Well, I tried...

I tried to do the healthy thing by cutting all pork and most beef out of my households diet but as it is with all children, my kids proved to me that best laid plans usually go to crap when kids are involved...

And I admit it wasn't just they and their cohorts that tanked the idea.  I had a hand in it too.  Like the pork.  Dammit I want bacon.  Woman was not meant to go cold turkey from bacon.  I mean really??  I thought I could do that??? What in the world was running across my mind??

The beef was a whole nother story.  I didn't really crave that although I'm more than sure my kids did.  They asked for a hamburger more than a few times.

And why they asked, I'll never know.  I called the school and asked them to disable the code that they use to get food.  I mean I was all in favor of fixing home lunch and sending it with them but I was told right off that that wasn't an option.  No way, no how, no doing.  I also learned that my kids had absolutely no problem getting all the sweets, juices, beef, and pork products they were being denied at home.  In one day alone, my son managed to get a sausage biscuit with bacon (Gotta love Southern schools) cupcakes, juice, cinnamon rolls, cookies, and a double hamburger for breakfast and lunch.

Really CMS??  But yet you turn around and tell us parents that 50% of todays kids are overweight.  Seems to me that parents are doing everything we can to keep you from declaring our kids obese and you are doing every single thing you can do to spit in our faces and keep the weight gain on the up trend.

My son is 65 lbs over weight currently.  Well maybe not that number exactly because he has been running at football like a little gopher.  I like his coach.  Coach Nard understands that I don't have a male role model in my kids life right now and he's happy to step in so far as giving the boy a helping hand.  It doesn't hurt that his idea of whipping a boy into line is to have him run until his feet fall off. 


So tomorrow I will be able to go grocery shopping again and I think I am going to get the stuff that we like.  I won't be getting the pound of shrimp... It didn't go over well the last time I cooked it, lol!

So my mother is on her way to come pick up up for football practice. 

Migraine Monologues Day 2

Every now and then I have migraines that render me absolutely no good to the human populous.  This is day two of one of those times.

It doesn't help that I'm seriously overthinking life and all it's many facets.

But then hell, you know me... When and I not over thinking shit?

It's not that I'm a masochist that likes giving myself massive headaches that cause me to want to climb water towers and shoot people that look like the person I am over thinking shit about. I don't actually know why I do it.

Dreams also play a really big part in my migraines.  When my head is all happy and nice my dreams are shall we say.. nice.  Yes that casts a pretty light on the stuff running through my unconcious mind.  When I have a migraine I can't shake, Oh boy!  You don't want to be trapped in my head cause there's a good chance you won't make it out alive.  It takes a good person to admit that.  I do'nt care if you did something as little as not texting me, I will kill you in my dreams.  It will be harsh, you will have no idea why and I won't do any talking.

And OMG, I'm watching POC:At World's End and I just figured out that the song at the beginning is about Tia Dalma and the pirates council... How freaking clueless am I???  Wow...

So I got my nose pierced.  We covered that yesterday.  It freaking itches!!!  I mean come on!!! My nose was the most non itching part of my body and now it itches all the damn time.  And if it's not itching, it's hurting!  So okay last night I caught it on my shirt and OH MY GOD!  That pain rivaled waking up after my c section.  Holy cow.

I think that's what took the pain in the head from nagging to migraine. 

I'm still not taking it out.  I like it.  I think I look awesome.  When I get my braids... Watch out now!  No more sitting at home.  No more dry spell!!!

Who the hell plays the NFL fairy?  I know the face but IDK what team he's on.  I want to say Dion Sanders but nah...

Okay rambling scatter thoughts aside, I'm signing out..

Oh another random thought.  I need eggs.  I only have one and I want to make Chocolate Chip cookies.

OKay.  See ya!

Obligatory Birthday blog...

Wow, I made that sound like a chore, didn't I??  I didn't mean to. I always try to blog for my birthday.  Usually on or as close to it as I can do so soberly.

Trust me, this weekend, you did not want me to blog.  Then again as I sit here reading the comments from my facebook this afternoon, I realize that that point has been driven home way more succinctly already.  Dear technology, the second you see me pick up a cup or glass with anything that came from a clear glass bottle in it, shut down.  Save yourself...

