And the meltdown award goes to...

...Me!

Like you had any doubt.

Let's go back to Saturday.  Saturday I was opening driver at work.  It started off as an ordinary day no drama whatsoever.  Joe even called one of the crew and told him not to come in till later because we weren't slammed in any way.  Then about eleven twelve-ish, my lower left abdomen started to hurt like someone was intermittently punching me.  Not sucker punches and not full force punches but still punching me.  I may have doubled over a couple of times because Joe kept asking me if I was going to be able to finish my shift and I kept telling him yes I could I could soldier through it.  I kept in the mindset that I just had so and so many more hours until my shift was over and I could go home and rest.  However around three it was clear that I was not going to make it and I even told Joe yes, call someone in.  However, I did have one more delivery to take which was a triple.  Keep in mind that by that point the dull punching feeling had escalated to a sharp stabbing feeling.  Sort of like my body's way of saying "You didn't seem to want to listen when it wasn't that bad so let me shout at you that you need to stop and sit the eff down!"

I cannot tell you how I made it back to the store.  I really honestly cannot tell you.  I remember leaving the parking lot at the mall after giving both deliveries there to their respective people and the next thing I know Joe and John were randomly standing at the car.  There were some words said.  My mom was called (I don't care what anyone says at 35 years old it is an awesome feeling to know that when I have a bad owie, I can still call my mommy... or in this case have my boss call my mommy...)  I remember John asking me my car or his. And I remember getting in his car.  After that.  I remember morphine.  At one point between them saying they were giving me morphine and me getting said morphine someone came in to get something from me and I told him to go away unless he had morphine.  The morphine gave me one of those all over body shocks.  I don't know if anyone has ever been quite this stupid but if you've ever licked a live 9v battery and the shock that radiates throughout your body from head to toe for a hot second... that's what the morphine did at first and then slowly it took the pain away.

Went to do an MRI.  Discovered that when they give you iodine through an IV it makes you feel warm ALL OVER.  Key note here when the tech tells you that you will feel like you've peed yourself, he is not lying.  At all.  I can't say that was the feeling my mind skipped straight to but because the suggestion was there I eventually came to feel like that.

So, a lot of poking, prodding, and a horrific pelvic exam later we found two things were going on in the end.  One I was constipated.  Two, I had a ovarian cyst burst on me.  Apparently the blockage was fairly close to the cyst.  What this means in medical terms I have no clue.  Which one hurt the most, I have no clue.  I don't know how bad the blockage was considering that one big glass of milk later that problem was solved.  What I do know: That shit hurt like a motherfucker. IT's not often that I'm not able to take pain but this was one of those rare times that I was not able to take the pain.  My wonderwoman cape slipped a little bit and I wasn't Super Dette, I was just pitiful human Claudette who wasn't able to cope with the horrible pain that felt kinda like I was giving birth all over again.  Now factor in that I had C-sections for all of my kids and experienced very little labor time with any of them (I was in labor with Jojo for a couple of hours, I was in labor with Kay for maybe an hour and there was no labor with Livy) the fact that I felt like I was in labor should tell you just how bad I felt.  I'm positive I was crying... hard.  Whether or not I was ladylike about it or I cussed like a sailor on speed I cannot tell you.

I seriously went to be Saturday night at sevenish and woke briefly yesterday but everytime I took my meds I was back down within a half an hour (Which is not a good thing when you drink milk to solve a constipation problem.  Also if you have a burst cyst that still hurts WITH MORPHINE and you need to poo,  Don't do anything to force the poo... The result will be you sitting on the potty bawling your eyes out because now you hurt but you can't do anything about because you have to be on the potty.  You can't call anyone because it's close to the middle of the night and what are they going to do anyway?  Trust me, if you have the two things combined DON"T FORCE THE POO!  NO matter how much Strawberry you put in the milk, don't drink it!  Okay so that was more a note to myself but whatever.

Sunday was a puff of smoke.  I attempted to clean out my dvr and I'm pretty sure I slept through a lot of the stuff I eventually said to delete. I did put a hurting on the mega bag of M&M's that I created though.  Don't ask me when as my brain thought of very little until a text message asking me to work came through this morning at ten.  I got dressed and my neighbor gave me a ride so I got seven hours in when I was technically off.  I had residual pain but it was more of an ache that was easily controlled by tramadol. Made it through the day and had a good time.

I even got to have Jersey mike's Subs for the first time ever.  Nothing spectacular... it was a sub... I have the feeling I didn't get the whole experience but then with the limited things I do eat, I rarely get the orgasmic experience that everyone else gets.  I also got to see John and prove to him that I occasionally do have cracks in my armor that show but I am back on my feet in no time.  I think I might have scared a few new grey hairs on him.  It's okay.  Only makes him more distinguished.  LOL.

So this afternoon, my mom calls my x mother in law and tells her that she will be by to pick up my girls at six pm.  Xmil says this is fine she will have had them fed by then and it's all gravy.  My mom calls me at six thirty and says that she's sitting at the gas station up the street because she got there at six and the kids came out saying that they had JUST started to eat.  Am I surprised?  Not in the slightest.  She always does this.  Even when I was married to her son.  You'd say  "I'll be that at XX:XX.  I need you to be ready."  She'll agree and keep you waiting a half an hour.  When I used to drive over there to get them for church I would say I will be there at nine fifteen and I need for you to be ready because I still have to go get my mom and be to church by ten.  I would be there at nine fifteen and she would keep me waiting until twenty five after so that I had to speed and risk a speeding ticket to get to my mom so that we made it to church on time.  So glad that they go to Elevation Cult... er Church now.  SO GLAD!

