Well... he's back...

I've been sitting here debating whether or not to actually blog about the mystery guy for the main reason that I don't actually know who is reading my blog.  I.E. by some weird twist of fate most foul, the guy that I have had a crush on for the better half of a year might read this and think I'm talking about him.

And it would be awesome if the man that has haunted my dreams for years upon years turned out to actually be him but I'm sure now, that it's not him.

Other dreams slip away as soon as I wake up and other dreams leave in large chunks but Nearly every single dream starring my mystery man has stayed on.

Last night we were at a mall.  I don't know what mall I know that I have been there before in my dreams but I don't think in real life.  The beginning is a little confounded.  My Mom was in a doctors office and my mother in law dropped the kids off to me in the car outside the mall which was also outside of the doctors office and the she said to me that my daughter K hadn't been feeling well.  So Mom gets in the car and I wheel around for a better parking spot at the mall and when she asks why I told her that there was a fast food restaurant selling whole baked chickens 3 for ten bucks.  And I take the kids inside and leave her sitting in the car.  I don't know why I just did.

Somehow we ended up at an Emergency room in the mall that was run by what I want to say were Chinese people but I don't know.  They operated out of one of those doors that half opens and they took Kay in and closed the door.  (I'm scared as hell that something is about to happen to my daughter) but in the dream I go to a hair supply store.  What I was looking for, I have no idea.  I don't know how long I was in there either but I do know a buzzer/beeper like the ones you get at restaurants when you are waiting on your table started lighting up and I went back to the half door where I was given K back.  She is a 13 yr old as tall as me don't ask me how they gave her back through the door, I can't tell you.  Then we went on our quest for the baked chicken and ended up at a McDonalds.

While my kids are harassing the people at the counter, I'm sitting at a table and watching when a man behind me starts to talk to me.  I never turned to see his face but the voice was like an old friend.  It made me feel safe and warm and loved.  Eventually he came to sit in front of me but here's the kicker.  The POV switched from mine to his.  Suddenly I was looking at myself through his eyes and I didn't look fat, or trying too hard to be cute, I looked like what I am: Just a woman.  And even I thought I looked pretty.  I had this glow around me that almost made me sparkle like The Cullens in sunlight.  He sat there and talked to me about my day and then he took my hand and told me "I'll be there soon.  I want you to know that I'm trying to get to you but everytime I think I'm close there's a roadblock in my way."  And I told him that I would be here waiting.  He then told me that I have no idea how much he loves me.  He wished he could show me; he wished he could show me.  And then he did something that I'm not sure he's done ever: we both stood up and he just held me.  Not tight, not in a sexual way, just stood there, and held me. And suddenly I was back in my body and all my feelings of resentment, and strain, and stress were gone.  I felt nothing but happy, safe, and loved for that one moment and then he said he had to go and I watched his back as he walked away.  He's still tall.  But not so much taller than me. He's lost weight since I last saw him because he's thinner from the back. Sandy light brown or dark blonde hair that's cut but not short short and he was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt.

He doesn't have an accent anymore.  I take that to mean that he's from down here as the Southern accent doesn't stand out to me anymore. Once in the past he had a British accent but I had just finished a movie set in England so that might have had something to do with it.  Most other times he's had a twang or a Southern accent.  Last night he was just talking and there was no accent that stood out.

And as I watched him walk away, there was no crying, no longing or holding out my hand to pull him back, because he said he'd be here soon and that's what I clung to.

And then my kids came back from the counter with the manager who looked like Idris Elba and I woke up because my mother in law was calling me.

I am a good girl who believes in God and all that I *supposed* to believe in but I can't understand why it is that I can't find this guy or that he apparently can't find me in any other place than my crazy ass dreams.  Why does He let me develop crushes on men but make it so that they don't want me.  Being alone sucks ass.  I might as well be the freaking Sahara Desert because no one wants to be here.

Maybe his appearing is to shore me up since Valentines days is quickly approaching.  It will be here in exactly one month from today and there is no way in hell that anyone is going to ask me out.  I'm not that lucky.

Where are you mystery guy?  Next time we dream meet can you tell me what roadblocks are in your way?  Maybe I can help you get through them.  It's more than I want you.  I need you.  I think you are the safety line that keeps me from spinning off into full blown crazy but the rope is starting to fray.

Ugh, blogging didn't help and I still never got my baked chicken!

Stay Frosty Bloggers.  Or stay frosty out there because I'm about to turn up the heat here. Ciao!

What has television sunk to...?

So I'm sitting here watching this new TLC show called 90 day fiancee.  These American guys have at one point in their lives traveled and met these Russian girls and they fell in love and have been communicating for about six months to a year.  Now the girls have obtained 90 day visas to America and they have to get married in that time or be deported.

