Happy November!

So although I'm writing this post at midnight on technically November 2nd  To me it's still the first.

I hate to sound like a whiny little brat, but I need my car back.  I need my freedom and my independence.  I love my mom and my aunt and Joe and everyone who's broken their backs to give me rides, but I am about to reach that all too critical breaking point where I just start crying for no damn reason other that I miss the freedom to go wherever whenever.

I do have a small amount of good news though...  After three long weeks I can finally say that my period has stopped.  One, I know that was TMI.  Two, I KNOW that three weeks is a bit long and I should probably have gone to the dr by now to make sure that I wasn't you know... dying.  But uhm... There was work.  And then there was work.  And after that I had a bit of spare time to, uh, work.  And the five minutes of my life that it seems like I have on my day off, I was too damn tired and my doc doesn't do walk ins which doesn't matter because I couldn't drive over there to be a walk in anyway.

But it's stopped so I can naturally assume that I'm not dying.  I mean if I drop dead tomorrow I will hope it wasn't because I was leaking for two weeks longer than I should have but still.

And it's not just that the bitch was on for three weeks, she was here for her normal week, eased off to almost making me think she was gone for a couple days started creeping back for more days and then just decided to come full back for another week.  The third week was not fun at all.  If there was ever an issue of blood loss, it was then.  The sudden migraines, my blood pressure spiking.  Last freaking week, yeah try and convince me I wasn't dying.  But damn it, despite the fact that I spent last weekend crying (Or was it the weekend before, I don't effing know anymore.) I did last week with a huge smile on my face.

Which is hard.  Like I said last week (Or was it the week before? Dammit, I hate losing time) I hurt someone with a blog and he got really mad.  And I'm not actually sure that he's ever going to accept my apology. This makes working with him kinda hard because aside from stuff about work, he doesn't talk to me.  Like at all.  And I have to admit, I kinda miss that.  I do.  I really miss it.

I had an odd feeling tonight at work.  I say things and people don't really think that I mean what I say.  Admittedly I have earned the reputation of being kinda crazy and usually jokey at work but sometimes, I'm not joking and I really mean what I say.  Sometime I need for people to at least listen and see if I am joking before they laugh.  But not everyone does and not just at work, it's most of life.

So okay, I guess I can chalk this hour that I spent playing Family Guy and blogging up to daylight savings and get ready for bed.

There's some drama going on at my church and I know I'm really just being nosey by going in tomorrow but I'd like to know what is happening to my church and to decide if I really want to call this my church anymore.  I love the people there I do.  With all of my heart but I don't do drama if I can avoid it.  I create it from time to time, I understand that but I tend to stay away from it.

Good night folks.  Stay frosty which understandably is way easier to do now that it's officially Fall and I don't say that because the equinox was a couple weeks ago I say that because today was the first day in a long time that it was COLD  Like really cold.  Well, to the Southerners... to me it felt good.

Okay guys!  Good night!

Another entry in the bad mom diary...

So... this morning is braid day for our household or rather, the younger females of our household.  Thanks in part to family members who came to my rescue once again, my daughter will finally get to look like girls again.

But when I pulled out old trusty, my hot comb, I came face to face with what I have been steadfastly ignoring for about three months.

Since August, my youngest daughter has been loosing hair and sadly I knew it was happening but because there wasn't a damn thing I could do, I turned a blind eye and let my child wear basically combovers because like I said there was nothing I could do and looking at it would only make me madder than I needed to be.

Their dad got married in August and their grandmother  (His mother) took it upon herself to put a perm in my daughters' heads.  For the people of the lighter persuasion who read my blog, a black person's 'perm' is really a relaxer.  To make the hair straight.  And I'm not explaining that with any snide in my voice, some people honestly don't know that black people tend to call a relaxer a perm.  Anyway, she put one in each of my daughter's hair.  The problem, she used the same one that she uses on her head.  The blacks reading this know where this is going already.  Kay's hair could take it better because I've had to actually use a strong perm on her hair once.  It was a bad summer that year and I had no choice so her hair was, while not used to it, stronger and able to take it.  Liv's hair, however had been pampered with low strength children's perms all her life because she had a different quality of hair that Kayla did.  Kay gets her hair from me.  IT's rough, it's thick and it really doesn't ever act right unless you straighten it well.  Livy's hair was fine with an essential blow out but a children's perm made that blow out like condition last way longer.