Got the girls home and had to lay into them that they need to stop telling people that I don't have time for them now that I have a job.  That is my pet peeve (Well one of them)  They don't seem to mind when they say "Mommy I need" and I can go in my wallet and give but let me miss one night of unfettered Rock band and suddenly Mommy's never there for them... Livy wanted a locking doorknob... I got her one and surprised her with it.  But Mommy never has time for them anymore.  I'm here to tuck them in almost every night and I am here ever single morning when they get up but Mommy never has time for them anymore.  I don't have a man lying up in my bed so that they can't tromp into my room whenever they want as much as I would LOVE to have a man in my bed... But I don't have time for them anymore.  Most people write them off because they know me and know that I will always make time for my kids but they can tell that to certain people like my ex mother in law who will put a million well placed bugs in my ex husbands ears and boom, custody suit city all over again.  He still hasn't cancelled that and it's still hanging over my head.  I can't really do anything major concerning my kids because according to the state, I'm such a bad mother that my ex husband has petitioned them for full custody of my kids.

So that's my last few days.  My Superwoman cape is back in place.  My kids are resting before bed which they will be going to on time because they continue their EOG's in the morning. By tonight, I will know if I am going on a date tomorrow or not... maybe.  It depends on whether o not he remembers I told him I would be awake (Which I probably won't be but I will wake up if he calls)

I need a new phone.  This one is dying fast.  The screen craps out on me on a regular basis and the GPS is crap on it which is not good considering my job.  I've been holding out to see if I can join Joe and Patty's cell plan but now I'm thinking I need to go ahead and get my own and soon.  I've been looking online to see if I can get a good deal without having to pay a tremendous deposit.  It may need to happen sooner rather than later. I think I'll go back to looking tonight.

Well that's me in a nutshell bloggers.  Toodle-oo and Ciao!  Stay frosty!!

So over it...

I might as well put out that warning now.  I'm not in a good mood, this WILL be one of those woe is me posts, and please don't respond or comment with inspirational sayings or "Advice" because at this point I don't think I need it.  More to the point, I don't want it.

I have come to the sad very sad conclusion that I am not meant to be romantically happy in this life.  It sounds really fucked up but I honest to God believe it now.  I thought it before, but now I believe it.  I really think that my one chance at happiness was my fucked up marriage and I ruined it.

And You're probably sitting there and thinking "WTF is she smoking" to make me say that but here are a few fun facts about me.

After Randy and I split up, I didn't give time to anyone else until we were officially divorced.  NOt that I actually wanted to because at the time I realized I needed to work on me and not work on another we, you know.  I kept my head down, I raised my kids and I went on with life like nothing huge was happening because let's face it, nothing huge was happening.  Towards the end of my penance in New Jersey I had a crush on a guy named Brent.  I have to say, for the first time liking a guy since my husband it hit me hard but a couple of things were against me.  First off, I was color blind, he was not.  If you don't get that, I can't help you.  Second off, the mutual friends we did have were trying to hook him up with someone else which for awhile made me feel like chopped fucking liver but I got over it.  Right around the time I realized he was not colorblind.

So then I moved to NC and for a solid year, I did nothing, saw no one, and didn't have the chance to develop any attractions.  I lived and let live.

About a year into my time here, my bff set me up with a night of fun.  That was all he was supposed to be.  I knew this and went into it willingly.  I wanted to, hell my body needed to, so I did it but then a strange thing happened.  He wanted my phone number and crap and he actually texted me and paid attention to me.  We went on two date and slept together a couple of times before he just dropped from the face of the earth.  Didn't stop me from obsessing over him for a good bit.  And honestly, I know for a fact that it wasn't him I was obsessing over, it was the sex.  For the first time ever, I actually enjoyed sex.  For the first time ever, I orgasmed.  In ten years of marriage, I never truly got to do that.  I could fake like I got to do that like a porn star but I never actually got to do that.  Anyway, I was caught up on him for a long time before my friend suggested that nother guy and I would be good together.

He actually was a good guy.  A little self absorbed and a bit of a pompous know it all at time but he was a nice guy and Momma always said that sometimes you have to overlook a few bad habits when you are with someone special.  We did go out once but it kinda fell in the category of hanging out with a friend.  At the end of the night, he sat in the car and told me that his cats got out before he left home and he had to go let them in. End of outing.  A few weeks later I got an attack of bold and actually asked him if he was ever going to ask me out because to be honest, we were walking that path... the pre date "I'm-gonna-ask-you-out-someday-just-wait-for-it" path But the answer I got was something along the lines of I was a disorganized homebody who didn't enjoy the outdoors so no, he was never going to ask me out.  I'm not even going to get into how many ways he was wrong on his assumption but the fact was that it was an insult and it hit home so end of that attraction.  Do I still find him attractive? Yes.  If he realized he was a pompous ass who insulted me without giving anything a try and asked me out anyway, would I say yes? I might go camping or hiking with him put off any romantic connotations that came up and make it clear that I saw him as a friend because I honestly do see him in the friend light now.

So everyone said get a job and get out of  the house and I would meet someone and I would have fun.  For those people I have two words: Thank you.  I did get out of the house and get a job and I am having the time of my life.

