Wasn't a stellar day...

So there it is... Today's snapshot.  I probably could have summoned up a fake smile for the blog purposes but honestly, since the blog is supposed to be about how I'm feeling, a fake smile wouldn't be doing anyone any justice.

I found out last night that a very good friend of mine passed away over the weekend.

The thing about it is, I don't know how to talk about him.  He was my special friend.  He and I had a kind of bond that I don't think I've ever had with another man.  He is... was... in a sense the pargon that I held pretty much every other man against.  No man ever came close to him.

We met the year I turned 18.  I was in college and I was brand spanking new to the internet.  I even remember my email... It was detta18jcsu@hotmail.com.  Laugh out loud.  I was on Yahoo! Games playing Gin Rummy when I was paired up with this guy that called himself Big Poppa.  I don't know what about, but we struck up a conversation that held over to actual Yahoo! chat.  And we kept talking.

When I found out I was pregnant, I turned to him.  When it was decided that I was getting married, I turned to him.  It's one of my long kept secrets that to Him and him only, I confided that I didn't love Randy and I didn't want to get married.  I wanted to have my baby and go on with my life and Big Daddy kinda convinced me that Randy had asked so that meant I at least owed him a chance to do right by me.  When things went south, he was the one that said outright that I'd given it the chance I was supposed to and now it was time to go on with my original plan and be my own woman.  Everyone deserves a chance.  It's what they do with it that defines who they are.

Big Daddy has been there for me since I was 18.  In three years, it would have been 20 years but I'm not going to dwell on that.  I'm going to remember the 17 years I did have the pleasure of knowing him.  I'm going to hold the memories that I shared with him and keep them close to me.

So I spent the day hanging pictures.  My canvas came and I was not happy with what I got.  I originally ordered a 30x70 size canvas but they emailed and called and told me that the image was horribly pixelated and they could not in good conscious print it so they scaled it down to a smaller size.  What I got was a miniscule thing that just made me mad but I solved the problem by incorporating it into a grand picture wall that I have to say takes even my breath away.

And my efforts today only cost me a wax warmer (That smashed to the floor) the use of my thumbs.  I swear, I love my hammer but my aim sucks ass.  I smash my thumbs pretty much EVERY TIME I nail something.

I wish I had more to say tonight, but I don't.  I'm just going to sit here and watch one more episode of one of my shows and sip on my beer until I'm tired enough to lay down.  I think it was a good thing that I didn't attempt to see anyone today.  I'm pretty sure I would have been a blubbering mess.

All day.  Because that's me.

Stay Frosty loves.  I'll be back tomorrow.

Rainy days and Mondays

Can't say they've ever got me down.  On the contrary, I love Mondays (mostly because unless there's an issue, I am off and I get to sleep in.  Seriously, my girls don't even expect me to be awake in the hour they take to get ready for school on Mondays.  Tuesday I may be a little more awake and human but not on Monday.) And Rainy days are always awesome.

I think it's something about the smell of a good rain.  It's like renewal.  Everything is washed clean.  As Martha Stewart says, "It's a good thing."

Seriously though, have you ever just stood at your door and watched it rain then taken a big deep breath (okay maybe I don't take a deep breath, I have asthma and it doesn't like the spring like weather)  IT's a metallic kind of smell, but I like it so much.  If I could bottle it into a perfume and a fabric softener and a air freshener I so would.  And Don't tell me that they make Rain Fresh as a scent because I have smelled those.  They smell nothing like a good clean Spring rain.

So my mom wants me to start looking for another job.  She says that I am slowly killing myself.  My bones can't take it and I am probably doing more damage to myself in the long run by staying.  She didn't get far though.  I pointed out that in the past year (which honestly, I didn't even realize it's been almost a full year until the other day when Amber and I were talking about it) I have lost almost fifty or so pounds, my happiness is through the roof because I get to see something besides my four walls everyday, and I have money that I didn't have to ask anyone for.  I no longer want to take long walks into traffic because my serotonin levels are just amazing to the point where even my doctor noticed the last time I saw her.  She said, and I quote, "In the past three years that I've known you, I have never seen you smile as much as you have in the last few months." Even my kids are happy.  Mommy doesn't get to spend as much time as she wants to with them so the time she does spent is made extra special and memorable.  So no, mom, I'll be keeping my job so long as my job wants me.

I fixed my dryer today.  Donald showed me how and told me where to order the part and took pictures so I'd know how to reconnect things but I put that sumbish on all by myself today and it works!! I have a working dryer again!

Rainy days and Monday always get me happy.

Plus, tonight is walking Dead night with my Patty and Joe!!! I get to go over and watch a show that I didn't want to watch but they talked me into watching and then hooked me on watching and I get to go be with them!  Yay!  Love my P and J.

