I should be asleep

Lord above knows I am tired but at the moment, I can't really sleep.  There's a lot on my mind and when I finally went to sleep last night, I cried until I drifted off and kept crying because when I woke up my pillow was wet.  I also had some really nasty dreams.

Mind you there was no blood and for once they weren't themed around the latest netflix shows I've been watching which are Call the Midwife and the Walking dead.  But they were still nasty.

I'm not clear on the details this many hours later, but I can say that there was pain in every dream.  Snap crackle and pop weren't the only sounds in my bedroom this morning.  A lot of groaning because my body hurt in places it shouldn't have joined the chorus.

I also spent a copious amount of this morning crying.  I didn't know the human body had this many gallons of salt water in it.  I went to work where I cried.  And I would stop crying for strangely long periods but then I would cry again and then I did something that I'm finding I do way more than I should which is speak out of anger and aim it at the wrong person.  I have already apologized to them but I think I'm just going to start a list.  I;m going to label it "People who deserve multiple apologies"

I managed to ride home with my mom and not cry.  I even managed to be mom for all of ten minutes and not cry and bonus, I even had a conversation on the phone and didn't cry or pick a fight.

But then I sat here and cried.  And cried because I was crying.  Then I got mad that I was crying and I cried some more.  Seriously, there can't be this much salt in a normal human body.  There can't be this much water.  There just can't.

So needless to say that although I'm sitting here yawning on top of yawns (That very surreal moment when you are almost finished with the first yawn and a second yawn sneaks in at the end and you yawn again)  I'm actually afraid to go to bed.  I don't want bad dreams and I don't want to wake up with a wet pillow.

Also, I'm off tomorrow.  Pretty sure I will cry again because what else is sleep for but to apparently replace the water in your body so that you can spend the day repeating the same activity you've been doing for a day and a quarter.

Can I wake up just one day and be a guy?  Just one day.  Scratch wherever I want to, say whatever, act however?  Just one day I'd like to wake up as a guy.

Oh leave me alone, I know I just categorized men into an unflattering light... again...

My eyes are heavy bloggers.  I'm not going to be able to fight not going to bed much longer.  I may or may not blog tomorrow.  It's my day off so I don't imagine too many things will happen that will be blog worthy.  NInety percent sure that I will curl up in bed or get out bed and clean something.

Okay, I give.  I'm going to bed.

Bridges and walls.

Can you mend fences
When you only fix what you see
And all you see is half the fence?

Can you build bridges
When the water is rushing
And you don't know how to swim?

Can you tear down walls
When they're made of steel
And your wrecking ball is plastic?

Can you trust someone
When you don't listen to them
And only judge what you think you hear?

Your fences will always be broken.
Your bridges will always fall in.
Your walls will always keep good things out.
And your trust will always be only in yourself.

You must listen to build fences.
You must talk to build bridges.
You must trust to tear down walls
You must let walls fall to build trust.

I will stand and hold the boards while you hammer.
I will help keep you afloat until the bridge is built.
I will chip away at my side of the wall until I meet you.

Just trust that it was worth your time.

The trust has to be on both sides.
Mine is there.  Always was.
All we need is yours.

An Apology... not that it matters.

So once again my fingers got me in trouble.  This time they have ended something that I'm not sure ever began but whatever.

I got mad. And I went overboard.  And I got insulting.  I admit that. I admit all of that.  Even if this is my personal blog and I don't name names, people can still access it and see it and read it.  Given that, Even that, especially that, I should still be a lady and not be an insulting asshole about anyone.

So recently I posted a blog titled Men Suck.  If you want to look for it, fine, I'm not going to delete it because it's out there and I did feel that way at the time. The message I was putting down was what I felt, I just went about saying it the wrong way.  I was insulting and belittling to all men.  No man deserved that.

The thing is I never get to tell my side of the story.  Ever.  Everything and everyone else is always more important that me in everyone else's world.  To tell the truth, I'm not even in my own top five anymore.  

