Running screaming...

I swear, I'm going to get drunk and run screaming into the night as naked as the day I was born.  You think I'm kidding but I'm about at the point where if I committed a major crime I would land in an insane asylum and not jail because I'm pretty sure whatever is left of my mind is about to jump ship.

This morning at nine am, I got a call from a telemarketer who woke me up to ask me what signs of aging have I noticed...

Bloggers, the lord was with him when he tied my tongue so that all I could say was that I don't get enough sleep because people call me early in the morning to talk about my aging....

The MBF and AW came to get me and happy of happy happy joy joys we went to Soho!  Of course one of my besties and one of my awesomely so good almost besties were there to see me so we could have hit a hot dog stand and I still would have had a big ass kool aid grin on...

Then real life had to stick is head in where it didn't belong.  We decided to hit the mall.  Wallet not with me.  Have to go to moms.  Wallet not at moms.  Wallet not at home.  Wallet has gone MIA.  Drove all over looking.

Called Walmart as it was the last place I remember having it and the bored woman on the phone first got my name wrong four times then after a shuffle where I'm not actually sure she went to the office to look she came back and told me my water was not there.  I corrected her and said wallet.  She said it 'ain't' there.  At Mommy's suggestion, I went by the wal-mart to ask and the woman who was there actually went and checked the safe and came back to say no but the woman who had answered the phone came in.  The woman who looked asked her if she knew of a wallet with my name and the bored woman (Who stereotypically fit the description I pictured from her voice on the phone) said, "What she come in for?  I told her it wasn't here!"

I won't repeat what I said to her.  I won't tell of the control I lost.  I will only say that she picked the wrong person in the wrong week to get snippy with.

Of course, my ex (who I'm not sure he remembers telling me that he was the better parent since he's been acting like nothing was wrong) in his infinite helpfulness told me about the time his wallet went missing or that his sisters was stolen just last week.  I'm sorry all I wanted to do was scream "I DON"T CARE!!" into the phone.  I don't know exactly what it was he said once I got back in the car, but I snapped.  My exact snap was:

"I have nothing left to give anymore!  I'm surprised I have tears left to cry over this?  What more do you want of me?  In the last 24 hours I have been forced to give up my home, the first place in a long time that's felt like home, I have taken my son out of my family on paper, I have found out that there isn't a damn thing in Charlotte that I can rent within my price range that isn't a total piece of ---- and now on top of all of that my wallet is missing meaning I have to cancel four bank cards, replace three social security cards, replace my food card and after this lady give me my twenty dollars back for these keys, I will have ONLY that to live on until I can get some new stuff.  I can't drive (legally) I can't even prove that I am me!  So what more would you like me to give because I can spare nothing else!"

And he was quiet for over a minute.

I think I may have laid a little more on him than he thought I had going on.

Anyway he met met me at the super small house and he decided exactly what I knew he would decide which was that it was way too small for us.  He wasn't paying for that.  The upside is now he's calling around as well.

I'm home now.  Not if I'm going to sim out or write out but I'm out.  I need to forget about reality right now.

Someone told me once that your friends should be like an expensive and well manicured art collection.  Today I got to see my Mona Lisa and my Girl with the Pearl Earring...

Behind these hazel eyes...

No, I am not going to sit here and quote Kelly Clarkson.  Although I DO like the song...

Today was a difficult one, bloggers. It was difficult on several levels one being that I didn't actually get to sleep until three AM.  I need to work on getting to bed at a decent time and to stop writing....

I hit the floor running at seven fifteen.  The first time in a long time.

I had a breaking moment this morning when I had to one.  Remove my son from my household officially.  My son is no longer apart of my household and with one line through his name it was official in Section 8's eyes.

I swear to God it felt like I was disowning my son.  In the old days in England (Pre Victoria) when a father wanted to disown a child, they drew a line through the person's name and birthdate in the family bible.  The papers I fill out for my section 8 are like a bible to them and when I had to draw a line through my son's name, DOB, and SSN number I felt like I cut away my arm.

