December 27, 2023

 SO it's been a few days since I last posted.  I didn't forget, I just wasn't interested in sitting at my computer...

Ive lost count of how any days off Facebook It's been but I still don't miss it and I'm kinda wondering if I'm even going to go back.  It just seems like a big bother.  I'm neither happier or sadder... I just am.

Now onto news.  

Christmas happened.  You know that song that goes Beas greens potatoes tomatoes etc?  Yeh, that was my house. we had:

• Baked Turkey
• Baked Chicken
• Grilled/baked ribs
• Ham
• Sweet potato pie
• apple pie
• Collard greens
• baked potatoes
• mashed potatoes
• caramel cakeYellow cake (mine)
• cornbread
• rolls

I honestly feel like I'm leaving something out but we had a lot... and very little left over.  You know how Jonny Depp keeps asking why the rums gone in POC?  That was me..... Why's the food gone?  But we had a lot of people over.  And three people got to go plates.  Auntie pat came.  It was a great night.  We had a lot of fun.  And the next day, the sky fell down.

No like.. literally.  We got over five inches of rain.  Belmont is STILL under a flood warning because their sewer system sucks.  Its been a whole day of not rain and the water in the river that separates Belmont from Charlotte that was dangerously low is touching the bottom of the damn bridge.  There's a dip in the road near Sam Wilson Road on Wilkinson and that shit was a lake.  Im not even kidding.  There's a whole ass pipe that supposed to drain all that water from this very recognized dip into like this valley but did it do its job?  Nope.  At some point it did because the road drained but I think that's because someone came and did it manually.

I feel sorry for the homeless because dude, every single place that the cops normally don't bother them was ad partially still is under water or so wet it's marshland.

I wish I was kidding.

Side note, I'm watching Frozen for like the nine hundredth time... Did no one notice that they just left Kristoff and Sven at the lake?  Like uhm... sirs... you bought a kid with you and said child was not with you when you got home.... maybe start a search...?

Anyway.  In other news, my mother was right again.  And I hate it.

So the heat has been slowly diminishing in my car for like three months.  Maybe more. At first it wasn't a big deal because I live in North Carolina.  It's like perpetually warm.  If you can get past the winter months first thing in the morning, it's pretty much hot by noon.  So yeah it was a concern but not a big one.  Then it was only hot when I was going 85 mph down the highway, and the these last two or three weeks, I have had nothing but cold air.  Not even warm enough to do Lyft, so I've been doing door dash.  At least the only person catching pneumonia in my car is me.

We're up here googling like we know what the fuck we're looking at and come up with like four things it could be.  And we figured it was the midrange price wise thing and we were prepared to get car shield and all that and put my car in for servicing.  I got hoodies and padded leggings for Christmas so that I could keep working and not catch my death of cold.  Then out of nowhere, not only do I not have heat, this fucker wants to randomly start overheating.  Not all the time and really for like two minutes every four days.  And Mommy, again OUT OF NOWHERE says, go get a ting of coolant and put in your car.  The first day, I ignored her, the next day I fobbed her off, the third time she mentioned it, I flat out lied that I went and got it and put it in.  Tonight, this damn hunk of wheels and bolts does the bing bing bing overheating song and I'm like, I'm right here at Walmart, let me get this damn coolant.

Y'all, my coolant reservoir was so damn dry that shit had COBWEBS.  I quite literally heard my car go AHHHHH when I filled the reservoir.

And then I turned the car on and do you know that raggedy piece of wheels nuts and bolts had fucking heat???  Like, I'm sitting here in padded leggings, a long sleeve shirt and an extra plush hoodie burning the fuck up because now my car wants to work like a functioning car and I'm like oh no you didn't.

SO then I had to fess up to my mom.  She's like I'm gonna beat you.

Fun fact. I don't have to outrun my mom anymore... I just have to go two feet farther than her oxygen hose and she just put the short one back on because the long one was getting tangled.  So I basically just have to get past the living room and Im home free unless she chucks that one, gets to the laundry room, and puts THAT oxygen on.  If she can do that, I'm screwed unless I can get around her and get back to the other side of the house.  I figure it, I can do that, after getting down to my end of the house and getting back to her end, she'll give up.

I'm evil.

Oh!  I almost forgot the most important part. WE GOT A PUPPY!!!!!

I was doing door dash and I got an order for the PetsMart right down from the house and I was like I really don't wanna do a dash in gastonia but it was nine bucks so I took it.  I get there and the worker lady is outside holding this whining ball of black fur with the most adorable eyes you've ever seen and I'm like can I just hold him.  She says yes but before she can actually hand him over, little man jumps out of her arms and into mine like Pikachu, I choose you! Licks ensued.  

His name is Vishous Rhage But we call him Rhage.  He's named after my two favorite Brothers from the Black Dagger Brotherhood.  Petsmart says he's a pitta lab mix but the way he howls id say he has some husky in him.  But get this.  Someone dumped him in the bushes.  That's how he came to be at petsmart. I hope they burn in hell.  This little guy is on'y about 5-6 weeks and he's as big now as Luna was when she was six months old.  He's gonna be a big dog.

HE's not even my dog.  I wanted him to be my dog but he's Livy's dog.  All the animals in the world belong to Livy.  It's fine.  It's totally fine.

Okay well, that's all my news.  And I'm tired so I'm gonna call it a night.

Night loves!!

December 17, 2023

 I didn't do jack shit today.

I mean, I did my nails and watched Wonder Woman.  Did a load of laundry then made pancakes and bacon for dinner.

Took a shit.

That literally sums up my day.

Oh! I watched the first season of the First Wives Club on Netflix.  Love me some Jill Scott.  Have since she whacked that uppity shit in the back of the head with the bottle in Why did I get married. Michelle Banteau is kinda funny too. She hosts the Circle on Netflix and she was the MC in that survival of the thickest I watched last ... well I was gonna say last week but that was like four days ago.

Shit.

The baby turns 22 in a day. 

Yes.  Yes 22 is still playing relentlessly in my head.

The middle minion is on the train. At this precise moment, she's in Greensboro NC.  112 miles away.  I briefly toyed with staying up to go get her from the train station but that'll be at three am. I love my child but I need Amtrak to do better. I took that very same train down to Charlotte from NJ 26... oh god old moment... years ago and I remember damn well that that train got in at a reasonable hour but now 26...oh god damn I feel old... years later that bitch wanna roll in like a WYD booty call at three am... DO  BETTER. AMTRAK!

I'm doing pretty good at remembering to do this every night.  

Why does Netflix pretend like that twatwaffle Meghan Markle is the reason Suits was popular??  Ugh... I can't stand her and Cuntmilla. Now watch me finally be able to move to England and be one of her loyal subjects. Snort.

