So I made my way to the store and got the scallops. I went to Wegmans and roamed around the store listening to my music and bopping around like a teeny bopper getting the stuff I needed and then I caught a cab home and proceeded to do a United States of Tara thing.
Have you seen that show? It's totally awesome. This woman has three other personalities living inside of her. Well four if you count this season but still I've seen all of them at this point and let me tell you, today I was in full on Alice mode. Well not full on or I would be blogging from the ICU for ODing on cleaning products. (I have actually done this before it's not a fun way to get attention) Alice is the typical mother from the 50's. She speaks like a lady, acts, like a lady, has an impeccablly clean house and cooks gourmet meals. I did the cook thing.
And I burned the first batch because I didn't know that my son had turned up my NuWave oven to 450 from the 350 it basically stays on. But no matter, I figured it out and did the big batch so correctly that I'm sitting here with what is probably my third plate of scallops in front of me and I am trying very hard, very effing hard, to control the desire to make then do a ghost maneuver in twenty seconds or less.
Damn I can cook.
With the bread I wasn't so lucky. I got a bread machine at the salvation army for five dollars and I knew it was going to be a waste of five bucks but still, I bought it. I cleaned it out today and put the ingredients in for the outback honey wheat bread and like I knew it would, it mixed it and let it rise and baked it right over the top and not all the way through. I really need a breadmaker. I good one. And Up to date one. Is anyone out there listening? I need a breadmaker. I have been asking from one for years now but does anyone hear me? Nope.
Whatever, it's not going to break me.
OKay so, the streetlights are on and this thought is running around with yesterdays thoughts having fun on the world wide web. I am going back to being mom and having fun. I think there is going to be another blog tonight before bed because I am watching Wife swap and am very upset with it, but we will see.
Single and blogging is signing off!
So let's move on. What is today's random thought?? Hmmm... do you know I am quite literally stumped? I don't know what to write about.
Oh! I know!! I'll go with the multiple personalities topic since I started it already.
I personally think that EVERYONE has multiple personalities. I also happen to think that the person that greets the world every day is NOT your main personality. S/he is just the one that got to the body first.
For me, I know I have multiple personalities. Many, many, many personalities. I have the happy homemaker who tends to come out when I am facing some kind of emotional stress. I kinda love her but I kind of hate her. She cooks, she cleans, she plays with my kids and makes the world a shiny, pseudo happy, sanitized place. She doesn't quit until every surface shines and every kid is squeaky clean with a home baked cookie in their hand smiling up at me telling me/her that they love her. That's why I love her. I hate her because she always chooses to manifest herself in front of other people. People who don't believe in multiple personalities and who expect that I am going to do some of that stuff when she leaves. (She is also the one that thinks it's effin awesome to mix bleach and ammonia because if they eat through the plastic bucket she mixes them in, then the floors with have to get clean.) I love her I hate her it's not a nice relationship
Who else have I got fighting for control? I have the seductress. She's not as dominant as as I want her to be. If she was as dominant as I want her to be, the guy that I am crushing on would probably actually know that I am crushing as bad as I am. If she were as dominant as I wanted her to be she would not be in the back of my mind screaming "Love me, choose me, be with me!", she would be out there making it happen. She would walk up to him and say *****, I really really like you., I really want to go out with you. She... she... I don't know about her. I'm honestly starting to lose faith in her.
Then there's the pensive wall flower. She's the one that comes out at the parties where I'm usually the only black person in the room listening to music that I don't particularly like in a room full of people who are all connected in a way that I can't be connected. She's the one that everyone at the party sees. She's the one that really pisses me off. We make her go away with enormous amounts of cheap alcohol or minimal amounts of really good alcohol. She's usually around when, and I can't believe I am admitting this, I am around one of my best friends in the whole wide world. Her other friends make me feel so inadequate that I just want to hide in a corner until they all go away and I can be alone with her again. When I am with her all by myself, I don't feel like I'm not good enough, but when we are all together, I feel like why the hell am I here? Why does she put up with me? Me who has no car and always needs a ride. Me, who can't go out and do stuff at the drop of a hat because I have kids that I'm not entirely comfortable leaving them although I want to if only just for an hour. Me who is insanely jelous because my BFF's friends they can do all all that stuff and be with her all the time.
So I use mass amounts of alcohol to make her shut up and go away because of all my personalities, she probably is the one I would like to medicate away like Drop Dead Fred.
When she is driven away by the seventh deadly sin, Dette the funny comes out. Everyone loves her. She's funny, she's witty, she's out on the dance floor having the time of her life, she flirts with the guys, she has animated conversations that aren't about her kids. Everyone loves her. Hell I love her.
Wanna know the problem with her? When I get home, Angry Dette comes out and beats the crap out of her for once again peeking out and she keeps beating her until self pity Dette comes out and I cry. Cry for the things I can't do, Cry for the things I can't afford, cry for the years when by all rights I should have been enjoying life and having fun instead of being beaten down by a husband who saw someone who could crush.
There are many more faces of Dette but these are the ones that everyone sees all the time.
Do you know who I miss? I miss high school Dette. High school Dette talked on the phone, high school Dette went out and had fun even though she was a fat pimply, flat as a board without the socks in her bra band geek. She was a nice person.
No comments:
Post a Comment