What the hell

Why is it that when I get my spine all hard and full of concrete to do something, someone comes along with a jackhammer and turns my concrete spine to rubble?

So last Wednesday, I did two change orders.  We never have enough change on Monday to make it through until Wednesday so occasionally I try to head off the riot act about not thinking ahead by doing two change orders, one to be delivered on Saturday and one to be delivered on Sunday.  That way we have enough to get us through until the next time Garda comes which is on Wednesday.  So, on Wednesday, I did two change orders.  One to be delivered on Saturday and one to be delivered today.

Leave it to Garda to fuck it all up.

So I get in this morning and I immediately notice that they have two receipts meaning that they took both money bags and I'm thinking "Crap, I'm going to get blamed for this." I hadn't even realized the full fuckity of it all yet but I knew I was going to get blamed.

So I realized the full fuckity (Yes I know I'm making up words) of the situation and I decided "Fuck it, when (not if) I get blamed for this, even though it is soooooo not my fault, I'm just going to quit.  I would rather have quit than hear about how this is my fault. (Seriously, you think I'm kidding, this would have all been my fault.  Children starving on that undiscovered island just east of West bubblefuck is my fault...)

I had it all played out in my mind.  I was going to stay awake tomorrow morning and have this conversation because I knew I was going to get the call and then I thought why do this over the phone I should just come in.  Won't be a big deal.

And then the Garda guy came in and he fixed the situation.  I am not actually allowed to say how he fixed it cause that would just be TMI and snooping eyes could threaten to fire me for insubordination again.

Sorry, in a really cynical mood at current.  I'm a little disillusioned and I can't remember why I love my job so much.  I have grey hair behind it, I have had a case of Shingles which is a stress induced condition available only to people that have had chicken pox before, I have nervous ticks, and sleepless nights.  I have actually ome to dread going in some days.  A job is not supposed to be like that.

I really can't blame the job for it.  I'm tired of working in retail.  In fourteen years, I have only seen customers get ruder and ruder while I'm forced to be nicer and nicer.

I have been cussed out, hit by kids, had my nose assaulted by the diapers of kids that have those obnoxious parents who would rather shop than change their child, and been nearly deafened by kids who think that if they scream at the top of their lungs their mothers will be forced to take them out of the store when instead said mom just says "sssh!"

I think I have reached my limit bloggers.  I don't know what I want to do with my life but I'm pretty sure it's not retail..

Hmm... IDK.  Anyways, back to painting my keyboard and watching Desperate housewives.  Once again, I'm lost in the new episodes but what can you do but invade Hulu.

Single and blogging is bored... and that's never good.

Bit of a rant...

See this is why I love having a blog... I can have a ranting moment and no one really has to care... or comment

You know what really grinds my gears, chafes my buttocks, and  makes me wanna scream?  When people who I think are my friends feel that they can badmouth people who are my friends to me.  Seriously.  You have half a brain, you know that she's one of the closest friends I have, why the hell would you think it's okay to say half the shit you just said to me???  Gah!!!  This is why I have Facebook statuses where I just haul off and scream...  People like her.

And you know what bothers me more?  The fact that I can't protect my best from people like her or that people like her are apart of her family.

Need I repeat?  GAH!!!!!

I promise I'm not dead.

I would say that those of you that read this also see me on Facebook so you know I'm not dead but honestly... are we for certain that death would stop me from facebooking?

So this is going to be short, I have to get ready fro work.  I'm loosing me interest in work.  Now that they have the other woman to replace the great fuck up, I am the tortoise to a hare and she is liked more by the boss and she is getting the lions share of the hours.  I, on the other hand am constantly being sent home early because they need to save hours.  And then the markdowns build up and I get the riot act.  Lemme tell you, I can practice Osmosis all I freaking want to, but I will never get good enough to finishing the mountain o' markdowns from in front of my TV.  I don't care how frustrated boss lady gets that they aren't done, keep sending me home and don't expect me to get anything done.

So I am off to work again today.  This was my weekend to work.  I normally would conetrate on the work aspect but bloggers, I had a Mommy Playdate.

Yes you read it!  I had a playdate.  My kids went, and they played with other children and they didn't kill them!!  I have the rough bunch and I'm always at two ends of concern.  Are they going to like the other kids and are they going to be too rough for the other kids.  I didn't have to worry about that.  They had fun.  And I had fun, we all had fun!!  Playdates are the bees knees.

Do bees have knees?  Where did that expression come from?

Oh well, off to get dressed then go get my coffee and trudge to the salt mines where I will undoubtedly be sent home early just for shits and giggles.  So there you go... the "I'm not dead" blog.