So you may or may not have noticed that with each blog I now take a webcam picture.  Don't worry they WILL get better, I just ordered one that is supposedly 50 MP but I have a feeling that it's really 5.0  It's whatever, it'll still be a better picture.  I think I will keep up the picture thing because sometimes, when I'm reading someone's blog (yes I do follow other peoples blogs) I sometimes wonder what they look like or for the ones that I read daily, I wonder what they look like that day.  You know they can be describing that that they look and feel like crap and I wonder, do they really?  So yeah.  I think when I blog from now on, I'm going to include a picture.

Valentines and Easter are dangerous holidays.  Food Lion had Dove Chocolates on sale buy one get one free.  so of course i got two bags.  And Ice Cream.  And M&m's.  I've been sitting here snacking on Dove Chocolates since last night.  I think I am going to go make myself a milkshake.

I so Love Mondays!

Alight luvs, Stay Frosty.  I may or may not blog later tonight.  I may just let this be todays blog and wait until tomorrow to come back.

Stay Frosty!

So, a little bit of pissed off I guess...

I grew up with a teacher for a mother.  I've seen every trick and scheme that parents use to get their kids to do well in school.  If seen children work hard and get sneakers or a game or some treat.  And to be honest, even as a kid I thought it to be a disgusting parenting practice.

Why would you pay your children to learn??  Should the fact that they will grow up not to be an ignorant dumbass be reward enough?? If you pay your kids to learn they are only learning to get something and that something is not the satisfaction that they have learned something.

My ex has for years been paying my kids to learn and no matter how many times I ask him not to do it, he insists that they need an incentive to get good grades.

Here's an incentive:  They get good grades, they get into a good college and they might eventually get a job that will let them be independent adults and not depending on Mommy and Daddy for everything because they didn't have someone paying them every time they did well.

But no matter how many times I get mad, every quarter they get the report card, they get $5-10 for every A and $2-5 for every B.  Olivia came home with $10 this weekend while Kayla came home with $5.

I don't want my kids to think that the only reason they need to pay attention and do well in school is because Daddy is going to give them money.  It's like when they were little.  I gave then quarters for losing teeth.  Their Dad gave them five dollars per tooth. I took them to the dentist to get them to learn proper dental hygiene but no they wanted that green so what I got was kids trying string to a tooth and the other end to a doorknob or a (god help me but  am not lying) bicycle.  They tried anything and everything to pull their teeth out so that they could show them to Daddy and get the money.

My choice of word then: "Stop paying my children to rip teeth out of their heads!!!" his response? "I'm not! The tooth fairy is!"

If the tooth fairy were real I'm pretty sure she would have knocked him upside his head for that.

So now, I say "Stop paying my children to learn!"  He says, "I'm not, I'm giving them an incentive to keep it up!"

No, Randy you are not.  You are paying them to learn.  You are paying them to do their homework.  YOu are paying them to better themselves.  They need to want to better themselves because it will make them better people!

Ugh....

Also he has been updating my mother on his plans for my (okay I really should say our) kids.and not me again.  I really hate it when he does that.  I just found out via my mom that he is taking them with him to Oklahoma this summer.

JUst once I'd really like to know what's going on with my kids before my mom knows.  I'm just saying.

I have nothing real to bitch about.  Just the ex.  He hasn't pissed me off in a good long time because he really is a good guy most times.  HE was a shit husband and can sometimes be a sub par human being but he's very rarely been a bad dad.

On another note, how awesome is it that this is ALL I have to complain about??  I mean life is awesome in just about every single aspect besides the ex.

I have a charmed life and I love it!

Smooches!  Stay Frosty luvs!!

Lacy Nighties and freshly wash hair..

So yeah, this is me right now.  Don't even try and blow up that picture to see if you can see anything. You can't.  I took this picture five million times on purpose so that you couldn't see anything.

So I just got out of the shower and had a marathon oil down session.  I really need someone to do my back.  I have short arms and my eczema is acting up again.  It really sucks.

But yeah, I thought with this much hair I just might actually break my neck washing it this time.  Of course I have that fear every time I get my braids wet because let's face it, dry this mess is an extra fifteen pounds on my head already.  Add water to it and damn it's like someone attached a lead weight to the top of my head and swung that ish backwards.  I have actually given myself a serious neck cramp washing my braids before.  Hell one time I got in a pool and while the water felt so good (think orgasmically good) on my scalp while I was in the water, the weight of it pulled me backwards into the pool when I tried to get out.  Trust me it was both hilarious and frightening.  I climbed up and no sooner than my hair being free of the water did the weight pull me backwards so hard I lost my grip on the ladder and went flying backwards back into the pool.