The first thing I want to say is Shame on you TLC.  I have said that before.  I said that when they came out with Breaking Amish because those people had not been practicing the faith they were professing to leave for at least ten years by the time the show started.  TLC is exploiting Americans and assuming right off that we are all ignorant and just plain stupid.  They further assumed we were when they came out with Amish Mafia.  But I digress...

Seriously?  How do you spend a few days with someone and then a year online and decide you want to be married?  That kind of commitment takes serious work.

Say I met and fell in love with a guy from the country.  I am a serious city girl.  Cannot tell you how serious I am about being in or near the city.  If and I mean if anything jumped off between us, I would have to go out to his element to see if I have a total nervous breakdown at the screech of a bat or the howl of a coyote.  Provided that after a night in the country, I wasn't stark raving mad, we might try for a weekend.  Then I would have to do some type of vacation with him.  All factors have to be explored before the choice of marriage even comes up.  He has to interact with my kids, my family, my friends. I have to interact with his family, his friends.  Because I believe that a wife should be the religion her husband is, I would need to go to his church to make sure I am comfortable. It's just so many factors.

There is no way that I could "Get to know" someone over the internet only.  And even if that were possible, I could not fly to a separate country and cram what should be a year of dating or more into 90 days and conclude it with a wedding. And there's no way that I could do it on television.

One of these girls is highly upset that her "Fiance" is a Mormon that lives with his parents.  First off, I applaud the Mormon religion for abstaining from sex until after marriage.  That's a good way to ensure that there aren't any oopsies.  He explained to the viewing audience why he still lives with his parents.  He works on an oil rig or something like that and is rarely hime.  It makes no sense for him to pay for a place of his own.

First of all on that.  If you are rarely home, why are you looking to get married? You aren't ever there and you are bringing this poor girl from another country and expect that she stays completely faithful to you while you are away for weeks at a time?  Do you think that after you've forced your decision to do this on your parents that it's going to be a happy happy joy joy situation at home while you are gone?  No, mom and dad are going to try hard to adjust to this person that doesn't speak their language but calls them mom and dad.

Second of all, the fact that you are very secure in your faith and okay with not sleeping with her until you are married and she says outright to you that you should forget your religion just one night and sleep with her.  That she wants you and she doesn't want to wait doesn't raise any flags?  Really?  Right there that says to me that in about three weeks from the night you give in, she is going to come up pregnant and you are going to be trapped.  Run dude!  Run!  So then you work out a thing where you now have an apartment with her but again you are clinging to your faith and your best friend is going to share the living room with you while she sleeps upstairs and she's not the least bit happy that you both are out of your parents house because you still won't sleep in the bed with her. RUN, Forrest! RUN!

I didn't even keep up with the other guy and his girlfriend slash wife to be.  All I see in this show is a couple of god digging foreign women and some stupid as hell men.  I realize that this how our race gets diversified but there's got to be a better way.

I mean these are just my thoughts/  Am I biased that even these women that I perceive to be gold diggers can land a man and I still can't, yes.  I freely admit that I am.  I am biased, I am jealous, I am green with envy.  That doesn't change the fact that I think the whole premise of this show is shit.

Ah whatever!  Good night Bloggers.  Sleep tight.

Rice Cakes and coffee....

Good morning bloggers!

Despite everything, it IS a good morning.  I woke up. I'm breathing, my kids are alive. The world is spinning, and there will be sunshine for the Panthers to play this afternoon.

I'm not a Panther fan per se, but I DO live in Charlotte and they are the local team and their colors are kinda okay so I guess I'm cheering for them today.  Besides, it's been almost 20 years since I rooted for the 49ers to win anything.  I only championed them in high school because a boy that I liked then and I was trying to get in good with him.  It didn't work.

Personally I think that football is one huge game of overpriced catch but far be it from me to down it for anyone else. If I were to ever find a guy and he wanted to spend Sunday afternoons in front of the tele watching the game, I'd make him snacks and then go about my business. It's a man's thing in my opinion. (Of course this didn't stop me from totally knocking down the other girls when I have to play powderpuff football in high school.  No clue what position I played I just know they tossed me the ball and I ran... sorta like Forrest Gump...)

So I'll not say I'm excited for the game because in reality I'm not but it would be awesome if they win.  This would spur the city to really make serious improvements to Bank of America Stadium.  They've wanted the Super bowl here for years and the Panthers making it to the bowl is just the inspiration they need to get on it. Let me tell you, if it ever happens and I'm still living in a house and the superbowl comes to Charlotte, I am so renting out my house for a week.  They say you can make like a grand a night.  Yes, I'm an opportunist like that.

