December 17, 2023

 I didn't do jack shit today.

I mean, I did my nails and watched Wonder Woman.  Did a load of laundry then made pancakes and bacon for dinner.

Took a shit.

That literally sums up my day.

Oh! I watched the first season of the First Wives Club on Netflix.  Love me some Jill Scott.  Have since she whacked that uppity shit in the back of the head with the bottle in Why did I get married. Michelle Banteau is kinda funny too. She hosts the Circle on Netflix and she was the MC in that survival of the thickest I watched last ... well I was gonna say last week but that was like four days ago.

Shit.

The baby turns 22 in a day. 

Yes.  Yes 22 is still playing relentlessly in my head.

The middle minion is on the train. At this precise moment, she's in Greensboro NC.  112 miles away.  I briefly toyed with staying up to go get her from the train station but that'll be at three am. I love my child but I need Amtrak to do better. I took that very same train down to Charlotte from NJ 26... oh god old moment... years ago and I remember damn well that that train got in at a reasonable hour but now 26...oh god damn I feel old... years later that bitch wanna roll in like a WYD booty call at three am... DO  BETTER. AMTRAK!

I'm doing pretty good at remembering to do this every night.  

Why does Netflix pretend like that twatwaffle Meghan Markle is the reason Suits was popular??  Ugh... I can't stand her and Cuntmilla. Now watch me finally be able to move to England and be one of her loyal subjects. Snort.

My head hurts.  I'm about to fall in to bed and give my pillow some head.

Snort... like I remember how to give head.  It's been way too long.

I think I need therapy y'all.  I'm cracking up. Well not that's not true I was cracked years ago. Now I'm broken and laughing at my own bad jokes.

Snort!

Groan.  Help me

Also I think my keyboard is dying. Poop.

Okay, I'm really signing off now.  Night!

Explanation of Silence

So, I’m not sure if anyone on Facebook noticed but for the last few days, I’ve been sorta on the missing in action side.  I guess my reason is that I don’t really have much to say publicly anymore. 

I found out a few weeks ago that I tested positive for Lupus.  A few days later she called back and said no, it wasn’t Lupus but pretty much 24 hours later I was called back and told, yes it is Lupus, they just don’t know what kind. 

Normally this would say to me, Dette, you need to get a second opinion.  But I couldn’t do that because even though my paperwork was refilled in March, Social Services still hadn’t reinstated my Medicaid which, until I can get a better job that comes with health benefits, that’s my only way of seeing a doctor or getting any of my ever growing number of prescriptions.  I have been fighting with Social Services now for months and only yesterday when I could hide behind my dignity and broke down and sobbed in front of pretty much everyone in Freedom Ave. DSS, did anyone do anything.  And before any one of you say it, NO, I did not use tears to get what I needed, I just wasn’t capable of dealing with the form answers that I’ve been getting lately indicating that I’m still getting nowhere.  It was only when I lost pretty much any shred of dignity I had left did anyone understand just how bad off I am right now. 

I can’t do this anymore.  That is simply what this boils down to.  Strange things have been going on with my body for almost a year now yet anytime I try to discuss it with a good number of my friends, it turns into them telling me about what wrong with them.  I have come to hate the phrase, “Yeah, well…” because it has come to ALWAYS without fail, mean “Enough about you, time to put the spotlight on me.”  The sad thing is, I’m not sure that any one of the handful of friends that do it even realize that they do it.  And I’m partially to blame for them not knowing that they do it because I tend to switch right back into supportive friend mode and comfort or just listen.

But lately I haven’t been able to do it.  The voice in my head starts screaming things that I have to hope and pray don’t come out of my mouth so I just don’t put myself in those situations anymore.  I’ve begun to distance myself from everyone.  I come home from work and I drink.  And I mean drink to the point where I used to be the one that my job called when they needed someone to come in and help out but they can’t do that anymore because within twenty minutes of getting home, I am no longer legal to drive.  I wake up, I play my Facebook games, and I get off the computer and I read.  I went back to writing again but I found that every time I did, whatever I was writing began to take on my real life or rather the real life my inner self wants where I blatantly scream, “It’s not about you!”