No one ever wants to know my side of any story.  And I mean that.  Ever.  Some people might listen and then turn it into their own time where I listen to their woes but then some just don't have time for me at all.  And they don't see how much it hurts.  But that's neither here nor there.

What I'm trying to say, is that I meant what I said, but I didn't mean it the way I said it.  I hope that makes sense.  I'm pretty sure it doesn't.  However, it's the only way I can say sorry.

I have removed my blog from Twitterfeed.  If you are reading this because you now follow it, great but it's not going to post to my facebook anymore as far as I know.  Of course if this shows up, then there's a setting I can't erase.

Full as a tick

 Oh my God!!!

So tonight, My aunt had family dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.  A couple of things.  One, this place was so awesome that I turned my phone OFF.  not on silent, not on vibrate, I turned it OFF.  And did so without being asked to do so.  Second, the food...

Insert Homer Simpson like drool here.

So my salad was an actual wedge of iceberg lettuce.  Like they cut the entire head into fours and made four salads.  It was 1/4 of a head of lettuce.  Yeah I know that may not be awesome to everyone but then they put thousand island and bacon on top of it and I got the guy who's sole purpose in the place it is to put fresh ground pepper on things to grind pepper on it.  Awesomeness!!  I have always dreamed of eating someplace where a guy stand over me and tells me to say when to make the pepper stop.  I know, I have very small dreams but damn it was nice and fresh and awesome and it was good and drool...And then the steaks....

I had the cowboy ribeye.  22oz of delicious life altering cow.  Mr. Cow I don't know who you were or where you grew up but damn am I glad you graced my plate with your ass tonight.  I love you.  I didn't finish you because there was a LOBSTER TAIL on top of you but oh my damn what I did manage to get down was so freaking fantastic...  And the baked potato... Until this summer, I never at baked potatoes but Patty made me eat one this summer and I am SO glad she did.  SO glad.

And if that wasn't enough, I had wine AND a Chocolate martini.(Which don't let it fool you it's really a really strong white russian)  But so good.  I know, I'm saying so good a lot but... so good.

And dessert!  Chocolate molten lava cake.  I had it without the caramel and the ice cream because there has to be a limit with even something that awesome and ice cream was my limit tonight.  The chocolate has espresso.  I'm pretty sure I may not sleep tonight.

Hell who am I kidding, I might not eat for at least 36 hours.  I am so damn full.

And why do people say full as a tick??  I would think full as a leech since when leeches are done feeding they just fall off.  That's what I wanted to do tonight just fall out.  But I couldn't because I was wearing so much spandex under my dress that even if I would have fallen out I would still been sitting straight up with my tummy sucked in.

Come to think of it, if I hadn't had the tummy sucker I might have been able to finish the steak.  Nah.  Maybe.  Most probably. but

Oh.

My.

 God.

If you get the fundage to go, I highly recommend Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.

Now off the foodage and onto me.  I already said I was wearing spandex but you should have seen the whole outfit!

As a matter of fact... hang on...

You know what, I'm so done trying to format these pictures.  I'm actually tired and have a food headache.

Maybe food headache isn't the best description.  I have an I've had my period for three damn weeks eaten enough chocolate to give an anorexic diabetes and want to go to bed kind of headache.  But as you can see, I looked good!  And I finally got my knee high black boots and they are fantastic!!  I'm ignoring the fact that you can see my bra thrugh the top of my dress.  Concentrate that there are indeed boobs up there.  Don't get to see those at work.  Lesson to guys.  Take me places where I can show off the boobs.  I will be happy.  Because I will be happy, you will end the night happy.

Wait... did I just say that if you take me out and let me look like a girl I will put out?

You damn skippy.

Also, there should be some foodage involved.  I'm not picky.  Maybe a movie.  And some foreplay.  But mostly take me out and show me off.  I like to be shown off.  I like thinking that people of you because you're with me.

I'm vain like that.  Get over it, let me be a girl and you'll be happy.

I'm going to take my night meds and go to bed.

I had a blast tonight.  Thank you Auntie!!

