We never really leave high school...

It's a lesson that I have learned and keep having to re learn over and over again.

The characters never change ever.  The cast yes, but never the characters.  It's rather like Whitney houston and Deborah Cox's song. Same Script; Different Cast.

Usually I play the gullible bank freak outcast that wants desperately to be friends with all the cool people at the expense of her dignity.  The one that always, always, always ends up broken and alone.

I think this time I will play the band geek that already knows the lesson and sits back as the rest of the idiots in the drama play out their parts.

So... The cast of characters:

• The wife... aka the cheerleader
• The Husband... aka that guy, the cool one that every girl wants (Or so he thinks)

Caught up?  Good.

So the band geek became friends with both Th Guy and the The Cheerleader.  In truth, she kinda liked Guy more because he told the truth all the time whether you wanted to hear it or not.  And at one point the band freak was so super horney that she actually flirted with The Guy.  But here's where the drams begins to unfold.  The Guy turned her down and eventually the Freak found what she needed (which was basically a quick fuck somewhere) and she simply settled for The Guy's friendship because as stated before she actually respected him.  Meanwhile the Freak was occasionally hanging out with the Cheerleader but the more she did, the more she realized she was the beard.  The one that covers up.  When the cheerleader wanted to go out and screw the nearest dick, she basically told people she was hanging out with the freak.  When she was truly in trouble and stranded with the dick du jour, the freak did the good friend thing and went to the rescue.

But then the cheerleader slipped up and showed her batshit crazy side.  By this point The Guy had already left and kept trying to make a break but the Cheerleader held things over him.

About a year and half passed and the Freak no longer talks to the Cheerleader but sees The Guy often.  The freak still actually respects The Guy more from getting to know him.  So she actually tells The Guy about the night that the Cheerleader was stranded at the motel with the dick du jour.  Oops!  The Guy, while claiming that he knew the shit that the Cheerleader was in, didn't actually know that.

Damn that Band Freak!

The Guy ran straight to the Cheerleader to tell her what the Band freak said and as predicted, the cheerleader cussed the Band Freak out.

End of Drama.

Screw the names and the tags.  I knew that eventually the word would get to the wife that I told.  After she put a not so veiled Fuck you on facebook, I knew that the extremely long and blown out text was coming.  I figured it would either be a text on my phone or a message on Facebook.  Whichever served the purpose.  She chose text.

OMG I was so relieved.  I could go on with my life.

Except for one thing.

SHE ACTUALLY THINKS I WANT HER HUSBAND.  THAT I WANT HER HUSBAND TO BE MINE.

That's the one thing I can't get over.  Because it seems that the both of them think this.  For some reason they both seem to think that I want a relationship with the Guy.  

The Guy has a certain charm about him.  He demands respect just by being who he is, that it true but the Guy has a serious downfall.  he thinks that women who try to be his friend only are doing so because they want a taste of the guy.  

I want a quick fuck from him in late 2014 maybe early 2015.  After that I wanted nothing but friendship.  But she's worked it up in her mind that betraying her secrets I'm trying to get her out of the picture and put myself in.

I have no words.  I really don't.  I can't for the life of me see how she has held onto this belief for so damn long.  Or how he has.  No matter how many times I go over it in my head I just don't get it.  Maybe I flirt unconsciously when I talk?  Maybe I'm too friendly with men?  Dafuq?!?

So like I said, we never leave high school.  There will always be the one that plays the part of the band freak who just wants friends.  There will always be a plastic little spastic that gets high and fucks anything that can fit in her holes.  There will always be that Guy that thinks if a female is nice to him it must be because she wants him between her legs.  The Cheerleader will always think that every woman wants her man because she is so damn insecure.

To hell with them.  To hell with them all.  Fuck it, I haven't be apart of any band in nearly twenty years so even fuck the Band freak role.  I'm just me and I think I have learned the lesson of high school never ends.

So I'm at the point where if I never speak to either of them again my life will be so awesome.  I realize that since I work with The guy, silence may be difficult but damn if I won't try.

MAn Fuck High School....

Explanation of Silence

So, I’m not sure if anyone on Facebook noticed but for the last few days, I’ve been sorta on the missing in action side.  I guess my reason is that I don’t really have much to say publicly anymore. 

I found out a few weeks ago that I tested positive for Lupus.  A few days later she called back and said no, it wasn’t Lupus but pretty much 24 hours later I was called back and told, yes it is Lupus, they just don’t know what kind. 

Normally this would say to me, Dette, you need to get a second opinion.  But I couldn’t do that because even though my paperwork was refilled in March, Social Services still hadn’t reinstated my Medicaid which, until I can get a better job that comes with health benefits, that’s my only way of seeing a doctor or getting any of my ever growing number of prescriptions.  I have been fighting with Social Services now for months and only yesterday when I could hide behind my dignity and broke down and sobbed in front of pretty much everyone in Freedom Ave. DSS, did anyone do anything.  And before any one of you say it, NO, I did not use tears to get what I needed, I just wasn’t capable of dealing with the form answers that I’ve been getting lately indicating that I’m still getting nowhere.  It was only when I lost pretty much any shred of dignity I had left did anyone understand just how bad off I am right now. 

