Happy New Year, I guess...

So I'm not making a resolution or anything (because if you know me, making a resolution is the quickest way to get me to stop doing something) But I'm trying this out to see if I can see how much I change over the course of a year.

I thought about actually writing it down in a book but then, I thought, nah...

So Jan1...

I officially took off the fake wedding ring.  I took it off and set it on the shelf and I think it about it often.  Like at least once every few hours I look at or feel my ring finger where it was for over two years.

At first I was wearing it because it made the men at the Hut stop flirting with me.  Like armor I guess.  Whatever, it worked and the old fugly guys that batted their geriatric eyes at me stopped. 

In a way I feel like it was armor to protect myself from looking at other guys too.

I'm going to say it.  I have been in love with a friend of a friend for almost 8 years.  He's on my Facebook and I think maybe he considers me a friend but I don't really think so.  He doesn't say hello.  He stopped acknowledging any Facebook post I put on his wall years ago and for the last four years, not even a Happy Birthday.  I can't say I'm any better.  I stopped posting on his wall and trying to talk to him because it honestly broke my heart when he didn't respond so I just stopped.  But I didn't fall out of love with him.  I don't even KNOW him.  He never gave me the chance to but for some reason I'm in love with him.

I deny up and down and every possible way that I'm in love... that I've ever even known what love it.  I didn't love my ex husband.  I honored my vows to him but I never actually loved him.  I don't know anything but basics about this guy and if he asked me to I would...

Well I would at least give him a try.  Maybe we wouldn't get along together and maybe we would but a try would be nice.

Whatever. 

Like I said I took off the ring.  I have laid down the armor.  Whether or not he gives me a chance.  I am open for someone to come take a try at me.

Jan 2.


Worked today at the hut.  Still felt for my ring but it's absence didn't bother me as much today as yesterday when the separation was brand new.

I still don;'t know how to flirt or show a man I'm interested in.  So i went back to Tinder.  I was super liked by a guy and I liked him back.  If he responds and says hello maybe we can see in person if we have anything really in common.

I wish I had more to report on today but I can't muster anything, and I have to get to bed.  i have to be up at 6:30 in the morning for my morning client.

I'm tired.  I've fixed my work schedule so that i don't have any days off and it's starting to wear me down.  Like I'm going to crack soon and it's not going to be one of those duct tape and super glue fixes.

Ah well...

A new day starts in 10 minutes and 11 seconds.  Let's see what Jan 3 brings...

Explanation of Silence

So, I’m not sure if anyone on Facebook noticed but for the last few days, I’ve been sorta on the missing in action side.  I guess my reason is that I don’t really have much to say publicly anymore. 

I found out a few weeks ago that I tested positive for Lupus.  A few days later she called back and said no, it wasn’t Lupus but pretty much 24 hours later I was called back and told, yes it is Lupus, they just don’t know what kind. 

Normally this would say to me, Dette, you need to get a second opinion.  But I couldn’t do that because even though my paperwork was refilled in March, Social Services still hadn’t reinstated my Medicaid which, until I can get a better job that comes with health benefits, that’s my only way of seeing a doctor or getting any of my ever growing number of prescriptions.  I have been fighting with Social Services now for months and only yesterday when I could hide behind my dignity and broke down and sobbed in front of pretty much everyone in Freedom Ave. DSS, did anyone do anything.  And before any one of you say it, NO, I did not use tears to get what I needed, I just wasn’t capable of dealing with the form answers that I’ve been getting lately indicating that I’m still getting nowhere.  It was only when I lost pretty much any shred of dignity I had left did anyone understand just how bad off I am right now. 

I can’t do this anymore.  That is simply what this boils down to.  Strange things have been going on with my body for almost a year now yet anytime I try to discuss it with a good number of my friends, it turns into them telling me about what wrong with them.  I have come to hate the phrase, “Yeah, well…” because it has come to ALWAYS without fail, mean “Enough about you, time to put the spotlight on me.”  The sad thing is, I’m not sure that any one of the handful of friends that do it even realize that they do it.  And I’m partially to blame for them not knowing that they do it because I tend to switch right back into supportive friend mode and comfort or just listen.

