Morning... why do we have it again??

I'm finding that the only plausible reason for mornings is to remind me that I didn't sleep the night before.

So Monday night Tuesday morning was sorta by choice not to go to bed.  My mom had to catch the 4:50 am bus out of Charlotte and I needed to be at her house by four ish because my mom is one of the few remaining people on this planet that lives by the die hard belief that if you are there any later than thirty minutes to the time that you're actually supposed to be there, you are late.  And then her bus was late loading and apparently late leaving.  Not the best send off.  The point was I didn't go to sleep because the last few days have been sort of an issue with me and sleeping.  The issue being that I don't.  At least not enough to call it sleeping.  It's more like dozing.  And that being the case if I had gone to sleep Monday night I would have slept clean through my alarm to get up and be at Mommy's house.  I know it so I chose to go to sleep.

After the kids got off to school, I did get back in the bed.  I can't honestly say I slept.  The sun was up and although, thankfully no one called me or texted me or was brave enough to ring my bell, but still I basically tossed and turned until I gave up and got up.  That was around one and then I didn't bother to do anything productive until around three.

I really dislike it when my sleep pattern gets screwed three ways from Sunday. (There's a funny saying.  I wonder where it came from.)  It generally takes forever and massive amounts of sleeping type drugs to get it back on track.  And I am increasingly no good until it gets to that point.  My temper is notoriously short (We're talking like THE shortest fuse here.  There is no time to scatter as I can go from pleasant and smiling to throwing things at you in like .01 seconds.) and I'm prone to sit and look at you with a blank expression on my face.  And when I say blank. I really mean blank because the brain goes into safety mode.  So whereas when I give you a blank look on my normal slept through the night days I'm usually thinking about something but on no sleep days there is absolutely nothing behind those eyes.

Last night I couldn't tell you what went wrong.  I took the melatonin and I laid down.  I even threw a Tramadol in there for good measure.  I guess Tramadol really does contain caffeine cause man I tossed and turned and stared at my ceiling for hours.  And then had to get up an hour early because the little one had to be at school before six forty five for her field trip today.

Please don't think I am complaining.  I really am not.  The problem is usually cause by something I did and exaggerated by more things that I do.  When I was married, Randy used to cure these non sleeping streaks by dragging me to bed.  And I do mean that literally.  He would get so sick of me by like day three or four that he would drag me off to bed and well, ensure that I went to sleep.  Sometimes I miss being married.

Sometimes.

And like I said before, it really doesn't help that the meds I take have a sexual appetite side effect.  I mean really?? It's was cute in the beginning, to be hot and bothered and ready to drag some poor male into my room and not let him out for a day or so but now it's like... that's just it... I can't come up with a colorful description of what it's like.  I'm effing horny and lemme tell you when you have no one to help you with that problem and you have tried to solve it yourself, it's not a pretty feeling.  Come to think of it, knowing my female friends out there, I'm pretty sure you know exactly the feeling I'm talking about.

My house is making funny sounds.  It usually does when I'm here by myself or up by myself.  I seem to be the only one who ever hears these noises.  LIke I can not touch the dresser my television sits on all day.  And no matter what when I go to bed, it always has to creak and groan.  My mom calls them settling noises.  Like the house is settling down for the night.  Tell me, what did the house do all day that it has to settle in for the night?  As much running as I do some days, shouldn't I be the one groaning and creaking?

Spring has definitely sprung here in Charlotte.  My nose has confirmed this by affixing itself in the run position. I have gone through more tissues than ever this past few weeks.  As for the crap in my lungs, that's still there.  Nearly impossible to cough up but it still feels free to choke the living crap out of me when I get to talking.  Or driving.  Lately, it has decided to creep up on me when I'm driving.  Usually on particularly curvy roads.  It has however decided to make a strategic retreat this morning.  Possibly because I have a doctors appointment and we all know you can suffer from something until you feel like you are nearly dead.  The day of your doctor's appointment arrives and suddenly you feel freaking better.

