Thunderstorms...

As the lightning lights up the sky here I'm thinking about the thunderstorms in my life.
So I bogged about the "friend" on my Facebook that basically too my bad mood and turned it into his.  I'm not talking to that person.  I was going to just let it all blow over, but this afternoon, I had to explain to my mom about the comment he put on my timeline that I deleted.
Apparently I wasn't fast enough when I deleted his demand that I talk to him.
Yeah... I try to keep my Facebook happenings as far away from my mom as I can keep them.  Yes she's my mom but I am also an adult who sometimes has a burst of foul language or off color humor.  Things I don't need my mother to see.  So she had no idea that I was being silent, that basically I wasn't in the best of moods (what can I say to that?  She's a little part of the problems in my life, so I naturally don't bring it up in conversation), or that I had had what could be called a mini confrontation.
Gee thanks.  Exactly how I wanted to spend the ride home from the gym.
So I'm thinking that this qualifies as one of those no no's that qualify me to be fully justified in doing a delete maneuver.
I hate Facebook deleted.  More importantly, I hate how Facebook deleted are like breaking off a relationship.  Being deleted on someone's Facebook has become the equivalent of a dear john letter only harsher.  One day you are there and the next day, you can't see a Damn thing because you been deleted.
I feel like that small woman that used to say, "You ARE the weakest link.  Goodbye!"
Gah! Part of me just wants him to delete me. 
Can someone please give me the manual on how not to piss your friends off cause I can't even seem to sit still in my own misery and not piss them off.

Almost a bad night...

So I guess it was to be expected sooner or later.  Once again I wasn't allowed to have a bad mood all to my little old self.  One of my people on Facebook basically cornered me into sort of talking to him.

When I made it clear that I didn't feel like talking at all he turned it around on him and made me the bad guy.

I mean dude! What the fuck?  I'm having a mental crisis over here in my tiny corner of the world but because I didn't tell you that I'm proud of you and congrats on something you did, I'm the big bitch.

Hang on, had to add Bitch to my phone's dictionary... Thought I added that when I added fuck...

So I finally said that I was ending the conversation before it got out of control.  Those actual words.  I didn't want to go off and say what I was really thinking which come on, was really along the lines of, "Fuck you! How dare you try to make me feel worse than I already do!  What the fuck is wrong with you? That's like spraying butter spray on the ledge when I've already got loose footing."

But I didn't say that, I said end it before it gets out of control.

And I intended to leave it there.

So of course two minutes later I'm looking at my newsfeed and see the following post:

"Gotta love how a good day goes to shit all because of one person."

Are you fucking kidding me right now?!? Are you goddam serious?!?  Wait lemme review that conversation... Nope I told you at least six times I did not want to talk and you kept pressing me and when I STILL refused to tell you what was going on you tried very hard to turn it so that the pity party was honouring you.

Wow.  Thank you for being such an awesome friend.   Thank you for putting me on blast to your whole newsfeed.  Maybe you forgot but I used to play the game of inquiring about those vague posts only to find out who hurt you via text.  So the.three people who responded probably now think I'm a bitch cause I'm so pretty sure the whole story wasn't told.

Wait... That kinda went from me telling about my night to ranting at one person didn't it?? Sorry about that.  I never actually mean for that to happen... It just does.

So I coped last night by making myself a drink and watching HIMYM on netflix.  I refuse to let one person bring me to the point of a sniveling apology and begging for their friendship because they decided they were more important.

To tell you the truth, I was a very good girl last night because when I saw his post, my first inclination was to delete him from my Facebook, but I didn't.

I'm having a problem with the delete button these days.  I want so badly to hit it but I don't.  I usually regret it later but I still don't do it when I should.

Know what? I'm going back to bed.  It's a cold morning and I really don't like those.

Have a good day, bloggies!!

Yeah so...