Night bloggers!!  Stay frosty!!

I can't say I'm okay

But I can't say that I'm not.

Work is still fun although some parts of it and some days, it actually does feel like work and some days I just dont want to be bothered.  I don't like feeling like that and in the past those tend to be the days when I'm so off my game that something bad happens.  Tonight I made and remade a pizza wrong.  Yep, I made a pizza wrong and then made the remake wrong.  Same pizza, wrong twice.  That has to show you how off my game I was.

Not that tonight was one of those nights where I don't want to be bothered.  Quite the opposite actually.  I sat in the house for I wanna say two days but I got out yesterday AND got to make pizza. (Howie's is like a siren call, I don't go far from it...ever.)  But tonight.  Something just wasn't... there.

It's not car issues.  I could care less about my car.  It's probably more like health issues.  I'm back to feeling broken again but this time, thank God, it's missing a period, it's the freaking period from hell that never goddamn ends.

On week three now.  Weight gain is up to thirteen pounds mostly because I eat chocolate and French fries.  And when I'm not eating chocolate and french fries, I'm craving chocolate and french fries or feeling guilty because I just ate chocolate and french fries.  I need this to end.

On the other hand, while I'm a freaking fountain of... I'm not going to finish that... I'm most decidedly not horney.  The thought of that right now... ew.  And for that reason I can actually look at my latest crush objectively and realize... meh.  Of course all males are meh at the moment.  And I don't mean that in a bad way at all, just an I can leave you because I probably won't take you right now kind of way.  I actually attempted to watch The Borgia's on Netflix tonight and there are mad sex scenes in it.  For the first time in a long time I watched them with a sense of ...well... meh.  A lot of bloody moaning and groaning and men having all the damn fun.

I don't understand the mechanics of it all.  They stick that into us women and go in and out and it's supposed to feel good??  You might laugh and you might say because I've never actually enjoyed sex that I'm overthinking it but I don't get it.  In out in out in out faster in out in out and then done.

Yeah I think it's safe to say at this point that whatever fire had been lit in me a few weeks ago has been doused.  I'm good.

I'm tired and I have a migraine and tonight for maybe the fifteenth time I swore that I will not eat or drink any more chocolate for at least six months.  It doesn't even taste good to me right now.  Of course I've also been eating bakers chocolate so that may have something to do with it.

No more chocolate.  Can't say the same for french fries.  That craving isn't going anywhere.

Well, it might.  It's time for me to see my dr. soon and she did promise me that one more visit with my blood pressure up and she would put me on hypertension meds.  I don't want that and my recent headaches, while generally caused because I can't seem to stem the flow... I'm not going to finish that... might be caused by raised blood pressure.  The nosebleeds are part of that too.

Whine whine whine... I'm done.

If you were waiting for the whine to end, it's right here.

I got my dress for tomorrow.  I love it.  For once I didn't get anything in black or grey, I got it in red.  Yep, I got a color. I need to go to the steakhouse restaurant's website and decide what I want to eat.

Of of the things I think I need to do, I know I need to go lay down.  Whine or no whine, my head is pounding and now there are bright colors intruding in my vision. Nor can the nausea that's creeping up on me.

Stay frosty bloggers.  I'm going to lay down.  Eff this.

Oh bugger it all!!!

Have you ever had one of those moments when you just want to throw your hands in the air and just say, "Fuckit, I'm done!"  And not in an angry, pissed off at the world kind of way, just in a matter of factly, the straw hasn't quite broken the camel's back but you just can't do it anymore kind of way?  I guess that would mean a bone weary tired kind of way.

So in July, I went overnight camping with a couple of friends.  The next morning I was needed to go into work early so I ran by home and dashed back out again.  When I returned home from work that afternoon/night the police were here and apparently my alarm had been going off and the cops had been called.  I had been robbed once again.