Believe me or don’t but I have even tried praying but the voice inside of me alternates from “If your friends won’t listen to you, why should God?” to “If there really was a God, why would he let this happen to you?”  This leads me back to drinking because I know there is a God and I know that he cares and he only give you what you can handle even if you feel like it’s crushing you.  So I try to shut the voice up because I was raised by a good Christian woman and loving Church family and I know that God is God.  I am not His only concern here on earth and He did not give me Lupus.

Those of you that think I’ve been shying from them and leaning only towards the man that I’ve been seeing, I can tell you that you too are wrong.  I haven’t said anything to him as well.  As a matter of fact, if he reads this he’s probably going to say WTF because I’ve become such a good hider that I haven’t said anything to him.  The truth is, I don’t want to run him away because he’s one of the few things in my life right now that make walking into traffic look like a really stupid choice meaning, he makes me want to live.  When I’m with him, I smile.  When I talk to him, I smile.  Hell when I think about him, I smile.  I like smiling.  I like feeling happy.  If not telling him about the crap in my life makes the happy continue, I’m going to try hard to keep that.

And I realize that it looks to some like I’m keeping him a secret but what some people, okay a lot of people have to understand is that I’m actually being respectful.  I don’t say his name of put up pictures of us because I’m not sure that we’ve reached that stage.  I’m not sure if he wants that.  He knows that it’s one of my secret desires to be able to say on Facebook that I’m in a relationship with and actually be able to say a name.  I would love more than anything to be able to tag him in my relationship status but I don’t want to alienate him.  I would love to introduce him to my friends but sometimes I feel like the third degree he’d get from them might be worse than an FBI probe and then off he’d go and I’d hate my friends who would unerringly say, “He wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Yes I know I’m a worst case scenario kind of person but most of you know this about me already so whatever.

I’m posting this on my blog because I still don’t feel like going back to Facebook right now.  I just don’t.  I don’t know when I will.  But right now, I need for the voice in my head (Which for better or worse is and has been for awhile now, Meredith Grey) makes some of the comments I want to post turn really nasty and I don’t want to lose any friends because my views aren’t their views which will lead to a debate of why they are right and I am wrong on Facebook, So I’m not bothering.  I’m watching my Facebook slowly degrade into a highly charged political arena with a little God thrown in every now and then.

So yeah, if you wanted to know why I’m silent lately, there’s why.  I can still be reached by messenger and text.  If I don’t respond, I may be at work or just not in the right mind frame to speak.  But I’m here, I’m living.  Don’t worry for me, I’m doing enough of that on my own.  I do love you all, I just have to figure out how to be outside of my own head and shut Meredith up.

Ta.  I’ll be around.

I probably should NOT be blogging

Because while I have had food tonight, I have also had an entire bottle of wine.

YEs, Arbor mist is real wine.  Or it damn sure is when you drink an entire bottle of it.  I should work on my limits.  No... that's not the word... I should work on my... on my... what is the damn word???  That thing where you know you shouldn't do something but you do anyway?  LIke finish an entire bag of Pepperidge Farm MIlano slices with salted pretzels on top and drink an entire bottle of wine.  I wanna say limitations but I don't think that's the word.

I think that it's better if I don't think right now.

So an update to my stupid act of anger a few week ago.  I tried to apologize but he still won't talk to me.  I think my apology has gone the way of the mejai or whatever it is they say.

A friend asked me the other day if I want to make amends.  I don't know.  I miss my friend.  I miss talking with him.  Or rather listening to him talk.  If amends means having that back.  Yes.  I do.  If amends means having him back intimately, I honestly don't know.  I miss the way his eyes sparkle when he talks to me.  Now they are cold.  I miss the way I might look over and catch him watching me.  NOw he turns his back to me.  All The Time.