So I need to go straighten my hair.  If I'm lucky enough the coughing will stay at bay while I have hot instruments of female torture in my hands.  Although I don't think so because the cough and crap sensed I was talking about it and it has made a glorious show of strangling me to the point that it took me about ten minutes to type that last bit.

It is going to be a good day.  I am not going to kill anyone today.  I am not even going to attempt to kill anyone today.  Nor am I going to think about killing anyone today.  Today is a good day.  I have now been to the school twice today as I had to take a pause and drive the little girl next door to school.  She missed the bus.  Again.  Poor child.  I treat both her and her brother like they are my own.  I guess that's why my neighbor, their grandmother trusts me with them.  Women usually trust me with their kids.  I treat just about all kids like they are my own.  Dunno if that's a good thing or bad.  I think I got it from my mom.  Every kid she taught was her kid.  I think I had a revolving door of siblings growing up and my mom treated us all the same. If they acted up in her class, she gave them that blank look that screams "I'm waiting for you to act human again." and if they were sick, she treated them as if they were fragile eggs.  Just like me.

So sigh...  Time to go try to put an official start on my day.  See you all later!

Blogging from Church

Shame on me.

Lol, not really. I'm here for the kids practice and mommy took the car so I'm here. It's not so bad. I'm holed up the stairwell where no one can see me but I can hear EVERYTHING. And to boot I am keeping up my bad girl side by pirating the church's wifi. Crap signal but it gets the job done.

So I basically have very little to talk about tonight. I mean I had a really good day but still not anything blog worthy.

I made bread today. I took the sun nut bread recipie and added crushed almonds to it. Apparently it came out good cause the kids fairly attacked it. Hehe. Even Mommy says she wants a piece of it. We'll see.

But basically I have been playing rock band all afternoon. I went back to sleep this morning as usual, but I hadn't taken my night meds save the melatonin last might aid interestingly enough, I didn't sleep till twelve. Only ten thirty and I was fine. I even manged to get some laundry done between songs.

I rock.

No seriously I do cause of rock band three. Hehe. That game is seriously awesome.  I need more people to get xbox live and the game so we can play.

I am so about the freak the teenage girls out by appearing out of the stairwell.  Like I said its the perfect hiding place.  No one ever knows I am here.

I mean... Uh... I never hide here... Never... Esspecially not during church... *whistles and walks away*

So yeah, there's tonights blog.  Cause you best believe when I get home I'm going right back to Rock band. Numb hand and all.

Toodles.  Love and hugs.  See ya!

I do a lot of sighing...

You may or may not have noticed that my blog is now private.  Only people that I have given permission to can come in a read.  This is because I have finally decided that not everyone needs to know all about me.  And those that I make the mistake of thinking are my friends are sometimes kamikaze soldiers in disguise.  Case in Point my ex friend Michelle.

She is the one that told me flat out that I deserve everything I am going through with my son.  NO more will be said.

As for the boy, I am having another ripple in my serenity pond with him.

I did a random book bag search on him yesterday morning.  I found that he was trying to take his sketch books to school as well as a pink DS.  Why can't we stop taking rides on the Nintendo sponsored merry go round??  Long story short, he claims it belongs to his friend Joaquim.  Said friend came to the door today and I asked him why he would have a pink DS?  HE responded that it's his cousin's.  Of course he looked to the left and stuttered making me think back to Psychology 101.  I believe he's lying.  The again, I'm kinda apt to not believe any male right now.  I also asked him how long ago he gave it to Jovaughn.  He stuttered, looked at Jovaughn and scrunched up his face saying about... last Tuesday.  The girls said he had a pink DS last month and said he had had one for awhile now.

So I tripped the boy up and told him that I am only going to give it to his parents and he needs to bring his mother or father to my door to get the DS back.  If he doesn't bring his parent back to me, I will know that Jovaughn cooked up this story to get me to give the DS to his friend so he could get it back.  I am not as stupid as he thinks I am.

His father was supposed to call last night.  As much as I say Randy and I don't get along, he really is one of the few males in my life that can keep me from flying off my proverbial handle.  He knows what to do and say every time and when he doesn't he lets me rant.  After the rant he has a general idea of what to say and he says it.  When he didn't call last night there was no buffer between the boy and I.  With no buffer, the boy said something and walked around like he was the one that had the right to be hurt and I snapped.

