I wonder...

When people decide to kill themselves, do they contemplate it for awhile, then decide they aren’t going to do it, then decide to change their lives, then something snaps and boom?  Life over.

Problems for them done, problems for everyone else just beginnng?  Like is there a thought process?  Stages?

I’m pretty convinced that if there are stages, I’m at the life affirmation, deciding to turn it all around stage.  That being said I wonder what stage is next?  The one when you get extremely angry because you realize your ass is stuck?  The one where you jus decide fork it?

I wish I could just kill me and not Roxie because it’s me that’s depressed.  She’s not depressed.  She’s angry that I can’t pull myself out of this depression.  Not even having probably the best weekend of my life can pull me completely out of this hole.

And believe me when I say it was the best weekend I have had in so long I can’t remember a better weekend.  But I was only halfway out of my hole when I had to go back to work and got blamed for shit that I wasn’t even there for.

My inventory was off.  No prep was done.  Truck was still in the floor.  The computer was frozen. There was expired product in the walk in because of the two managers there, not one person realized that he sixteenth was two forking days ago and that the tenth was over a week ago.

But it’s my fault.  Because I’m the general manager.

I’m both relieved and terrified to say that it took Roxie point five seconds to decide fork the cohabitation thing and shove me back in my black hole of nothing which is oddly becoming quite a comforting place since nothing and no one can seem to hurt me there.

Well the cheese can.  The cheese and the hut can hurt me no matter if I’m in my deep dark blackness, at the beach frolicking in the waves, trudging through sand dunes tonsee a ighthouse that admittedly was really pretty, or even having a drink for my goddamn birthday.  The cheese can hurt me.
Something happened to all the wings.  I wasn’t there but it was my fault that we only had three bags this morning.

Have you ever seen two personalities fight over a text?  I assure you it’s actually kind of funny.  I mean when my ass began to get cheeed this morning I was like "but I wasn’t even here how is this my fault?" But Roxie was all like "You can kiss the part of my ass that I haven’t wiped after eating four day old Mexican food!" We typed the response text so many times and deleted it to rewrite it, that we actually got a text in the middle of it asking if we had an answer.

Sadly or maybe not sadly, an edited version of Roxie’s text is what got sent...  the boss realized later in when she went off on the other managers for ignoring her but sitting up and clapping for the batshit crazy phsycho manager that is allowed to quit every damn day for two weeks and still have a store show.  I swear.  Roxie’s pissed off was felt in like six stores and the dm’s office/car today.  She asked three times if anyone had any wings and no one bothered to answer.  So finally she asked if she could be taken out of the chat because she was tired of being ignored.  That she was always there if they had a question that she might be able to answer but it was amazing how when she needed one goddamn answer suddenly everyone’s phone was dead. She was immediately answered with no no one had any spare wings and the dm telling her to order some from the warehouse and he would personally go pick it up.

I can’t say how I came out of my black hole that Roxie places me in for my own protection but I’m out.  Probably because she worked hard to correct the mistakes in the store today and when she’s tired here are less barriers for me to get through.

It’s okay Roxie.  You sleep now.  Tomorrow I will see the doctor and try not to sound like a blubbering mess that’ll get us locked up in an asylum when I try to explain how stressed we are.  I never get to say this to you, but I got you.  For right now.  I got this.  You rest.

I’m not out of the hole that threatening to swallow us both, but I’m out of it enough that for this one time, I can hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay for tonight.

It’s an aside, but everyone knows that losing someone very dear to them is horrible and there’s levels to your healing process but telling someone to stop complaining that they looked ugly on the morning of their fortieth birthday because every birthday is a gift and her husband didn’t get that gift is not okay.  Not okay like at all and the person who pulled that stunt is so very very lucky that both of us have an immense amount of respect and didn’t go off in her for it because it was done to us at the worst possible time today.


I’m tired now.  I think going t bed is the best possible thing I could do.

Ciao Bellas

Not waking up

It’s hard to show who’s typing right now because both of us are wondering what hat it be like if we’d never been born?  What what it’d have been like if we never split into two and what would it be like if we took the rest of this bottle of clonazapam and a handful of tradodone and just... didn’t wake up...