I can't keep up the dance where I try to move out of his way.  I can't force myself to keep breathing when he says something not work related to me.  I can't stop pretending that hugging him and being hugged by him fixed almost every problem I had had that day and that I miss it.

I miss it.  I miss him.  And he's gone.

And I am not okay.

I haven't blogged because there is nothing to blog about.  I think we all know that if I wanna blog I could bullshit out a blog about the sky being blue if I wanted to.  NO, I haven't blogged because I'm back to square one in beating myself up.  I did wrong.  I messed up.

And he won't give me the time of day to say that to his face.  He won't relent for one second for me to look him in his gorgeous eyes one more time and apologize to him.

I definitely should not drink.  I just need to stop altogether.  It's after midnight and all I want is another glass of wine.  NO actually, I want the rest of the absolut in my fridge and maybe the iced tea vodka.

I have this theory that I probably need to... I'm not going to finish this.

My life is in an absolute tailspin and I don't know how to stop it.

I don't know if I want to stop it.

And I have no one that I can talk to about it.

No one.

I need to change things.

But I don't want to.

I think that the absence of my want is due to the absence of my know how.  And I sound like I know what I'mn saying but I don't.

I want to change things but I don't want to because I don't know how and I'm afraid of falling on my ass again.

Okay, I'm going to end this and go to bed.  Maybe in the morning I will be better and not want to climb up a side of a water tower and just sit there singing.

One of my coworkers has this thing.  If you tell her she's driving you crazy, she responds with the same line:

"Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a padded room.  I liked it there. I died there.  They put three flowers on my grave.  Two went up, one went down.  It tickled me.  It drove me crazy.  Crazy?  I was crazy once...." And it continues.

Why did I mention that?  I don't know.

I think I might need a padded room again.  I don't want to hurt anyone but I think I might be becoming a danger to myself.

It doesn't matter.  Everyone will write this off as me having a drunken moment and think that the next day when I don't say anything, that it's over and I'm fine.  No one is going to see this for what I'm trying to say.

For what I don't know how to say.

Fuck it.  I'm going to bed.

Do that frosty thing.

I honestly think I'm about to have one of those breaks that causes severe turmoil.

I usually can see them coming and usually something happens between them arriving and me seeing them that helps me derail them but I don't see any side roads that a possible help venue might interceede.  All I see is straight road and my nervous breakdown coming full speed.

So for a week now, I have been texting and calling my ex to find out when he's going to bring the kids back.  I get sent to voicemail and my texts and voicemails are going unanswered.  LIke he is full on ignoring me at the moment.

On top of that, my mom has been asking me for two weeks when the kids are coming home and Sunday when she asked I was in a rush, I was running late to work, and I was tired so what came out of my mouth was probably something that should have stayed in my head. "I don't know, mom, that's a question you should be asking Randy, not me."  Then she made a comment about school supplies and again, something that was much safer wandering around in my head found the mouth door and I said "I'm not a total disgrace of a mom, I got school supplies."  As if that shit cake doesn't have enough layers then she laid in about the uniforms again.  For the five hundred and ninety seventh time I told her, Olivia will wear the green shirts that Kayla wore two years ago and that Jovaughn wore two years before that.  What iI got again was, "Olivia is not going to want to wear that." and "She always gets hand me downs."

First of all, I may sound like a horrible parent here but I don't honestly give a good goddamn what Olivia wants to wear.  It's a school uniform for Chrissake. Yes, I know they will be big on her but right now she will either wear them or wear them.  These are her only two options until I can get to a store to buy her more.  As for her always getting hand me downs.  She's the last child in a set of three.  This is her lot in life as it is for all youngest children.  At some point in their lives more than half of their clothing was worn by someone else. and considering I have to buy a new fucking color every school year because Ranson Middle would rather color code their students than learn them damn names I don't see why I should break my already cracked and leaking bank on brand new shirts that will have nobody to wear them after this school year is over.  So forgive me if I don't give a crap what she wants to wear.

