December 27, 2023

 SO it's been a few days since I last posted.  I didn't forget, I just wasn't interested in sitting at my computer...

Ive lost count of how any days off Facebook It's been but I still don't miss it and I'm kinda wondering if I'm even going to go back.  It just seems like a big bother.  I'm neither happier or sadder... I just am.

Now onto news.  

Christmas happened.  You know that song that goes Beas greens potatoes tomatoes etc?  Yeh, that was my house. we had:

• Baked Turkey
• Baked Chicken
• Grilled/baked ribs
• Ham
• Sweet potato pie
• apple pie
• Collard greens
• baked potatoes
• mashed potatoes
• caramel cakeYellow cake (mine)
• cornbread
• rolls

I honestly feel like I'm leaving something out but we had a lot... and very little left over.  You know how Jonny Depp keeps asking why the rums gone in POC?  That was me..... Why's the food gone?  But we had a lot of people over.  And three people got to go plates.  Auntie pat came.  It was a great night.  We had a lot of fun.  And the next day, the sky fell down.

No like.. literally.  We got over five inches of rain.  Belmont is STILL under a flood warning because their sewer system sucks.  Its been a whole day of not rain and the water in the river that separates Belmont from Charlotte that was dangerously low is touching the bottom of the damn bridge.  There's a dip in the road near Sam Wilson Road on Wilkinson and that shit was a lake.  Im not even kidding.  There's a whole ass pipe that supposed to drain all that water from this very recognized dip into like this valley but did it do its job?  Nope.  At some point it did because the road drained but I think that's because someone came and did it manually.

I feel sorry for the homeless because dude, every single place that the cops normally don't bother them was ad partially still is under water or so wet it's marshland.

I wish I was kidding.

Side note, I'm watching Frozen for like the nine hundredth time... Did no one notice that they just left Kristoff and Sven at the lake?  Like uhm... sirs... you bought a kid with you and said child was not with you when you got home.... maybe start a search...?

Anyway.  In other news, my mother was right again.  And I hate it.

So the heat has been slowly diminishing in my car for like three months.  Maybe more. At first it wasn't a big deal because I live in North Carolina.  It's like perpetually warm.  If you can get past the winter months first thing in the morning, it's pretty much hot by noon.  So yeah it was a concern but not a big one.  Then it was only hot when I was going 85 mph down the highway, and the these last two or three weeks, I have had nothing but cold air.  Not even warm enough to do Lyft, so I've been doing door dash.  At least the only person catching pneumonia in my car is me.

We're up here googling like we know what the fuck we're looking at and come up with like four things it could be.  And we figured it was the midrange price wise thing and we were prepared to get car shield and all that and put my car in for servicing.  I got hoodies and padded leggings for Christmas so that I could keep working and not catch my death of cold.  Then out of nowhere, not only do I not have heat, this fucker wants to randomly start overheating.  Not all the time and really for like two minutes every four days.  And Mommy, again OUT OF NOWHERE says, go get a ting of coolant and put in your car.  The first day, I ignored her, the next day I fobbed her off, the third time she mentioned it, I flat out lied that I went and got it and put it in.  Tonight, this damn hunk of wheels and bolts does the bing bing bing overheating song and I'm like, I'm right here at Walmart, let me get this damn coolant.

Y'all, my coolant reservoir was so damn dry that shit had COBWEBS.  I quite literally heard my car go AHHHHH when I filled the reservoir.

And then I turned the car on and do you know that raggedy piece of wheels nuts and bolts had fucking heat???  Like, I'm sitting here in padded leggings, a long sleeve shirt and an extra plush hoodie burning the fuck up because now my car wants to work like a functioning car and I'm like oh no you didn't.

SO then I had to fess up to my mom.  She's like I'm gonna beat you.

Fun fact. I don't have to outrun my mom anymore... I just have to go two feet farther than her oxygen hose and she just put the short one back on because the long one was getting tangled.  So I basically just have to get past the living room and Im home free unless she chucks that one, gets to the laundry room, and puts THAT oxygen on.  If she can do that, I'm screwed unless I can get around her and get back to the other side of the house.  I figure it, I can do that, after getting down to my end of the house and getting back to her end, she'll give up.

I'm evil.

Oh!  I almost forgot the most important part. WE GOT A PUPPY!!!!!

I was doing door dash and I got an order for the PetsMart right down from the house and I was like I really don't wanna do a dash in gastonia but it was nine bucks so I took it.  I get there and the worker lady is outside holding this whining ball of black fur with the most adorable eyes you've ever seen and I'm like can I just hold him.  She says yes but before she can actually hand him over, little man jumps out of her arms and into mine like Pikachu, I choose you! Licks ensued.  

His name is Vishous Rhage But we call him Rhage.  He's named after my two favorite Brothers from the Black Dagger Brotherhood.  Petsmart says he's a pitta lab mix but the way he howls id say he has some husky in him.  But get this.  Someone dumped him in the bushes.  That's how he came to be at petsmart. I hope they burn in hell.  This little guy is on'y about 5-6 weeks and he's as big now as Luna was when she was six months old.  He's gonna be a big dog.

HE's not even my dog.  I wanted him to be my dog but he's Livy's dog.  All the animals in the world belong to Livy.  It's fine.  It's totally fine.

Okay well, that's all my news.  And I'm tired so I'm gonna call it a night.

Night loves!!

December 17, 2023

 I didn't do jack shit today.

I mean, I did my nails and watched Wonder Woman.  Did a load of laundry then made pancakes and bacon for dinner.

Took a shit.

That literally sums up my day.

Oh! I watched the first season of the First Wives Club on Netflix.  Love me some Jill Scott.  Have since she whacked that uppity shit in the back of the head with the bottle in Why did I get married. Michelle Banteau is kinda funny too. She hosts the Circle on Netflix and she was the MC in that survival of the thickest I watched last ... well I was gonna say last week but that was like four days ago.

Shit.

The baby turns 22 in a day. 

Yes.  Yes 22 is still playing relentlessly in my head.

The middle minion is on the train. At this precise moment, she's in Greensboro NC.  112 miles away.  I briefly toyed with staying up to go get her from the train station but that'll be at three am. I love my child but I need Amtrak to do better. I took that very same train down to Charlotte from NJ 26... oh god old moment... years ago and I remember damn well that that train got in at a reasonable hour but now 26...oh god damn I feel old... years later that bitch wanna roll in like a WYD booty call at three am... DO  BETTER. AMTRAK!

I'm doing pretty good at remembering to do this every night.  

Why does Netflix pretend like that twatwaffle Meghan Markle is the reason Suits was popular??  Ugh... I can't stand her and Cuntmilla. Now watch me finally be able to move to England and be one of her loyal subjects. Snort.

My head hurts.  I'm about to fall in to bed and give my pillow some head.

Snort... like I remember how to give head.  It's been way too long.

I think I need therapy y'all.  I'm cracking up. Well not that's not true I was cracked years ago. Now I'm broken and laughing at my own bad jokes.

Snort!

Groan.  Help me

Also I think my keyboard is dying. Poop.

Okay, I'm really signing off now.  Night!

December 16, 2023

 Is this Day three of Facecrack?  I've kinda lost count.  I don't wake up and it's the first thing I check.  One person outside from the six I've told has noticed.  They texted me and asked if I'd blocked them.  I don't block anyone.  Well, that's not entirely true but you have to do a lot for me to click that button.

Had a very interesting Lyft night.

Also had my first contract violation with them but it was taken off pretty quickly.  I went to go pick up a Lyft ride in Gastonia and the older lady, her son, Daughter, and grandson get in the car.  Now, my screen says I'm picking them up taking them just outside of McAdenville and taking them home.  Before I can even question how asinine that sounds to me, the older woman says to one of the younger adults that they're going to have to wake up the grandson because he's going to miss the lights.  Big honking screeching sound in my heads.  Wait a minute.... Your stop is the McAdenville lights???  And she says yes.  With a dead ass straight face this ditzy ass white woman looks me in the eye and tells me that they've books a Lyft to go through McAdenville to see the lights.  I told her no and that I was cancelling the ride.  Now the young man, (I'm assuming was her son in law because the girl looked a bit ike her and had the same clueless why is this lady mad face as her mother.) looks like he wants to say "see, I told you this was a shitty idea."  and he starts to get back out holding the still thankfully sleeping little boy.  Mom is angry.  Why won't I take them to see the lights?

Now if it had been a Monday thru Thursday I would probably have not had as big a deal with this run but Saturday night at 7 pm, the line just to get into McAdenville is about a one to two hour wait.  Then you can't really get through it speedily because the normal 25 mph speed limit is kinda reduced to like 2 because people want to see everything.  So picking them up at 7, we might have gotten into the lights around 8 maybe 8:30 gotten through them by 8:45-9:15 and then back to the house.  So looking at a minimum of about two hours with this family in my car.