Single and blogging should have waited till after work to do this cause now she has to skedaddle!

I swear...

I was in a good mood between 6:15 and 6:33 this morning.  At 6:34, however, all of those happy sleep endorphins were promptly banished to the valley just of the hill. 

We fucking have bedbugs... AGAIN!!!!

Seriously??  I mean seriously??  As if that's not a reason to really hightail it out of here.  This is the second effing time in three years.  And the landlord does nothing only send his flunkies to come spray.  The last time this happened I had to get new beds and new mattresses because they were wood.  Now I have to get more protective coverings for the girls bed and the spray.  I will be damned if i go out and get new beds again.  These beds are metal and they are less than three years old (True because they have been in the possession of my kids they look much much older, but that's not the point)

Oh come on, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

I feel like a character on Grey's Anatomy right now.  You know how they answer every questionable situation with Seriously?  I feel that way.

Oh by the way, the voice that narrates my thoughts, yeah she's no longer some random British woman, she's Meredith Grey.  Not sure but I may have experienced Grey overload last night.

So back to why I have lost my good mood.  Remember I said I'm that paranoid person that thinks everything bad is happening to her?  So I'm pretty sure that for the next few weeks, I will be inspecting my bed, my clothes, everything and that every little itch is a bug crawling on me.  I HATE MY LIFE!

I want to move right now.  Screw my job, screw my life here. (Hell it's not like I'm actually going to get the guy, right?  Have you looked at me.  I am so most likely not his type.) I will miss my friends, my friends are awesome but as much as I love them, my friends cannot compete with keeping me in a bedbug ridden house.

FUCK!!!

Single and blogging wants so badly to go back to bed and start this day sooooo oover...

UHm...

So I'm sitting here watching Grey's anatomy thinking WTF?

When i last left my lovable cast, Izzy had a brain tumor and was married to karev, Derek was angling for chief and with but not with Meredith, Christina was with Own but not with Owen, Baily was having trouble in her marriage but married, Lexie was new and annoying and trying to bond with Meredith.

Now I tune in to the new episodes and Karev is dating Lexie who is not the Lexie that used to be Lexie. Derek is chief, I think, the chief is no where to be found, Karev is not married to Izzy, Izzy isn't even there.  Baily is not married and sleeping with a guy that's probably ten plus years her junior, Derek and Meredith have not been in the same place this whole episode, have not met in the hall, haven't talked, Did I mention that Lexie is not Lexie?  And she's sleeping with Karev.  WTF is IZZY??

I think George is dead.  He was in the elevator with Izzy (WHERE THE FUCK IS IZZY???) as she was going down for her tumor.

Oh fuck it!  I don't care, I'm confused and I don't like it, I'm going to have a russian.  I fucking deserve one after this week.

Oh did I mention that the group is supposedly going paintballing and again no one mentioned one damn thing to me?

Single and Blogging is in need of...

Upheaval...

I think I am ready for an upheaval in my life and I know exactly how to do it.

Today when I was trying hard to disappear inside myself, I did what I normally do.  I went to my happy place where I am not only loved by my friends, but by that special someone.  Currently that special someone is the unnamed one.  Well he has a name but I'll be damned if I put it here.

In my happy place he and I are dating.  I haven't yet dreamed up anything more.  And to be honest I don't want to really.  The guy in my mind before him was an Italian prince named Marco, and pure fantasy.  I might blog about my years wit him filling the man shoes in Happy land and I may not.  He fades in and out of happy land depending on my faith in whether mystery man likes me.

But back to my upheaval. 

The next time I get to be in the same room as my mystery man, I plan to tell him that I like him a lot, and I plan to see what can maybe be done about that.

Whether or not a glass of liquid fortitude will be needed we don't know yet.  I hope not as I want to be fully sober when he tells me that he's not interested in me that way.  With liquor I will probably be apt to fall into a heap of tears and wail that life is so unfair.

FML.

Well, as usual, Coldstone creamery has saved my night.  I am unsure as to whether or not a second bowl will be needed but I think my pillow may sue for visitation before my freezer can command my presence.

Single and blogging is tired and knows not of the drivel she types...

Power shift.

At about three- three forty five this morning, I realized why last night hurt so bad. 

