I guess she's gone

So I'm guessing Roxie is gone.  No goodbye to me or anything.  Not even a random bag of Candy Corn left on my desk.

But I guess that's okay too.

So I'm pretty sure I'm ready to talk about it without crying too much and if I or she talked about it I apologize for repeating myself (Ourselves?). But Monday night was unofficially the last time I will ever set foot in a Pizza Hut again.

Monday, and understand that this is the last night that Roxie and I were together, we get this call from a friend at another hut telling us that the manager there was telling someone how he was taking over Arboretum the next day.  That was our store.  She called us to warn us that we were getting fired.  So we called Brad who, of course, sent us to voicemail but answered the "Am I getting fired?" (Because he refused to acknowledge the DID diagnosis) and he answered with "no but we need to talk tomorrow". Our response was that we were off tomorrow.  Never once did we ask if we could meet Wednesday or anything and never once did he offer to meet us somewhere Tuesday.

Wednesday morning, I woke up.  Just me.  Roxie was there but she was chilling.  It was a day off so she wasn't needed. I could feel her but not to the point where she was in any way in control.  And I spent the day cleaning and doing laundry and whatnot.  Brad texted and asked me to meet him at the Bojangles behind Mountain Island at 930 am.  I asked is this a meeting I had to dress in uniform for.  He said yes, I said okay.

Wednesday Morning, again, I woke up.  But instead of knowing Roxie was there, I didn't.  I even sat in the car and asked her if she wanted to do this or did she want me to do this and I got no answer.  None whatsoever so I figured if I needed her to handle this she'd come out.

I was wrong.  Roxie apparently decided it was time for me to start living and handling shit all on my own.  Admittedly I still kinda low key resent her for that but in a way, I can't really blame her because I know now, that I was hiding behind her.  Anyway, I walked into he restaurant and brad came in shortly after.  Without preamble he slid a sheet in front of me and told me in the most clinical and cold voice that I have EVER heard that I was being demoted to a shift leader.  Not assistant manager not being given the help I need.  Not even going to be working with the guy that said he was taking over my store. I was being demoted and sent back to prosperity.  The store I was shot at over some damn chicken wings.  And I was being demoted to a pay rate lower than that that I had hired my own shift leads at.

Understand that at this point they have more than doubled my rent, taken away my food stamps and for days I had been living without water because I couldn't afford the bill.  Not once did Brad ask me if everything was okay.  He's over there every damn day asking if Diamond was okay and texting her all the time but never once did he ask me if I was okay to which I would have probably not said yes for the first time.

Not only was he sending me back to the store I was shot at, he was cutting my pay in half if not more and telling me that sometimes I'd even be a driver.

I cried for Roxie.  I signed his paper because I thought I could do it and maybe then I thought I could do but I signed it and left.  I got in the car and I begged for Roxie to answer me but all I got was silence so I went to housing and showed them and then I went to Kelley who reactivated me as a Keeper.  So didn't have a gap job wise.

And then I went home and commenced drinking.  You don't need to know the gory details of it but apparently I am a very... uh... social drunk and called a lot of people.  In the end, Kat had to come from her job and put me to bed.  Also... Apparently Roxie said goodbye to her.  She said that I had been asleep for awhile but I looked her in the eyes and said Thank you for helping her, I can sleep now.  So Roxie said goodbye someone.

Not that I'm not used to it.  Usually when Roxie goes away for long periods of time she doesn't say goodbye in the traditional sense.  I usually get what I feel like is a random hug and then she's gone and I don't know when she'll be back.  If she'll be back.  How to bring her back.

This episode in "Down the Rabbit hole" has taught me one thing though.....  As a person, you expect certain people to always be there and some others to at least not run away but more than two of the people that I had hoped would at least try to help me, ran.  And I don't mean ran with small letters I mean RAN with capital bold letters.  One of whom I, Claudette, really liked.  And honestly, I think him running away hurts more than Roxie going away because I know one day, Roxie will be back back but him, he, he won't be because I think I'm smart enough to realize now that when the chips are down, he will probably cash out and walk away from the table.  And I don't think I can feel that hurt anymore.  Realizing that he could do that as coldly as Brad and his meeting hurt almost as bad as Brad and his meeting and I can't feel that way ever again.  I don't want to feel that way ever again.  Either you are there for it all or not there at all.  I forgive him though.    If I had readers out here, I would ask if it's possible to even feel like a friend to him but I don't have readers.  Silly Dette, Readers are for popular people! LOL.

I mean, can you call someone that drops you that bad a friend?  Can you?

One friend gave me his honest open opinion about the whole thing and I respect him.  He's still my friend.  I may be feeling a bit salty towards him but he's always been my friend, he's always given his whole opinion and he's never lied.  So yeah, he's a friend.

I have to think on the first guy.  Probably to be blogged about another time because that's going to have to be a conference between my head and my heart and right now, my heart is on crutches hobbling to and fro and my head is being stubborn and telling my heart to suck it up while it goes through stacks of paperwork for the last few weeks trying to sort out what the hell just happened.  How we went down the rabbit hole how we called out Roxie, how the last few weeks just happened because I'm going to be brutally honest, There are somethings that Roxie did that I have no memory of except snatches of conversations she may have wanted me to hear or text messages between her and whoever.  Right now my brain feels like the most overworked secretary in the world.

But I'm able to function again, so Roxie, if you're out in the ether and you surface long enough to read this, Thank you and I love you because if you hadn't been here these last few weeks I'm pretty sure id be dead right now.  So thank you.  Thank you for being the Wonder Woman you apparently always have been.

Ciao Bellas. Have to take the minion to work.

R- Let’s talk about sex baby...

Let’s talk about that for a second.  

I mean.  I just stood in the mirror looking at this body for like twenty minutes.  It’s got some curves and some dents but it’s not bad.  The boobs are about palm sized and not hard, the nipples are kinda responsive.

It’s not a bad body, so why does no one want it?  We need to work on that.  Yeah.  

I wonder...

When people decide to kill themselves, do they contemplate it for awhile, then decide they aren’t going to do it, then decide to change their lives, then something snaps and boom?  Life over.

Problems for them done, problems for everyone else just beginnng?  Like is there a thought process?  Stages?

I’m pretty convinced that if there are stages, I’m at the life affirmation, deciding to turn it all around stage.  That being said I wonder what stage is next?  The one when you get extremely angry because you realize your ass is stuck?  The one where you jus decide fork it?

I wish I could just kill me and not Roxie because it’s me that’s depressed.  She’s not depressed.  She’s angry that I can’t pull myself out of this depression.  Not even having probably the best weekend of my life can pull me completely out of this hole.

And believe me when I say it was the best weekend I have had in so long I can’t remember a better weekend.  But I was only halfway out of my hole when I had to go back to work and got blamed for shit that I wasn’t even there for.

My inventory was off.  No prep was done.  Truck was still in the floor.  The computer was frozen. There was expired product in the walk in because of the two managers there, not one person realized that he sixteenth was two forking days ago and that the tenth was over a week ago.

But it’s my fault.  Because I’m the general manager.

I’m both relieved and terrified to say that it took Roxie point five seconds to decide fork the cohabitation thing and shove me back in my black hole of nothing which is oddly becoming quite a comforting place since nothing and no one can seem to hurt me there.