My caseworker had to leave to go get the notice of intention to vacate from her office and I just put my head in my hands.  It was all I could do to keep the tears from running down my face, bloggers.  I seriously felt like I just kicked him out of my family and I don't like that feeling.  Even Ms. B noticed that I was close to crumbling.  To be honest, she does her job without emotion which I think is perfect for a government job dealing with families but she often feels so cold to me that I wonder if she has a heart.  Again I realized and appreciate that she has to be that way or she could get in serious trouble if ever Harry Heartbreak and Sally Sobstory came in there.  She looked me in the eye and said that at 14 years old, my son has no legal right to choose where he wants to live.

So I explained that if I force him to live with me, he will probably become sullen and resentful and my ex will use that to slam me into the first courthouse and defame my character to the point where I loose all my children.  She honestly told me I was smart to realize that before it happened.  I'm not smart enough to know it.  I've lived around him long enough to know him.  I know this game.  I hate this game but I know it like a well practiced dance.

I had a pair of contacts in my purse this morning.  I haven't been wearing my color contacts because they are really one of my masks.  I love them.  I can pretend to be a vixen or rocker, or someone else when I look in the mirror and my eyes are a totally different color but here lately I haven't wanted to wear them.  Today... well today I wanted to be anyone else than the person that just cut her own son from her household.  I wanted to be a safe, loved person who has the bosom of her family in her arms.  By nine fifteen this morning I hated myself so much that if I could have stepped outside of myself and taken a look I would have beat myself up to an inch of my life.  I HATED myself.

How... how does one get there?  How does one reach a point in their lives when they despise the person they are??

From best I can figure. from putting too much trust in people that were never meant to have the trust in the first place.

Took Mommy to rehab and then sat in the car making phone calls for an hour.  Went to get the girls and then to look at the place I am hoping to rent.  It's small but for the sake of my children I will make the best of it.  I could do worse and let worse happen because of that choice.  I am making the choice to do this.

My honest opinion of the plage bloggers?  I was to cry  I could fit two of it in the place I have now.  But I will do it and I will not let him see how badly this is hurting me.

You know I Totally understand where Angela Bassett was coming from in Waiting to Exhale.

Tonight the ladies in the dance ministry lifted me in prayer.  I can't describe the feeling.  And as long as I live I will thank God that yesterday when I wrote one of the members to resign the ministry because quite frankly I wanted to walk into traffic, they were smart enough and loved me enough see past I need to resign to see the I quit and goodbye.  That is exactly what I wrote.although I didn't realize it.  I was writing goodbye letters as if I didn't plan to wake up this morning.

I haven't felt that way in a long time, bloggers.  I haven't felt that if I weren't here my children would be better off in a loooooong time.  Yesterday I felt like that.

I think I've let today float away on my blog.  It won't plague me as badly anymore.  I am letting today go.

I'm going to go shower and wash my bad feelings down the drain.

Goodnight, bloggers.

Love

Whoa!!  Two blog posts from me in one day?  Wow...

Crap, I totally forgot what I was going to say.  NOt what I was going to write about but what I was going to say.  I really hate blonde moments.  And yes I call them blonde moments.  I have plenty of Blonde friends who have proven the joke to be pointless a thousand times over but if the alternative is admitting to my age and calling them Senior moments then I'll keep calling them blonde moments.  Come up with a better name that doesn't imply age and I'll use that.

I still didn't remember what I was going to say...

So let's let's just bounce ideas out of my brain until I find one...

When I think of love, I think of sex.  Most specifically the fact that I don't even remember what it feels like much less the mechanics.  I've heard it's like riding a bicycle.  That you never forget how.  Anyone have a bicycle??  I'm pretty sure I can fall off and prove everyone wrong...

So something I was thinking about yesterday while watching the Love love sappy freaking love marathon on television that I couldn't outrun if I had a racecar was there is a whole lot of fooling around going on before they actually get to that bow chicka wow wow moment.  A LOT.

