Power shift.

At about three- three forty five this morning, I realized why last night hurt so bad. 

There had been a power shift in my household and I wasn't even aware that I had lost.  Without ever feeling the change in the wind, I had lost the power as parent... to a ten year old. (okay I might as well start saying eleven.  He will be 11 on the 29th)

And I thought back... When I work on the weekends, I trust him to watch the girls.  The one time I went out at night and had a little bit of adult time, I trusted him to watch the girls.  When he displayed the desire to cook so long as I did the prep work like defrosting it and seasoning it, he was overly happy to put it in the stove.  If I had to run to the store really quickly, he was in charge.  He walks the girls to and from school (or did until the girls started walking themselves)

I mean, OMG WTF was I thinking???  While I was busy trying to lighten my stress load, I was making his heavier and heavier until he somehow became an almost equal partner in this whole parenting thing.

WTF did I just do to my little boy?

And last night when he very insolently looked me in the eye and told me he did the best he could with the dishes all the while knowing that I knew he didn't even try, I snapped.  I didn't do what I should have done and tried to reason out WTF was going on in my son's head, I didn't try to vocalized my thoughts and feelings (although at that precise moment I'm pretty sure what I would have said if I had vocalized would have made merchant marines, pirates, seasoned sailors,and Frenchmen gasp in horror...  What I said later would only have offended 90% of parenting organizations.)

And like I said a a quarter past effing-dark thirty this morning, it downed on me that I behaved like a teenager with a squalling newborn would act. And I was ashamed of myself.  And hurt that I did that.  And I cried.

It's been a long time since I cried over parenting.  I suppose in a way, I was due for the cry.

I think it's time for an upheaval in my life.

Single and blogging is thinking...