But on the first day at my new job, I turned around and I saw HIM and suddenly I was back in high school with a whole new twist.  He was fine and he had a smile that made me see stars.  He had a voice that sounded like Barry wife and sent shivers up my spine.  And all the air sucked out of the room and it was impossible to convert air into carbon monoxide.  Dude I was hooked.  So after a few conversation I got another attack of bold and I asked him out.  He said yes.  We went out and had fun and at the end of the night he kissed me.  A real kiss.  One that still sends tremors to my belly and it's been a couple of weeks.  But here's the thing, everytime we try to plan something something happens.  I'm starting to think that it's fate trying to tell me, "No, you don't get to be happy.  You had your chance and you screwed it up. No love for you! Love Nazi!" (If you don't get that, you aren't old enough to read this blog.  Turn around and go back home to Mommy right now).  I can't help it, but that's the way I feel.

And I have calmed myself down enough to realize that by thinking this way I am shooting myself in the foot by giving up so quickly.  In reality, blogging out a little of my frustration has convinced me that I am doing just that and to take a step back to let it develop as it wants to.  It's like that song.  You can't hurry Love, you just have to wait.  So I will wait and let whatever is going to happen, happen.

See, I started this blog all crying and angry and Now I'm not so upset.  Blogging helps.

Gonna sign off now and go read.  I started The Mortal instruments, City of Bones and it's really good.  Stay frosty peeps!!

Busy busy dizzy

So life has been kind of up in the air for me for a little bit.

I'm still working but working has a brighter lift to it.  I get to work with someone I really like. As a matter of fact, we've actually had our first date.  I'm not giving out any (many) details but I would say it went very well.  I did get kissed at the end of it and it was the kind of kiss that has made me feel butterflies and tremors in the pit of my stomach for a week or more.  I'm not being overly gushing or anything.  I'm being totally serious when I say that if I just close my eyes for maybe five minutes, I remember and my stomach does a little flip flop.  It's both an awesome feeling and a slightly irritating one since sometimes I don't have to close my eyes for it to happen since 55% of my day he is crossing my mind.

And working with him is not awkward at all.  Once I got past the first shift where I really just wanted to kiss him again and let my good girl and work ethic sides beat the tar out of my slightly hormonal male company deprived side, I was fine.  I'm able to work nearly side by side with him and am able to put aside most of feelings.  I still tend to stop and stare at him sometimes but I'm getting pretty good at making my hands work so that it looks like I'm doing actual work while I do that.

So I got a pedicure last Monday and the guy skinned my toe because he was talking to the woman next to him and and still going at my foot with the scraper and now I think it's infected.  I've done everything I'm supposed to short of going to the doctor.  I have an appointment with her on Thursday next week  I will ask her about it then unless I just can't put up with the pain any longer and I take myself to the ER...  I'm betting I don't last past Sunday.  What's your bet? Considering shoes are the ultimate enemy right this moment, I'm surprised I've made it this long and I'm pretty sure that my toe just might be gangrenous and ready to be sawed off by next Thursday but I am a worst case scenario kind of gal!

So last Saturday, I got caught in the torrential downpour that hit charlotte just as I stepped out of my car for a delivery.  Soaked to the bone within minutes.  I got back to the shop and my boss lent me his hoodie but I'm pretty sure he didn't count on me taking off the shirt and using just the hoodie for the remainder of the day, but that's what happened.  I'm 90% sure that my last two male deliveries couldn't pick me out of a line up unless they only showed the chest area because neither of them seem ed to notice I had a face.  Sadly, this was perfectly fine with me.  As far as I'm concerned, my time is taken by someone else and no man need apply for the position because they will be turned away.

I am seriously about to fall asleep right now... It's kinda a miracle that I was able to stay up long enough to write what I have.  I got off at 1130 last night... home by ten to 12, stayed up writing until 145 and didn't actually get into bed until 2 ish... I had to be up at 7 this morning because the kids has both dentist and doctors appointments and NOw I;m sitting here because I take them back to my mom about 33 so that she can take Big Girl to back to the dentist to get two cavities taken care of at four and I have to be to work for another closing shift...

So I think I'm going to take a short nap.  Blog ya later!!  Stay frosty!

Why

Why are men so bloddy frustrating?  Is it seriously in their DNA to make women want to wrap their hands around their necks and just squeeze until they hear a pop?

I wish I could go into more detail, I honestly wish I could but its just not going to happen today and work is going to be very frustrating until I figure out how to wrap my head around the whole frustrating male thing.

Good news is that it is a BEAUTIFUL day out today... bad news is I'm stuck inside for most of it... with said frustrating male...

Dint get me wrong... the view is awesome.

Gah!!!! I need a real scream...

I need a drink...

Bad habits and old feelings...

So when I was in college, I had a very bad habit.  I hid it very well from most of my friends but every now and then I toked a cigarette or two.  I never to my knowledge smelled of cig smoke and you honestly never actually saw me with cigs on my person but I had them.  I smoked them every now and then.  I coughed politely when someone blew smoke in my face because in all honesty some brands set off my asthma BUT ONLY THE SMOKE.  The three times I tried smoking weed, it put me in the hospital.  I've come to the conclusion that they were all three bad batches.  And I can say that because second hand does nothing to me (Except make me very happy)

The few months that I was between pregnancies, I smoked a little.  When life got a little too hectic, cause you know having three kids in three years is a freaking walk in the park and doing it while your SOB husband is out to sea is a cakewalk in the park, I bummed or bought the occasional cig and used the nicotine to calm myself but as usual in my life, hubs stopped that bad habit cold freaking turkey.  One by spending our money to where a pack of emergency cigs would have actually broken us, and two by nagging at me.  Like really nagging and calling my parenting into question. He didn't actually know that the very little smoking I did do was what kept my family alive because there were A LOT of times I wanted to go running screaming into the night.