Wanna know something sad?  I actually had to google the definition of fooling around.  No shit I really did.  But this really isn't news coming from the gir who admittedly doesn't even know how to kiss. (Ooohhh.  If you're a first time reader which let's face it, you aren't because no one reads my blogs, I guess I should have said spoiler alert... my bad.)

SPOILER ALERT

I don't know how to kiss.  And judging by the definition I found online I don't know how to fool around.  From what I can tell.  It's all the stuff that comes before sex done mostly with clothes on and doesn't actually lead up to sex.

I'm sorry... that's fun... how??

All I see is disappointment.  Go through all the kissing and the petting and whatever else and then stop?!?  Oh hell no!  Yeah no. Hashtag, I'm just sayin....

And sexting??  Give me a break!  Getting all hot and bothered and then boom your phone dies.  Not that I've ever sexted.  God that kinda sounds dirty.  The stream of thought that emanated from that one sentence requires a twenty minute shower.

Not that Sex is much fun either but I've been told that in the grand scheme of things, I don't do that well either.  Seriously you're probably laughing but I have actually been told that I suck at sex.

So you can see why I have such a downer attitude on the whole thing.  Well maybe you can't, but I think that's denial on your part.  Or maybe that you are laughing so hard it's too funny to be clear.

I don't associate sex with love.  It's an act.  A physical act that leaves one sweaty and more often than not in serious enough pain to consider going to a gym so the next time you'll at least be limber.

No.  Love to me is someone caring for me.  Not Caring as in buying me stuff and taking care of me, but caring as in he wants me.  He wants to be with me.  He cares about my well being. He's interested in me.  The same as I would for him.

Love is having someone to call/text when you have news good or bad to share.  Having a good day?  Text/call that special person.  Having a bad day and need a smile? Text/call that person.

Love doesn't mean you have to be there 24/7 either.  People have to work, people have to be away.  No one needs to be by each other's side all the time.  I don't have an opinion on the people that feel that if you love someone you will be joined at the hip to them.  Dude, go play poker.  Go out to the club with your boys.  Don't suffocate you to be with me.  You can bet your sweet ass I'm not going to suffocate me to be with you.

Okay that last part didn't sound nice.  It sounded even harsh to myself but then if you understand what I'm saying, they you get it and it doesn't sound harsh.  Don't change who you are to be with me because I will not change who I am to be with you.  You liked me for me so who will you like if I change?

Long conversations where you don't do anything but listen to each other breathe on the phone.  That's cool.  Stalkerish, but cool.  Way stalkerish but still way cool.  That you don't need to say anything but you are probably having the best conversation ever.

Love is so many things that I haven't even touched the top of the list.

Can there be sex without love?  Uhm yeah. Yeah... Yep.   Mmm hmmm.

Can there be love without sex?  Probably.

Which would you prefer?  Sex without love, or love without sex?

What am I supposed to do?

So things that were all ironed out on Thursday have now been all wrinkled up and I don't know what to do.

I should have never freaking left New Jersey.  I should have just stayed where I was and let that son of a ---- keep defrauding me and mistreating me.  Honestly it would be almost preferable to the life I have now.

On Thursday I had to explain to J that in order for me to keep this house I needed him to come back to live with me and go to West Meck.  He said this was fine he was okay with that and then his father said God only knows what to him and by Sunday morning, he had decided to stay with him and go to East Meck giving me a grand total of 30 days to find another place, move out, and move in.

No one is answering their phones.  The ones that are answering their phones won't take section 8 and my options are running so slim right now Twiggy couldn't slip through the gap without major scratches.

It's not my last resort but I'm praying God can shine just a little bit of light on my life right now because the darkness is terrifying.

All that aside, my ex is threatening to take my kids.  And you know what, the the tattlers that feel no remorse in picking up the phone and calling him and telling him that I'm talking about him on the net I want you to understand something.  I know who you are.  and you will get yours for stirring up undo crap in the end but this... this right here... this post RIGHT FUCKING HERE is MY BLOG where I AM ALLOWED TO SAY WHAT I WANT ABOUT WHO I WANT, SO GET OVER YOURSELVES AND SHUT THE HELL UP.