And then I cried.  And then I snapped again.

I wanted to take a slow walk into the middle of the highway that runs not too far from my house.  I just felt bad and as usual I asked for help on my facebook.  I said and I quote "I need a reason NOT to get drunk tonight." and not one person said a word for hours until Shawna.  She texted me back down to where I could at least touch my feet to the ground.  And as of last night, I honest to God Thank GOD for her.  Because I honestly would have done something very drastic last night.  I was feeling just that bad.

You probably didn't notice but I took a little bit of a break there.  I was actually gone for like four hours.  Mom nd I are taking a sign language class at the church up the road from me.  Well actually I should say the Big church.  Everyone in the area would know that I mean Friendship.  They freaking take up both sides of the road.  They have the little church on one side, (And the little church is bigger than the medium sized church I go to now.) and the BIG church which just for reference you can see from the highway from at least two miles away on a clear day...  Yeah it's that big.  Their chor practices in a room that's so freaking huge I'm pretty sure Jay-Z would walk in and go "Damnnnnn!!!" Well he might not say Damn cause after all, it is a church.

I got back and my guitar and game had gotten here.  I love the UPS man now.  He doesn't know it, but I love him.  I also love Amazon.  Amazon rocks.  Amazon could be my bosom buddy that gives me a kidney.  Yeah, it's like that.

So at the moment, I am going to go immerse myself in Rock band.  IF you don't hear from me for a few days that's why but I can still be reached by text.

Love and hugs guys.  Hope you all have happy dreams. 

This is going to be short...

because it's 12:30 in the morning and I have to be up at seven.  Church. So there have been a few ups and downs, this week. Up: I blogged about Andrea and got it off my mind and actually felt better because I had put my anger and hurt in my blog and not sent her the eff you kind of email that was quite literally on my fingertips. Down: She saw the angry/hurt blog (Seriously who knew she still read my blog? She hadn't talked to me in months) And of course, she took it about six different directions of wrong, I guess. Maybe she didn't. I don't know. Quite honestly, I am not sure I care. As far as I'm concerned, like I said, the fact that she didn't even give me as much as a courtesy text that she was pregnant spoke volumes. What I heard was "I don't consider you a friend anymore" So que sera. Whatever, I responded to the comment she left and left it alone. Up that's not really an Up but rather a pretty heinous down: I went looking for a high school friend that up until I checked last week we were friends and sent her a facebook message asking how we had become unfriended and said that if she did it for a reason I wouldn't ask to be her friend again. She approved me and then unfriended me the very next day and wrote me "It doesn't really matter now does it" in response to the message I sent her when I sent the friend request. So of course stupid stupid me was curious as to what happened. The really crappy down: She responded and told me flat out that she didn't respect me as a person. Not that I know what that was about but again stupid me asked and what followed thatwas she didn't like the stuff I say about my mother, my kids, and her. First off, I need to go looking back at like everything I've ever written because I don't remember writing anything bad about my mother. Whatever, and yeah, I say things about my kids but I'm usually only expressing my angst about the things they do and my parenting skills. As for what I say about her, I don't think I have EVERsaid her name in my blog and never had anything but good to say about her. Personally I think she's reaching for reasons for us not to be friends. When she was going through a bad relationship when I was I college, she basically gave me the brush off with an email punch in the gut and years later blamed it on she was in a bad situation and took it out on her friends. She ensured the punch in the gut again this time when she flat out said that she thinks the problems I am having with my son are my fault. Yeah, sucker punch me one shame on you, sucker punch me twice shame on me. I will not make the same mistake a third time. Rot in hell and burn slowly. She said I talked about her, there you go. I officially said something bad about her. I wish her well in life but when she leaves this earth I wish her nothing but pain and torment. Any hurt that she caused anybody on this earth, I hope that their pain fuels the fire she burns in. Not very adult of me I know. In fact I'm pretty sure that might qualify me for the kindergarten hall of shame but a little bit of me wants to be petty for even just a moment in time and you know what, this is kinda an open blog so she may troll and see that. I don't care. Sucker punches in the gut like the one she gave me don't get to be forgiven. Ever. Up: My bills are being paid off little by little. Down: I don't have any spending cash but it's not really a down because hell I am going to be debt free soon. Up: I'm sorting out my personal life. I am thinking before I make my choices. and then even before I'm making those choices I'm thinking again. Down: I usually talk myself out of doing something before I can get to the choice but hey if I can talk myself out of it I didn't need it, right? And that's kinda it. I think. It's late. It's like one am now and I'm about finished with my drink so I'm going to go to bed. Oh and a side note I'm still taking my med. I'm controlling the urge to go out and grab the first man I see and do things that would get me locked up. Happy and floating on cloud nine but locked up on cloud nine. I'm also managing the sleeping thing. I find that it's about having the will power. When I got Andrea off my mind I started to sleep at night and not need to be asleep all day. So it was stress over the crap in my life that was making me feel that I needed to crawl into bed and sleep for another four hours after the kids went to school. I still go back to sleep some days but not for four hours. Maybe only two and then I'm good. My attitude is definitely better. I blog and I'm done. It's out of my head and gone from my subconscious. It's still not controlling my headaches like it's supposed to but I'm going to give the stress free life a try and see if that was hindering the meds from working. I am going to live a stress free life. If people around me want to act high school, they can and I will just walk away. If they wanna sucker punch me, they can. I'll get over it. Guys can text me or not text me, I'll go on breathing. The world will keep on spinning and I will keep on typing. It's all good. Life is life. If you spend it working hard to make it go the way you want it, you're going to wake up old and tired because you have spent your whole life trying to change the course of the ocean by digging new rivers with a baby spoon. So yeah. Oh! I have figured out my Halloween costume this year, but more on that later! Ta! Dette