But lately I haven’t been able to do it.  The voice in my head starts screaming things that I have to hope and pray don’t come out of my mouth so I just don’t put myself in those situations anymore.  I’ve begun to distance myself from everyone.  I come home from work and I drink.  And I mean drink to the point where I used to be the one that my job called when they needed someone to come in and help out but they can’t do that anymore because within twenty minutes of getting home, I am no longer legal to drive.  I wake up, I play my Facebook games, and I get off the computer and I read.  I went back to writing again but I found that every time I did, whatever I was writing began to take on my real life or rather the real life my inner self wants where I blatantly scream, “It’s not about you!”

Believe me or don’t but I have even tried praying but the voice inside of me alternates from “If your friends won’t listen to you, why should God?” to “If there really was a God, why would he let this happen to you?”  This leads me back to drinking because I know there is a God and I know that he cares and he only give you what you can handle even if you feel like it’s crushing you.  So I try to shut the voice up because I was raised by a good Christian woman and loving Church family and I know that God is God.  I am not His only concern here on earth and He did not give me Lupus.

Those of you that think I’ve been shying from them and leaning only towards the man that I’ve been seeing, I can tell you that you too are wrong.  I haven’t said anything to him as well.  As a matter of fact, if he reads this he’s probably going to say WTF because I’ve become such a good hider that I haven’t said anything to him.  The truth is, I don’t want to run him away because he’s one of the few things in my life right now that make walking into traffic look like a really stupid choice meaning, he makes me want to live.  When I’m with him, I smile.  When I talk to him, I smile.  Hell when I think about him, I smile.  I like smiling.  I like feeling happy.  If not telling him about the crap in my life makes the happy continue, I’m going to try hard to keep that.

And I realize that it looks to some like I’m keeping him a secret but what some people, okay a lot of people have to understand is that I’m actually being respectful.  I don’t say his name of put up pictures of us because I’m not sure that we’ve reached that stage.  I’m not sure if he wants that.  He knows that it’s one of my secret desires to be able to say on Facebook that I’m in a relationship with and actually be able to say a name.  I would love more than anything to be able to tag him in my relationship status but I don’t want to alienate him.  I would love to introduce him to my friends but sometimes I feel like the third degree he’d get from them might be worse than an FBI probe and then off he’d go and I’d hate my friends who would unerringly say, “He wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Yes I know I’m a worst case scenario kind of person but most of you know this about me already so whatever.

I’m posting this on my blog because I still don’t feel like going back to Facebook right now.  I just don’t.  I don’t know when I will.  But right now, I need for the voice in my head (Which for better or worse is and has been for awhile now, Meredith Grey) makes some of the comments I want to post turn really nasty and I don’t want to lose any friends because my views aren’t their views which will lead to a debate of why they are right and I am wrong on Facebook, So I’m not bothering.  I’m watching my Facebook slowly degrade into a highly charged political arena with a little God thrown in every now and then.

So yeah, if you wanted to know why I’m silent lately, there’s why.  I can still be reached by messenger and text.  If I don’t respond, I may be at work or just not in the right mind frame to speak.  But I’m here, I’m living.  Don’t worry for me, I’m doing enough of that on my own.  I do love you all, I just have to figure out how to be outside of my own head and shut Meredith up.

Ta.  I’ll be around.

Living with it.

So about a week ago, i went to see a new doctor who leaked, I guess is the word the information that I had tested positive for Lupus in the blood work that my last doctor ordered.  She tried to make it sound like something I should have already known or at the very least something he should have told me himself but when she realized that no one had imparted that information to me she tried a different route by saying that a lot of women test positive but don't actually have it.  That route didn't work as well because the more she looked me over, the more she was convinced that I would not be one of the millions of women with a false positive.  I have way too many of the symptoms.

