Can’t wait for this weekend

Normally I don’t say anything about my trips because one I don’t want to get robbed and two I KNOW I’m not going to have enough time to see everyone and I don’t want to disappoint anyone but damn if I’m not looking forward to my trip to New Jersey this weekend.  I need this.  

I’m tired y’all.  Like nine and soul tired.  And the body is no longer willing to work with me.  

I think I have an intestinal blockage because when I eat something... anything, it takes maybe four or five days to get through whatever is blocking the works down there just to come out the other end.  In my life I have never gone this long without being able to poop.  I used to be an everyday maybe couple times a day pooper but now I’m lucky if I can poop every four or five days and lord a mercy does this hurt.  Like a bring me to my knees hurt.  I’m afraid to eat.  My clothes are falling off of me because I’m losing weight because I know if I eat it’s going to get backed up and it’s going to hurt so I don’t eat.

Can I just get a new body?  Maybe one with slightly bigger boobs and a slightly smaller ass?  Maybe one with real working parts that don’t grow tumors and cause me pain.  And it’s not an all day every day pain it’s a random you’ve eaten now face the consetwondays later pain.

Getting old sucks.  I honestly don’t see how people live into their nineties dealing with their bodies crapping out on them.  Fork this!  I’m not going through another fifty years of this...

And before anyone comments, not that anyone ever does comment on the page, I have mentioned it to the doctor.  He thinks it’s diverticulitis or locis which I guess would be the chronic version of it.  And he gives me pills.  And days of work.  At what point is he going to do something other than throw pills at me.  Pills which, by the way, get caught up in the blockage and don’t help push anything through.

Maybe I should start seeking another doctor...

Hmmmm....

So I’m already screwing shit up

So without warning or explaination, two of my shift leaders decided fork this and walked away.  One of them had the thought to tell me she wished I had become the gm earlier and she probably wouldn’t have left but here’s the thing.  I worked a whole day with her and she never once said she was leaving.  I’m pretty sure she even still has her key.  

Then I thought I had an opening manager here this morning but apparently I didn’t do guess who’s working a double?  Yeah me.

I’m going to need to have a staff meeting because one I need to meet everyone and find out when they are available to work because the last gm basically told them when they were to work and would brook no questions about it. Fork that.

I can’t say I’m coming in here trying to be people’s friends but at the same time I’m not coming in here trying to be the whip snapper either but I think I’m going to have to. 

I havent quote gotten back to the I wanna go home phase but I’m getting there...

So I fucked up...

I spent most of the day watching Fifty Shades of Kinky Fuckery... or Fifty shades of Grey to everyone else.

Yeah bad idea.  Just reminded me of ho horney I am. Like there should be a legal limit as to how sex deprived one person is allowed to be before the government steps in and says "okay, it’s been long enough.  Here’s XXXXXXX he’s going to reset your limit."  Also don’t try to sit there and decode the x’s yall... they’re literally JUST x’s.

So Anna got her fair share of sex in three books and three movies.  Hell she got her share, my share, your share, and all the shares floating out there.

I wonder does that life actually exist?  I’m not stupid yes I know BDSM exists but even at some point I’m sure the kingpin or BDSM was going "Daaaaaaaayum"

I’m a simple woman.  I am also a romantic but baring that I’d take a little gentleness from whoever XXXXXXXXX turned out to be.

I think we’d start with a heavy makeout session.  The kind where your both breathless at the end but so very very ready to just run to the next base?  By this point he should have the bra off and my girls should be standing at attention.  Now at this point he can lay me down or stand me up but if he’s standing me up, he’s coming from behind.  Kissing the neck while hand one works lady A (no... I don’t have name for the girls) and the other hand needs to be working its way into my drawers.  And this does not stop until I’m grinding on his hand so hard.... mmmm

Now if he’s laid me down he’s obviously not coming from behind. He’s going straight for lips on nipples. Tug them bite them suck them like you are getting angel milk from them. Flip you tongue back and forth. When he’s spent copious most of time there then he can with work his way down mouth wise or work the hands.  Tbh I prefer he uses both.

I’m not an easy person to make cum but when you achieve it, you know it.  Finger me,  get those digits up there, find the g spot.  I assure you I do have one and it’s been tapped once before.  Now here’s the important part while your fingers are working, his tongue should be introducing itself to my clit.  Suck her lick her DO NOT THUMB HER.  Seriously no woman in the history of women wants your thumb there guys.  Yes we know the thumb is convienient but no.  He’s clumsy.

At this point my government issued XXXXXXXX should have seriously cramped or broken finger because if he’s followed the guide I have cum and I should have cum hard.

And it’s not over yet boys.  I give decent bj’s. If I get to a point and you can’t take anymore, Pull my hair flip me over in all four nd go for it.  If you have the dexterity to reach around and play with clitty again please do.  You can also spark me.  Make it rough.  Make every yes that escapes my lips sound like you stole it from that gap where my uterus and cervix used to be.