Anyway, my x mother in law used an adult super strength perm on both heads and left them on until the girls said their scalps were burning.  Which is way too long.  For the wedding day, their hair looked pretty decent.  But very soon after, it started falling out.

As a matter of fact, When they were returned to me at the end of August for school, Liv's hair was already starting to fall out.

This morning, like I said, I was confronted with just how bad her hair really was...

This was what her hair looked like BEfore I hot combed it...

And this is what it looked like after I'd gotten somewhat through it.  I sincerely hope the talented African girls at the shop can get their tiny fingers on that.  IF they can't we will have to work something out.

So yeah, I'm starting the day feeling like a horrible mother.  Not a good feeling.

Stay frosty bloggers, I have to go get the money to fix this travesty.  I will blog later.

Oh a By the Way...

Things Claudette should NOT do...

I think number one should be go into to Walgreen's late at night and walk past the wine selection.  Had an interesting conversation with the lady at the register who now thinks I might be certifiably nuts and probably won't sell me so much as cough syrup anymore.

Number two would be get home and go to town on bottle number one.

Number three would be browse Tinder.

No, let's move number three to number one.

There are some hot guys in Charlotte.  Does the queen city know she has all these hot men?  I'm not sure she does.

If you can't tell I'm well into bottle number one, so let's make number 4 on the list blog while inebriated, shall we?

Hell at least I can spell.

Back to Tinder.  So this afternoon when I installed it, I rated a bunch of guys.  Like seriously, A BUNCH and like seven said like on me.  It might be the very low alcohol by volume cheap wine talking but that's not bad.

Oh wait... eight.  One just liked me back...  He's not too bad looking although his profile is a one liner that says "Seduce away"  Hmmmm....

I should go to bed.  I should really go to bed.  Tomorrow I have to.... uhm... well...

You know what would be really awesome right now?  Finding my sims City 4 disc.  I can't find it and I really want to play it.  I wonder where it went.

THAT'S what I should do tomorrow!! I should clean my room!  I think I will!  Yes.  I shall.

(I probably won't.  I'll probably find something shiny and sit and play with it for hours because I'm just that ADHD.)

*Glances at Mt Laundry*

I should fold that.  I really should.

I'm going to go to bed.  Right after I finish this bottle...er glass of wine...

Stay frosty bloggers.

Nightly 10-28-14

Well, I got some sleep.  That much I can tell you.  And it would seem that sleep, as always, is the key to lifting my mood.  Well not lifting my mood but rather, returning me to the outer bailey of the realm of sane.

I took my night meds like I said I was going to do last night and I got a good six or seven hours of uninterrupted sleep.  I can honestly say that when I finally pulled myself out of bed I didn't feel like I wanted to crawl back in, cover my head and pretend that this was post apocalyptic earth where I didn't have to see anyone if I pretended to stay still.  So... bonus!!

I spent most of the day marathoning The Walking dead.  I'm trying to catch up so that I can go back to walking dead night's a P and J's  Heh P an J's  I like that.  Like peanut butter and Jelly.  That's probably why they fit so well together.  Hehe.  I just made myself laugh a little bit.

Work was good.  I was in a good mood because I decided screw it, life is way way WAY too short not to at least try to be happy.  So try I shall do.  I danced, I had fun, I made a pizza or twelve, I made a free remake for a lady and then made a remake for the same lady (And from what I heard on the end of the line Lady is a term that should be used lightly).  Something about her pizza being messed up.

