I rarely blog. I used to alot when I had way too much on my mind but lately I haven't had to blog because I'm able to clear my mind or at least make it so the thoughts that keep swarming around stay quiet so as not to drive me crazy.
But tonight, I can't make them quiet. There's so much swarming around in there that I'm afraid that it's going to come out in one huge burst that I'm not going to be able to control.
I always try to be nice to people. Family, past family, might be family, strangers, friends... I ALWAYS try to be nice. I have a policy that if you've never done bad to me or mine there's no reason for me not to at least be nice. This applied to my former in laws. Most of them, I have no problem with. At one time I may have but honestly I don't really have any more than the normal issues. Everyone has them there's no need for me to expand on it. Recently however, one of those former family members that I never had one issue with dealt me a rather personal blow. They put my name in their mouth and did a whole lot of talking to someone that in turn did the right thing and came to talk to me about it. My thing is, the person who talked about me had no place to do so. The matter is resolved between myself and the person that came to me but the hurt that the person that talked about me caused isn't something I'm going to get over anytime soon.
I forgive because I am Christian and try hard to follow a Christian path but unlike the adage says to do, I rarely forget. I hold on to it and while I don't let it fester, I do not let it die. Ever. This personal attack on me is in that category. Forgiven because the person who did the hurting has absolutely no idea who they've now made an enemy of. When they knew me, I was a meek and broken person who kept her eyes down and rarely fought back but now... Well the only thing I can say is I'm not that person anymore. The person I am now tends to fight back with barrels loaded and steel boots on the ready.
And I know that this is something I should file away but the drawer refuses to close. It keeps wedging itself open and sneaking to the forefront of my mind. It keep bringing the question why? Why would they say what they said? Why would they tell only the half of the story? Why they would pretend that they were simply informing something of something they thought the person should know?
I want to write that person a letter and tell them that what they did was wrong and intolerable. Actually I want to say it to their face but everytime I think of what I want to say, my Christian side goes screaming for the hills afraid of the street me that says words that would make a sailor blush. So I'm waiting until I'm not so... pissed anymore but the more I wait, the more it festers and I'm totally sure that it is never going to not hurt so much I get pissed.
The other thing, well that one isn't so intense but at the same time it isn't any easier to deal with. Bloggers, I went and did a stupid thing. I regressed to high school and developed a crush on someone. Stupid I know. Monumentally insane, I know. Horrendously ridiculous, I KNOW, but I can't stop it. I don't even know how to make this one phase out. I'm not his type I'm pretty sure. I guess you might say as far as description, he's a little bit country and I'm a little bit Rock and roll. Or maybe it's the other way around I have no idea. But every time I think about him I get all jelly belly and weak kneed. I get this ridiculous smile on my face and and I can't make it go away.
What is it about crushes that turn any person male or female back into a middle school kids giggling and wanting to pass a note that says "Do you like me check yes or no."?
Like I said. So many things swirling and swarming that need to be said that want to be said but at the same time can't be said.
Sometimes, just sometimes I kinda hate life. I just do. Not enough to say FML but just kinda hate it. Sigh...
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