So help me...

...because I am confused...

So I posted a blog the other day about being hurt by a friend.  It's normal for me to post a blog when I'm thinking about something and need for it to get off my mind.  Usually the blogs are about people in my life and I choose to write here on my blog because in my mind it's better than posting it on Facebook for all to see or taking out a page in the daily news for even more people to see.  At least this is my reckoning... I might be wrong.  Who knows.

Well it seems that the person that the last blog was aimed at actually does, or rather did,(I'm not entirely sure) read my blog.  How often I don't know.  I mean if you had been a regular reader she would have known that her act of unfriendship hurt me way before it got to this point.  If she had been a regular reader, she would have seen that I hit a very low point last year and needed help.  But then if she had been a regular reader and didn't bother to even post a keep your head up comment then that would be another act of unfriendship.  Do you know what I mean?  It's like no matter which way I turn, she was either not being a friend because she knew that I was hurting and still did nothing or not reading and still didn't bother to even text me when she found out she was pregnant.  Something I would have been over the moon to hear since the last time was in NJ she was taking pre-natals because they were trying.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, she apparently does or did read my blog because she responded by telling me that I was as usual (I kinda need clarification on that but whatever) wrong and not to contact her.

I really don't think she read the whole blog because I haven't tried to contact her.  I spent a month looking at her info page because I was blocked from everything else.  Then I put a Random hello Thinking about you or some piss on her wall to see if she would even respond.  I then waited a week and when it finally sunk in that she wasn't going to respond and that she didn't care I deleted her and I have never tried to contact her again.

Although now that I think of it, I think she might have been one of the people that got the mass Happy Thanksgiving text.  Not sure.  I know I didn't make the mistake of looping her into the Merry Christmas or Happy New year or Happy Valentines day text. *Shrugs*

But I never tried to contact her.  At least not after that very impersonal Thanksgiving text.  And yes I admit it was very impersonal but it was the quickest way to wish every one of my contacts a happy turkey day.  I don't try to be personal in stuff like that.

I am honest to God confused at how she was hurt at my blog.  Had it been written about me by someone I would have at least tried to explain why I cut them out of my life like a cancerous tumor that was infecting my whole body.  Hmm... Maybe it was analogies like that which might have pissed her off... Did I put any of those in there?  Lemme check...