I straightened the girls hair.  Didn't do the braids but I did curl Kayla's so that she has something for me to work with in the morning.  I spent basically all afternoon chopping and slicing chicken breasts because I made the spaghetti with the chicken pieces in it and then I also made Chicken fried rice.  As usual, two batches.  One that Olivia will eat because it has no bean sprouts and no egg and one that pretty much everyone else will eat because it has the bean sprouts and the egg and sorta makes a fuller meal.

The neighbor kids left around seven my kids ate soon after.

I'm slowly coming up from my funk.  I had a conversation with someone today that may have cast a new light on some things and then may not have.  It may just be me getting sucked in again.  I don't know and at the moment with honestly, a half a glass of vodka in me, I don't care.

Still don't feel like posting on Facebook.  Every now and then someone drops me an email about they are sorry.  It's touching.  Not needed at all, but touching.  I just want to be by myself.  Why is that so hard for people to understand right now?  You know what?  I know a couple of people that read my blog that prefer to remain anonymous and they are basically sitting reading making sure I haven't offed myself and might probably say something when I decide to break my silence.

Just a thought, Yes, I did post an update about my friends daughter.  This, I don't think, counts as breaking my self imposed silence.  My church is praying for her and they take the updates from my page for bible study and prayer so since I'm not saying anything, just copy and pasting, I don 't count that as talking.

Hmm time to take my melatonin and go to bed.  I think I'll finish this episode of HIMYM while it takes affect...

Good night.  TTY tomorrow!

So today, Jan. 16, 2012

Okay, I admit it, I had every intention of being a lazy sloth like creature today.  Except for the fact that I was supposed to go with my mother to the YMCA this afternoon at one, I had absolutely NO PLANS to do anything for anyone except maybe straight comb my daughters hair and maybe throw a few braids in it. 

And the best laid plans of mice and men...  All that...

At eleven o'clock I was admittedly still in bed acting for all the world like since my kids are of an age where they can kinda cook for themselves and take care of themselves there was no real reason to emerge before I had to.  The girl from next door rang the bell and told my kids to tell me that since something happened when she left them over there by themselves last week, they were to come to me and ask could they come over today while she was at work.

You know what?  I'm not even mad.  At any of it.  They're good kids and this isn't the first or even the third time that she has gone off to work at six am and told the kids to come over here without really asking me.  So nope, not even irked by this.

Then I realized Oops, I was going to take the kids with mommy and I when we went to the YMCA today and I figured, let me do some research and call them and ask exactly how many people we can bring on our membership.  My kids are all covered b/c we have the family membership but then I wanted to make sure that the neighbor kids could come in with us.  It would in actuality only be two visitors so probably no problem.  But there was a problem.  Today is in all actuality a holiday and I live in a predominately black area.  But thankfully, this dawned on me BEFORE I left my house this time and I began calling them only to find out that they are closed.

Whew, that would have been a total waste of gas and five kids in a car riding to and from my mom and the Y... I think not.

So called my mom, no Y.  She's okay with this.  So long as I bring her the car this afternoon.

So today I am going to chop the ish out of the chicken breasts because I am making the weeks meals today.  We are having Chicken Spaghetti tonight and maybe tomorrow and then I am also making Chicken fried rice.  It's been awhile since I have gotten to use my wok and I try to use my kitchen shineys on a rotating basis which means I should make a loaf of bread soon.  I have used the toaster over recently and I have used the rotisserie.  I think.  That may be next on the rotating list of kitchen shineys to use.  Oh and yes, I know that Shineys isn't actually a word but in my world it is and this blog resides in my world so hah!  I get a new word!

Isn't reading my blog fun?  You get subject to to new idiocy on a daily.  Well daily only if you come back every day.  I don't actually blog every day.  I want to but I don't.  I'm bad like that.

Although with my Facebook silence on right now, I guess I could say I blog daily.  I have to get the thoughts out of my head some way and blogging is good. 

I am trying hard to keep up my Facebook silence.  It seems that the second I decide to take a break from it, that's when people want to start posting interesting shit there.