It’d be like going to sleep right?  Dying? Leaving all the pain behind and for once not feeling like we’re no good enough, not pretty enough, not competent enough, or just to put it simply not enough...

The mother unit would be broken, there’s no doubt about that. But unlike us, she has God to turn to. He still talks to her.  Or maybe it’s that she still talks to him.  We’re not really sure how the religious thing works anymore.

The kids would be mad and sad but they’d have their dad and Gabby to cling to.  He’d get to be the only parent whichbhes wanted for as long as e can remember, she’d get to be mom to all of them.  Well probably just Livy and Jojo.  We don’t think she really ever cared for Kayla but we did and that was enough.

Kay would blame Pizza Hut and we feel that somehow this would break her more than it would break anyone else.  For that we apologize.

The father unit.... ell bless him but he’s just come back into our lives and he’s never been aware that there’s wonof us and he’d probably say I was Gods plan and the mother unit would finally beat he shit out of him because there is no plan that her God could have that would rob her of her baby.

The Hut wouldn’t feel a damn thing.  They’d replace us without a second thought although if we ever did this there would be a note telling one and all that he Hut precipitated this cation of cowardice.

Of all the people we would feel for... not sorry... but feel in our eternal soul... would be the friend units that have always been there and have bent over backwards to try and pull us out of our holes.  They have talked us down, talked us up, takes to us t our lower points, laughed with us at our higher points.  For them we would probably hate what we’d done.

But we’d be free.  And maybe finally the two different people that we are.  Claudette could see what Roxie looks like and vice versa because we thing if we ever got separated we might look like very different.

We apologize.  But this is something hat we’ve been thinking more and more about every day that life tells us we aren’t good enough.  We apologize if we ever do this but the pain is getting too much and we can’t hold on much longer.  We’ve been holding on as long as we can and pretty soon our grip is going to slip and when it does....

We are truly sorry.

Grey walls

Roxie here... so I did a thing.

  A couple of things actually.  I asked someone for a play date but he said he was busy so I was faced with a couple of options.

One.  Deal with it.  Nope.

Two: respect his request for monogamy and find something to do with our time.

Three: screw his request for monogamy and go find us a plaything which would likely get us caught up in something we didn’t want to be in and the play date requested would find out and that would be the end of that.

We chose option two.  Or rather I did.  I chugged a shitton of starbucks and painted a wall.  With glitter.

And I only half finished it.

Claudette was a little peeved.

I need a play date.  I don’t think Claudette will handle it well if I paint anything else...

Government issued dick where r u?

I’m reaching that point where the government issued fuck boy should be getting ready to be shipped to my house any day now.

I mean seriously, why isn’t this a thing?  Why can’t the government just make this happen?  They can regulate everything else...

I’m about to go watch fifty shades of kinky fuckery again just so I can remember what sex between two people is because self serve sex is NOT sex.  I don’t care what people say.

I’ve screamed my own name so much even the neighbors know when I’m using the self serve lane...

Excerpt of Catching the Duchess

Just because I want to be obtuse....

She stalked back to the stairs and back up to the kitchen muttering about men and their stupid ways.  Rosa didn’t even look up as Paige stomped through.  Andrew met her at the stairs and quietly pressed himself against the wall for her to pass.  She muttered all the way to her room where she slammed the door hard enough to make the pictures on the wall shake.  

She barely been in the room when the door opened and Milo came in.

"You are the most bull headed woman I have ever met.  Do you ever listen?  At all?"

"Yes I listen but I don’t take orders.  You can’t order me around like I’m one of your subjects."

"I know you’re not one of my subjects.  They listen!"

"I don’t do blind obedience."

"I’ve never asked you for blind obedience.  Never once!"

"No you just wanted me to be blind!" Paige yelled.

"How do you figure that?"

"I was supposed to be blind to the fact that you hired me a bodyguard so you’d know where I was all the time?  I was supposed to be blind to you paying my bills? I was supposed to let that poor kid that Rogan beat up rot in jail or let you hurt him more?"