I have Fatigue that i can't seem to shake some days.  Even if I get eight full hours of uninterrupted sleep I can still feel like my butt is dragging.  Mostly I hide this with coffee and then use the slight caffeine high to look productive but the days when I don't even feel the caffeine, it is unbelievably hard to fake it.  Those are generally the days where I get in trouble because I don't have the energy to keep the things in my head from daytripping out of my mouth...

Joint Pain.  I can call it arthritis all I want.  I can cling to the actual fact that no one is too young to have it but the pain and weakness in my left shoulder that some days prevents me from doing my job or at the very least makes it so hard I want to cry... yeah.  They did an xray.  Inflamed joint not arthritis.

Headaches.  I get them so bad that well... I blank out.  I know someone out there has had a migraine so bad that they feel like if they could just crawl out of your body you'd be fine.  I can tell you first hand, wanting that and experiencing that are two way different things and if you'd ever experienced that, you'd never wish for it again.  It generally comes with a whole body shudder and suddenly for just a moment, the pain is totally gone and you feel like you're floating but not in a good way.  Floating like you're about to fall and hit the ground.  And then you go slamming right back into your body. But here's the kicker... what felt like a few seconds can actually be a good stretch of time.  Livy found me just staring at the wall once.  She said I sat like that perfectly still for ten minutes at least never moved, she said I didn't even blink.  then all of the sudden I shuddered and I blinked and I was back.  I have absolutely no memory of this.

Tonight, I took a good long look in the mirror.  Just to the left of my left eye my skin is turning darker... In the shape of what looks like a crudely drawn butterfly.  Combined with my bright red birthmark it's not exactly pretty.

I'm supposed to call her if I saw this.

The first thing I did when I get home that first night was to google if Lupus could be transmitted sexually.  Thankfully it cannot.  Please don't think I'm saying I think I got this through sex.  That was never my thought.  My thought was could I give it.  Every single source I could find assured me that I cannot give it to him.

But every single souce I can find says that this is going to get bad.  I'm going to have good days, I'm going to have bad days and I'm going to have really shitty beyond words days.  Now that I've finally found someone that I can see a future with can I do that to him?

It's not that I don't think he'd stick around.  Something tells me he would.  But do I want him to see me like that?  Days when I feel like he deserves someone that's not looking at being sick.  Days when I can't even get out of bed because it hurts too much.

Can I do that to him?  I don't think I can.

Part of me wants to just say "Run!  Run far! Run Fast!  Run and remember me the way I am right this moment.  Remember me before you got to see me on days when I can't stay awake for shit.  Run and remember me before you saw me have to crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom because my feet were so swollen and hurting that walking was a wishful dream.(yeah that's happened a few times)  Remember only those times I couldn't walk right because you made my legs like jelly."

And yet Part of me hope he'll stay and hold me and tell me he's not going anywhere.  That those days I can't stay awake, he'll lay beside me.  Those days when pretty much all I can do is lie there with a book, he'll sit or lay there and let me prop the book up on his leg while he plays a video game or watches a movie.

I promised myself that Friday before last was the only day I was going to allow myself to wallow.  If I gonna have to live with this then dammit I'm going to live.  They say God gives you no more than you can carry.  So I guess He has decided I can carry this.

I will not wallow.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will not be upset if I have to do this alone (Total lie by the way but it sounds good)
I will not cry. (Still lying)
I will not WebMd myself into apoplexy thinking this is going to kill me in the next 24 hours. (again total lie)

Most of all, I will never say Fuck my life.  Because aside from  what is fast becoming something I can't ignore, my life is golden right now.  Good job.  Good man.  Awesome sex life.  Did I say good man?  Children who are about to leave the nest.  Really. Awesome. Guy.  Friends that I love.

I'm just gonna sigh.  And go to bed.  Because it's two freaking AM and I should have been sleep hours ago.  Damn Netflix...

Goodnight.

So quickie....

I'm tired and I'm about to take it down.