I can’t do this anymore.  That is simply what this boils down to.  Strange things have been going on with my body for almost a year now yet anytime I try to discuss it with a good number of my friends, it turns into them telling me about what wrong with them.  I have come to hate the phrase, “Yeah, well…” because it has come to ALWAYS without fail, mean “Enough about you, time to put the spotlight on me.”  The sad thing is, I’m not sure that any one of the handful of friends that do it even realize that they do it.  And I’m partially to blame for them not knowing that they do it because I tend to switch right back into supportive friend mode and comfort or just listen.

But lately I haven’t been able to do it.  The voice in my head starts screaming things that I have to hope and pray don’t come out of my mouth so I just don’t put myself in those situations anymore.  I’ve begun to distance myself from everyone.  I come home from work and I drink.  And I mean drink to the point where I used to be the one that my job called when they needed someone to come in and help out but they can’t do that anymore because within twenty minutes of getting home, I am no longer legal to drive.  I wake up, I play my Facebook games, and I get off the computer and I read.  I went back to writing again but I found that every time I did, whatever I was writing began to take on my real life or rather the real life my inner self wants where I blatantly scream, “It’s not about you!”

Believe me or don’t but I have even tried praying but the voice inside of me alternates from “If your friends won’t listen to you, why should God?” to “If there really was a God, why would he let this happen to you?”  This leads me back to drinking because I know there is a God and I know that he cares and he only give you what you can handle even if you feel like it’s crushing you.  So I try to shut the voice up because I was raised by a good Christian woman and loving Church family and I know that God is God.  I am not His only concern here on earth and He did not give me Lupus.

Those of you that think I’ve been shying from them and leaning only towards the man that I’ve been seeing, I can tell you that you too are wrong.  I haven’t said anything to him as well.  As a matter of fact, if he reads this he’s probably going to say WTF because I’ve become such a good hider that I haven’t said anything to him.  The truth is, I don’t want to run him away because he’s one of the few things in my life right now that make walking into traffic look like a really stupid choice meaning, he makes me want to live.  When I’m with him, I smile.  When I talk to him, I smile.  Hell when I think about him, I smile.  I like smiling.  I like feeling happy.  If not telling him about the crap in my life makes the happy continue, I’m going to try hard to keep that.

And I realize that it looks to some like I’m keeping him a secret but what some people, okay a lot of people have to understand is that I’m actually being respectful.  I don’t say his name of put up pictures of us because I’m not sure that we’ve reached that stage.  I’m not sure if he wants that.  He knows that it’s one of my secret desires to be able to say on Facebook that I’m in a relationship with and actually be able to say a name.  I would love more than anything to be able to tag him in my relationship status but I don’t want to alienate him.  I would love to introduce him to my friends but sometimes I feel like the third degree he’d get from them might be worse than an FBI probe and then off he’d go and I’d hate my friends who would unerringly say, “He wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Yes I know I’m a worst case scenario kind of person but most of you know this about me already so whatever.

I’m posting this on my blog because I still don’t feel like going back to Facebook right now.  I just don’t.  I don’t know when I will.  But right now, I need for the voice in my head (Which for better or worse is and has been for awhile now, Meredith Grey) makes some of the comments I want to post turn really nasty and I don’t want to lose any friends because my views aren’t their views which will lead to a debate of why they are right and I am wrong on Facebook, So I’m not bothering.  I’m watching my Facebook slowly degrade into a highly charged political arena with a little God thrown in every now and then.

So yeah, if you wanted to know why I’m silent lately, there’s why.  I can still be reached by messenger and text.  If I don’t respond, I may be at work or just not in the right mind frame to speak.  But I’m here, I’m living.  Don’t worry for me, I’m doing enough of that on my own.  I do love you all, I just have to figure out how to be outside of my own head and shut Meredith up.

Ta.  I’ll be around.

So... Men suck...

Can someone tell me why men think that they have the monopoly on Blue balls??  Is it because they think they're the only ones that have balls?  They aren't.  Women have balls, but ours are in the inside and we call them ovaries.   And while we're on lessons, guys, let me tell you, when you jump start those things, especially after they've been dormant for a couple of years, you really need to finish what you start.  And that's just advice from a woman.

Men have it so freaking lucky, I think.  They get all excited and they can go in the bathroom and jerk jerk jerk until they feel all fine and even with the world again.  Girls do that and we're nasty and dirty.  I have never once, outside of a really bad porn flick, seen a woman go into a bathroom and attempt to solve that problem on her own.  No, women wait until they get home and they pull out vibrators or hit the showers.  Why do you think detachable showerheads and extension shower lines sell so well?  Because women always have to finish what men start and are too much of a pussy to finish.