"I hired Rogan to make your life easier.  I paid your bills because I love you and I want you to want for nothing! And for the last time, He SHOT YOU!  Of course I was going to beat him as badly as I could."

"This is what I’m talking about!  You run roughshod over my life like I can only hurt myself if I’m in charge of it!"

"What the hell?  How did you get that impression?!" 

"His gun shot me.  It didn’t shoot you!" Paige yelled. "I let him go because he didn’t mean to shoot!"

"How exactly do you hold a gun to someone’s head with no intention to shoot?"

"He was a teenager who needed money!" Paige yelled "He was desperate!"

"Oh My GOD you have such a bleeding heart!  If it had been anyone else he would have shot them, taken their wallet, and gone about his business."

"If it had been anyone else and he’d meant to shoot them he’d be in jail now."

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what?!?!?"

"He meant to shoot you!" Milo yelled

"I wouldn’t have even been in that damn park if you hadn’t hired me a bodyguard that I needed to sneak away from!"

"Will you stop jumping around on subjects!?!?"

"Will you stop trying to control me like one of your subjects?!?"

"I DO NOT control my subjects!"

"If you say jump, do they ask how high?"

"If I were stupid enough to make such an asinine request, they might!"

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what?!?!?"

"You!  You can’t control everything!  You have been pulling the strings since the night I met you!"

"Besides trying to protect you, name one thing, one thing that I did wrong."

"You could have told me who you were!"

"We’ve been through this!  You wouldn’t have believed me and when you finally did you would run away!"

"Who says I wouldn’t have stuck it out?"

"My grandmother told you who I was and you ran away.  And not just ran away, you ran around the whole damn world and back again!"

"Because I wanted you to give up!"

"I will never give up."

"You have to."

For a second, Milo had to take a step back.  As she‘d said the last sentence color flooded back into her eyes.

"Why?" he asked gulping.

"Because you and I can’t be together."

"Give me one good reason."

"You’re a Prince in a country that’s still a monarchy."

"So?"

"You need to go back to your people.  You’re going to be king someday.  They need you."

"I need my queen."

"The Queen, your grandmother, has made it abundantly clear that I’m not good enough for you or her country." Paige replied.

"Then my brother will have to be king."

"You think it’s a simple as that?  I will not be made out to be the modern day Wallis Simpson.  You will not abdicate your throne.  You will go back to Dalistos and we’ll forget any of this ever happened."

"No."

"No?"

"You heard me.  I snuck off the island to find you.  I followed the plan of a teenager to get to you.  I am not going anywhere without you."

"Why won’t you see reason, Milo?"

"Frustrating woman!  How many languages do I have to say it in?  I love you!  Ti amo!  Ik hou van je!  Rakastan sinua!  Eu te amo!  Seni seviyorum!  Je t'aime!  Jeg elsker dig!!  Nakupenda!"

Paige stepped back from Milo.  With every language his voice got louder.

"Okay I know French and the Italian, but I’m sure a few of those you made up." She said.

"In order, English, Italian, Dutch, Finnish, Portuguese, Turkish, French, Danish, and Swahili.  I’m pretty sure that I can find a few more languages both made up and real to say it in but the point is that I love you and I’m not going anywhere until you agree to be my wife.  From the moment you snuggled against me after the first night I knew that you were more than a one night stand.  When you cried in France I knew I had moved too fast but I couldn’t stop.  Heaven help me, I wanted for you never to want for anything in your life.  I wanted for you to know unconditional love from a man and no strife or heartache.  I can’t apologize for the way I went about it but I didn’t know any other way than to give you the same comforts I have.  My grandmother is a witch.  She always has been.  She had to be.  After my father died she was faced with having to raise two grandsons and she had already spent half of her life to that point raising a son to be king.  So she’s bitter.  It doesn’t excuse what she said to you, nothing will.  But she’s on the island.  If you won’t go back there, I will abdicate and stay here in England.  Dominic will be king and you and I can live our life in peace but you have to believe me when I say, for the last time,  that I am sorry for everything in the past and that I love you." Milo said. "I’m not going anywhere."

