boy got up he noticed it going... Auto timer gotta love them... And I think he added water but didn't realize that there was already twelve cups of water in there.
Of course he didn't own up to it.  He never does.  I wish I had cameras all over my house.  I need to look into that...
So kids are off.  Thus starts the normal routine.  I did change it up this morning. I put clothes in the washer so that something gets done while I sleep...
Sad...
Blog ya later!

Thunderstorms...

As the lightning lights up the sky here I'm thinking about the thunderstorms in my life.
So I bogged about the "friend" on my Facebook that basically too my bad mood and turned it into his.  I'm not talking to that person.  I was going to just let it all blow over, but this afternoon, I had to explain to my mom about the comment he put on my timeline that I deleted.
Apparently I wasn't fast enough when I deleted his demand that I talk to him.
Yeah... I try to keep my Facebook happenings as far away from my mom as I can keep them.  Yes she's my mom but I am also an adult who sometimes has a burst of foul language or off color humor.  Things I don't need my mother to see.  So she had no idea that I was being silent, that basically I wasn't in the best of moods (what can I say to that?  She's a little part of the problems in my life, so I naturally don't bring it up in conversation), or that I had had what could be called a mini confrontation.
Gee thanks.  Exactly how I wanted to spend the ride home from the gym.
So I'm thinking that this qualifies as one of those no no's that qualify me to be fully justified in doing a delete maneuver.
I hate Facebook deleted.  More importantly, I hate how Facebook deleted are like breaking off a relationship.  Being deleted on someone's Facebook has become the equivalent of a dear john letter only harsher.  One day you are there and the next day, you can't see a Damn thing because you been deleted.
I feel like that small woman that used to say, "You ARE the weakest link.  Goodbye!"
Gah! Part of me just wants him to delete me. 
Can someone please give me the manual on how not to piss your friends off cause I can't even seem to sit still in my own misery and not piss them off.

Almost a bad night...

So I guess it was to be expected sooner or later.  Once again I wasn't allowed to have a bad mood all to my little old self.  One of my people on Facebook basically cornered me into sort of talking to him.

When I made it clear that I didn't feel like talking at all he turned it around on him and made me the bad guy.

I mean dude! What the fuck?  I'm having a mental crisis over here in my tiny corner of the world but because I didn't tell you that I'm proud of you and congrats on something you did, I'm the big bitch.

Hang on, had to add Bitch to my phone's dictionary... Thought I added that when I added fuck...

So I finally said that I was ending the conversation before it got out of control.  Those actual words.  I didn't want to go off and say what I was really thinking which come on, was really along the lines of, "Fuck you! How dare you try to make me feel worse than I already do!  What the fuck is wrong with you? That's like spraying butter spray on the ledge when I've already got loose footing."

But I didn't say that, I said end it before it gets out of control.

And I intended to leave it there.

So of course two minutes later I'm looking at my newsfeed and see the following post:

"Gotta love how a good day goes to shit all because of one person."

Are you fucking kidding me right now?!? Are you goddam serious?!?  Wait lemme review that conversation... Nope I told you at least six times I did not want to talk and you kept pressing me and when I STILL refused to tell you what was going on you tried very hard to turn it so that the pity party was honouring you.

Wow.  Thank you for being such an awesome friend.   Thank you for putting me on blast to your whole newsfeed.  Maybe you forgot but I used to play the game of inquiring about those vague posts only to find out who hurt you via text.  So the.three people who responded probably now think I'm a bitch cause I'm so pretty sure the whole story wasn't told.

Wait... That kinda went from me telling about my night to ranting at one person didn't it?? Sorry about that.  I never actually mean for that to happen... It just does.

So I coped last night by making myself a drink and watching HIMYM on netflix.  I refuse to let one person bring me to the point of a sniveling apology and begging for their friendship because they decided they were more important.

To tell you the truth, I was a very good girl last night because when I saw his post, my first inclination was to delete him from my Facebook, but I didn't.

I'm having a problem with the delete button these days.  I want so badly to hit it but I don't.  I usually regret it later but I still don't do it when I should.

Know what? I'm going back to bed.  It's a cold morning and I really don't like those.

Have a good day, bloggies!!

Yeah so...

