So I had one hell of a dream

And I'm trying to type fast so that the llittle details that are slowly getting fuzzy can come out...

So I watched scandal last night.  Fitz in hanging in a life n death coma right.  That's where the show ended.  That's where my subconscious took over.

So in my dream he died. and there was a huge funeral.  Do not ask me how but I ended up in the limo with Olivia Pope and her man... and the president's pregnant wife....

We were all set to be in the funeral procession and we ended up on a gravel road with trucks coming at us.  Well, we're scared as shit and the trucks kep coming but then we see this naked man running across the road and Olivia gets out to help him and my friend from church, Millz gets out of the drivers seat and here's the kicker... I'm not surprised to see this.  The naked man maybe.  Millz getting out of the drivers seat no Why you ask?  Because she's a secret service agent in my dream.  I mean WTF??

Fuzzy part with the naked man but pregnant presidents wife goes into labor and Millz goes to run down Olivia... in heels.  She comes back with Olivia who takes control of the situation because apparently I am useless (big surprise) we take off.

Take off being the operative word because Millz drove the hell outta that limo.

But when we got back, we had missed the funeral procession.  And the presidents wife wasn't in labor anymore.

So we went shopping.

Where I promptly ran into Snow white and Prince Charming from Once upon a time.  I couldn't get their attention until the presidents wife went into labor again and Snow white had to get her away before the thugs came.  Enter Millz.  Limo goes peeling out.  I am suddenly wearing a white and purple top and no pants.  So where do I go?

That's right!!  Up to the mysterious seedy motel that now replaces the department store!!  Good job you've been paying attention!!

Yeah no.  That's where I meet my neighbors daughter who asks me if the weave job her uncle richard did looked good.  I told her yes and went downstairs to be suddenly in a living room full of guys playing xbox.

There is still no mention of me putting on pants.  Notice that.

So they were just about to look at me when Millz is back in front of me, looking down on me and she's about to say something but it comes out as

"Cause baby, tonight, the Dj got us falling in love again!!"

This is my alarm tone.  Whatever Millz was going to say came out as Usher...

So that's all I remember.  Have no clue what happened to prince charming, the body of the president, or the naked man.  Have no idea if the president's wife had her baby.

Just know that my subconscious was on overdrive last night...

Hmm...

If it takes a village to raise a child, it was about to take that same one to pull me off a child...

This is one of those days where I probably should have gone back to be and even if I didn't sleep, just laid there. First my Chefville was all screwed up and then I had to go to Oakdale for the honor roll ceremony. Seriously I love the school but the kids are always loud, the parents can be worse when they turn out in big numbers and the parking is atrocious because no one really knows how to park even though the lines can probably be seen from space...

But it took one little girl to push me to almost the final frontier. The Final frontier being that I snatched SOMEONE ELSE'S kid up and beat the ish out of her. She was sitting right behind Olivia and seems as though she thought I was looking at her excessively and trying to take pictures of her so whenever I looked that way she made a face, If I raised the camera to catch Olivia, she made a face or a couple of times flipped me off!!

I mean seriously?!?! Even when I told her that the child 

in front of her was my child she didn't stop! So I was there to hear my baby's name called for A/B honor roll, but I didn't get a single picture that I can use of her standing or sitting because the little $)!*&! in back of her wouldn't let me.

So since all the teachers were busy with the ceremony I just left but I called the school and when I asked if there was someone that could reprimand the child, all I got was the receptionist asking, "So what do you want me to do about it?"

I wanted to tell her that I wanted someone to go snatch the spit outta that kids mouth through her neck but instead I told her I would come talk to the principal later.

I need to breathe. I need to breathe, I need coffee, and I think I might need alcohol. IT's five somewhere but you know what I don't even care if it's five nowhere...

I guess you could call this a down period

Since I'm in the south, I might as well put it in a term that people think is fitting of my now home... "I'm fittin ta do what I need to do."

Which in case point means I'm done fighting.  I clearly cannot be who I want to be, so I'm just going to be.  If somewhere down the road the current wants to shape me into something that the rest of the world deems worthy of anything, I guess that's who I'll be.  But for right now, whatever.