Here's the thing.  You get a small pizza which already has 3.5 oz of cheese on it and then you add 2x the extra cheese.  One, that is constipation in a box.  And two that is 7.5 oz of pure Mozzarella on 8 oz of baked bread and about 1/8 c of sauce. (Yeah, I know I just gave out all of our secrets.)  When it comes out of the 450 degree oven, the pizza is going to have melted all over the crusts of your pizza because, well, it's cheese and it's more cheese than should be on a small and it's not going to follow the rules, it's going to melt all over the bleepity bleep pizza.  I can shove that gooey mess back into the circle it's supposed to be but then I can't cut it because once I cut it, it's going to ooze in that direction as well.  It's going to be oozy and gooey and a general mess.  It is not going to be pretty.  I might be good, I don't know, I can't eat cheese but it's not going to be pretty.  And it is not messed up.  So please don't call and cuss out the shift leader who had nothing to do with your pizza.  If anything call and cuss out the cook that made it.  No... wait.. that would be me and that confrontation would not end well.  Well, it might end well for her because she will get more free food but it would not end well for me because I'd be out of a job.  Still, Do not call and cuss out the shift leader.  Never cuss out the shift leader.  None of them.  Just don't.

So in other news, I got on my Wii Fit today.  Six days ago I got on it and it asked me to set a weight loss goal.  I chose two pounds in two weeks, pretty much what I always do.  Mainly because it's normally about a month between the times I get on the thing.  Well surprise surprise, I got on it after only six damn days and have lost 3.6 lbs.

Yay!  And no, that wasn't a me hoping in the air with a big ass smile on my face yay...  That was a sarcastic yay.

Dare I say it, I'm losing weight too fast.  Last night, I went to put on this silver ring that I have had forever and it fell off my ring finger.  On a normal basis it was a little struggle to get it on the finger and the ones it did slip onto easily were cut off from circulation after a few minutes.

It would figure that I would go through another bout of weight loss.  My stomach is torn up again.  And my blood pressure is high.  I spent last week in a haze of migraines and nosebleeds.  I need to lay off the salty shit.  Of course this means laying off the french fries which are by far the most awesome food on earth.  I could eat french fries for dinner and never eat anything else... and I have for like a week.  But I realize now that I'm older and my body is shedding the excess weight, the salt of the french fries and other foods I eat is not a good thing.  I don't absorb it the way I used to.  Now it give me all sorts of baddies  Migraines, the extreme thirst that not even sticking my head in lake Michigan could quench, the nosebleeds from hell that don't stop unless I plug my nose and hang my head upside down which causes blood to rush to my brain which gives me migraines.  I supposed I should give in and go make an appointment to see my Dr.

And not because the itch plus B is withholding my meds.  She refuses to refill my trazodone which is starting to get lower than I like to see it.  She's probably going to withhold my tramadol next in which case we will fight.  No I'm serious.  We will fight.

My girls are going to get their hair done on Saturday.  Finally, my little girls will get to look like little girls again and I swear if my xmil lays a hand on their heads....

I'm washing the rags from work tonight.  I do this about once every two weeks on average.  The dry cleaners next door used to do them but she runs them through the machine once and then brings them back.  Nah honey.  If they are a dull and dingy as when you put them in the washing machine, wash them again.  The first time I washed them it took a full bottle of bleach and like five washes to get them clean and then I learned an important lesson.  One must get the shit out before one should add bleach.  So now we wash them until the water runs clean and THEN I add bleach and wash them one more time.  Saves bleach and I'm not bleaching dirt. That being said,my washer seems to eat the really icky rags...  We don't have the proper space of whatnot to hang the rags until they get dry before putting them in the wash pile so what happens is dirty wet rags get thrown on top of dirty damp rags and mold begins to grow and they get even groadier.  Is that a word?  Well it is tonight.  When I wash them I wash them all together but the ones that still have mold on them after the bleach, well, they conveniently go away.  I don't know what happens to them, I swear I don't...

*Walks away whistling innocently*

I have about a half and hour left on the episode of Walking dead I started when I got home but I am tired and I think I will finish it in the AM.  I don't have to be ready until about five when J picks me up for work.

I love my friends and my family that's been giving me rides, but I want my wheels back!!  I miss the independence of just being able to go wherever, whenever.  I am not a housebound kind of person anymore.

Ugh!  Ending this on a good note.  I'm gonna turn off the xbox and get some z's.

Stay frosty y'all!!

(Untitled)

Does anyone know a good way to stop crying?  I really really need an answer here.  Because if I cry anymore, I'm pretty sure that I will be dehydrated in a weeks time.  I can't do this and I don't know why I am.