Nothing has really changed in my life.  Still no man (I've pretty much given up on that to tell you the truth...), still have an awesome job, and have not yet had a decent night's sleep.

I really honestly thought that blogging about it would help since writing out what's wrong has usually worked in the past but nope. I still feel the bullet, I still feel the car crushing me, and I still wake up shaking, crying, and sweating.  I even told my boss about it and he tried his damndest to convince me that it's just a dream.  by tried to convince me I mean tried to get it into my subconscious mind because I couldn't get past me feeling it.  If I didn't feel it, I would be able to cope a little better.  If I didn't have a constant migraine in the exact spot that the bullet hits my head all the time I might be able to convince myself that this is just a dream.

I have to admit, I am almost down to calling Dr. Patel and asking him for a referral to a psychologist...  I don't know though... This sounds like one of those dreams that gets you locked up for 72 hours on a psyche watch and or a thorazine drip.  The LAST thing I need right now is for medical professionals to think I'm crazy.

Had a bit of a scare yesterday.  My neighbor calls and I missed it so I texted her and said I was at work what was up and she responded with CMP which is call me please so I knew it had to be important.  My next door neighbor got robbed... again.  This is the 3rd time in like three years.  On one hand I am so sorry it happened to her, but on another hand that I am keeping behind my back, I am so glad it wasn't me.  The first time I got robbed, Randy wanted me to move.  The second time I got robbed Randy pretty much demanded I move.  I'm pretty sure if I am unlucky again, he will do what he's been threatening to do and tell the courts that I insist on living in a place that is unsafe for his children.  You scoff.  Yes, he picks and chooses when to act like the concerned dad but the fucker picks and chooses his moments very well.

Sigh... Oh well...  It's time to try and get some sleep.  I wonder how long I will be able to manage to keep my eyes closed this time.  Last night I got about six hours but I got it in 45 minute spurts.

Seriously, I would trade the images in my head for one boring silence anytime...

That's my attempt at being funny.

Goodnight bloggers!!

So sick

I am so sick of people telling me that thunder is JUST a sound and that no one ever died of thunder.  Thunder cannot hurt me and it's an irrational fear that I need to get over.  By twelve o'clock today three people told me that it was basically a bullshit fear and I needed to get over it.  By ten tonight one more person said it.

The first person that said it said it via text so he didn't really see my reaction.  The next two people that said it to me, I kinda laughed along with them when they began to poke fun at the fear and the fourth person I really wanted to hit because he knows better.

I have been afraid of anything that represented itself with a loud boom since I was a little girl.  I refused to go to the fourth of July festivities because fireworks are basically a loud boom.  Thunderstorms.  Thunder is a loud boom.  I don't like balloons because when they pop, it's a loud boom.

So you say it's an irrational fear and I need to get over it.  I'm glad that you have that attitude.  Never ever show me any kind of fear you have because my advice to you is that you need to get over it.

I don't know how to make people understand that booms of any volume trigger something inside of me that makes me want to crawl in a corner and hold my arms around my knees until it stops.  I have been this way since I was a child.  For a long time I wouldn't even go to the bowling alley because of the crashing of the pins and the rumbling.  I managed to get over that at least.

It's not like it's my old fear.  I freak out in elevators with more than three people in them.  If I'm on an elevator and an overweight person gets on, I will get off.  It has nothing to do with their weight, I simply feel like I'm trapped and need to escape asap.

I just wish people would stop trying to tell me their views of my fears.  Maybe one day I'll conquer then and maybe I never will, but the least you could do is not make fun of me...

Slow and steady

Everytime I come to the conclusion that I'm not as old as I think I am, my body laughs and says, "yeah you are. Let me show you." and something starts to hurt. This morning it was my back, legs, and generally everything below my neck.

I can't blame all that on being old though.  Last night I did an exercise in futility otherwise known as putting your all into mopping a kitchen floor the night before truck day. Only my Howie family will understand that.  On Wednesday night, there is no point to putting any elbow grease into mopping that floor.

