We never really leave high school...

It's a lesson that I have learned and keep having to re learn over and over again.

The characters never change ever.  The cast yes, but never the characters.  It's rather like Whitney houston and Deborah Cox's song. Same Script; Different Cast.

Usually I play the gullible bank freak outcast that wants desperately to be friends with all the cool people at the expense of her dignity.  The one that always, always, always ends up broken and alone.

I think this time I will play the band geek that already knows the lesson and sits back as the rest of the idiots in the drama play out their parts.

So... The cast of characters:

• The wife... aka the cheerleader
• The Husband... aka that guy, the cool one that every girl wants (Or so he thinks)

Caught up?  Good.

So the band geek became friends with both Th Guy and the The Cheerleader.  In truth, she kinda liked Guy more because he told the truth all the time whether you wanted to hear it or not.  And at one point the band freak was so super horney that she actually flirted with The Guy.  But here's where the drams begins to unfold.  The Guy turned her down and eventually the Freak found what she needed (which was basically a quick fuck somewhere) and she simply settled for The Guy's friendship because as stated before she actually respected him.  Meanwhile the Freak was occasionally hanging out with the Cheerleader but the more she did, the more she realized she was the beard.  The one that covers up.  When the cheerleader wanted to go out and screw the nearest dick, she basically told people she was hanging out with the freak.  When she was truly in trouble and stranded with the dick du jour, the freak did the good friend thing and went to the rescue.

But then the cheerleader slipped up and showed her batshit crazy side.  By this point The Guy had already left and kept trying to make a break but the Cheerleader held things over him.

About a year and half passed and the Freak no longer talks to the Cheerleader but sees The Guy often.  The freak still actually respects The Guy more from getting to know him.  So she actually tells The Guy about the night that the Cheerleader was stranded at the motel with the dick du jour.  Oops!  The Guy, while claiming that he knew the shit that the Cheerleader was in, didn't actually know that.

Damn that Band Freak!

The Guy ran straight to the Cheerleader to tell her what the Band freak said and as predicted, the cheerleader cussed the Band Freak out.

End of Drama.

Screw the names and the tags.  I knew that eventually the word would get to the wife that I told.  After she put a not so veiled Fuck you on facebook, I knew that the extremely long and blown out text was coming.  I figured it would either be a text on my phone or a message on Facebook.  Whichever served the purpose.  She chose text.

OMG I was so relieved.  I could go on with my life.

Except for one thing.

SHE ACTUALLY THINKS I WANT HER HUSBAND.  THAT I WANT HER HUSBAND TO BE MINE.

That's the one thing I can't get over.  Because it seems that the both of them think this.  For some reason they both seem to think that I want a relationship with the Guy.  

The Guy has a certain charm about him.  He demands respect just by being who he is, that it true but the Guy has a serious downfall.  he thinks that women who try to be his friend only are doing so because they want a taste of the guy.  

I want a quick fuck from him in late 2014 maybe early 2015.  After that I wanted nothing but friendship.  But she's worked it up in her mind that betraying her secrets I'm trying to get her out of the picture and put myself in.

I have no words.  I really don't.  I can't for the life of me see how she has held onto this belief for so damn long.  Or how he has.  No matter how many times I go over it in my head I just don't get it.  Maybe I flirt unconsciously when I talk?  Maybe I'm too friendly with men?  Dafuq?!?

So like I said, we never leave high school.  There will always be the one that plays the part of the band freak who just wants friends.  There will always be a plastic little spastic that gets high and fucks anything that can fit in her holes.  There will always be that Guy that thinks if a female is nice to him it must be because she wants him between her legs.  The Cheerleader will always think that every woman wants her man because she is so damn insecure.

To hell with them.  To hell with them all.  Fuck it, I haven't be apart of any band in nearly twenty years so even fuck the Band freak role.  I'm just me and I think I have learned the lesson of high school never ends.

So I'm at the point where if I never speak to either of them again my life will be so awesome.  I realize that since I work with The guy, silence may be difficult but damn if I won't try.

MAn Fuck High School....

Explanation of Silence

So, I’m not sure if anyone on Facebook noticed but for the last few days, I’ve been sorta on the missing in action side.  I guess my reason is that I don’t really have much to say publicly anymore. 

I found out a few weeks ago that I tested positive for Lupus.  A few days later she called back and said no, it wasn’t Lupus but pretty much 24 hours later I was called back and told, yes it is Lupus, they just don’t know what kind. 

