I have to be honest, I didn't start the day on a happy foot and that is a horrible horrible way to start any day. A co-worker and i played hopscotch with BOTH of our schedules so that I could have today off so that IF he wanted to hang out today and maybe have that second date that we've been trying to have. But I got up this morning and I knew deep down that it wasn't going to happen and I was looking at a day of piddling around my house doing what I always do when I'm in my house crap and crap, and probably laundry. Good news! I got two of the three loads of my clothes done! Yay me!
But whatever, I knew today was going to be a basic crap because last night I said to him to call me when he got off to let me know about today and he didn't. It actually told me more than I actually wanted to know. This isn't the first time that I haven't hit his radar to contact. But I marked it off to we've only had one date and a few kisses so if he doesn't think to contact me so what? It's no big deal but here's the thing. I actually went through our text stream this afternoon and I realized that I have started 95% of our conversations. Not him. To me, that says that I think about him way more than he thinks about me and sometimes that's just the way girls are, they think about the guy more than he thinks about them but something about that says no, there's something wrong here.
There's also the fact that right now he's having issues regarding family. There's another place where our families differ. ATM he's helping out a family member who's having a not so nice time. That is all I will say about that but in my family, the help and the time would be greatly appreciated but let the family member any of us are helping find out that we are putting a date or a potential social life upswing on hold for them and the first thing out of their mouths will be, "Please, go have your good time I'll still be here when you get done. Go get yours!" But that's the way we are. I have long since thought that my family was progressive. Or unique... or just plain weird. Yeah, let's just go with weird but the point is if I were sitting commiserating with a family member it would neither be appreciated or expected that I put my life on hold so that they can monopolize my time. And if say, the issue did require me to be there in person 24/7 the person with the problem would look up long enough to say "Didn't you have someone you needed to call?"
I don't know his family. I don't know their dynamic. I kinda wish I did so that I would understand him a little better but at the moment I'm stuck thinking that this attraction is one sided even if I have been kissed in a way that makes me want to melt while at the same time go spinning off in a zillion different directions. Have you ever gotten one of those kisses? I like them. They are awesome. If i could order them off a menu I would go broke doing so.
To tell you the truth I'm scared to think that I may have imagined some of it. The butterfly feeling in my tummy that used to just appear when I thought about him or when he walked into the room... gone. The butterflies have all gone away and the nothing feeling scares the crap out of me. I waited so long to feel that feeling and then it just goes away?? WTF? That's like giving me the big lollipop, letting me suck on it just long enough to decided I really like it, and then taking it away. No!! Give it back!! I want it back!! If I sit here and cry can I have it back?? No? Okay fie, I'll go on with my life, but I won't be happy about it. OKay, the people at work will make me laugh and joke but deep down I'll still be mad and moody. Okay, fine I won't be mad and moody, I'll just be ambivalent. (What does that word even mean? It sounds right to be using it there but I don't know... hang on, going to dictionary.com...
Well that makes perfect sense. NOT!! Just kidding so yeah, ambivalent was the right word... I think. Yeah.
I completely forgot where I was going with this blog today. Crap....
nope...
Oh shit! My day... duh!! Wow... maybe the blonde is actually seeping into my head.... That's not fair to blondes. I know some smart ones and it's hard to figure out just what color on my head is seeping in to make me that much slower.... So yeah...
But my day wasn't a TOTAL crapper. I did get a new phone because my s3 was dying and I couldn't wait three months to get a new phone. My navigation was dying and most of the time I'd be out on delivery and the GPS would lose signal and I'm all like "Well, crap! I don't know where I am and if you don't know where I am then I am well and truly screwed." Which actually happens less and less because I'm starting to learn my way around Charlotte much to the annoyance of my mom because I can take back roads and get us someplace and she's all like "Now I don't know how to get here because you take a different route every time!! Stop that!" So I ended up with the S5 and a brand new number because now that I have a job, guess what? I'm in charge of my own wireless plan!!! Yes you read that right, the little girl is growing up! Never in my life have I had my own cell phone plan. I was the other name on my ex husbands for a long time which really screwed me up because he had a penchant for not paying bills and then I was on my moms plan for like the last 8 years and it was all bueno but now for the first time ever it is my bill. All me! I'm awesome!! Who's a big girl doing her own dang thang!?? That's me! This girl right here!!
Sorry my self congratulatory session was getting out of hand. Needed to nip that one. And then on the heels of planning a night sitting here playing with my brand new toy, I got called into work. (But I work with really awesome people so it's like being paid to hang out with friends) But now I'm home and I'm going to sit and play with my new toy since the kids are now in bed and I'm 90% sure I'm not going to get a text message or a call from him. but you know what? I've blogged about it and I'm actually fine with it.
Just like I'm fine with my decision to not text or call him until he texts me first. If he actually does like me that way, it will happen. If it doesn't, I will have to learn to move on. Not everyone gets their happily ever after and I've said for awhile now that I truly do believe that I had my one chance at being happy with the ex and that got fudged up so I don't get anymore. I will have to learn to like myself.
I'm a pretty awesome person. (And if you knew where I was mentally just six months ago, you would know just how hard and how gratifying it is to be able to say that...) I am an awesome person. People like me. I like me. I matter.
Oh also heads up in two days there will be a very whiney slash funny/ slash hell if I know what else blong because my oldest baby turns fifteen. Seriously?!?! I'm not old enough for that!! I think that's what I'll call it... I need to go find those embarrassing pictures now... insert evil grin here...
Stay Frosty y'all! <3 p="">
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