For $13.09.  Oh no, you don't need to go back and read that again.  The whole trip would have paid me $13.09.  See when you add a stop to a Lyft, I'm supposed to get there, wait up to 5 minutes and then continue on.  If this had been a normal Lyft that whole trip might have taken 20 minutes but nooooooo they want to catch a Lyft to see the lights.  Not a Lyft to get out and walk the lights and call a Lyft on the other side, not they wanted me to take them through the lights.  No. No.  Nah.  Hell no.

She called Lyft and complained.  But I beat her to the punch because the moment I drove off I was on the phone with customer service and they guy was like why did you cancel the stop was approximately five or somewhat miles from the start and destination.  While he's talking to me, her complaint comes through.  She emailed it in.  She told them I flat out refused to take them anywhere.  I don't think she gave a reason just that I refused.  So now, I'm explaining to the operator and the very best thing I can tell him is of he had google he'd understand.  But I did tell him that they didn't want an actual stop stop, she wanted her "stop" to be going through this three miles town at two freaking miles per hour.  Now I don't know if he googled it or what but he put me on hold and came back less than two minutes later and said not to worry about it, they were going to handle this and it wouldn't affect me.

Also, not sure if I mentioned it last night, but my heat is busted in my car so Mommy bought me a little dashboard heater.  It was working really well, and then it wasn't.  I thought I blew a fuse because the whole cigarette outlet is toast now.  I stopped by Auto Zone today and pulled the "Im a woman and only know that car go zoom" face and he went in and got the fuse only to show me that it wasn't blown.  So now I have a way bigger problem.  Yay.

I really need my night meds to kick in.  Toodles for the night, I'm going to lay down.

December 15, 2023

 Day 2 without Facebook.

You'd think since I preface every blog with my days off Facebook count that I care but I'm finding that I don't really care for the book of Faces.  And with that comes this odd calm of not seeing people deliriously happy and at the Christmas parties no one ever invites me to.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have a Christmas party but then I don't think I should.  I go all Donna Reed when I'm in charge of entertaining.  It's pretty for you, but so not pretty for me.  For me, it involves a lot of very spastic movements.  Maybe a lot of yelling and a few tears... 

I went lifting today.  I like Lyfting way more than Dashing.  I don't have to do anything except drive.  True I get the odd stinky person but that's why they make glade air freshener oil.  I just have to remember that one pump will do it.  Two is pushing it and three I have to put down all the windows.  I will not be lifting at Christmas though.  Oh hell no.  I did that at Thanksgiving and oh my lord the airport was a nightmare straight out of M Night Shamalan. People were actually getting out of cabs and walking to the entrance.  If they'd have staying in the cabs a lot of traffic might have been managed but then Charlotte drivers don't know how to queue correctly.  They never have.  

I am going to DD around Christmas and probably Christmas Eve because they have been giving super huge tips and I just ordered my Catering bag so hopefully I'll get orders that make the bending and lifting and climbing of stairs worth it again.  I probably never should have ventured into Lyft.  I would never know how much more I like it.  But I guess that's life.  Always finding new ways to live it.

Had a ride all the way from Albermarle road up by Lawyers road all the way to Stanley today.  An hour and a half in the car with this guy that was a tire mechanic and smelled like it.  Not a bad smell, per se just not a smell I would volunteer to smell for that long.

I don't really have much to say tonight.  I'm actually rather tired.  Ive already turned on the heated blanket that keeps my bed nice and sweltering.   It should be toasty hot by now.

So goodnight.  Sleep tight!

Day 1 without Facebook.

 Well blogland, I deactivated my Facebook last night.

Admittedly I did it in the midst of the beginning of my seasonal breakdown and I was crying and as I always do, I just wanted to run away.  I think deactivating Facebook is the adult version of running away.

The problem is, Facebook or rather, Meta owns so damn much that it's next to impossible to log into stuff once you shut down your account.  Like every turn leads to reactivating the bitch so you can't really run away.

I get sucked into this black hole every yearend I'm never able to fully pull myself to the edge until after the Valentines Candy is sold out and all the lovely doves shit is over.

For the 16th yearn a row, when the clock strikes midnight into the new year I will be alone.  Nearly everyone I now will have someone to kiss and I will not.  For God knows how many years in a row, I will have no-one that thinks of me on Valentines day.  No one to send me a card or kiss my cheek and tell me they love me.  

Because no one loves me.

I have to sit here in my room every night and watch people meet that special someone, brag about how happy they are, post pictures of them together, get engaged and eventually married and they play all this out on  Facebook for everyone to see and then either don't get that some of their friends look at that stuff (because we can't avoid it) and want to go cop squat in traffic. It's not that I don't want them to be happy.  I really love that they're happy.  Just want to be that happy.  Just once in my life.  

I was married but I was never happy.  Randy didn't want to be married and he made me feel every bit of his anger at being married.  Every single day.  I was never happy in my marriage and neither was he.  Th difference is that he went out and he found Gabi and they are happy. He's finally happy and I'm still sitting here in the fall out shelter that's become my life.

Do you know that I haven't been invited to a holiday party in years.  Every year I see people post pictures of their parties and I might lie them or comment that it looks like they had fun and they inevitably come back and say "You should come next year!"  I would freaking love to come but I only find out you had a party the day after.   Stop telling me I should come next year if you never tell me when the fucking party is!  That just tells me that you don't want me there in the first fucking place.  I have never once been invited to a Halloween party, a Friendsgiving, or a Christmas party. Not even a New Years party.

I'm 44 years old and I have never once been see to a holiday party. Not even a 4th of July party.  I had a birthday party thrown for me once but it wasn't really a party for me.  I mean only two people talked to me the whole night.  At my party.  That felt great.

I finished Survival of the Thickest on Netflix yesterday.Good show but it made me realize that I'm simply not fat enough.  You can have love if you are a twig. And you can find love if you are big as a Macy's day parade float. But if you are only mildly big, you don't get love.  You get backaches and headaches and wanting to crawl into traffic on a major highway blindfolded.

And don't try to lose the weight  so you can be a skinny mini because being big and beautiful is so in right now.  It's hot.  For years we lived with the barbie thin models and now, the big girls are taking over. But not the little big girl, just the big big girls.  They're the only ones that are beautiful enough to be happy in their skin.

I swear if I were more religious, I would join a silent convent.  Never speak to anyone ever again.  Won't have to worry about parties.  Won't care about being left out.

What a crock.

Sixteen years I've been feeling like this.  My marriage sucked warm donkey balls in the desert sun but I would have rather been miserable WITH a husband than miserable knowing I failed at marriage.  Just like my parents.

I thin that's what it comes down to honestly.  All my life I've wanted to be someones loving wife.  I'm not lying when I tell you that I really had no other when I grow up goals besides being married and growing old with him.  No princess, not anything remotely feasible.  I only ever wanted to be the someone that he came home to night. I only really ever wanted to be the someone that kissed him as he left for work and kept the house.

Which is odd because I kinda suck at housekeeping.  Well not not really I don't, I just have no one that I will ever bring back to mine so why clean it up.

When I think of all the boys I had crushes on in my life I feel like I didn't even know who the girl that liked them was.  And some of those guys are just straight assholes.

Like Ben Brody. That little fuckface with the gimpy thumb.  I was in love with him his senior year and he ignored the ever loving fuck out of me.  I saw him after I was grown and married.  Randy and I were at Atlantic City and I introduced him and do you know that that that maggoty fat fuck had the nerve to look at Randy with pity like "Oh man you married her? I feel for you man."  I had a crush on Chuck Egan.  He like some skinny brunette.  BE he's still good peeps.  There was Jason Ambrose.  No idea where he is now.  Don't really care.  Jason Sadwidth.  I think that was his name.  I know it was Jason.  I really liked him but I was just the goofy friend to him.  The girl with the Swiss rolls that would always share.

Don't boys know that if a chubby black girl shares her Swiss rolls with you, that means she pretty much loves you? I mean come on, we don't come up off of chocolate for just anyone??  Liked a guy named Mered Parnes.  Also Santo Perrotto.  They can both rot in a hell of my choosing. Both of them.  Both of them took big strides to embarrass me to show me just how revolting I was to them.

And then there was the great Donald.  He knew I liked him.  HE even threw me a bone and we slept together but I had a mini mental breakdown because things in my life were going just a lot haywire and he dropped me so damn fast I got whiplash.  It's taken me years say outloud that I dislike him.  I haven't gotten past dislike. Im stuck there.  But I dislike Donald because he used me and let me hang there like stinking rag just waiting for him to have time for me again.

I need to go to bed.  It's a quarter after one... 