So last night, I came home and for the second day in a row my house smelled like someone took a massive shit and didn't flush and I was determined to find the smell this time.  My nose led me to the garage where I discovered that when I went in the chest freezer on the 11th to give my mom food because she had none, I didn't close the lid.  Yesterday was the 18th.  For a solid week now, the freezer has been open.  Over $100 in food has been molding and rotting for a week.  This was the smell.  So I closed the lid, taped the bitch shut and aired the garage.  Since it's a chest freezer that was third hand when I got it, and this was my fault and my fault only, I chalked it up to a simple careless mistake perpetrated by Dammit Dette and went to look up new chest freezers online.  I was totally not worried about it of the loss of food that had probably been frozen well past it's sell by date anyway.  Why cry over spilt milk, you know?

I still hadn't drained the bullshit tolerance pool when I talked to my mom again last night.  I probably should have.  It has gotten to where if I don't call her, she posts it on my facebook for EVERYONE to see usually in the form of "Where are you? Why haven't you called me?" Gee thanks for making everyone on Facebook think I never call my mom.  I speak to you once or twice A DAY forgive me if that once or twice wasn't on your time.  I have a job now I can't use my phone at work and I try not to use it driving and these days, I'm kinda doing one, either, or both at the same time.  When I get home I usually have enough thought in my head to lock the door and set the alarm before I pass out in my bed.

But I digress... Like I was saying, I didn't drain the bullshit tolerance pool before I called her last night and she informed me that she had called Randy and surprise surprise he picked up the phone for her.  And they had a very lengthy conversation.  He even told her that he was planning to bring the kids back on Saturday.  I work on Saturday from one to ten.  He either needs to be here before twelve or after ten.  But he doesn't call me and hasn't called me so he doesn't know this.  My mother then suggested in that "i know how to run your life better than you do because you're acting like a toddler" voice that maybe I should call him and let him know my hours.

Yeah cause calling and texting him has been working so well for me for the past week.

Again, I should have drained the bullshit tolerance pool because thing that should stay in my head began to come out of my mouth like telling her that she comes off as trying to run my life at times and that at times, she acts like I'm still a child.  This got me a lecture on being an adult.  Because I won't call Randy and volunteer my schedule. He purposefully sends me to voicemail because I "Cause drama and he ignores people who cause drama" (This is what he actually told my mother)  I called bull shit on that and the flag was thrown in my face.  Some more yelling was screamed and then she said "I'm not telling you that you are acting like a child but you are acting like an asshole.  Goodnight." and BOOM.  she hung up on me.  Whoever said that you can't tell when someone slams the phone down because all cordless phones have an END button was very very wrong.  I could feel her punch that end button like she was slapping me in the face, which she probably wanted to at that moment.

Am I wrong?  Why do I have to be the adult here?  And is it really being childish if I don't feel like calling him again to tell him that I won't be here Saturday when he hasn't even bothered to even send a text and tell me he's going to be here?  I mean for fucks sake he told my mom because his balls aren't big enough to call me.  Or text me.  Hell he could even email it to me.  But I'm not being adult?

Man fuck this.  I'm done.  Like I said, I don't see a detour between my oncoming nervous breakdown and now.  So those of you that know me in real life.  If you see my pulling away from you, this is your warning.  I can't handle anything more right now.  And I would rather no one else get hurt in the atomic blast that's about to make landfall.

I want a cigarette right now.  I kinda need one.  My e-cig isn't doing jack shit.

I have to go to work.  I have to pretend to be normal because I need my job.

Tonight is going to so hard I don't think I'm going to make it through it.  Stay tuned, bloggers.  This may actually be the night I get fired from my dream job.

This is getting really tiring...

I don't know.  Maybe I need to get laid and then I will stop being overly emotional.  Maybe if I release whatever it is that released when you get some, I will regain my ability to be a level headed person again.

I want to scream one thousand cusses right now into the wind and not stop until I have no breath left in my body.  Why must men be so damned infuriating?  They are forever complaining that they don't understand women but the truth is, we're not the hard ones to figure out.  Men are WAY more complex than women are.