My head hurts.  I'm about to fall in to bed and give my pillow some head.

Snort... like I remember how to give head.  It's been way too long.

I think I need therapy y'all.  I'm cracking up. Well not that's not true I was cracked years ago. Now I'm broken and laughing at my own bad jokes.

Snort!

Groan.  Help me

Also I think my keyboard is dying. Poop.

Okay, I'm really signing off now.  Night!

December 16, 2023

 Is this Day three of Facecrack?  I've kinda lost count.  I don't wake up and it's the first thing I check.  One person outside from the six I've told has noticed.  They texted me and asked if I'd blocked them.  I don't block anyone.  Well, that's not entirely true but you have to do a lot for me to click that button.

Had a very interesting Lyft night.

Also had my first contract violation with them but it was taken off pretty quickly.  I went to go pick up a Lyft ride in Gastonia and the older lady, her son, Daughter, and grandson get in the car.  Now, my screen says I'm picking them up taking them just outside of McAdenville and taking them home.  Before I can even question how asinine that sounds to me, the older woman says to one of the younger adults that they're going to have to wake up the grandson because he's going to miss the lights.  Big honking screeching sound in my heads.  Wait a minute.... Your stop is the McAdenville lights???  And she says yes.  With a dead ass straight face this ditzy ass white woman looks me in the eye and tells me that they've books a Lyft to go through McAdenville to see the lights.  I told her no and that I was cancelling the ride.  Now the young man, (I'm assuming was her son in law because the girl looked a bit ike her and had the same clueless why is this lady mad face as her mother.) looks like he wants to say "see, I told you this was a shitty idea."  and he starts to get back out holding the still thankfully sleeping little boy.  Mom is angry.  Why won't I take them to see the lights?

Now if it had been a Monday thru Thursday I would probably have not had as big a deal with this run but Saturday night at 7 pm, the line just to get into McAdenville is about a one to two hour wait.  Then you can't really get through it speedily because the normal 25 mph speed limit is kinda reduced to like 2 because people want to see everything.  So picking them up at 7, we might have gotten into the lights around 8 maybe 8:30 gotten through them by 8:45-9:15 and then back to the house.  So looking at a minimum of about two hours with this family in my car.

For $13.09.  Oh no, you don't need to go back and read that again.  The whole trip would have paid me $13.09.  See when you add a stop to a Lyft, I'm supposed to get there, wait up to 5 minutes and then continue on.  If this had been a normal Lyft that whole trip might have taken 20 minutes but nooooooo they want to catch a Lyft to see the lights.  Not a Lyft to get out and walk the lights and call a Lyft on the other side, not they wanted me to take them through the lights.  No. No.  Nah.  Hell no.

She called Lyft and complained.  But I beat her to the punch because the moment I drove off I was on the phone with customer service and they guy was like why did you cancel the stop was approximately five or somewhat miles from the start and destination.  While he's talking to me, her complaint comes through.  She emailed it in.  She told them I flat out refused to take them anywhere.  I don't think she gave a reason just that I refused.  So now, I'm explaining to the operator and the very best thing I can tell him is of he had google he'd understand.  But I did tell him that they didn't want an actual stop stop, she wanted her "stop" to be going through this three miles town at two freaking miles per hour.  Now I don't know if he googled it or what but he put me on hold and came back less than two minutes later and said not to worry about it, they were going to handle this and it wouldn't affect me.

Also, not sure if I mentioned it last night, but my heat is busted in my car so Mommy bought me a little dashboard heater.  It was working really well, and then it wasn't.  I thought I blew a fuse because the whole cigarette outlet is toast now.  I stopped by Auto Zone today and pulled the "Im a woman and only know that car go zoom" face and he went in and got the fuse only to show me that it wasn't blown.  So now I have a way bigger problem.  Yay.

I really need my night meds to kick in.  Toodles for the night, I'm going to lay down.

December 15, 2023

 Day 2 without Facebook.

You'd think since I preface every blog with my days off Facebook count that I care but I'm finding that I don't really care for the book of Faces.  And with that comes this odd calm of not seeing people deliriously happy and at the Christmas parties no one ever invites me to.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have a Christmas party but then I don't think I should.  I go all Donna Reed when I'm in charge of entertaining.  It's pretty for you, but so not pretty for me.  For me, it involves a lot of very spastic movements.  Maybe a lot of yelling and a few tears... 

I went lifting today.  I like Lyfting way more than Dashing.  I don't have to do anything except drive.  True I get the odd stinky person but that's why they make glade air freshener oil.  I just have to remember that one pump will do it.  Two is pushing it and three I have to put down all the windows.  I will not be lifting at Christmas though.  Oh hell no.  I did that at Thanksgiving and oh my lord the airport was a nightmare straight out of M Night Shamalan. People were actually getting out of cabs and walking to the entrance.  If they'd have staying in the cabs a lot of traffic might have been managed but then Charlotte drivers don't know how to queue correctly.  They never have.  

I am going to DD around Christmas and probably Christmas Eve because they have been giving super huge tips and I just ordered my Catering bag so hopefully I'll get orders that make the bending and lifting and climbing of stairs worth it again.  I probably never should have ventured into Lyft.  I would never know how much more I like it.  But I guess that's life.  Always finding new ways to live it.

Had a ride all the way from Albermarle road up by Lawyers road all the way to Stanley today.  An hour and a half in the car with this guy that was a tire mechanic and smelled like it.  Not a bad smell, per se just not a smell I would volunteer to smell for that long.

I don't really have much to say tonight.  I'm actually rather tired.  Ive already turned on the heated blanket that keeps my bed nice and sweltering.   It should be toasty hot by now.

So goodnight.  Sleep tight!

Day 1 without Facebook.

 Well blogland, I deactivated my Facebook last night.

Admittedly I did it in the midst of the beginning of my seasonal breakdown and I was crying and as I always do, I just wanted to run away.  I think deactivating Facebook is the adult version of running away.

The problem is, Facebook or rather, Meta owns so damn much that it's next to impossible to log into stuff once you shut down your account.  Like every turn leads to reactivating the bitch so you can't really run away.

I get sucked into this black hole every yearend I'm never able to fully pull myself to the edge until after the Valentines Candy is sold out and all the lovely doves shit is over.

For the 16th yearn a row, when the clock strikes midnight into the new year I will be alone.  Nearly everyone I now will have someone to kiss and I will not.  For God knows how many years in a row, I will have no-one that thinks of me on Valentines day.  No one to send me a card or kiss my cheek and tell me they love me.  

Because no one loves me.

I have to sit here in my room every night and watch people meet that special someone, brag about how happy they are, post pictures of them together, get engaged and eventually married and they play all this out on  Facebook for everyone to see and then either don't get that some of their friends look at that stuff (because we can't avoid it) and want to go cop squat in traffic. It's not that I don't want them to be happy.  I really love that they're happy.  Just want to be that happy.  Just once in my life.  