The friends that I drink with all know I can take a cigarette and not kill myself.  I don't actually know any of my drinking friends who have NOT had me snatch a cig out of their hand and puff like I've been doing it all my life.

So since I've been working, I have had moderately less stress than I did when I wasn't working and that's awesome beyond words but now my stress is coming back and it's coming with a whole new emotion.  One that I don't like at all... resentment.

So okay, when I was a kid from like second grade to Fourth grade I was an afterschool program kid.  I went to the classroom with the other kids and did my homework, had a snack, and played games until my mom got off work.  Mom would take me home and then fix dinner (If it was summer dinner was whatever fast food was between work and home as she didn't cook in the summer... at all) and after she did that, she disappeared into her room to smoke while I sat in the living room and ate/watched TV.  She called out for bath time, she called out for bedtime.  I rarely entered her bedroom because the cloud of smoke that separated the ceiling from the floor was kinda terrifying...  So very little interaction between she and I.  If she wanted to go hang out at the club I went to a friends house so her mom could babysit me.  I had babysitters come over the house.  I can guarantee you that my babysitters and I probably single householdly kept my local KFC and Roy Rogers in business.  In Fifth grade it was decided that I was old enough to have a key and let myself in in the afternoons.  It was all good, I called the school to tell them I was home, I did my homework, I did my chores, I watched tv.  If she was still working when I got hungry, I made hot dogs or grilled fish on the indoor grill.  She usually made it home from bath and bed time.  Still no real interaction because those days probably included working as a teacher then afterschool teacher or detention teacher, followed by softball practice, and/or a meeting, and then maybe an hour at the club.  I watched a lot of TV.  By high school she had quit smoking but she still came home and sequestered herself in the room.  She actually picked up things at school to do since I was so old and usually wasn't even home anyway because I was in band or at track (Don't get excited, I was time keeper for the boys team, I do not run)

So riddle me this.  I have kids and for the last ten years I have been the stay at home mom because I wanted them to have what I didn't have.  I wait until they are teenagers to get a job and suddenly in everyone's eyes, I'm turning into a bad mom???  My mom worries about the girls because they come home and call me to let me know that they are home because I'm working.  They have sandwiches or leftover pizza, or reheat something I cooked either that day or the day before,because I'm working.  I am home in time for showers and to look over homework and inspect chores.  If pick up a late shift at work, I call the girls to make sure that they are okay and they can call me at anytime.  If i'm closing and they're home, I call to say goodnight.  My mother however, calls then every hour on the hour to make sure that they are okay and when I get home puts on her best mother voice and tells me that she called them to just keep checking up on them. (When I first started working, it was not unusual to come home and find her here with them just sitting with them keeping them company.)

Tonight she advised me to keep a really good dinner for them tomorrow because they deserve it as I'm never here.  I need to make it up to them.

I am seriously not handling this well at all.  When I was there age, where was the person that came and sat with me when she had to work late and stopped off at the club?  Where was the person to call me every hour?  Did anyone tell her that maybe she should come home and cook me a special meal because she had to work all time?  Were the babysitters that washed my hair and braided my hair and got me dressed for bed supposed to be mom when she went to the club for something?  Was my childhood BFF's mom supposed to be the pinch hitter?

Don't get me wrong.  We did things, she and I.  We spent some time together.  To be honest, my memory is lacking a bit because a lot of things are colored red at the moment, but I remember going to the steakhouse on Fridays after work and Sizzlers on my birthdays.  Then I remember her dropping me off at football games that I had to play at.  Picking me up from band practice after school.

WHERE WAS THE PERSON THAT MADE SURE I WASN'T SEEING TOO MUCH OF OTHER CAREGIVERS OR WATCHING TOO MUCH TELEVISION???

SO why am I made to feel like a bad mom?  I don't get it.  I have sat and thought about this for a few weeks now and I don't get it.  Every single part of it is a complete mystery.

I sat home for ten freaking years.  I didn't do babysitters, I gave up my life.  I didn't go to the club, I didn't hang out with friends.  At Twenty something, I was already forty.  My kids didn't eat a shit ton of quickfood or fast food.  I cooked.  I STILL cook.  Do you know how many mornings I've gotten up and made a meatloaf so my kids could have it for dinner.  Or the nights that I stayed up baking a chicken so they could heat it up.  Yes I bring them home pizza.  Yes I take them to work for pizza because it's cheap.  How am I the mom who has the mom who worries about the kids because I'm working all the time???