Snort... yeah right.

So I spent the whole weekend with Patty and Joe.  So I actually need to say the word awesome?  Cause I'm pretty sure that there's a better word... Superkalafragalisticxpalidocious comes to mind and oh damn that actually hurt.  I mean really.  That word squeezing out of the lake my brain has now been reduced to... OW!!!

So I got my nosed pierced.  I have been wanting to for a long LONG time and I finally did it.  I am so so happy that I did it.

Not to be the vain peacock I feel like at the moment but oh my God, I think I look awesome. 

Does it make sense that I feel like this was an act of defiance?  I don't know why, but I do.

I also want another tattoo but I will do that another day.

So Patty took me in and I kinda freaked for a minute but I signed the paper and went in the room.  The lady said to breathe deep and let it out when ready.  I missed the when ready part.  So I took the deep breath and immediately.  She said do it again.  I did and I think this time I might have relaxed a little bit but not enough.  She said one more time.  This time I was letting out the breath and WHAM! OH MY GOD!!  I screamed.  In my mind it was a short little yelp, but uhm... nope.  I screamed.  Apparently loud enough to startle a woman in the waiting area.  Pardon while I laugh a little bit.

But whatever, I like the new look.  I'm pretty sure there are others that won't but oh well, they'll adjust.

So I hopped on the computer last night.  All in all it wasn't too bad of an idea.  The texting is what did me in.  I sent texts to the one person I probably shouldn't have but it's done.  I don't know whats wrong with me.

So yeah, the weekend was awesome!  I think I learned to play poker... wait no, no I didn't.  I pretended to know what I was doing.  By the way, bluffing doesn't always work.

Hanging out is fun.  I'm glad I get to do it every now and then.  I'm glad that I made the decision to keep doing it whenever its feasible.  I need to get out, I need to meet people, I need to have fun. 

I want to start dating. 

Yes you read that right.  I want to start dating.  Despite my promise to myself, I am not ready to give up on finding mr Right.  I am however going to stop looking.  He'll show up.  I have a feeling he will.  As for my blurb on facebook last night,  I gave up on something totally different.  Something that I should have given up on a long time ago and I'm working on it but fuck it, you only live once.

So there it is, the birthday blog.

My thoughts aren't scattered today.  They are drying out so this is it.  TTYL everyone!

BIrthdays...

So I've decided to start the celebration to my birthday a little early... the problem with this is, my version of celebrating alone is finishing the little bit of alcohol I have been hoarding in my freezer and dammit!  I under estimated how much a little was...  SO now... I'm sitting here thinking about people that Don't think about me and don't give a fuck and I'm wondering why the hell do I still count them as close to me.  I blame the booze. 

I always blame the booze but here's the funny thing the booze only make things that have been buried in my brain get control of my mouth.  So I'm glad that I am not actually around people right now.

You know what?? I am so fucking tired of being ignored.  I have been ignored all of my life.

I have.  And the saddest part is when I had the chance to stand up and shout "Hello!!  Do you not see me?  Are you fucking blind?? Do you not see the big black heifer in the room?? I didn't.  I smiled and nodded and let other take the day away.

I am fat, and I'm not pretty.  I have a nice smile and I can cook and I seem to have the patience of the angels but I don't.  I listen to everyone elses problems but I never burden anyone with mine.  Not that I have problems.  You have to be noticed to have problems.

Damn booze.  I don't want to feel these feelings.  I want them to stay hidden inside so that I can hide the pain I feel like I always do.  I'm so good at hiding. 

Funny thing, I... I... forgot what what I was going to say....

I am not going to cry on this birthday.  I am determined.  I am decided.  It's my birthday and I'm not going to cry.  So don't make me.

Hehe, I wonder who will say the trigger words this year that will have me blubbering like an idiot.  I have a feeling but I'm praying to every holy diety that They don't even bother.  I don't think they will.  I kinda pray they won't.

Please God, make my birthday about me.  Please?  Can I have one anniversary of my Twenty fifth birthday that doesn't suck shit?  Just one?  I promise to actually age if you make this one a decent one.

Aww hell. I'm tired.

So hmmm....