And I'm all alone and I need you now.

Sorry my subconscious would have sung that song all night in my dream if I hadn't finished it.

Blog you later.

We never really leave high school...

It's a lesson that I have learned and keep having to re learn over and over again.

The characters never change ever.  The cast yes, but never the characters.  It's rather like Whitney houston and Deborah Cox's song. Same Script; Different Cast.

Usually I play the gullible bank freak outcast that wants desperately to be friends with all the cool people at the expense of her dignity.  The one that always, always, always ends up broken and alone.

I think this time I will play the band geek that already knows the lesson and sits back as the rest of the idiots in the drama play out their parts.

So... The cast of characters:

• The wife... aka the cheerleader
• The Husband... aka that guy, the cool one that every girl wants (Or so he thinks)

Caught up?  Good.

So the band geek became friends with both Th Guy and the The Cheerleader.  In truth, she kinda liked Guy more because he told the truth all the time whether you wanted to hear it or not.  And at one point the band freak was so super horney that she actually flirted with The Guy.  But here's where the drams begins to unfold.  The Guy turned her down and eventually the Freak found what she needed (which was basically a quick fuck somewhere) and she simply settled for The Guy's friendship because as stated before she actually respected him.  Meanwhile the Freak was occasionally hanging out with the Cheerleader but the more she did, the more she realized she was the beard.  The one that covers up.  When the cheerleader wanted to go out and screw the nearest dick, she basically told people she was hanging out with the freak.  When she was truly in trouble and stranded with the dick du jour, the freak did the good friend thing and went to the rescue.

But then the cheerleader slipped up and showed her batshit crazy side.  By this point The Guy had already left and kept trying to make a break but the Cheerleader held things over him.

About a year and half passed and the Freak no longer talks to the Cheerleader but sees The Guy often.  The freak still actually respects The Guy more from getting to know him.  So she actually tells The Guy about the night that the Cheerleader was stranded at the motel with the dick du jour.  Oops!  The Guy, while claiming that he knew the shit that the Cheerleader was in, didn't actually know that.

Damn that Band Freak!

The Guy ran straight to the Cheerleader to tell her what the Band freak said and as predicted, the cheerleader cussed the Band Freak out.

End of Drama.

Screw the names and the tags.  I knew that eventually the word would get to the wife that I told.  After she put a not so veiled Fuck you on facebook, I knew that the extremely long and blown out text was coming.  I figured it would either be a text on my phone or a message on Facebook.  Whichever served the purpose.  She chose text.

OMG I was so relieved.  I could go on with my life.

Except for one thing.

SHE ACTUALLY THINKS I WANT HER HUSBAND.  THAT I WANT HER HUSBAND TO BE MINE.

That's the one thing I can't get over.  Because it seems that the both of them think this.  For some reason they both seem to think that I want a relationship with the Guy.  

The Guy has a certain charm about him.  He demands respect just by being who he is, that it true but the Guy has a serious downfall.  he thinks that women who try to be his friend only are doing so because they want a taste of the guy.  

I want a quick fuck from him in late 2014 maybe early 2015.  After that I wanted nothing but friendship.  But she's worked it up in her mind that betraying her secrets I'm trying to get her out of the picture and put myself in.

I have no words.  I really don't.  I can't for the life of me see how she has held onto this belief for so damn long.  Or how he has.  No matter how many times I go over it in my head I just don't get it.  Maybe I flirt unconsciously when I talk?  Maybe I'm too friendly with men?  Dafuq?!?

So like I said, we never leave high school.  There will always be the one that plays the part of the band freak who just wants friends.  There will always be a plastic little spastic that gets high and fucks anything that can fit in her holes.  There will always be that Guy that thinks if a female is nice to him it must be because she wants him between her legs.  The Cheerleader will always think that every woman wants her man because she is so damn insecure.

To hell with them.  To hell with them all.  Fuck it, I haven't be apart of any band in nearly twenty years so even fuck the Band freak role.  I'm just me and I think I have learned the lesson of high school never ends.

So I'm at the point where if I never speak to either of them again my life will be so awesome.  I realize that since I work with The guy, silence may be difficult but damn if I won't try.

MAn Fuck High School....

Explanation of Silence

So, I’m not sure if anyone on Facebook noticed but for the last few days, I’ve been sorta on the missing in action side.  I guess my reason is that I don’t really have much to say publicly anymore. 

I found out a few weeks ago that I tested positive for Lupus.  A few days later she called back and said no, it wasn’t Lupus but pretty much 24 hours later I was called back and told, yes it is Lupus, they just don’t know what kind. 

Normally this would say to me, Dette, you need to get a second opinion.  But I couldn’t do that because even though my paperwork was refilled in March, Social Services still hadn’t reinstated my Medicaid which, until I can get a better job that comes with health benefits, that’s my only way of seeing a doctor or getting any of my ever growing number of prescriptions.  I have been fighting with Social Services now for months and only yesterday when I could hide behind my dignity and broke down and sobbed in front of pretty much everyone in Freedom Ave. DSS, did anyone do anything.  And before any one of you say it, NO, I did not use tears to get what I needed, I just wasn’t capable of dealing with the form answers that I’ve been getting lately indicating that I’m still getting nowhere.  It was only when I lost pretty much any shred of dignity I had left did anyone understand just how bad off I am right now. 

I can’t do this anymore.  That is simply what this boils down to.  Strange things have been going on with my body for almost a year now yet anytime I try to discuss it with a good number of my friends, it turns into them telling me about what wrong with them.  I have come to hate the phrase, “Yeah, well…” because it has come to ALWAYS without fail, mean “Enough about you, time to put the spotlight on me.”  The sad thing is, I’m not sure that any one of the handful of friends that do it even realize that they do it.  And I’m partially to blame for them not knowing that they do it because I tend to switch right back into supportive friend mode and comfort or just listen.

But lately I haven’t been able to do it.  The voice in my head starts screaming things that I have to hope and pray don’t come out of my mouth so I just don’t put myself in those situations anymore.  I’ve begun to distance myself from everyone.  I come home from work and I drink.  And I mean drink to the point where I used to be the one that my job called when they needed someone to come in and help out but they can’t do that anymore because within twenty minutes of getting home, I am no longer legal to drive.  I wake up, I play my Facebook games, and I get off the computer and I read.  I went back to writing again but I found that every time I did, whatever I was writing began to take on my real life or rather the real life my inner self wants where I blatantly scream, “It’s not about you!”

Believe me or don’t but I have even tried praying but the voice inside of me alternates from “If your friends won’t listen to you, why should God?” to “If there really was a God, why would he let this happen to you?”  This leads me back to drinking because I know there is a God and I know that he cares and he only give you what you can handle even if you feel like it’s crushing you.  So I try to shut the voice up because I was raised by a good Christian woman and loving Church family and I know that God is God.  I am not His only concern here on earth and He did not give me Lupus.

Those of you that think I’ve been shying from them and leaning only towards the man that I’ve been seeing, I can tell you that you too are wrong.  I haven’t said anything to him as well.  As a matter of fact, if he reads this he’s probably going to say WTF because I’ve become such a good hider that I haven’t said anything to him.  The truth is, I don’t want to run him away because he’s one of the few things in my life right now that make walking into traffic look like a really stupid choice meaning, he makes me want to live.  When I’m with him, I smile.  When I talk to him, I smile.  Hell when I think about him, I smile.  I like smiling.  I like feeling happy.  If not telling him about the crap in my life makes the happy continue, I’m going to try hard to keep that.

And I realize that it looks to some like I’m keeping him a secret but what some people, okay a lot of people have to understand is that I’m actually being respectful.  I don’t say his name of put up pictures of us because I’m not sure that we’ve reached that stage.  I’m not sure if he wants that.  He knows that it’s one of my secret desires to be able to say on Facebook that I’m in a relationship with and actually be able to say a name.  I would love more than anything to be able to tag him in my relationship status but I don’t want to alienate him.  I would love to introduce him to my friends but sometimes I feel like the third degree he’d get from them might be worse than an FBI probe and then off he’d go and I’d hate my friends who would unerringly say, “He wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Yes I know I’m a worst case scenario kind of person but most of you know this about me already so whatever.

I’m posting this on my blog because I still don’t feel like going back to Facebook right now.  I just don’t.  I don’t know when I will.  But right now, I need for the voice in my head (Which for better or worse is and has been for awhile now, Meredith Grey) makes some of the comments I want to post turn really nasty and I don’t want to lose any friends because my views aren’t their views which will lead to a debate of why they are right and I am wrong on Facebook, So I’m not bothering.  I’m watching my Facebook slowly degrade into a highly charged political arena with a little God thrown in every now and then.