A backwards flop into the pool is not fun when you are so shocked you gasp deeply.  And get a mouthful of highly chlorinated water up your nose and down your throat.  Lifeguard had a good time giving me mouth to mouth though.  Then he laughed.  Then the paramedics they called because I couldn't move my head (my neck hurt so bad I couldn't move and they thought maybe I'd fractured something so they called the EMT) laughed.  Then the doctors are the ER and the xray techs laughed.  It wasn't until a nurse at the er with longer braids than I had at the time told me that the same thing had happened to her before did I finally laugh. (Although I may have only found the humor in the situation because I had been given painkillers by that point)

But it's whatever. washing this mess put a strain on my neck but I got it done and it's actually almost dry now.  I think I washed all the chemicals they put in the hair to preserve shiny and whatnot out because OMG my head feels so much lighter.

It also doesn't smell like pizza anymore.

Working at Hungry Howies has given my nose a new appreciation for the girly scents.  Ask me if I gave a crap about jasmine and lilac before.  I can assure you I didn't.  And for awhile after I started working there I still didn't so long as I didn't smell like tomato sauce and cheese.  But now lately, I am actually noticing the girly scents.  Cherry, Strawberry, coconut, They're actually pretty mice.  And random guys walk past you and say "Mmm you smell nice!" I'm seriously not kidding.  I had a customer catch a whiff of my perfume once and tell me that I was the nicest smelling female he's smelt in a long time.

Mixed reaction.  Just what do females in his smelling vicinity smell like and why was he actively smelling them and me?

I had a point to this blog, I'm pretty sure I did.

So tomorrow I will go back to First Mt Zion for the first time in maybe four months.  I'm not allowed to blog about whats been going on but let's just say that my faith has been seriously tested by the events that have been taking place there.  So much so that I didn't even bother to find another church like my mother did, I just would rather work on Sundays and occasionally watch someone pray on TV.  Okay who am I kidding, I'm not watching anyone pray on TV.  I think Queen Mary on Reign was blessed by a priest in one of the last few episodes.  That counts, right?  Yeah, that counts.

I'm 35 and I have to admit, my faith has been tested so many times that it's seriously not funny anymore.  Two churches that I have been to now have been torn apart by it's members fighting, One was really a bunch of ex sinners trying to get right with God and although they took care of my family and I, I never really felt comfortable amongst them.  But then at this point in my life I can honestly say that I have never felt at home in any actual church.  I love the church family I met at FMZ but when it all boils down to it, it's the people I miss, not the church.  That doesn't seem right to me.  I really don't think I am the church going variety.

And some people aren't and that's okay.  Not everyone believes that going to a building with people praying and preaching at you and around you is the right way to commune with God.  I am one of them.  I can be standing outside enjoying the sunshine and feel a particular need to say something to God and I know he hears.  I don't need to dress up and go to a building to talk to Him.

But tomorrow I have to go back for one reason.  Again I can't blog about what and why but I think after tomorrow if all goes the way it's supposed to go, I may be an infrequent visitor.

Eh, whatever... another rambling thought off the top of my head.

Which now contains dry hair so I'm going to take my melatonin and finish my beer (probably not one of those sentences I should put online) and grab some sleep so I can get it and go to church.

Night bloggers!  Stay Frosty!

So about now...

Is when I post the usual "I hate Valentine's day" post.  Or I go all over Facebook saying how I hate the toddler with the smelly diaper and the sharp stick...

But this year, I'm not going to do that.

I'm just simply... not.

I don't actually hate valentine's Day.  I never have.  In reality, I kinda like the day.  I mean it's a day dedicated to love and I am a hopeless (Key word: HOPELESS) romantic. how can someone who loves romance NOT love Valentines Day??

No, what I don't love is watching all of my friends who have partners amp up the love and PDA five million times.

I mean seriously, I look uncomfortable and nod absently when you guys tell me ALL ABOUT your love issues, now I'm supposed to sit and watch you make out.  Nope, I'll pass.  Love you bunches, but... I'll pass.

But it's whatever.  This year there are two movies that I want to see and I'm going to see them.  Not on Valentines day because Valentines Day is a Saturday.  I will be a captive of Sports Connection from like eleven AM on.  YEs, I know who I work for.  No I did not change jobs.  My job is the whipping boy of a little gym called Sports Connection every single Saturday.  We bend over and they whip away.

But We love it.

That sounded way less dirty in my head.

Who am I kidding, no it didn't.  LOL.

Anyway...

I want to see the 50 Shades of Grey Movie and I want to see Kingsmen.  Both come out the day before Valentine's Day and both will hopefully be there the following Monday.

I don't really have a reason for why I am not going to hate on Valentine's Day this year.  There's no man in my life.  (If you remember, I kinda screwed the pooch on that one a few months ago and even if I hadn't he's no longer apart of the work scene and I have the feeling that even if we were still anything to each other he wouldn't have given a shit to my feelings when he left.  I'm pretty sure that his quitting would have been our break up since he assumed I hated him as much as anyone else and never said a word to me when he left.) There's no romance there whatsoever.  BUT I do have good friends, a good job that I enjoy almost more than writing, and my kids are happy and healthy.