So yeah, last weekend, I bummed Patty's e-sig and the nicotine calmed me, tonight I practically jumped Kam for the rest of her cig.  I can so see this becoming a habit again and not a minor one like before.  This time I can almost see it turning full blown.  So far as I can see, I have four choices.  1. I can take up smoking pot because let's face it.  Pot calms everyone it touches.  Two.  I can take up smoking and just not care what anyone thinks about me.  Three, start drinking... again.... or four find a BF and use sex as my stress reliever.  The cons to this.  One, pot is very hard to come by discreetly and I don't really want it in my house.  2. This will cause massive nagging from my mother.  I will care.  There is no way around this.  I will be hounded into giving it up again and feel way worse for causing my mom t give me the talks that she will give me.  Resentment will come roaring back and I will not be a happy person ever. Three.  You cannot be a delivery driver if you exist in a constant state of hungover.  This is no bueno.  This causes you to lose job and  enter more stress... 4. I have been trying so badly to do this one but I suck at flirting, I fell asleep for being direct 101 and literally no one notices me like that.

This shit is going to plague me like this until I have another nervous breakdown and my breakdowns are just that.  The walls go up, the spikes go out and NO ONE gets through to me.  In the past this has caused doctors to drug me and take away my driving privileges.

I so don't understand.  I don't like it.  I don't like feeling this way.  I just want for five minutes to be the normal girl with the normal parents that ignore her the normal amount and let her life life a certain way and remember that she's thirty five and NOT sixteen. Can I be the normal girl that likes a guy and has no problem letting him know because she understands that if he rejects her, it's not the end of the world?  Can I use the car that my own money bought and not feel like it's going to blow up on me?

Can I be normal.  Just one day?  Please.  I promise I've been extra good this year Santa.

Le Sigh... I've got nothing else.  I'm spent. Stay Frosty Bloggers.  I have stuff to do tomorrow and I may or may not be working.  I don't know yet. We'll see.

Goodnight...

Frappuccinos and chapstick

So this morning did not start out on a good note.  I'm sorry but it didn't.  I was up way earlier than I actually planned to get up and then ate way earlier than I ever eat so for like an hour my tummy was tap dancing to  the tune of "You stupid idiot, what am I supposed to do with food this early in the bloody morning?" and it chose some wicked solos at almost the wrong times.  But it was all good because once I got the Venti java chip Frappuccino with TWO shots of espresso in it, tummy said "Ah, there's the flood of caffeine we usually get on Saturday morning, why'd you hold out on me??"  Think my boss may have a new drink cause he tried mine and he was like "Yum!"

See I have this thing where I can be a morning person or I can be a people person.  Without serious amounts of caffeine, I cannot be both at the same time.  And on the way to work this morning, whoever is the Patron saint of stupid drivers played a very nasty game with me.  At least five times, driver moved in front of me and went so freaking slow it was like trying to pluck someone bald one hair at a time.  One very special idiot slid out in front of me and then slammed on his brakes cause me to to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting him.  And one even more special idiot actually stopped in the middle of the street (Slowly instead of slamming on his/her brakes thank God) and thought it was a good idea to throw their car into reverse to try and get back to the street that they bypassed.  I mean really?  REALLY???

I spent only a few minutes this morning squinting my eyes and pretending to pop Deedadee's head like a pimple.  For this I pride myself because if I don't actually squint my eyes and try, I spend copious amounts of time doing so in my head.  And my imagination is a dangerous place for some people to find themselves in.

I'm not going to say work went good because honestly, work always goes well and I'm pretty sure people are getting sick of listening to me praise my job.  I only do it because I love it so much.

Like a quarter to three my x-inlaw tried to tank my day.  Texting me and asking me what time the kids had to be at the church for their performance.  I mean really?? We have been going over this since Last Saturday!!  You asked me when was the performance.  Then you asked me what time they had to be there.  Then you asked me if I was going to come get the kids to take them to practice.  Then you asked them if I was coming to pick them up after practice.  Then you had my daughter call me and ask me to bring her clothes.  Then on the day of the performance you asked me again, what time they had to be there less than a half an hour before they had to be there when you live a good forty minutes away.

*Bangs head against a wall repeatedly* I love my extended former family. I love my extended former family.  I do not want to sell my extended former family to West Indian pirates and condemn them to hard labor for the rest of their lives. I love my extended former family... Maybe if i keep chanting this over and over it will sound like the truth...

Side note: The ex called my mom after the performance which he stayed to watch AND got them there EARLY for... he liked it.  Now he sees why I am so adamant that they continue it.  Yay!! Point to me!!  Hell point to him for actually getting them there without me have a major meltdown via phone and text!

But in my little world I was kinda stressed about the performance when I was at work because I wasn't sure they were going to get there and like always when I'm stressed, I really really want a cigarette. I don't smoke and usually it sends me into a coughing fit almost bad enough to call an ambulance when someone is stupid enough to hand me a ciggy so what did I do?  Naturally, I reached for P's e-cig and took a huge puff.  And she uses the highest level of nicotine you can buy.

OH MY GOD!!! In the one giant and two tiny puffs I took, my stress level dropped by more than half and my desire to make myself two cinnamon breads and go rape the McDonalds across the street vanished!  I wasn't hungry, I did not want to eat my anger away and I lost my anger!  I am SO going to get me an e-sig on Friday when I get paid.  Oh my effing god!  And I felt good for the rest of the day.  Also Joe is like the greatest male friend that I could have because he actually could see the stress on my face and did the one thing that I wish more people in my life would do when I get that angry.... he hugged me.  Just a simple hug.  A transference of good energy to someone riddled with bad energy.  He saw me approaching level three of pissed and rerouted it.  He's awesome!  I do try to tell people that are close to me that if you can see it on my face there is a choice to be made.  Try and deflate, or try and escape.  Most people choose escape and leave me to blow up.  He chose to deflate.  Very Awesome and very brave.

