Sooo sorry....

Yeah, I know, I suck at this keeping everyone informed thing.  But in my defense I sat down yesterday to do this and all hell broke loose.  The short of the matter is that my son stole $200 dollars from me

It started out a decent day.  I got up and my wallet was open and my mastercard was on the floor and my PNC bank card was missing.  I asked the kids to help me find it and then Jovaughn went straight to the kitchen and found it under the microwave.

I admit, it didn't cross my mind that Jovaughn would do what the first sign pointed to him doing.  I honestly thought no more on it

Until two thirty when I went to check my bank account.  Instead of the couple hundred I was supposed to have to pay my light bill and the credit check fee for the house I am trying to get.  My first thought was to the fact that my wallet had clearly been rifled through and I started freaking out because of course, I thought someone had been in my house.  After I called the bank however, my thoughts started to skew don the path that they should have gone down in the first place but at the same time the path that you hope and pray to every God you know that you never have to travel.  The woman said they were ATM transaction with my pin number.  There's only two people in my house that kow my pin number and that's Jovaughn and myself.  Another step down the path.

I thought it over, I talk with my neighbor downstairs and then Jovaughn dropped a bombshell on me.  He said he heard footprints downstairs in the living room when he got up to go to the bathroom at three am.  Of course now I'm totally freaked out.  a half hour later though, it dawned me me, kids gotta be lying...I have a brand new Sony Vaio and a 32 in flat screen LCD. (Please don't think I am bragging I am just trying to make a point) and all that was taken was my ATM card and even that was returned.  Then there was the fact that he didn't wake me.  He didn't wake me or call the cops, or anything.

An hour after that I went up to his room to see if i could find the money and he tells me that his room was a mess because the person that was in the house the night before robbing me (Wait is it robbing me really if they returned the card??) had ransacked his room.

So let's add up the tale now.  There was a person in my house.  He left the TV and the computer, and the TV that is sitting next to the good TV, and the DVD player.  He took my card out of my wallet and returned it and at some point the person was in my sons room.

Never mind how he got in, because my door makes a really loud sound rubbing the frame right now because the house settled and the door didn't.  Person didn't come through the door. they had to go through the kitchen women and down onto my neighbors porch outside her bedroom.  'Nuff said.

So skip forward a few minutes, I am on the phone with his father and he now has a description of the "person" that was in our apartment.  He was , and I quote, "About so tall, and brown like us."  (Wow that really narrows it down now, huh.  APB out on the brown guy about so tall!)

Around this time I was more than convinced he was lying.  I told him that if I got the police involved and told them I wanted the cameras from the ATM, and found out that it was him I was going to send him to JV.  Two minutes later $20 was mysteriously found in Olivia's pocket.  Five minutes after that, I found $20 in Kayla's pocket.  While on the phone with Randy they found $60. (Keeping track?)

The next few hours are a bit of a blur.  I admit I did what no mother should ever do, I blacked out and went crazy.  After I finished I was afraid for what I had done but it couldn't be helped.  Randy showed up about one am and bedded down.

He got up this morning to talk to Jovaughn and I don't know what was said but Jovaughn's story about why he took my money was he took my card to go to the ATM so that he could get money for a haircut and i would have money to get to work.  But on his way out of Rite-Aid, he says five girls beat him up for the money so then he turned went back to the ATM and got another hundred.  But here's the kicker, he still didn't give that to me. 

So Randy took him to the police station and they've filled out a police report and they are going to pull the surveillance tapes from the store and if the boy is lying, Randy's name is on the police report.  It will go down as filing a false police report randy will get in trouble, lose his security clearance and is job.  I will lose my clearance with money and won't be any good to the retail community and be out of a job.  He, I'm not sure he'll live.

I'm so hurt right now, readers, I don't know what to do.  I think I am just going to do what everyone says and take it one day at a time.

Did I ever mention FML!!!!!!!

Single and blogging is done...

No longer feel like I can do this...

So this is a work blog.  I walked in this morning to find about two weeks worth of daily envelopes on my desk with post it notes and stuff that was missing.  Two of the bags were missing deposit verification forms that are no where to be found and I'll be damned if i got rooting through trash that is probably in the big dumpster out back by now if not in a landfill somewhere.  The others had come in today and two of them hadn't been sent yet.

Then there was a paper I put in the desk that I had put in the wrong bag.  The woman (I refuse to say her name because I just know that I have an anonymous reader that is going to report names back to someone else.) couldn't just slip it into the bag that she had already put on the desk?? 