When my marriage blew up, I cried maybe three real times that I can think of.  Three times that the tears meant something.  The rest of the time I shouted and I fought and I said some things that shouldn't have ever been said as well as some that should have been said years before.  They both earned me an enemy and a friend that come hell or high water has my back for probably the rest of my life.

Hang on, my windows media player thinks that NOW is the best time to play Backstreet Boys' "I'll never break your heart."  Really?!?!?!

There is way too much of that on my WMP and thanks to my mom needing a few songs for a disc I'm supposed to make there's a shit load of songs praising god.  Sorry, but that is NOT what I need to hear right now.

Where was I?  Oh.  I fought and shouted when my marriage ended because I felt I had been wronged but in this, I was the one doing the wronging and at the moment, I am doing one hell of a job beating myself up so I guess I am fighting but still...

Like I probably said before the person that got hurt by my blog is not the first person to be hurt.  The last person I hurt knowingly however, I didn't want a second chance with.  Ironically, it's me not wanting a second chance that won me one as well as a third fourth and so many more chances than I'll ever use.

If you haven't guessed, the last person I knowingly hurt with my blog was my ex husband.  And it was him seeing how I felt all spelled out for him that showed him I was hurting and not capable to saying what I said there to his face.  I eventually did say those things and many many more to his face but when I finally said them, I wasn't hurting him, I was earning his respect because in his eyes, now I could go out into the world and actually express how I felt to someone else.  It was okay for him to cut the final string.

He was soo soo wrong.  I still can't tell people how I feel.  I just sit and nod and let stuff build up inside until it all comes rushing out in one torrential outburst that comes with casualties.

This time... this time I truly and honestly didn't mean to hurt anyone.  I just meant to get certain things off my mind.  So if I fight, who else can I fight but myself?  Who else can I beat the shit out of but myself?  Who else can I scream at but myself?

I'm afraid to sleep.  I don't think I've ever been afraid to sleep.  Last night I didn't take the trazodone because that keeps me asleep.  Instead I tossed and turned all night because that way, there was no chance of dreaming something that would make me cry.  The result was that I cried all night anyway but I was awake for it.

I'm not hungry although I know I should eat.  I bought a bag of Dove Chocolates as a last minute comfort food that has always worked in the past. (In an "Oh shit, I just ate an entire bag of chocolates." now I have something else to feel guilty about kinda way)  But Dove chocolate tastes like sawdust.  I cooked tonight.  I made chicken tenders, rice and corn.  On a normal basis, I can down about six tenders, half a bag of rice (Which equals about a pound), and almost a can of corn on my own.  Yeah, I'm a big girl.  Do you know what I managed to shove down my throat tonight?  Three tenders, three spoonfuls of corn, and not even three spoonfuls of rice.

At least one good thing will come out of this.  I'm going to be an absolute stick figure by the time I get my head above water.

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About the only thing that has tasted good today is a glass of water.  Do you think I'm kidding?  I'm not.  They tell me that about 40 ounces of water is good for you daily.  My water bill will probably beg to differ.  I wake up crying with a dry throat so I down a big cup of water.  I pee and I cry and my throat hurts from crying and my eyes are dry so I drink another big cup of water.  It's nine pm and I've had six huge cups of water.

That's number seven tonight by the way.  Six went the way of the medji with what I suppose you could call dinner.

You know what, I'm sitting here reading this and thinking about how pathetic I sound.  I mean I have my reasons for why I'm so broken up but I'm not going to share those here.

Hopefully the fact that I know that I sound like a pathetic blithering mess right now will make it easier to sleep tonight.  I fully planned to take my meds and get a good night's sleep.  I have to work tomorrow night and I have to work with the person that I hurt.  I really really don't want to spend the night doing stupid things like crying everytime he has to say something to me.

That would be bad.

I am currently trying to plod through my DVR.  How to get away with murder (Which has a lot of sodomy in it.  Okay maybe that's not the best way to say it but the gay guy has an ENORMOUS amount of sex.  On network television.  I'm jealous and intrigued and damn proud!  Go Gay rights!!  Someone is wearing the big ball sack over there!!) is holding me but not holding me.  Grey's anatomy, it's ok  No one falling in love there.  Scandal... I dunno yet.  There's always sex.