Wow, bloggies, can you believe it??  In just a nine (well technically 8 since it's almost tomorrow) days I will be celebrating the 7th anniversary of my 25th birthday!!!

Don't laugh, you all have a number you're holding onto like a person on the side of a cliff.  25 is my number.

Besides, I don't want to turn 32.  32 means it's over.

See, a long time ago, I promised myself two things.  The first being that I was NEVER going to need prescription feel good drugs again.  I did my time in Zoloftland and I refuse to go back to a state of mind where I know deep down something is very wrong but the drugs make the rational part of my brain think everything is hunky dory.  No Zoloft, No nebutal, no nothing.

The second thing being that if I hadn't found love by the 32nd year of my life, I was going to give up.  Just plain give up.

See the way I see it, I don't want to be one of those old women out there looking for love.  Not that there's anything wrong with it, I admire them for hanging on and I congratulate the ones that find it.  I think that's awesome but I don't want to be the person in their forties still going out on dates.  I want to be married again.  I want someone with all the nasty habits that wives world wide hate.  I might even want to look into expanding my family and I don't want to be the woman that's pregnant at forty something.  Then I will never be able to enjoy any kind of life after diapers.

Oh stop looking at me like that.

I just really want to fall in love.  And, while it would be awesome to have it, I don't really need that Wham!  Knock you off your feet kind of love.  I just want that warm sit at home and cuddle on the couch kind of love.  The one where your belly tingles because you know that that person is one his way home and he's going to smile when he walks through the door simply because you're there.  I know, I know... cheesy as hell, but dammit, I want cheesy.  I want funny, I want, tingly, I want all those teenage puppy love feelings and I want life.

And then theres the sexual side of it too... I've gone to bed by myself far too many nights for my comfort.  It's been four years since my separation/divorce and maybe 14 years since a man held me in his arms and even my sneakers felt like he wanted me. 

I went out with this guy in college once.  I met him on the train on my way down to school for summer school.  He was cute, he was funny, he was nice to me and lord!  I thought the damn seats in the rail car we were sitting in were going to catch on fire the way he looked at me.  So you know of course I told him what dorm I was staying in since I went to one of those colleges that has a guard at the gate but dammit he never stopped anyone.  He came to my dorm, he picked me up.  And you know what, even though he took me to McDonalds and paid for the shit with a fifty and then took me to see Woo (BTW Why, Jada?? Why??")  I felt like wow! (Keep in mind that I was 18 and very VERY innocent. Okay well sort of innocent.  Dammit not innocent at all but I played a good damn game.  Nah I'm just playing.  Except for one very bad event in my teen years there was very little to make me think that men were the scurge of the earth yet)  Tell you the truth, I don't even remember much of Woo (Why, Jada?? Why??) except a chicken costume... We were kinda busy and we would have continued it if I hadn't had the ONE dorm monitor that sat in the freaking lobby waiting for her girls to come home. ( Oh I wanted to join the slapahoe tribe that night)

Sadly enough the next time I saw him was after Randy and I had gotten "Engaged" and I was feeling a little loyal so I told the guy and that was it. 

Looking back now I really wish I could go back and kick myself and say run with this!!  See where this guy is going to take you.

I wish I could go back to a lot of moments in life. 

But I digress... I'm off my point...

I want to get married.  I want to be with someone.  Someone that loves me someone that understands me.. wait no, he doesn't exsist.  No one can understand me...

Whatever. 

So anyway, birthday plans... I am getting my nose pierced.  I am not backing out this time.  I am going to get it done.  And then I am going to get piss ass drunk so that for about three hours of my life I don't feel the brand new hole in my face.  Hah!  Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to hurt like hell and I believe them but I still want it.  I'll just have to woman up and take it.  Of course I could get another tat.  Much less pain and I think I'd look good with a tramp stamp...

Hehe let's see how well that one goes over on facebook...

ROFL!!

So okay, I have my good mood marginally back again and that means I must needs say farewell for the time being!!!

More scatter thoughts later!!

Well, It wasn't a shit storm, but I don't think it's finished yet...

Why is it that when you really want something in the mail it takes forever, but when you either couldn't care less if it gets there ever or are having second thoughts about something you've mailed, It seems to grow wings and fly from your hand their box??