I think now that the weather is cooler, I'm going to start walking.  Donna used to say that being alone out there walking helps clear the head.  We'll see.

I can't do this anymore.  I refuse to hurt whats left of my spirit anymore by fighting.

There is no more me left to fight.  There is no more gumption for my spirit to use to back itself up.

There's nothing left.

I was going to make a cake today.  I even bought a Rubbermaid cake saver so that we all could enjoy it.  I don't think I will be making that cake.  As a matter of fact I think I'll set some chicken breasts out to defrost. Baked chicken salad sounds good for dinner.  Maybe I'll grill it.  It's not too cold to use my grill.

I don't know.  I don't care.

I guess good morning to absolutely no one.

.....

Cracking...

The veneer of the smile I keep on my face is cracking.

Every time one of my friends has an anniversary or announces that they're getting married, i can feel it crack a little more.  I'm afraid that one day, it's going to break and fall away and people aren't going to like the sneer that's been hiding underneath.

Don't get me wrong, I am really really happy for my friends.  I am soo happy.

But I'm so jealous.  So jealous that when some announces that they're getting married or that they've been together another year, or even if they're having a baby, I can't breathe.  My lungs shrivels up and my heart stops and my body shuts down for a hot minute.  I want to run off and find an empty field and scream until all the breath that I know is there is gone.  I want to cry until I am as empty physically that I am emotionally.  And then I just want to lay there.  Lay there and wait for whatever.

But I a really am happy for everyone.  So happy.  So unbelievably happy.

So every time I have one of those cracks that everyone can see, people rush forward to tell me that I just have to be patient and wait.  God is going to send the man he's personally designed for me my way soon.  He's going to put him in my path and we're going to lock eyes and my happily ever after is going to finally begin.

Excuse me if I lose my cool and scream obscenities...

I am Christian.  I go to church, I listen to the messages that are preached, I help out and volunteer. I believe. I am a faithful follower.

At least I think I am.  There is no part of my heart that doesn't love God.  And while it should be full with just that and the love of my friends and family, it's so empty that if whats left of my faith in ordinary miracles screamed out, there'd be an echo for days.

When will it be my turn? I just want someone that thinks I'm worthy of his time and not a guy halfway around the world that is basically a stalker.

You know when I first moved here, my mom and I went to this place on Beatties Ford Rd. to get her tires done and the guy that changed the tires flirted his ass off with me and I gave him my phone number.  We chatted a few times, we texted and for maybe a week, I walked around on cloud nine.  I was approaching happy until I realized all he wanted was a booty call.  He suggested our first date be at his house.  He outright admitted that he wanted to be close to his bedroom.

This is the part where I would normally tilt my head to the side and ask, "Do I look like the kind of girl that would be up for a booty call?"

Except I can't say that.  I mean, I can but I can't really.

Last summer after being alone for yet another year I met a guy.  Yes I was piss drunk, but he and I had a conversation.  Or at least I thought it was a conversation.  Whatever it was, it worked on my dulled senses, I fell into bed and dammit I had a hell of a time.  And God help me I made myself available for more than one booty call.  I convinced myself that it was just sex.  That it would be okay, but then we texted everyday.  Most of the day and stupid me I started to let myself get feelings for him.  So imagine how badly I was crushed when I realized that he didn't think I was worth his daylight hours either.

Just like when I realized that no matter how I tired to make my marriage work, my husband still wanted out I realized that no matter what I was stupid enough to let myself feel for this guy was only one sided.  The air left, all sound stopped and I laid down and I cried.  Over him.  A guy that I didn't really know that well but sad to say is still never actually far from my thoughts.

The feeling is all too familiar.  I felt it ALL through high school.  I had crushes on guys and they ignored me.  Or at least they ignored me to my face.  I'm pretty sure they talked about me to their friends.  The sad, fat pathetic band geek that had a crush on the a list guy.  The guy that was the class president my years in high school, yeah I had a big crush on him.  I spent a whole year thinking that he had no clue I liked him.  But yay for him for being able to keep a secret long enough for me to feel really dumb. He signed my yearbook, "Thanks for all the cards."