Milo finished and pulled Paige to him in an Earth shattering kiss.  It started as an act of dominance but quickly turned into a struggle of mastery.

He put both hands on the collar of her shirt and ripped it apart, sending buttons flying.  She did the same to his t-shirt.  He ran fingers around the waist of her skirt and yanked.  The silk tore away leaving Paige in her bra, underwear, and pumps.  Paige shoved his shorts and underwear down with one push and he sprang free against her stomach.  He grabbed her hair and pulled her head back.  As she gripped him in her hands he ran his tongue and teeth down her neck.  Suddenly Paige pushed back from him and out of his embrace.

They glared at each other for a moment in pure lust. As they stood there, the clear sapphire that was Paige’s normal eye color deepened into a fathomless pool of blue so dark he couldn’t make out the pupil.  Before he could adjust, Paige whipped a stunned Milo around and shoved him down to the bed.  As he sat on the edge of bed staring up at her, Paige sunk to her knees and took him into her mouth.  He grabbed the bed post tightly as Paige took him to the very back of her throat and purred.

"Ah God!" Milo choked out.

With hands, tongue, and lips, Paige worked to bring him to the edge.  Just when he thought he was going to go careening off the mountain gladly, she would ease up and take him back down.  The fourth time she brought him back to the edge, Milo put his hand on the back of her head and refused to let her stop her sweet torment.  When he could stand it no longer, he took his hand from the back of Paige’s head and grabbed the bedspread.  She came away just as Milo growled her name and came over her hands.  Paige sat back on her heels and looked smug as he spiraled back down to earth.

Satisfied that she’d won the upper hand, Paige got to her feet and walked to the bathroom, but she didn’t make it far.  Milo shot up and grabbed her hand.  With a devious smile and more energy than he should have, he threw her down on the bed.

"My turn."

"Show me what ya got." Paige taunted.

Slowly, as if he were a tiger stalking his prey, Milo crawled up the length of her.  He pressed her into the mattress with a kiss but came up as she caught his bottom lip between her teeth.  He tugged it free and started his descent lower.  Slowly he pulled the straps of her bra down each arm until, too late, Paige realized that in her position, her arms were now trapped.  Slowly he pulled the cups on the bra down so that her breasts freed themselves.  He took one nipple into his mouth and tortured it with his tongue; relishing the way it came to life and hardened in his mouth.  His tongue flicked back and forth over the ultra sensitive bud until Paige was squirming.  Then he moved to the other breast repeating his sweet ministrations until she was panting from the sensations.  He moved up to kiss her again.

"Is that all you’ve got" Paige taunted when he’d pulled back.

"Oh no.  Not by a long shot."

He went back to her breasts but this time, the hand not supporting him worked its way into her lacy underwear.  With his index finger he began to play with her bud, coaxing it from its hiding spot.  He’d flick his tongue then he’d circle his finger.  Paige moaned and bucked but he held on.  Slowly, Milo slipped his middle finger into her, working it in a circular motion.  Presently he slipped his ring finger inside the tightness.  Paige bucked harder, but it only made his fingers sink deeper.

"Ah!" She moaned.

After her nipples were sufficiently suckled and in no danger of ever retreating, Milo, still working his hand began to work his mouth down her body.  For a fraction of a second, he removed his hand only to turn it and begin ministrations again.  With his free hand, he slipped the bit of lace down and began a slow, sweet reign of kisses up her inner thigh pausing to circle the tender flesh at each kiss site with the point of his tongue.  Paige buckled and twisted, trying to escape, but nothing could free her but the orgasm that seemed to be just out of her reach.  As his kisses reached his hand, Milo let his tongue replace his thumb as he began working her clitoris. Slow swipes with the tip of his tongue and it came out to play only to have Milo blow cold air on it for it to retreat.    It was when he began to suck at it in earnest that Paige shot like a rocket to the top of her peak and prepared to jump off.  The slight tension around his fingers tipped Milo off and he ceased his ministrations completely, sending Paige sliding back to the base of her mountain.

"No!" Paige groaned. "No! No! No!"

To which, Milo responded by resuming his torture by returning to her breasts and starting from the top.

