I don't know. Maybe I need to get laid and then I will stop being overly emotional. Maybe if I release whatever it is that released when you get some, I will regain my ability to be a level headed person again.
I want to scream one thousand cusses right now into the wind and not stop until I have no breath left in my body. Why must men be so damned infuriating? They are forever complaining that they don't understand women but the truth is, we're not the hard ones to figure out. Men are WAY more complex than women are.
I want so bad for this not to be another blog about how my ex is pissing me off. There's about a hundred of those running through my mind right now and I need to deal with that. There's a lot of crap running around my brain right now but I can't put it here because like shitting in the wind, it'll come back and land right in my face. I know it will.
I'm sitting here fighting off tears because life is so hard right now. There are so many demand on my time and not very many of them are mine. This past Saturday was probably the most fun I have had in months because I got to do something for me. It'll be a cold day in Neverland before that happens again.
I had two things that I wanted to do this month. Just two. I wanted to go see Thor and I wanted to go see The hunger Games. I've missed my chance with Thor. And I can already tell I'm not going to get to see the Hunger Games. At least not on opening day. I did get Saturday and I had hella fun but think about it. I had two small things that I wanted to do for me this month and they have to go out of the window in favor of someone else's plans.
I got some disheartening news yesterday about something that's had me questioning a few things. One of them being should I have ever left New Jersey. Sometimes I'm not so sure. My son doesn't love me enough to pretend I exist unless it's a blue moon. So that's the same as when I was there. My love life is about the same. No one gave a damn about me in the dating circle in NJ and No one give a damn about me here. My friends still love me no matter where I go so there's that.
Sigh... I'm just so tired of being treated like everyone doormat. So tired of being treated like I don't matter unless I'm needed. So tired... So freaking tired.
I'm turning into a used up, dried up old prune and no one seems to care. I'm screaming out for just a little relief and everyone is so busy with what they need from me or want from me or can get from me that no one hears me.
I'm 34 years old and I feel like I'm 50+. I can honestly see why no man wants me. What man my age wants someone who is so old in the inside?
I can't have any more kids. At least not naturally and sometimes I'm not sure if I want to do it again at this stage in the game. Five years ago when I was still 29 maybe. I have 6 years, one month and two days until my youngest is 18. I have hit the home stretch and everyone says I'm going to have empty nest syndrome like crazy but I don't think I will. In six years, one month and two days from today's date this will be absolutely nothing holding me to this spot and... and... and...
I'm still going to be sitting right here being the good girl, making no waves, making no loud noises, hoping that someone will come along and notice me. Sitting here in my polished shoes, and pretty white pinafore dress with my hair done up really nicely, wearing a big smile. That'll be me.
Oh, my dad is in the hospital again. Not good.
We may not have always gotten along, but god, I don't want to lose my Daddy. I'm not ready to lose my Daddy...
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