I'm the person that no matter what time of the day, no matter how I am feeling, no matter if I really would rather not hear it, I'm going to listen to your problems. I don't care if I have had such a hellish day that the Devil himself shakes his head and says, "Damn, kid.", I'm going to listen to your problems and never once say a word about my own unless you actually notice that quiver in my voice or notice that ninety percent of my answers are"...yeah" or "uh-huh."
Why? Damned if I knew... Well not damned. IF I knew why I was world biggest doormat, I would be happy because then I could change it. I could reach down deep inside and tell people that just once, just effing once, I'd like a conversation to be about me.
Because of my meltdown I have had three friends tell me that I made them feel shitty. Hmmm... Yeah. I made THEM feel shitty because I never said a word about how I was feeling. I kinda did but they weren't words that they could or did see. My Facebook is my life. I literally post everything there. If I'm in a happy mood, my picture is usually of me smiling and my posts are of a happy nature. If it's not a good day, I may or may not change my profile picture and my posts will be scarce or dark. If it's a really bad day, there's bound to be a lot of cussing and putting down of other people.
I don't speak up when I need that emotional lifejacket. I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to break into a conversation and say, "Hey, do me a favor and shut up so I can tell you about my day." No. I only know how to try to make you see that ish is bad for me right now and if I fail at that then I'll go n feeling ishy and like a big jackass for not speaking up.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at the friends that told me that I made them feel shitty. Well... no. Nope. I'm hurt that I in my infinite darkness and despair made them feel bad but To be fair, telling me that I made you feel bad when I'm feeling like the biggest nothing on the planet??? Wow. That's just special.
So yeah... Like I said before, I'm pulling myself up and out of the hole. At least I hope I am. We'll see. We'll see.
But you can be for damn certain that if I have a meltdown again, it WILL NOT leak out to Facebook.