So why be down?  Because I'm not getting laid?

Please... sex isn't everything.

It's nice, don't get me wrong but I've reached a point where it, or rather lack of it, isn't going to break me.  I'm perfectly fine with or without it because I am perfectly fine with myself.

Also, I have stopped getting a million different colors in my hair.  I am down to black, grey and silver.  That's right, I'm rocking grey hair and loving it.  I mean, you tell me, how do I look?  (And yes, that is a webcam snapshot so this is what I look like as I type this.  I know, I'm a hottie dot com.  I did not just say that... Also, no cracks about how I need to clean off my bed. I know it's messy)

So it's late and I have to be up for work tomorrow because it seems I am a morning person.  Hehe, I'm not.  Far from it.  My boss thinks I am and I play the role fairly well as long as there is caffeine nearby. Although I'm not sure who the caffeine helps more.. Me or the people around me....

Yawn!  Tomorrow is truck day and my shift leader has promised me that for the first time in a  year... I will be helping to put stuff away.  The fact that I moaned and said "But I'm a girl..." didn't help plead my case that I really don't want to lift anything.  So I will be taking my tramadol to work tomorrow.  Pray for me, this may be the last time that I walk upright for a few days... LOL.

OKay, stay frosty, chickies!!

I love you.  I always have, I always will.  Just make sure you love yourself and life will be okay!

Night!

What if there is no Happy ever after??

The majority of females grow up with Disney ideals that someday after everything is said and done, their knight in shining armor is going to show up and everything is going to be okay.  Some of the more reality based females understand that everything might not be okay forever but for that moment, at least, everything will be bright and shiny.  This is not to say that all girls grow up with these ideals.  Some simply don't have that Disney-esque happily ever after in the back of their minds.

Girls like me tend to sneer at those girls.  At least I used to be apart of the group that did that.  Now I'm starting to see life from their perspective.

What if there are no Happily Ever Afters?  What if all we have and all we will ever get is Contentedly right nows?  What if those make us so content that they seem like Happily Ever After?

I grew up with the happily ever after as my goal in life.  My entire childhood all I wanted was my man to sweep me away from New Jersey where I never felt like I fit in and take me somewhere where he would marry me, let me have his kids and we would be happy for the rest of our lives.  It was my dream.  My happily ever.  To be very honest, my happy ever after dream wasn't actually a by product of Disney.  They didn't hit the upswing of princesses until I was an adult really.  I only had Snow White, Cinderella, and sleeping beauty as my Disney female role models.  Let's break that down for a second:

Snow White- Her mom dies and she gets a really bitchy stepmother.  (Keep in mind that I have NEVER seen Snow White) Mommy dearest decides one day that little snow is way to pretty so the only obvious solution is to kill her.  Snow runs away and goes to live with seven tiny men that look after her in exchange for her cooking and cleaning for them.  When he prince charming finally finds her, she's in a coma because mommy dearest found her first and the naive little thing took and ate an apple from a stranger that was poisoned.  He kissed her and she woke up thanks to true loves kiss.

Cinderella- Mom dies, she gets a step mother who treats her like the maid.  She wishes really hard and a fairy godmother gives her a pretty dress so she can go to a dance where she meets a prince and then runs away leaving a shoe.  HE scours the country searching for the one woman that fits this shoes because NO ONE else in an entire kingdom can possibly have the same sized shoe as one girl.  He finds her, he marries her.  They live happily ever after.

Sleeping Beauty-  Girl gets taken away by three old women because an evil woman threatens her life way down the road.  She meets a man in the forest and basically plans to spend her life with this guy whose name she doesn't even know.  She falls into a coma and he kisses her.  She wakes up, she's in love, they get married.

If I had based my happily ever after on those three role models, I think I'd be even more screwed up than I already am.  

No, my happy ever after role models were women in the romance novels I read.  They had real struggles but in the end, their men did take them away from all of that.

I'm serious.  All I wanted growing up was to get as far away from New Jersey as possible.  Not my friends though.  In my happy ever after we were friends forever no matter where I went but I just needed out of Ocean Township New Jersey.  I wanted away from my mother and the old school family that never saw who I really was.  I wanted my knight to take me away to a house where I could put my feet in the grass and run free.  Where I could sit in the sun and smile while I watched our children romp and play.  At night he would hold me and make me feel loved.  I would keep his house and cook his food.  This was my happy ever after.

I'm not going into go into my marriage. Nor am I going to go into last summer.

I sat and thought about it tonight.  All of my life I have been looking for my happy ever after and all of my searches have come up short.  In my pursuit of the happy ever after I have let a lot of contentedly right nows pass me by.

