I mean really... I just wanna say Fuck it and keep on trucking.
Christmas was great, Thanksgiving was good. But the New Year? The New Year always sucks. Every year. Every single effing year.
Even when I'm with my friends on New Years because they have SO's (Significant others) so they have someone to kiss at midnight. Not even when I was married did I have anyone to kiss. Randy always chose to have 24 hour duty that night and if he didn't he went out with his friends because we were usually in the North. Upon reflection I realize he was probably with the horse most of those years but still...
NEver once have I gotten the midnight kiss. And it sucks. I get the 12:02 kiss because someone looked over and realized that I was sitting there in the corner looking like I was going to cry. But never the midnight kiss.
It's kind of like always being the bridesmaid and never the bride.
Did I forget the warning that this is going to be one of those blogs where I whine? It is. I'm going to. This is your only warning.
I have never enjoyed the new year. I'm always single and watching my friends be happy. It's kinda like every other day except that this is the day where it's socially acceptable to be pised drunk and blame the inevitable crying on the masses of alcohol in your body.
So the majority of this year has been spent really wanting to be with one guy. It's a guy that I work with and really really like although sometimes I don't know why. He's smart, he's funny, and he's handsome. (Well I think he;s handsome. NO one else seems to think this.)
I went out with him once and we spent the summer talking about then I fucked up royally and let my nager get the best of me and did something really stupid. And I lost him.
He and I have just started talking again and I invited him over for new years partly because I still like him and partly because I really don't want to be alone at midnight. I am totally willing to sit and watch tv with him JUST so I won't have to be alone.
But three people know that I invited him and two of those three people said in the flattest voice I have ever heard "He's not going to come. He might say he will but he won't"
Just once I would like to live in one of those worlds where your friends actually help you get the guy. They talk you up and try to get him to see that you would be good for him. They try to make him see that giving you a chance would be a good thing. They urge him to ask you out.
But no, I live in the real world where people are brutally honest with me and tell me that no matter how hard I try he's never going to like me that way and I'm wasting my time. I live in the real world where none of them notice how much their brutal honesty makes me cry and how shitty it makes me feel that once again I have feelings for a guy that not only doesn't seem to like me but that they find unacceptable
And God himself help me (or them) if one more person tells me that they think I can do better.
If I can do so much better then where the fuck is the guy that I can do so much better with? Huh? Where? MAybe you guys should find him for me because obviously I can't. His GPS seems to be broken.
Just once can I have someone that I want? Is that so hard to ask of life. Of Fate, of God? Of whomever is in charge of such things? Am I really supposed to live in a constant state of wanting to lock myself in a closet instead of watching people I love be happy because them being happy only makes me that much more miserable because I have no one to be happy with???
I'm thirty fuck five and I have nothing to show for it except grey hair and three teenagers.
Don't say it! I KNOW my kids are awesome and fantastic and all of that but I want love.
How am I so wrong to want that? How am I so wrong to want that one guy that sees me and smiles? That one guy that drops a kiss on my forehead just because. That one guy that when we leave the room leans down a drops a peck on me just because? How am I so damn wrong to want that?
Man, fuck the new year. And fuck new years resolutions. They never happen.
I woke up this morning crying. I've been crying for the last four hours. I've also been drinking water because God forbid I go into an asthma attack because dehydration or some stupid shit because of crying. I need to stop crying because I have to go to work in a few hours where I have to pretend to be a sane human being and not cry. Not that it's going to matter because everyone there is so damn happy with their lives that not one of them really notice that mast days I want to jump off a fucking water tower. I guess I'm that good at making people think I'm happy.
Maybe I should be an actress. I seem to be good at it. No one outside of the maybe two people in the world that read this know that I tend to wake up crying and go to bed crying.
Next year I will turn 36. I have no desire to see this day. I would rather walk into traffic tonight than see this next year.
Sometimes I wonder if I was to just fall down dead would anyone but my mother and kids care? And would even my kids care since now that live in the world of ipods and tablets and cell phones?
One should definitely not blog when one has had nothing but water to drink. Especially when said water never seems to make it to her bladder because it keeps falling out of her eyes. One should realize that she lives in the real world where he friends will always tell her that the guy she likes is never going want her. One should really stop referring to herself as one.
Fuck the fucking new year. Fuck it all. Fuck Fuck Fuckity fucker fucking fuck.
I need another cup of water, I think I have finished crying out the last one...