I was married but I was never happy.  Randy didn't want to be married and he made me feel every bit of his anger at being married.  Every single day.  I was never happy in my marriage and neither was he.  Th difference is that he went out and he found Gabi and they are happy. He's finally happy and I'm still sitting here in the fall out shelter that's become my life.

Do you know that I haven't been invited to a holiday party in years.  Every year I see people post pictures of their parties and I might lie them or comment that it looks like they had fun and they inevitably come back and say "You should come next year!"  I would freaking love to come but I only find out you had a party the day after.   Stop telling me I should come next year if you never tell me when the fucking party is!  That just tells me that you don't want me there in the first fucking place.  I have never once been invited to a Halloween party, a Friendsgiving, or a Christmas party. Not even a New Years party.

I'm 44 years old and I have never once been see to a holiday party. Not even a 4th of July party.  I had a birthday party thrown for me once but it wasn't really a party for me.  I mean only two people talked to me the whole night.  At my party.  That felt great.

I finished Survival of the Thickest on Netflix yesterday.Good show but it made me realize that I'm simply not fat enough.  You can have love if you are a twig. And you can find love if you are big as a Macy's day parade float. But if you are only mildly big, you don't get love.  You get backaches and headaches and wanting to crawl into traffic on a major highway blindfolded.

And don't try to lose the weight  so you can be a skinny mini because being big and beautiful is so in right now.  It's hot.  For years we lived with the barbie thin models and now, the big girls are taking over. But not the little big girl, just the big big girls.  They're the only ones that are beautiful enough to be happy in their skin.

I swear if I were more religious, I would join a silent convent.  Never speak to anyone ever again.  Won't have to worry about parties.  Won't care about being left out.

What a crock.

Sixteen years I've been feeling like this.  My marriage sucked warm donkey balls in the desert sun but I would have rather been miserable WITH a husband than miserable knowing I failed at marriage.  Just like my parents.

I thin that's what it comes down to honestly.  All my life I've wanted to be someones loving wife.  I'm not lying when I tell you that I really had no other when I grow up goals besides being married and growing old with him.  No princess, not anything remotely feasible.  I only ever wanted to be the someone that he came home to night. I only really ever wanted to be the someone that kissed him as he left for work and kept the house.

Which is odd because I kinda suck at housekeeping.  Well not not really I don't, I just have no one that I will ever bring back to mine so why clean it up.

When I think of all the boys I had crushes on in my life I feel like I didn't even know who the girl that liked them was.  And some of those guys are just straight assholes.

Like Ben Brody. That little fuckface with the gimpy thumb.  I was in love with him his senior year and he ignored the ever loving fuck out of me.  I saw him after I was grown and married.  Randy and I were at Atlantic City and I introduced him and do you know that that that maggoty fat fuck had the nerve to look at Randy with pity like "Oh man you married her? I feel for you man."  I had a crush on Chuck Egan.  He like some skinny brunette.  BE he's still good peeps.  There was Jason Ambrose.  No idea where he is now.  Don't really care.  Jason Sadwidth.  I think that was his name.  I know it was Jason.  I really liked him but I was just the goofy friend to him.  The girl with the Swiss rolls that would always share.

Don't boys know that if a chubby black girl shares her Swiss rolls with you, that means she pretty much loves you? I mean come on, we don't come up off of chocolate for just anyone??  Liked a guy named Mered Parnes.  Also Santo Perrotto.  They can both rot in a hell of my choosing. Both of them.  Both of them took big strides to embarrass me to show me just how revolting I was to them.

And then there was the great Donald.  He knew I liked him.  HE even threw me a bone and we slept together but I had a mini mental breakdown because things in my life were going just a lot haywire and he dropped me so damn fast I got whiplash.  It's taken me years say outloud that I dislike him.  I haven't gotten past dislike. Im stuck there.  But I dislike Donald because he used me and let me hang there like stinking rag just waiting for him to have time for me again.

I need to go to bed.  It's a quarter after one... 

And I'm all alone and I need you now.

Sorry my subconscious would have sung that song all night in my dream if I hadn't finished it.

Blog you later.

Living with it.

So about a week ago, i went to see a new doctor who leaked, I guess is the word the information that I had tested positive for Lupus in the blood work that my last doctor ordered.  She tried to make it sound like something I should have already known or at the very least something he should have told me himself but when she realized that no one had imparted that information to me she tried a different route by saying that a lot of women test positive but don't actually have it.  That route didn't work as well because the more she looked me over, the more she was convinced that I would not be one of the millions of women with a false positive.  I have way too many of the symptoms.

I have Fatigue that i can't seem to shake some days.  Even if I get eight full hours of uninterrupted sleep I can still feel like my butt is dragging.  Mostly I hide this with coffee and then use the slight caffeine high to look productive but the days when I don't even feel the caffeine, it is unbelievably hard to fake it.  Those are generally the days where I get in trouble because I don't have the energy to keep the things in my head from daytripping out of my mouth...

Joint Pain.  I can call it arthritis all I want.  I can cling to the actual fact that no one is too young to have it but the pain and weakness in my left shoulder that some days prevents me from doing my job or at the very least makes it so hard I want to cry... yeah.  They did an xray.  Inflamed joint not arthritis.

Headaches.  I get them so bad that well... I blank out.  I know someone out there has had a migraine so bad that they feel like if they could just crawl out of your body you'd be fine.  I can tell you first hand, wanting that and experiencing that are two way different things and if you'd ever experienced that, you'd never wish for it again.  It generally comes with a whole body shudder and suddenly for just a moment, the pain is totally gone and you feel like you're floating but not in a good way.  Floating like you're about to fall and hit the ground.  And then you go slamming right back into your body. But here's the kicker... what felt like a few seconds can actually be a good stretch of time.  Livy found me just staring at the wall once.  She said I sat like that perfectly still for ten minutes at least never moved, she said I didn't even blink.  then all of the sudden I shuddered and I blinked and I was back.  I have absolutely no memory of this.

Tonight, I took a good long look in the mirror.  Just to the left of my left eye my skin is turning darker... In the shape of what looks like a crudely drawn butterfly.  Combined with my bright red birthmark it's not exactly pretty.

I'm supposed to call her if I saw this.

The first thing I did when I get home that first night was to google if Lupus could be transmitted sexually.  Thankfully it cannot.  Please don't think I'm saying I think I got this through sex.  That was never my thought.  My thought was could I give it.  Every single source I could find assured me that I cannot give it to him.

But every single souce I can find says that this is going to get bad.  I'm going to have good days, I'm going to have bad days and I'm going to have really shitty beyond words days.  Now that I've finally found someone that I can see a future with can I do that to him?