But I am going to stay strong.  I have to conquer the beast.  I don't exactly know what the beast is but oh well.

As for Facebook in general, I just feel as vastly unwanted there as I do in real life.  I just don't feel like it anymore to be honest. 

I totally forgot what this blog was about.... Oh yeah, my day.  Well seeing as my day isn't done ye, I will probably be back later.  Toodles all!!

Last thought, I misspelled Toodles and it suggested Boodles.  Really??  Toodles isn't in the dictionary but Boodles is?!?!?  Wow....

Ignorance

So wow.  I point out that people have been ignoring me and people start to text message and whatnot all night.  I am basically ignoring.  I am not ignoring everyone to be mean, but ya'll need to understand I don't feel like talking right now.

It's funny though.  I wanted to talk to people when no one could spare me a minute and now that my time is only for me  and mine, people want to sweep in and claim it for themselves.

Nope, sorry.  My time has only a few names on it and I don't see yours.

And again I'm not saying anything to be mean. I just need you all to understand...

And if you don't read my blog and are still blowing up my phone, then we are going to have issues because you are going to think I'm ignoring you specifically.

So I'm sitting here in Children's church and just thinking about stuff and whatever.  Church has the power to make me think about stuff...

Ups, time to go.  Maybe I'll blog later..

Breakdown... hissy fit... call it whatever you want...

...But I can't do it anymore...

Everyone keeps saying to ask for help when I need it.  First I had to cover with everyone that I DON"T KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR BLOODY HELP and then I had to learn.  And I did.  I said it online in every way I could think of.  I texted people and you know what.  True to form.  Most of the people that I tried to reach out to, had issues of their own going on.  That's fine.  I get that you all have lives but don't lay your problems on me if you can't bother to be there when I need help.

And is this going out to anyone specific?  No not really.  It's a breakdown.  Breakdowns aren't centered on one person.  Except the person having the breakdown.  And right now, that's me.  I'm having the breakdown.

My hair is falling out because I'm so goddamn stressed.  I can't comb my damn hair without loosing a good clump.  I wash it, it falls out.  I oil it, it falls out.  I comb it, it falls out.  Hell I think to damn hard and the shit falls out.

At the moment I have a fair few issues going on.

One.  I just had the disturbing realization that I am nothing but a worthless piece of ass to someone that I was stupid enough to fall for.  How did I come to that conclusion?  Let me enlighten you.  One.  He only texts when I have no kids.  Two That's if I text him first.  And even then, it might take him a day or three or say a WEEK to respond.  Two, when I do see him there might be a little playful banter but otherwise, pretty much sex.  Yeah that was awesome the first few times but this last time.  The short of that visit left me looking for the wad of twenties on the nightstand.

So I have made the conscious decision to try very very hard to wipe that from my life.  I am so not successful.  At all but whatever.  That will probably require an intervention.

Oh and then there's the fact that I am so fucking tired of looking at these four walls I am quite literally going insane.  I think I might actually take the ex up on his demand that I move.  I need to get on the bus line so that I can get a job even if it's at a damn KFC.  I can't stay in this house anymore.

I can't even go to the movies.  I try to go by myself but at the last minute as usual, something my kids need the money for always always ALWAYS crops up.  Never freaking fails.  Oh and that's IF i can get the car.  And this is no mean feat.  Let me explain how this happens.  I have to sneak around like I'm doing something wrong.  If I want to go to the movies, it has to be on a night that I have my moms car and she doesn't know I'm doing something with it than letting it sit in my driveway.  If I want to just go see a movie and say that outright then I have to listen to a lecture on how it's a waste of gas or I really should be conserving my money or it's just not convenient.

And I get it, Gas is high and in reality it's her car.  But  Then I get told that I need to do things for myself.  I need a life.

How the hell can I have a life when life seems so damn intent on passing me by???  Life seems like it does better without me in it.

