So, I’m not sure if anyone on
Facebook noticed but for the last few days, I’ve been sorta on the missing in
action side. I guess my reason is that I
don’t really have much to say publicly anymore.
I found out a few weeks ago that I
tested positive for Lupus. A few days
later she called back and said no, it wasn’t Lupus but pretty much 24 hours
later I was called back and told, yes it is Lupus, they just don’t know what
kind.
Normally this would say to me,
Dette, you need to get a second opinion.
But I couldn’t do that because even though my paperwork was refilled in
March, Social Services still hadn’t reinstated my Medicaid which, until I can
get a better job that comes with health benefits, that’s my only way of seeing
a doctor or getting any of my ever growing number of prescriptions. I have been fighting with Social Services now
for months and only yesterday when I could hide behind my dignity and broke
down and sobbed in front of pretty much everyone in Freedom Ave. DSS, did
anyone do anything. And before any one
of you say it, NO, I did not use tears to get what I needed, I just wasn’t
capable of dealing with the form answers that I’ve been getting lately
indicating that I’m still getting nowhere.
It was only when I lost pretty much any shred of dignity I had left did
anyone understand just how bad off I am right now.
I can’t do this anymore. That is simply what this boils down to. Strange things have been going on with my
body for almost a year now yet anytime I try to discuss it with a good number
of my friends, it turns into them telling me about what wrong with them. I have come to hate the phrase, “Yeah, well…”
because it has come to ALWAYS without fail, mean “Enough about you, time to put
the spotlight on me.” The sad thing is,
I’m not sure that any one of the handful of friends that do it even realize
that they do it. And I’m partially to
blame for them not knowing that they do it because I tend to switch right back
into supportive friend mode and comfort or just listen.
But lately I haven’t been able to
do it. The voice in my head starts
screaming things that I have to hope and pray don’t come out of my mouth so I
just don’t put myself in those situations anymore. I’ve begun to distance myself from
everyone. I come home from work and I
drink. And I mean drink to the point
where I used to be the one that my job called when they needed someone to come
in and help out but they can’t do that anymore because within twenty minutes of
getting home, I am no longer legal to drive.
I wake up, I play my Facebook games, and I get off the computer and I
read. I went back to writing again but I
found that every time I did, whatever I was writing began to take on my real
life or rather the real life my inner self wants where I blatantly scream, “It’s
not about you!”
Believe me or don’t but I have even
tried praying but the voice inside of me alternates from “If your friends won’t
listen to you, why should God?” to “If there really was a God, why would he let
this happen to you?” This leads me back
to drinking because I know there is a God and I know that he cares and he only
give you what you can handle even if you feel like it’s crushing you. So I try to shut the voice up because I was raised
by a good Christian woman and loving Church family and I know that God is
God. I am not His only concern here on
earth and He did not give me Lupus.
Those of you that think I’ve been
shying from them and leaning only towards the man that I’ve been seeing, I can
tell you that you too are wrong. I haven’t
said anything to him as well. As a
matter of fact, if he reads this he’s probably going to say WTF because I’ve
become such a good hider that I haven’t said anything to him. The truth is, I don’t want to run him away
because he’s one of the few things in my life right now that make walking into
traffic look like a really stupid choice meaning, he makes me want to
live. When I’m with him, I smile. When I talk to him, I smile. Hell when I think about him, I smile. I like smiling. I like feeling happy. If not telling him about the crap in my life
makes the happy continue, I’m going to try hard to keep that.
And I realize that it looks to some
like I’m keeping him a secret but what some people, okay a lot of people have
to understand is that I’m actually being respectful. I don’t say his name of put up pictures of us
because I’m not sure that we’ve reached that stage. I’m not sure if he wants that. He knows that it’s one of my secret desires
to be able to say on Facebook that I’m in a relationship with and actually be
able to say a name. I would love more
than anything to be able to tag him in my relationship status but I don’t want
to alienate him. I would love to
introduce him to my friends but sometimes I feel like the third degree he’d get
from them might be worse than an FBI probe and then off he’d go and I’d hate my
friends who would unerringly say, “He wasn’t good for you, anyway.”
Yes I know I’m a worst case
scenario kind of person but most of you know this about me already so whatever.
I’m posting this on my blog because
I still don’t feel like going back to Facebook right now. I just don’t.
I don’t know when I will. But
right now, I need for the voice in my head (Which for better or worse is and
has been for awhile now, Meredith Grey) makes some of the comments I want to
post turn really nasty and I don’t want to lose any friends because my views
aren’t their views which will lead to a debate of why they are right and I am
wrong on Facebook, So I’m not bothering.
I’m watching my Facebook slowly degrade into a highly charged political
arena with a little God thrown in every now and then.
So yeah, if you wanted to know why
I’m silent lately, there’s why. I can
still be reached by messenger and text.
If I don’t respond, I may be at work or just not in the right mind frame
to speak. But I’m here, I’m living. Don’t worry for me, I’m doing enough of that
on my own. I do love you all, I just
have to figure out how to be outside of my own head and shut Meredith up.
Ta.
I’ll be around.