So my boss calls or the manager calls her IDK which one and boss wants to talk to me and says that little she has been telling her (I know it's confusing but try to keep up) that there's stuff that I haven't been doing.  Boss tells me that I have been doing this job for far too long to be making these mistakes.  So I went and found all the dates that she says I'm fucking up and guess what.  The days that it was me, it's not my fault because it was something I didn't do but couldn't do because she sent me home early.  And the days that I didn't do what she's claiming I didn't do are not even my days.  Hehe, I have it all proven that she's purposefully aiming for my back and not doing it subtlely.

So while I should be crowing at my pending probable victory, I am really stressing because if I have to spend my time covering my ass from someone like that at my workplace, is this really the right place for me?  I don't even feel like my job is safe and someplace I should be right now.

 My job used to be my refuge.  The place I could go to talk to other grown up human beings.  It's like that Old Madonna song from A league of their own... This Used to be My Playground... Have you ever heard that one?  Work used to be my playground.  Now it's my battleground and I need to take a minute and think about is what I make for the hours I am allowed to work is worth the stress and the medical problems I have because of it.

This is going to take some deep thought and as much as I hate to ask, I think I am going to have to turn to the one constant never ending source of love and support that I have always been able to turn to, my friends.

Should I stay and just suck it up, or should I finally let go and let my playground rust away like so many other escapes I have had in my life.

Single and blogging is confused... so confused...

What the hell

Why is it that when I get my spine all hard and full of concrete to do something, someone comes along with a jackhammer and turns my concrete spine to rubble?

So last Wednesday, I did two change orders.  We never have enough change on Monday to make it through until Wednesday so occasionally I try to head off the riot act about not thinking ahead by doing two change orders, one to be delivered on Saturday and one to be delivered on Sunday.  That way we have enough to get us through until the next time Garda comes which is on Wednesday.  So, on Wednesday, I did two change orders.  One to be delivered on Saturday and one to be delivered today.

Leave it to Garda to fuck it all up.

So I get in this morning and I immediately notice that they have two receipts meaning that they took both money bags and I'm thinking "Crap, I'm going to get blamed for this." I hadn't even realized the full fuckity of it all yet but I knew I was going to get blamed.

So I realized the full fuckity (Yes I know I'm making up words) of the situation and I decided "Fuck it, when (not if) I get blamed for this, even though it is soooooo not my fault, I'm just going to quit.  I would rather have quit than hear about how this is my fault. (Seriously, you think I'm kidding, this would have all been my fault.  Children starving on that undiscovered island just east of West bubblefuck is my fault...)

I had it all played out in my mind.  I was going to stay awake tomorrow morning and have this conversation because I knew I was going to get the call and then I thought why do this over the phone I should just come in.  Won't be a big deal.

And then the Garda guy came in and he fixed the situation.  I am not actually allowed to say how he fixed it cause that would just be TMI and snooping eyes could threaten to fire me for insubordination again.

Sorry, in a really cynical mood at current.  I'm a little disillusioned and I can't remember why I love my job so much.  I have grey hair behind it, I have had a case of Shingles which is a stress induced condition available only to people that have had chicken pox before, I have nervous ticks, and sleepless nights.  I have actually ome to dread going in some days.  A job is not supposed to be like that.

I really can't blame the job for it.  I'm tired of working in retail.  In fourteen years, I have only seen customers get ruder and ruder while I'm forced to be nicer and nicer.

I have been cussed out, hit by kids, had my nose assaulted by the diapers of kids that have those obnoxious parents who would rather shop than change their child, and been nearly deafened by kids who think that if they scream at the top of their lungs their mothers will be forced to take them out of the store when instead said mom just says "sssh!"

I think I have reached my limit bloggers.  I don't know what I want to do with my life but I'm pretty sure it's not retail..

Hmm... IDK.  Anyways, back to painting my keyboard and watching Desperate housewives.  Once again, I'm lost in the new episodes but what can you do but invade Hulu.

Single and blogging is bored... and that's never good.

Bit of a rant...

See this is why I love having a blog... I can have a ranting moment and no one really has to care... or comment

You know what really grinds my gears, chafes my buttocks, and  makes me wanna scream?  When people who I think are my friends feel that they can badmouth people who are my friends to me.  Seriously.  You have half a brain, you know that she's one of the closest friends I have, why the hell would you think it's okay to say half the shit you just said to me???  Gah!!!  This is why I have Facebook statuses where I just haul off and scream...  People like her.

And you know what bothers me more?  The fact that I can't protect my best from people like her or that people like her are apart of her family.

Need I repeat?  GAH!!!!!

I promise I'm not dead.

I would say that those of you that read this also see me on Facebook so you know I'm not dead but honestly... are we for certain that death would stop me from facebooking?