Well the cheese can.  The cheese and the hut can hurt me no matter if I’m in my deep dark blackness, at the beach frolicking in the waves, trudging through sand dunes tonsee a ighthouse that admittedly was really pretty, or even having a drink for my goddamn birthday.  The cheese can hurt me.
Something happened to all the wings.  I wasn’t there but it was my fault that we only had three bags this morning.

Have you ever seen two personalities fight over a text?  I assure you it’s actually kind of funny.  I mean when my ass began to get cheeed this morning I was like "but I wasn’t even here how is this my fault?" But Roxie was all like "You can kiss the part of my ass that I haven’t wiped after eating four day old Mexican food!" We typed the response text so many times and deleted it to rewrite it, that we actually got a text in the middle of it asking if we had an answer.

Sadly or maybe not sadly, an edited version of Roxie’s text is what got sent...  the boss realized later in when she went off on the other managers for ignoring her but sitting up and clapping for the batshit crazy phsycho manager that is allowed to quit every damn day for two weeks and still have a store show.  I swear.  Roxie’s pissed off was felt in like six stores and the dm’s office/car today.  She asked three times if anyone had any wings and no one bothered to answer.  So finally she asked if she could be taken out of the chat because she was tired of being ignored.  That she was always there if they had a question that she might be able to answer but it was amazing how when she needed one goddamn answer suddenly everyone’s phone was dead. She was immediately answered with no no one had any spare wings and the dm telling her to order some from the warehouse and he would personally go pick it up.

I can’t say how I came out of my black hole that Roxie places me in for my own protection but I’m out.  Probably because she worked hard to correct the mistakes in the store today and when she’s tired here are less barriers for me to get through.

It’s okay Roxie.  You sleep now.  Tomorrow I will see the doctor and try not to sound like a blubbering mess that’ll get us locked up in an asylum when I try to explain how stressed we are.  I never get to say this to you, but I got you.  For right now.  I got this.  You rest.

I’m not out of the hole that threatening to swallow us both, but I’m out of it enough that for this one time, I can hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay for tonight.

It’s an aside, but everyone knows that losing someone very dear to them is horrible and there’s levels to your healing process but telling someone to stop complaining that they looked ugly on the morning of their fortieth birthday because every birthday is a gift and her husband didn’t get that gift is not okay.  Not okay like at all and the person who pulled that stunt is so very very lucky that both of us have an immense amount of respect and didn’t go off in her for it because it was done to us at the worst possible time today.


I’m tired now.  I think going t bed is the best possible thing I could do.

Ciao Bellas

Not waking up

It’s hard to show who’s typing right now because both of us are wondering what hat it be like if we’d never been born?  What what it’d have been like if we never split into two and what would it be like if we took the rest of this bottle of clonazapam and a handful of tradodone and just... didn’t wake up...

It’d be like going to sleep right?  Dying? Leaving all the pain behind and for once not feeling like we’re no good enough, not pretty enough, not competent enough, or just to put it simply not enough...

The mother unit would be broken, there’s no doubt about that. But unlike us, she has God to turn to. He still talks to her.  Or maybe it’s that she still talks to him.  We’re not really sure how the religious thing works anymore.

The kids would be mad and sad but they’d have their dad and Gabby to cling to.  He’d get to be the only parent whichbhes wanted for as long as e can remember, she’d get to be mom to all of them.  Well probably just Livy and Jojo.  We don’t think she really ever cared for Kayla but we did and that was enough.

Kay would blame Pizza Hut and we feel that somehow this would break her more than it would break anyone else.  For that we apologize.

The father unit.... ell bless him but he’s just come back into our lives and he’s never been aware that there’s wonof us and he’d probably say I was Gods plan and the mother unit would finally beat he shit out of him because there is no plan that her God could have that would rob her of her baby.

The Hut wouldn’t feel a damn thing.  They’d replace us without a second thought although if we ever did this there would be a note telling one and all that he Hut precipitated this cation of cowardice.

Of all the people we would feel for... not sorry... but feel in our eternal soul... would be the friend units that have always been there and have bent over backwards to try and pull us out of our holes.  They have talked us down, talked us up, takes to us t our lower points, laughed with us at our higher points.  For them we would probably hate what we’d done.

But we’d be free.  And maybe finally the two different people that we are.  Claudette could see what Roxie looks like and vice versa because we thing if we ever got separated we might look like very different.

We apologize.  But this is something hat we’ve been thinking more and more about every day that life tells us we aren’t good enough.  We apologize if we ever do this but the pain is getting too much and we can’t hold on much longer.  We’ve been holding on as long as we can and pretty soon our grip is going to slip and when it does....

We are truly sorry.

Grey walls

Roxie here... so I did a thing.

  A couple of things actually.  I asked someone for a play date but he said he was busy so I was faced with a couple of options.

One.  Deal with it.  Nope.

Two: respect his request for monogamy and find something to do with our time.

Three: screw his request for monogamy and go find us a plaything which would likely get us caught up in something we didn’t want to be in and the play date requested would find out and that would be the end of that.

We chose option two.  Or rather I did.  I chugged a shitton of starbucks and painted a wall.  With glitter.

And I only half finished it.

Claudette was a little peeved.

I need a play date.  I don’t think Claudette will handle it well if I paint anything else...

Government issued dick where r u?

I’m reaching that point where the government issued fuck boy should be getting ready to be shipped to my house any day now.

I mean seriously, why isn’t this a thing?  Why can’t the government just make this happen?  They can regulate everything else...

I’m about to go watch fifty shades of kinky fuckery again just so I can remember what sex between two people is because self serve sex is NOT sex.  I don’t care what people say.

I’ve screamed my own name so much even the neighbors know when I’m using the self serve lane...

Excerpt of Catching the Duchess

Just because I want to be obtuse....

She stalked back to the stairs and back up to the kitchen muttering about men and their stupid ways.  Rosa didn’t even look up as Paige stomped through.  Andrew met her at the stairs and quietly pressed himself against the wall for her to pass.  She muttered all the way to her room where she slammed the door hard enough to make the pictures on the wall shake.  

She barely been in the room when the door opened and Milo came in.

"You are the most bull headed woman I have ever met.  Do you ever listen?  At all?"

"Yes I listen but I don’t take orders.  You can’t order me around like I’m one of your subjects."

"I know you’re not one of my subjects.  They listen!"

"I don’t do blind obedience."

"I’ve never asked you for blind obedience.  Never once!"

"No you just wanted me to be blind!" Paige yelled.

"How do you figure that?"

"I was supposed to be blind to the fact that you hired me a bodyguard so you’d know where I was all the time?  I was supposed to be blind to you paying my bills? I was supposed to let that poor kid that Rogan beat up rot in jail or let you hurt him more?"

"I hired Rogan to make your life easier.  I paid your bills because I love you and I want you to want for nothing! And for the last time, He SHOT YOU!  Of course I was going to beat him as badly as I could."

"This is what I’m talking about!  You run roughshod over my life like I can only hurt myself if I’m in charge of it!"

"What the hell?  How did you get that impression?!" 

"His gun shot me.  It didn’t shoot you!" Paige yelled. "I let him go because he didn’t mean to shoot!"

"How exactly do you hold a gun to someone’s head with no intention to shoot?"

"He was a teenager who needed money!" Paige yelled "He was desperate!"

"Oh My GOD you have such a bleeding heart!  If it had been anyone else he would have shot them, taken their wallet, and gone about his business."

