Fuck up Mom

That's what I feel like right now.  A major league, royal class fuck up of a mother.

I have one child that thinks she's a diva who can do what she wants when she wants, in the time she wants, because she wants.

This afternoon Liv's friends came to the house to ask her to play.  She acted like I wasn't even there and said "Sure, I'll be right out."  In my day, with my mom, especially if she were standing right there, she would have knocked me down the street and told me to pick myself up and get in the house.  If I cried I would have gotten knocked out again because I knew I was wrong.  And Liv knew she was wrong.  Even her friend knew she was wrong.  Quite honestly, if it weren't for the fact that my kids need to be outside as much as possible and not on the Wii, Xbox, and tablets all the time I would have told her to go in the house.

And this isn't the first time.  I will tell her to go do something and even if I'm standing there, she will go and do something completely different.  When I remind her that she was supposed to be doing the thing I told her to do she widens her eyes and puts on that cutsey girl tone and says "Oh yeah! I forgot!" Picture every blonde ditz you've seen in the movies and that's what she looks and sounds like.  Pisses me off.  I take away all the fun stuff and you'd think that the stuff she's supposed to do would get done but no.  She find another way to slack off and give me the oh yeah I forgot crap.  And her mouth!  Sometimes the child forgets that I'm her mother and she will unleash the wrong tone on me.  You have no idea how many times I have abstained from backslapping the ever loving mess out of her.

And I know that there are some people out there who would tell me to slap the taste out of her mouth and be done with it but no.  I don't hit my kids.  I don't hit them because that means I'm madder than I should be and I have an anger problem.  I recognize that I do and if i get mad enough to actually raise my hand I don't have the turn off switch to say enough.  I run on adrenaline and usually until it's spent I can't stop.  So no, I won't hit my kids.

And then Kay. I have no idea where I went wrong.  Sometimes I don't think I did.  Sometimes  I get the feel like my child is a very high functioning Autistic child.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  Autistic children are people too and more than capable of one day taking care of themselves.  But how does one go about finding out if their child is autistic?  I have taken her to the doctor and pleaded with her to send Kay for testing and recognize that something is wrong and she sends the referral but then I get a letter saying that MedicAid won't pay for the tests.  So I can't get the tests.

But that's besides the point.  She's thirteen and she acts like a ten year old.  I love LOVE LOVE it when she draws me a picture but she draws in the manner of a five or six year old.

If I told you that my thirteen year old drew this, you might ask me how I made it look so knew after all these years.  Because obviously a child drew this.  If I corrected you and told you that my thirteen year old drew this less than a month ago, you would look at me like I had a special child.  I know you would.  Most people do.  Seriously they do.

She doesn't bathe properly.  And I have gotten in the shower to bathe with her and show how how to wash.  And those rare days which are becoming more and more that she sticks and when I say stinks, I mean that smell that the world as we know it associates with the few overweight people who can't get to every crevice on their body.  It's musty and funky all mixed together in one nauseating smell that stays in a room long after the person has left the room.  When I tell her that she stinks she says "Oh well!" or "I know" with a shrug and a face completely void of emotion.

Kids tease her at school.  Acne has hit her hard as it did with me at that age and she's little overweight as I was at her age.  She's awkward and I can't help but feel like if she wore her glasses more she wouldn't be so clumsy but then she complains that the kids call her four eyes.  If I tell her that kids have called people with glasses four eyes since the dawn of glasses she goes into conniption about how much it hurts.

And saddest of all, she has inherited my anger issues.  I've sat an watched how something innocent can make her actually mad enough to threaten someone's life.  My fear for her at school is that she's going to tell someone that she's going to kill them and she will be expelled. They have a zero tolerance policy at school now because of all the kids that went postal and if a kid so much as bites their sandwich into the shape of a gun they expel them.  Kay is just off the chain enough to threaten someone's life in the heat of an argument and there goes her school life.  

I don't know what to do anymore and tonight is one of those nights where I feel like maybe their father was right in suing me for custody.  Maybe I am a shit mom who is doing more damage than good.  

I don't know.  And that both pisses me off and scares the shit out of me...