Hmm. maybe it was when I played the race card.  For that I apologize kinda.  Not that she'll ever see this but still I kinda apologize because It was sorta unfair.  I never came to her face to face with my concerns that I was just the token black friend.  So how could she know?  I never came to her and told her how on her wedding day her son made me cry because he said something to the effect of Black people always copying each other and so do monkeys and all black people were monkeys or something like that.  The whole family laughed because well I guess to them it was funny and I was expected to see the humor in a child's statement but I didn't and it hurt, but I wasn't going to ruin her wedding day with it.  I never came right out and told her that 90% of the people she introduced me to as her friends treated me like a canker sore.  And that one of the couples in particular saw me in Target one day and upon seeing me whispered to each other pointed at me and promptly turned the other direction.  No... Friend's don't point out stuff like that.

I also never stepped up and told her that her basically forgetting about me hurt.  But then what friend does?  How do you approach someone and say to them, you are treating me like I don't exist and it hurts?  And don't say that's how you tell them.  I want to know which of any of my readers would go to their best friend of 22 years and say that.  No, you would just wait one more day for them to remember that you are on the same planet.  And then another.  And another.  And another until the days roll past and before you know it, five months has rolled past and you find out something that hurts you so bad it's very nearly physical.

But I digress.  That's only my feelings.  Apparently I was very off on how I felt.

Sigh... It's whatever.  I'm still confused but I guess I am terminally to stay that way.

Sigh... When a friend betrays you it really hurts...

You know I really thought that I had gotten this off my mind when I put it as my status a couple of weeks ago... But no matter what I do, I can't shake the thought that until she knows what she did to me, the offending person and her act of unfriendship will continue to affect me...

So a couple of weeks ago, My mom calls me and says, Did you know that Andrea is pregnant?  I responded no but then I had taken her off my Facebook last October.  Whether she knew or cared that I had was beyond me.  I remember posting that my mom had just told me my best friend of twenty plus years was sixteen weeks pregnant on my Facebook and I truly thought that I would be able to forget it.

But I can't.

Okay, fine, you either don't know or don't care that I deleted you from my Facebook.  You never thought of me after I moved, and after you called me out on Facebook for deleting a post that you had commented on thinking that I deleted it because you disagreed with me, when in reality I deleted it because I was foul mouthed in the original comment and retrospect caused me to realize that it was uncalled for.  And You didn't seem to care when I began to delete the "friends" you introduced me to that never ever talked to me or even said hello.

But we were friends for 22 years and you didn't even bother to text me and tell me that you were pregnant?!?  Seriously??  That's like walking up to me under pretense of hugging me and then planting a knife right into my heart.  I could forgive and even try to forget that you blocked me from seeing pictures that I was in on your Facebook and that for a month I was stuck looking at your info page because you had blocked me from seeing any of your posts, but disregarding a 22 year friendship and not even telling me that you were expecting.  Low blow.

Regardless of the status of our online friendship, I would have never done that to you.  It was wrong, it was crass, and above all, now I know that we aren't even friends anymore.

Very well, I can take a very unsubtle hint when it's thrust in my face.  You chose your brand new non colored friends over our childhood friendship and relegated me to that dusty corner of your basement that never gets looked at.  Your actions just told me that what I thought was our friendship is officially over.

Whew!  Got that out of my system.  The question is, since I KNOW she doesn't read my blog, should I email this to her (A cleaner less acerbic version of course) or should I let this be the end of it.  And never think of her again and let her keep thinking that I'm still the ever patient Claudette sitting there waiting for her to notice me?

Sigh...

The sad thing is, IF my senior class ever has a 20 year reunion, I would want to go and she might be there as well.  I tend to hold onto things like this and stick them in my hair so that the ire never goes away.  What would I do if she came up to me and hugged me?  Would I hug her back and smile in her face or would I knock her away and treat her as badly as she's treated me?  I guess time will tell really.

Hopefully now that I've blogged about it, I can forget it and move on.

I really hope I can forget her the way she has me... But dammit 22 yrs of friendship meant something to me.  Obviously more than it did to her so it hurts so bad it's almost a physical hurt...