You think I'm mad?  No, you haven't seen mad.  You haven't even seen angry yet.

If I could go back to 1997 and show myself what's going to happen if I so much as look in that (expletive deleted)'s direction and slap the black off me for doing so, I would.  I may not have finished school because let's face it, I didn't really like it all that much but you know what it would have 100% me instead of 75% me.

And you know what not even 1997.  I would take 1998 if it were the option open.  I would go back and when he said he was flying in tell him don't bother.

That @$$HOLE even had the nerve to tell me that HE'S the better parent.  That HE is always there (When I used to make his kids call him he never had the time or he saw my number and sent it to voicemail and never checks his messages.  So now he complains that they don't call and you know what that's whatever because I'm not forcing my kids to call their father anymore.)  That when the school calls HE always goes running.  (So that time when you left your son roaming the school parking lot because you miscommunicated the pick up and drop off times or whatever and then told him that he would have to wait there for you for however long it took you to complete what you had to do... Or maybe when you had the chance to be THAT parent when ALL THREE of your kids by were under your care and you decided that you would rather lay on the couch because you'd worked all night.)  That if my son comes back to live with me, he'll revert back to his old ways and HE can't have that because it took HIM a whole year to straighten him out. (Putting him in family court for eating donuts.  Or threatening to have him arrested for pocket change being missing.  Yeah...)

But he questions ME as a parent.

I know what he's doing.  He is pushing me into the corner that HE wants me in.  When I am forced to move into the ghetto.  Into probably the stankiest nastiest place possible because it's all I can get then he's going to get all his family and friends to tell whoever is listening that I'M a bad parent and then I'll lose my kids.  HE gets what he wants in the end which is all the kids with none of the hassle of dealing with the person that broke her back for years and going without for years to make sure that they had what they needed.  None of that will matter because the powers that be will only look at the fact that I've moved my kids to quite possibly the worst place I could and that he lives in bright shiney whatever and I'm toast.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.  I have sat and prayed.  Maybe I'm not voicing it right or maybe I'mm asking for too much when I ask for light but NO answers are presenting themselves.

They keep saying that God gives you no more than you can handle but right now... I think he's has way too much faith in me  I can't do this much more.  I not as strong as He thinks I am.

I...

So many things...

I rarely blog.  I used to alot when I had way too much on my mind but lately I haven't had to blog because I'm able to clear my mind or at least make it so the thoughts that keep swarming around stay quiet so as not to drive me crazy.

But tonight, I can't make them quiet.  There's so much swarming around in there that I'm afraid that it's going to come out in one huge burst that I'm not going to be able to control.

I always try to be nice to people.  Family, past family, might be family, strangers, friends... I ALWAYS try to be nice.  I have a policy that if you've never done bad to me or mine there's no reason for me not to at least be nice.  This applied to my former in laws.  Most of them, I have no problem with.  At one time I may have but honestly I don't really have any more than the normal issues.  Everyone has them there's no need for me to expand on it.  Recently however, one of those former family members that I never had one issue with dealt me a rather personal blow.  They put my name in their mouth and did a whole lot of talking to someone that in turn did the right thing and came to talk to me about it.  My thing is, the person who talked about me had no place to do so.  The matter is resolved between myself and the person that came to me but the hurt that the person that talked about me caused isn't something I'm going to get over anytime soon.

I forgive because I am Christian and try hard to follow a Christian path but unlike the adage says to do, I rarely forget.  I hold on to it and while I don't let it fester, I do not let it die.  Ever.  This personal attack on me is in that category.  Forgiven because the person who did the hurting has absolutely no idea who they've now made an enemy of.  When they knew me, I was a meek and broken person who kept her eyes down and rarely fought back but now... Well the only thing I can say is I'm not that person anymore.  The person I am now tends to fight back with barrels loaded and steel boots on the ready.

And I know that this is something I should file away but the drawer refuses to close.  It keeps wedging itself open and sneaking to the forefront of my mind.  It keep bringing the question why?  Why would they say what they said?  Why would they tell only the half of the story? Why they would pretend that they were simply informing something of something they thought the person should know?