So this is going to be short, I have to get ready fro work.  I'm loosing me interest in work.  Now that they have the other woman to replace the great fuck up, I am the tortoise to a hare and she is liked more by the boss and she is getting the lions share of the hours.  I, on the other hand am constantly being sent home early because they need to save hours.  And then the markdowns build up and I get the riot act.  Lemme tell you, I can practice Osmosis all I freaking want to, but I will never get good enough to finishing the mountain o' markdowns from in front of my TV.  I don't care how frustrated boss lady gets that they aren't done, keep sending me home and don't expect me to get anything done.

So I am off to work again today.  This was my weekend to work.  I normally would conetrate on the work aspect but bloggers, I had a Mommy Playdate.

Yes you read it!  I had a playdate.  My kids went, and they played with other children and they didn't kill them!!  I have the rough bunch and I'm always at two ends of concern.  Are they going to like the other kids and are they going to be too rough for the other kids.  I didn't have to worry about that.  They had fun.  And I had fun, we all had fun!!  Playdates are the bees knees.

Do bees have knees?  Where did that expression come from?

Oh well, off to get dressed then go get my coffee and trudge to the salt mines where I will undoubtedly be sent home early just for shits and giggles.  So there you go... the "I'm not dead" blog.

Single and blogging should have waited till after work to do this cause now she has to skedaddle!

I swear...

I was in a good mood between 6:15 and 6:33 this morning.  At 6:34, however, all of those happy sleep endorphins were promptly banished to the valley just of the hill. 

We fucking have bedbugs... AGAIN!!!!

Seriously??  I mean seriously??  As if that's not a reason to really hightail it out of here.  This is the second effing time in three years.  And the landlord does nothing only send his flunkies to come spray.  The last time this happened I had to get new beds and new mattresses because they were wood.  Now I have to get more protective coverings for the girls bed and the spray.  I will be damned if i go out and get new beds again.  These beds are metal and they are less than three years old (True because they have been in the possession of my kids they look much much older, but that's not the point)

Oh come on, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

I feel like a character on Grey's Anatomy right now.  You know how they answer every questionable situation with Seriously?  I feel that way.

Oh by the way, the voice that narrates my thoughts, yeah she's no longer some random British woman, she's Meredith Grey.  Not sure but I may have experienced Grey overload last night.

So back to why I have lost my good mood.  Remember I said I'm that paranoid person that thinks everything bad is happening to her?  So I'm pretty sure that for the next few weeks, I will be inspecting my bed, my clothes, everything and that every little itch is a bug crawling on me.  I HATE MY LIFE!

I want to move right now.  Screw my job, screw my life here. (Hell it's not like I'm actually going to get the guy, right?  Have you looked at me.  I am so most likely not his type.) I will miss my friends, my friends are awesome but as much as I love them, my friends cannot compete with keeping me in a bedbug ridden house.

FUCK!!!

Single and blogging wants so badly to go back to bed and start this day sooooo oover...

UHm...

So I'm sitting here watching Grey's anatomy thinking WTF?

When i last left my lovable cast, Izzy had a brain tumor and was married to karev, Derek was angling for chief and with but not with Meredith, Christina was with Own but not with Owen, Baily was having trouble in her marriage but married, Lexie was new and annoying and trying to bond with Meredith.

Now I tune in to the new episodes and Karev is dating Lexie who is not the Lexie that used to be Lexie. Derek is chief, I think, the chief is no where to be found, Karev is not married to Izzy, Izzy isn't even there.  Baily is not married and sleeping with a guy that's probably ten plus years her junior, Derek and Meredith have not been in the same place this whole episode, have not met in the hall, haven't talked, Did I mention that Lexie is not Lexie?  And she's sleeping with Karev.  WTF is IZZY??

I think George is dead.  He was in the elevator with Izzy (WHERE THE FUCK IS IZZY???) as she was going down for her tumor.

Oh fuck it!  I don't care, I'm confused and I don't like it, I'm going to have a russian.  I fucking deserve one after this week.

Oh did I mention that the group is supposedly going paintballing and again no one mentioned one damn thing to me?

Single and Blogging is in need of...

Upheaval...

I think I am ready for an upheaval in my life and I know exactly how to do it.

Today when I was trying hard to disappear inside myself, I did what I normally do.  I went to my happy place where I am not only loved by my friends, but by that special someone.  Currently that special someone is the unnamed one.  Well he has a name but I'll be damned if I put it here.

In my happy place he and I are dating.  I haven't yet dreamed up anything more.  And to be honest I don't want to really.  The guy in my mind before him was an Italian prince named Marco, and pure fantasy.  I might blog about my years wit him filling the man shoes in Happy land and I may not.  He fades in and out of happy land depending on my faith in whether mystery man likes me.