As you can probably guess, the girlfriend's mother got my letter this morning.

What I was expecting was for her to call her daughter and in turn call the ex and have him bitch at me. (Which would have turned ugly probably) OR for her to call her daughter who still has my number because the ex used to call me from her phone when she wasn't looking who would in turn call me to bitch at me (Which wouldn't have gone anyway except to tone.  I feel our confrontation coming in a different forum and face to face.  I don't know why but I do.) 

What I didn't expect with any real degree of probability, was the girlfriend's mother calling me directly. I mean I know that she had to call her daughter to get my number but whatever.

So she called and first off I apologized because I realized AFTER I mailed the letter that Randy had probably never told her my feeling towards being called Grandma or whatever.  That out of the way, I prepared for an assualt.  What I got was a half and hour or having God crammed down my throat.  You can imagine how much I listened to that.   It was either fight that or go about my normal morning duties alternately mumbling "yeah" or "uh huh" when there was a pause.  I chose the latter.

I did however give her my full attention when she told me that, like her with her daughters' fathers' families, we will all be friends and maybe one day I will bring my children up to visit her should the ex never return from New Mexico.

I am so glad that my phone had a acessable mute button.  So glad.   I said such words that made my cat hide but I know she heard nothing because she kept right on talking.

She then mentioned their brother through their father (Their family has an expression, "Show which part of him/her is your half and then you can call them your half brother/sister" It's cute.  And since their fathers family collects members like the Bronx zoo, I'll not object to the boy begin just their brother.  I have no wish to harm an innocent child)  I told her he would always be welcome to come visit his siblings with his father, but I would most likely not be mixing my family with him. (It's more upbringing than anything else.  Even if he had come to my children's' family by more up and up means, I wouldn't have brought him around my family.  It's just not how its done in my hood.)  She wanted to know what he would call my mother.  Now I couldn't tell her the likelihood of them ever being in the same room as each other unless through some very uncontrollable circumstances was slim to none so I simply said that seeing as her first name started with a J as well, she would probably want to be call Mrs. J since my children have a special name for her. 

Small aside:  I realize that I should not be the one asking this given the whole issue but what if I marry someone with kids?  If their mother feels the same way I do about the Grandma thing, what would she have them call her???  I can honestly say that being that I have gone through this already, I would ask the mother what she thought was an appropriate name especially if it so happened that all the kids cohabited at some point.  I would allow my kids to call my new husbands parent whatever they want but not the grand parents of their new brothers and or sisters.  And I think they would feel the same.

So I guess finally she might have realized that she could preach at me as much as she wanted it wasn't going to budge me, we agreed to Mrs. J and left it open for another name in the future.  Future in my case being when they are adults.

I really don't think this is finished.  I think I am going to go through all three of them before this is over.  The ex I can handle.  The GF I can hang up on but I know that won't be satisfying enough to her and she will keep trying.  If she tries.  Big if.  Well not that big but still...

Sigh, bloggers.  It's hard being me because I think I was raised with much stricter values of right and wrong and it's outlaying if's and but's than most people.  I know that sometimes on some subjects I sound like a racist bigot but it's who I am.  It's not likely to change very much.  I will always have one view of what a family is that differs from someone elses.

Well, I'll keep you posted. 

You know is it just me or have the scattered thoughts from an unorganized mind become increasingly straightforward and the mind slightly organized...?  Hmmm

So today...

I did three things. Well technically four.

The first I re-arranged my entire living room. NO kidding I did. I know it's really not that exciting an action especially for those people who know I am apt to re-arrange a room simply because I can't find the remote but still it was something I was proud of and I wanted to tell everyone... Now I'm all sad and moody... forget it!! I don't wanna tell anymore...

Sniff...

Okay I'm over it. It looks pretty, so I'm happy.

My second feat today was that I caught a mouse!! A real live mouse. A baby and obscenely easy to catch because the poor little guy was so confused because Mommy is obviously not around to feed him but, still I caught him. For a moment, I was tempted to release him out into the great outdoors particularly around the house of the woman up the street because he was so little but then I remembered the mouse that the boy so kindly let go months ago and how the fucker came back and grew and obviously had babies and I flushed his adorable little tail down the toilet.