It's not that I don't think he'd stick around.  Something tells me he would.  But do I want him to see me like that?  Days when I feel like he deserves someone that's not looking at being sick.  Days when I can't even get out of bed because it hurts too much.

Can I do that to him?  I don't think I can.

Part of me wants to just say "Run!  Run far! Run Fast!  Run and remember me the way I am right this moment.  Remember me before you got to see me on days when I can't stay awake for shit.  Run and remember me before you saw me have to crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom because my feet were so swollen and hurting that walking was a wishful dream.(yeah that's happened a few times)  Remember only those times I couldn't walk right because you made my legs like jelly."

And yet Part of me hope he'll stay and hold me and tell me he's not going anywhere.  That those days I can't stay awake, he'll lay beside me.  Those days when pretty much all I can do is lie there with a book, he'll sit or lay there and let me prop the book up on his leg while he plays a video game or watches a movie.

I promised myself that Friday before last was the only day I was going to allow myself to wallow.  If I gonna have to live with this then dammit I'm going to live.  They say God gives you no more than you can carry.  So I guess He has decided I can carry this.

I will not wallow.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will not be upset if I have to do this alone (Total lie by the way but it sounds good)
I will not cry. (Still lying)
I will not WebMd myself into apoplexy thinking this is going to kill me in the next 24 hours. (again total lie)

Most of all, I will never say Fuck my life.  Because aside from  what is fast becoming something I can't ignore, my life is golden right now.  Good job.  Good man.  Awesome sex life.  Did I say good man?  Children who are about to leave the nest.  Really. Awesome. Guy.  Friends that I love.

I'm just gonna sigh.  And go to bed.  Because it's two freaking AM and I should have been sleep hours ago.  Damn Netflix...

Goodnight.

So about now...

Is when I post the usual "I hate Valentine's day" post.  Or I go all over Facebook saying how I hate the toddler with the smelly diaper and the sharp stick...

But this year, I'm not going to do that.

I'm just simply... not.

I don't actually hate valentine's Day.  I never have.  In reality, I kinda like the day.  I mean it's a day dedicated to love and I am a hopeless (Key word: HOPELESS) romantic. how can someone who loves romance NOT love Valentines Day??

No, what I don't love is watching all of my friends who have partners amp up the love and PDA five million times.

I mean seriously, I look uncomfortable and nod absently when you guys tell me ALL ABOUT your love issues, now I'm supposed to sit and watch you make out.  Nope, I'll pass.  Love you bunches, but... I'll pass.

But it's whatever.  This year there are two movies that I want to see and I'm going to see them.  Not on Valentines day because Valentines Day is a Saturday.  I will be a captive of Sports Connection from like eleven AM on.  YEs, I know who I work for.  No I did not change jobs.  My job is the whipping boy of a little gym called Sports Connection every single Saturday.  We bend over and they whip away.

But We love it.

That sounded way less dirty in my head.

Who am I kidding, no it didn't.  LOL.

Anyway...

I want to see the 50 Shades of Grey Movie and I want to see Kingsmen.  Both come out the day before Valentine's Day and both will hopefully be there the following Monday.

I don't really have a reason for why I am not going to hate on Valentine's Day this year.  There's no man in my life.  (If you remember, I kinda screwed the pooch on that one a few months ago and even if I hadn't he's no longer apart of the work scene and I have the feeling that even if we were still anything to each other he wouldn't have given a shit to my feelings when he left.  I'm pretty sure that his quitting would have been our break up since he assumed I hated him as much as anyone else and never said a word to me when he left.) There's no romance there whatsoever.  BUT I do have good friends, a good job that I enjoy almost more than writing, and my kids are happy and healthy.

So why be down?  Because I'm not getting laid?

Please... sex isn't everything.

It's nice, don't get me wrong but I've reached a point where it, or rather lack of it, isn't going to break me.  I'm perfectly fine with or without it because I am perfectly fine with myself.

Also, I have stopped getting a million different colors in my hair.  I am down to black, grey and silver.  That's right, I'm rocking grey hair and loving it.  I mean, you tell me, how do I look?  (And yes, that is a webcam snapshot so this is what I look like as I type this.  I know, I'm a hottie dot com.  I did not just say that... Also, no cracks about how I need to clean off my bed. I know it's messy)

So it's late and I have to be up for work tomorrow because it seems I am a morning person.  Hehe, I'm not.  Far from it.  My boss thinks I am and I play the role fairly well as long as there is caffeine nearby. Although I'm not sure who the caffeine helps more.. Me or the people around me....

Yawn!  Tomorrow is truck day and my shift leader has promised me that for the first time in a  year... I will be helping to put stuff away.  The fact that I moaned and said "But I'm a girl..." didn't help plead my case that I really don't want to lift anything.  So I will be taking my tramadol to work tomorrow.  Pray for me, this may be the last time that I walk upright for a few days... LOL.

OKay, stay frosty, chickies!!

I love you.  I always have, I always will.  Just make sure you love yourself and life will be okay!

Night!

Checking in before bed...

Really that's all I am going to do.

Because if I blog about the poison that's actually in my head right now, it WILL bite me in the ass and right now that's not what I want biting my ass right now.

It was an okay at day at work today.  Correction.  Until maybe five this afternoon, it was an awesome day.  Between five and seven it was a decent day and after seven, aside from the fact that I got to leave early, the day probably couldn't have gone any worse.  As a matter of fact, I am pretty certain that there will be some talking done about me that I may have to take a minor ass biting lecture about.

Correction.  Another ass biting lecture.

I love my job.  There is rarely a but that follows that short sentence but there is ever more and increasing presence of said word nowadays.

I really do love my job.  But it's getting harder and harder to work around one person.  On good days, around that person, I'm fine.  I fool myself into thinking that one day we might reach a level of normalcy that befits, you know actual sane humans.  Then on bad days the person makes me alternately want to burst into tears or have to mentally check myself before I wreck myself.  Most recently, I've started to realize that the normalcy I want so badly has arrived but in the form of that person being free to say whatever they want to me in the tone that suggests I take a long walk off a short pier, but all I can do is nod and say "okay".

And yes, that is all I can do because if the word vomit that keeps pressing against my lips ever makes it out of my mouth I will be in big trouble.  No, let me give that the weight it deserves... BIG TROUBLE.

The holidays are coming up.  I need my job.  Maybe after the new year, if things aren't any better I will finally give up working with people I have come to love like family and seek employment elsewhere.

But first, I will start paper blogging the word vomit.  Like I said, if the word vomit sees daylight, it's going to bite me in the ass.

