You know, say what you will about my marriage (it sucked the life out of me, I changed who I was, I lost person I became...) but you know what? I miss the companionship it afforded me.
So what if he didn't talk to me. So what if he came home, went to sleep, woke up, and played video games until work time again, at least if I had a random comment to say, he was there to hear it.
No listen to it... he rarely listened to a word I said, but he heard it. Another pair of ears heard it.
I miss that when I put my foot into something in the kitchen, he was there to eat it. I may not have gotten a "mmm that's good!" or a "You did a good job!", I may have frequently gotten a "If you add xxxx it would be so much better!" Or a "I could probably did this on the grill better." But dammit I got a comment other than "This is good Mommy!"
Don't get me wrong I love cooking for my kids but some days, I'm pretty sure that I could season dog food just the right way, call it chili and they would lap it up like mana.
My bed is awesome, but I miss being able to turn over and find the warmth of a man there. Having a chest to lay on and hear another heartbeat. Listening to him breathe, yeah I did that in the beginning.
I know I frequently blog about being lonely but with each passing year, I find that it gets worse and worse. I was unfortunately not made to be alone but I lack the social skills to do anything about it.
Maybe I should move to a place that absolutely no one knows me and I can reinvent myself to the person I want to be.
I think I should do that after I get out of school and have the skills to get a job.
Sadly enough, I don't see myself moving until my kids are all out of high school which means another eight years...
I can't do another 8 years alone. I will go absolutely insane.
Why would God build me like this? Why would he build me to crave human male contact but then deny me the skills and opportunity to attain it? Why would he remind me every freaking month that I am a female if I was meant to be alone? And why would he fix my daughter's mouths to ask if I ever plan on getting married again every few weeks. (yes they seriously ask me that very same question every few weeks.)
I think I'm about to enter one of those periods where i moan and weep a lot. This will not be good. It will not be fun.
I will bake a lot. I will drink a lot.
Ugh...
Is forty here yet? How about death? Did he RSVP? Can we send a car to get him here before things really get ugly??