"If it had been anyone else and he’d meant to shoot them he’d be in jail now."

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what?!?!?"

"He meant to shoot you!" Milo yelled

"I wouldn’t have even been in that damn park if you hadn’t hired me a bodyguard that I needed to sneak away from!"

"Will you stop jumping around on subjects!?!?"

"Will you stop trying to control me like one of your subjects?!?"

"I DO NOT control my subjects!"

"If you say jump, do they ask how high?"

"If I were stupid enough to make such an asinine request, they might!"

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what?!?!?"

"You!  You can’t control everything!  You have been pulling the strings since the night I met you!"

"Besides trying to protect you, name one thing, one thing that I did wrong."

"You could have told me who you were!"

"We’ve been through this!  You wouldn’t have believed me and when you finally did you would run away!"

"Who says I wouldn’t have stuck it out?"

"My grandmother told you who I was and you ran away.  And not just ran away, you ran around the whole damn world and back again!"

"Because I wanted you to give up!"

"I will never give up."

"You have to."

For a second, Milo had to take a step back.  As she‘d said the last sentence color flooded back into her eyes.

"Why?" he asked gulping.

"Because you and I can’t be together."

"Give me one good reason."

"You’re a Prince in a country that’s still a monarchy."

"So?"

"You need to go back to your people.  You’re going to be king someday.  They need you."

"I need my queen."

"The Queen, your grandmother, has made it abundantly clear that I’m not good enough for you or her country." Paige replied.

"Then my brother will have to be king."

"You think it’s a simple as that?  I will not be made out to be the modern day Wallis Simpson.  You will not abdicate your throne.  You will go back to Dalistos and we’ll forget any of this ever happened."

"No."

"No?"

"You heard me.  I snuck off the island to find you.  I followed the plan of a teenager to get to you.  I am not going anywhere without you."

"Why won’t you see reason, Milo?"

"Frustrating woman!  How many languages do I have to say it in?  I love you!  Ti amo!  Ik hou van je!  Rakastan sinua!  Eu te amo!  Seni seviyorum!  Je t'aime!  Jeg elsker dig!!  Nakupenda!"

Paige stepped back from Milo.  With every language his voice got louder.

"Okay I know French and the Italian, but I’m sure a few of those you made up." She said.

"In order, English, Italian, Dutch, Finnish, Portuguese, Turkish, French, Danish, and Swahili.  I’m pretty sure that I can find a few more languages both made up and real to say it in but the point is that I love you and I’m not going anywhere until you agree to be my wife.  From the moment you snuggled against me after the first night I knew that you were more than a one night stand.  When you cried in France I knew I had moved too fast but I couldn’t stop.  Heaven help me, I wanted for you never to want for anything in your life.  I wanted for you to know unconditional love from a man and no strife or heartache.  I can’t apologize for the way I went about it but I didn’t know any other way than to give you the same comforts I have.  My grandmother is a witch.  She always has been.  She had to be.  After my father died she was faced with having to raise two grandsons and she had already spent half of her life to that point raising a son to be king.  So she’s bitter.  It doesn’t excuse what she said to you, nothing will.  But she’s on the island.  If you won’t go back there, I will abdicate and stay here in England.  Dominic will be king and you and I can live our life in peace but you have to believe me when I say, for the last time,  that I am sorry for everything in the past and that I love you." Milo said. "I’m not going anywhere."

Milo finished and pulled Paige to him in an Earth shattering kiss.  It started as an act of dominance but quickly turned into a struggle of mastery.

He put both hands on the collar of her shirt and ripped it apart, sending buttons flying.  She did the same to his t-shirt.  He ran fingers around the waist of her skirt and yanked.  The silk tore away leaving Paige in her bra, underwear, and pumps.  Paige shoved his shorts and underwear down with one push and he sprang free against her stomach.  He grabbed her hair and pulled her head back.  As she gripped him in her hands he ran his tongue and teeth down her neck.  Suddenly Paige pushed back from him and out of his embrace.

They glared at each other for a moment in pure lust. As they stood there, the clear sapphire that was Paige’s normal eye color deepened into a fathomless pool of blue so dark he couldn’t make out the pupil.  Before he could adjust, Paige whipped a stunned Milo around and shoved him down to the bed.  As he sat on the edge of bed staring up at her, Paige sunk to her knees and took him into her mouth.  He grabbed the bed post tightly as Paige took him to the very back of her throat and purred.

"Ah God!" Milo choked out.

With hands, tongue, and lips, Paige worked to bring him to the edge.  Just when he thought he was going to go careening off the mountain gladly, she would ease up and take him back down.  The fourth time she brought him back to the edge, Milo put his hand on the back of her head and refused to let her stop her sweet torment.  When he could stand it no longer, he took his hand from the back of Paige’s head and grabbed the bedspread.  She came away just as Milo growled her name and came over her hands.  Paige sat back on her heels and looked smug as he spiraled back down to earth.

Satisfied that she’d won the upper hand, Paige got to her feet and walked to the bathroom, but she didn’t make it far.  Milo shot up and grabbed her hand.  With a devious smile and more energy than he should have, he threw her down on the bed.

"My turn."

"Show me what ya got." Paige taunted.

Slowly, as if he were a tiger stalking his prey, Milo crawled up the length of her.  He pressed her into the mattress with a kiss but came up as she caught his bottom lip between her teeth.  He tugged it free and started his descent lower.  Slowly he pulled the straps of her bra down each arm until, too late, Paige realized that in her position, her arms were now trapped.  Slowly he pulled the cups on the bra down so that her breasts freed themselves.  He took one nipple into his mouth and tortured it with his tongue; relishing the way it came to life and hardened in his mouth.  His tongue flicked back and forth over the ultra sensitive bud until Paige was squirming.  Then he moved to the other breast repeating his sweet ministrations until she was panting from the sensations.  He moved up to kiss her again.

"Is that all you’ve got" Paige taunted when he’d pulled back.

"Oh no.  Not by a long shot."

He went back to her breasts but this time, the hand not supporting him worked its way into her lacy underwear.  With his index finger he began to play with her bud, coaxing it from its hiding spot.  He’d flick his tongue then he’d circle his finger.  Paige moaned and bucked but he held on.  Slowly, Milo slipped his middle finger into her, working it in a circular motion.  Presently he slipped his ring finger inside the tightness.  Paige bucked harder, but it only made his fingers sink deeper.

"Ah!" She moaned.

After her nipples were sufficiently suckled and in no danger of ever retreating, Milo, still working his hand began to work his mouth down her body.  For a fraction of a second, he removed his hand only to turn it and begin ministrations again.  With his free hand, he slipped the bit of lace down and began a slow, sweet reign of kisses up her inner thigh pausing to circle the tender flesh at each kiss site with the point of his tongue.  Paige buckled and twisted, trying to escape, but nothing could free her but the orgasm that seemed to be just out of her reach.  As his kisses reached his hand, Milo let his tongue replace his thumb as he began working her clitoris. Slow swipes with the tip of his tongue and it came out to play only to have Milo blow cold air on it for it to retreat.    It was when he began to suck at it in earnest that Paige shot like a rocket to the top of her peak and prepared to jump off.  The slight tension around his fingers tipped Milo off and he ceased his ministrations completely, sending Paige sliding back to the base of her mountain.

"No!" Paige groaned. "No! No! No!"

To which, Milo responded by resuming his torture by returning to her breasts and starting from the top.