Normally this would say to me, Dette, you need to get a second opinion.  But I couldn’t do that because even though my paperwork was refilled in March, Social Services still hadn’t reinstated my Medicaid which, until I can get a better job that comes with health benefits, that’s my only way of seeing a doctor or getting any of my ever growing number of prescriptions.  I have been fighting with Social Services now for months and only yesterday when I could hide behind my dignity and broke down and sobbed in front of pretty much everyone in Freedom Ave. DSS, did anyone do anything.  And before any one of you say it, NO, I did not use tears to get what I needed, I just wasn’t capable of dealing with the form answers that I’ve been getting lately indicating that I’m still getting nowhere.  It was only when I lost pretty much any shred of dignity I had left did anyone understand just how bad off I am right now. 

I can’t do this anymore.  That is simply what this boils down to.  Strange things have been going on with my body for almost a year now yet anytime I try to discuss it with a good number of my friends, it turns into them telling me about what wrong with them.  I have come to hate the phrase, “Yeah, well…” because it has come to ALWAYS without fail, mean “Enough about you, time to put the spotlight on me.”  The sad thing is, I’m not sure that any one of the handful of friends that do it even realize that they do it.  And I’m partially to blame for them not knowing that they do it because I tend to switch right back into supportive friend mode and comfort or just listen.

But lately I haven’t been able to do it.  The voice in my head starts screaming things that I have to hope and pray don’t come out of my mouth so I just don’t put myself in those situations anymore.  I’ve begun to distance myself from everyone.  I come home from work and I drink.  And I mean drink to the point where I used to be the one that my job called when they needed someone to come in and help out but they can’t do that anymore because within twenty minutes of getting home, I am no longer legal to drive.  I wake up, I play my Facebook games, and I get off the computer and I read.  I went back to writing again but I found that every time I did, whatever I was writing began to take on my real life or rather the real life my inner self wants where I blatantly scream, “It’s not about you!”

Believe me or don’t but I have even tried praying but the voice inside of me alternates from “If your friends won’t listen to you, why should God?” to “If there really was a God, why would he let this happen to you?”  This leads me back to drinking because I know there is a God and I know that he cares and he only give you what you can handle even if you feel like it’s crushing you.  So I try to shut the voice up because I was raised by a good Christian woman and loving Church family and I know that God is God.  I am not His only concern here on earth and He did not give me Lupus.

Those of you that think I’ve been shying from them and leaning only towards the man that I’ve been seeing, I can tell you that you too are wrong.  I haven’t said anything to him as well.  As a matter of fact, if he reads this he’s probably going to say WTF because I’ve become such a good hider that I haven’t said anything to him.  The truth is, I don’t want to run him away because he’s one of the few things in my life right now that make walking into traffic look like a really stupid choice meaning, he makes me want to live.  When I’m with him, I smile.  When I talk to him, I smile.  Hell when I think about him, I smile.  I like smiling.  I like feeling happy.  If not telling him about the crap in my life makes the happy continue, I’m going to try hard to keep that.

And I realize that it looks to some like I’m keeping him a secret but what some people, okay a lot of people have to understand is that I’m actually being respectful.  I don’t say his name of put up pictures of us because I’m not sure that we’ve reached that stage.  I’m not sure if he wants that.  He knows that it’s one of my secret desires to be able to say on Facebook that I’m in a relationship with and actually be able to say a name.  I would love more than anything to be able to tag him in my relationship status but I don’t want to alienate him.  I would love to introduce him to my friends but sometimes I feel like the third degree he’d get from them might be worse than an FBI probe and then off he’d go and I’d hate my friends who would unerringly say, “He wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Yes I know I’m a worst case scenario kind of person but most of you know this about me already so whatever.

I’m posting this on my blog because I still don’t feel like going back to Facebook right now.  I just don’t.  I don’t know when I will.  But right now, I need for the voice in my head (Which for better or worse is and has been for awhile now, Meredith Grey) makes some of the comments I want to post turn really nasty and I don’t want to lose any friends because my views aren’t their views which will lead to a debate of why they are right and I am wrong on Facebook, So I’m not bothering.  I’m watching my Facebook slowly degrade into a highly charged political arena with a little God thrown in every now and then.

So yeah, if you wanted to know why I’m silent lately, there’s why.  I can still be reached by messenger and text.  If I don’t respond, I may be at work or just not in the right mind frame to speak.  But I’m here, I’m living.  Don’t worry for me, I’m doing enough of that on my own.  I do love you all, I just have to figure out how to be outside of my own head and shut Meredith up.

Ta.  I’ll be around.

Pity Party table for one... seriously. It's like a rant...

Beware this is a serious pity party.

I'm feeling invisible today, bloggers.  I have these days every now and them.  In the past the days might have stretched out to a string but today is one of those days that it hurts a little more than normal.

I am not a social bug by any stretch of imagination. I don't call anyone and sometimes if real life gets in the way of texting I will completely forget to text you until some random happening causes you to cross my mind again.

But one thing I never do, one thing I can never be accused of, is ignoring someone for over six months and only contacting them because I need something from them.