No more.  If offered a contentedly right now, I'm taking it.  I'm not going to sabotage it because I hope it turns into happy ever after, I'm going to take it for what it is.  A chance to be happy right now.  A chance to for once, not be the one left on the sidelines wanting.  

You want me, happily ever after, you have to be the one to do the footwork.  As for me, right now, I'm living in contentedly right now from now on.

No strings.

No expectations.

As long as I'm happy in the moment, I'll take it.

I'm in.

So....insert witty blog title here...

Yeah... I got nothing...  At all.

I need to blog but I don't really have a subject.  I can tell you about what I've been eating.

French fries.  I have become even more addicted to french fries.  McDonald's french fries.  Recently, I discovered that I like them dipped in hot fudge.

NO, I'm not pregnant.

Last time I checked members of the opposite sex want to have... you know actual sex for that to happen and I can assure you not one damn member of the opposite sex wants me in that way.

Let's see what we can cover.

Love life:

As mentioned above.  No one wants me in that way.  This is not for lack of me trying.  A good friend of mine said that I shouldn't look to be with anyone until I am happy with myself.

I am happy with myself.  I actually for the first time in probably forever have no issues with myself.  I am okay with my weight, I am okay with the fact that I have complete and total bursts of utter inappropriateness.  I am okay with the fact that sometimes I can be shy and sometimes I can be the most gregarious person you will ever meet.  I am okay sitting at home with myself and doing nothing.

I am happy with myself.  The only thing that I am not happy with about myself is that I can find anyone that happy with me the way I am happy with me.  And I'm not looking for love, I'm looking for... just someone.  I'm wierd and crazy, and sometimes moody and all I want is someone that's okay with that and maybe a little of the same.

I blogged a few days ago about how I was over someone and that I didn't care anymore.  That was a lie.  I mean every day that goes by something happens that makes me want to punch him.  Hard.  But I'm not going to lie.  If he showed me the slightest bit of interest I would probably melt like a snowman in Tahiti. That actually pisses me off but there's a reason behind that.


Work life:

That area of my life is a little bit more interesting. Things are being shaken up there and I am neither happy or amused.  In fact people that I love dearly are talking about going away.  I don't like that.  At all.  I want them to stay and I want other people to go.  I can't make people stay nor can I help make people go but still....  I love them.  We're like a big family.  And just to prove we are close I can tell you with absolute honesty that we have been bouncing the same cold in varying degrees around for maybe two months.  Seriously.  LIke a huge waltons style family.  I love my work family.  I would do a lot for them and wouldn't trade any of them for anything.

Family:

My mom is still being my mom.  Which is to say that there are moments when she forgets that I'm 35 not 16 and she basically decides my life for me.  I am dealing better with these moments.  I tend to listen, take to heart her advice and then completely ignore it in favor of doing what I want to do and then look back in retrospect and realize that she may or may not have had a point and maybe I should have done something her way.  But then that's every relationship with mothers and daughters.

My daughters have, thanks to my aunt and my mother, acquired tablets and cell phones.  This means that I am no longer needed for entertainment.  At all.  It is now so freaking quiet in my house that I'm pretty sure if I screamed, no one would hear it.  On the upside though, my girls actually contact me now.  Now that they have texting and whatnot, I get random I love you texts and whatcha doin? texts.  It's great.

Health:

Not so awesome here.  Like I said above, I finally caught the cold/flu we've been passing around work and OMG!  I'm not sure but I was fairly certain for a couple of days there that I actually was going to die.  And if it would have stopped the nose blowing, the coughing, and the sore throat, I would have given myself gladly over to death himself.  I still have the breathing problems because hey!  I have asthma that really sucks and my voice still sounds like that of a great groan man but with those I can so deal.  Well not with the no breathing.  I have good nights and bad nights with that.


So have I missed any facet of my life?  I'm pretty sure I covered it all.  If I missed anything, let me know.  Until then, stay frosty!!

So this has been a fairly bad (But fairly productive) week...

Bad because last Saturday night, whatever I have been dodging by working with patient zero FINALLY caught up with me and punched me hard.  At the end of the call back shift Saturday night I had such little voice that I had to wait until I got to a stoplight to text my manager for the next day to let her know that I was feeling like shit because I didn't have enough voice for my text to talk feature to pick up.

Stop looking at me like that, yes I text while driving but not actually text.  The text while talk lets me keep my eyes on the road and I really only do it at lights anyway.

I'm withering from that look.  And you know who I am talking to.

Anyway, Sunday Morning, the awesometastic Ambs texted me and said not to come in and to get some rest.  She is awesome have I said that?  She is.  I probably didn't get out of bed until like two in the afternoon and then I firmly ensconced my tushie on the couch and crocheted until the girls came home.  But I should go back and explain Saturday.