In answer to the four times Paige carried him to his peak and denied him release, Milo worked Paige up only to deny her the very same jump into oblivion.  She mewed, groaned, and even cursed him roundly but he refused her the final break.  

"Please…" She mewed.

It was the tone Milo had been waiting for.  He left her breasts one final time and moved his face down between her legs.  Silently, he curled his middle and index finger into her and circled all while using his tongue to draw her bud out to play again.  She tightened around his fingers, her bud came out to play, and she spiraled off into oblivion calling his name as she broke into a million pieces. Before she could touch back down to earth, Milo’d unhooked her bra, freed her arms, laid back on the bed, and pulled her astride him.

As Paige’s senses touched back down, Milo slammed her onto him and grabbed her hips setting a breakneck speed.  Not one to be outdone, Paige held on letting the sensation build.  Suddenly, Milo withdrew from her causing Paige to half scream, half whimper.  He bent her over and took her from behind.  He leaned in close as if he were going to stretch and kiss her, but he wrapped his hands around her middle to finger her as he thrust, sending ripples of desire through Paige.  

Every time one of them was close to that epic, final jump into oblivion, Milo would stop and reposition them.  After taking her from behind, he went to her on top but backwards so that when she lay back, he had free reign on her breasts.  When he felt her tightening again, he swapped them around again, so that he was on top and able to make it as slow as he pleased.  To her credit, Paige tried everything in her power to speed him but the more she tried, the slower he went until, at one point, he was pausing between each thrust of his hips.

"You can’t continue this forever." Paige breathed. "You have to let go sometime and when you do…"

"I’m taking you right with me." He replied as he thrust into her one more time. "Do you yield?"

"Never."

He ripped himself from her body only to fall to the bed and drag her on top of him.  She tried to get on him but he kept moving from her grasp.

"Do you yield?" he asked.

"Never." She replied catching him and holding him straight as she sank onto him.

This time Paige set the rhythm for a bit before Milo took her hips in his hands and began pumping her harder.

"Do you yield?" he asked

"Never!" but there was much less conviction to the word than before.

He began to thumb her clitoris again as he grinded her atop him.  She was powerless to escape the iron grip he had on her hips with his other arm and he could feel her tightening around him once more.

"Do. You. Yield?" He ask forcefully thrusting himself into her more fully with each word.

"I yield!" She screamed with her head thrown back.

Milo grabbed her hands and they both jumped over the edge.  Spent and unable to move on her own accord, Paige flopped onto Milo’s chest panting.  With extreme effort, Milo wrapped his arms around her and rolled to the side.

"Now, will you marry me?" He asked.

"Uh huh." Paige sighed.

"Ti amo, amore mio." (I love you my love.)

"Ti amo, troppo." (I love you too.)

The job

.... is going to kill us, we have come to this conclusion. We have also come to the conclusion that we are going to try this living in tandem thing since neither of us likes being locked away so we really feel bad for y’all... like all of y’all because we’re pretty sure it’s gonna be hell

On y’all...

Not for us.

Doctor canceled our appointment for medication refill so that might be why we are cosharing this body the way we are.

Boss hasn’t gotten to meet Claudette.  He’s white and kinda cute so she blubbers.  I ask questions.  He’s almost fifty and has two daughters and hasn’t been married in awhile.  Like awhile awhile.  She’s gonna have to handle that and stop blubbering when he works out makeline.

Am we weird that we find men who can dig their fingers into make like ingredients like pros so damn sexy?

I think we are.  Like prescription grade weird.

Anyway, we rocked the fuck outta work today and made $47 in tips PLUS beat our forecast.  So take that!

Yeah.  Today was a decently awesome day.

Signing off, Roxie! Stay chilly bishes!

So much shit....

You guys.... so much shit is going down, I'm not sure if I'm here or she's here... I think we're BOTH here which isn't good for anyone.

So tonight my newest District manager just found out that I haven't been lying when I keep telling them that I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB.  I have been telling them... WE have been telling them over and over again that there's no much shit we don't know how to do that they want us to do.  When it gets frustrating that no one listens and Claudette cries John and Sherry tell her to stop crying.  Sherry tells her "I wouldn't have given you this promotion if I didn't believe in you Caudiette!" I'm serious ya'll this woman has known me almost a year and has NEVER ONCE gotten my name right.  When We ask her for help all she has ever thrown in the past three to five weeks is a pep talk.  John gets pissed off when Claudette cries because she's so forking frustrated that no one will listen.  But tonight Brad asked the million dollar question...

"Well, you were an assistant Gm for what, a year or so before you got this store, right?"
"No, Brad, less than six months."
"Excuse me?"
"I started AGM on February 10."
"...of last year....?"
"This year."
"Excuse me?  I was under the impression that you had been running stores for awhile before this.  We have to get a list of things you know and don't know."
"Sherry has the list."
"What?"
"The list you're talking about.  It has three columns.  One for associate, one for shift leader and one for AGM/RGM' right"
"Yeah."
"I know everything in the associate list, missed four things in the shift leader list and only new four things in the AGM/RGM list"
"FOUR THINGS‽‽‽‽‽‽"

At this point you could practically hear his eyes bulging out of his skull.

"Yes four things and every time I ask for help and tell people that I don't know what I'm doing, John tells me to stop crying because that's all he thinks I do, and Sherry gives me a pep talk.  At least you have tried to help me but there's only so much you can do with the information you've been given and I don't think they told you the truth."

"..."

I think we are on the verge of being fired.  And we will be damned if they fire us because they put us in a position that we've told them repeatedly we weren't ready for.

And it all keeps coming down to one thing.

Sherry engineered this to get rid of us.  When Josh got on her nerves because she kept trying to make him feel like an incompetent ape that didn't know his job, she banished him to another district.  Somehow I annoyed her and she engineered this to get rid of me.

Before we got Chris at Mountain Island I was very sure that the Island was going to chew him up and spit him out like it did every other manager.  I called Sherry and I told her that when this store chewed upon the manager and spit him out I wanted to be trained to be the GM."  Those were the exact words that Claudette said to her.  Chris arrived three days later and four days later Claudette was given her own store.

And two weeks later, the island chewed up Chris and spit him out.

Sherry did this.  Somehow we pissed her off and she banished us.  And worse, she lied to her boss about what we could do in order to get rid of us.

Claudette is kinda worried that she's gotten Sherry in trouble with the revelation we imparted tonight.

Roxie (We're trying out names while we still "discuss" *Fight* over what I am going to be called.) doesn't give a bloody shit if Sherry gets her ass ripped from ear to ear over this.  Because every single thought we can have comes down to Sherry lied to get me out of her district.

And We'll be dammed if they fire us for not knowing our job.

Fork this.  Shortest respite in history.

Roxie's back bitches.  buckle up and hold on.  Shit's about to get real.

Whatever

I read back so I know what she's been up to so it's whatever, but she does have a name.  It's Dette and she's been answering to it for 23 years.  IF you answer to a name for 23 years, thats your name.  Deal with it.  Whatever, she 's gone.    Let's see if I can handle the world since she thinks that she has to be y superman cape.  I can assure you, she's not my superhero cape.  I can do this and she will no longer be needed.  She comes busting out when SHE thinks I need her but I don't need her.

Begone foul went and the next time you come busting out of your little room, I suggest you not get too comfortable out here in the light.  The sun is mine.  And I keep what's mine.