The third is that I have now gone basically two whole days without texting to the person I talked about in my other blog.  If you didn't read it, don't worry about it, it's not important.  The fact that I have not actually picked up the phone to say hello is awesome to me.  I means I have will power.

Now the fourth is a little tricky.  IDK if anyone remembers it but a few weeks ago I had a little issue with my ex husbands girlfriends mother wanting to be called grandmother.  I had it posted on facebook and even before that I had a blog about it.  The blog was forgettable because it was just an irk then the Facebook status was deleted because I was potty mouthed for no good reason... (it was NOT deleted because I didn't like what people had commented on it.  I don't actually give a rats turd what people think of this particular situation because it's a very personal one that isn't going to be and cant be changed by peoples opinions of it.)  But, it's whatever.

The situation is as thus:  The ex's girlfriend's mother wants my children to call her G'ma.  Short for grandmother or whatever.  Most people don't have a problem with something like that but you see most people didn't go through what I did.  The girlfriend wrote letters to a married man.  She slept with a legally married man, and lived with him when he was still legally married. An adulterer is an adulterer is an adulterer.  You can dress them up however you want but the shit still stinks.  Part of our divorce agreement was that the ex not have her anywhere around my children.  I don't trust her character and don't want her set up as any kind of example to my kids good or bad.  The ex ignored my wishes and had her living with him in VA when he had my kids and I reminded him of that agreement then.  His response was to tell the kids to not talk about what goes on in Daddy's house.  Then he moved down to NC to live with her.  And despite every hard hearted part in my body I let the kids visit because the alternative was making him come down here each and every time to see his kids which if you ever met him, you would know that it would eventually turn bad for my kids.

The first time my kids came home and called the girlfriends sister their new aunt I corrected them gently and told them that her family is not their family save the child that she and their father had together.  The next time they came home they sat in front of my mother and told them all about their new grandmother.  If you had seen the hurt in my mother face when they said that, you would have wept.  It was bad and reminded them that their father's girlfriend's family was not their family.  And I suggested that they call her Mrs. J.  It was respectful as well as slightly personal.  I also asked the ex to relay the message that I didn't want her to have my children call her grandma because she wasn't.  He said he would but he also said it in that dismissive tone that he gets when he just wants me to shut up.

There were no more occurrences of mentioning that family again until the other day when I open my mailbox and find that each of the children have gotten a letter from the girlfriend's mother.  This was actually fine with me until I noticed that she signed each and every one of them "Love G'ma"

I got past the fact that she spoke in her letter to my children like they were he blood grandchildren and to be honest that kinda of touched me a little.  But the fact that she still wants to be called Gma after I expressly asked she not ground my gears all the way down to the bone.  I mean ground them, broke them, and scattered the dust.

So I called the ex.  On one phone, no answer.  On the other cell phone I left a message.  I even waited a day for him to get the message.  I have heard nothing.  So I did what  probably should have done in the first place.  I sat down and I wrote the mother a letter.

It took a little while and more than a few drafts to work out my anger on paper from the written steel toed kick in the face it started out to be to the explanative missive it ended up as, but I'm more than sure it's going to cause a Shitstorm of a monstrous proportion.    I'm sure that she's going to tell the girlfriend who is going to in turn call the ex, who is going to in turn call me.  I am going to hold to my guns, however.  I tried to do this the coochy coochy way.  I really tried.  Bloggers I even hel my tounge when the girlfriend called me a year ago and told me that no matter how we met, we all have children by my ex and we need to be one big family that gets along.  I made a comment about a certain religion back then that I based on a television show that I was fond of but I offended someone who set me straight.  I will not make that mistake again.  But regardless, we are not a big family.  OUr kids belong to an ever growing family of people who think that no matter if you stood before god or judge to pledge your life to someone it's okay to go out and procreate with someone without the need of getting rid of the person you swore to be with.

What?? You think that it was just me that my ex did this to?  No his grandfather did it to his grandmother, his father did it to his mother and he did it to me.  I can't speak for the son he has with the girlfriend but I can assure you my son will not step into his fathers shoes and continue the tradition.