And once again, because of my gut telling me to hide the most important stuff, the only thing they were able to get was the Wii.  At first I said fuck it, they can do without since the had the xBox.  But after a few weeks of self pity I found myself to a pawn shop on South Blvd. where they had a Wii.  No cords, no controllers, just the console.  I paid sixty five dollars and brought it home.  Then I hid it in the drawer.  I figured I would need to find a way to prepare the kids that they would have to make their Mii's again and all their Data wouls have been lost and then back it up with at least I got them a new one.

Skip forward to tonight.  The subject finally was broached and the kids were tld. They took it better than I thought and the way I hoped.  They were fine as long as they at least had a Wii.  They took it, they hooked it up and called me screaming.

Why, you ask?

Because there was all of their information right there as if the will had never gone missing.  Their Mii's, our info, our games... it was ALL there.

I paid sixty five bucks for my own damn wii.

I paid for my own wii.  Across town.

Patty advised me to call the non emergency line for CMPD and tell them that I've found my own wii.  Maybe they'll go with me back to the pawn shop where the report can be shown and since it was my property to begin with, they'll give me my money.  Considering they bought stolen merchandise  the least they can do is give me back my money.  I'm going to ask Mommy if she will take me tomorrow.  Or at the least Thursday.

On the news of the car, it now won't start.  I'm going to junk it.  I won't put any more money into it.  I've actually just contacted the place that first fixed it up for me and asked them if they buy old VW's.  I'll see what they have to say before I call a place that more than likely shove it in a junk yard and let it rot further.

I'm not upset, I'm just...  Whatever.  Life is testing me to see how strong I am and I refuse to give in.  I'm not going to buckle.

Cooked dinner for the girls tonight.  Fried Whiting and french fries.  There goes my fatty meal portion for the month.  They told me they miss me being home and they love it when I cook.  Guilt trip much??  I must endeavor to actually cook on my nights off from now on.  I know they enjoy it.  I think next week we'll have roast beef.

Sigh...

At least life is NEVER boring around me.

Stay Frosty bloggers.  I'm going to finish out season two of Call the midwife...

Ugh...

Randomness tonight...

1. So watching netflix... I've fallen in love with this BBC show called Call the Midwife about women who delivered babies in East London in the 1940's.  Love it.  But like all English shows, it has a Christmas episode.  American Television doesn't show this.  AT ALL>  Why not?  WHat does American television have against the Christmas episode of English shows?  They act like they don't exist all together and just go right on to the next season and the viewer is left with a million questions.  Like Downton Abbey.  If I hadn't wisened up and looked up the Christmas episodes, I would never have even half the answers I do now.  Ha, you thought I was going to give a spoiler.  Phooey on you.

2.  Watching Once Upon a Time tonight.  In true ABC style, they managed to turn the innocent tale of the sorcerer's apprentice into a dark and twisted tale.  Yea!  You caught my sarcasm.  I know you did.  I don't have any other opinion than to sit here with my mouth all twisted up in disgust.  But still I watch the show.  It's like my soap opera.

3. I have the next three days off.  Not sure how I feel about this but it's not going to change while my car is a very large piece of shit.  So I'm going to do something constructive with my time.  I'm going to binge watch Call the midwife with a side of Walking dead and if I'm not completely out of my fool mind by Tuesday night I *might* clean out my DVR.  I will be out of my mind.  This is not negotiable.  Since I;ve started working, I don't really want to be home.

4. Which leads me to randomness #4.  I don't really want to be at work either because I live there and that's not good.  People who live t work only tend not to have any other life.  I want another kind of life.

                         


I want the life that the beginning of this summer made me think I'd have by now.  NO, I'm not about to go into another rant.  I want to, but I'm not.  The good news is I managed not to act like every breath he took Saturday night made me want to rip his face off.  That's progress, right?  I mean baby steps.  I know I must take baby steps.  (Stop laughing)

And a friend of mine tried really hard today to make me understand that if he uses me having kids as an excuse or really won't be seen with me outside of work, he can't really be what I want.  I'm not that desperate am I?  Oh God what if I am?  No, no, I'm not.  This is the brain's chemical reaction to the serotonin that lit it up like a Christmas tree a month ago.  That's all this is.  And it will go away.  And I will be fine and I will stop thinking in the back of my mind  

I still have to give him his birthday present in a month.  I was stupid and set aside money from a couple of paychecks to buy him a carton of his favorite cigarettes a couple of times.  So now, I have cigarettes that taste like straight ass in my drawer and when I give them to him for his birthday present, he's going to still think that I'm hung up on him again.  Hopefully by them I won't be.