I want to write that person a letter and tell them that what they did was wrong and intolerable.  Actually I want to say it to their face but everytime I think of what I want to say, my Christian side goes screaming for the hills afraid of the street me that says words that would make a sailor blush.  So I'm waiting until I'm not so... pissed anymore but the more I wait, the more it festers and I'm totally sure that it is never going to not hurt so much I get pissed.

The other thing, well that one isn't so intense but at the same time it isn't any easier to deal with.  Bloggers, I went and did a stupid thing.  I regressed to high school and developed a crush on someone.  Stupid I know. Monumentally insane, I know. Horrendously ridiculous, I KNOW, but I can't stop it.  I don't even know how to make this one phase out.  I'm not his type I'm pretty sure.  I guess you might say as far as description, he's a little bit country and I'm a little bit Rock and roll. Or maybe it's the other way around I have no idea. But every time I think about him I get all jelly belly and weak kneed.  I get this ridiculous smile on my face and and I can't make it go away.

What is it about crushes that turn any person male or female back into a middle school kids giggling and wanting to pass a note that says "Do you like me check yes or no."?

Like I said.  So many things swirling and swarming that need to be said that want to be said but at the same time can't  be said.

Sometimes, just sometimes I kinda hate life.  I just do.  Not enough to say FML but just kinda hate it. Sigh...

Grrr.

Okay see, I have an issue with people waking me up when I don't want to be up.  I have two very inconvenient neighbors.  One is old and crotchety and likes to mow his law every effing Monday.  He also likes to make compost piles on my property and tell me that it's fine because it doesn't attract any vermin. (No Negro, it is NOT fine because I don't want it on my property.  AT ALL) Then I have the Mexican next to him.

You have to understand that before these people even moved in, they put up a fence.  A bad one.  These are the people that had the builders who parked their truck in my yard and told me they thought it was okay because they thought no one was home.  When they first moved in with their ever screaming toddlers and their two big dogs, you know everyone was curious   Curiosity led to annoyance when they did the three things that neighbors generally cannot stand.

One, they put the toddlers out in the backyard to play every day and the kids screamed.  Screamed loud, screamed crying, just screamed.  And they let them scream.  Yes I know toddlers are loud but it was like someone reached into these kids and added extra volume.  I wasn't the one that called the HOA on that.

The second thing they did, was let their two big dog crap in the backyard and they never seemed to clean it up.  I get that dog crap might be a fertilizer or something and that some people feel it's their back yard and their dog why not let them crap wherever, but here's the thing.  Besides the very disgusting fact that they left their kids out in the backyard to play with all the dog crap, the whole block (Including my cul de sac which sits to their backyard) smelled like a million dogs took one very large dump daily.  As soon as you walked out of your house the smell of dog crap just smacked you in the face.  It was awful.  I'm the one who called my section 8 person on that one.  She sent the community rep out here who got out of his car and everything I complained about hit his nose. (Seriously the meeting with him didn't even take five minutes.)  He called the HOA who sent someone out to them.  They pretended they didn't speak English so they had to come back with a translator and guess what they spoke perfect effing English that time.  I don't know all of what was said but the dog crap smell stopped and honestly I haven't smelled it since and it's been about a year.

His third offense is a little more personal.  The blinds in my oldest daughter's room broke a couple months ago but I didn't really do much about it because she has a dark curtain.  Well, I was up one day in her room and happened to look out of the window and there he was in his yard looking up... WITH BINOCULARS!!!  He saw me looking and pretended to be bird watching.  I've called the cops but he claimed it wasn't him and they gave him a warning.  I gave him one too.  Let me catch you one more time and your wife will need tthe cops to make me tell them where I hid your body.

So today, some bright dumbass decided seven thirty was an EXCELLENT time to start cutting on the rest of the trees in the yard. (The previous owner had established his property with a serious of small trees.  These people had most of them cut down to make way for the fence.  Some were left) So he was using a chainsaw to bring it down.  I thought it was a weed whacker and it was the crotchety guy but no.  It was Seňor Dumbass and a chainsaw...