So I know that some people out there will tell me to chill out or calm down and or ask what is the big deal.  The big deal is that I have different character standards than that of other families and in my upbringing you don't mix shit with sugar.  This meaning, if she had slept with him, lived with him, and had a baby with him AFTER we were divorced instead of being one of the major reasons we got divorced I would have no problem with her or her family wanting to be apart of my kids life.  I still wouldn't like the whole G'ma thing but it wouldn't grind my gears so badly.  But the fact remains that she was a major player in my divorce and the events that led up to it.  She  did sleep with my husband before he was my ex husband, and she  did have a baby by him when he was still legally married.  Three of us caused the home my children knew and the life they lived to be uprooted.  I admit that.  I also know that even though the split and divorce would have most likely happened had she not entered the picture it wouldn't have been so nasty.  HE and I had our differences and they were bound to end the marriage that actually never should have been but her presence in the whole debacle made it so much worse that a part of me will never ever forgive either one of them.

Like I said.  my feelings can't be and won't be changed by what others say or think.  This is very personal to me and as you are entitled to your opinions, I am not bound to change mine because of yours.  Apologies if that sounds harsh but oh well.

So that's my day.  The thoughts are off and running in the blog yard.  Have a good night!!

More scattered thoughts from a highly unorganized mind another time!!

Lazy Sunday....

So Mommy called last night and said that she really needed a lazy Sunday so church was off. At least for us. Wow, I can almost feel the looks of scorn from my very religious friends. Haha no I can't but I know that disappointed someone....

So I'm having a lazy Sunday. I'm on my computer a little bit and I'm in my bed mostly. And other than getting up to check my gourmet ranch and spend time with my babies, I'm going to catch up on my television watching. The kids are catching up on their wii.

I love Lazy Sundays. They are awesome. They rock!

My brain is so totally on pause and I think I like the feeling right now. More scattered thoughts later!

Hey there!

...So for awhile nothing new huh? Well there were some new developments but that's been developed and done. I hung that picture on the wall and have stared at it so much I broke it, ha ha.

I make jokes but in a way it kinda hurts.. But then I always make jokes to make the pain ebb.

So for a hot second I had some lovin' in my life. Doesn't matter who I did or didn't tell. It's a ghost matter right now.

The problem is, I'm not sure that it was ever meant to be anything long term or what. I've only dated Randy so uh... kinda fuzzy on relationships and the mechanics. Whatever. I've got one problem. I've got this feeling that keep nagging at me...

Yeah, have no clue what the feeling is. It's actually kind of annoying, really. IDK I mean, I keep my phone fully charged like night and damn day in case he texts and I get this happy jumpy and lemme tell ya, horribly annoying feeling in my stomach when he does. If I am in another room and have actually let my newest body part stay in my bedroom or where ever for more than five minutes, I practically have phantom limb syndrome. But at the same time, I'm pretty sure it's now just a friendship and well... Can I say I feel like it just might be slowly killing me.

Okay that is a very grandiose exaggeration of it but you understand. That flowery, sickeningly happy jumpy feeling in my stomach becomes a steel toed boot that's kicking hard. Here's the odd thing. I could say this is all one horrible crush but it's not kicking my heart, it's kicking my lungs.

I mean, WTF?? Someone wanna enlighten the girl who is new to this world of having a guy actually talk to her? I mean I should take what I can get and run with it. Right?? Am I right??

Good freaking Lord. the feeling is annoying. What the feeling turns into is annoying. the fact that I am living this but have no clue what it is annoying.

And OMG my air conditioner is freezing me to death, hang on I'm going to turn it down... Okay back...brrr...

So in high school I had major massive crushes that took hold and regardless of the fact that he, whoever he was that year was either clueless or fully aware of my *love* (and I use that term so very loosely you'd swear I had butter in my hands) I held on relentlessly. Freshman year of high school there were two. The trumpet and the drummer... Oooh the drummer... sorry flashback. Sophomore year was the saxophone and the trumpet player. No flashbacks there. Junior year... hmmm... obviously he was forgettable whoever he was and senior year... now that was a landmark year. I set my little heart so high on the social ladder I couldn't even see it anymore. I *loved* two of the classes biggest socialites. That year they both knew. I know this for a fact. One of them even thanked me for the tons of secret admirer cards I stuck in his locker in my yearbook....yeah...