5. I have to be a good girl now.  Certain someone is on my Facebook now and if he thinks I believe that he doesn't use the damn thing incognito he's fallen down and hit his head.  Hah!  Nope!

THIS is why I don't say any names.  It's safer that way.

So I'm going to go and watch the Christmas Episode of Midwife and then tuck my self into bed until tomorrow.

Nighty o!

Special Customers... (And other randomness)

So uh yeah... tonight and extra special customer learned just WHY they don't generally let me talk to customers after 8 pm....

This guy came in and did his thug gangster crap to Felicia and I looked up and saw his face and figured he was messing with her and she and I were getting along today so I really thought, "He better not be messing with her..."  I went up there and he was trying to play it off like he was just messing with her but I'm pretty sure he saw my mom walk and thought he better play it off... Whatever, he got two menus and left the store.

About a half an hour later, he called FROM THE PARKING LOT to order a large pizza and 20 boneless wings but he was talking like I spoke ebonics and I couldn't understand him... I honestly thought he wanted me to put BOTH buffalo and BBQ on a ten piece wings.  To which he said,"You know what? I'm in the parking lot, I'm coming in."

My thought was, If you are the effing parking lot why not just walk in and place your order.  Followed closely by by, Be nice dette, be nice

ANYWAYS

He comes walking up to the door like he's gonna hurt someone and gets to the counter and says, "You know let me tell you like this."  And he wasn't playing either.  He was actually going to get mad at me and proceed to tell me off.  "Let me tell you like this." was the last thing he got out of his mouth before I looked him square in the eye and said "I really hope that you are playing with me because if you are about to tell me off I WILL come over this counter.  Not around it, OVER it."

The look on his face was the same look that all boys get when they've pissed off mom.  So I know he had home training by a good woman but oh man, I was so deadly serious.  He even tried to come back at me somewhat when he looked over at Falecia and said "What kind of customer service is this?"  To which I replied, "I don't have any customer service skill when customers act like that, now what do you want?"

I so could have gotten fired.  I know this and I am so thankful that my boss had gone home and that the owners weren't there.  I'm pretty sure I would have been turned out on my ear but damn, people need to understand that just because someone lied to you and told you that the customer is always right doesn't mean that I have to help support that lie.  The customer is not always right.  Most of the time the customer gets what they want because the person they are belittling has more class than to go up one side of them and down the other.

Like I said, they don't generally let me talk to customers after a certain hour.  I'm not a nice person to those who aren't nice to me and my censor guard takes a serious nap...

I really really should watch this.  One day I'm going to come across a customer who might actually complain.  But you know what, I'm not going to deny that I probably ripped them a new asshole, I'll own up because my boss knows me well enough that I couldn't perpetrate that lie on my best days.  If someone says I went off on them his first question would probably be to them "What did YOU say that caused her to rip you a new asshole?"  And you better have your story straight, too because you best be damn sure that I'm going to tell WORD FOR WORD what you said that caused me to go off.

I'm a nice person, I swear I am... NO no I don't.  My momma raised me not to swear to falsehoods.  I can be a nice person but I reciprocate what I receive and if I receive crap I WILL give you back shit.

I should not work in customer service.
I should not work in customer service.

I learned this lesson back at value city when I made a woman cry at the customer service desk because she tried to return panties that she had worn and not even bothered to wash.

I should not work in customer service.
I should not work in customer service.

I should just stay in the back and make the food and not talk to the customers.  I should do that.  I can do that.

That is what I am going to do from now on.  I'm just going to stay in the back.

Away from customers.

And make food.