So I got off work and went to get dinner for Mommy and I because by then P had left the store and taken her e-sig with her so the hunger was slowly edging it's way back.  talked with her for awhile then tried to leave before I got locked in with the rest of the convicts...er patients and failed.  Was told to go by Wal-mart for a couple of things before going home and of course I went strait home and got my shoes off and was in the process of taking off the pants and shirt when I remembered where I was supposed to be.  Got redressed and went to Wally World.

And the chronicles of chapstick continue because they have yet another new flavor of chapstick out....

OMG!! Grape to meet you?!?!?  That is soo cute!!  And I made myself feel instantly old because I opened it and tried it so I could decide if I wanted to indulge my obsession and buy three more and the girl asked me how it was.  I told her it tasted like Big league chew bubble gum.  She just stared at me blankly.  She had no idea what I was talking about.  So finally I said it was like grape kool-aid and she said "Oh yeah!"  I felt so old.  So very very very old....  It's rare that I feel that old...

In other personal life news.  I think I am on the verge of a fight with one of my dearest friends because it looks like  to her that I don't have time for her anymore which is simply not true.  I just have a lot of things going on and new doors in my life opening up and conversation even on it's most basic level has fallen to the wayside.  At least fifteen people tell me that I have all but dropped off the earth as far as conversation is concerned.  I'm slowly getting them to understand that if you text me I will normally answer but I rarely have time for phone calls.  I try but mostly when I'm not working, I'm trying to cram a whole lotta shit into a very few hours because my body tends to shut down on me and I fall asleep and NOTHING gets done so if you call me and I'm not all there, it's because I'm really not.  I'm in a thousand different places.  I've actually already had two friends basically cut me off.  I don't want to lose the friend that I think I am on the verge of losing but I might if I can't get them to understand I don't love them any less I just have somethings that are pulling me in a slightly different direction than I used to travel in.

I am going to finish undressing and hit the mattress.  It's been a long day and tomorrow will be a long one tomorrow.  It will be long all week except for Wednesday.

So goodnight bloggers!  Stay frosty!!  

Ciao!

Blind as a bat on crack.

So a few years ago... well more than a few cause a few is three right?  A few a few a couple years ago... Insert emoticon with me sticking my tongue out at you...I have shingles.  The second stage of chicken pox that the seniors are all afraid of getting because of those lovely commercials?  Yeah young people can get it but you have to have a shitload of stress in your life for it to happen.  I had that.  I worked for Debbie and Dionza and if you only knew what I went through those three long long LONNNNNG years... anyway, I had Shingles and it spread to my eyes permanently weakening them so that if there is the slightest bit of sunlight or headlights brighter than normal, I'm basically blind without serious sunglasses.

IT's something I've learned to live with.  Not well because the last eye doctor I saw told me that I will most likely be completely blind within the next fifteen years or so and that it was a miracle I wasn't already legally blind.  I have ways or helping to prolong the diagnosis. I wear sunglasses everywhere and I have colored contacts that block a good bit of light from my eyes because they are opaque.  I avoid going out in direct sunlight and I will make myself late for something if I can't find my shades.

Today I made a rookie mistake.  I was sitting outside soaking up some much needed warmth from the sun and I took off my shades.  I know... stupid stupid me, but I hate the suntan my face gets when I tan with them on and I ALWAYS tan.  There is usually a definite distinction of where my shades where when I sat out in the sun.  Anyway, I was soaking up the sun when a co worker called out to me and I opened my eyes  into direct sunlight.  Boom instant migraine.  It was a very awesome thing that Amber let me go home early tonight or I wouldn't have been able to function much past when I did.

Add to that that I spent all day working with two people I probably shouldn't have.  The first is a female that well... yeah.  I like her okay but she's loud.  I'm pretty sure that when she speaks, Pizza Hut can hear her clearly and they are two parking lots over.  The concept of personal space is sometimes lost on her as is privacy.  Today was no exception.  She was loud and on top of that, she was in a bad mood for God only cares what reason. (It was her only day off and she got called in I kinda would be mad as hell too but sometimes you really do just have to get over it.)

So working around/with her was kinda uncomfortable but nowhere near as awkward as being alone in the same room with the guy that you have a crush on who happens to be one of your managers.  The last guy I had a crush on, it kinda came on gradually.  It worked itself up until one day I was in full blown like.  This guy, Freaking day one, I looked at him and piece of me stopped mid track just to oogle.  Put that together with repeated interaction with him because we work together and awkward hits a new level that borders on high school but since we're both adults it's like high school in your underwear awkward.  At least for me.  I'm pretty sure he feels NONE of the awkward I feel.  I guess that's good because two awkward people will never have a chance at dating.  They will simply avoid all awkward situations until the other goes away.

It's a quarter to twelve and I'm tired.  Long day.  I just want to sleep.  So I'm going to do that as I have a lot to do tomorrow.  I completely forgot to make my besties bday cake and her party is tomorrow night.  So I will be baking and going to get her gift.  Then going over there.  

Yawn!  Love hugs and hair grease!!

Hmmm...

So we're all used to me not blogging everyday, right?  Good.

The job is going great.  Love my co-workers love the place.  Totally awesome  Not going to overgush about that.  I totally want to though.

Not much to blog about at all really.