I want so bad for this not to be another blog about how my ex is pissing me off.  There's about a hundred of those running through my mind right now and I need to deal with that.  There's a lot of crap running around my brain right now but I can't put it here because like shitting in the wind, it'll come back and land right in my face. I know it will.

I'm sitting here fighting off tears because life is so hard right now.  There are so many demand on my time and not very many of them are mine.  This past Saturday was probably the most fun I have had in months because I got to do something for me.  It'll be a cold day in Neverland before that happens again.

I had two things that I wanted to do this month.  Just two.  I wanted to go see Thor and I wanted to go see The hunger Games.  I've missed my chance with Thor.  And I can already tell I'm not going to get to see the Hunger Games.  At least not on opening day.  I did get Saturday and I had hella fun but think about it.  I had two small things that I wanted to do for me this month and they have to go out of the window in favor of someone else's plans.

I got some disheartening news yesterday about something that's had me questioning a few things.  One of them being should I have ever left New Jersey.  Sometimes I'm not so sure.  My son doesn't love me enough to pretend I exist unless it's a blue moon.  So that's the same as when I was there.  My love life is about the same.  No one gave a damn about me in the dating circle in NJ and No one give a damn about me here.  My friends still love me no matter where I go so there's that.

Sigh... I'm just so tired of being treated like everyone doormat.  So tired of being treated like I don't matter unless I'm needed.  So tired... So freaking tired.

I'm turning into a used up, dried up old prune and no one seems to care.  I'm screaming out for just a little relief and everyone is so busy with what they need from me or want from me or can get from me that no one hears me.

I'm 34 years old and I feel like I'm 50+.  I can honestly see why no man wants me.  What man my age wants someone who is so old in the inside?

I can't have any more kids.  At least not naturally and sometimes I'm not sure if I want to do it again at this stage in the game.  Five years ago when I was still 29 maybe.  I have 6 years, one month and two days until my youngest is 18.  I have hit the home stretch and everyone says I'm going to have empty nest syndrome like crazy but I don't think I will.  In six years, one month and two days from today's date this will be absolutely nothing holding me to this spot and... and... and...

I'm still going to be sitting right here being the good girl, making no waves, making no loud noises, hoping that someone will come along and notice me.  Sitting here in my polished shoes, and pretty white pinafore dress with my hair done up really nicely, wearing a big smile.  That'll be me.

Oh, my dad is in the hospital again.  Not good.

We may not have always gotten along, but god, I don't want to lose my Daddy.  I'm not ready to lose my Daddy...

...

So frustrated

...I can't even begin to describe how frustrated I am right now.

I want to go and scream and cry and punch things right now.

This is why I don't trust men.  You let them get close to you and even think that you can be friends with them and they always, always, ALWAYS managed to hit the flush button and let everything go down the shitter.

So, I guess I need to take a step back from my anger and frustration to explain to the absolute zero people that read this why I am so pissed off.

My ex, Randy, told the girls that instead of bringing them out for Christmas in New Mexico, he was coming out here and he was bringing my son Jovaughn.  Well the girls got excited, I got excited, and after six months of not seeing the boy and rarely hearing from him, my mother got excited.  The girls told mostly all of Charlotte that their daddy and their brother were coming here for Christmas.  My mother told the church and that probably spread it to the rest of Charlotte.

so a lot of people are excited that if nothing else, Jovaughn is coming.

I hate when I get texts from my ex asking if I'm at home.  That never means good news.  And when I got that text this afternoon, I was sure he was just calling me with travel details but he wasn't.

He was calling to tell me he might not make it here because he is trying to book his flight and all he can find is going to cost him almost a grand to get he and my son out here.  Instead he proposes that he take the boy out of school for a couple of days for his other son's birthday and take a few days out here.  By spend a few days out here, I mean that he'll spend a couple days with the boy and then come down here on a school day, bother me for a few hours and then when the kids get out of school, he'll spend a few hours with them and fly out that night.