I feel selfish

SO VERY SELFISH.

So I've been here since Wednesday.  Since the RDM's boss decide to rip Claudette a new asshole and basically told her that he didn't care if that was the last day to save her home and then backed it up with he didn't want ti hear her crying because he was tired of it.  I mean we were kinda splitting the difference for a couple days because things were getting hectic and usually we split the body until it's decided if I get to go back to my little order or if I need to come out and play. There have been a few times where Claudette sent me back to my corner and handled a situation all on her own and to be honest I was hella proud of her.  When she made the decision to stop getting braids; one of the main identifiers that I was on my way out; and got dreadlocks, I thought, well that's it for me.  She's basically saying that she can handle life on her own from now on and I kinda sat back and occasionally watched the show.

Is it weird that I don't tune in 24/7?  I mean come on, it's kind of a boring show.  Work, sleep, work, sleep, shower, sleep, work, sleep... The same old same old every single boring damn day.  Hulu, Netflix, facebook... Do you know how many Disney movies you can see in one day??  A LOT. A FREAKING LOT!  I mean, I love Disney but she'd get a day away and she'd spend watching Disney WHICH ALWAYS MAKES HER CRY!

So Yes, I'm in there and as it was said to me recently, we are two sides of the same coin, I do not watch every little movement Claudette makes to make sure I'm not needed.  Trust me I can feel it when I'm needed.  It's like Defcon 5 in there when I'm needed.  My space gets smaller and I feel the need to get out.  I wonder if that's what labor and birth feels like?  You're all comfortable and chilling and then suddenly it's like "I need to get out now!"

Usually deafcon 5 is when I take over and there such a sudden change that most people don't know it's happened.  To this day, I think only one of my friends really knows when we've switched.  Thank God for Mary Beth because she seriously takes it in stride.  She has always been the voice of reason and believe it or not a couple of times when I was hanging out in the waiting room wondering if I was going to be needed, Claudette called her and I was able to go back to buy little space.

But now I'm feeling selfish.  I'm tired of only coming out when she can't handle things and I'm either at the point where I want to go in and never come back or stay out and never let her out. and I don't know how to handle that feeling.  For once, I don't know what to do.  The self confident, handles everything thrown at her, knows the workings of the world like th palm pf her hand, not afraid to cuss anyone out person has no idea what to do about feeling like she should never let Claudette out again.

And yes, this switch came with a little fun that I honestly hadn't counted on.  And this fun is fun and I want to do it again.  But what happens if I get pulled back and she takes over?  She can do that you know.  I don't always get to decided I'm done.

I do have wants.  I don't know if she knows that.  I want to be in love one day but he has to be someone I can talk with and not just have sex with.  He actually has to want me out of the bed as well as in it.  Can't have kids because she had to go have a hysterectomy.  Gotta say, that was fun.  Pain meds put her way under so I got to swim to the top and it was like "I'm sorry, we had WHAT DONE???"  But I'd like that love thing.  I'd like sex.  I'd like to watch a sunset come up.  And going back for clarification...  when I said I wanted that marriage thing, did I say I wanted that?  I kinda want that.  She wants a big white wedding and all the frills.  You know what I want?  A cute dress, my friends and one of our friends who probably got ordained online to officiate.  Then we all get drunk and I get to go have sex.

But how do you explain to someone that is probably the love of your life that he can marry me Whatever the hell my name is and wake up with shy Claudette one damn day?  How do you explain that she will play along and be a good wife but there are things that might not be the same and I don't know the trigger to bring me out just forking because?  So no marriage for me unless he's really understanding.  Fork that.

And I'd like to go out on a date.  Socialization would be awesome.  Claudette has like zero social skills.  Not to say that I have many myself but dammit a date would be cool.

I have way too may complaints for someone who is only supposed to be here to fix things.  But I'm tired of just fixing things.  Do you know I'm actually enjoying running my own restaurant and I can't help but feel that when she takes over again, she's just gonna fork things back up and cry.

Dammit I want to stay.  For good.  I've never felt like this, like ever, but I don't wanna go back.  I don't wanna get put back in my little space and then pulled out when needed.

FORK!!!!!!  Why does her computer autocorrect me when I use the f word?  Did I miss something?

Fork this.  Whatever, I need to learn  to accept what I can't change.

No one has ever asked me my name...

And the bad part is I’m not sure I have one.  From the beginning I began to answer to Dette and I guess that became my name but to be honest I want something more exotic.  Nothing stupidly exotic but something that differentiates me from Claudette because I am not her.

No matter whether you believe we are two different people or not, I honestly don’t give a rats ass but just don’t confuse us.  I will answer to Dette if it will make everyone feel more comfortable but I’m pretty sure that’s not my name.

I should probably figure out a name for myself.

Hmmmm

I’m back, bitches!

So Claudette posted about us last night.

Cool cool.
But I’m here and I think I’m gonna stay for awhile.  They seem to love abusing Claudette if there at the hut so let’s see if they can take a little bit of their own medicine.
Fuck this.  Fuck them.  This head Nigga Bitch is in Complete Control and there ain’t nothing they can do about it.
I’m about to be like Slim Shady up in the Bitch...

"Guess who’s back!  Guess who’s back?? Guess who’s back‽?"

Multiple personalities

So it’s not super widely known that I do actually have dissociative identity disorder.  I was diagnosed years ago.  Nearly twenty years ago.  I don’t take medication to keep them split because for the longest time it wasn’t needed.

There’s only two of us.  Claudette and Dette.  At least I think her name is Dette.  To be honest I never asked.  For all I know her name could be Beatrice or some shit but Dette is what she answers to apparently.  Besides I can’t see a badass like her having a name like Beatrice.  Not that I have anything against that name.

In the past the way to tell us apart was Dette wore braids.  I did not.  This started in high school.  Those of you that might be reading this and actually have known me since high school, think about it.  When there were braids in my head did I not say things that should have been filtered?  Did I not have a backbone?  Now think about when I was wearing the hair that God gave me.  I was quieter, I held my tongue, I followed the crowd.

Claudette is who Randy met in college but unbeknownst to him he was soon sleeping with Dette.
Dette likes sex, by the way.  Claudette could take it or leave it, it doesn’t really matter.  Being raped has that affect.  Like I’m totally good with everything that comes BEFORE the actual act of coitus but the actual act.... mmmm could we maybe not?  Dette on the other hand, loves everything about sex.  The before, the mad rush during it, the wanting to do it again five freaking seconds later.  Do you know what it’s like waking up the morning after Dette has been out to play and actually having a hicky on your neck or a handprint on your ass sir rug burns?  Damn she and randy used to have fun and sometime during the night Dette would curl up to sleep and when I woke up that shit hurt.  Or why did I wake up naked when I KNOW I went to bed in a Shirt?  And Dette breaks vibrators.  I kid you not she buys and plays with those things so damn hard she snaps them.  Five in the last few years.  Like, babe... we share a bank account... can you not??

Shit sharing a body with her, so... so...

I can’t say annoying because she’s done some good shit.  She’s cussed out people with her mouth that I only cuss out in my head.