So yeah, if you wanted to know why I’m silent lately, there’s why.  I can still be reached by messenger and text.  If I don’t respond, I may be at work or just not in the right mind frame to speak.  But I’m here, I’m living.  Don’t worry for me, I’m doing enough of that on my own.  I do love you all, I just have to figure out how to be outside of my own head and shut Meredith up.

Ta.  I’ll be around.

Living with it.

So about a week ago, i went to see a new doctor who leaked, I guess is the word the information that I had tested positive for Lupus in the blood work that my last doctor ordered.  She tried to make it sound like something I should have already known or at the very least something he should have told me himself but when she realized that no one had imparted that information to me she tried a different route by saying that a lot of women test positive but don't actually have it.  That route didn't work as well because the more she looked me over, the more she was convinced that I would not be one of the millions of women with a false positive.  I have way too many of the symptoms.

I have Fatigue that i can't seem to shake some days.  Even if I get eight full hours of uninterrupted sleep I can still feel like my butt is dragging.  Mostly I hide this with coffee and then use the slight caffeine high to look productive but the days when I don't even feel the caffeine, it is unbelievably hard to fake it.  Those are generally the days where I get in trouble because I don't have the energy to keep the things in my head from daytripping out of my mouth...

Joint Pain.  I can call it arthritis all I want.  I can cling to the actual fact that no one is too young to have it but the pain and weakness in my left shoulder that some days prevents me from doing my job or at the very least makes it so hard I want to cry... yeah.  They did an xray.  Inflamed joint not arthritis.

Headaches.  I get them so bad that well... I blank out.  I know someone out there has had a migraine so bad that they feel like if they could just crawl out of your body you'd be fine.  I can tell you first hand, wanting that and experiencing that are two way different things and if you'd ever experienced that, you'd never wish for it again.  It generally comes with a whole body shudder and suddenly for just a moment, the pain is totally gone and you feel like you're floating but not in a good way.  Floating like you're about to fall and hit the ground.  And then you go slamming right back into your body. But here's the kicker... what felt like a few seconds can actually be a good stretch of time.  Livy found me just staring at the wall once.  She said I sat like that perfectly still for ten minutes at least never moved, she said I didn't even blink.  then all of the sudden I shuddered and I blinked and I was back.  I have absolutely no memory of this.

Tonight, I took a good long look in the mirror.  Just to the left of my left eye my skin is turning darker... In the shape of what looks like a crudely drawn butterfly.  Combined with my bright red birthmark it's not exactly pretty.

I'm supposed to call her if I saw this.

The first thing I did when I get home that first night was to google if Lupus could be transmitted sexually.  Thankfully it cannot.  Please don't think I'm saying I think I got this through sex.  That was never my thought.  My thought was could I give it.  Every single source I could find assured me that I cannot give it to him.

But every single souce I can find says that this is going to get bad.  I'm going to have good days, I'm going to have bad days and I'm going to have really shitty beyond words days.  Now that I've finally found someone that I can see a future with can I do that to him?

It's not that I don't think he'd stick around.  Something tells me he would.  But do I want him to see me like that?  Days when I feel like he deserves someone that's not looking at being sick.  Days when I can't even get out of bed because it hurts too much.

Can I do that to him?  I don't think I can.

Part of me wants to just say "Run!  Run far! Run Fast!  Run and remember me the way I am right this moment.  Remember me before you got to see me on days when I can't stay awake for shit.  Run and remember me before you saw me have to crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom because my feet were so swollen and hurting that walking was a wishful dream.(yeah that's happened a few times)  Remember only those times I couldn't walk right because you made my legs like jelly."

And yet Part of me hope he'll stay and hold me and tell me he's not going anywhere.  That those days I can't stay awake, he'll lay beside me.  Those days when pretty much all I can do is lie there with a book, he'll sit or lay there and let me prop the book up on his leg while he plays a video game or watches a movie.

I promised myself that Friday before last was the only day I was going to allow myself to wallow.  If I gonna have to live with this then dammit I'm going to live.  They say God gives you no more than you can carry.  So I guess He has decided I can carry this.

I will not wallow.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will not be upset if I have to do this alone (Total lie by the way but it sounds good)
I will not cry. (Still lying)
I will not WebMd myself into apoplexy thinking this is going to kill me in the next 24 hours. (again total lie)

Most of all, I will never say Fuck my life.  Because aside from  what is fast becoming something I can't ignore, my life is golden right now.  Good job.  Good man.  Awesome sex life.  Did I say good man?  Children who are about to leave the nest.  Really. Awesome. Guy.  Friends that I love.

I'm just gonna sigh.  And go to bed.  Because it's two freaking AM and I should have been sleep hours ago.  Damn Netflix...

Goodnight.

So.... I'm kinda at a loss for words right now...

So we're just gonna skip all the brouhaha about me not blogging for like five months, right?

Good.  I love you too.

So my last post was what? January?  A lot has happened.

So much.

Cannot begin to tell you...  Well yeah I can...

I don't know what happened in January that started to make my life more than I could bear...  Maybe it was that grey hairs started to look like they were outnumbering the black hair or that even when I dyed my hair the grey ones were still peeking through in all their smugness saying, "Haha, we don't die! We multiply!!"  What I do know is that smack in the middle of January I realized that my best wasn't good enough for the goals I had set for myself.  More importantly, other goals that I had set were getting farther and farther away.

This year I will turn 37.  Every New years I make the same resolution.  This will be the year.  It's a blanket resolution that can cover any multitude of things but mostly it covers me being alone.  Okay, not mostly.  Always.

Although this year, New Years had a new twist on it.  I spent it dancing in church and I prayed that this year will be the year.  With a capitol THE.  The year that finally they would see me for what I'm worth at work.  The year that my ex's wife stops thinking of me as the wicked witch of the South that secretly wants her ex husband back.  The year that I would meet someone that made me question if people were right; that I needed to accept myself before I could have feelings for someone else.  The year that for once everything went up instead of up and down.

I actually prayed.  And not a Dear God prayer but more of a talk where I sat there and just talked.  Into thin air?  To Him? To the walls?  I don't know but I talked.

And the middle of January, it came to me.  In order for things to change, I needed to change.  In order for me to change, I needed to take a step back and think about what I wanted to change.

The first thing I looked at was my work life.  I'm not proud to admit it, but I woke up each morning and had a very sad routine.  I got up, I cried in pain because my hands were killing me.  Then I got angry because I was crying and then I cried because I had to do it all over again one more day.  I had to go in and deal with crap that was way above my shit level.  not my pay level, my shit level as in I shouldn't be giving two shits about it.  Customers that knew that they could complain and complain and insult me and say pretty much whatever they wanted to say and all I could do was say "Yes sir/ma'am." and give them free food on top of it.  Drivers that didn't respect me as a shift leader and who thought it was okay to tell me to shut the f up multiple times a day.  And then what honestly felt like the last straw on the Camel's back, the appointment of a new Assistant manager that was about to walk in and take over all that I was doing and get paid more for it.  A child who routinely threatened that if someone acted wrongly he would fire them.  Something that I had on assurance that he couldn't actually do but having to stand there and say nothing every time he said it.

Now don't get me wrong.  He was a nice kid.  He was pleasant enough but a very selfish part of my mind still screamed that he was a kid.  And that very selfish part of my brain was making me resent him.  And resent my boss.  And the latter I couldn't have because she was and is to this day one of my closer friends.  I hid my feelings for most of February.  I guess I did, I'm sure that it was clearly evident how I felt but I honestly didn't care.  So I quit.  I put in my notice and I left.  I left before I hated the place and the people that didn't deserve my hate.

For the first week, I slept.  Slept like I was never going to get out of my bed.  Ohmigod the sleep.  I slept in for the first time in months, I had time to cook for the girls.  I even had time for them to have sleep overs.

And in March, I did something I thought I'd never do.  I took a singular chance and began talking to a man on Tinder.  Like seriously talking.  I gave him my phone number and didn't regret doing so in the slightest.  I met him in person and even though I was scared out of my mind and nervous as hell I found that with him, even that first meeting, I didn't have to try to be anyone.  Being me just happened.

Scared the shit out of me.  Let me tell you.   Did you know that I can be funny?  That given the chance I can smile and make jokes and chat?  Neither did I!  He and I are still talking.  Every day I feel more comfortable with him.  Still scares the crap outta me because this is all new territory but I was able to tell him that which speaks more than it seems.

Can someone who knows the ins and outs of dating please enlighten me on what I am feeling?  I am constantly rethinking over everything I've said and done and wondering "Oh God is he going to chuck me?" But at the same time I wake up thinking about him.  If something happens, he's the first person I want to tell it to.  I don't get that flutter inside when I see him, I feel like... the best way to describe it is... I feel like... like... like I can finally breathe.  It's almost like from the time I leave him to the time I see him again I am taking half breaths but the second I see him and he opens his arms, I can take a deep breath.  That sounds absurd to even me but I think that's the best description of how I feel.  Free enough to breathe deeply.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Another good thing, I've gone back to Howies.  Back with my friends and doing something I love.