There had been a power shift in my household and I wasn't even aware that I had lost.  Without ever feeling the change in the wind, I had lost the power as parent... to a ten year old. (okay I might as well start saying eleven.  He will be 11 on the 29th)

And I thought back... When I work on the weekends, I trust him to watch the girls.  The one time I went out at night and had a little bit of adult time, I trusted him to watch the girls.  When he displayed the desire to cook so long as I did the prep work like defrosting it and seasoning it, he was overly happy to put it in the stove.  If I had to run to the store really quickly, he was in charge.  He walks the girls to and from school (or did until the girls started walking themselves)

I mean, OMG WTF was I thinking???  While I was busy trying to lighten my stress load, I was making his heavier and heavier until he somehow became an almost equal partner in this whole parenting thing.

WTF did I just do to my little boy?

And last night when he very insolently looked me in the eye and told me he did the best he could with the dishes all the while knowing that I knew he didn't even try, I snapped.  I didn't do what I should have done and tried to reason out WTF was going on in my son's head, I didn't try to vocalized my thoughts and feelings (although at that precise moment I'm pretty sure what I would have said if I had vocalized would have made merchant marines, pirates, seasoned sailors,and Frenchmen gasp in horror...  What I said later would only have offended 90% of parenting organizations.)

And like I said a a quarter past effing-dark thirty this morning, it downed on me that I behaved like a teenager with a squalling newborn would act. And I was ashamed of myself.  And hurt that I did that.  And I cried.

It's been a long time since I cried over parenting.  I suppose in a way, I was due for the cry.

I think it's time for an upheaval in my life.

Single and blogging is thinking...

Bad moment...

I can't believe I am actually typing this but I need to make this thought get out of my head and go away.  Leave the gate open and risk the other thoughts leaving the yard but I need to make this thought go away.  Right now.

God help me, I don't want to be Mommy right now.  Right this moment, I want to be a thirty year old on a warm beach somewhere with an endless supply of alcohol flowing in my direction.  Right now, I really hate the fact that I have kids.  Right now, I want to be free.

I blogged this morning about my son not doing his chores.  Tonight it spiraled out of control.  Tonight the situation grew legs and ran away from me, into a brick wall, pulled out a pic axe and kept right on going.

I told him.  I told him calmly, with more control than I could muster on an ordinary day, that if he didn't do what he needed to do, I would not give him anything he wants.  He would not eat the food that I had to get plastic plates and utensils in order to serve because he couldn't be bothered to wash a dish.  He would eat a skinny sandwich and go to bed.  And I had to stick to my guns.

He came home and he went in the kitchen.  He half swept the floor meaning there was stuff all over in the corners.  He washed the five dishes I put in the sink before I realized they all needed re washing and gave up.  The rest he just wiped down.  He didn't wash the counters.  He didn't do anything he was supposed to do.

...And I hit him.  God help me I hit him.  And I called his grandmother a bitch to his face.  And I told him... no I yelled at him that he was never going to live with either his father or his grandmother and if that's what he was angling for, for me to get so pissed off that I would send him to live with either of them.

...And I had to order the Chinese food I was planning to give the kids for dinner and I had to leave out his order. 


God help me, but I have to make my son watch while his sister eat Chinese food and he eats a thin turkey sandwich and a bag of potato chips and a cup of water.

I am feeling very bad right now, bloggers.  I am feeling like I am not worth the gift God bestowed upon me when he gave me kids.

I can't help it.  But I resent him right now.  True I wasn't really college material but I would have stayed if I hadn't gotten pregnant in college I would have stayed and plodded through.  IF I hadn't been pregnant, I wouldn't have married Randy, and if I hadn't been a mommy, I wouldn't have stayed in that marriage as long as I did.

I am trying hard not to blame my son but right now it's hard.

So hard.

Sing and blogging is really not feeling very good.

Been a minute

Okay so I think I promised to do this every day but as you can see, I'm not very good at that.  Don't know if I promised every day, don't think I would do something that stupid. 

Anyway... haven't had too many thoughts demanding elbow room lately.  I have had the normal problems but nothing big.

The boy is misbehaving again.  I honestly think I am going to have to do something very drastic with him.  I think drill school or a drill sergeant is in order.  He's slacking off in the few chores I give him... again.  I ask him to wash the dishes and when he's done (five minutes later) the dishes either have bits of food stuck on them or they are so greasy the slip right out of my hands.

People think that my priorities are skewed becasue I have only three real requirements for the house I move into down south... I want my own bathroom because frankly I am tired of sharing with my kids.  It's annoying now that my kids just walk into the bathroom when they need to go regardless of if I am in the shower...  I want a dishwasher... See the above blurb.  I am tired of risking Ebola or dysentery just because my son refuses to wash a dish so it's usable again.  And I want a laundry area cause lemme tell you, hauling bags upon bags of cothes to the laundrymat every other week is no fun at all and lately I have been screwed to all hell because I have to make the choise to have electricity or clean clothes and there's only so long the electric company will by my hours got cut as a way of paying them half so that we can have clean clothes. 