He's getting married too.  He announced it last year.  Happy for him.

The guy I liked Senior year is probably engaged too.  I've lost track of the guys that I liked my freshman year and the guy that I had a crush on my sophomore year can go to hell in a wicker basket wearing gasoline boxers and hold a box of lit matches.

The guy I liked freshman year of college probably has no clue that had he but beckoned I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.  He fell into the friend category and yanked me into that circle with him and then there was Randy.  Say what you want, it was a miserable marriage in the last few years but when we weren't fighting, it was good.  Sometimes it was good.

I keep trying to have faith and proclaim that this year at midnight on New Years, I'm going to have someone to kiss.  Someone that's not going to give me a pity kiss.  But then another year passes and I have no one.  And while everyone gets to kiss their special someone at midnight, I get to paste on my phony smile and cry on the inside.

So another year is coming to a close.  And the prospects for finding someone at once again slim.  So slim that I think this New Years, I'm not even going to bother.  I'm going to just sit home and have a drink, or maybe take a couple sleeping pills and wake up to a new probably even lonelier year.

I think it's time to give up.  To face the fact that when my marriage failed, I lost my chance at a maybe happiness.  That was the one chance that I was given and that's it.  I'm always going to be the bridesmaid, I'm never again going to be the bride.  Or the girlfriend.  I'm the friend.  I'm the one that gets to smile and hug and say, I'm so happy for you and any other thing I can think of to keep your day happy.

It's time.  I'm done.

The fat sad band geek is done.

..........

So this school supplies thing...

...has much father reaching issues that what it seemed to have...

I just went off on a friend because he told me that one, my problem could be solved with a simple trip to the dollar store and that it was supposedly common knowledge that school supplies are common property and then something about as a parent in todays comminuty it's only a small part of what I can do to make sure today's children grow up to be educated adults.

Brace yourself but here's my shining selfish moment.  I don't really give a rats ass about other parent's children like that.  My children and their needs will always comes before anyone else's children.  Now if a friend came to me and said that they needed my help and could I please help them buy buying a few school supplies that's different.  What am I supposed to say?  Be patient and send your child to school with nothing?  That since it's all community property the community of parents will make sure that the child has it?  No!  I'm going to help my friend and their child out if I can but even then there's a limit to which my generosity extends.  If helping my friend and their child detriments my child and I have to make a choice, believe me, my children will win the coin toss no matter if they were standing under heads or tails.

As long as my children grow up to be educated adults I consider my job accomplished.  I can't honestly think that Mary Sunshine who's kid sits next to my daughter in school is as concerned with my daughter being an educated adult as she is with her own son.

And Yes, I know this speaks to people not supporting each other but WTFever man. 

I come from New Jersey.  I come from a time when the little stuff was provided.  I am NOT talking about pencils and notebook paper. I am talking about Copy paper and tissues.  Exactly how do i know that my copy paper is being used for the class and not for the office to run off coppies of a news letter that maybe three parents out of the school read?  How do I know that the teacher is using the copy paper to run off papers for her class.  I have volunteered in class and I have seen with my own eyes that when a teacher goes in the copy room to make copies of something for her class, they DO NOT pick up a pack of copy paper out of their classroom supply closet, they use whatever paper was in the copier and should the copier run out they go into the big supply closet in the copy room to get more paper.  Anyone can go in that closet.  So I'm supplyig to the whole school not just my childs class.  My helping support my daughters class just jumped to my helping support an entire school.

Damn that makes me feel like the old lady who lived in a shoe that had so many kids she didn't know what to do.

Let me state this one more time: My problem is not that I was asked to provide more tissues.  It is not that I spent seventeen cents on another woman's child.  My issue is that I was told that I had to provide said tissues because other parents didn't.  That I wasn't told that this is what they were doing.  Ask me.  Don't demand.  Inform, don't assume.

If I could afford it, I would homeschool my children.  I would make sure that they become educated adults.  That MY children succeed.  If I had the money, I would give a damn if there was a person I didn't know standing up on the graduation stage with my child.  But I dont' have it like that.  Not very manypeople have it like that.