So anyway, I'm sitting here drinking coffee and eating rice cakes.  They are about the only things I'm putting on my stomach right now.  I made Fried chicken wings last night with shortening and they seemed to go down and stay down but then I had a glass of milk and seven cookies.  I don't know what happened but oh my damn.  I expected the cramps and the well... you know because it always hits when I have milk (Actually not so always since my colon started acting up.  It's really a hit or miss thing.) but something said grab the big pot off the shelf, you're gonna need it.  So imagine if you will me sitting on the potty while also hugging a big red spaghetti pot.  It was not pretty, it's was not awesome, and to make matters worse, it happened three more times during the night.  I had no idea a body could throw up that many times.  I'm serious.  My experience with throwing up has always been one good one and then just dry heaves.  I can handle dry heaves.  I cannot handle my body finding stuff to throw up at all hours.

As I always do, when I'm not feeling well, I arranged the pillows on my bed to feel like my Mr. Right was there in bed holding me.  Nothing sexual, just so that it felt like there was another body there, holding me and making me feel not so alone in all this.  I hate being alone when I don't feel well.

Sigh so after this rice cake, I'm going to get dressed for church.  My xMIL didn't call yesterday so I don't have to go get her for church.  Kinda yay, kinda boo.  I like it when she comes to church.  I love my nieces.  I love how they come careening around the corner screaming "Aunt Dette!" and give me hugs.  I love it when my own kids give me running hugs too.  I'm going to miss that when they get too old for hugs.  I like hugs in general.  The ones you get from someone bigger/stronger than you that ask nothing from you but just go on forever.  Those are my favorites.

The world needs more hugs.

Okay well, rice cake finished, I'm going to get ready for church.  Enjoy your Sunday, bloggers!  Stay Frosty!

The Random things that Roam aRound in my bRain....

If you didn't figure it out from the title, this is the R blog and the subject is going to be random things that I think about that start with R!! Yay!  Fun!!

So Random things that start with R....

Random People

Wow, that sounds like I'm about to just name random people and call out the attack squad doesn't it?  Hehe no, I'm not... or am I??  LOL.  No. I mean actual people that are just so random, you have to love them.

Personally Random people are my favorites among my friends.  Everyone has a random friend.  The one that can look you in the eyes for the briefest of seconds and say the very thing that is floating across your brain but they make it sound funny and not sarcastic and rude which is how it sounded in your brain... That's your random person.  The person who always has a one liner that comes out of nowhere and makes everyone rofl, THAT'S your random friend.  I have a couple of them.  They are some of my best friends actually.    Everyone needs one or two.  In my opinion, they spice life up kinda like Emril thinks he's doing when he throws something in a pot and screams "BAM!"  (I've had his spices, they aren't all that)  We all need spice in our lives.  Even the quiet librarian type that wears the froudy clothes and big glasses.  Yes, she needs spice and chances are she simply hasn't found her random friend yet.

Being called Random is not an insult.  You know how the "I'm so popular everyone should bow down I can do whatever I want and my shit doesn't stink because I'm a cheerleader" girl (no, I like them, the sarcasm hanging all over that last sentence was purely coincidental...) always turns to her friends and points out the outcast and says "Ohmigawd!  That guy is soooo random!" (admit it, you said it in a valley girl, stuck up sort of way and if you didn't before you just went back and did...) Well, that guy should be thrilled that that itch thinks he's random because I think being random is awesome.  I was actually called random once as an adult.  I was sitting on the stoop in the development we lived in and I said something and one of the women looked up at me and said, "You're kinda special.  You're just so random."  Now I get that she thought she was insulting me and I could have let my face fall and acted hurt but I wasn't going to give her that.  I looked up and told her that being special and Random were two of my best features.  That she never knew what she was going to get from me and it just meant that she would have to keep on her toes and dust off her brain to try and figure me out.  That sad part about that was maybe five people around her understood that I turned her insult back on her but she never did.  That's the beauty of being random.  No one knows what you are going to do or say next.

Now onto the next r...

Road Rage

This a very funny r and one that I... reportedly... suffer from but I gotta be honest with you... I don't suffer from it at all.  As a matter of fact, I enjoy every minute of it.  What? I do!  There is something really special about road rage that releases a whole lot of stress for me.  Other people feel tired after a bout of road rage takes them over, me? I feel like I could drive across the country and back again.