Little side note... The little notes they put inside of the dove chocolates that are supposed to be encouraging... aren't.

I want to take a bubble bath.  No, I want to go to a spa and get someone to rub me down until all of the feeling in my body falls off to the floor.  Can someone do that for me?

I need to start rambling again.  If I can start rambling again, I can try and get back to who I was.

Hey I haven't cried in about an hour though.  Water is not leaking from my eyes but the adverse side of that is that when I stand up, I'm going to have to pee like a racehorse.  I won't be getting up anytime soon.

Dunno what time my aunt is going to pick me up for work tomorrow but I have a feeling that if I get good sleep tonight I should be able to power through the rest of season four of The Walking Dead before she gets here.

Right now, I need my bestie, a tub of ice cream, and a string of Lifetime movies.  Very little talking, enough crying so that I don't ever cry again.  I need my bestie to sit next to me and just say "Yep." when I go off on a tear filled tangent.

Aw fuck, I'm crying again.

I'm going to find something to watch that will make me laugh.

Right after I go pee, Damn water.  What is the city putting in this stuff?

I should be asleep

Lord above knows I am tired but at the moment, I can't really sleep.  There's a lot on my mind and when I finally went to sleep last night, I cried until I drifted off and kept crying because when I woke up my pillow was wet.  I also had some really nasty dreams.

Mind you there was no blood and for once they weren't themed around the latest netflix shows I've been watching which are Call the Midwife and the Walking dead.  But they were still nasty.

I'm not clear on the details this many hours later, but I can say that there was pain in every dream.  Snap crackle and pop weren't the only sounds in my bedroom this morning.  A lot of groaning because my body hurt in places it shouldn't have joined the chorus.

I also spent a copious amount of this morning crying.  I didn't know the human body had this many gallons of salt water in it.  I went to work where I cried.  And I would stop crying for strangely long periods but then I would cry again and then I did something that I'm finding I do way more than I should which is speak out of anger and aim it at the wrong person.  I have already apologized to them but I think I'm just going to start a list.  I;m going to label it "People who deserve multiple apologies"

I managed to ride home with my mom and not cry.  I even managed to be mom for all of ten minutes and not cry and bonus, I even had a conversation on the phone and didn't cry or pick a fight.

But then I sat here and cried.  And cried because I was crying.  Then I got mad that I was crying and I cried some more.  Seriously, there can't be this much salt in a normal human body.  There can't be this much water.  There just can't.

So needless to say that although I'm sitting here yawning on top of yawns (That very surreal moment when you are almost finished with the first yawn and a second yawn sneaks in at the end and you yawn again)  I'm actually afraid to go to bed.  I don't want bad dreams and I don't want to wake up with a wet pillow.

Also, I'm off tomorrow.  Pretty sure I will cry again because what else is sleep for but to apparently replace the water in your body so that you can spend the day repeating the same activity you've been doing for a day and a quarter.

Can I wake up just one day and be a guy?  Just one day.  Scratch wherever I want to, say whatever, act however?  Just one day I'd like to wake up as a guy.

Oh leave me alone, I know I just categorized men into an unflattering light... again...

My eyes are heavy bloggers.  I'm not going to be able to fight not going to bed much longer.  I may or may not blog tomorrow.  It's my day off so I don't imagine too many things will happen that will be blog worthy.  NInety percent sure that I will curl up in bed or get out bed and clean something.

Okay, I give.  I'm going to bed.

Bridges and walls.

Can you mend fences
When you only fix what you see
And all you see is half the fence?

Can you build bridges
When the water is rushing
And you don't know how to swim?

Can you tear down walls
When they're made of steel
And your wrecking ball is plastic?

Can you trust someone
When you don't listen to them
And only judge what you think you hear?

Your fences will always be broken.
Your bridges will always fall in.
Your walls will always keep good things out.
And your trust will always be only in yourself.

You must listen to build fences.
You must talk to build bridges.
You must trust to tear down walls
You must let walls fall to build trust.