Whatever, it's done and as it's already one thirty in the afternoon I am pretty sure that my hard work has already been proved for naught.  Popped a tram.  It's all good.

SO last night I stood outside with J and we talked for a bit after work.  He is a slow and steady kind of guy.  I have never been with a slow and steady kind of guy.  Ever.

This is going to be interesting.  That's about the only word I have for it.

I really should be cleaning up my house because it's been decided.  We are going to have what I think is a second date.  He's coming over to watch movies on Sunday.

The conundrum is where in my house this is going to happen.

The working DVD player is in my bedroom.  The Xbox that also plays DVD's is in the living room.  The couch in the living room is horrible.  It actually has wood boards under the cousins so that anyone over the age of ten can sit anywhere near comfortably on it.  The small couch has wobbly and falling off legs.  I can put the mattress that we keep down there on the floor to sit on but that kinda send the wrong message.

But saying the dvd player is in my bedroom sends and even worse message.  Do you see where I'm stuck here?  What in the sam hell do I do since there is no chance whatsoever of getting a decent couch between now and Sunday.

I also should go get the television that doesn't require a drumstick to turn it on from my moms house before Sunday.  So much to do on top of making my house look picture freaking donna reed perfect. Okay not Donna Reed but at least not Peg Bundy....

Freaking GAH!!! I want a cigarette already and it's only a quarter to two in the afternoon. (Don't listen to me, don't hand me one.  I don't need one...)  I need to change the atomizer on my e-sig and see if that will help with the getting nothing issue. I need stronger liquid because 12mg is just not doing it AT ALL.

So today is Thursday.  I'm baking tomorrow and have three hours left today to clean.  I'm busy from 10 am Sat to ten pm and then church on Sunday.  I guess I will stick to my norm which is to bust my @$$ cleaning in the two hours between when he aid he'll probably be here and getting home.

I also need to figure out what we are going to have for dinner and if he's going to want dinner or if he's going to want to snack...

AND OMG I JUST REALIZED this will be the first time he'll get to actually meet my daughters.  I'm not ready for this.  I hadn't planned on that.  Oh crap.

I'm about to go spinning out of my mind and it's not one of those fun ones.  This is going to be the outside calm and inside a bundle of nerves spinning.  I'm going to be a mess for the next few days.

When I was with the last guy I was with I didn't introduce him to my kids.  I didn't want to go there.  And the only other guy that's actually been in my house since then met my girls but we are just friends so there was no "I want you guys to meet my friend." introduction.  I don't even know how to make that introduction.  Oh God Oh God Oh God.....

You guys stay frosty, I'm going to go worry myself into looking forty years old.  I'm pretty sure I will give myself a million grey hairs in the next few days.

What the eff am I about to do????

Bright shiny day dimmed a bit...

Just got back from the Gastro doc... Yippie, I get to have the total irrigation done.  Both ends in one day.  I'm going to be hungry as a mug when I wake up.

The nurse was exceptionally unhelpful when totally not answering my questions.  I'm scheduled at a quarter to seven in the morning for this thing and I have to start taking the stuff the night before and six hours before which means that I will be up past midnight.  I'm not at my best past midnight.  I can do it.  I don't want to, but I can do it.

Based on the pains that I have and the other factors that are too yucky to mention here he feels that yes, we should go down both ends in one day just to see.  The fact that I had a close relative pass away from stomach cancer did not add any sunshine to this visit.  In fact my doctor thought it would be a great idea to tell me everything he tells patients who he thinks need double irrigation. (I am not calling the procedures by their names. I even put it in my calendar as Garden hose.) He wants me to do some looking into stomach and colon cancer.

The fact that the pain that drove me to the er that night was on my left side and the inflammation was on my left side means that the Motrin was what caused the pain I was feeling not the colon problem.  He's not even sure that the colon inflammation would have been noticed until it was a really big issue.  And in his opinion, when things like an inflamed colon can go unnoticed, they tend to point towards the cancer side of the scale.