In answer to the four times Paige carried him to his peak and denied him release, Milo worked Paige up only to deny her the very same jump into oblivion.  She mewed, groaned, and even cursed him roundly but he refused her the final break.  

"Please…" She mewed.

It was the tone Milo had been waiting for.  He left her breasts one final time and moved his face down between her legs.  Silently, he curled his middle and index finger into her and circled all while using his tongue to draw her bud out to play again.  She tightened around his fingers, her bud came out to play, and she spiraled off into oblivion calling his name as she broke into a million pieces. Before she could touch back down to earth, Milo’d unhooked her bra, freed her arms, laid back on the bed, and pulled her astride him.

As Paige’s senses touched back down, Milo slammed her onto him and grabbed her hips setting a breakneck speed.  Not one to be outdone, Paige held on letting the sensation build.  Suddenly, Milo withdrew from her causing Paige to half scream, half whimper.  He bent her over and took her from behind.  He leaned in close as if he were going to stretch and kiss her, but he wrapped his hands around her middle to finger her as he thrust, sending ripples of desire through Paige.  

Every time one of them was close to that epic, final jump into oblivion, Milo would stop and reposition them.  After taking her from behind, he went to her on top but backwards so that when she lay back, he had free reign on her breasts.  When he felt her tightening again, he swapped them around again, so that he was on top and able to make it as slow as he pleased.  To her credit, Paige tried everything in her power to speed him but the more she tried, the slower he went until, at one point, he was pausing between each thrust of his hips.

"You can’t continue this forever." Paige breathed. "You have to let go sometime and when you do…"

"I’m taking you right with me." He replied as he thrust into her one more time. "Do you yield?"

"Never."

He ripped himself from her body only to fall to the bed and drag her on top of him.  She tried to get on him but he kept moving from her grasp.

"Do you yield?" he asked.

"Never." She replied catching him and holding him straight as she sank onto him.

This time Paige set the rhythm for a bit before Milo took her hips in his hands and began pumping her harder.

"Do you yield?" he asked

"Never!" but there was much less conviction to the word than before.

He began to thumb her clitoris again as he grinded her atop him.  She was powerless to escape the iron grip he had on her hips with his other arm and he could feel her tightening around him once more.

"Do. You. Yield?" He ask forcefully thrusting himself into her more fully with each word.

"I yield!" She screamed with her head thrown back.

Milo grabbed her hands and they both jumped over the edge.  Spent and unable to move on her own accord, Paige flopped onto Milo’s chest panting.  With extreme effort, Milo wrapped his arms around her and rolled to the side.

"Now, will you marry me?" He asked.

"Uh huh." Paige sighed.

"Ti amo, amore mio." (I love you my love.)

"Ti amo, troppo." (I love you too.)

The job

.... is going to kill us, we have come to this conclusion. We have also come to the conclusion that we are going to try this living in tandem thing since neither of us likes being locked away so we really feel bad for y’all... like all of y’all because we’re pretty sure it’s gonna be hell

On y’all...

Not for us.

Doctor canceled our appointment for medication refill so that might be why we are cosharing this body the way we are.

Boss hasn’t gotten to meet Claudette.  He’s white and kinda cute so she blubbers.  I ask questions.  He’s almost fifty and has two daughters and hasn’t been married in awhile.  Like awhile awhile.  She’s gonna have to handle that and stop blubbering when he works out makeline.

Am we weird that we find men who can dig their fingers into make like ingredients like pros so damn sexy?

I think we are.  Like prescription grade weird.

Anyway, we rocked the fuck outta work today and made $47 in tips PLUS beat our forecast.  So take that!

Yeah.  Today was a decently awesome day.

Signing off, Roxie! Stay chilly bishes!

So much shit....

You guys.... so much shit is going down, I'm not sure if I'm here or she's here... I think we're BOTH here which isn't good for anyone.