Saturday was one of those nights at work.  Just one of those nights.  K was out sick so J1 asked the drivers (Which I was that night) to stay an hour later which meant that J (or rather for the purpose of this blog, since I try not to use names, shall be referred to as J3) had to stay until 10:30, F was free to go at 9 (which she did, happily) and I was there until 1130 (No big deal I'm okay with this because aside from listening to J2 talk (whine) and talk (complain) and talk (bitch) all night I get tips because people tend to tip females on Friday and saturday nights so I was totally fine with this PLUS, I was headed into overtime so... yaya!)  At ten ten J2 decided to let J3 go which, he had been there all damn day, so awesome!  At ten twenty J2 decided to let me go which left him with only 1 driver for the next hour and a half and if anyone has ever worked pizza, you do not want to have only one driver on Saturday night.  You just don't.  But despite anything and mostly because my throat already felt like the highway to hell, I left. I got to Walmart and bought my over the counter drugs to feel better and made it 90% of the way home before J2 texts me talking about one driver and six orders on the screen.

In no happy alignment of the universe are six orders going to line up perfectly for one driver to take.  I doesn't happen.  It's one of those miracles that not even God can make happen. Not on a Saturday night.  I ask him point blank if he needs me.  He says yes so I hotfoot it back to work.

OMG total and complete chaos.  That is the absolute only way to describe what I walked into.  He seemed to have run out of everything on the make line so there's all these lexans on top and he's kinda working around them but I don't know how.  I take a double, T takes a triple.  I get back and need to take a triple because T has one waiting for her in west bumblefuck. (In retrospect she probably should have taken the triple as I had to have a remake because I tripped on the carpet and dropped the third person's pizza on the carpet outside of their room... Seriously doubtful T would have been that clumsy.)

The whole time B was there.  At one point he was putting the bags in the trash cans for J2.  I noticed that J2 sat and texted while I did the cut table for some of the time.  While the make line looked like D day but... No judgements. (Total judgements)

I'm sorry to say that my burning throat put aside my need to have at least my makeline look decent and I walked away after the second run and left.  I was not going to stay and help clean for someone who was on his phone texting when he could have been cleaning before.  And it sounds totally mean of me, but I don't care what time he finally got out because a lot of Saturday night could have been avoided if J2 had just done what J1 wanted and kept drivers until the hours that J1 asked the drivers THEMSELVES to stay.

But whatever.

Sunday as I explain was spent in a nyquil/Dayquil haze.

Monday I was feeling better enough to go get steaks and potatoes to fix the girls an actual dinner and we sat and played life and watched Twilight breaking Dawn until bedtime.  It was nice to spend time with my kids.  They are awesome.  Tuesday I crocheted.  nothing really happened.  Wednesday I did go into work but I had developed a cough by them so J1 promptly sent me home.  Like I did some stuff off the clock but Mommy brough K to the store because she picked her up from school and was going to pick up pizza for the girls and take them home but J1 was like "Go home.  We're dead and you're still sick.  Go home."  Thursday, I still had the cough but I made it through work so yay!!

Now today was a special kind of hell in itself.  I got like maybe five hours of sleep last night because my asthma has decided that even though the cold seems to be about done with me, it is not.  So last night was spent trying hard to breathe. Like almost needed to go to the ER trying.  I would have gone but I could barely breathe long enough to sit up right did you think I was gonna try to drive?  And call an Ambulance and have no way home when they finally release me?  No.  Just no.

Managed to get to sleep about three ish for K to wake me at 730.  I had to get up and get dressed because I had my very first rehab for my shoulder today.  Got there and had to walk so far because the directions said to park in the garage which was around the bloody corner but only for me because I had an old copy of the directions instead of the new copy that said to park in front of the damn building.  Did I mention that it was freaking cold?

Got there and waited like forty minutes to be seen in which time I helped one woman open a door that she thought was automatic while the receptionist just talked on the phone pretending to ignore said woman because well... she was confused about a door. (There was a pad on the wall that says wave your hand in front of it for the door to open.  She waved her hand in front of it maybe thirty times and the door stayed shut so she thought it was broken.  I had compassion for two reason.  One she was old.  Like way old.  She had a cell phone but it was one the oldest flip phones I had ever seen.  I think it might have been a cousin to the original razor. The second reason was because the exact same pad was on the outside of the door and I had stood there for five minutes waving my hand in front of it like an ass before figuring out that I would in fact have to use the door knob.)  Then a woman that bathed in perfume came at sat next to me which started a coughing fit.  When I moved away she said "Thank you because honey, I do not want to catch what you have."  To which I replied "I have asthma and whatever perfume you bathed in is setting it off."  She got offended.  My excuse, when there is sever lack of oxygen getting to my brain, please don't expect the guard at the gate between mouth and brain to be conscious to do anything.  Then I got called in and stat there while the woman told me that since I am a medicaid patient, they can't do anything for me because medicaid doesn't cover therapy.  Like I'm sorry, was this not something you could have told me over the phone yesterday when you called me?  Like ever?  Cause an hour of my day or more was just really wasted when I could have been trying to catch those Z's that were so elusive last night.