Odd thought... Maybe I am starting menopause.  Maybe that's an explanation for the swirling mass of stupid emotions I have become.  WOuld taking hormones and all the stuff a person in menopause has to take help me go back to being on even keel with the world?

Hmmm....

For now, I'm going to keep my mouth shut.  And I mean that literally.  I am going to keep my mouth shut and not say a word to the person making my life a living hell.  Not one word, ever.  And I will snap a rubber band on my wrist every time the word vomit presses against my lips.

Now watch that get me in trouble....

FML...FML very much right now.  I am so fucked.

good night bloggers.  Stay frosty.

I honestly think I'm about to have one of those breaks that causes severe turmoil.

I usually can see them coming and usually something happens between them arriving and me seeing them that helps me derail them but I don't see any side roads that a possible help venue might interceede.  All I see is straight road and my nervous breakdown coming full speed.

So for a week now, I have been texting and calling my ex to find out when he's going to bring the kids back.  I get sent to voicemail and my texts and voicemails are going unanswered.  LIke he is full on ignoring me at the moment.

On top of that, my mom has been asking me for two weeks when the kids are coming home and Sunday when she asked I was in a rush, I was running late to work, and I was tired so what came out of my mouth was probably something that should have stayed in my head. "I don't know, mom, that's a question you should be asking Randy, not me."  Then she made a comment about school supplies and again, something that was much safer wandering around in my head found the mouth door and I said "I'm not a total disgrace of a mom, I got school supplies."  As if that shit cake doesn't have enough layers then she laid in about the uniforms again.  For the five hundred and ninety seventh time I told her, Olivia will wear the green shirts that Kayla wore two years ago and that Jovaughn wore two years before that.  What iI got again was, "Olivia is not going to want to wear that." and "She always gets hand me downs."

First of all, I may sound like a horrible parent here but I don't honestly give a good goddamn what Olivia wants to wear.  It's a school uniform for Chrissake. Yes, I know they will be big on her but right now she will either wear them or wear them.  These are her only two options until I can get to a store to buy her more.  As for her always getting hand me downs.  She's the last child in a set of three.  This is her lot in life as it is for all youngest children.  At some point in their lives more than half of their clothing was worn by someone else. and considering I have to buy a new fucking color every school year because Ranson Middle would rather color code their students than learn them damn names I don't see why I should break my already cracked and leaking bank on brand new shirts that will have nobody to wear them after this school year is over.  So forgive me if I don't give a crap what she wants to wear.

So last night, I came home and for the second day in a row my house smelled like someone took a massive shit and didn't flush and I was determined to find the smell this time.  My nose led me to the garage where I discovered that when I went in the chest freezer on the 11th to give my mom food because she had none, I didn't close the lid.  Yesterday was the 18th.  For a solid week now, the freezer has been open.  Over $100 in food has been molding and rotting for a week.  This was the smell.  So I closed the lid, taped the bitch shut and aired the garage.  Since it's a chest freezer that was third hand when I got it, and this was my fault and my fault only, I chalked it up to a simple careless mistake perpetrated by Dammit Dette and went to look up new chest freezers online.  I was totally not worried about it of the loss of food that had probably been frozen well past it's sell by date anyway.  Why cry over spilt milk, you know?

I still hadn't drained the bullshit tolerance pool when I talked to my mom again last night.  I probably should have.  It has gotten to where if I don't call her, she posts it on my facebook for EVERYONE to see usually in the form of "Where are you? Why haven't you called me?" Gee thanks for making everyone on Facebook think I never call my mom.  I speak to you once or twice A DAY forgive me if that once or twice wasn't on your time.  I have a job now I can't use my phone at work and I try not to use it driving and these days, I'm kinda doing one, either, or both at the same time.  When I get home I usually have enough thought in my head to lock the door and set the alarm before I pass out in my bed.

But I digress... Like I was saying, I didn't drain the bullshit tolerance pool before I called her last night and she informed me that she had called Randy and surprise surprise he picked up the phone for her.  And they had a very lengthy conversation.  He even told her that he was planning to bring the kids back on Saturday.  I work on Saturday from one to ten.  He either needs to be here before twelve or after ten.  But he doesn't call me and hasn't called me so he doesn't know this.  My mother then suggested in that "i know how to run your life better than you do because you're acting like a toddler" voice that maybe I should call him and let him know my hours.

Yeah cause calling and texting him has been working so well for me for the past week.

Again, I should have drained the bullshit tolerance pool because thing that should stay in my head began to come out of my mouth like telling her that she comes off as trying to run my life at times and that at times, she acts like I'm still a child.  This got me a lecture on being an adult.  Because I won't call Randy and volunteer my schedule. He purposefully sends me to voicemail because I "Cause drama and he ignores people who cause drama" (This is what he actually told my mother)  I called bull shit on that and the flag was thrown in my face.  Some more yelling was screamed and then she said "I'm not telling you that you are acting like a child but you are acting like an asshole.  Goodnight." and BOOM.  she hung up on me.  Whoever said that you can't tell when someone slams the phone down because all cordless phones have an END button was very very wrong.  I could feel her punch that end button like she was slapping me in the face, which she probably wanted to at that moment.

Am I wrong?  Why do I have to be the adult here?  And is it really being childish if I don't feel like calling him again to tell him that I won't be here Saturday when he hasn't even bothered to even send a text and tell me he's going to be here?  I mean for fucks sake he told my mom because his balls aren't big enough to call me.  Or text me.  Hell he could even email it to me.  But I'm not being adult?

Man fuck this.  I'm done.  Like I said, I don't see a detour between my oncoming nervous breakdown and now.  So those of you that know me in real life.  If you see my pulling away from you, this is your warning.  I can't handle anything more right now.  And I would rather no one else get hurt in the atomic blast that's about to make landfall.

I want a cigarette right now.  I kinda need one.  My e-cig isn't doing jack shit.

I have to go to work.  I have to pretend to be normal because I need my job.

Tonight is going to so hard I don't think I'm going to make it through it.  Stay tuned, bloggers.  This may actually be the night I get fired from my dream job.

Ugh...

So I did the silent thing at work tonight.  IT wasn't totally on purpose, but it kinda was.  I get random migraines and when I do I have an EXTREMELY short fuse.  So short that you could tell me that the sky is blue and I will get pissed at you for telling me something that I not only already know but something that I could look up and discover for myself and then I'll get pissy because you don't think I can look up and see it which will lead to me getting pissy because you think I'm an idiot and the list is so freaking endless that it makes my head hurt worse to see if there is actually an end to said list.

So I keep silent.  Because I have anger issues.  And I have word vomit when the head hurts.  And the guard at the censorship gate just walks away.  So things and true feelings could come pouring out of my mouth that will make you hate me.  So I don't talk.  It's better to have friends and coworkers who will still work with you at the end of the day than to alienate them from the get go and be assed out.