And God forbid, as a woman, I try to get said man to understand that it would be nice if he finish what he started.  Oh no!  Evil!!  Stay away from this one boys!!  She's gonna insist that you NOT leave her all hot and bothered and then pretend like you didn't do a damn thing wrong.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that things went the way they went or rather are going.  IS it still counted as in motion when you have stopped moving altogether?  Whatever.  I have kids and even though I knew it was coming and tried to avoid it by saying up front I didn't want one, EVERY SINGLE MALE ON THE FUCKING PLANET seems to think that if you date a woman with kids, she's going to expect you to want her kids and love them and be daddy.

NO, men.  Just NO!  In big bold capital letters NO!  Stop that!  If by chance there are any men reading this blog please listen and listen well.  If a woman outright says to you, and I QUOTE, "I am not looking for a father for my kids.  They already have one.  One that loves them.  I'm looking for someone for ME."  SHE MEANS IT!!!  She's not just saying that so that you'll walk into her trap and maybe some women might actually be classless enough to try that line and then get you hooked but a real woman, a woman who already has her battle scars from foraging into the world of men, is not going to say that stream of sentences lightly.

So men, please stop using the excuse "You have kids and I'm not sure I'm ready for that".  It's old and it's tired and it put you in a barrel with all the other no ball sac having assholes that used that same lame excuse to get out of getting to know a woman and that isn't really someplace you want to be.

You all keep claiming that divorced black women are all bitter.  Stop and take a minute and think about why you think we are.  Because we don't put up with bull shit?  Because when you throw an excuse at us, we don't just accept it and believe you?  That when you do something stupid she expects you to own up to your actions and be a man?  Because she wants you to hold her and make her feel like an actual flesh and blood woman and not a three dollar whore?

We aren't bitter.  We're battle weary. There's a difference.  A big one.  And NO, we aren't holding you responsible for what our ex's did to us... well I'm not going to speak for all women... MOST of us aren't making new men pay for past men's mistakes.  If you act the same, it's not our fault that we recognize time repeating itself and want to get off the ride.  My ex was a son of a bitch (I mean that so literally I could stitch it on a sampler)  He lied, he cheated, he belittled me, and he played so many mind games that when I finally got out of the house of mirrors long enough to breathe fresh air, I had no idea who I was.  The night we actually started our honeymoon, he was actually INSIDE ME and told me he was sorry, but he planned to cheat on me.  He'd always wanted a white girl. And he was in the navy so to him, going to different ports was giving him that opportunity.

But I'm not bitter.  Nope.  I learned my lesson.

Back to the topic at hand.

Women are not just machines that you men can just turn on and off at the flick of a switch.  Okay, maybe some women are and they kinda give women who have a little more grounding a bad name but whatever.  If you start something, please please please finish it.  If at first you don't finish (maybe because a very unwelcome visitor showed up) go back and finish when you can.  And don't make her wait long.  What will happen is that everytime she looks at her shower head, the damn thing will cry, "Rape!!  Stalker!! Stay away from me!!" or just dribble water as if it's crying because it's had enough.  If batteries are on her grocery list every time you glance at it, you're taking too long.  And no, the batteries aren't for the Wii remotes or the Xbox controllers.  They're for the little friend that she keeps hidden in a drawer so that when you pussy out, she can get some kind of relief.

Okay, I've ranted myself out.  The banshee inside my head has screamed all the obscenities she had.  I don't feel like doing anyone bodily harm out of sheer frustration anymore.  We're all good.

Seriously men, the moral of tonight's rant was basically this:  Finish what you start or don't freaking start it.  We all have blue balls but some are just a little harder to get back to normal.  And stop being pussies.  And using people's kids as excuses not to get to know a woman.  Grow up and be men.  That's all women want.  For you to be a man.  The one we were attracted to in the first place.  Just be him.  Let stuff fall into place and happen the way it's going to happen.  Stop thinking she's making you pay for shit another man did to her.  She's not.

I'm going to bed, bloggers.  I'm spent and have to be at work tomorrow at one.  I seriously think an espresso shake might actually be needed for the first time in a long time.

On the bright side I did a little retail therapy a few days ago and they go here today.  Way too big for me in retrospect but I kinda feel better...

Why

Why are men so bloddy frustrating?  Is it seriously in their DNA to make women want to wrap their hands around their necks and just squeeze until they hear a pop?

I wish I could go into more detail, I honestly wish I could but its just not going to happen today and work is going to be very frustrating until I figure out how to wrap my head around the whole frustrating male thing.

Good news is that it is a BEAUTIFUL day out today... bad news is I'm stuck inside for most of it... with said frustrating male...

Dint get me wrong... the view is awesome.

Gah!!!! I need a real scream...

I need a drink...