I will stand and hold the boards while you hammer.
I will help keep you afloat until the bridge is built.
I will chip away at my side of the wall until I meet you.

Just trust that it was worth your time.

The trust has to be on both sides.
Mine is there.  Always was.
All we need is yours.

An Apology... not that it matters.

So once again my fingers got me in trouble.  This time they have ended something that I'm not sure ever began but whatever.

I got mad. And I went overboard.  And I got insulting.  I admit that. I admit all of that.  Even if this is my personal blog and I don't name names, people can still access it and see it and read it.  Given that, Even that, especially that, I should still be a lady and not be an insulting asshole about anyone.

So recently I posted a blog titled Men Suck.  If you want to look for it, fine, I'm not going to delete it because it's out there and I did feel that way at the time. The message I was putting down was what I felt, I just went about saying it the wrong way.  I was insulting and belittling to all men.  No man deserved that.

The thing is I never get to tell my side of the story.  Ever.  Everything and everyone else is always more important that me in everyone else's world.  To tell the truth, I'm not even in my own top five anymore.  

No one ever wants to know my side of any story.  And I mean that.  Ever.  Some people might listen and then turn it into their own time where I listen to their woes but then some just don't have time for me at all.  And they don't see how much it hurts.  But that's neither here nor there.

What I'm trying to say, is that I meant what I said, but I didn't mean it the way I said it.  I hope that makes sense.  I'm pretty sure it doesn't.  However, it's the only way I can say sorry.

I have removed my blog from Twitterfeed.  If you are reading this because you now follow it, great but it's not going to post to my facebook anymore as far as I know.  Of course if this shows up, then there's a setting I can't erase.

Full as a tick

 Oh my God!!!

So tonight, My aunt had family dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.  A couple of things.  One, this place was so awesome that I turned my phone OFF.  not on silent, not on vibrate, I turned it OFF.  And did so without being asked to do so.  Second, the food...

Insert Homer Simpson like drool here.

So my salad was an actual wedge of iceberg lettuce.  Like they cut the entire head into fours and made four salads.  It was 1/4 of a head of lettuce.  Yeah I know that may not be awesome to everyone but then they put thousand island and bacon on top of it and I got the guy who's sole purpose in the place it is to put fresh ground pepper on things to grind pepper on it.  Awesomeness!!  I have always dreamed of eating someplace where a guy stand over me and tells me to say when to make the pepper stop.  I know, I have very small dreams but damn it was nice and fresh and awesome and it was good and drool...And then the steaks....

I had the cowboy ribeye.  22oz of delicious life altering cow.  Mr. Cow I don't know who you were or where you grew up but damn am I glad you graced my plate with your ass tonight.  I love you.  I didn't finish you because there was a LOBSTER TAIL on top of you but oh my damn what I did manage to get down was so freaking fantastic...  And the baked potato... Until this summer, I never at baked potatoes but Patty made me eat one this summer and I am SO glad she did.  SO glad.

And if that wasn't enough, I had wine AND a Chocolate martini.(Which don't let it fool you it's really a really strong white russian)  But so good.  I know, I'm saying so good a lot but... so good.

And dessert!  Chocolate molten lava cake.  I had it without the caramel and the ice cream because there has to be a limit with even something that awesome and ice cream was my limit tonight.  The chocolate has espresso.  I'm pretty sure I may not sleep tonight.

Hell who am I kidding, I might not eat for at least 36 hours.  I am so damn full.

And why do people say full as a tick??  I would think full as a leech since when leeches are done feeding they just fall off.  That's what I wanted to do tonight just fall out.  But I couldn't because I was wearing so much spandex under my dress that even if I would have fallen out I would still been sitting straight up with my tummy sucked in.

Come to think of it, if I hadn't had the tummy sucker I might have been able to finish the steak.  Nah.  Maybe.  Most probably. but

Oh.

My.

 God.

If you get the fundage to go, I highly recommend Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.

Now off the foodage and onto me.  I already said I was wearing spandex but you should have seen the whole outfit!

As a matter of fact... hang on...

You know what, I'm so done trying to format these pictures.  I'm actually tired and have a food headache.