And wanna know the most fucked up part?  I KNOW that I need to seek counseling I know that I need to probably be back on my depression meds but ask me if I can get tot he counseling place.  Nope.  Y?  Because it's a car ride away.  That would trigger another lecture on how drugs won't solve anything, I just need to stop exaggerating.

Will it be exaggerating when I take so many sleeping pills to dull the voices that I don't wake up?  Is it going to be exaggerating when I walk out into traffic on the truck road by my house?  Probably.  But then probably not cause then people will look up and say "Oh shit, I had no clue!  Why didn't she say something??"

But I did and no one listened.

They say that leaving Facebook is like running away from home.  Well so yeah.  Okay. That's what I'm doing.  I'm having a temper tantrum and I'm running away.  I need time to figure out exactly how to stem this stress I have on my back before I drown and take my kids down with me.  They would be better off with their father than being dragged down by me at the moment. 

I will blog as it's the only way to get my mind to work in some sort of order right now, but I won't be posting it on facebook or tweeting on facebook.  Tweeting will be rare.  I just don't feel like being around other humans right now.

If I can't talk to the people I need to, I just will talk to myself.  I'm never the best company I can offer but hey.  Maybe I'll learn to coach myself to human again.

Hears to trying.

One of those Good Blogs

You know the ones where I'm not upset or lashing out at anyone and not in a bad mood...

Oh don't make that face... They are NOT that rare...

Okay they are...

So I have been having a really really awesome day and you know what? I have no real reason for it being awesome other than it was.

I woke up, I got the kids off to school and then because it was raining I snuggled back down inside my bed and slept some more.  I seriously love my bed and listening to the rain outside while I was snuggled deep inside my millions of covers just made my morning...

Seriously, it was nearly afternoon when I finally convinced myself that life outside of my bed was needed.

So I cued up some How I met You Mother on Netflix.  I have made it to the third season.  I don't actually know what season the actual show is in on regular television but I am on season three on my netflix.  I can't understand why I wasn't watching the show before.  I guess I should always give shows a chance before deciding that they are stupid as hel.  It's like judging a book by it's cover...

But here's the thing, I do judge books by their covers.  Seriously, I'm the person that can look at a romance novel and tell you based on the cover if it is one that I would spend my time on.  Nine times out of ten I am correct in my assumption that it worth my time.  There is that one small time that I am wrong but it's like alcohol you have to do it.  You can't just give up.  With alcohol they call it alcohol abuse if you spill it.  Stopping a book because it simply isn't drawing you in is literary abuse.  It just cannot happen.  And I have read some real whoppers.

Anyway back to subject.  I was never a NPH fan but damn the man can act.  I love the whole cast, I love the show.  I also like the big bang theory.  No, strike that.  I love that show.  Totally misjudged it until I watched it at Patty's house.  Took me three shows before I was humming the song relentlessly.  Love Sheldon.  He;s my favorite.  I could do so many many things to that man...  I'm thinking that may have been TMI but oh well... It's out there now.  I think I would enjoy coitus with him.... hehe I said Coitus! 

And then I played Rock band.  And I freaking rocked.  I love that game.  Trying very hard to get Rock band three but so far have not been successful.  Then again I haven't actually made a real college effort so I can't really be upset that I don't have it in my hot little hands right now.  Life is life and when I get around to getting it I will have it.

That so doesn't sound like me, does it?  I know I know, you are probably sitting there wondering who did what to my body and where they bury the real me.

Hehe I'm just in a good mood.

I even played rock band with the boy when he came home and then they girls and the next door neighbor kids played band hero and they had a good time and then they got the boy to play the dance game that Olivia got with her Christmas money and good lord... The songs... I fear for the future...

So they are going to bed in a little bit and I am going to play some rock band.

 I was told by a certain someone that I needed to practice the dancing Game that Kayla got with her money because a rematch was on the horizon.  I doubt it is because well I don't see that someone when I have kids which makes for very sporadic meetings (I think they scared them) but never the less tomorrow's plan for a better day is to practice that game until I can at least claim some of the rhythm that black people are famous for.  Cause lemme tell ya, I have none of it.  None at all.