It’s harder to tell is Dette is out now a days because we no longer get braids.  We have dreads.  I mean I suppose if there’s a tell, it’s that I like my locks up,  she’s always liked hair swinging in her face.
Too many therapists have told me that she and I exist in a more controlled pattern than most people with did.  They say that most people don’t always know the comings and goings of the other but I can see and hear everything she does and she can hear and see verything I do because more than once I will be trying to handle a situation and a small voice says "let me out I can handle this!" I’m usually her little voice saying "it’s enough... he’s already pissed his pants what else do you want?"
She currently not happy because we are having stomach issues and she can’t gorge on whatever she wants to shove down our face.  I’m willing to bet that since we share a body she feels the exact same dibilitating pain that I do when we’re trying to pass food though whatever obstruction is down there.
For the moment I’m in control but we have a meeting with our boss’s boss on Monday.  Let’s hope Dette stays in and we still have a job.

We also have a date next Sunday.  What the fork?  We date now?  Part of me hopes she come out for that one, because me, Claudette m, has about the same social skills as a frightened rabbit...but the rest of me hopes she doesn’t because she’ll probably rip that poor boy in half with her antics and probably jump him.

Also we like two totally different types of guys.  I like white guys.  She likes black guys.
Awkward...

I am officially working for the hut for free.  I past fifty hours three hours before my shift ended today so Monday is all gratis!  Let’s see what time I show up for inventory...
Well Kay was awesome enough to make me soup for dinner.  We’re in clearing liquids yep foods for the next few days.  Fun.

Time to enjoy my night.  I don’t have to get up at any specific time tomorrow so yay!!!


Ciao Bellas Mi Amore

Jersey...

So Mary Beth and I drive up yesterday.  I kept her awake and she kept me awake and by ten thirty us old ladies were snug as bugs in rungs in bed.

Today was the band reunion and god I love coming up here for that.  I wish I’d come the first year but yay!! Mr. Mac was able to come this year!!!! I hope he never does write that book of Claudette Stories because of almost anyone on this earth... he might have as many as my mom if not maybe more.

Then I got to go to the shore.  My excuse was I wanted to show Mary Beth the shire but let’s be honest... it’s not a full trip if I don’t stick my toes in the sand and let the water rush over them and give me a homesickgasm.

Like literally, every year I think about if I could come back to live.  Could I live at the jersey shore again?  And I com to the conclusion, every year, that no.  I love my classmates and my friends from here and yes I miss the ocean like a fat kid standing outside of a closed bakery but the list of people is miss in North Carolina grows every day.  I don’t even think about moving to England in my dotage.  

I’m a New Jersey girl living in a North Carolina world and I might Bitch and moan but I love it.  I love it all.  And now that I got my garden the little country girl in me is so satisfied she purring.  

We check out tomorrow and take mommy and friend to Atlantic City for the day and depending on what time we get back from that I may or may not let my mom talk/ nag me into staying the night in her room and driving back Monday or I might just hit the road because I’m pretty sure traffic will be lighter during the evening hours and the DC triangle might not be so hellish.  Omg we spent maybe 80% of the drive up sitting still or going so damn slowly we might as well have been sitting still.

So if any of my jersey friends read my blog, I love you I really do and I always will... insert Whitney Houston Gif here... I won’t be moving back here.  I’ll visit you often, probably every year from here on out, but won’t be moving back.

I miss North Carolina.

I don’t think I’ve ever said that before.

I can’t wait to get home.

CIA, Bellas!!!

Sexual frustration

May not be good for my psyche but I can tell you one thing it is good for.  A dirty Pizza Hut.

I have been cleaning non stop for like three days.  First my living room then last night after work my bathroom and bedroom and today I seem to have a personal vengeance against dirt and oil buildup in this hut.  

But it looks good.  I’m earning my vacation.  I can tell you that much.

I would post pictures but that’s against policy so....

Back to it I go!

Ciao Bellas!!

Am I allowed

To call white people ghetto?? 

I honestly don’t know.  I mean white people aren’t allowed to call black people N*ggers without permission from black people and really not even then so I need to know, as a black person, can I call a white person ghetto?

The Sports Clips next door to us has this stylist; and I use the term lightly because if she styles like she dresses and does her own hair, her clientele is doomed; named Brittney.  When she called to place her order she was snotty.  When she came in to pick up her order she was snotty.  Like there was not a point at all when she wasn’t acting like a bitch. And not a normal "can I speak to your manager" bitch but a bitch that I really really really wanted to throat punch Bitch.  She says "oh and I want a drink." She has it hidden so I didn’t know she’d already gotten the drink.  She’d ordered off the five dollar menu so I asked her if she wanted the four drinks for five dollars or did she want a two liter.  "Why the fuck would I want four drinks? What are you talking about?" And she holds up the small mt dew.  So I charger her for that and she’s pissed because it’s two bucks.  She throws singles at me like she’s a stripper and after I cash it out she says "Oh and I need a ranch"  so I inform her that they are seventy cents extra.  Oh she snapped that last bra buckle holding in for dear life at that!  How dare I charge her!  They never charge her!  She wants my district managers number! When I wouldn’t give her that she said I shouldn’t worry she’d call corporate.  

You all would be proud of me... I smiled and told her to have a nice day.  She responded with I hope yours is as nice as your attitude.  Considering I stood there with a smile on my face and in my voice that means my day is gonna be awesome!  Yay!  So nice of her to wish me such a good day!!

Sigh... another day another slice of pizza.

Mornings in Charlotte

Stink.

I’m serious.  Have you ever rolled down 485 with your windows open? It freaking stinks.

And that was my first actual thought AFTER caffeine.

You guys don’t know I had fifty shades of kinky fuckery dreams last night and woke up in a surprisingly good mood despite falling out of my bed when my alarm rang because I couldn’t disentangle myself from my sheets.

Then I made the mistake of eating a croissant from Starbucks and that forker is fighting back hard this morning.  Don’t think I’ll get around to eating then second one if the first one fights this hard.  I seriously should schedule another appointment with the doc and mayb this time I won’t be in crying pain so he’ll focus on that issue.  Last appointment he pressed on the already hurting tummy and it sent me into tears and fetal positions so he fixed that issue and I so don’t totally blame him.  

But back to the issue at hand.  The highway seriously stinks and maybe it’s because it’s hot and all that dirt and sugaw creek is heating up but damn.  

Hah, you thought I was gonna run with the kinky fuckery dreams didn’t you?  Yeah, no.  The things that I saw in my dreams last night will not make working today easy.  Like at all.

Although I must say they’re getting more vivid. Right before Nelly screamed "So hot in here!" This morning at seven twenty, I could have sworn on a stack of bibles that the were lips on my nipples and a hand between my legs.

Damn... I need to end this.  Where is my government issued XXXXXX because goddamn I’m about at my limit.  

Question to any readers... what’s your stance on hickeys?  I like them.  Only ever had one but I liked it.  It was a visual reminder of what I’d done the night before...

Mmmmm visions 

Dammit!

Well... today is gonna be fun...

Can’t wait for this weekend

Normally I don’t say anything about my trips because one I don’t want to get robbed and two I KNOW I’m not going to have enough time to see everyone and I don’t want to disappoint anyone but damn if I’m not looking forward to my trip to New Jersey this weekend.  I need this.  

I’m tired y’all.  Like nine and soul tired.  And the body is no longer willing to work with me.  

