I've been sitting here debating whether or not to actually blog about the mystery guy for the main reason that I don't actually know who is reading my blog. I.E. by some weird twist of fate most foul, the guy that I have had a crush on for the better half of a year might read this and think I'm talking about him.
And it would be awesome if the man that has haunted my dreams for years upon years turned out to actually be him but I'm sure now, that it's not him.
Other dreams slip away as soon as I wake up and other dreams leave in large chunks but Nearly every single dream starring my mystery man has stayed on.
Last night we were at a mall. I don't know what mall I know that I have been there before in my dreams but I don't think in real life. The beginning is a little confounded. My Mom was in a doctors office and my mother in law dropped the kids off to me in the car outside the mall which was also outside of the doctors office and the she said to me that my daughter K hadn't been feeling well. So Mom gets in the car and I wheel around for a better parking spot at the mall and when she asks why I told her that there was a fast food restaurant selling whole baked chickens 3 for ten bucks. And I take the kids inside and leave her sitting in the car. I don't know why I just did.
Somehow we ended up at an Emergency room in the mall that was run by what I want to say were Chinese people but I don't know. They operated out of one of those doors that half opens and they took Kay in and closed the door. (I'm scared as hell that something is about to happen to my daughter) but in the dream I go to a hair supply store. What I was looking for, I have no idea. I don't know how long I was in there either but I do know a buzzer/beeper like the ones you get at restaurants when you are waiting on your table started lighting up and I went back to the half door where I was given K back. She is a 13 yr old as tall as me don't ask me how they gave her back through the door, I can't tell you. Then we went on our quest for the baked chicken and ended up at a McDonalds.
While my kids are harassing the people at the counter, I'm sitting at a table and watching when a man behind me starts to talk to me. I never turned to see his face but the voice was like an old friend. It made me feel safe and warm and loved. Eventually he came to sit in front of me but here's the kicker. The POV switched from mine to his. Suddenly I was looking at myself through his eyes and I didn't look fat, or trying too hard to be cute, I looked like what I am: Just a woman. And even I thought I looked pretty. I had this glow around me that almost made me sparkle like The Cullens in sunlight. He sat there and talked to me about my day and then he took my hand and told me "I'll be there soon. I want you to know that I'm trying to get to you but everytime I think I'm close there's a roadblock in my way." And I told him that I would be here waiting. He then told me that I have no idea how much he loves me. He wished he could show me; he wished he could show me. And then he did something that I'm not sure he's done ever: we both stood up and he just held me. Not tight, not in a sexual way, just stood there, and held me. And suddenly I was back in my body and all my feelings of resentment, and strain, and stress were gone. I felt nothing but happy, safe, and loved for that one moment and then he said he had to go and I watched his back as he walked away. He's still tall. But not so much taller than me. He's lost weight since I last saw him because he's thinner from the back. Sandy light brown or dark blonde hair that's cut but not short short and he was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt.
He doesn't have an accent anymore. I take that to mean that he's from down here as the Southern accent doesn't stand out to me anymore. Once in the past he had a British accent but I had just finished a movie set in England so that might have had something to do with it. Most other times he's had a twang or a Southern accent. Last night he was just talking and there was no accent that stood out.
And as I watched him walk away, there was no crying, no longing or holding out my hand to pull him back, because he said he'd be here soon and that's what I clung to.
And then my kids came back from the counter with the manager who looked like Idris Elba and I woke up because my mother in law was calling me.
I am a good girl who believes in God and all that I *supposed* to believe in but I can't understand why it is that I can't find this guy or that he apparently can't find me in any other place than my crazy ass dreams. Why does He let me develop crushes on men but make it so that they don't want me. Being alone sucks ass. I might as well be the freaking Sahara Desert because no one wants to be here.
Maybe his appearing is to shore me up since Valentines days is quickly approaching. It will be here in exactly one month from today and there is no way in hell that anyone is going to ask me out. I'm not that lucky.
Where are you mystery guy? Next time we dream meet can you tell me what roadblocks are in your way? Maybe I can help you get through them. It's more than I want you. I need you. I think you are the safety line that keeps me from spinning off into full blown crazy but the rope is starting to fray.
Ugh, blogging didn't help and I still never got my baked chicken!
Stay Frosty Bloggers. Or stay frosty out there because I'm about to turn up the heat here. Ciao!
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