Sigh...

So... yeah....

So I went to the store tonight because my kids needed buns to go with their hamburgers.  That I didn't end up getting the buns and they didn't end up having hamburgers is only the end of the tale...

I should have gone to Food lion.  I really should have.  Looking back I really should have.  I don't know why I didn't I fully intended to go especially after the picture that my friend Mary Beth posted.

See she was in her food lion and found a side of beef for $926... Yeah, I know right?!?  She found another for like seven hundred dollars but I digress I'm kinda straying off topic but not really. So anyway, despite my intentions, I found myself at Wal-Mart.  And like usual every time I step into that money sucking hole, I went every place BUT where I needed to be.  I'm in the Ethnic Hair aisle (Can I point out that I really love and hate how the wal mart closest to me has delegated black folk's hair the very last freaking aisle in health and beauty)

So I'm standing here and this old but not so old (meaning she looked old but you could see behind the wrinkles that she wasn't as old as you would first think.  Of course if she's not grabbing your hand and telling you the things she told me, you don't really have a reason to look into her face.  So anyway I went to pass her and the younger woman that was with her and politely said "Excuse me" just like I do when I want someone in my way to move.  She looked up at me and I think she was about to say excuse her but she kinda stopped with her mouth open.

Yeah, I happened to notice this and I kinda stopped but it was that "Oh shit why's she looking at me like that" kinda stop.  She grabs my hand, spreads it out and traces the lines on my palm.  The whole time I'm thinking, I should snatch my hand away, I should get mad that this woman is manhandling me, I should snatch my hand away fast but I didn't.  Do not for the love of god ask my why I didn't snatch my hand away.

She looks up at me and she says as clear as day... "The one you dream of is going to find you soon but the one you want is the one you need.  Do not give up on him.  Just be patient.

Yeah, uhm... "What the eff are you talking about old woman"  was what should have come out of my mouth.  What actually exited the gaping hole where my mouth was was something along the lines of  "Huh?"

So she says again... "The one you dream of is going to find you soon but the one you want is the one you need.  Do not give up on him.  Just be patient."

I'm thinking there was a really dumb look on my face at this point because she expounded.  "You dream of a man.  He has an accent.  You have dreamed of him for years.  He is real and he is on his way.  But the one your body wants right now, He's the one you are supposed to be with.  Just be patient."

At which point she drops my hand and walks away.  The younger woman with her looks at me and says "I'm sorry, my mother sees visions.  She seemed to think that you were one she needed to tell a vision to.  You can take it or leave it.  Only you know if what she says has any significance but you should know, I've never known her to be wrong."

Stupid me says, "She's a psychic?"  To which the woman smiles at me and says "Call her what you will."

And she walks away.

My feet started moving but my brain was stuck on perma-pause so when I pulled up in my driveway without the hamburger buns I was pretty much thanking god for my ability to drive without thinking.  Then again who knows maybe he sent the woman and maybe he was driving the car tonight but oh my damn that was a chilling experience in wal-mart tonight.

So I'm thinking at this point if anyone is actually reading this, you might be wondering why was this so eerily accurate to me?  Here's the short version.

I have a guy that I have been dreaming about for basically as long as I can remember.  Even while I was married I dreamed of this guy.  I have "Watched" his children be born, I have "watched" his wife walk out of his life, I have "watched" his kids grow up.  As a matter of fact one night I dreamed that his son fell out of a tree and broke his arm.  I woke up screaming that he was hurt.  One night I dreamed that the girl was lost in the mall and I kept saying she was at the food court.  If Randy remembers my fresh from sleep ramblings is beyond me.  He might have been like the few others I told the story of the dream person to and wrote me off since by then I was on anti depressants.

As I moved around, he either got clearer or blurrier.  IN New Jersey he was so blurry that at one point I pegged him as Asian.  When we stopped in Texas for a few nights on the way back from Cali, I saw him so freaking clearly I could have drawn him.  It wasn't until I got here to NC that I heard him speak for the first time that I remember.  He has a Texas twang.   My take on all of this is the closer I get to where he is physically the clearer he is.  But then that's just my take.