I think I have an intestinal blockage because when I eat something... anything, it takes maybe four or five days to get through whatever is blocking the works down there just to come out the other end.  In my life I have never gone this long without being able to poop.  I used to be an everyday maybe couple times a day pooper but now I’m lucky if I can poop every four or five days and lord a mercy does this hurt.  Like a bring me to my knees hurt.  I’m afraid to eat.  My clothes are falling off of me because I’m losing weight because I know if I eat it’s going to get backed up and it’s going to hurt so I don’t eat.

Can I just get a new body?  Maybe one with slightly bigger boobs and a slightly smaller ass?  Maybe one with real working parts that don’t grow tumors and cause me pain.  And it’s not an all day every day pain it’s a random you’ve eaten now face the consetwondays later pain.

Getting old sucks.  I honestly don’t see how people live into their nineties dealing with their bodies crapping out on them.  Fork this!  I’m not going through another fifty years of this...

And before anyone comments, not that anyone ever does comment on the page, I have mentioned it to the doctor.  He thinks it’s diverticulitis or locis which I guess would be the chronic version of it.  And he gives me pills.  And days of work.  At what point is he going to do something other than throw pills at me.  Pills which, by the way, get caught up in the blockage and don’t help push anything through.

Maybe I should start seeking another doctor...

Hmmmm....

So I’m already screwing shit up

So without warning or explaination, two of my shift leaders decided fork this and walked away.  One of them had the thought to tell me she wished I had become the gm earlier and she probably wouldn’t have left but here’s the thing.  I worked a whole day with her and she never once said she was leaving.  I’m pretty sure she even still has her key.  

Then I thought I had an opening manager here this morning but apparently I didn’t do guess who’s working a double?  Yeah me.

I’m going to need to have a staff meeting because one I need to meet everyone and find out when they are available to work because the last gm basically told them when they were to work and would brook no questions about it. Fork that.

I can’t say I’m coming in here trying to be people’s friends but at the same time I’m not coming in here trying to be the whip snapper either but I think I’m going to have to. 

I havent quote gotten back to the I wanna go home phase but I’m getting there...

So I fucked up...

I spent most of the day watching Fifty Shades of Kinky Fuckery... or Fifty shades of Grey to everyone else.

Yeah bad idea.  Just reminded me of ho horney I am. Like there should be a legal limit as to how sex deprived one person is allowed to be before the government steps in and says "okay, it’s been long enough.  Here’s XXXXXXX he’s going to reset your limit."  Also don’t try to sit there and decode the x’s yall... they’re literally JUST x’s.

So Anna got her fair share of sex in three books and three movies.  Hell she got her share, my share, your share, and all the shares floating out there.

I wonder does that life actually exist?  I’m not stupid yes I know BDSM exists but even at some point I’m sure the kingpin or BDSM was going "Daaaaaaaayum"

I’m a simple woman.  I am also a romantic but baring that I’d take a little gentleness from whoever XXXXXXXXX turned out to be.

I think we’d start with a heavy makeout session.  The kind where your both breathless at the end but so very very ready to just run to the next base?  By this point he should have the bra off and my girls should be standing at attention.  Now at this point he can lay me down or stand me up but if he’s standing me up, he’s coming from behind.  Kissing the neck while hand one works lady A (no... I don’t have name for the girls) and the other hand needs to be working its way into my drawers.  And this does not stop until I’m grinding on his hand so hard.... mmmm

Now if he’s laid me down he’s obviously not coming from behind. He’s going straight for lips on nipples. Tug them bite them suck them like you are getting angel milk from them. Flip you tongue back and forth. When he’s spent copious most of time there then he can with work his way down mouth wise or work the hands.  Tbh I prefer he uses both.

I’m not an easy person to make cum but when you achieve it, you know it.  Finger me,  get those digits up there, find the g spot.  I assure you I do have one and it’s been tapped once before.  Now here’s the important part while your fingers are working, his tongue should be introducing itself to my clit.  Suck her lick her DO NOT THUMB HER.  Seriously no woman in the history of women wants your thumb there guys.  Yes we know the thumb is convienient but no.  He’s clumsy.

At this point my government issued XXXXXXXX should have seriously cramped or broken finger because if he’s followed the guide I have cum and I should have cum hard.

And it’s not over yet boys.  I give decent bj’s. If I get to a point and you can’t take anymore, Pull my hair flip me over in all four nd go for it.  If you have the dexterity to reach around and play with clitty again please do.  You can also spark me.  Make it rough.  Make every yes that escapes my lips sound like you stole it from that gap where my uterus and cervix used to be.

If Anna had gotten a little of what I just described as my perfect night of sex I think she would have been just as happy.  

So tell me, what’s your perfect night like?

Who am I anymore?

When I started in pizza I was ecstatic because I was working with friends. It had its ups and downs but damn it was fun. When I got to this leg of my cheesy journey I was still with friends but one by one my friends get treated like dirt and they leave. And there’s nothing wrong with that. No one should be treated the way this company treats their employees. But I’m still here. I’ve had blow ups and meltdowns, I’ve had breakdowns and meltdowns. But I’m still here and I can’t figure out what is wrong with me that I take this abuse day after day after day. In the past few months I went from a reasonably healthy slightly stressed out individual to a burnout stressed beyond relief shell of my former self who now, thanks to this very same company now has a heart problem. I honestly don’t even remember what I was like before this. My past is forgotten and my future looks so bleak. But still I stay. When am I going to learn that sometimes you have to sacrifice that dollar bill for a better inner you. I’m tired, I’m lonely, I’m so stressed I don’t think I can internalize anymore stress. My chest hurts every night now. I don’t eat. When I do eat I don’t have time to eat right. I’ve lost so much weight that I don’t even buy the belts for plus size anymore.  I want to be with someone but who is going to want a woman that is liable to have a heart attack and keel over because she won’t leave a job that is knowingly hellbent on killing her??

A new page in the Hut of Drama

So today, Mother’s Day.  Happy one to anyone mother reading.  My very first communication was "Happy Mother’s Day can you come in early so I can leave?"

Two hours with my kids.  That’s all I got.

Get here and by three fifteen I was by myself and slaying it out.  At ten to five one of my drivers says he’s going to be fifteen late but I couldn’t respond because I was literally by myself in here.  The cook, who lives with aforementioned driver, comes in and says that driver said he doesn’t feel well and he’s not coming in.  If I/ we have a problem with it, we can call him about it.  I passed the message onto my boss.

Idk what happened between them but driver then comes up in here pissed off and seeing red wanting to know where the manager that asked me to come in early is.  I told him she left between two thirty and three.  He said alright, pushed past me and walked out.

Y’all I don’t know what about to go down in my hut but if this is the last time I post know it was probably because I knifed him for coming at me.  I’m not planning it but no one is going to come at me intent on harm.

But at the same time I am actually scared that he might come back up here.  I have minors in here.  Hell I have my DAUGHTER in here.  I will protect them.

On another note. I purchased 1000mg cbd oil the other day.  It says it can help with a whole bunch of things including depression.  We’ll see if it works.  Maybe this can help

Pull me out of this hole I’m in.

God I hope he doesn’t come back up here tonight.  I don’t wanna go to jail.  Orange is soooo not my color.  And handcuffs hurt like hell.

I really need to quit this job...

Soul catching

So today was surprisingly not a seriously awful no good very bad day.  I mean it wasn’t jump up and rejoin life on Facebook because I’m suddenly happy good but it was a "maybe I’ll think twice about walking out into rush hour traffic" good.

That’s something.... right??

