Dear him...

I am happy to report that I no longer think about you from day to day.  You might cross my mind about every other week and even then only in passing.  I can actually drive past your house and don't glance over at your windows and wonder if you are sitting there.

I watched Robin Hood Prince of Thieves the other day.  I haven't been able to do that since last September.  Everytime I tried, I remembered you kissing me up my wrist and the events that happened afterward.  That doesn't happen anymore.  I got to watch and enjoy the movie for the first time in almost a year since you left me.

I went to the mall the other day and you know what?  I parked in the same parking lot where you first kissed me.  It has been a solid year this week since I have been able to even walk in that parking lot without remembering or tearing up because I remember that first kiss.  The first kiss that had me walking on cloud nine for weeks.  It might seem like a small accomplishment and really nothing at all to anyone else, but I parked there.  And I went into the mall and didn't think about you once.

I enjoy baking again.  I don't think about how you liked my brownies or how your roommate liked them and my cookies.  I don't have thoughts that maybe I should swing by your house and leave some wrapped in in your mailbox just to let you know that someone is still thinking about you.

Because I don't.  I don't think about you very often and for that I am glad.

The huge gigantic hole that you left in my already bruised heart isn't quite so big anymore.  I might be able to give it to someone some day and give it to them only slightly bruised but with no hole.

I don't have to look at the floor the few times I think of you because thinking about you makes me cry.

Since you left, I have cried more than I have in years.

I never knew why I cried.  Even after you left.  I still don't know why, but I don't cry.

I can work Friday and Saturday nights until closing and enjoy myself while I'm there because I'm not waiting to get out of there and go hang out in the parking lot talking with you or kissing you.  I'm doing my job and enjoying almost every minute of it with the knowledge that there's nothing in the parking lot that I'm running for.

Parking lots at night are no longer my silent cold enemy.  A parking lot is simply that.  A parking lot.

I don't want you to think I am being cruel because that is not my intention.  I actually want to say thank you.

You kissed me.  You held me.  You actually lifted me off the ground. You talked to me about things you didn't talk to anyone else about.

For those brief few months.  I didn't feel awkward at kissing or scared to death that I wasn't doing it right.  I didn't feel fat because you could lift me in the air without groaning.  You made me feel every bit like a tiny teenager.  When you wrapped your arms around me, I felt wanted.  You taught me how to make out in the backseat of a car.  You made me feel special.

For those brief few months, you made me feel like I meant something.  So I thank you for the time.  I thank you for the experience.  I thank you.

But that's where it ends.

Maybe one day we might be friends again and who knows maybe one day you might be the one to evoke that special feeling in me again.  I doubt it but who knows what fates plan is?  If we end up as friends I am happy to call you such.  If not, I'll be okay.

Thank you.

And goodbye.