As for the one my body wants... let's leave that alone for right now...

I don't know what to think... She was so on point that it's making me think but like the younger woman said... "Take it or leave it"

I'm thinking I need to leave it fir right now.  I really think I need to leave it.

Yes, I should leave it.

Yes.  Yes... definitely leave it.

Right???

Week five..

I have now reached Week five on my new daily headache medicine that is also an anti-depressant, migraine control, thousand other side effects pill.  And I can tell you there are some changes and not for the better.

One, it does NOT control migraines.  I have had two that I had to use the migraine med that I take after it's already started and can't take anymore pain.  Being as this is the actual use of this med I'm thinking that it's not really doing a bang up job now is it?  Nope...

Two, it does NOT put me to sleep like it's supposed to.  This I don't blame on the medicine not working really.  My body gets used to sleeping pills very easily.  The fact that a medicine that has a drowsing effect is not working after a week of working is actually not surprising in the least...

Three, an addendum to the second because the sleeping effect is sorta working, just working in a really annoying manner.  It doesn't put me to sleep, but it keeps me asleep.  Once I go down I'm down for nearly twelve hours.  This past week or more, If I try to stay up after I get the kids off to school I can't keep my eyes open for more than an hour and then I doze off against my will and sleep until noon.  It's bad.

Four, I have started stammering with a fierce vengeance.  My tongue gets tied up for trying to speak and I have to start whatever I've been saying all over again and you all know my memory... I'm liable to forget what I was talking about even if I just shut the hell up!

Five, Yeah uh, that whole enhanced sexual desire.  I got that.  The easiest way to say it is that I'm horney as a motherfucker and no place to spend it...  My dreams are so x rated I want to put a surgeon generals warning on them.  I mean damn...  I can hardly take it anymore.  I see a man I'd like to... well you know... and my mouth gets to waterin' and my heart gets to going and I'm like the wolf in those loony tunes... Of course I'm going to be honest, there is only one man I want to do this to in all reality and since I can't, well...  I'll say no more on this.

So yeah it's a safe bet that when I make my appointment with Dr. Lewis, I plan to tell her without a doubt what is going on.  I'm going to be honest, I don't know how much longer I can take it...

Enough is freaking Enough!!!

Okay, I'm just like everyone else.  I'm going to miss the music that Whitney Houston put our as much as the average person... I know that her music meant more to some than others... but enough is enough!!!

Whether it was intentional or not she took her own life and suddenly everyone is remembering her...  Don Cornelius took his own life and all he got was a day of soul train back to back.  Whitney dies and suddenly NO ONE can stop "remembering" her.

And I'm not saying this to be mean because I have nothing bad to say about her but tell me this... besides some music and a few movies, what did Mrs. Houston do that was so special?  Did she build a hospital or help starving children?  Did she cure a fatal disease? Did she use her millions of dollars to end hunger in a third world country?

No she sang.  She acted.  She used her money to pleasure herself.  Why should I drop everything and "remember" her.

One day was expected two days is acceptable but we're now at the six day mark and I for one am tired of every single African American channel pre-empting EVERY SINGLE PROGRAM to "remember" Whitney Houston.  Let the woman rest in peace, let the world start spinning again... we will survive...

A whole New Low....

I really honestly can't believe it...  My son hit a whole new level of low this time and didn't think for one minute that he'd get caught in it...

He came home with his report card the other week and he had one a a couple b's, a c, and a d.  He then said to me that the c got rounded up to a B because of the days he was absent for being sick.  I said okay and told him we had to get that D up.  Then next day, he came home with a pink invitation to the AB honor roll ceremony and said that since that C got rounded up to a B he had made the AB honor roll.

My first question was how in the hell did he make the AB honor roll when he had a D?  I mean maybe AB honor roll means something different to these schools today but in my day, that D would have meant no AB honor roll, you know?  So never the less he got congratulated by the whole family.  Everyone bought his excuse that he got on it because the C was rounded up to a B, no one questioned anything.