And guess what else??!

 Yep, that's right, for the first time ever, I have a new car!!  For the first time ever I also have a car payment but it's low and I earn that in one pay period so I can pay it okay.  I'm still looking for a name for her but I'm leaning toward Mitzi for mitsubishi.   OMG is it fast!!  I look down ad I'm going 60 before I even know it.  I never ever thought that I would love a tiny car but trust me when I tell you Mitzi only LOOKS tiny.  She has so much room on the inside that it's damn near ridiculous!  If i can only figure out how to attach my phone to what appears to be a bluetooth in the car I'd be way happier.   I loved my PT Cruiser but it was getting bothersome.  It started with it stopping on the road.  In the middle of driving it would just cut off.  I had time to coast to a stop in a safe place most of the time.  One particular time I had to think quickly and get to an exit off 77.  That time was scary.  The other times it was just bothersome.  Then it went months without doing it and I thought oh awesome!  It's grown out of that particular problem.  But then it started to overheat.  I was told that a radiator flush would take care of that problem so I paid seventy dollars for a radiator flush.  I sat there and watched the mechanic run water through it until it came out clean but still less than a mile down the road it over heated again.  I came home, had a glass of tequila rose and made the decision to get a new car.  Got up the next morning and acted on the decision before I had the chance to hesitate.

And with the good must always come the bad I guess...

Saturday Mommy, the girls and I were on our way back from Virginia when near tragedy struck...  A woman was stopped in the middle of 85.  Stopped dea. the car behind her skidded to a halt.  I'm not sure if he had already hit her but thanks to a defensive driving lesson I was given early in my driving days (Thank you Joey--never thought I'd say that) I was able to swerve so that not only did I only strike on the drivers side, I was able to avoid any airbag sensors.

I'm sore as shit though.  I guess being the driver and hitting only on the drivers side, I was going to get the brunt of it.  I think today was the worst of it though.  It better be.  I'm working the next six days and not being able to walk without a limp is kinda imperative. I took a hot shower this afternoon.  So far that an a couple of muscle relaxers and I've been able to sit and walk.  Let's hope it stays that way.

I should go to bed.  I have to have lil bit to school by 745 for a field trip.  I seriously doubt I'll go back to bed and I have a nail appointment at 12 so I have no clue what I'll do between 8 and noon.  I seriously doubt I'll go back to bed since once I wake up I usually don't go back to bed.

Yawn.  I should blog more.  No I should get to writing.  I really want to be published.  Maybe since this year is going so well for me... Then again, I'm so not pushing my luck.  I'm already blessed with a more than awesome guy and my job.  If I don't get published this year I will still consider this year a win.

Heh.  Does anyone remember when my blog was called Single and blogging?  God there were some wailing posts.  Sometimes I go back and read then just so that I can know how far I've come and grown.  Some of them make me cry.  Some of them make me angry but most of them simply make me realize that I'm not that person anymore.

Goodnight people.

So... uhm...

Four days into the new year and I've already fallen down on my resolution....  That is actually a new high for me.  I usually stick with something for at least a week before I default back to my normal.

But to be fair, Mystery Case Files came out with a new game.

A NEW GAME!!!

I can tell by the crickets that you aren't as excited about that as I am.

Or was last night.

The shit is hard.

So the girls got back home last night.  I asked R to have them back to my house by seven so that they could do their chores and shower and go to bed on time.  Wanna know what time he bought them back?  A quarter to nine.  Bedtime is at nine.  They didn't get to bed until after ten.  Guess who had cranky kids this morning?

So I asked R to take Kay to her dentist appointment.  She was getting the last three or four of her twelve cavity horrorfest drilled.  He said to get her there and he would be there no later than 8:10 to sit in the waiting room for her and take her on to school since I needed to be at work by like 830 across town.  At 8:35 he called and asked if I could leave his number with the people at the desk because he was stuck in traffic.  Smile Starters doesn't work that way.  A parent must be in the lobby at all times in case they need you.  So no I couldn't leave his number and go.  Plus all her stuff was there.  He finally shows up at ten minutes to nine.  By now, I'm cold (the waiting room at smile starters is ALWAYS cold.  Even in the summer, it's friggin winter in there.  In the winter I swear I'm going to be frozen to my seat.)  So he gets there and I figure I'm already late so why try to face what is going to be a very long day without coffee?  Coffee is essential for making Dette calm enough not to cuss out the stupid customer, slap the rude ones and strangle chatty coworkers. So yeah added the extra five minutes on because hell in for a penny in for a pound, you know?  I was already going to spend the day playing catch up.  I always do when I get there late (Which is why I get there as early as possible... meaning anytime after five am because DD doesn't open till 5)  Get to work.  Have 40 minutes to sheet out and open the store.  I got this.  I'm super Dette.  No really I am because dammit I did it.

But then I looked over at the oven area and saw the mountain of Deep dish pans.  It is a general rule that if there are more than 12 pans you make deep dish dough.  Fill the pans and put the rest on trays to be sheeted later.

By the time I finished making all the balls (Shut up) I needed for the pans I had enough dough left for Lauren to make a junior pizza.

32 pans.  32 doggone pans.  Had to do that first and not concentrate on anything else because if you take your attention from Deep dish procedures for even a minute, that minute turns into ten and those ten turn into an hour and before you know it, you have lost an entire batch of deep dish dough because that crap rises so stupidly fast that you have about enough time to oil the pans before you have to start sheeting. So that took me until like one thirty and then stupid me started on her regular dough not looking at the time.  Because at 2 pm, I'm supposed to drop everything and do evening sheet outs. (I don't get to see the front of the store much when I open...)  Didn't finish that batc of dough until almost three so got started on the sheet outs while helping J do the Planet fitness order.

Aside:  Planet fitness orders over 130 dollars worth of pizza from us on the first monday of each month.  I have no problem with this.  Well I kinda do.  My moral compas kinda points due north most of the time so I don't see why a GYM orders PIZZA.  I actually asked a lady that works there once.  She was honest, I will give her that, but her explanation was that people eat the pizza and feel so guilty that they hop on the machines and work out.

Fucking brilliant.  Devious as hell, but fucking brilliant.

Shorter segway, I didn't get back to the rest of my dough until after five when the closing shift leader got there.  This is not an uncommon occurrence in Howies these days.  In fact I wasn't in trouble for it but it annoyed the piss out of me because I generally have my dough done before the evening sheet outs.  I get this single mindedness thing going and dough just gets done.  Today however, my brain was like, "Nope, don't talk to me, you didn't finish your cup of coffee, I'm not playing fair today, go fuck yourself."

I promised I would get A through rush.  Rush seemed to rush right on past Howie's tonight because by a quarter to seven it was so slow I think the clock was moving backwards.  I ran.  Ran far and fast.

So right now Charlotte is in the brink of a cold snap.  And by snap I mean a beefy jock wound up a towel and snapp our naked asses in the locker room.  It's so damn cold it hurts!!!  I usually love winter.  It's the one time I really don't have to take my allergy meds and two inhalers because everything is dying.  There's no damn dust.  This week, I have had to use my rescue inhaler because the air is so cold that when I get it into my lungs it's so cold it burns.

No shit... today the snot froze in my nose.  I am not kidding.  I stood outside to talk to my mom for about ten minutes.  The snot froze in my nose.  And when I went to blow it, not realizing that it was frozen and not just crusty (I have a snotty nose it's winter, if that's all I get I;m okay with this) it broke and tore skin from the inside of my nose.  Causing a nosebleed.  Once again my brain said, "You didn't finish your coffee, this is what you deserve."

So I am going to bed.  Early for me but there you have it.  My nose is still bleeding.  My feet hurt and this morning I discovered that if I take off my shoes while sheeting out the morning pizzas, I can't see the top of the sheeter because I'm just that short.  Yeah...

Goodnight.   I'm going to cuddle under my blankies!

I'm tired... so tired...

Seriously... Can I stop being an adult now??  Please?  I just want to crawl in my bed with my pretty pajamas on and just stay there.  Color in bed, have my mommy bring me lunch and dinner in bed and not have to move all day.

And the sad thing is that I don't mean that in my funny haha always sunny in Claudetteland kind of way.  I am totally serious.  I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the one that everyone comes to when they need something.  Like seriously everyone.  If you need it, ask Dette, she most likely has it and even if she doesn't have it, she'll find a way to get it even if it puts her account negative, her gas tank in the red and her sanity in the trashcan.  She'll do it.  She'll drop everything and do what you need.