Baby died.  Her smoking problem finally caused her to have a heart attack.  Thankfully she made it to the doctor before there was no bringing her back.  Wait... you realize I'm talking about my car right?  The big green baby that resides in my driveway.  Yeah her.  Cost a little over 900 to repair her but that's what I get for getting a Volkswagen.  It's all gravy I love her.  Owe my mom big freaking time for helping to get her fixed.  But now I'm back on the road and it feels so good to ride in my little hooptie.  That's her name now. Hooptie.  Don't get me wrong, I love my moms car who BT dubs is named Jenny like every other car my mom has owned, but I love Hooptie.  She's a lowrider so the few times I'm in my moms car I feel like I'm flying up in the air.  And the acceleration on Jenny is lethal.  I'm passing people on the highway looking at them like "Why in the hell are you going so slow??" Then I look down and see that I'm pulling 90... Oh.  That's all I got was Oh.  But now Hooptie and I are back!  The dream team is back in full effect y'all!

Got my second pizza oven burn last night.  This one was NOT fun at all.  In fact, it still hurts.  Dropped a pan of Cinnamon bread went to catch the bread and the pan lay flat on the back of my hand.  First burn was like "OOH!!  I've been accepted by the oven"  second burn was more on the lines of "Son of a bitch!"

So I'm ready for work.  My hand hurts.  Did i say that?  Pretty sure I said that.  Doesn't stop it from hurting.

Electric bill is due Friday.  Need tips today.  Come on people, if you live in the Sugar creek area order pizza for delivery and tip your driver today!!

Cannot stress that enough.  TIP YOUR DRIVER PEOPLE!  Your drivers make very little when they are out on the road braving idiot drivers to bring you your food.  The least you could do is give them a little something for it.  Gas comes out of our tips.  No tips, no gas.  No gas no food.  Okay, that's a little far because we do get paid but honestly, how much difference is it to you to give your driver two or three dollars for not having to cook your own lunch?  Is it really that awful??  Even when I was just on the customer side of it, i tipped and often tipped well for not having to cook that night.  So tip your driver.  Just do it.  It won't kill you.

Okay off my soapbox for the day.  Bout to head out to work.  Did a bad thing and put creamer in my coffee... don't foresee a pleasant two hours ahead of me.    Toodles!!

My past week.

So I started a new job.  I work at a pizza delivery place.  What can I say about it?  It's awesome!  I love it.  For the first time in a long time I'm enjoying 90% of my life.  That's pretty damn good for me.

I'm no longer caught up on the crush that has dominated a good portion of my life for more than a few months.  I got bold and asked him point blank if he was ever going to ask me and he said no, then basically insulted me.  The sad part is, he didn't know he insulted me.  He's the outdoorsy type and he assumed that because I choose not to partake in outdoorsy things like hiking and fishing and the like that I'm not into the outdoors.  And something about me being disorganized and a homebody...  Whatever, the point was that he insulted me and then made it sound like if I liked all the things he likes, he would ask me out.  Even though I kinda do like most of the things he likes, I don't feel like I should have to prove myself to get a date.  Either you like me enough to take a chance or you don't and he doesn't.  Simple as that.  It was the part where he insulted me that killed the attraction for me though.  I can't be attracted to someone that insults me.  A small part of me wonders from time to time if he will one day realize that he insulted me.... A bigger part of me realizes either he won't, or he won't care.

I'm back to getting my random migraines again.  I have pinpointed the problem though.  They appear nearly everytime I speak with my former mother in law.It's something about the act that I have to put on when I speak to her and the fact that most of the time I'm restraining myself from shouting "Why are you telling me this? I couldn't care less!" at her.  They way she yells at my nieces and sometimes my children bothers the crap out of me.  The fact that in this day and age, she still has no problem lashing out and striking them causes me constant turmoil.  Now I can't say anything about my nieces, but as for my kids, I've already told them.  if she lays a hand on them, they are to lay one right back.  The kind of hitting she does is categorized as child abuse in some places.  And it's not always with her hand, a lot of the time she uses a wooden spoon or whatever is handy.  My Sister in law is a good good woman.  She has way more patience than I do.   I would not be able to sit still if my mother were screaming and sometimes cursing at my children and sometimes more often than not resorting to hitting them.  I just wouldn't.

There's also certain personality traits that annoy me to no end.  A wise woman would find a way to cut this woman out of her life completely, but I'm far from a wise woman.  Far Far FAR from one.  This woman is my children's grandmother, cutting her out of my life would mean cutting her out of theirs and that's not something I'm willing to do.  That's not something I think I'm able to do.

My ex plans on moving to South Carolina this summer.  That's fine.  But his mother lives around the corner from where he lives currently and shes not doing well financially wise.  If he moves the SC, and leaves her in the apartment she's in, her next closest contact is going to me and I don't' have it in me to be her next closest contact.  I just don't.  Most conversations reduce me to battling with a migraine so bad I could burst into tears any second from the pain.  I got one today that took a Tramadol and two Tylenol to tame.  So basically I'm over drugging myself to deal with the angst she raises in me.  That's no bueno.