So operation scare the shit out of Claudette was a rousing success!

And I'm going to worry.  I inherited that ability from my mom.  Jump to the worst possible conclusion almost immediately because there is no one there to say, "Calm down."

Why is that doctors always know exactly which spots to press on your body to make you radiate with pain?? Seriously??  I was doing very well.  Hadn't had a bad Tummy day since Sunday afternoon and before that possibly Thanksgiving because I seriously over ate. But now, he hit that one shit spot just under my ribcage and my entire abdomen feels like I've been doing crunches are drinking a gallon of milk.  Not nice dude.

Grilled/ fried/ baked BBQ chicken for dinner (The kids defrosted a BJ's pack of drumsticks and they all need cooking.  I may be back with the Q blog tonight but I'm gonna say no right now because the need for a tramodal is pressing very hard right now.  You know what?  Let's just assume that I won't be back until tomorrow.

Love peace and Hair grease!

Ow! Hiccups hurt.

night!

This is getting really tiring...

I don't know.  Maybe I need to get laid and then I will stop being overly emotional.  Maybe if I release whatever it is that released when you get some, I will regain my ability to be a level headed person again.

I want to scream one thousand cusses right now into the wind and not stop until I have no breath left in my body.  Why must men be so damned infuriating?  They are forever complaining that they don't understand women but the truth is, we're not the hard ones to figure out.  Men are WAY more complex than women are.

I want so bad for this not to be another blog about how my ex is pissing me off.  There's about a hundred of those running through my mind right now and I need to deal with that.  There's a lot of crap running around my brain right now but I can't put it here because like shitting in the wind, it'll come back and land right in my face. I know it will.

I'm sitting here fighting off tears because life is so hard right now.  There are so many demand on my time and not very many of them are mine.  This past Saturday was probably the most fun I have had in months because I got to do something for me.  It'll be a cold day in Neverland before that happens again.

I had two things that I wanted to do this month.  Just two.  I wanted to go see Thor and I wanted to go see The hunger Games.  I've missed my chance with Thor.  And I can already tell I'm not going to get to see the Hunger Games.  At least not on opening day.  I did get Saturday and I had hella fun but think about it.  I had two small things that I wanted to do for me this month and they have to go out of the window in favor of someone else's plans.

I got some disheartening news yesterday about something that's had me questioning a few things.  One of them being should I have ever left New Jersey.  Sometimes I'm not so sure.  My son doesn't love me enough to pretend I exist unless it's a blue moon.  So that's the same as when I was there.  My love life is about the same.  No one gave a damn about me in the dating circle in NJ and No one give a damn about me here.  My friends still love me no matter where I go so there's that.

Sigh... I'm just so tired of being treated like everyone doormat.  So tired of being treated like I don't matter unless I'm needed.  So tired... So freaking tired.

I'm turning into a used up, dried up old prune and no one seems to care.  I'm screaming out for just a little relief and everyone is so busy with what they need from me or want from me or can get from me that no one hears me.

I'm 34 years old and I feel like I'm 50+.  I can honestly see why no man wants me.  What man my age wants someone who is so old in the inside?

I can't have any more kids.  At least not naturally and sometimes I'm not sure if I want to do it again at this stage in the game.  Five years ago when I was still 29 maybe.  I have 6 years, one month and two days until my youngest is 18.  I have hit the home stretch and everyone says I'm going to have empty nest syndrome like crazy but I don't think I will.  In six years, one month and two days from today's date this will be absolutely nothing holding me to this spot and... and... and...

I'm still going to be sitting right here being the good girl, making no waves, making no loud noises, hoping that someone will come along and notice me.  Sitting here in my polished shoes, and pretty white pinafore dress with my hair done up really nicely, wearing a big smile.  That'll be me.

Oh, my dad is in the hospital again.  Not good.

We may not have always gotten along, but god, I don't want to lose my Daddy.  I'm not ready to lose my Daddy...

...

Fear...