Anyway, went to get breakfast, took my boss a espresso shake and then came home and crashed like it was the end of a hard day only to be woken by mom.

So now I am off to work.  I am hoping that today is going to be okay.  IT's going to be a long shift.  I like those but sometimes when I'm feeling like maybe forty percent they can be killer.  But I'm not the type to complain and honestly I put two complaining statuses up on FB already so I'm going to hold all complaing for a week.  I'm not a complainer...

Please go let tonight be a good night!

Stay frosty bloggers!!

French Fries and Vodka...

So first off, Happy New Year.  I know that my last blog only hours ago was basically along the lines of fuck the new year but I'm going to stick to the cliche and say, that's in the past.

That being said, knowing that the object of last years affection had a slightly shitty start to the new Year is kinda helping fuel this level of happy.

The vodka in my McDonalds orange Hi-C isn't hurting either.

And French fries!  Drool love french fries.

I also said I wasn't going to make a new years resolution.  I guess I lied because all the way home tonight I thought of just one thing.  I am done having crushes on men.  I'm done giving any piece of my heart to a guy and he treats it like shit.  This year alone, one person has made me doubt myself more time than even my ex husband did and I tried to commit suicide twice because of him. This guy...

So I spent the last three or maybe four months beating myself up because I wrote a blog that basically called him a whole bunch of names that a man should never be called and he saw it.  I beat myself up, I cried, I yelled at myself, I even stood in the mirror and degraded myself so bad I made myself cry and needed to take a headache pill.

But I never took the blog down.

I convinced myself that I didn't mean any of it and it was just the angry ramblings of a woman that doesn't have any other outlet than her blog.  I told him that it would never happen again.  I apologized more times that I think any human is allowed to say they are sorry in a given year.

But I never took it down.

Tonight, I realized, that I never took it down because deep down, I think I still believe everything I wrote.  I have taken down blogs before.  Usually when I realize that I'm doing more harm than help and it just needs to be like it never was.  But this one, I left.  At one time I did mean to take it down but I didn't.  I just couldn't hit the delete button.  I could not make that particular rant never there.

Do I still want to call him all of those names?  No.  I never want to call any man those names.  Maybe the guy who is going to inevitably throw the switch that starts my lethal injection but no, I never want to call any man those names again.

And I don't wish him any harm in the coming months.  But I also-- and I can't believe this is actually coming from my fingers-- don't wish him any comfort in the new year.  I don't wish him anything.

Several time this year I handed my heart, as broken and bruised as it already was, to him and almost every time, he tore it just a little more and handed it back.

Even my ex husband didn't do that.  He fucked with my head but he never touched my heart. That was a place that even he didn't go.  That is particularly one of the reasons that he still holds a place in my heart.  I would be a character witness for him if needed. I can't say my testimony would help him, but I would be there.... If he ended up in jail, I would make sure his mother and sister came up with bail money.  I might even contribute ten bucks. (Twenty if it's his weekend to have the kids...)  The point is, when a man fucks with your head, you can bounce back-- even if you have to bounce off a few padded walls for a bit.

But when a man fucks with your heart, you don't bounce back.  You take an extreme liking to shiny sharp things.  You become a stone figure of who you used to be.  You lock whats left of that fragile organ away and very few people ever get to see it again.  I dare say that if you've been hurt enough, you lock it away so far and hidden that even you forget it's there.

Now, don't get me wrong, if Mr. Wonderful is still out there someone needs to update his GPS so he can get here.  I'm putting away my heart but at the moment, I still have the key and the ability to let it out again.

Maybe.  I'd like to think I do.

But there will never be another moment when I hand it over to a person that is going to use it to put out his cigarettes.  As of right now.  My heart is no longer and never ever will be again an ashtray.

To that guy, I will say this one last thing.  You had a chance at a good woman.  I am worth more than you think.  I am honest, and loving, and compassionate and you treated me like I was fat and ugly and not worth ten cents.  I cried more tears over you than any woman should cry in a lifetime.  And now I have reached the end of the line.

To him I can say this.  You reached the worst possible outcome with me:

I no longer care about you.  I don't care if you are happy.  I don't care if you are sad.  I don't care if you feel well. I don't care if you didn't sleep well, didn't eat well or if a butterfly flapped it's wings in Bolivia and you have a headache.  Live with it, die with it, do whatever you want.  I. Don't. Care.

Read this or don't.  Call me on it or don't.  Tell me that I've betrayed you or don't.