Well even though I had questions, my mom and I still planned on going to the awards Ceremony.  And I told my son this.  To his credit, he tried very hard not to get me to go.  At first he said he wasn't sure parents were allowed.  Then he said he wasn't sure he was in it because of the C that was supposed to be rounded up to a B but still appeared as a C on his report card.  Then for a week it was simply not mentioned.

Then he came home last Monday all mad because the honor roll kids got to go play laser tag and he hadn't gotten to go because his bus was late.  His bus is always late getting to school because the woman doesn't show up here until 8:45 which is exactly one minute before she can be reported. (His actual bus arrival time is 8:36 and she has ten minutes to get there before she can be reported.)  Anyway he said he was the ONLY ONE that didn't get to go because his bus was late and they had to be there at a certain time.

No those of you that are parents reading this, wouldn't common sense ring in here and say If this was a special trip for all the kids on the honor roll, don't you think the bus could have waited for him.  I mean they had to have a list of kids that were going to be going and further more since this was a school trip, a permission slip should have been sent home.  Right?  RIGHT??  All of these occurred to me as I called the school to find out but was asked to leave my number and the principal would call me back.  HE never actually called me back but then this is the man that called me by five different surnames in a ten minute conversation the last time we did talk so I'm assuming he forgot.

Skip to this morning.  Jovaughn took the invitation saying that he had to have it to get into the ceremony today.  Another one of those warning bells went off in my head.  Then he said he really didn't think it was for parents because they told him it was just a party.  Another warning bell.  I told him that I would call the school.  And i did and they confirmed that parents were invited to the ceremony today.  So I went to pick up my mother and together we went to the school.

Now, I had decided that I was not going to sit through this thing if my son wasn't one of the kids being honored and I found the first adult I could and she confirmed that the ceremony was for perfect attendance, and AB honor roll for either the first or second quarter.  I said he didn't have perfect attendance and he didn't get AB honor roll last quarter because he got an F and this quarter he'd gotten a D.  The lady then directed me to a list of all the students on the honor roll and told me to go check it.  I did and surprise, surprise!  Jovaughn's name wasn't anywhere on the list.  Around this time, the boy comes into the auditorium where the ceremony is being held and he sees my mom sitting and I can't tell if he was surprised to see her sitting there but I do know that a fearful expression and tears sprang to his eyes when he saw me. I took him up to the woman who happened to be his guidance counselor and told her that his name wasn't on the lists and that I needed to know why he received an invitation to the awards ceremony if he wasn't being honored.  She replied that it seems to have been a mistake that he was given one and then she told him to just go to his elective which is the class that he would have had if he hadn't be in the ceremony.

I then went to the office and left a message for his teacher to call me because at this point, you have to understand.  I dragged myself out of bed, and my mother out of her house and drove all the way to a school that I don't like overmuch anyway and now I was being told that he wasn't in it...  Naw,.  that's not flying with me.

So I am back home waiting for the teacher to call me.  Because I have strong suspicions that Jovaughn got that invitation from another child and tried very hard to pass off that he was on the honor roll even though he wasn't.  The deeper issue here is that he obviously wanted me to be proud of him for something and he thought that he wouldn't get caught.  But here's the thing... even if I hadn't gone to the ceremony, I knew that there was one today and I would have wanted to see his award.  Where was he going to get one with his name on it, or would he have said there was a mix up and he'd get his later?  I do know that he thought through it enough to leave his trumpet at home.  so he wasn't prepared to be sent to music class today.  The parent in me wonders what would have happened if he had sat through the ceremony he wasn't supposed to be at.  Would he have been marked as skipping music?  What would he have done if the teacher emaillled me or called me.

There are too many question surrounding this and my son and I don't know which answers to believe.  At this point I am waiting for the teacher to call me back.  I am not going to scream.  I am not going to yell.  In fact, I don't know what exactly I am going to do because yelling doesn't work, threatening doesn't work, punishing doesn't work.  Nothing works with him.  He still lies like a rug.  He's gotten on this path and he seems to be stuck.  I'm afraid my son is going to end up in juvie because he's going to llie to the wrong person one day, you know.


Like I said.  A whole new level...