So okay.  I have documented my really good mood and I must say I have done it at warp freaking speed too.  My typing skills have improved by leaps and bounds and I haven't even been practicing!  I don't know.  My computer wasn't even on for like a week until yesterday and I got on to check something.  Oh wait no I turned it on to add music that I can't listen to because my sound is trashed and to make a CD that took me three tries but I got the music added and the CD was eventually made.  I have fie minutes before I have to say goodnight to the kids so I'm gonna hop off here and be mommy! 

Good night all!! Have awesome dreams!!

I <3 ya!!

Beyoncè should be ashamed of herself...

You know I've said it couple times on Facebook but I'm gonna outright say it now...

Beyoncè just lost my respect as a person.  It's a baby. Women have them every day and at times more at one time than you have hit songs concurrently.  There is no need to act like just because you are a new mom you have to be the hospital diva and your baby is more important than everyone else.

I am so glad that I'm not in that hospital as a mom cause lemme tell you honey... I wouldn't care if you were the blessed virgin bringing in the second coming, you stop me from seeing my baby and your loved ones would he walking around wearing all black and singing sad songs.

Woman don't you know you don't come between a parent and their child??

The sad part is she probably doesn't even care that she just opened herself up to a whole bunch of lawsuits over this.  Why would you cover security cams?  No one wants to see a baby crawl out of your va-jay-jay...Trust me... Anyone that would put that video out has way more problems than you can fix with a lawsuit or a breakdown by your ugly ass husband!!

And while I'm on my rant, Blue Ivy??? What the hell is wrong with stars today??  Ya'll are personally making it so that when your kids are grown up, us normal people are going to look like freaks and outcasts because we name our kids Nathan, Sarah, and Courtney.  Can you imagine our history books in years to come?  Here's a preview...

President Apple Paltrow- thanks for that one Gwen Paltrow
Senior Vice President Blue Ivy Carter- wtg Beyoncè and Jay-z.
Secretary of State Knox Pitt-Jolie- awesome Bradjelina

Did you ever see Baby Mama with Tina Fey?? There was a bit near the middle where a woman called her kids and their names were Wingspan and something else.  The blond.one said those kids would he so beaten up if they had been in school with her.

Stars today are making it so that people who can't afford to have their kids surrounded by security 24/7 to protect them from bullies are now the freaks with the stupid named kids.

I pity this world.  I really do.  We have such creativity but its wasted.  Simply wasted.

On that note I'm going to lay down...

Happy new years my ass...

Wow, can I have a few good days in a row?  Please?


When my kids are here I want them to go away.  When they go away, I want them back.  Does that mean something is wrong with me?

So before my kids left my son poured water down the stairs and left it there to see what happened because he was bored, right? Well despite the ex's promise that he was going to pay for his actions this past week at his house, the boy didn't.  At all...

He even got in more trouble while he was there... BUt whatever.

They got home and first of all The first words out of the Ex's mouth were "We need to talk... there's some things you need to do."

I'm a normal divorced woman... So of course my response was that I wasn't married to him anymore and didn't have to take orders...

But of course he plowed on anyways...

And dude!  He opened with the completely WRONG thing to say...

"So your mother and I discussed it and we both agree..."

What they agreed on was that I needed to move closer to the bus line but the fact that he discussed this with my mother first!!!

 There was some filler in the middle of this and his next declaration but honestly, I was seeing red and hearing this odd buzzing noise that kinda sounded like an old air raid siren...

Course it did absolutely no good when the siren stopped long enough to hear him say that he was going to give money in the middle of the month that was not to be spent on bills, it was to buy me a new outfit and or get my hair done because I look old broke and busted...worse than I ever looked when we were married.  The air raid siren started up again and I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying the words that pushed their way through the word traffic jam in my head to my lips...

Excuse me?!?  I look broke and busted???