Maybe it was because I got to spend a good hour or so on the road taking deliveries.  I got to breathe fresh air, I got to listen to my music and drive fast.

Maybe that’s what I need?  Maybe it’s being cooped up in the store all day long that’s killing my soul?  And maybe it’s coworkers who think entirely too highly of themselves.

We have this one guy.  He swears he’s trying to be a shift leader.  That would be good if he weren’t one of those stand on your soapbox and scream until you think people are finally paying attention to you kind of people.  He actually got high and or drunk one night and called me at two am to rant about shit.

Because calling your boss at two am is totally acceptable.  Totally.

Not.  Not in any existence is that remotely okay to do.  

And every other shift or lately every single shift he either doesn’t feel well or is still hurt from an accident a few weeks ago or some other excuse and has to leave.  Making our delivery times through the roof and usually putting more work into the other drivers and the managers because we now have to deal with the angry customers who want to scream at us because delivery is so long.

PSA: don’t scream at the people who handle your food.  I’m not saying we will do something to it but do you really want to live with the thought in the back of your mind that maybe they might have done something to it because you were a total bitch on the phone?  I mean... unless it’s a totally open kitchen you don’t see everything...

*shrugs and walks away* Your choice.

I still think this store is slowly and piece by piece stealing my soul and selling to the highest bidder but I’ve got news for them... I signed a contract with the devil years ago.  He owns the soul.  I think I sold it for my divorce... or a chocolate bar.  I didn’t really read the fine print.

I’m still considering other jobs.   I’m always considering other jobs.  Most specifically jobs that allow me a half a chance of moviing to England one day.

I wish I knew why the two times I was in England  my spirit felt like it had finally come home and the two times I flew away from England my spirit curled up in a corner and cried.

I’d ask if any of you ever felt that way but no one 

Ugh...

There is a fundamental disconnect in this place.  There has to be because NOBODY is happy at the same time here.  Nobody.

One week my boss isn’t happy.  The next week the cook isn’t happy.  That same week one of my drivers is pissed off and the customers are bastards.

This place is stealing my joy.  Customers scream at me for shit that is not my fault.  Drivers tell me what they are going to do and in the case of one particular driver not only what he is going to to buy what I am going to as well.  Today my shift leader who was supposed to leave at four decided at two thirty to go on the road with her girlfriend leaving me in the store.  Then she came in and clocked out early without turning over the register so I had to clock her back in to turn over the till.  

At least the dm asked me how I was doing today.  I suppose that makes up for last week when she completely ignored me when this store was in danger of being burnt down by a very psychotic assistant manager who was going to throw her shirt on the flames and dance a merry jig...

And it’s quiet.  So there’s that.  

So I’m standing here about to go back to folding boxes because that’s something to do.  While my driver who is supposed to be either doing boxes or dishes sits on his ass and eats a pizza he made without paying for it.  Cause yeah.  Oh wait... nope he just walked out to the parking lot...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

Maybe if I keep chanting it, I’ll believe it one day...

Doubt it.

Can the rain please stop now???

So we are four days into January and the rain has literally stopped raining for maybe half a day total.  And this is ongoing from 2018.  Like over 100 inches of rain has fallen in the last thirty days and I'm pretty sure if mother nature was trying to drown the eastern part of the country, she's succeeding brilliantly.

I didn't blog yesterday because nothing really significant happened.  I lost a client because she needs a CNA and I don't have that.  But I didn't get fired, they just removed me from the case with a pending status of if they were even going to keep the case.  I feel bad though.  Her son was nice and if he would just gdo the lifting, I would happily do the washing and the grooming and dressing.   And I hate getting up at the crack of dawn and I hate going to bed early so that I can be human in those early hours but i didn't mind going to her.BUt she's completely immobile on one side so she needs a more experienced person and I'm okay with that.

Then I inevitably ended up back at the hut a few times last night because if it can go wrong with the GM is away it will go wrong.  But whatever.  Then i came home and had some tequila rose.  Not a lot but enough that I didn't want to get on Blogger and more than likely whine about what a loser I feel like because I'm still Single.

This year is about being social.  I'm going to hang out with friends, I'm going to make new friends and expand my circle.  I am not going to sit home and watch Hulu and Netflix all night .

I am also not going to make the mistake I made on the second.  I'm not going to talk about the one that got away or rather, the one that never was.  One of the things I got to thinking about last night was I feel like I'm in love with him but in the past five years he hasn't said hello to me, he hasn't wished me a happy birthday, although I do every year, and the only times he's  If I'm going to be in love with him, fine.  That's something I'm going to hold deep inside of me until someone that actually cares for me comes along and burns his name from my heart, but I'm not going to lower myself to wishing and hoping that one day he rides up on a white horse and holds out his hand for me.

Tomorrow I go see Mrs. H and then I'm off to the Hut of Pizza.  I actually like being back at the penitentiary.  unlike Prosperity there's never any time to just chill and deal with BS.  You deal with it on your feet.

Well in the essence of keeping my post short and to the point, I'm off for the night. 

Till tomorrow or the day after.

Happy New Year, I guess...

So I'm not making a resolution or anything (because if you know me, making a resolution is the quickest way to get me to stop doing something) But I'm trying this out to see if I can see how much I change over the course of a year.

I thought about actually writing it down in a book but then, I thought, nah...

So Jan1...

I officially took off the fake wedding ring.  I took it off and set it on the shelf and I think it about it often.  Like at least once every few hours I look at or feel my ring finger where it was for over two years.

At first I was wearing it because it made the men at the Hut stop flirting with me.  Like armor I guess.  Whatever, it worked and the old fugly guys that batted their geriatric eyes at me stopped. 

In a way I feel like it was armor to protect myself from looking at other guys too.

I'm going to say it.  I have been in love with a friend of a friend for almost 8 years.  He's on my Facebook and I think maybe he considers me a friend but I don't really think so.  He doesn't say hello.  He stopped acknowledging any Facebook post I put on his wall years ago and for the last four years, not even a Happy Birthday.  I can't say I'm any better.  I stopped posting on his wall and trying to talk to him because it honestly broke my heart when he didn't respond so I just stopped.  But I didn't fall out of love with him.  I don't even KNOW him.  He never gave me the chance to but for some reason I'm in love with him.

I deny up and down and every possible way that I'm in love... that I've ever even known what love it.  I didn't love my ex husband.  I honored my vows to him but I never actually loved him.  I don't know anything but basics about this guy and if he asked me to I would...

Well I would at least give him a try.  Maybe we wouldn't get along together and maybe we would but a try would be nice.

Whatever. 

Like I said I took off the ring.  I have laid down the armor.  Whether or not he gives me a chance.  I am open for someone to come take a try at me.

Jan 2.


Worked today at the hut.  Still felt for my ring but it's absence didn't bother me as much today as yesterday when the separation was brand new.

I still don;'t know how to flirt or show a man I'm interested in.  So i went back to Tinder.  I was super liked by a guy and I liked him back.  If he responds and says hello maybe we can see in person if we have anything really in common.

I wish I had more to report on today but I can't muster anything, and I have to get to bed.  i have to be up at 6:30 in the morning for my morning client.

I'm tired.  I've fixed my work schedule so that i don't have any days off and it's starting to wear me down.  Like I'm going to crack soon and it's not going to be one of those duct tape and super glue fixes.

Ah well...

A new day starts in 10 minutes and 11 seconds.  Let's see what Jan 3 brings...