I can't believe I am actually typing this but I need to make this thought get out of my head and go away. Leave the gate open and risk the other thoughts leaving the yard but I need to make this thought go away. Right now.
God help me, I don't want to be Mommy right now. Right this moment, I want to be a thirty year old on a warm beach somewhere with an endless supply of alcohol flowing in my direction. Right now, I really hate the fact that I have kids. Right now, I want to be free.
I blogged this morning about my son not doing his chores. Tonight it spiraled out of control. Tonight the situation grew legs and ran away from me, into a brick wall, pulled out a pic axe and kept right on going.
I told him. I told him calmly, with more control than I could muster on an ordinary day, that if he didn't do what he needed to do, I would not give him anything he wants. He would not eat the food that I had to get plastic plates and utensils in order to serve because he couldn't be bothered to wash a dish. He would eat a skinny sandwich and go to bed. And I had to stick to my guns.
He came home and he went in the kitchen. He half swept the floor meaning there was stuff all over in the corners. He washed the five dishes I put in the sink before I realized they all needed re washing and gave up. The rest he just wiped down. He didn't wash the counters. He didn't do anything he was supposed to do.
...And I hit him. God help me I hit him. And I called his grandmother a bitch to his face. And I told him... no I yelled at him that he was never going to live with either his father or his grandmother and if that's what he was angling for, for me to get so pissed off that I would send him to live with either of them.
...And I had to order the Chinese food I was planning to give the kids for dinner and I had to leave out his order.
God help me, but I have to make my son watch while his sister eat Chinese food and he eats a thin turkey sandwich and a bag of potato chips and a cup of water.
I am feeling very bad right now, bloggers. I am feeling like I am not worth the gift God bestowed upon me when he gave me kids.
I can't help it. But I resent him right now. True I wasn't really college material but I would have stayed if I hadn't gotten pregnant in college I would have stayed and plodded through. IF I hadn't been pregnant, I wouldn't have married Randy, and if I hadn't been a mommy, I wouldn't have stayed in that marriage as long as I did.
I am trying hard not to blame my son but right now it's hard.
So hard.
Sing and blogging is really not feeling very good.
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