See? I have no clue how to handle anything with the opposite sex. You guys!! Help!! I feel a serious repeat of high school happening and I feel like I'm on that runaway train that you see in stupid old comedies where they try to hit the brake and it pops off and then they try the anchor and the chain breaks and they keep careening down the hill...

Yeah okay, now I'm blathering. Sorry but you know I tend to do that when I'm picturing the tremendous wreck that's going to happen.

Oh yeah, another hilarious anecdote. About three weeks ago, I had a major and I mean MAJOR mental breakdown and almost called him (Gasp) to tell him that once my kids came home we'd be done. No shit I did. My two besties in like the world quashed that one in the ass. Really quashed. I had convinced myself that I'm not worth the time it would have taken to be with me. Funny huh? For once my insecurities might have actually saved my ass but I'm going to have to wait until Cupid puts me at the top of a mountain with a rail car and no brakes to find out. of course seeing whats happened, my besties are probably going to let me tank that one and it will be the worst thing I ever do and I will be mad that I followed my instincts.

Frack!! Why can't life come with a manual? Why must everything be so damn difficult? I'm pretty sure I asked that awhile ago in another post.

So tonight I'm not going to stay on the computer all night. I'm actually going to do what I need to do and then go read in bed and call it a virtual night. I have church tomorrow and I am determined to stay awake this Sunday.

I still want to scream obscenities...

Okay. Good night my loves. Happy blogging and happy living. More scattered thoughts from a highly unorganized mind later!!

Annoyed.... Grr...

So it's raining outside and I am spectacularly annoyed at the moment.  NO, I'm not annoyed at the rain... How can you be annoyed at rain?  Psht!.

I'm annoyed at the ex's girlfriend's mother and family.  They seem to want to see just how black I can really get...

When he first moved in with her and my kids started going up to stay with him (and consequently her), I didn't balk.  I grew up and figured sooner or later if he was living with her, my kids would have to spend time around her.  True I thought then and to some point still do, think that she's a home wrecking bitch but that's besides the point. 

Anyway, my kids came home last Christmas telling me that they had a "new Grandmother".  THis annoyed me and it hurt my mother.  I mean really hurt her.  I exaplined then that their father's girlfriend's mother was not their grandmother and it was very hurtful to their actual grandmothers to say she was their grandmother.  Regardless of how other families do it, this woman was not their grandmother.

Aside here for a second.  I know several people who have grandmothers who aren't really their grandmothers.  To quite truthful, the woman I call my Grandmother was in reality my aunt but that's another story for another day.  I also know that sometimes when your parents marry another faily the new parent's parents tend to become people's grandmothers.  Thats fine too but they are grandparents to the married in kids because they act like grandparents.

This woman never calls  (Although I can't really say that I would allow or disallow this.  It's never been tried) She doesn't send them birthday cards she doesn't seem to care about their well being when they are away from her.  IMO a real grandmother (step, adopted or blood) at least cares about her grandchildren when they aren't there.  When I asked nicely why this woman insists on my children calling her grandma the explanation given to me was she didn't want to confuse the baby.  He's freaking one!!!  I don't think that as he grows up and sees that his half brothers (I don't actually emphasize the half as much as I am here.  He's their brother half or not) and sisters aren't calling his grandmother Grandma, he'll ask and he'll be told and I'm pretty sure he'll be perfectly fine with the answer.

Maybe I'm over reacting.  Maybe I'm being a little bit harsh.  Whatever, It just seems to me that she wants the title from my kids for stupid reasons and regardless of how the grandmother GOD gave them feels or my wishes, she's going to go ahead and insist on this just to get her way.  I think it's sick and wrong and I think the time is fast approaching when I am going to have to go and tell her to her face. 

Another aside, the ex's gf's father does not want my kids to call him grandpa.  according to my kids he said, "They aren't my grand kids.  They can call Mr.(First initial of his name I forgot what it is) but they don't need to call me Grandpa or pop pop."

Now why can't he get his wife to think like that...