If Anna had gotten a little of what I just described as my perfect night of sex I think she would have been just as happy.  

So tell me, what’s your perfect night like?

Who am I anymore?

When I started in pizza I was ecstatic because I was working with friends. It had its ups and downs but damn it was fun. When I got to this leg of my cheesy journey I was still with friends but one by one my friends get treated like dirt and they leave. And there’s nothing wrong with that. No one should be treated the way this company treats their employees. But I’m still here. I’ve had blow ups and meltdowns, I’ve had breakdowns and meltdowns. But I’m still here and I can’t figure out what is wrong with me that I take this abuse day after day after day. In the past few months I went from a reasonably healthy slightly stressed out individual to a burnout stressed beyond relief shell of my former self who now, thanks to this very same company now has a heart problem. I honestly don’t even remember what I was like before this. My past is forgotten and my future looks so bleak. But still I stay. When am I going to learn that sometimes you have to sacrifice that dollar bill for a better inner you. I’m tired, I’m lonely, I’m so stressed I don’t think I can internalize anymore stress. My chest hurts every night now. I don’t eat. When I do eat I don’t have time to eat right. I’ve lost so much weight that I don’t even buy the belts for plus size anymore.  I want to be with someone but who is going to want a woman that is liable to have a heart attack and keel over because she won’t leave a job that is knowingly hellbent on killing her??

A new page in the Hut of Drama

So today, Mother’s Day.  Happy one to anyone mother reading.  My very first communication was "Happy Mother’s Day can you come in early so I can leave?"

Two hours with my kids.  That’s all I got.

Get here and by three fifteen I was by myself and slaying it out.  At ten to five one of my drivers says he’s going to be fifteen late but I couldn’t respond because I was literally by myself in here.  The cook, who lives with aforementioned driver, comes in and says that driver said he doesn’t feel well and he’s not coming in.  If I/ we have a problem with it, we can call him about it.  I passed the message onto my boss.

Idk what happened between them but driver then comes up in here pissed off and seeing red wanting to know where the manager that asked me to come in early is.  I told him she left between two thirty and three.  He said alright, pushed past me and walked out.

Y’all I don’t know what about to go down in my hut but if this is the last time I post know it was probably because I knifed him for coming at me.  I’m not planning it but no one is going to come at me intent on harm.

But at the same time I am actually scared that he might come back up here.  I have minors in here.  Hell I have my DAUGHTER in here.  I will protect them.

On another note. I purchased 1000mg cbd oil the other day.  It says it can help with a whole bunch of things including depression.  We’ll see if it works.  Maybe this can help

Pull me out of this hole I’m in.

God I hope he doesn’t come back up here tonight.  I don’t wanna go to jail.  Orange is soooo not my color.  And handcuffs hurt like hell.

I really need to quit this job...

Soul catching

So today was surprisingly not a seriously awful no good very bad day.  I mean it wasn’t jump up and rejoin life on Facebook because I’m suddenly happy good but it was a "maybe I’ll think twice about walking out into rush hour traffic" good.

That’s something.... right??

Maybe it was because I got to spend a good hour or so on the road taking deliveries.  I got to breathe fresh air, I got to listen to my music and drive fast.

Maybe that’s what I need?  Maybe it’s being cooped up in the store all day long that’s killing my soul?  And maybe it’s coworkers who think entirely too highly of themselves.

We have this one guy.  He swears he’s trying to be a shift leader.  That would be good if he weren’t one of those stand on your soapbox and scream until you think people are finally paying attention to you kind of people.  He actually got high and or drunk one night and called me at two am to rant about shit.

Because calling your boss at two am is totally acceptable.  Totally.

Not.  Not in any existence is that remotely okay to do.  

And every other shift or lately every single shift he either doesn’t feel well or is still hurt from an accident a few weeks ago or some other excuse and has to leave.  Making our delivery times through the roof and usually putting more work into the other drivers and the managers because we now have to deal with the angry customers who want to scream at us because delivery is so long.

PSA: don’t scream at the people who handle your food.  I’m not saying we will do something to it but do you really want to live with the thought in the back of your mind that maybe they might have done something to it because you were a total bitch on the phone?  I mean... unless it’s a totally open kitchen you don’t see everything...

*shrugs and walks away* Your choice.

I still think this store is slowly and piece by piece stealing my soul and selling to the highest bidder but I’ve got news for them... I signed a contract with the devil years ago.  He owns the soul.  I think I sold it for my divorce... or a chocolate bar.  I didn’t really read the fine print.

I’m still considering other jobs.   I’m always considering other jobs.  Most specifically jobs that allow me a half a chance of moviing to England one day.

I wish I knew why the two times I was in England  my spirit felt like it had finally come home and the two times I flew away from England my spirit curled up in a corner and cried.