I can't wait to move.

I cannot wait to move.

Writing

I don't know why but the last few weeks has been an experiment in controlling my bi-polar rampages.

Those of you that know me personally know that I tend to flit from one activity to the other without much warning.  One day I'm crazy about one thing and the following week it's something so totally polar opposite.

It started with me sitting outside and looking at the houses in my neighborhood. It kicked off a desire to play the sims and build houses.  I built a kick ass neighborhood and ignored everything else for about a week and then Chefville came out with a quest and I got stuck on that.  Then farmville got interesting for about a day and then I went back to Chefville.  Then I found Sailor moon on YouTube and that took up my nights.

So now I'm stuck on writing.  Not sure how long it's going to last, but I'm going to take advantage of it as writing is the one thing I do love to do most.

So there's the best update I can give you.

Ta!

At what point do you need an intervention??

So okay, we ALL have those friends that step into and out of relationships like they do fresh underwear.  Admit it, we ALL do.  It's annoying at times but generally, unless you are somehow in the middle of it all, you don't really pay it that much attention, right?

But what do you do about that one person that step in and out of MARRIAGES like they do fresh underwear??

I have two of them actually.  Seriously.  Two.  And they are totally unrelated I think the only link between the two of them is me...  They don't know each other, don't even know the other walks the planet.  But they are so damn similar that could be related.

They are both God fearing, and by that, I mean at least five times a day I am subjected to a sermon in one form or another should I chose to click the link or actually read the post.  When both of them post something personal on Facebook neither of them include ANY actual incriminating names or information.  And collectively  they have been married about 10 times.

You think I'm joking, but I am so deadly serious I could be a heart attack.

They both go through the following phases via Facebook:

1. The posts that lets you know that the marriage they are in is crumbling. I.E. "Times may be hard and the bed may be cold but God is going to see me through this.  I know he will."

2. The post that let's you know that God couldn't fix this one. "God give you no more than you can handle, So in this I must be strong and go where he leads."

3. The post that tells you that it's over, finished, done and they are moving on. "Well, god has directed my steps away from this house.  Where his winds blow me, I shall go and land in his ever loving arms."

This is followed by the Relationship status notification "XXX has changed their relationship status from "Married" to "Single"

(And no, I am not making these posts up.  I am not being sacrilegious.   These are ACTUAL QUOTES...)

4. The post that tell you they are ready for the next chapter in their lives. "God has lit my path and I shall follow it."

5. The post that clues you in that they have indeed found another one. "So happy in my life.  I knew that I would be fulfilled if I just trusted in HIS word." (To almost anyone I know BUT these two ladies, this would mean they've done something monumental like gotten a degree or a new job or found spiritual enlightenment   Not these two...)

6. And then the actual typed posts stop for a moment only to be replaced by massive shares from wedding sites.  Rings, Cakes, gowns, shoes.  You name it, they share a picture of it so long as it pertains to weddings.

At this point there is never an official engagement announcement or Relationship status update from "Single" to "In a relationship" or "Engaged"  but deep down, you KNOW it's coming.

7. And then all of the sudden, out of the blue (Although really, it's not b/c you were expecting it, their Relationship status  changes to "Married"  Sometimes with a name link, sometimes without.

8. And then virtual silence for about a month.  If it's a good one, then give it about three or four months. And then they go back to step one.  They may word it differently this time but it's still step one.

So my question is...

At what point do you decide that you either need to say something or just cut them from your Facebook?  If you cut them, they will eventually want to know why and you are back to the tell them but if you tell them that you are sensing a serious cycle of self degradation or at worse a horrible cycle of what may actually be lying.  (At a few points I have honestly believed that one to four of the marriage proclamations have been false...) then you have lost a friend that at times has actually been an okay friend.

I'm not sure if I do something or just keep a running tally of how many marriages they go through...

And the sad part is believe it or not, they meet and marry men like they are speed dating and I can't even get a date, AND I'M JEALOUS!!! I have NO CLUE exactly why I am but I am jealous of them.