For the customers.

Away from the customers.

Away from people.

Also, I want my braids back.  I miss my braids.  I know who I am with braids.  I don't know who I am with hair and I know I spent $264 dollars on these tracks and another $90 to have them put in but dammit, I want my braids back.  This crap is way too high maintenance.  I am not a high maintenance kind of girl.  I am a put it in a ponytail or let it hang kind of girl.  This crap requires combing and straightening and curling and other girly crap.

No.  Just No.  I will wash the tracks and get them sewn into Olivia's hair.  She's a girly girl  She will pull them off and be just fine and probably rock them better than I ever could.

I want my braids back.  By Thanksgiving I will have them back.  I'm so done with the pretty girl hair.
It's two am and I haven't even taken my night pills.  I'm going to go do that.

Stay Frosty bloggers.

I should go back to the nightly blogging.

So as a follow-up to last nights banshee rant againt men in general (by the way that was about one guy but he WILL remain anonymous... at least to the general public)

BUT this morning a friend of mine called me and mentioned that I was in a foul mood last night and I almost fell out of my bed laughing.  Why did I have this brain disconnect moment, you ask? Well the person I was not talking to last night acted completely oblivious to me not saying anything to him so the fact that he mentioned it to the friend that called me means that yes he noticed.  My answer this morning to was I okay because I was in a foul mood last night was the laugh and say I wasnt in a bad mood, just not talking to him.  And in some weird twisted way, it made me feel just a little bit better that said person actually noticed.

Yeah, I'm strange and stupid like that and no, I don't apologize for it.

So back to the topic, I think I am going to go back to blogging nightly because there is a lot of crap in my head that really SHOULDN'T be in there when I go to bed.  I mean really should not be there because then I have dreams that even I can't explain.  And I wake up and its like WTF.

Have you ever noticed that after Tuesday even the calendar says WTF? Serious random thought.

Im still at work.  I probably shouldn't be blogging at work but there you have it.

My car died today.  I got to the auto zone and thats where she sits.  Every time I took my foot off the gass, it stopped.  Its throwing nine codes not counting the brakes so yeah... hooptie has had her lasr hurrah at my expense.  Im so done.  Im going to call one of those places that buy junk cars and tell them that THEY can go get it.  I am not putting any more money in her.  Come to think of it, I cleaned her out yesterday just on a whim and im wondering if the dirt that I took out of her and off her was what was holding her together... and of course I just put probably the last bit of money I could spare into the tank.  Thats why I stopped filling her up.  Every time I did, she caught a case.  Note to self... just drive on fumes... lol

Im still in a good mood.

Im gonna stay in a good mood.  The tramadol might have something to do with that.

I'm gonna close this. I should go flip the make line.  Im gonna wait.  We're gonna get a pop thats gonna make it not worth doing right now.

So stay frosty bloggers I love y'all you know that?  Even when I rant and rave on you're still here.  I like that.

Gnight y'all!!

So... Men suck...

Can someone tell me why men think that they have the monopoly on Blue balls??  Is it because they think they're the only ones that have balls?  They aren't.  Women have balls, but ours are in the inside and we call them ovaries.   And while we're on lessons, guys, let me tell you, when you jump start those things, especially after they've been dormant for a couple of years, you really need to finish what you start.  And that's just advice from a woman.

Men have it so freaking lucky, I think.  They get all excited and they can go in the bathroom and jerk jerk jerk until they feel all fine and even with the world again.  Girls do that and we're nasty and dirty.  I have never once, outside of a really bad porn flick, seen a woman go into a bathroom and attempt to solve that problem on her own.  No, women wait until they get home and they pull out vibrators or hit the showers.  Why do you think detachable showerheads and extension shower lines sell so well?  Because women always have to finish what men start and are too much of a pussy to finish.