Well I am broke but I certainly wasn't busted.  And FYI I look WAY better now than I did when I was married to him.  Point number one my wieght loss is not because I'm too depressed to eat it's because I'm too okay to eat just anything.  My hair isn't falling out in clumps and I don't walk around looking like an empty shell body waiting to fall in a hole in the ground and sleep forever.

The siren continued and ebbed and silenced and there was a conversation there.  I managed to turn ninety percent of what he wanted into something he didn't want because it would probably detriment me and make life for everyone very bad.  I conceded a point or two and then we went to the store for cleaning supplies because he magically got the kids to clean their effing bathrooms.  I cuss and beg and plead and do everything but bribe them and they don't do ish but he barks and they jumped (Did I mention that sometimes I hate being a woman) and as per my usualy when I have to leave the kids in the house, I set the alarm for stay meaning they can move around the house but not open any doors.

Of course they opened a door.  And set off the alarm.

They used the house phone to call Randy's phone because I had left mine in the house and I gave them the code even though we were right around the corner.  When we pulled in the sitter from next door who watches the kids at night was over with my kids as the alarm had been going off for over fifteen minutes.  To which I calmly replied that the cops would be there soon.  The boy, the ex, and the sitter all said probably not.

About two minutes later, the cops showed up.

Relax this is actually a good thing.  I have my alarm set with the company so that if my alarm goes off and they can't get in touch with me, they are to call CMPD.  I forgot to change my phone number with my alarm company so they couldn't call me.  They did right.  The cops were even really nice about it.  I showed my id to prove it was my house.  The alarm company had given them my safe word which they asked for from me and then they were on their way.

It really wasn't as bad as the status made it seem.  But I did need one of my breaks.  And I did abstain from having a drink.

I learned a very important lesson about drinking last week.  I don't think I'll be even having a little one when I'm alone anymore...

Oh well...

Hehe You're going to laugh at me but...

Okay so you know... and you all SHOULD know by now that my birthday is September 16th.  Not a cusp baby but close enough to Libra that I can see it very clearly.  Nevertheless, I am a Virgo.

First off the general description for Virgos is bossy, neat freak.  Seriously... Those of you that know me... really??? Am I bossy?  Am I neat freak?  No.

Most days if I bother to look up my horoscope Libra actually pins me better than the Virgo.  It really does.  Not to say that some days Virgo doesn't peg me on every part than can be pegged.  It's something I've actually learned to live with the fact that the the stars overshadow the earth and my dute date is where my horoscope is the safest.

Don't get me wrong, like I said, sometimes Virgo is the actual horoscope that works for me.

But you know what always knocks me for a loops and I can't hang on and smile because I'm pulled in two directions?  That would be when , the exceptionally rare moments, when my due date and my birthdate come together and BOTH horoscopes can describe me.

Today is one of those days.

Here is LIbra's horoscope for 12-31-11:

It's annoying if someone makes a promise and then doesn't follow through by delivering the goods. It's not as if you coerced anyone into doing something for you; chances are others just arrive out of the blue and offer to help. Nevertheless, it's never a good idea to become overly dependent on anyone else. Even if you are left in the lurch, just get on with your original plans without wasting time playing the blame game.

I can' describe how this applies to me but it does...  Here's Virgo for the same day...:

All of your relationships could seem complicated these days and you might choose to avoid interpersonal entanglements as much as you can. Sharing your feelings may not sound safe now, but the emotional roller coaster should start to smooth out in the next day or so. Meanwhile, you may be more dependent on others than you are willing to admit. Acknowledge your desires without making anyone else responsible for your satisfaction. Your radical honesty could defuse a tricky situation.

Seriously??  Both of them talking about how I'm dependant on other?  My relationships being complicated??  People arriving out of the blue...

Very funny cosmos...  I like a good joke but can we go back to the days when it's one or the other?


ROFL!!! I think I might just be cosmically screwed but here's how I am choosing to look at it:


...at least I'm getting screwed!! 

ROFL!!


Happy New Year Bloggers!!!!