So tired

I am so tired of trying to convince guys that I am worth a chance... So tired of trying to entertain people when I just want to curl up in a corner and cry...

They say that the ones that offer the first and most convincing smile are hiding the most.

I'm not smart.  I'm not funny. I'm not as pretty as the Victoria Secret's model wannabe's walking around today.  When it comes to members of the opposite sex, I get tongue tied and say everything wrong or I let my body overwhelm my thoughts and I flirt like a wanton hussy.

I never learned how to be subtle.  It was never anything I needed to know because I was the fat black band geek in a white Jewish school that nobody ever looked twice at.  In college I was the whiter than Wonder bread black girl that was once again a band geek and only one person looked at me in an attempt to save me from a fate worse than death for a college girl.

The guys in Johnson C Smith Marching band's drum line were planning to run a train on me.  For those that don't know, when a few guys plan to run a train on a girl that seduce her one by one until she sleeps with every one of them.  It can be anywhere from three to however many guys.  In my case it became a Kappa Kappa Psi initiation so it was about ten guys.  My now ex husband got wind of it and put a stop to it by claiming me as his own.  For that I will probably always be thankful because at 18, I was so horny that I probably would have fallen for it and not realized what was going on until it was too late.

It wasn't really enough to completely save me from some ruin.  One night before I was officially with my ex, I was invited to go on a walk with one of the saxophone players.  In my mind he was courting me.  Old fashioned courting me.  I was wrong.  So wrong.  After the rape, I tried to report it but his Line brothers (He was trying to go for KKP) told campus police that it was a train, I was fully aware of it, and that it couldn't have been rape because they all saw me flirting with the guy.  Campus police then turned around and told me just because it wasn't the way I wanted it to happen, I couldn't cry rape.

I have never had any confidence when it comes to guys.  I'm just not the one that guys like.  I'm the friend.  The one that has to keep her feelings to herself while they go on and date the skinny pretty model type girls.  The one that gets to go sit at their weddings.  The one that gets to stalk their Facebook walls.

I don't think I can do it anymore.  I don't think I can be the person with the ready smile.  The person that looks like their world is all sunshine and giggles when I'm wading through shit in the fog.  I can't be the person with the funny joke on demand when all I can think about is what highway I can walk out on and when.

That's morbid, I know.  Perhaps a little too morbid but it's kinda how I feel.  Part of me wonders if God has a plan for me that involves me being happy or is the plan for me to just hang around being miserable until I finally give up and let go.

My birthday is in three weeks.  You know what I want?  I want a date.  A real date.  Movies, Dinner, talking... I want a guy to take that chance.  To give me a shot.  I don't care if he's a knight in shining armor or a dofus in tin foil.  I don't care if he's riding a noble steed or a Harley or even a moped.  I just want someone to take a chance.

Every New Years I make the same wish... please God, don't let the coming year be another year I end alone.  Please let me have someone to kiss at midnight.  Please let me have someone who makes me happy and allows me to make him happy.  Every new years I watch everyone else kiss their beloveds and every year I have to fight the tears until I'm alone and can let them fall in the torrential streams they flow in.

I can't do it anymore.  I can't hope.  I can't pray.  I can't wish.  I think this birthday and this New Years I'll stay home where I can cry if I want to.  Where I don't have to be the brave soldier who always smiles.  I won't do it anymore.  It's over.  I'm done.  IF my lot in life is to be the one that is always the friend and is only loved as such, then so be it.  I will take that and do my best to excel at it.

Because I'm so tired...

So tired...