And I know that I have friends out there that would more than gladly say, "Bring your clothes over to my house, just bring your own soap." but again this falls on the mooch thing and if you know me, can you really see me hauling my clothes to someone else's house??  Okay yeah if I had absolutely no money at all then I might swallow my pride but I am also the same woman who bought a thing of laundry soap and washed her kids school shirts in a pot on the stove just like my grandma probably did in the old days.  (Which lemme tell ya, not that easy but not that hard.  Boil the hell out of it, then boil in some fabric softer, squeeze out and hang dry.  Really not that hard.)

The girls are behaving pretty good but then I am not/ was never really concerned about them.  They have me by example to know how a female acts.  JOvaughn has no men on a constant basis.  I have had offers from my male friends but... there's really no way to end that sentence.

I think that's why I want a man in my life so badly, I want a role model for Jovaughn.  And I think I would like him to be an outdoorsy type.  Hiking, playing ball but also smart.  They boy has a brilliant mind and that's not just me saying that because I'm his mom and I love him.  He picks up math like water to a duck, he likes science, and he can build.  The boy took tape and paper and markers and built a train.  He can write out the train stops for the #6 train in New York City from start to end.  I mean, wow, he's good at most of the stuff I sucked at at his age but at the same time he has a few bad habits that are just clogging it all.

HE eats like a racehorse and if I don't give him the food, he takes the food.  I know it's not fair, but I blame my former mother in law.  Jovaughn lived with her for a year and she fed him like he was a starving orphan.  They got up in the morning and she gave him breakfast, a snack on the way to school, a snack at school before lunch, lunch, a snack after lunch, a snack on the way home from school, a snack before dinner, dinner, and then maybe a snack before bed.  Count that up, it's eight maybe nine times eating a day.  I should have broken this when I got him back but I didn't and I regret it sorely now because now, if I cut his eating by a little bit he makes it up in thievery. 

I don't know what to do and I admit I am at my wits end.  I'm one of those moms with a terrible secret.  I have a son (And a daughter sortof) that eat so damn much they are busting out of their clothes.

Ugh... I have spent most of my free time blogging and I should be cleaning and getting ready.  So maybe I will blog tonight, maybe not.  IDK.  Blog ya later!

 Single and blogging is loggin' off!

Mother's Day

So, I'm the person that waits until the last possible moment before I get my moms mother's day present because I concentrate on what the kids make for her versus what I get for her.  And let's face it, my mom only wants a card from me anyway.  So card done, I started wracking my brain for what the kids should get her.  For Christmas the year my kids were 5,4, and 2 or maybe one or two years older we took a portrait at my job which was then Wal-Mart portraits and then took it to a shop call Hometown threads and had a blanket made with the kids picture on it.  I think that was the pinnacle of gifts from kids right there.  I mean it was sooo much better than the "Best Mommy in the World!" mugs and the cheap strung beads necklace that I got her when I was a kid (Did you ever notice how your kids gifts to your mom are sooo much better than the gifts you gave your mom?)

So this afternoon, I was at work when my eye fell on the hand print mosaic kits that you're supposed to use when your child is a newborn and I thought "hey!  I'm only eight plus years late but my mom will LOVE that!!"  So I got three.  Unfortunately I have to go back tomorrow and get more of the mold stuff because Kayla put her hand all the way to the bottom of the mold gel and it says not to because then you won't get the lines in their hands.  I did Olivia's this afternoon and not only id we get the lines on her hands we got her nails because the way she put her hands in and the way the plaster set, it look like her hand is coming out of the plaster  It's fricken awesome.  I am going to paint them and make them glossy with the can of sealer I bought last year by mistake.  and then the kids are ging to write their name, their age, and the year on then and Sunday we are going to have my mom cry... again.

In a way, I love mothers day.  I have a never ending stream of handmade cards, and songs, and things made from Popsicle stick and paper from my kids courtesy (sp?) of their school but even though I don't keep the stuff all year round, I love it.  Gaudy and tacky as it may be I love it.

This year I plan to celebrate Mothers day in bed.  Oh get that look off your face!  This is my first weekend off in three weeks and I am going to sleep until my eyes refuse to stay closed.  I might drink too. 

I need to go eat.  Oy!  The things we do for a single day!

Single and Blogging is hungry!