I have an app on my phone that holds all of my texts.  Like every single one unless I've taken the time to delete them.  I can go back to some people and see the very first text they ever sent me on this phone.  It ranks my conversations as well.  Most recent is at the top and least recent is at the bottom.  Every six months, I go through and delete the people at the bottom.  In my mind if they can't bother to contact me, I can't bother to keep their text streams.  If I do this twice (i.e. you texted me because you need something in June and I don't hear from you by December I delete you and you contact me in Jan only to disappear until July...) I not only delete you I stop personalizing your stream.

I love Handsent.  I can give you a background, different colors and even a specific text tone so that I know it's you when you text.  Most often if it's a personalized text tone, I will drop what I am doing to text you back.  For some people that even means if you text me while I'm sleeping, I will wake up and have a conversation with you.  Even if that means that at three a.m you wanted to talk.  I will wake up.  But those people that contact me so little are given the short default tone which at the moment is a temple bell.  might pull me to the top of my consciousness in the middle of the night but you definitely won't get me to roll over and have a conversation.  After all, I only appear on your radar when you need something so why should I let you ruin my sleep?

And that sounds harsh and a little bit petty but it's the truth.  And I didn't used to be that way.  I used to be a kind, open person that gave every one of my friends their own text tone and special background.  At the moment, twelve people have their own backgrounds, and only eight people have a specific text tone.  I will be up front and honest and say that for those nine people, the world can wait while I see what they have to say.

So where am I going with this?  What is my point?  My point today is that I feel invisible and this is one of the few days that it's rubbing me like a cactus on newborn flesh.  It hurts.  It feels like no one bloody person gives a shit that I haven't been able to say a word in almost 24 hours.  Not one bloody person that has my phone number and can text or ever has texted me gave enough of a shit about me today to ask if my fever was down or if I was feeling better.

What the hell?  Really?  I mean just that little that you couldn't take five seconds and text me?  Facebook me?  Shit like this shows me just how high I rank.  Thank you.

Do me a favor.  The next time that you need/ want something from me, why don't you wait another six months and then consider asking me.  Maybe by then, I'll feel like doing you a solid for old times sake.

Ah piss. I'm going before I start naming names...

I do a lot of sighing...

You may or may not have noticed that my blog is now private.  Only people that I have given permission to can come in a read.  This is because I have finally decided that not everyone needs to know all about me.  And those that I make the mistake of thinking are my friends are sometimes kamikaze soldiers in disguise.  Case in Point my ex friend Michelle.

She is the one that told me flat out that I deserve everything I am going through with my son.  NO more will be said.

As for the boy, I am having another ripple in my serenity pond with him.

I did a random book bag search on him yesterday morning.  I found that he was trying to take his sketch books to school as well as a pink DS.  Why can't we stop taking rides on the Nintendo sponsored merry go round??  Long story short, he claims it belongs to his friend Joaquim.  Said friend came to the door today and I asked him why he would have a pink DS?  HE responded that it's his cousin's.  Of course he looked to the left and stuttered making me think back to Psychology 101.  I believe he's lying.  The again, I'm kinda apt to not believe any male right now.  I also asked him how long ago he gave it to Jovaughn.  He stuttered, looked at Jovaughn and scrunched up his face saying about... last Tuesday.  The girls said he had a pink DS last month and said he had had one for awhile now.

So I tripped the boy up and told him that I am only going to give it to his parents and he needs to bring his mother or father to my door to get the DS back.  If he doesn't bring his parent back to me, I will know that Jovaughn cooked up this story to get me to give the DS to his friend so he could get it back.  I am not as stupid as he thinks I am.

His father was supposed to call last night.  As much as I say Randy and I don't get along, he really is one of the few males in my life that can keep me from flying off my proverbial handle.  He knows what to do and say every time and when he doesn't he lets me rant.  After the rant he has a general idea of what to say and he says it.  When he didn't call last night there was no buffer between the boy and I.  With no buffer, the boy said something and walked around like he was the one that had the right to be hurt and I snapped.

And then I cried.  And then I snapped again.

I wanted to take a slow walk into the middle of the highway that runs not too far from my house.  I just felt bad and as usual I asked for help on my facebook.  I said and I quote "I need a reason NOT to get drunk tonight." and not one person said a word for hours until Shawna.  She texted me back down to where I could at least touch my feet to the ground.  And as of last night, I honest to God Thank GOD for her.  Because I honestly would have done something very drastic last night.  I was feeling just that bad.

You probably didn't notice but I took a little bit of a break there.  I was actually gone for like four hours.  Mom nd I are taking a sign language class at the church up the road from me.  Well actually I should say the Big church.  Everyone in the area would know that I mean Friendship.  They freaking take up both sides of the road.  They have the little church on one side, (And the little church is bigger than the medium sized church I go to now.) and the BIG church which just for reference you can see from the highway from at least two miles away on a clear day...  Yeah it's that big.  Their chor practices in a room that's so freaking huge I'm pretty sure Jay-Z would walk in and go "Damnnnnn!!!" Well he might not say Damn cause after all, it is a church.