There are a few people in this world that can verify that when I stop caring about you.  You have lost something very valuable.  If you watch HIMYM, then you understand the picture.  If not, I can't help you.

On that note, I am going to bed.  I have to be up for work by ten.

I hope that everyone has a good new year and that everyone was safe bringing it in.

Stay frosty!

Can I just say Fuck the New Year?

I mean really... I just wanna say Fuck it and keep on trucking.

Christmas was great, Thanksgiving was good.  But the New Year?  The New Year always sucks.  Every year.  Every single effing year.

Even when I'm with my friends on New Years because they have SO's (Significant others) so they have someone to kiss at midnight.  Not even when I was married did I have anyone to kiss.  Randy always chose to have 24 hour duty that night and if he didn't he went out with his friends because we were usually in the North.  Upon reflection I realize he was probably with the horse most of those years but still...

NEver once have I gotten the midnight kiss.  And it sucks.  I get the 12:02 kiss because someone looked over and realized that I was sitting there in the corner looking like I was going to cry.  But never the midnight kiss.

It's kind of like always being the bridesmaid and never the bride.

Did I forget the warning that this is going to be one of those blogs where I whine?  It is.  I'm going to.  This is your only warning.

I have never enjoyed the new year.  I'm  always single and watching my friends be happy.  It's kinda like every other day except that this is the day where it's socially acceptable to be pised drunk and blame the inevitable crying on  the masses of alcohol in your body.

So the majority of this year has been spent really wanting to be with one guy. It's a guy that I work with and really really like although sometimes I don't know why.  He's smart, he's funny, and he's handsome. (Well I think he;s handsome.  NO one else seems to think this.)

I went out with him once and we spent the summer talking about then I fucked up royally and let my nager get the best of me and did something really stupid.  And I lost him.

He and I have just started talking again and I invited him over for new years partly because I still like him and partly because I really don't want to be alone at midnight.  I am totally willing to sit and watch tv with him JUST so I won't have to be alone.

But three people know that I invited him and two of those three people said in the flattest voice I have ever heard "He's not going to come.  He might say he will but he won't"

Just once I would like to live in one of those worlds where your friends actually help you get the guy.  They talk you up and try to get him to see that you would be good for him.  They try to make him see that giving you a chance would be a good thing.  They urge him to ask you out.

But no, I live in the real world where people are brutally honest with me and tell me that no matter how hard I try he's never going to like me that way and I'm wasting my time.  I live in the real world where none of them notice how much their brutal honesty makes me cry and how shitty it makes me feel that once again I have feelings for a guy that not only doesn't seem to like me but that they find unacceptable

And God himself help me (or them) if one more person tells me that they think I can do better.

If I can do so much better then where the fuck is the guy that I can do so much better with?  Huh?  Where?  MAybe you guys should find him for me because obviously I can't.  His GPS seems to be broken.

Just once can I have someone that I want?  Is that so hard to ask of life.  Of Fate, of God? Of whomever is in charge of such things?  Am I really supposed to live in a constant state of wanting to lock myself in a closet instead of watching people I love be happy because them being happy only makes me that much more miserable because I have no one to be happy with???

I'm thirty fuck five and I have nothing to show for it except grey hair and three teenagers.

Don't say it!  I KNOW my kids are awesome and fantastic and all of that but I want love.

How am I so wrong to want that?  How am I so wrong to want that one guy that sees me and smiles?  That one guy that drops a kiss on my forehead just because.  That one guy that when we leave the room leans down a drops a peck on me just because?  How am I so damn wrong to want that?

Man, fuck the new year.  And fuck new years resolutions.  They never happen.

I woke up this morning crying.  I've been crying for the last four hours.  I've also been drinking water because God forbid I go into an asthma attack because dehydration or some stupid shit because of crying.  I need to stop crying because I have to go to work in a few hours where I have to pretend to be a sane human being and not cry.  Not that it's going to matter because everyone there is so damn happy with their lives that not one of them really notice that mast days I want to jump off a fucking water tower.  I guess I'm that good at making people think I'm happy.

Maybe I should be an actress.  I seem to be good at it.  No one outside of the maybe two people in the world that read this know that I tend to wake up crying and go to bed crying.

Next year I will turn 36.  I have no desire to see this day.  I would rather walk into traffic tonight than see this next year.

Sometimes I wonder if I was to just fall down dead would anyone but my mother and kids care?  And would even my kids care since now that live in the world of ipods and tablets and cell phones?

One should definitely not blog when one has had nothing but water to drink.  Especially when said water never seems to make it to her bladder because it keeps falling out of her eyes.  One should realize that she lives in the real world where he friends will always tell her that the guy she likes is never going want her.  One should really stop referring to herself as one.


Fuck the fucking new year.  Fuck it all. Fuck Fuck Fuckity fucker fucking fuck.

I need another cup of water, I think I have finished crying out the last one...