So tonight my newest District manager just found out that I haven't been lying when I keep telling them that I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB.  I have been telling them... WE have been telling them over and over again that there's no much shit we don't know how to do that they want us to do.  When it gets frustrating that no one listens and Claudette cries John and Sherry tell her to stop crying.  Sherry tells her "I wouldn't have given you this promotion if I didn't believe in you Caudiette!" I'm serious ya'll this woman has known me almost a year and has NEVER ONCE gotten my name right.  When We ask her for help all she has ever thrown in the past three to five weeks is a pep talk.  John gets pissed off when Claudette cries because she's so forking frustrated that no one will listen.  But tonight Brad asked the million dollar question...

"Well, you were an assistant Gm for what, a year or so before you got this store, right?"
"No, Brad, less than six months."
"Excuse me?"
"I started AGM on February 10."
"...of last year....?"
"This year."
"Excuse me?  I was under the impression that you had been running stores for awhile before this.  We have to get a list of things you know and don't know."
"Sherry has the list."
"What?"
"The list you're talking about.  It has three columns.  One for associate, one for shift leader and one for AGM/RGM' right"
"Yeah."
"I know everything in the associate list, missed four things in the shift leader list and only new four things in the AGM/RGM list"
"FOUR THINGS‽‽‽‽‽‽"

At this point you could practically hear his eyes bulging out of his skull.

"Yes four things and every time I ask for help and tell people that I don't know what I'm doing, John tells me to stop crying because that's all he thinks I do, and Sherry gives me a pep talk.  At least you have tried to help me but there's only so much you can do with the information you've been given and I don't think they told you the truth."

"..."

I think we are on the verge of being fired.  And we will be damned if they fire us because they put us in a position that we've told them repeatedly we weren't ready for.

And it all keeps coming down to one thing.

Sherry engineered this to get rid of us.  When Josh got on her nerves because she kept trying to make him feel like an incompetent ape that didn't know his job, she banished him to another district.  Somehow I annoyed her and she engineered this to get rid of me.

Before we got Chris at Mountain Island I was very sure that the Island was going to chew him up and spit him out like it did every other manager.  I called Sherry and I told her that when this store chewed upon the manager and spit him out I wanted to be trained to be the GM."  Those were the exact words that Claudette said to her.  Chris arrived three days later and four days later Claudette was given her own store.

And two weeks later, the island chewed up Chris and spit him out.

Sherry did this.  Somehow we pissed her off and she banished us.  And worse, she lied to her boss about what we could do in order to get rid of us.

Claudette is kinda worried that she's gotten Sherry in trouble with the revelation we imparted tonight.

Roxie (We're trying out names while we still "discuss" *Fight* over what I am going to be called.) doesn't give a bloody shit if Sherry gets her ass ripped from ear to ear over this.  Because every single thought we can have comes down to Sherry lied to get me out of her district.

And We'll be dammed if they fire us for not knowing our job.

Fork this.  Shortest respite in history.

Roxie's back bitches.  buckle up and hold on.  Shit's about to get real.

Whatever

I read back so I know what she's been up to so it's whatever, but she does have a name.  It's Dette and she's been answering to it for 23 years.  IF you answer to a name for 23 years, thats your name.  Deal with it.  Whatever, she 's gone.    Let's see if I can handle the world since she thinks that she has to be y superman cape.  I can assure you, she's not my superhero cape.  I can do this and she will no longer be needed.  She comes busting out when SHE thinks I need her but I don't need her.

Begone foul went and the next time you come busting out of your little room, I suggest you not get too comfortable out here in the light.  The sun is mine.  And I keep what's mine.

I feel selfish

SO VERY SELFISH.

So I've been here since Wednesday.  Since the RDM's boss decide to rip Claudette a new asshole and basically told her that he didn't care if that was the last day to save her home and then backed it up with he didn't want ti hear her crying because he was tired of it.  I mean we were kinda splitting the difference for a couple days because things were getting hectic and usually we split the body until it's decided if I get to go back to my little order or if I need to come out and play. There have been a few times where Claudette sent me back to my corner and handled a situation all on her own and to be honest I was hella proud of her.  When she made the decision to stop getting braids; one of the main identifiers that I was on my way out; and got dreadlocks, I thought, well that's it for me.  She's basically saying that she can handle life on her own from now on and I kinda sat back and occasionally watched the show.