I was at church tonight and one of my church sister even said I look tired.  I am tired.  I'm tired of everything that has the power to make me feel like less of who I am.  Little by little the bad things in my life are clawing for more space and sadly they are starting to win.  When I get stressed several things happen.  One, I eat.  I've always been a stress eater, No matter what I do I don't see that changing.  The second is I get sick.  I am currently battling the cold of the century.  The third thing is generally, my stomach begins to knot up and everything goes to hell.  It will hurt when I eat which will cause me not to eat which will cause others to worry about me which will cause me to eat to make them stop worrying, which will lead to my stomach hurting and the vicious cylce starts over again.

I am finally getting my life on basic track.  Other than the thing with my xmil, everything is going very well...I just need that one thing to change.  And there's nothing I can ask for help.  If I mention it to my Dr.  She will send me to a therapist who will drug me.  I so don't want to be drugged anymore.  I have actually at this point held sanity and happiness in my hands and I don't want to let it go.  I don't ever want to let it slip away from me.  I am grabbing at it with both hands and I;m not letting go.

As usual it kinda helps to blog it out.  Another thought running free.  To be thought about later.  I'm cheating tonight.  I'm self medicating with vodka.  I know I shouldn't but tonight, I think it'll be okay.  Goodnight bloggers.  See ya in a few days I guess since that seems to be my time scale at the moment.

Stay frosty!!

Citified little twit

That is exactly what I've become.  Bats scare me when they used to fascinate me.  I was that weird kid in my family that actually thought something that could fly in a general straight line while being pretty much blind was wicked cool.  I admit that sleeping outside wasn't one of my favorite activities but I wasn't opposed to it, only at sleep away camp because I seriously was ALWAYS stuck with the girl that collected farts like she was starting a collection, wanted to stay up all damn night talking when we knew we had to be up in the morning, or who just didn't wash... anything.  Who would have a good experience at camp living with those girls.

I did learn some good trade skills though.  I can cook over a campfire.  I don't eat them but I can make one hell of a S'more.  I can sing a variety of Girl Scout themed camp songs really badly, and I learned to identify a few of the plants that would kill me if I were ever to be dropped off in the woods by myself.

Would I survive more than a couple of days if that happened?  It's iffy.  I know that moss grows on the north side of trees and that the sun moves from east to west so I would probably take those two things into account and start walking.  If I can find a stream, I can fish.  If it ever came down to survival, I could learn to clean one of those bad boys or at the very least stick it on a stick over a fire and roast it until it was edible.  I can't hunt.  I know that much.  I will probably never learn to.  Knowing me, I would pretty much try to find the water.  I'm a water baby, when I find it, I'm fine.

When I was a kid, my family owned a lake house and my cousins and I had a good time exploring.  Well, my country cousins anyway.  I have two sets.  Ones that grew up in the country, lived in the country and loved the country, and the other grew up in the city, visited the country onec in a blue moon, and generally hated the country.  I was born in the city but came to the country every summer, every winter, pretty much anytime my mom had a vacation that would not be wasted by spending eight hours in a car to drive to said country.  My grandfather taught me the basics of shooting and I used to walk outside their house when I was young barefoot across the empty fields to look at the deer that grazed.  When I was small they weren't scared of me and I know that somewhere there used to be a picture of me maybe about five or six sitting on the field with deer all around me.  As I got older and the visits got few and farther between, they wouldn't let me come near me but by then most things in the country bored, scared, or annoyed me.

My country cousins also abandoned me.  I was a citified twit.  I was actually called this.  In my normal life I had water from bottles and paved roads, electricity everywhere and my entertainment came from a brightly lit box that had movie pictures.  Their life included drinking water from the stream (yes we did that in the 80's and they did that probably through the 2000's) running and hiking every weekend and sleeping outdoors in hammocks that were pretty much large sheets tied up between trees. And since the channels were rarely cartoons in that area (You had to have a satellite dish to get more than the local channels 3 and 4 and back then satellite  dishes were huge and expensive DirectTV hadn't been founded yet so very few people had them.) they spent most of their times outdoors.

Now my cousins, THEY could survive if you plopped them in unknown woods.  Hell you'd come back for them and they probably would have built a house, started a farm, an irrigation system, and been featured in better treehouses and streams by the time you went back for them.

And I was always and continue to be jealous as shit of them.

In an unrelated but kind of related conversation I had the other night, I was told that I wouldn't enjoy a week long hike.  That it would be painful for me and it just wasn't my lifestyle.  To be honest, I was mad that the person I was talking to that thought that about me, but then I began to wonder, is that really the image I project?  Do people really not see the little girl inside of me that enjoyed that stuff?  Have I really built such a wall around her that not even she can see the stars anymore?  That's horrible.  I think this summer, on the rare weekends that I may be off, I'm going to try and rent a cabin on the local lake here and introduce my girls to the kid I used to be.  They're going to learn that the world isn't necessarily connected by WiFi signals and cell towers.

They're too young and there aren't any around here but I would really like to camp out by a lake with a waterfall so that I could have the experience of bathing beneath one.  Maybe when I get out west.

It's weird when someone says one thing that causes you to think about the person you've become over the person you used to be.  It's even more disturbing when that same person causes you to actually not like the person you are now because you miss the person you were.

I have some thinking and some planning to do but not right this second because I have work tonight (I never thought I would get to say that again) and I have to figure out why the bottom of my abdomen hurts like all holy hell.  I went to bed with it and honestly don't even remember going to bed.  I just woke up in bed and don't remember getting in or laying down.    It's okay though, tonight is mostly sitting.  So I'll pop a Tram or some tylenol and be okily dokily!

Stay Frosty Bloggers!