Also, I need a shirt that says "Stop freaking asking me if I'm okay!"  Dammit if you see that I'm quiet and not smiling and you ask me once , that's okay.  If I say "i'm fine" that's generally code for no but I don't want to talk.  So drop it, please???  Just let me sort myself out.  It'll happen.  May not happen on your timetable but then.... I'm so not going to finish that.  Sometimes I can catch the word vomit.  Sometimes.

So I keep having a very weird dream.  I keep dreaming that I ask for a transfer to the University store and the GM, Jordan, and I fight like literal cartoon cats and dogs.  Every day all day.  But he won't or can't fire me.  I know why I ask for the transfer.  It's to avoid seeing someone that it's becoming increasingly hard to actually be around.

But I don't ever actually see me asking for a transfer to that store.  Never no way, no how, not going to happen.  I would rather quit first that go work there.  They are FOREVER running out of things and coming to our store to re up.  Like excuse me... No!  Just no.  Stop using so much and effing learn how to order the appropriate amount of shit on your own truck and stop mooching off of us!!  I can see needing stuff on Wednesday night right before truck... cause everyone runs out every now and again, usually RIGHT before payday/restocking.  That's just a way of life.  But to need supplies on truck day?!?!?  Are you serious?  No.  It's kinda good that I'm not a shift leader at work because honestly, I would look at the caller ID and just answer the phone with "No, dude.  No."  Or I'd pretend to go look for the stuff they ask for and come back and say "Sorry man, we can't spare it."  Or maybe the much nicer "Yeah sure you can have it but I want it back AS SOON as your truck comes in.  Like I'm going to send my driver up to your store to pick it up at ten A.M.  Yes I know, but I'll ask them to come in early just so they can come pick it up.  Oh?  You don't need it?  You can wait?  That's cool!  Bye!!"

I'm a bitch.  A pure unadulterated bitch.  I admit that... from time to time... I didn't say that.  I did not just say that.  Yes I did.  But I bet that fucker would start to use his supplies more wisely.

So it was brought up to me last night, why do I like the guy that I currently like.  My answer was hands, eyes, and voice.  While that's true, that's not totally true.  It's part of what keeps me attracted but there's something pulling me.  The first time I was in Howies and got to meet everyone, Joe says, "And this is XXXXXXX" I turned around and the air was sucked out of the room.  I don't know any other way to describe it but the air was sucked out of the room and in my mind bells started ringing.  I seriously doubt if he felt that way.  But I did.  I missed part of an important conversation for those damn bells.  When he shook my hand I felt like I never wanted to wash that sumbish again. (I did... several times.  I wash my hands maybe 90 times at work on an average week.)  And his eyes.  They're this blue grey that sees right into you and when he smiles they light up like fireworks.  The good silent but very bright ones.  His hands... oh... don't get me started on his hands.  They're actually bigger than my own which is really hard to find in guys because I got my father's hands.  They are large and more times than not fit a mans glove.  His fingers are skinnier than mine but his hands are bigger and Lord have mercy does he know what to do with them! I didn't say that.  I did not say that!....  He can lift me into the air and he doesn't have to strain or use a forklift.  No guy in my life has ever been able to.  And Heaven help me, he thinks I'm short.  My forehead is at his mouth.  As for his voice.  God I could sit and listen to him talk for hours.  Have.  His voice is so seductive.  Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'm just really really horney but then I walk into the kitchens and he's there and it's not my lower half that jumps for joy... it's my mind and my chest.  My lower half is all like "Yay, he's he's here... cool."  My head and my chest ae meanwhile doing jumping jacks and somersaults and high school cheers complete with pom poms. "2-4-6-8!  Who do we appreciate?? XXXXXXX! XXXXXXX! he's our guy! Yaaaaay!" And no it doesn't get annoying because only I can hear it and I have a very good poker face.

I suck crap at poker but I have a very good poker face.

Speaking of card games, does anyone in this damn town play gin?  I can't find a decent gin game to save my life.  I know where I can find a spades game but that requires me to hang out with the guys from work which isn't actually a problem but I'm not the best at spades and haven't played in a few years.  I don't play poker because I played strip once and lost.  Lost badly.  I'm pretty sure that the deck was somehow rigged so that I would loose badly but still.  Being the naked one in a room full of guys.... not so awesome.  Not always.  So no, Dette will not play poker.

I have Cher Lloyd's Swagger Jagger going through my head right now.  I just took my melatonin so maybe that will put her to sleep.  I doubt it.  The migraine meds which are thankfully working, combined with the night meds will probably have her singing the ish in the University store while Jordan and I are duking it out.

I really need to get to the bottom of my issue with him.  It cannot seriously be simply because he has no idea how to order a truck and make it last for a freaking week.  It can't be.  It just can't.  There's something else there and I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

Okay, I'm kinda babbling right now.  I recognize that, so I'm going to go and let my night meds kick in.  Tomorrow I have to try and fix my garbage disposal because it's jammed on something.... again and there's a piece of rancid chicken in there somewhere.  There has to be.  There can be no other explanation for why my kitchen and subsequently most of my house smells like a five day old chicken left in the sun.  This is going to be fun... Did you see the head twist that came with that last bit of sarcasm?  No?  It was there.  Trust me.

So I'm going to go and curl up under my blankets because it's cold in my house.  like a stupo, I left the AC on and set to like 68 degrees so my house is freaking antarctica right now.  And all I want is ice cream.

Oh two things.  Tonight I went to Chick fil a for some french fries and the woman at the window had candy stuck all over her shirt and in her hair.  She looked so damn much like Vaneelope From Wreck it Ralph (I actually called her Penelope pitstop.  Totally different character)  So I asked her Why she was dressed like Penelope Pitstop (Again I got the name wrong but...)  and she got so freaking excited and told me I was getting a free chicken tender meal because she had been dressed like that all day and while customers had asked why she had candy stuck to her they had never named her character.  The Davis Lake Chick fil A was showing Wreck it Ralph tonight and she was dressed as Vanellope.  I won free food.  Yay.  I used my chicken tender in a soft taco from taco Bell.  So I had Chick fil a chicken on top of taco bell beef and all wrapped up.  Yes it was good. No, I'm not pregnant.  you have to actually have sex for that to happen.

The second thing was that I had a golden night at work tonight... you know aside from the migraine and not talking thing... Not one customer stiffed me on tips.  One even gave me an $8 tip and one wanted to round her credit card out to $30 so I got 6.30.  Yaya for awesome customers!  Worked five to eleven and made $50+ dollars.  So yeah... tonight's customers were awesome sauce!

Yawn!  Going to hit the hay.  Stay Frosty bloggers!