I'm tired of listening.  Tell Dette.  Dette will listen.  She may say uh huh and yeah and Mmm a few times making you think that she's half ignoring you and therefore letting you vent on and on and on but trust me, she hears you.  And her brain is working overtime trying to figure out a way to fix it for you.  Or help you fix it.  Or find someone that can help you fix it.  She hears you and she's wracking her brain trying to help you.  She has a million other things that actually concern her to think about but there's not time for that because she has to fix it for you.  Because you're her mother/friend/brother/cousin/dog's babysitter's groomer.  You matter.  You matter more to her than you know so she has to help you.  Because you matter.

I'm tired of taking fifteen steps forward and getting knocked back twelve.  NOt quite behind where I started but still so close I can see where I started from.  I got a raise at work.  Awesome right?  No.  Not awesome because along with my most fantabulous raise, I got less help that I've been getting.

I admit it, I'm on Food stamps and section 8.  But because I got a job that is paying me decent money, they have cut my food stamps.  Again.  First I was at six hundred eighty.  Then they cut it by $80.  Then I got the job and they cut it to $387.  Then $363. Today... today I found out that they've cut me to $266.  My section 8 has raised my rent.  I' not saying how much online but it's not a pretty number and it was an unexpected jump.  I came home yesterday and found out that my Gas had been shut off so we're taking cold showers.

But my kids need school supplies.  My kids need food.  I have pared my bills down to the bare minimum and still I can't get ahead.  My paycheck has been going to fill in the blanks for the Gas (Which apparently I failed at since they shut the crap off) Electric, and rent because the child support caseworker that was assigned to my case can't seem to actually do her job and get my child support reviewed.  I have been getting three hundred for five years.  A lady came into the store the other night and she had the same child support card I have and we got into a brief conversation about it.  I told her what I get and she told me that she makes $1500 plus on her kids.  First off she annoyed me because no lady, you don't make that money.  The man or men that you laid down with is supporting his kids.  But still... Mine is based on temp jobs that my ex was doing years ago.  He now has a $32/hour a job and she swears she can't find his jobs company in the database.  It's the FAA.  The Federal Air Administration.  Out of Washington D.C.  But she can't find it.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of being unexplainably head over heels for a guy that doesn't see me as a human being much less a woman.  I'm tired of listening to everyone tell me about their sex lives while I'm over here trying to get some and coming up woefully short.  And I do mean short because I took a chance and put myself out there and the guy... he was smaller than my pinky and couldn't get it up.  He used his fingers like a jackhammer and by the time he was done, I was in so much pain that moving for the following week took extreme concentration.

I know I've said this before, but people out there who are in relationships and have single friends... WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SEX LIVES!!!!  AT ALL!!! Chances are we are so wildly jealous of you that we would knock you into unconsciousness and mount your guy to fix our problem in a heartbeat.  I personally don't have any friends that I would knock out to steal their men. But still.

I'm tired.

I'm so tired.

I just want to sit down and not adult for awhile.

So... yeah...

I've been a bad girl... or maybe I haven't...  I really only use this blog when I have something that I need to get off my chest and need for it to go away.  I haven't been here in probably over a month which means that I haven't had any stress that I needed to blog off...

Okay, that's a flat out lie.  I have had stress.  A fair bit of it.  Most of it caused by one person.  She will remain nameless for the sake of this blog.

It's all good. though, I fixed my facebook so that she can't see anything about me, not even when I'm online and then I created her about twelve times in the Sims and killed her in some pretty nice ways.  Let's see, I trapped her in a pool and took away the ladder.  She drowned to death.  Then I put her in a 2x2 room with now windows or doors and no toilet.  She got hungry, pissed herself and then died.  I hit her with a falling satellite, I hit her with lightning, I set her on fire and I gave her pneumonia and wouldn't let her rest.  For that death I actually plead with death for her return which made us like best friends and then I broke the computer, took away her mechanical skills and made her fix it.  She electrocuted herself.  I even gave her an honorable death by flies.  I think the most awesome was I had her go on vacation, meet a random guy ( I couldn't make her actual fiancee... I like him and for what I had planned...eh...) She fell madly deeply in love and married him and then I killed her with fright.  He left her tombstone in the middle of a vacant lot.  She haunted no one.

You know... seeing all that in writing, I realize I might have a few anger problems.  Just a few.  Very small ones.

But the most important thing is that I'm good to work with her again.  Something about killing off a fiction representation of someone that you are extremely pissed off at that really makes you less angry at them.

So in other news, I am now a shift leader at work.  Tonight I had my first mock run of closing the store.  I am 80% sure that I won't burn the store down tomorrow on my first actual closing.

Okay 79.9999%....

I'll be fine, I got it.  I have a while bunch of people that believe in me and are willing to help if I need it.  I'm all good.

So really nothing else is new.

I started smoking again.  I admit that hoping that it will make me stop but since stress has decided to camp out so have the cigs.  They aren't budging and I'm not pushing.

Also, I really need to purge myself of my attraction to this really hot guy that I have fallen into the Friendzone with.  And not even the really awesome friendzone.  I could totally handle being in the friends with benefits zone.  But how do I say that to him?  God help me I tried to say it.  He came over before the movie the other day and promptly laid out on my bed and dammit it was all I could do not to just jump on the bed next to him.  I was a good freaking girl.  Dammit Dette.  Dammit dammit dammit.  Now I know why guys hate the friendzone.  Ladies, if you have guys in the friendzone, give them a hand up.  Give them a handjob.  No one deserve to be in the friendzone.  The friendzone sucks.  Period.Eliminate the freaking friendzone and make it the... I don't know... Still friends but you can solve a little problem for me from time to time zone...

I will make myself not like him.  I will make myself not like him.  I will not troll Tinder this Summer... Or maybe I will troll Tinder this summer.  Maybe I will meet a bit of fun... Summer can't be all about work can it?

I'm going to watch an episode of the new Sailor Moon and then go on to bed.  I need to be well rested for tomorrow night.

I will not make the other employees riot.
I will not burn the store down.
I will make it out of there with my sanity.

I will stop saying these stupid as hell affirmations to myself...

Pray for me y'all... Just pray...

Okay so let's recap the past 18 hours...

So yesterday afternoon as I was going out to my car to go to work, I noticed that I heard water going like a sprinkler left on.  It was hot so I let it go and kept on going.  When I got home last night near ten the water was still going and I assumed that the neighbor with the perpetually green yard must have left his sprinkler on into the night.  Didn't think much of it at all, went in the house to find that BOTH of my girls were taking out their braids...  It was ten at night and they weren't done.  They didn't finish until something close to twelve and I had to relax and dry their hair.  So I didn't go to bed until almost two this morning.

At seven ten, Olivia comes in to wake me and make sure I get up because they have the dentist in about twenty minutes.

We will call that Walking Dead: Level Mom.

Of course this picture was taken AFTER I walked outside to hear the water STILL running but this time noticed that the neighbor in the house just slightly down the hill now had a huge puddle for their yard.  The guy with the perpetually green yard lives one house over from them so for him to flood their yard the house between them should have a lake for a yard as well but they don't.  I walk around my house and realize that it's MY water that has been running for I wanna say at least 16 hours now...  Can't wait to see this bill.  Someone had unscrewed my hose and turned the water on at full blast.  I don't know who and I don't know why but if I ever find out.  As me if the cops will be able to hold me off.

Get the girls to the dentist and surprise they are the first people there.  This never happens.  THe woman says that this week is testing that's why it's dead and I'm one of the few parents with school age children who kept their appointments for today.  I asked the girls when their testing ebgan and they said Tuesday so I'm good.  The woman says to me that she called and reminded me about testing and gave me the option to reschedule.

She called me at 8 am.  How many people do I have to tell that I am not one of those people that's up and At 'em at 8 am.  Having a conversation with me at 8 am will only bite you in the ass.  It won't bite me because I won't remember it and if I was supposed to show up somewhere and you didn't reminds me when you were assured I was coherent, it will bite you.  Trust me that it will never bite me in the ass...

Left the girls to get some food because I was now still only partially awake and my stomach was demanding I feed it.  I went to The McDonald's on Freedom.  Never have I ever been in a more ghetto McD's.  And I have known this place was this ghetto for years now but whatevs...  The woman behind the counter screwed up my order so freaking bad her manager gave me a free sandwich.  This may or may not have been totally because of that since I've known the manager there for about five years now and maybe once every six months she slides me free food when I order.  Whatever.  Then the cashier says to me that she likes my t-shirt (I was wearing the one that says I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.  Can be found here.)  BUt just as I'm about to tell her where she can find the tshirt to buy one herself, she says "BUt your boobs are too big to be going without a bra."

