I feel selfish

SO VERY SELFISH.

So I've been here since Wednesday.  Since the RDM's boss decide to rip Claudette a new asshole and basically told her that he didn't care if that was the last day to save her home and then backed it up with he didn't want ti hear her crying because he was tired of it.  I mean we were kinda splitting the difference for a couple days because things were getting hectic and usually we split the body until it's decided if I get to go back to my little order or if I need to come out and play. There have been a few times where Claudette sent me back to my corner and handled a situation all on her own and to be honest I was hella proud of her.  When she made the decision to stop getting braids; one of the main identifiers that I was on my way out; and got dreadlocks, I thought, well that's it for me.  She's basically saying that she can handle life on her own from now on and I kinda sat back and occasionally watched the show.

Is it weird that I don't tune in 24/7?  I mean come on, it's kind of a boring show.  Work, sleep, work, sleep, shower, sleep, work, sleep... The same old same old every single boring damn day.  Hulu, Netflix, facebook... Do you know how many Disney movies you can see in one day??  A LOT. A FREAKING LOT!  I mean, I love Disney but she'd get a day away and she'd spend watching Disney WHICH ALWAYS MAKES HER CRY!

So Yes, I'm in there and as it was said to me recently, we are two sides of the same coin, I do not watch every little movement Claudette makes to make sure I'm not needed.  Trust me I can feel it when I'm needed.  It's like Defcon 5 in there when I'm needed.  My space gets smaller and I feel the need to get out.  I wonder if that's what labor and birth feels like?  You're all comfortable and chilling and then suddenly it's like "I need to get out now!"

Usually deafcon 5 is when I take over and there such a sudden change that most people don't know it's happened.  To this day, I think only one of my friends really knows when we've switched.  Thank God for Mary Beth because she seriously takes it in stride.  She has always been the voice of reason and believe it or not a couple of times when I was hanging out in the waiting room wondering if I was going to be needed, Claudette called her and I was able to go back to buy little space.

But now I'm feeling selfish.  I'm tired of only coming out when she can't handle things and I'm either at the point where I want to go in and never come back or stay out and never let her out. and I don't know how to handle that feeling.  For once, I don't know what to do.  The self confident, handles everything thrown at her, knows the workings of the world like th palm pf her hand, not afraid to cuss anyone out person has no idea what to do about feeling like she should never let Claudette out again.

And yes, this switch came with a little fun that I honestly hadn't counted on.  And this fun is fun and I want to do it again.  But what happens if I get pulled back and she takes over?  She can do that you know.  I don't always get to decided I'm done.

I do have wants.  I don't know if she knows that.  I want to be in love one day but he has to be someone I can talk with and not just have sex with.  He actually has to want me out of the bed as well as in it.  Can't have kids because she had to go have a hysterectomy.  Gotta say, that was fun.  Pain meds put her way under so I got to swim to the top and it was like "I'm sorry, we had WHAT DONE???"  But I'd like that love thing.  I'd like sex.  I'd like to watch a sunset come up.  And going back for clarification...  when I said I wanted that marriage thing, did I say I wanted that?  I kinda want that.  She wants a big white wedding and all the frills.  You know what I want?  A cute dress, my friends and one of our friends who probably got ordained online to officiate.  Then we all get drunk and I get to go have sex.

But how do you explain to someone that is probably the love of your life that he can marry me Whatever the hell my name is and wake up with shy Claudette one damn day?  How do you explain that she will play along and be a good wife but there are things that might not be the same and I don't know the trigger to bring me out just forking because?  So no marriage for me unless he's really understanding.  Fork that.

And I'd like to go out on a date.  Socialization would be awesome.  Claudette has like zero social skills.  Not to say that I have many myself but dammit a date would be cool.

I have way too may complaints for someone who is only supposed to be here to fix things.  But I'm tired of just fixing things.  Do you know I'm actually enjoying running my own restaurant and I can't help but feel that when she takes over again, she's just gonna fork things back up and cry.

Dammit I want to stay.  For good.  I've never felt like this, like ever, but I don't wanna go back.  I don't wanna get put back in my little space and then pulled out when needed.

FORK!!!!!!  Why does her computer autocorrect me when I use the f word?  Did I miss something?

Fork this.  Whatever, I need to learn  to accept what I can't change.