Is it weird that I don't tune in 24/7?  I mean come on, it's kind of a boring show.  Work, sleep, work, sleep, shower, sleep, work, sleep... The same old same old every single boring damn day.  Hulu, Netflix, facebook... Do you know how many Disney movies you can see in one day??  A LOT. A FREAKING LOT!  I mean, I love Disney but she'd get a day away and she'd spend watching Disney WHICH ALWAYS MAKES HER CRY!

So Yes, I'm in there and as it was said to me recently, we are two sides of the same coin, I do not watch every little movement Claudette makes to make sure I'm not needed.  Trust me I can feel it when I'm needed.  It's like Defcon 5 in there when I'm needed.  My space gets smaller and I feel the need to get out.  I wonder if that's what labor and birth feels like?  You're all comfortable and chilling and then suddenly it's like "I need to get out now!"

Usually deafcon 5 is when I take over and there such a sudden change that most people don't know it's happened.  To this day, I think only one of my friends really knows when we've switched.  Thank God for Mary Beth because she seriously takes it in stride.  She has always been the voice of reason and believe it or not a couple of times when I was hanging out in the waiting room wondering if I was going to be needed, Claudette called her and I was able to go back to buy little space.

But now I'm feeling selfish.  I'm tired of only coming out when she can't handle things and I'm either at the point where I want to go in and never come back or stay out and never let her out. and I don't know how to handle that feeling.  For once, I don't know what to do.  The self confident, handles everything thrown at her, knows the workings of the world like th palm pf her hand, not afraid to cuss anyone out person has no idea what to do about feeling like she should never let Claudette out again.

And yes, this switch came with a little fun that I honestly hadn't counted on.  And this fun is fun and I want to do it again.  But what happens if I get pulled back and she takes over?  She can do that you know.  I don't always get to decided I'm done.

I do have wants.  I don't know if she knows that.  I want to be in love one day but he has to be someone I can talk with and not just have sex with.  He actually has to want me out of the bed as well as in it.  Can't have kids because she had to go have a hysterectomy.  Gotta say, that was fun.  Pain meds put her way under so I got to swim to the top and it was like "I'm sorry, we had WHAT DONE???"  But I'd like that love thing.  I'd like sex.  I'd like to watch a sunset come up.  And going back for clarification...  when I said I wanted that marriage thing, did I say I wanted that?  I kinda want that.  She wants a big white wedding and all the frills.  You know what I want?  A cute dress, my friends and one of our friends who probably got ordained online to officiate.  Then we all get drunk and I get to go have sex.

But how do you explain to someone that is probably the love of your life that he can marry me Whatever the hell my name is and wake up with shy Claudette one damn day?  How do you explain that she will play along and be a good wife but there are things that might not be the same and I don't know the trigger to bring me out just forking because?  So no marriage for me unless he's really understanding.  Fork that.

And I'd like to go out on a date.  Socialization would be awesome.  Claudette has like zero social skills.  Not to say that I have many myself but dammit a date would be cool.

I have way too may complaints for someone who is only supposed to be here to fix things.  But I'm tired of just fixing things.  Do you know I'm actually enjoying running my own restaurant and I can't help but feel that when she takes over again, she's just gonna fork things back up and cry.

Dammit I want to stay.  For good.  I've never felt like this, like ever, but I don't wanna go back.  I don't wanna get put back in my little space and then pulled out when needed.

FORK!!!!!!  Why does her computer autocorrect me when I use the f word?  Did I miss something?

Fork this.  Whatever, I need to learn  to accept what I can't change.

No one has ever asked me my name...

And the bad part is I’m not sure I have one.  From the beginning I began to answer to Dette and I guess that became my name but to be honest I want something more exotic.  Nothing stupidly exotic but something that differentiates me from Claudette because I am not her.

No matter whether you believe we are two different people or not, I honestly don’t give a rats ass but just don’t confuse us.  I will answer to Dette if it will make everyone feel more comfortable but I’m pretty sure that’s not my name.

I should probably figure out a name for myself.

Hmmmm