It is at this point in the blog that I should point out that I happened into the McD's the one day that Old Men's club had decided to come in and sit ALL ALONG THE BACK WALL for a chat n chew.  no less than 15 old senior men heard her say this since she wasn't exactly quiet.  Also, what appeared to be a Mommy group (Like four young women and a few babies) sitting near the doors.  They all heard this comment.

Sort of wide awake now, I contemplated being the badass New Jersey bitch I really am deep down and giving her about 90% of the anger building inside which was not all her fault but I didn't.  I stared at her.  I may r may not have opened my mouth and closed it a few times but when nothing came out, I just walked away.  Took my food and walked away.  I figure that this was God reaching down and telling me that today was not a good day to go to jail.

Came home and crashed.  Hard.  Got up and went on FB.  One of my friends posted a video of a teacher breaking up a school room fight by taking off his belt and whipping them... View Video here.  I commented and said outright that the teacher was wrong.  As of 2:32 pm on 5-18-15, the comment thread read as such...

The first person called me crazy and the second reply had so many ebonics in it that I'm sure they deserve the beatings they say they got.

Just putting this out there but it's people like this that sometimes make me ashamed to be black because white folks see this shit and they assume ALL blacks talk like this.

As for the teacher, I stick by my guns, I would beat the Hell the Holy and the Future out him for taking off his belt and whipping my child.  End of story.

So this has been my last 18 hours.  I really honestly just want to go back to sleep and make it all neverwas....

I am so very very very over today and it's JUST a quarter to six!

Why?

That's all I want to know.  Just Why?  Why is that when I FINALLY find a happy spot, circumstances have to pull me back down??

So Sunday Morning, my favorite cousin in the entire world passed away.  This was not sudden, it has been expected for awhile.  But still, she was my other mother.  The things a daughter should know that my mother didn't teach me, Floreine did.  And when I didn't learn them fast enough, she whipped me up the stairs.  Yes, you totally read that right, she whipped me up the stairs.  (See I come from a generation that got the bejesus slapped or spanked, or in my case, whipped out of them when they thought they had the right to talk to adults like they were adults when they were still kids.  Today's kids don't know anything about that because now parents get in trouble for smacking, spanking, and whipping... it's called child abuse.  No!  It's call home training and discipline!  Look it up Child protective services!  It's in the freaking Bible.  Spare the rod and spoil the child I.E. Handle that shit while they are young and they won't turn out to be turds as adults!  Sorry... tangent rant...) She was... I mean... they say that cousins are a person's first best friend in life, She was mine.  Part mother, part best friend, all cousin, and all mine.  And she's gone.  She was the one that stood up for me and took my side when I was treated unfairly and believe me I had my fair share of not being treated fairly by the family sometimes.  She was the one that stood by me and said I would get my time to shine and made sure I got it.  She had my back.  She was my Flo Cousin.

So I managed to get Mommy out on the plane yesterday and I was planning to drive out there for the funeral.  Again, this was my Flo Cousin.  I want to be there to say goodbye.  My mother decided that the 15 hour drive would be too much for me.  I don't care.  This is my Flo Cousin.  So Auntie PAt agreed it was too much BUT she offered to fly me out there.  Had it worked perfectly.  I could leave here tomorrow after work and be there by night, get up go to the funeral Thursday and then fly back.  If possible, not even miss work although everyone was cool if I missed Thursday.  My Mom decided, that I would be inconveniencing everyone if I did that.  They are two hours away from the airport so having to drive to get me and bring me to the family then having to drive to take me back the next day.  Looking at putting someone on the road for 8 hours.  Never mind that I could call a cab.  They have flat rates for airports.  Nope, nope, Claudette, you can't go and say goodbye to your favorite cousin because it would be inconvenient for everyone and just to make sure that you understand what I'm saying to you let's throw in "everyone is already down because she's gone, it's not fair to add getting you to the airport to their troubles."

So I'm not going to the funeral.  I'm going to sit here.  I'm going to work.  And on Monday I'm going to pick Mommy up from the airport.

But you want to hear something?  Something HILARIOUS??

Mom didn't want to pay upwards of $175 to kennel her cat for the week she'll be gone so guess who has to leave work in NORTH Charlotte to drive to EAST Charlotte to make sure that the cat has food and water EVERY DAY and scoop out her litter box EVERY DAY (because someone spoils her cat and never let's her crap sit in the litter box for more than 24 hours) and then has to drive home to WEST Charlotte EVERY DAY???  Yeah, me.

So ... in the end, no one gets inconvenienced but me.  The one that is always inconvenienced.   Because yeah... this is how my life works.

And I've held up.  I haven't had my true and real breakdown yet.  I need to.  I really need to.  I have had little cloudbursts where I couldn't hold back the tears but I haven't had the big one yet.  I can't though because I have my kids right now and I hate it when I cry in front of them because they feel like they need to fix it.  No matter what it is, they need to fix it.  You can't fix death.  Even in Harry potter, one of the most magical places ever, you can't fix death.  So no, can't cry in front of the kids.  When I don't have the kids, I'm at work.  Can't cry at work.  Just can't.  Cannot have a complete breakdown at work.  Even if your boss is one of the coolest guys around and one of your best friends who would totally just stand there and hold you while you soaked the hell out of his shirt.  No.  Just can't.  That's work.  Gotta be professional at work.

So I'm not going to get to break.

But I managed to find a place in my mind where I can still function and laugh and joke and be human and this morning my time hop ap on my phone decided to remind me that today was the first anniversary of the day I wen out with John.  Yeah him.  They guy I kinda fucked over but then I really tried to apologize and he treated me like shit and then he went and quit an every single time our paths cross he looks at me like "drop dead in a painful way" because the one time I went to see his roommate I said I didn't want to see him when I should have said the truth was that I can't see him because stupid fucking me still likes him no matter what I do and if he just would smile at me and kiss me again I would so be in his arms and I know this is a stupid horrible run on sentence but I can't help it and yes, I still like him.  I still want him and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it even though when he gives me those drop dead looks a little piece of me dies and spirals away.  Yes, I know I'm a pathetic idiot.  No, I don't know how to fix myself.  If I knew how to fix myself I would.  Do I tell myself I can do so much better than John?  Yes.  Do others tell me I could do som much better than John.  Yes.  Does my brain believe it?  Maybe.  Does my heart?  Hell the fuck no.  If he walked up to me right now and held out his hand and smiled and said "Let's start over." I would hop skip and jump merrily into that trap and never look back.  The fact that I can admit that makes no difference to my heart.  None.

So I went to work and managed to laugh and have a generally good day despite the fact that one year ago today I went out with the man that my heart really does think might have been the love of my life.  It was all good.  Got home and kids hadn't done their chores.  I can deal.  Mother in law texts to ask me if I found a camp for the girls.  I called her (first fucking mistake) And told her no because I don't have custody of them.  Randy does and he's supposed to be taking them to Oklahoma with him because he's to much of a pussy to inform his job that he has ironclad custody of his child during the summer and either they postpone his training or they find a way to send them with him. (Small aside, two years ago, Randy decided that I was a shit mother and he filed with the state and the county to have full time custody of my kids.  He fell through on that but it got put IN WRITING *Which when you put something in writing with the county/state courts, you might as well have chiseled it in stone* that he had custody of them from the day after school ends until two week before school begins.  I am okay with this because for about 90 days, I get to be an adult that doesn't have to worry about getting home to the kids.  I get to actually have a life.)  She says, she thought that I would find a camp and he'd pay for them because he told her that that's what I was going to do wince he can't take with him. (In other words, I have to get up and make sure they get to the camp bus stop and I have to make sure that my work schedule allows for me to pick them up from the bus stop and I have to cook for them and find other stuff for them to do while he gets to spend his days in a classroom and his nights doing whatever the fuck he wants to do. In short, Claudette is still the responsible one that gets to give up the precious little free time she gets... again.)  I told her no.  I legally don't have custody of them.  That Randy does and they if they don't go with him, they will be sitting wherever his new wife Gabby is staring at her all summer because she married him knowing that he had FULL custosy of his kids during the summer.

Insert guilt trip.  Or rather, insert guilt trip attempt.  The only thing that she managed to do was annoy me.  I will not bend on this summer.  He made his bed and now he will lay in it or I will go to the courts and have his custody terminated.

And I am sorry if I sound like a whining little bitch right now but you know what??  I'm tired of being the one that everyone shits on then walks away.  I'm tired.  Plain old fashioned tired.  Why is it that to avoid inconveniencing everyone else I have to bend over backwards, forwards, and sideways?  Why do I have to be the one that takes and takes and takes what everyone else wants to dump on me and deal with it?

What about me?

What. About. ME?