Oh and can someone PLEASE tell me who is +1ing my posts via Google+?  Every single freaking post is +1'ed and I have no clue who it is so I can't thank them!!  Frustrating not to be able to say thank you sometimes.

Thank you!  Whoever you are!!

Goodnight... or rather morning... since I blogged myself into Saturday morning!

Ta!

Car care and the Noob... Among other things...

So I'm a noob at some things, I admit that free and clear but I know that most things simply require a little common sense.  If it leaks, make it stop leaking.  If it steams or smells like it;s burning, cool it down.

My grandfather had this saying that I'm pretty sure a million old people say all the time. "If it moves and shouldn't; use duct tape.  If it should move and doesn't; Wd-40."  You have no idea how much those words have helped me in the last few years of my life.  I mean I'm pretty sure that he didn't mean duct tape something so that you couldn't tell what you were fixing nor do I think he meant drown it in a can of lubricant and let it marinate but then sometime you have to go a little apeshit on stuff like that.  Or at least I do.  I'm like that.

My window washer fluid drips.  No, not drips... drains.  In the past week I have been through two huge bottles of washer fluid and I finally figured out where the leak is coming from.  Yay me!  I just have to wait for the little bit I put in to find the leak to drain so I can plug that hole and go about my business.

And while I was at it, I got tired of eyeing the clear/orangeish bottle that had the thermometer picture on it.  For days now, I have been looking at it and wondering why it looked empty.  I mentioned it to someone but they said, no it was full.  It was orange slash red.  I wasn't convinced so today, I opened that bad boy up and stuck my finger in.  Dry as a bone.  No wonder my baby smelled like she was burning up everytime I drove!!  She was.  She was gasping for a bit of coolness and I was denying her!  I mean I noticed that she went from cold to middle of the gauge rather quickly for an old car, but I stupidly (For a week) figured that if it didn't go past that little boat, I was good.  So this morning, I hit the internet (God bless whoever created the internet) and found out what anitfreeze/coolant I could put in.  Thankfully that was an easy fix.  Hopefully the burning smell will go away as my baby isn't thirsty.  I got her a gas treatment as a lollipop.  Maybe she'll forgive me.  I hope she will.  I only wish I had the lifts to drive her up on so I could see under her.

I don't want to be that girl that doesn't know anything about cars.  That got me in trouble the first time.  I saw the check engine light and I said something but no one took me seriously.  I convinced myself that I didn't know what the hell I was thinking I knew and I let it go.  The result was me stranded on the side of the highway watching as my stationwagon turned into a hatchback Yugo.  That was not fun and I told myself, never EVER again.  And I'm going to hold myself to that.  If I have to bug every mechanic I can find, I will know about my baby.  All her knocks and purrs will be a language that I will understand.

More importantly, I am going to start urging my children to learn about cars.  Someone asked me about my engine the other day and I said Shiny.  I don't want to pass that to my kids.

I'll admit, having a car is like having another child.  It's a lot of work and if you don't treat it right it will have a temper tantrum and leave you looking stupid.

But enough about my car.

Did I ever mention that I love my friends?  I really do.  Just when I've worked myself up into a dizzying frenzy over what most possibly is nothing, they come in and they prove to me that it was just that... Nothing.

Lately, and for no reason that I can ascertain, I have been having very... weird dreams.  Well not weird.  Sexual.  I guess they would be the female version of a man's wet dream?  I don't know.  I know that they have been increasingly alarming me because in them, I am doing/getting my favorite sexual act-- Cunnungulis. (I don't much like the act of sex.  It really seems like a lot of grunting, groaning and putting square pegs in round holes and such.  I probably should talk to someone medical about it, but I'm pretty sure that it stems from my rape in college.  It wasn't my first sexual experience but it was the first where I was fully cognizant of what was going on. It's just since then, I find that if I can everything... over with by the time it reaches that point, I'm much happier. Several friends tell me that just because I haven't had the right experience but not even I know how to define the right experience so...) Anyway... in the dreams, I am being--- for lack of a better word--- eaten out and everything is good until  I look down in my dream and *SHOCK* it's my ex husband.

Really truly freaking out with no hope of coming back down to Earth now right?  How can I tell someone this and they not think I still have feelings for him??  I don't have feelings for him.  Yes he was my husband but he was really more like a roommate with benefits.  It sounds cold but there was never love between us, just good sex. (Or what I think was good sex. I don't really have much to compare him to...)

So I mentioned it to my best friend and she very calmly and concisely brought me back to the ground where I need to be.  She explained that I'm in a drought so to speak and seeing my ex in my dreams is my body remembering a time when at least the physical part of me was happy.  Case closed.  It didn't mean that subconsciously I was showing feelings for my ex despite what more than a couple of people around me have said.  So I'm not freaked out now.  It's all good.  I love my friends.  If I'm a mylar balloon that floating way up high and dangerously close to popping in thin air, they are the counterweights that pull me back down to a safe flying height every time.

In other news, I was wrong when I assumed that the audiobook contract that I was sent was a mistake in whole and not meant to be sent to me.  They mean for me to be in audiobook as well as print the name of the cook was just wrong on the contract, but seeing as how it's in MS Word format, that was just a backspace and retype move I could do.  NOw I just have to sign then, get them notarized and we're all good.  I hope we are able to get started soon.  I'm really excited.  I hope people want to buy my book.

Okay, so I need to get up and get out of here.  Things to do, people to see.  I want to go to the movies.  There's a couple out there that I'd like to see.  I also need to work on that whole going to the movies alone phobia.  I always think people are looking at me thinking that I couldn't get a date or a friend to come along with me.  Stupid I know but that's me. Even when I look like I don't care what people might think about me, I do and I exaggerate... a lot.  I always do. LOL.  It's fun being me.

But not really.  Not all the time.

But when I bounce back it's awesome being me!

God I am so bipolar sometimes!

Ciao bloggies!! Stay frosty!!

This is getting really tiring...

I don't know.  Maybe I need to get laid and then I will stop being overly emotional.  Maybe if I release whatever it is that released when you get some, I will regain my ability to be a level headed person again.

I want to scream one thousand cusses right now into the wind and not stop until I have no breath left in my body.  Why must men be so damned infuriating?  They are forever complaining that they don't understand women but the truth is, we're not the hard ones to figure out.  Men are WAY more complex than women are.

I want so bad for this not to be another blog about how my ex is pissing me off.  There's about a hundred of those running through my mind right now and I need to deal with that.  There's a lot of crap running around my brain right now but I can't put it here because like shitting in the wind, it'll come back and land right in my face. I know it will.

I'm sitting here fighting off tears because life is so hard right now.  There are so many demand on my time and not very many of them are mine.  This past Saturday was probably the most fun I have had in months because I got to do something for me.  It'll be a cold day in Neverland before that happens again.