I got back and my guitar and game had gotten here.  I love the UPS man now.  He doesn't know it, but I love him.  I also love Amazon.  Amazon rocks.  Amazon could be my bosom buddy that gives me a kidney.  Yeah, it's like that.

So at the moment, I am going to go immerse myself in Rock band.  IF you don't hear from me for a few days that's why but I can still be reached by text.

Love and hugs guys.  Hope you all have happy dreams. 

Sigh... When a friend betrays you it really hurts...

You know I really thought that I had gotten this off my mind when I put it as my status a couple of weeks ago... But no matter what I do, I can't shake the thought that until she knows what she did to me, the offending person and her act of unfriendship will continue to affect me...

So a couple of weeks ago, My mom calls me and says, Did you know that Andrea is pregnant?  I responded no but then I had taken her off my Facebook last October.  Whether she knew or cared that I had was beyond me.  I remember posting that my mom had just told me my best friend of twenty plus years was sixteen weeks pregnant on my Facebook and I truly thought that I would be able to forget it.

But I can't.

Okay, fine, you either don't know or don't care that I deleted you from my Facebook.  You never thought of me after I moved, and after you called me out on Facebook for deleting a post that you had commented on thinking that I deleted it because you disagreed with me, when in reality I deleted it because I was foul mouthed in the original comment and retrospect caused me to realize that it was uncalled for.  And You didn't seem to care when I began to delete the "friends" you introduced me to that never ever talked to me or even said hello.

But we were friends for 22 years and you didn't even bother to text me and tell me that you were pregnant?!?  Seriously??  That's like walking up to me under pretense of hugging me and then planting a knife right into my heart.  I could forgive and even try to forget that you blocked me from seeing pictures that I was in on your Facebook and that for a month I was stuck looking at your info page because you had blocked me from seeing any of your posts, but disregarding a 22 year friendship and not even telling me that you were expecting.  Low blow.

Regardless of the status of our online friendship, I would have never done that to you.  It was wrong, it was crass, and above all, now I know that we aren't even friends anymore.

Very well, I can take a very unsubtle hint when it's thrust in my face.  You chose your brand new non colored friends over our childhood friendship and relegated me to that dusty corner of your basement that never gets looked at.  Your actions just told me that what I thought was our friendship is officially over.

Whew!  Got that out of my system.  The question is, since I KNOW she doesn't read my blog, should I email this to her (A cleaner less acerbic version of course) or should I let this be the end of it.  And never think of her again and let her keep thinking that I'm still the ever patient Claudette sitting there waiting for her to notice me?

Sigh...

The sad thing is, IF my senior class ever has a 20 year reunion, I would want to go and she might be there as well.  I tend to hold onto things like this and stick them in my hair so that the ire never goes away.  What would I do if she came up to me and hugged me?  Would I hug her back and smile in her face or would I knock her away and treat her as badly as she's treated me?  I guess time will tell really.

Hopefully now that I've blogged about it, I can forget it and move on.

I really hope I can forget her the way she has me... But dammit 22 yrs of friendship meant something to me.  Obviously more than it did to her so it hurts so bad it's almost a physical hurt...

Sigh...

Thunderstorms...

As the lightning lights up the sky here I'm thinking about the thunderstorms in my life.
So I bogged about the "friend" on my Facebook that basically too my bad mood and turned it into his.  I'm not talking to that person.  I was going to just let it all blow over, but this afternoon, I had to explain to my mom about the comment he put on my timeline that I deleted.
Apparently I wasn't fast enough when I deleted his demand that I talk to him.
Yeah... I try to keep my Facebook happenings as far away from my mom as I can keep them.  Yes she's my mom but I am also an adult who sometimes has a burst of foul language or off color humor.  Things I don't need my mother to see.  So she had no idea that I was being silent, that basically I wasn't in the best of moods (what can I say to that?  She's a little part of the problems in my life, so I naturally don't bring it up in conversation), or that I had had what could be called a mini confrontation.
Gee thanks.  Exactly how I wanted to spend the ride home from the gym.
So I'm thinking that this qualifies as one of those no no's that qualify me to be fully justified in doing a delete maneuver.
I hate Facebook deleted.  More importantly, I hate how Facebook deleted are like breaking off a relationship.  Being deleted on someone's Facebook has become the equivalent of a dear john letter only harsher.  One day you are there and the next day, you can't see a Damn thing because you been deleted.
I feel like that small woman that used to say, "You ARE the weakest link.  Goodbye!"
Gah! Part of me just wants him to delete me. 
Can someone please give me the manual on how not to piss your friends off cause I can't even seem to sit still in my own misery and not piss them off.