I straightened the girls hair.  Didn't do the braids but I did curl Kayla's so that she has something for me to work with in the morning.  I spent basically all afternoon chopping and slicing chicken breasts because I made the spaghetti with the chicken pieces in it and then I also made Chicken fried rice.  As usual, two batches.  One that Olivia will eat because it has no bean sprouts and no egg and one that pretty much everyone else will eat because it has the bean sprouts and the egg and sorta makes a fuller meal.

The neighbor kids left around seven my kids ate soon after.

I'm slowly coming up from my funk.  I had a conversation with someone today that may have cast a new light on some things and then may not have.  It may just be me getting sucked in again.  I don't know and at the moment with honestly, a half a glass of vodka in me, I don't care.

Still don't feel like posting on Facebook.  Every now and then someone drops me an email about they are sorry.  It's touching.  Not needed at all, but touching.  I just want to be by myself.  Why is that so hard for people to understand right now?  You know what?  I know a couple of people that read my blog that prefer to remain anonymous and they are basically sitting reading making sure I haven't offed myself and might probably say something when I decide to break my silence.

Just a thought, Yes, I did post an update about my friends daughter.  This, I don't think, counts as breaking my self imposed silence.  My church is praying for her and they take the updates from my page for bible study and prayer so since I'm not saying anything, just copy and pasting, I don 't count that as talking.

Hmm time to take my melatonin and go to bed.  I think I'll finish this episode of HIMYM while it takes affect...

Good night.  TTY tomorrow!

So today, Jan. 16, 2012

Okay, I admit it, I had every intention of being a lazy sloth like creature today.  Except for the fact that I was supposed to go with my mother to the YMCA this afternoon at one, I had absolutely NO PLANS to do anything for anyone except maybe straight comb my daughters hair and maybe throw a few braids in it. 

And the best laid plans of mice and men...  All that...

At eleven o'clock I was admittedly still in bed acting for all the world like since my kids are of an age where they can kinda cook for themselves and take care of themselves there was no real reason to emerge before I had to.  The girl from next door rang the bell and told my kids to tell me that since something happened when she left them over there by themselves last week, they were to come to me and ask could they come over today while she was at work.

You know what?  I'm not even mad.  At any of it.  They're good kids and this isn't the first or even the third time that she has gone off to work at six am and told the kids to come over here without really asking me.  So nope, not even irked by this.

Then I realized Oops, I was going to take the kids with mommy and I when we went to the YMCA today and I figured, let me do some research and call them and ask exactly how many people we can bring on our membership.  My kids are all covered b/c we have the family membership but then I wanted to make sure that the neighbor kids could come in with us.  It would in actuality only be two visitors so probably no problem.  But there was a problem.  Today is in all actuality a holiday and I live in a predominately black area.  But thankfully, this dawned on me BEFORE I left my house this time and I began calling them only to find out that they are closed.

Whew, that would have been a total waste of gas and five kids in a car riding to and from my mom and the Y... I think not.

So called my mom, no Y.  She's okay with this.  So long as I bring her the car this afternoon.

So today I am going to chop the ish out of the chicken breasts because I am making the weeks meals today.  We are having Chicken Spaghetti tonight and maybe tomorrow and then I am also making Chicken fried rice.  It's been awhile since I have gotten to use my wok and I try to use my kitchen shineys on a rotating basis which means I should make a loaf of bread soon.  I have used the toaster over recently and I have used the rotisserie.  I think.  That may be next on the rotating list of kitchen shineys to use.  Oh and yes, I know that Shineys isn't actually a word but in my world it is and this blog resides in my world so hah!  I get a new word!

Isn't reading my blog fun?  You get subject to to new idiocy on a daily.  Well daily only if you come back every day.  I don't actually blog every day.  I want to but I don't.  I'm bad like that.

Although with my Facebook silence on right now, I guess I could say I blog daily.  I have to get the thoughts out of my head some way and blogging is good. 

I am trying hard to keep up my Facebook silence.  It seems that the second I decide to take a break from it, that's when people want to start posting interesting shit there.

But I am going to stay strong.  I have to conquer the beast.  I don't exactly know what the beast is but oh well.

As for Facebook in general, I just feel as vastly unwanted there as I do in real life.  I just don't feel like it anymore to be honest. 

I totally forgot what this blog was about.... Oh yeah, my day.  Well seeing as my day isn't done ye, I will probably be back later.  Toodles all!!

Last thought, I misspelled Toodles and it suggested Boodles.  Really??  Toodles isn't in the dictionary but Boodles is?!?!?  Wow....