Say what you want.  Feel the way you want.  But do me a favor, don't tell me what I should do or feel.  That's the quickest way to stir my ire and get me to stop smiling and nodding and tell you exactly how I feel.

School supply wars continued...

So my daughters teacher is at it again. 

Livy came home today and said that instead of two boxes of tissues for the whole class from the three students that originally brought them (She never called me BTW) she went out and bought some tissues on her own and they had already used all of them so now parents are being told to send the kids with their oen personal packs as she will not be buying anymore.

I have so many things to say about that.  For starters, personal packs are what I normally send but like I said before this year I decided to do what they asked and I sent the box.  I knew I shouldn't have.  I should have continued to buck the system and do what the hell I wanted to do.  For the teacher to tell the children that she would not be buying anymore tissues out of her own pocket... well, on one hand I get that she doesn't want to spend her paycheck on tissues all year considering that if this place doesn't get snow it's a hotbead of undying allergies. but on the other hand her demands seem to be being met by the other parents and she seems to think that she can keep making them.

Another burr stuck in my craw is that as per the supplies list, my mother got each of my girls five one subject spiral notbooks.  Now keep in mind that my problem is not the price of the notebooks because they only cost .17 cents each but it would seem that at the first day of school the children were told to put all their notebooks on the table in the back of the room.  The teacher then collected them all and assuming that there are 25 students per class and they each brought 5 notebooks that's 125 notebooks right?  She took all of the notebooks and handed them out at her leisure.  Olivia came home with one that was marked by a smart parent.  He or she had written their son's name in the notebook and I can only assume they wrote it on everything else they bought their son.  The teacher handed out random notebooks which means that if a child came to class with no notebooks, they now have a notebook curtosey of another parent. 

We're back to the tissues thing from a few weeks ago...

I might need to see if Olivia can be moved to another class because this teacher is going to make me show my color before the year is out.

Suddenly, I can't wait to move...

Emotional breakdowns...

I had one this morning at five am while sitting on the loo.  I couldn't find the first piece of the toilet paper.  I am very sorry to report that instead of dealing with the consequences of getting up and turning on the light, I fought with the roll until it won and I cried like a baby.  And then I just ripped my nails across it until I had enough paper to do the job.

It's a quarter to eight and my morning already sucks.  I can't see how staying awake and folding laundry is going to fix the day.  Of course I can't see how blogging to absolutely no one is going to solve anything but at least one of us is laughing. (By that I mean my inner child who this morning sounds like Nelson from the Simpsons.  I'm tempted to remind her that she was right there with me crying this morning.)

Ah well, going to get the dolls off to the daily penitentiary known as school.

Ta!

Backache and Spaghetti...

So this morning,I woke up with a wicked backache.  It's probably because I have a tendency to sleep curled up in a ball during the night and I always wake up feeling like I imagine the old English felt when on the rack just before their spines popped into a million little useless pieces.

So I popped another two arthritis strength asprin and kept it trucking.  Of course it didn't actually kick in till nearly noon so I was behind in today's chores.  I got my bed sheets washed and two of my big blankets.  I didn't get the plaid comforter washed this time but I did get it washed and not my beige one last time so the balance will he there.  I'm going to bed smelling my awesome fabric softener tonight.

I am out of fabric softener and soap.  By out I mean I have maybe one wash left.  I am not happy.  I'm one of those people that actually begin to panic a little when I am without laundry supplies.  I mean what will I do if something really messy happens and I can't wash it away?!?!

Stop laughing at me.  I know you are.  I fired the trained monkey that did tricks so I'm the only laughter target left....

So the re growing mt laundry will have to wait until tomorrow.  And I swear I am going to fold and hang it all tomorrow.  I need to.  Someone please remind me to get my lazy ass up and do the damn clothes...

So I'm going to sit here and finish watching Master Chef.  It's a good show I wish I could cook like they do.

So ciào!!

A very very exhausting day...

I have not had.

Seriously I've done laundry, made bread, and cooked but other than that, not a damn thing.  All in all an awesome day really.