I had two things that I wanted to do this month.  Just two.  I wanted to go see Thor and I wanted to go see The hunger Games.  I've missed my chance with Thor.  And I can already tell I'm not going to get to see the Hunger Games.  At least not on opening day.  I did get Saturday and I had hella fun but think about it.  I had two small things that I wanted to do for me this month and they have to go out of the window in favor of someone else's plans.

I got some disheartening news yesterday about something that's had me questioning a few things.  One of them being should I have ever left New Jersey.  Sometimes I'm not so sure.  My son doesn't love me enough to pretend I exist unless it's a blue moon.  So that's the same as when I was there.  My love life is about the same.  No one gave a damn about me in the dating circle in NJ and No one give a damn about me here.  My friends still love me no matter where I go so there's that.

Sigh... I'm just so tired of being treated like everyone doormat.  So tired of being treated like I don't matter unless I'm needed.  So tired... So freaking tired.

I'm turning into a used up, dried up old prune and no one seems to care.  I'm screaming out for just a little relief and everyone is so busy with what they need from me or want from me or can get from me that no one hears me.

I'm 34 years old and I feel like I'm 50+.  I can honestly see why no man wants me.  What man my age wants someone who is so old in the inside?

I can't have any more kids.  At least not naturally and sometimes I'm not sure if I want to do it again at this stage in the game.  Five years ago when I was still 29 maybe.  I have 6 years, one month and two days until my youngest is 18.  I have hit the home stretch and everyone says I'm going to have empty nest syndrome like crazy but I don't think I will.  In six years, one month and two days from today's date this will be absolutely nothing holding me to this spot and... and... and...

I'm still going to be sitting right here being the good girl, making no waves, making no loud noises, hoping that someone will come along and notice me.  Sitting here in my polished shoes, and pretty white pinafore dress with my hair done up really nicely, wearing a big smile.  That'll be me.

Oh, my dad is in the hospital again.  Not good.

We may not have always gotten along, but god, I don't want to lose my Daddy.  I'm not ready to lose my Daddy...

...

So... Sunday... Kind of a ramble... If you can keep up, you're better than I thought...

It's Sunday and you know what?  I don't have too much to blog about today.  Went to bed last night with a headache the size of Montana and woke up this morning to find it had stretched it's way from the top of my head to the base of my spine.  Not a fun morning.  I actually shed a tear when my almost thirteen year old, looking me in the eye, daughter came barreling down the stairs and gave me her usual "i'm going to knock you down pretending I'm a still a toddler that can leap into your arms" hug.  But I didn't say anything because, let's face it... my days of getting knock you down hugs are numbered with a pre teen and a tween in my house.  One morning I'm going to wake up with no back pain and my daughters are going to great me with a sleepy nod of the head instead of tackling me.  So painful or not, I'm going to take my hugs and suffer in silence...

Still nothing on the romance front but then if the adage is true, I'm not having any luck because I'm looking for it.  But gotta tell ya, it's kinda hard not to look for what you want.  That's like loosing your keys right before you walk out the door and hoping that they magically appear.

I've been waiting for my happily ever after since I was 18!  I'm tired  Where is my Doofus in tin foil??

So okay I'm pretty sure that *if* I have any new readers you might be asking why I say doofus in tin foil and not knight in shining armor...

Knight's in shining armor don't exist.

Yes you read that right.  I have known enough males and read enough romance novels to know that the guy on paper, he doesn't exist.  Sure there are blond haired blue eyes Adonis-like guys that you wish would pay you the slightest bit of attention and use their deep southern drawl to turn your knees to jelly and their well honed muscles to drag you off to bed and give you the good time you know only he can... err... or raven haired and green eyed, brown eyed, sandy haired... whichever, sorry got a little off topic there... what was I saying?  Oh yeah... yeah sure we wish that guy existed but the reality is that the perfect guy is a myth. 

There is a perfect man for each woman, (excluding the women that love other women of course.  I am not pushing heterosexuality on anyone.) but just because he's perfect for you doesn't mean he's perfect period.

I have several friends that have found their Prince Charming and you know what, I'm pretty sure that when they look at their guys, they see sunshine and daisies and unicorns flying out of their bums.  You don't wanna know what I see.  It's often times not very flattering.  THEY ARE GOOD GUYS but I don't see the sunshine.

This may be because I have a skewed view of men.  I'm not overly trustful of them because the last one I let past my walls destroyed the fortress.  I mean took a serious battering ram to the place and made a huge mess.  And ever since the great clean up, no male has made it past the outer wall.

Wow, I get off topic really quickly don't I??  What the $#(&! was I blogging about tonight?

Uhm... I went from a killer headache/backache to the perfect (nonexistent) man... okay... sure... I can work with that...

Have you ever listened to the fine print talk at the end of the dating site commercials?  I have.

And I quote... "Joining is free!  Sign up today!"

They don't lie...joining is free.  actually meeting someone will cost you anywhere from $35/month to $160/year.  Trust me I know I have a profile (sometimes two) on just about every dating site out there from Christian mingle to single parent's dot come.  Did you know there is even a site for farmers??  No shit there is... But they are the free profiles because I can't see taking my limited funds and splurging to find Mr. Right.

But on the flip side, I can't seem to find Mr. Right so is it really that wrong to pay someone else to find him for me?  If you ask my mom and the news, yes.  That is wrong because no one is who they seem to be online and those that are, well aren't they just goody two shoes?  I ask my friends and they well... they give me loving advice that starts with "Are you crazy??  Don't you dare!" and ends with "If you have to do, which you shouldn't, make sure you text me and tell me where you are and make it public and... yada yada..." (This is where I tend to tune out because my resolve to do the online thing has generally buckled under the lecture so why listen to the rules I'm not going to need to follow anyways...)

Me personally I have this thing where I get hung up on one ideal and hell if I can't get off it.  I call it the curse of being an only child and being a spoiled rotten one at that. I always want what is always just out of my reach.

Know what?  Subject change, I'm tired of talking about romance.

I wanna talk about... my birthday.

My birthday is officially 28 days from now.  I know what I want to do but there are serious odds that if I expect that, I will be highly disappointed so I think I'm going to expect a quiet night at home where I'll be routinely ignored or reminded that I'm a mom. (Pretty sure that I won't forget that)  My b-day falls on a Monday this year... boo hiss!!  I'm hoping the ex will take the kids the weekend before or after so that I can at least try to be an adult. Maybe I'll treat myself to a movie.

I am going to stop rambling now and end this.  I have jumped from A to Q and back to B all in the same blog.

OOOOOHHH IDEA!!!! I'm going to pick a letter of the alphabet each day and choose a topic and blog on that.

Insert evil laughter here...

Ciao bloggers!!