I’d ask if any of you ever felt that way but no one 

Ugh...

There is a fundamental disconnect in this place.  There has to be because NOBODY is happy at the same time here.  Nobody.

One week my boss isn’t happy.  The next week the cook isn’t happy.  That same week one of my drivers is pissed off and the customers are bastards.

This place is stealing my joy.  Customers scream at me for shit that is not my fault.  Drivers tell me what they are going to do and in the case of one particular driver not only what he is going to to buy what I am going to as well.  Today my shift leader who was supposed to leave at four decided at two thirty to go on the road with her girlfriend leaving me in the store.  Then she came in and clocked out early without turning over the register so I had to clock her back in to turn over the till.  

At least the dm asked me how I was doing today.  I suppose that makes up for last week when she completely ignored me when this store was in danger of being burnt down by a very psychotic assistant manager who was going to throw her shirt on the flames and dance a merry jig...

And it’s quiet.  So there’s that.  

So I’m standing here about to go back to folding boxes because that’s something to do.  While my driver who is supposed to be either doing boxes or dishes sits on his ass and eats a pizza he made without paying for it.  Cause yeah.  Oh wait... nope he just walked out to the parking lot...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

Maybe if I keep chanting it, I’ll believe it one day...

Doubt it.

Can the rain please stop now???

So we are four days into January and the rain has literally stopped raining for maybe half a day total.  And this is ongoing from 2018.  Like over 100 inches of rain has fallen in the last thirty days and I'm pretty sure if mother nature was trying to drown the eastern part of the country, she's succeeding brilliantly.

I didn't blog yesterday because nothing really significant happened.  I lost a client because she needs a CNA and I don't have that.  But I didn't get fired, they just removed me from the case with a pending status of if they were even going to keep the case.  I feel bad though.  Her son was nice and if he would just gdo the lifting, I would happily do the washing and the grooming and dressing.   And I hate getting up at the crack of dawn and I hate going to bed early so that I can be human in those early hours but i didn't mind going to her.BUt she's completely immobile on one side so she needs a more experienced person and I'm okay with that.

Then I inevitably ended up back at the hut a few times last night because if it can go wrong with the GM is away it will go wrong.  But whatever.  Then i came home and had some tequila rose.  Not a lot but enough that I didn't want to get on Blogger and more than likely whine about what a loser I feel like because I'm still Single.

This year is about being social.  I'm going to hang out with friends, I'm going to make new friends and expand my circle.  I am not going to sit home and watch Hulu and Netflix all night .

I am also not going to make the mistake I made on the second.  I'm not going to talk about the one that got away or rather, the one that never was.  One of the things I got to thinking about last night was I feel like I'm in love with him but in the past five years he hasn't said hello to me, he hasn't wished me a happy birthday, although I do every year, and the only times he's  If I'm going to be in love with him, fine.  That's something I'm going to hold deep inside of me until someone that actually cares for me comes along and burns his name from my heart, but I'm not going to lower myself to wishing and hoping that one day he rides up on a white horse and holds out his hand for me.

Tomorrow I go see Mrs. H and then I'm off to the Hut of Pizza.  I actually like being back at the penitentiary.  unlike Prosperity there's never any time to just chill and deal with BS.  You deal with it on your feet.

Well in the essence of keeping my post short and to the point, I'm off for the night. 

Till tomorrow or the day after.

Happy New Year, I guess...

So I'm not making a resolution or anything (because if you know me, making a resolution is the quickest way to get me to stop doing something) But I'm trying this out to see if I can see how much I change over the course of a year.

I thought about actually writing it down in a book but then, I thought, nah...

So Jan1...

I officially took off the fake wedding ring.  I took it off and set it on the shelf and I think it about it often.  Like at least once every few hours I look at or feel my ring finger where it was for over two years.

At first I was wearing it because it made the men at the Hut stop flirting with me.  Like armor I guess.  Whatever, it worked and the old fugly guys that batted their geriatric eyes at me stopped. 

In a way I feel like it was armor to protect myself from looking at other guys too.

I'm going to say it.  I have been in love with a friend of a friend for almost 8 years.  He's on my Facebook and I think maybe he considers me a friend but I don't really think so.  He doesn't say hello.  He stopped acknowledging any Facebook post I put on his wall years ago and for the last four years, not even a Happy Birthday.  I can't say I'm any better.  I stopped posting on his wall and trying to talk to him because it honestly broke my heart when he didn't respond so I just stopped.  But I didn't fall out of love with him.  I don't even KNOW him.  He never gave me the chance to but for some reason I'm in love with him.

I deny up and down and every possible way that I'm in love... that I've ever even known what love it.  I didn't love my ex husband.  I honored my vows to him but I never actually loved him.  I don't know anything but basics about this guy and if he asked me to I would...

