So frustrated

...I can't even begin to describe how frustrated I am right now.

I want to go and scream and cry and punch things right now.

This is why I don't trust men.  You let them get close to you and even think that you can be friends with them and they always, always, ALWAYS managed to hit the flush button and let everything go down the shitter.

So, I guess I need to take a step back from my anger and frustration to explain to the absolute zero people that read this why I am so pissed off.

My ex, Randy, told the girls that instead of bringing them out for Christmas in New Mexico, he was coming out here and he was bringing my son Jovaughn.  Well the girls got excited, I got excited, and after six months of not seeing the boy and rarely hearing from him, my mother got excited.  The girls told mostly all of Charlotte that their daddy and their brother were coming here for Christmas.  My mother told the church and that probably spread it to the rest of Charlotte.

so a lot of people are excited that if nothing else, Jovaughn is coming.

I hate when I get texts from my ex asking if I'm at home.  That never means good news.  And when I got that text this afternoon, I was sure he was just calling me with travel details but he wasn't.

He was calling to tell me he might not make it here because he is trying to book his flight and all he can find is going to cost him almost a grand to get he and my son out here.  Instead he proposes that he take the boy out of school for a couple of days for his other son's birthday and take a few days out here.  By spend a few days out here, I mean that he'll spend a couple days with the boy and then come down here on a school day, bother me for a few hours and then when the kids get out of school, he'll spend a few hours with them and fly out that night.

I don't know how my mother did it all those years, have to explain to me that I wasn't going to get to see my dad and not do it with tears in her eyes or streaming down her face because she was so frustrated.  I mean she didn't have to do it very long but that's probably because I grew up and got a little desensitized as children are wont to do.  Just... still...

I must confess there has been a pause here.  I started typing this blog at about 3:30 and it's now 6:10.

He called back and caught me at a very unladylike moment at day.  I'm sorry to say that all of the things that had been running at top speed through my mind bumrushed the roadblock and fell out of my mouth.  The cusses and the curses on his immortal soul were nice enough to hang back to eye the destruction.  And having said nothing that I would need to go to church and confess even though I'm not Catholic, I was able to tell him that if I didn't hang up we would both regret the conversation so that was it, I was done, and he could call the girls and tell them himself.

He still has yet to call and tell them that he's not coming.  Of course he hasn't swung the official hammer on that, but I know it's coming.  It has to be coming.  Trust me, when one shoe flies across the room because of him, the other one is usually not very far behind so if you're gonna duck, better stay down.

So even though it's ebbed and abated, that's my anger and frustration.

As I've ended a great many of my blogs...

Le Sigh....