I don't know how my mother did it all those years, have to explain to me that I wasn't going to get to see my dad and not do it with tears in her eyes or streaming down her face because she was so frustrated.  I mean she didn't have to do it very long but that's probably because I grew up and got a little desensitized as children are wont to do.  Just... still...

I must confess there has been a pause here.  I started typing this blog at about 3:30 and it's now 6:10.

He called back and caught me at a very unladylike moment at day.  I'm sorry to say that all of the things that had been running at top speed through my mind bumrushed the roadblock and fell out of my mouth.  The cusses and the curses on his immortal soul were nice enough to hang back to eye the destruction.  And having said nothing that I would need to go to church and confess even though I'm not Catholic, I was able to tell him that if I didn't hang up we would both regret the conversation so that was it, I was done, and he could call the girls and tell them himself.

He still has yet to call and tell them that he's not coming.  Of course he hasn't swung the official hammer on that, but I know it's coming.  It has to be coming.  Trust me, when one shoe flies across the room because of him, the other one is usually not very far behind so if you're gonna duck, better stay down.

So even though it's ebbed and abated, that's my anger and frustration.

As I've ended a great many of my blogs...

Le Sigh....

Sigh... When a friend betrays you it really hurts...

You know I really thought that I had gotten this off my mind when I put it as my status a couple of weeks ago... But no matter what I do, I can't shake the thought that until she knows what she did to me, the offending person and her act of unfriendship will continue to affect me...

So a couple of weeks ago, My mom calls me and says, Did you know that Andrea is pregnant?  I responded no but then I had taken her off my Facebook last October.  Whether she knew or cared that I had was beyond me.  I remember posting that my mom had just told me my best friend of twenty plus years was sixteen weeks pregnant on my Facebook and I truly thought that I would be able to forget it.

But I can't.

Okay, fine, you either don't know or don't care that I deleted you from my Facebook.  You never thought of me after I moved, and after you called me out on Facebook for deleting a post that you had commented on thinking that I deleted it because you disagreed with me, when in reality I deleted it because I was foul mouthed in the original comment and retrospect caused me to realize that it was uncalled for.  And You didn't seem to care when I began to delete the "friends" you introduced me to that never ever talked to me or even said hello.

But we were friends for 22 years and you didn't even bother to text me and tell me that you were pregnant?!?  Seriously??  That's like walking up to me under pretense of hugging me and then planting a knife right into my heart.  I could forgive and even try to forget that you blocked me from seeing pictures that I was in on your Facebook and that for a month I was stuck looking at your info page because you had blocked me from seeing any of your posts, but disregarding a 22 year friendship and not even telling me that you were expecting.  Low blow.

Regardless of the status of our online friendship, I would have never done that to you.  It was wrong, it was crass, and above all, now I know that we aren't even friends anymore.

Very well, I can take a very unsubtle hint when it's thrust in my face.  You chose your brand new non colored friends over our childhood friendship and relegated me to that dusty corner of your basement that never gets looked at.  Your actions just told me that what I thought was our friendship is officially over.

Whew!  Got that out of my system.  The question is, since I KNOW she doesn't read my blog, should I email this to her (A cleaner less acerbic version of course) or should I let this be the end of it.  And never think of her again and let her keep thinking that I'm still the ever patient Claudette sitting there waiting for her to notice me?

Sigh...

The sad thing is, IF my senior class ever has a 20 year reunion, I would want to go and she might be there as well.  I tend to hold onto things like this and stick them in my hair so that the ire never goes away.  What would I do if she came up to me and hugged me?  Would I hug her back and smile in her face or would I knock her away and treat her as badly as she's treated me?  I guess time will tell really.

Hopefully now that I've blogged about it, I can forget it and move on.

I really hope I can forget her the way she has me... But dammit 22 yrs of friendship meant something to me.  Obviously more than it did to her so it hurts so bad it's almost a physical hurt...

Sigh...