So, my phone has been curiously silent for a couple of days now.  I think I may have fallen off the grid and since I have given up on a certain someone completely I refuse to text him.  I mean, its not like I'm going to get a text in return.  (give me a few weeks and I will have forgotten about the guy ove given up on like he's forgotten about me.)

I must admit that when I made the decision to move on, I had a moment of feeling like I wasn't good enough.  For anyone.  I really hate that feeling.  Like hate hate hate.  The only thing I would hate more would be... Hmmm... I really don't know what I'd hate more hut I hate the feeling.  I mean I see women out Herr that really honestly could, IMHO, be serious contenders for America's Next Top Ghetto Posterchild and they are walking around with itty bitty brand new babies which suggests that either some guy was very very ... VERY drunk recently or someone found them attractive enough to look at them twice. Well, more than look at them but you get what I mean.

I talk well, I don't dress like my cootchie is on fire and I just have to to let it breathe by wearing the shortest skirts possible.  I don't have my blobs hanging out waiting for some hungry infant to come along.  I don't pretend to be thin when I know I am plus sized and despite my serious want for a pair of leather pants.

Yet they have the babies.  They have the men. 

So I tried to sign up for datingincharlotte.com but they have an income minimum that I sadly, do not meet.  Whatever.  I'm not over it, but I am so not going to stress it.  I don't really want to start an online relationship. 

*I was sure had posted this but I guess not.... It's unfinished but there ya go.*

What happened to...

When schools covered at least the basic supplies???

The point of public school was that you didn't have to pay for it, I thought.  Yet in the last few years,between uniforms and supplies, I'm pretty sure I've paid out more than I w  ould if I sent them to a private school.

I mean WTF?!?! When I was a kid the school provided the tissues, (I know because at least once a month a kid had to go down to the nurse to get a box) paper (at least the copy paper they used to make the copies of our work) and sometimes, if the teacher was into the germ fighting thing, hand sanitizer or soap.  My mother didn't have to buy a calculator because the school had them.  She didn't have to buy a compass because the school had them.

Tell you the truth, I'm not so upset about compasses and protectors as I am about the tissues and the hand san and all the other little stuff.

Olivia's teacher, like all teachers now, requested a box of tissues in her list of school supplies this year.  You know what.  I'm used to it so the one is fine.  But then Olivia came home yesterday and told me that her teacher only received three boxes of tissues from three kids and that she turned around and told those three kids that they needed to bring more.

Are you effing kidding me?? This right here is why I am the parent that send individual sided things for their own personal use.  Because when you do the right thing and send the big box that you KNOW is only going to end up in her closet or on her desk for everyone's kid plus her to use, she gets greedy and asks for more.

And copy paper.  Each ream has 500 sheets, right? If there are so kids in each class and each kid brings a ream of copy paper that's what? 1,500 sheets of paper.  I'm sorry but yes, I am the parent that's standing there wondering and counting to make sure that my child has 500 copied pieces of work.

Then there's the schools that change uniform colors every year.  Yeah cause I have the unlimited funds to buy green shirts one year, yellow the next, and blue the year after that.  Hello!! I have three kids!  I can't afford to buy brand new everything every year.  Yeah right now Kayla is using the boys old green shirts from a year and a half ago but they will not fit Olivia nor will they be in any condition to should I want to impose a really big shirt on her.  The only way that the shirts Jovaughn left and Kayla's wearing are going to fit Olivia is if the child has decent sized blobs to fill them out as she has always been my small child. 

Not that it matters because they have to make it through the Kayla year and ten sit for another year.  Yeah, no.  I don't see that happening.

I have no clue why schools have stopped providing the basis necessities for our children bit I'm pretty sure that parents are soon going to revolt and the schools aren't going to have anything in their supply closests because patents Sony send anything.

I'm half tempted to go out and get laptops for them to save on reams of paper and notebooks. 
I don't know what else to do.  Fall into line like all the sheep and do what I'm told and keep supplying the schools that don't always use the supplies we buy for just our kids or start the promised rebellion and put my foot down.

I just know that it posses me off and if I don't start the rebellion, I am damn sure going to join it...