Considering one of said friends is at step 6, I know step 7 is coming.  I can only hope for her sake, step 8 doesn't happen this time...

No more.

I don't consider myself better than anyone.

I don't consider myself worse.

I have my ups.

I have my downs.

But there is something you need to consider.

I am a true friend.  I will never tell you that I can't listen to you.  I will never tell you that I have to go.  I will NEVER call you and tell you my problems and not listen to yours.

So why is it, that you feel that it is absolutely NO PROBLEM to call me and unload your problems onto me and then suddenly have to go when you are finished?

In what world is that fair?  In what world is it in any way right for you to call me and tell me about the worst moments of your life but never ever once to ask if I'm okay???

You have someone there somewhere that can wrap you in their arms and make your bad day go away for even a few minutes.  But me, I have no one that will do that for me.  And because you thought it was peachy to unload your problems on me, I am now having a doubly bad day.

But you wouldn't know that.

Because you had to go.

And you won't talk to me again until you have some more crap you need to unload.

In what world, what reality do you live in?  It seems like a crappy place if the cardinal rule is thou shall make thy friend feel like crap for no other reason than misery loves company.

Enough.  No more.  I'm done.

I never tell anyone I can't talk to them.

I never tell anyone I don't want to hear it.

I am a true friend.

But this true friend is drawing her line.

So if you get my voicemail from time to time but not a call back, this is your notice.

I will always be a true friend but I'm choosing not to be your dumping ground.

Not anymore.

So frustrated

...I can't even begin to describe how frustrated I am right now.

I want to go and scream and cry and punch things right now.

This is why I don't trust men.  You let them get close to you and even think that you can be friends with them and they always, always, ALWAYS managed to hit the flush button and let everything go down the shitter.

So, I guess I need to take a step back from my anger and frustration to explain to the absolute zero people that read this why I am so pissed off.

My ex, Randy, told the girls that instead of bringing them out for Christmas in New Mexico, he was coming out here and he was bringing my son Jovaughn.  Well the girls got excited, I got excited, and after six months of not seeing the boy and rarely hearing from him, my mother got excited.  The girls told mostly all of Charlotte that their daddy and their brother were coming here for Christmas.  My mother told the church and that probably spread it to the rest of Charlotte.

so a lot of people are excited that if nothing else, Jovaughn is coming.

I hate when I get texts from my ex asking if I'm at home.  That never means good news.  And when I got that text this afternoon, I was sure he was just calling me with travel details but he wasn't.

He was calling to tell me he might not make it here because he is trying to book his flight and all he can find is going to cost him almost a grand to get he and my son out here.  Instead he proposes that he take the boy out of school for a couple of days for his other son's birthday and take a few days out here.  By spend a few days out here, I mean that he'll spend a couple days with the boy and then come down here on a school day, bother me for a few hours and then when the kids get out of school, he'll spend a few hours with them and fly out that night.

I don't know how my mother did it all those years, have to explain to me that I wasn't going to get to see my dad and not do it with tears in her eyes or streaming down her face because she was so frustrated.  I mean she didn't have to do it very long but that's probably because I grew up and got a little desensitized as children are wont to do.  Just... still...

I must confess there has been a pause here.  I started typing this blog at about 3:30 and it's now 6:10.

He called back and caught me at a very unladylike moment at day.  I'm sorry to say that all of the things that had been running at top speed through my mind bumrushed the roadblock and fell out of my mouth.  The cusses and the curses on his immortal soul were nice enough to hang back to eye the destruction.  And having said nothing that I would need to go to church and confess even though I'm not Catholic, I was able to tell him that if I didn't hang up we would both regret the conversation so that was it, I was done, and he could call the girls and tell them himself.

He still has yet to call and tell them that he's not coming.  Of course he hasn't swung the official hammer on that, but I know it's coming.  It has to be coming.  Trust me, when one shoe flies across the room because of him, the other one is usually not very far behind so if you're gonna duck, better stay down.

So even though it's ebbed and abated, that's my anger and frustration.

As I've ended a great many of my blogs...

Le Sigh....