So a few years ago, December 2009, I had Shingles... bad.  I have this horrible lump on the top of my head that looked honestly like something had laid eggs under my skin.  The rash went all the way from my forehead to the crown of my head and cause most of the hair in it's path to fall out.  If I so much as moved too fast, I was in extreme pain.  Pain that rivaled my worst contractions when I was pregnant.  It went down to my left eye and quickly spread to my right eye.  They call it Shingles.  It was bad.  The Dr. that treated me in the emergency room told me outright that for me to get it in my twenties was a rarity and that since one of the triggers is stress, I must have been under extreme stress.

I actually took a Facebook picture of how I looked before the lump on top of my head got big...

This was when the lip was swollen and the whole left side of my face hurt.  You can see where my hair started to fall out at the top.  My Dr. at the time was completely unconcerned that I described my eyes as red and yellow.  He told me to buy an eye patch.  I think it was the day after this or so that I went to the ER to find out it was Shingles and never called my doctor again.

Truth is, I was.  I had an ex husband that was acting like most ex's act which is to say $#(&.  I had a job that was more quickly becoming a place I dreaded going whereas I used to love it. I was raising three kids pretty much on my own and at the time my son treated me the way he grew up watching his father treat me which is to say like I was inconsequential to his everyday life, and I had a landlord who thought he was God's gift and he could treat me anyway he wanted to.  So yeah.  Stress.

Anyway, like I said it affected my eye.  The whites of my eye turned yellow.  I looked like I had a serious case of jaundice.  The slightest amount of daylight hurt my eyes and I had to wear thick dark sunglasses everywhere I went including into my house for up to an hour while my eyes adjusted to the now muted light.  The eye doctor they sent me to hinted that untreated I would have lost my vision.... at first.  He later said that I had damaged my eyes irreparably.  That part I told no one because I put myself in denial and told myself that he had no clue what he was talking about.

Recently I have to take day trips out of denial because my eyes are getting bad.  Really bad.  Bad like sunglasses are increasingly not helping and doing almost anything outside is near impossible.   Driving is becoming something that I don't look forward to because I can be in the middle of the road and suddenly my eyes go blurry and or my vision just blanks out for a second.  Blinking used to help clear it but it doesn't always anymore. Grey days like today actually cause me headaches because they are so bright and I've become the person that has to wear sunglasses almost into nighttime.

I have a real fear that I am going blind and bloggers, I am scared to death.  Scared like you wouldn't believe.  There isn't a damn thing I can do about it because I am now dependent on Medicaid and they don't cover adult's eyes anymore.

I have no one but my kids to rely on if I lose my sight. They aren't old enough to be able to cope with that and I feel that if they aren't 18 when I finally do go blind, my ex will use that as an excuse to take them from me.  Not that I'm selfish that way, If I do lose my sight I will probably give them to him because they deserve a life that I will no longer be able to give them.

I will be so totally alone that I am pretty sure I will want most days to curl up in a corner and die.  I have never really much thought about losing my sight but more and more it's pressing on me.  I have stopped rearranging my house and have become the person that has places for things.  On days when ordinary room light hurts too much for me to see well, I try to walk around with shades on or even with my eyes closed just to get the layout of my house.

I'm a reader.  The written word is a huge part of my life.  If I can't read anymore can I survive?  If I can't get on the computer and type out my feelings would I survive?  Even as I type this, my eyes are starting to hurt a lot.  Hurt like... almost burn.

I am scared to death and I can't tell anyone.  I tried to tell my mom once. She said I needed to wear my glasses more.  My glasses have since been lost actually.  I had to stop wearing them because they actually made it all worse.  And Like I said before Medicaid no longer covers eye care for adults so they were my last pair.  I'm no longer able to go to an eye doctor.

It's after midnight, I should go.  I need to stop looking at the screen like I'm going to find the answers I need.  There aren't really any.

And besides ending up alone and possibly in a dark world where I can't even see my children anymore, the fact that no one can tell me anything has me scared shitless...