When do I get to say goodbye to my loved ones?  When I get to go out and party without having to come home?  When do I get to meet a guy and have sex with him because I don't have anything or anyone else to think about for that moment in time?  Am I supposed to wait until my last child is over 18 and away at college?  I'm supposed to wait another five years?  Is that how that works?  I'm thirty fucking five and I feel like I'm fifty.  I missed my teens because I had to be the good girl and be with Mommy.  I missed my twenties because I had to be the good Navy wife and good mommy.  Now I'm missing my thirties because I have to be the good daughter and the good single mom.

I seriously just want to run away for a few days.  But I can't.  Because I would be inconveiniencing too many people and that's not what Claudette does.

Claudette needs a fucking lobotomy.

Fuck today.  I'm going to bed.

Oh wait no... I have to go feed the cat.

Fuck.

I really and sincerely HATE spring...

I'm serious.  I could so live without this season.  And I mean that literally. Every Spring things come back to life and my lungs decide "Welp, that's it!  Better close up shop!" and it take SUPREME effort to get the sumbishes to work even on a half level.

I live in a constant red haze of headaches because I cough so hard when trying to breathe that it causes my head to feel like it's breaking apart.  I really think the violence of my gasps for breath and coughs are really shaking my brain back and forth and hitting my skull but I'm sure there's some technical explanation for why that can't happen.  It just feels like it is.  My throat is sore because it's constantly dry from hacking up pieces of my defunct lungs.  My nose is raw because I'm blowing it because on top of not being able to breathe, I have allergies.  I suck on my inhaler so much that once, when I was sitting at a stop light, I used it like three times in quick succession and a cop pulled me over because he'd been sitting watching the look of calm that I had after each pump.  He thought I was getting high.  He started pumping my inhaler to make sure that it was albuterol and me sitting there watching my life giving meds being pumped away indiscriminately caused to me to go into an asthma attack and he had to call an emt and explain to them why HE was holding my inhaler while I was having an attack...

I get raped by Spring every year.  Every freaking year and all I can do is bend over and take it like a man.

Oh and one more thing I hate in Spring... Baby freaking birds.  Cheep chirp cheep all morning long.  How's a woman supposed to sleep in when they gather at my window like I'm snow freaking white!??  I swear those things perch on my windowsill and chirp just to annoy me.

I'm not a happy camper bloggers.  I love summer because it's hot and I've recently discovered that I kinda rock shorts, I'm cool with Autumn because finally things are beginning to die.  Yes, I am the gnarled old woman dancing in glee as the birds go away, the leaves fall, and the flowers die.  And OMG! I love winter with a passion because I CAN BREATHE!!  It's too cold for anything to live so I have a ball.

But then I get pneumonia like always and end up in bed feeling like I am dying for a week.

But I can breathe!

Dr. Lewis said that If I got Pneumonia one more time she was going to put me on oxygen.  I've had it about six or seven times.  Once you hit five times having pneumonia you really do lose count.  You read my sob story about last Thanksgiving.  Not this one that just passed but the year before that.  Or was it the year before that? I give up.

Sadly Dr. Lewis is no long at Biddlepoint.  I have a new Doctor who is already pissing me off because he won't refill one of my most vital prescriptions.  He's messing around with my trazodone.  Bad Dr.  Bad!  Very, very bad!  I can't fully blame him, he hasn't been informed that Claudette needs sleep to be sane if if Claudette doesn't get sleep and is not sane, people usually end up crying in a corner.  We are not going to impart this last little bit of info to him unless we have to because the very last thing that Claudette needs right now is a 72 hour lock up in a psych ward.

Claudette is going to stop talking about herself in the first person.  Kamri would love that.  I miss Kamri.  A lot.  I wouldn't even make car jokes if she came by to say hi.  I'd just hug her.

Okay, I'm done complaining.  I have to be up for work tomorrow and I am gonna try and keep up with my Qvar so maybe Spring won't ass rape me this year.  Livy expressed concern for me tonight.  She said I sounded like I was suffocating.  I told her I actually am.  Little by little I am  She stamped her foot and told me no, I couldn't suffocate until I was like a hundred years old...I love my kids!

Goodnight bloggers  I love you!

Stay frosty!

Dooooood!

I am super mom hear me roar!!!  NO really I am an awesome mom and for probably maybe the fifth time since having kids I actually believe that.  Really and honestly believe that.

Firstly I didn't get out of bed until like noon today.  I think the clock said 11:43 so I was still technically in the morning but kinda not.  I felt SOOOO good.  I rarely get that much unbroken sleep.  So I'm getting up and I do this thing where I walk around my house.  I don't know when I started doing it but I do it every day.  As soon as I hop out of bed, I walk around my house until I inevitably have to go to the bathroom.  So I did that this morning and thanks to the really big cup of juice I had last night I made it as far as the living room before my body said walk later, pee now.  Anyway, Livy called me and was like can you come over Omi's before work or we can come visit you.  I said I had just gotten out of bed and wasn't dressed yet so somehow that meant come home.  My mom calls me back and says the girls decided that they want to be at home with you before you go to work.  They don't get to spend a lot of time with me now that I've gone to work so it's cool, I get dressed and wait for like an hour because my mom took them back to her house to get their clothes and clean up since they spent Friday and Saturday night over there.  They get back and Livy says nothing about putting her bed together.  Nothing at all.  I let her sit for maybe 45 minutes before I decided, I knew what I was doing since they have the same exact bed and I already put one together, we won't have that wasted time of figuring out what the pictures mean so let's get to it.  I mean wow!  When she saw me coming with the knife to open the boxes, her face lit up like the fourth of July!

Got all the boxes open and started to put pierces where we needed them when the doorbell rings.  Jayden and Mia want Livy to come out but she's like no, we gotta put the bed together.  They want to help.  Then the next door neighbor came over, for the life of me I cannot spell this child's name right so I'm going to just put Bri.  So now I have 5 kids in my house all wanting to help.

I sent them downstairs to play rock band.

Also I remembered that I borrowed Joe's tools and that it had the attachment to go in my drill.  Thinking that would speed things up considerably I prepared to use that when I found the ratchet tool.  Why has no one told me of this wondrous tool before?!?!?  Turn click turn click turn and boom done!! I love it. I love tools.  I love Joe for having said tools.  Joe is my new hero.  So in no time at all I got the ends put together and I called the kids up to help me put the beam across the middle that would hold them together.  Click ratchet, click turn, done!  Put another bar on and realized I have 20 minutes to get dressed, grab lunch and get to work.  Kicked the extra kids out got dressed and boogied out.

Work was work.  Folded boxes.  Took deliveries.  Got out early because I was already in overtime and it was dead.  I reiterate my previous statement about it would be livelier in a cemetery waiting for the dead to wake up. Except I had Josh, Josh and joe together make it an interesting night.  They tend to forget that I'm a girl and certain conversations don't need to be had around me so I get a healthy dose of what's in boys minds.  Throw in Wendy who grew up with boys and lives with her fiance and two boys and it's a freaking laugh riot.  But when Joe said I could go I got cause I had to go to walmart before I continued home to finish the bed.

It took until ten minutes ago to finish the bed get the mattress up and on it and unrolled and the bed made.  12 midnight on the dot we were done.  Livy got up there and declared she wasn't coming down until morning.  I kissed her hand and turned off the light and I'm pretty sure both she and Kayla are out like lights right now.

But the best part was when I was helping them finish the ladder, Livy turns to Kayla and says "We have the best mom on the planet.  She's so cool."  It took all I had to not sit there and cry happy tears.  I mean they say it every now and then but it's usually because I let them stay up to watch a movie or something.  This time it was because  and I quote, "She did the beds before work and now after work when she's tired.  You are so awesome mommy!"

So Livy is now in her first full sized bed.  Up in the air.  She even loves the cheap as hell mattress from Ikea.  That or she was really tired.  Either way, I'll get her a mattress pad later.

Have I mentioned that I can stand under these beds and not have to duck?  I'm five foot six and three quarters but there is an inch of space between the top of my head and the bottom of the part where the mattress goes.

So now I'm sitting here with cookies and milk which I shouldn't be eating but I need them to relax with before bed.  I told the girls that they could get up at 7 which to Kayla means 630 because yeah, the late riser had to have an early bird kid.  It's karma biting me in the face for all the years my mom had to resort to banging on the wall and spraying me with cold water to wake me up I get the kid that is up with the sun and ready to play. Jovaughn's get up on no school day schedule is dictated by his stomach.  If his stomach says time to get up, he's up until he gets food and then he's down again.  Olivia... now that's my child 100%.  If there's no school or no reason to get up, the child stays in bed as long as she possibly can.  This has gone up to 12 hours.  I shit you not, that girl can marathon sleep with the best of them.

So yeah, I'm taking my super mom ass to bed and going to dream good dreams.

Night bloggers!! Stay frosty!!