And God forbid, as a woman, I try to get said man to understand that it would be nice if he finish what he started.  Oh no!  Evil!!  Stay away from this one boys!!  She's gonna insist that you NOT leave her all hot and bothered and then pretend like you didn't do a damn thing wrong.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that things went the way they went or rather are going.  IS it still counted as in motion when you have stopped moving altogether?  Whatever.  I have kids and even though I knew it was coming and tried to avoid it by saying up front I didn't want one, EVERY SINGLE MALE ON THE FUCKING PLANET seems to think that if you date a woman with kids, she's going to expect you to want her kids and love them and be daddy.

NO, men.  Just NO!  In big bold capital letters NO!  Stop that!  If by chance there are any men reading this blog please listen and listen well.  If a woman outright says to you, and I QUOTE, "I am not looking for a father for my kids.  They already have one.  One that loves them.  I'm looking for someone for ME."  SHE MEANS IT!!!  She's not just saying that so that you'll walk into her trap and maybe some women might actually be classless enough to try that line and then get you hooked but a real woman, a woman who already has her battle scars from foraging into the world of men, is not going to say that stream of sentences lightly.

So men, please stop using the excuse "You have kids and I'm not sure I'm ready for that".  It's old and it's tired and it put you in a barrel with all the other no ball sac having assholes that used that same lame excuse to get out of getting to know a woman and that isn't really someplace you want to be.

You all keep claiming that divorced black women are all bitter.  Stop and take a minute and think about why you think we are.  Because we don't put up with bull shit?  Because when you throw an excuse at us, we don't just accept it and believe you?  That when you do something stupid she expects you to own up to your actions and be a man?  Because she wants you to hold her and make her feel like an actual flesh and blood woman and not a three dollar whore?

We aren't bitter.  We're battle weary. There's a difference.  A big one.  And NO, we aren't holding you responsible for what our ex's did to us... well I'm not going to speak for all women... MOST of us aren't making new men pay for past men's mistakes.  If you act the same, it's not our fault that we recognize time repeating itself and want to get off the ride.  My ex was a son of a bitch (I mean that so literally I could stitch it on a sampler)  He lied, he cheated, he belittled me, and he played so many mind games that when I finally got out of the house of mirrors long enough to breathe fresh air, I had no idea who I was.  The night we actually started our honeymoon, he was actually INSIDE ME and told me he was sorry, but he planned to cheat on me.  He'd always wanted a white girl. And he was in the navy so to him, going to different ports was giving him that opportunity.

But I'm not bitter.  Nope.  I learned my lesson.

Back to the topic at hand.

Women are not just machines that you men can just turn on and off at the flick of a switch.  Okay, maybe some women are and they kinda give women who have a little more grounding a bad name but whatever.  If you start something, please please please finish it.  If at first you don't finish (maybe because a very unwelcome visitor showed up) go back and finish when you can.  And don't make her wait long.  What will happen is that everytime she looks at her shower head, the damn thing will cry, "Rape!!  Stalker!! Stay away from me!!" or just dribble water as if it's crying because it's had enough.  If batteries are on her grocery list every time you glance at it, you're taking too long.  And no, the batteries aren't for the Wii remotes or the Xbox controllers.  They're for the little friend that she keeps hidden in a drawer so that when you pussy out, she can get some kind of relief.

Okay, I've ranted myself out.  The banshee inside my head has screamed all the obscenities she had.  I don't feel like doing anyone bodily harm out of sheer frustration anymore.  We're all good.

Seriously men, the moral of tonight's rant was basically this:  Finish what you start or don't freaking start it.  We all have blue balls but some are just a little harder to get back to normal.  And stop being pussies.  And using people's kids as excuses not to get to know a woman.  Grow up and be men.  That's all women want.  For you to be a man.  The one we were attracted to in the first place.  Just be him.  Let stuff fall into place and happen the way it's going to happen.  Stop thinking she's making you pay for shit another man did to her.  She's not.

I'm going to bed, bloggers.  I'm spent and have to be at work tomorrow at one.  I seriously think an espresso shake might actually be needed for the first time in a long time.

On the bright side I did a little retail therapy a few days ago and they go here today.  Way too big for me in retrospect but I kinda feel better...