But back to my upheaval. 

The next time I get to be in the same room as my mystery man, I plan to tell him that I like him a lot, and I plan to see what can maybe be done about that.

Whether or not a glass of liquid fortitude will be needed we don't know yet.  I hope not as I want to be fully sober when he tells me that he's not interested in me that way.  With liquor I will probably be apt to fall into a heap of tears and wail that life is so unfair.

FML.

Well, as usual, Coldstone creamery has saved my night.  I am unsure as to whether or not a second bowl will be needed but I think my pillow may sue for visitation before my freezer can command my presence.

Single and blogging is tired and knows not of the drivel she types...

Power shift.

At about three- three forty five this morning, I realized why last night hurt so bad. 

There had been a power shift in my household and I wasn't even aware that I had lost.  Without ever feeling the change in the wind, I had lost the power as parent... to a ten year old. (okay I might as well start saying eleven.  He will be 11 on the 29th)

And I thought back... When I work on the weekends, I trust him to watch the girls.  The one time I went out at night and had a little bit of adult time, I trusted him to watch the girls.  When he displayed the desire to cook so long as I did the prep work like defrosting it and seasoning it, he was overly happy to put it in the stove.  If I had to run to the store really quickly, he was in charge.  He walks the girls to and from school (or did until the girls started walking themselves)

I mean, OMG WTF was I thinking???  While I was busy trying to lighten my stress load, I was making his heavier and heavier until he somehow became an almost equal partner in this whole parenting thing.

WTF did I just do to my little boy?

And last night when he very insolently looked me in the eye and told me he did the best he could with the dishes all the while knowing that I knew he didn't even try, I snapped.  I didn't do what I should have done and tried to reason out WTF was going on in my son's head, I didn't try to vocalized my thoughts and feelings (although at that precise moment I'm pretty sure what I would have said if I had vocalized would have made merchant marines, pirates, seasoned sailors,and Frenchmen gasp in horror...  What I said later would only have offended 90% of parenting organizations.)

And like I said a a quarter past effing-dark thirty this morning, it downed on me that I behaved like a teenager with a squalling newborn would act. And I was ashamed of myself.  And hurt that I did that.  And I cried.

It's been a long time since I cried over parenting.  I suppose in a way, I was due for the cry.

I think it's time for an upheaval in my life.

Single and blogging is thinking...

Bad moment...

I can't believe I am actually typing this but I need to make this thought get out of my head and go away.  Leave the gate open and risk the other thoughts leaving the yard but I need to make this thought go away.  Right now.

God help me, I don't want to be Mommy right now.  Right this moment, I want to be a thirty year old on a warm beach somewhere with an endless supply of alcohol flowing in my direction.  Right now, I really hate the fact that I have kids.  Right now, I want to be free.

I blogged this morning about my son not doing his chores.  Tonight it spiraled out of control.  Tonight the situation grew legs and ran away from me, into a brick wall, pulled out a pic axe and kept right on going.

I told him.  I told him calmly, with more control than I could muster on an ordinary day, that if he didn't do what he needed to do, I would not give him anything he wants.  He would not eat the food that I had to get plastic plates and utensils in order to serve because he couldn't be bothered to wash a dish.  He would eat a skinny sandwich and go to bed.  And I had to stick to my guns.

He came home and he went in the kitchen.  He half swept the floor meaning there was stuff all over in the corners.  He washed the five dishes I put in the sink before I realized they all needed re washing and gave up.  The rest he just wiped down.  He didn't wash the counters.  He didn't do anything he was supposed to do.

...And I hit him.  God help me I hit him.  And I called his grandmother a bitch to his face.  And I told him... no I yelled at him that he was never going to live with either his father or his grandmother and if that's what he was angling for, for me to get so pissed off that I would send him to live with either of them.

...And I had to order the Chinese food I was planning to give the kids for dinner and I had to leave out his order. 


God help me, but I have to make my son watch while his sister eat Chinese food and he eats a thin turkey sandwich and a bag of potato chips and a cup of water.

I am feeling very bad right now, bloggers.  I am feeling like I am not worth the gift God bestowed upon me when he gave me kids.

I can't help it.  But I resent him right now.  True I wasn't really college material but I would have stayed if I hadn't gotten pregnant in college I would have stayed and plodded through.  IF I hadn't been pregnant, I wouldn't have married Randy, and if I hadn't been a mommy, I wouldn't have stayed in that marriage as long as I did.

I am trying hard not to blame my son but right now it's hard.

So hard.

Sing and blogging is really not feeling very good.