Well I would at least give him a try.  Maybe we wouldn't get along together and maybe we would but a try would be nice.

Whatever. 

Like I said I took off the ring.  I have laid down the armor.  Whether or not he gives me a chance.  I am open for someone to come take a try at me.

Jan 2.


Worked today at the hut.  Still felt for my ring but it's absence didn't bother me as much today as yesterday when the separation was brand new.

I still don;'t know how to flirt or show a man I'm interested in.  So i went back to Tinder.  I was super liked by a guy and I liked him back.  If he responds and says hello maybe we can see in person if we have anything really in common.

I wish I had more to report on today but I can't muster anything, and I have to get to bed.  i have to be up at 6:30 in the morning for my morning client.

I'm tired.  I've fixed my work schedule so that i don't have any days off and it's starting to wear me down.  Like I'm going to crack soon and it's not going to be one of those duct tape and super glue fixes.

Ah well...

A new day starts in 10 minutes and 11 seconds.  Let's see what Jan 3 brings...

Don't think I'm back for good or anything... but...

In some ways I wanted to post this on Facebook and in other ways, I didn't.  I will probably write this here and share it there but whatever...

Today was the national School walk out that lasted seventeen minutes for each of the seventeen people that lost their lives in the Florida school shooting.  I know that when i post this on Facebook, there will be at least one person that is going to be very vocal in his opposition to my thoughts but I'm writing this knowing that and he knows me well enough to know that I will respect his opinions but they won't change mine.  I want to say this loud and clear:

 I IN NO WAY HAVE EVER OR WILL EVER SUPPORT THE ACTIONS TAKEN TODAY.


Why?

Mainly because the very same children, and yes, that is what they are; children who participated in the walkout today are the ones that essentially started the problem in the first place.

In my time at school, if there was a bully, eventually things got a boiling point and children formed a ring around him or her and their victim and after fifteen minutes of screaming "Fight!! Fight!!" and a couple of punches and and maybe a split lip or two the issue was resolved.  Whether or not it was solved entirely in that ring or an adult broke it up, the issue was resolved.

CASE IN POINT:  I have a best friend.  We have been best friends for THIRTY YEARS THIS YEAR.  Wanna know how we met?  A girl I thought was my friend primarily because we were both black girls in a predominately white school pointed across the locker room to a group of girls and told me that that "That girl" said something about my mother.  She never pointed out a specific girl, but for some reason I took one specific girl out to the hallway and slapped the everloving bejesus out of her.  There may have been more to that fight but in my memory, I can only remember that poor girl in the circle of my arms wondering what she did wrong that this angry black girl was screaming at her and i smacked her and she ran.  That poor little girl never once tried to hit me

Yes, I was the bully.  Years later the original black girl that I thought was my friend told me that she just wanted to see a fight and that the poor white girl I drug out to the hall hadn't said anything nor had anyone else but it was neither here nor there.

What made us friends?  Our punishment was to be BFF's for a week.  For a solid week from the time I walked into the damned school until the time I walked out of that damned school, I saw that poor girl.  Monday and Tuesday, we didn't or barely talked.  She resented being punished by having to spend time with me, I resented being punished period considering my mother had beat my ass so hard sitting down was still painful and I had already said I was sorry (I am an only child.  Saying sorry for anything is painful because the world revolves around me.)  But by Wednesday something changed and there was conversation.  By Friday I was introduced to her group of friends and she mine.  We have been friends since that week.

But back to my original thought.

My generation solved the problems it created.  The millennials today?? That's a WHOLE DIFFERENT KETTLE FISH. (Do not ask me what that means, I don't know)

Millennials today see the fat kid in class and blast them on Snapchat, youtube, vine, twitter, etc  and take pictures and video of them eating and pretend that they are eating everything in sight or trampling villages whatever and they make it so that the victim can see it.  Then after the victim has had enough and done something drastic like trying to cut their fat off or OD'd on diet pills or even killed themselves, then those same kids that did the bullying want to go online and on television amd say that they never knew there was  a problem.  They see a kid that sits alone reading gun magazines and drawing guns all over his books and they ignore or worse torment him but when he obtains a gun and shoots up the place, then they want to yell at lawmakers because he was able to obtain that gun.

I'm not forgiving the acts of violence gripping our nation today but what I am saying is that the millennials first create the problem only to cry and want others to fix it when the problem gets away from them.  You can't torment someone or ignore someone and then wail about how you didn't think they were the type to do it when they strike back wail and cry and walkout of school because the adults did fix what they did.

Stricter gun laws are needed.  There's no question about that. but a school walk out is not going to achieve that..  That's the same as throwing a temper tantrum after.

Having worked on this blog all day my initial steam has blown off and I don't have anything more to say on the matter.  The disgust that schools participated and sanctioned today's walk out is still there but the anger over today's act is gone....