Maybe food headache isn't the best description.  I have an I've had my period for three damn weeks eaten enough chocolate to give an anorexic diabetes and want to go to bed kind of headache.  But as you can see, I looked good!  And I finally got my knee high black boots and they are fantastic!!  I'm ignoring the fact that you can see my bra thrugh the top of my dress.  Concentrate that there are indeed boobs up there.  Don't get to see those at work.  Lesson to guys.  Take me places where I can show off the boobs.  I will be happy.  Because I will be happy, you will end the night happy.

Wait... did I just say that if you take me out and let me look like a girl I will put out?

You damn skippy.

Also, there should be some foodage involved.  I'm not picky.  Maybe a movie.  And some foreplay.  But mostly take me out and show me off.  I like to be shown off.  I like thinking that people of you because you're with me.

I'm vain like that.  Get over it, let me be a girl and you'll be happy.

I'm going to take my night meds and go to bed.

I had a blast tonight.  Thank you Auntie!!

Night bloggers!!  Stay frosty!!

I can't say I'm okay

But I can't say that I'm not.

Work is still fun although some parts of it and some days, it actually does feel like work and some days I just dont want to be bothered.  I don't like feeling like that and in the past those tend to be the days when I'm so off my game that something bad happens.  Tonight I made and remade a pizza wrong.  Yep, I made a pizza wrong and then made the remake wrong.  Same pizza, wrong twice.  That has to show you how off my game I was.

Not that tonight was one of those nights where I don't want to be bothered.  Quite the opposite actually.  I sat in the house for I wanna say two days but I got out yesterday AND got to make pizza. (Howie's is like a siren call, I don't go far from it...ever.)  But tonight.  Something just wasn't... there.

It's not car issues.  I could care less about my car.  It's probably more like health issues.  I'm back to feeling broken again but this time, thank God, it's missing a period, it's the freaking period from hell that never goddamn ends.

On week three now.  Weight gain is up to thirteen pounds mostly because I eat chocolate and French fries.  And when I'm not eating chocolate and french fries, I'm craving chocolate and french fries or feeling guilty because I just ate chocolate and french fries.  I need this to end.

On the other hand, while I'm a freaking fountain of... I'm not going to finish that... I'm most decidedly not horney.  The thought of that right now... ew.  And for that reason I can actually look at my latest crush objectively and realize... meh.  Of course all males are meh at the moment.  And I don't mean that in a bad way at all, just an I can leave you because I probably won't take you right now kind of way.  I actually attempted to watch The Borgia's on Netflix tonight and there are mad sex scenes in it.  For the first time in a long time I watched them with a sense of ...well... meh.  A lot of bloody moaning and groaning and men having all the damn fun.

I don't understand the mechanics of it all.  They stick that into us women and go in and out and it's supposed to feel good??  You might laugh and you might say because I've never actually enjoyed sex that I'm overthinking it but I don't get it.  In out in out in out faster in out in out and then done.

Yeah I think it's safe to say at this point that whatever fire had been lit in me a few weeks ago has been doused.  I'm good.

I'm tired and I have a migraine and tonight for maybe the fifteenth time I swore that I will not eat or drink any more chocolate for at least six months.  It doesn't even taste good to me right now.  Of course I've also been eating bakers chocolate so that may have something to do with it.

No more chocolate.  Can't say the same for french fries.  That craving isn't going anywhere.

Well, it might.  It's time for me to see my dr. soon and she did promise me that one more visit with my blood pressure up and she would put me on hypertension meds.  I don't want that and my recent headaches, while generally caused because I can't seem to stem the flow... I'm not going to finish that... might be caused by raised blood pressure.  The nosebleeds are part of that too.

Whine whine whine... I'm done.

If you were waiting for the whine to end, it's right here.

I got my dress for tomorrow.  I love it.  For once I didn't get anything in black or grey, I got it in red.  Yep, I got a color. I need to go to the steakhouse restaurant's website and decide what I want to eat.

Of of the things I think I need to do, I know I need to go lay down.  Whine or no whine, my head is pounding and now there are bright colors intruding in my vision. Nor can the nausea that's creeping up on me.

Stay frosty bloggers.  I'm going to lay down.  Eff this.