Now don't get me wrong, my road rage has almost gotten me in trouble a couple of times.  The first time that I can remember it nearly getting me in trouble was in Newport News, Va. We used to live there when Randy was stationed at Norfolk Naval Base.  I was on my way to Langley AFB via highway 64 to do some grocery shopping and needed to get out of my lane to the next so I could take my exit and get there but this dumpy white woman in the next lane was riding my six.  I sped up and so did she, I dropped back and so did she.  Despite the fact that I had a signal on that she saw, she refused to let me come over.  And i know she saw it because in my rearview I could see her stupid grin.  No doubt she thought she could have some fun with the nigger woman and yes I can say it like that because you have no idea how many people I met in Virginia who had no problem calling me that.  Anyway, I missed my exit, a fact I made abundantly clear by my gesturing and cussing and I saw her give her passenger a malicious smile.  That was it.  I had tried to play nice.  I had tried to be a good person and a good driver but she wanted to be a bitch so okay, I could play that game.  There was no one behind me so I hit my brakes, which she wasn't prepared for and swung behind her.  I didn't threaten her, I didn't do anything in my car that would suggest that when I caught her, I would do her harm but I followed that woman very close on her tail well through the Hampton Roads. She got over, I got over.  She sped up, I sped up.  I rode that woman's bumper like she was a big ol bar of chocolate and I was a hungry PMSing fat girl.  The entire time I wore this wide malicious grin that probably made me look like the joker.  She even thought that she could hop off the highway and lose me but no. I kept up.  She ran lights, I ran lights.  We did this for maybe an hour.  Finally she drove into a police department parking lot and I guess she thought that I was going to keep going and let her go but I pulled in right behind her.  She pulled into a parking spot and see I was young and dumb so I blocked her in.  A cop who was watching came over and inquired what was going on.  I got out and told him that I  had been on 64 and had tried to get over because I needed to get to Langley and this woman had ridden my six so hard that I couldn't get over and I missed my exit so I decided to give her a little back and that I just wanted to ask her why she would do that to someone she didn't know.  That I hadn't threatened her in any way and the only reason I could think of that she was do that to me was because I was black.  She further proved my point on that when she jumped out and told the cop that this Nigger has followed her and was going to kill her.  The cop looks back at me and says to her. "With a baby in the backseat?  She was going to kill you?" (I had JoJo in the back.  He had peacefully slept through all of this but then Jojo always did sleep through my driving.)

The woman went on to tell the cop that she had run red lights to shake me and had done illegal turn arounds and gone the wrong way on one way streets (That she hadn't done.  I'm not that stupid and never have nor will be) and the cop is standing there listening to her.  Finally he looks back at me and says "You said you just wanted to ask her why.  Ask her."  I swear on all that is holy that this woman didn't realize the hole she had dug herself into and she looked the cop right in the face and said that they were just having some fun with the nigger.  I had no clue what happened after that because the cop told me to get in my car and go and to be nice and not scare the white people anymore.  He was white and he said that with a smile so I smiled and drove off.  I don't know nor do I care what happened to her.

My next forary in to memorable road rage was in Cali.  Another person on the road.  I can't remember if they were white or black.  I just know it was a man.  He tried to come over into a lane I was already in and I honked at him.  I let it go, he pulled along side me and flipped me off.  Then he tried again to get over, I honked and sped up.  He pulled along side me again and this time made some really rude gestures.  I reached over and took the one and only gun toy my children have ever had (Which looked incredibly fake.  Seriously this thing was bright orange) and pointed it at him.  To say he hung back was an understatement.  He nearly hit his brakes.  I lost track of him.  I guess it was about two or so miles down the road that I see red and blue lights.  And I'm like WTF? I'm not speeding, I'm not doing anything wrong but nevertheless I stopped.  Cop get out and approaches the car and say he needs me to throw all weapons out.  I'm like what the hell are you talking about?  He asks me point blank do I have any guns in the car and I told him only this one and I held the kids toy gun out the window.  Now the look on his face was awesome.  He actually fell out into laughter.  When he was able to compose himself he says to me that they got a frantic 911 call that there was a woman in a green taurus station wagon pointing guns at random people on the highway.  Did I know what he was talking about.  Now I don't lie to cops.  I usually tell them the truth.  I told him yes I knew who would say that but he tried twice to run me off the road so yes, I pointed this at him.  It's not my fault that he couldn't tell a bright orange gun from a real one.  The cop looked at the toy and told me that I was not nice and not to do it again.  Then he says into his shoulder walkie talkie that it was a toy gun not in any way real looking at all and explained it.  It may have been static but from the smile on the cops face, I think that was laughter coming from dispatch.  I don't know what they said after that but he said yes and told me that he needed to bring the gun toy wit him.  He said I could pick it up and named the station.  I told him I don't like guns when they finished laughing over it, they could trash it.  He let me go and that' was my last memorable trip into road rage and the story of how my son lost the only gun toy he ever had in my presence.

There have been other trips into road rage but none as funny as those two and I have made some serious mistakes, such as flipping off a police officer in NYC.  But we live, we learn.  Just remember, be careful who you decide to play a game with on the highway, you never know what their limit of road rage is.

That's it, I have no more r topics... I kinda do but I don't.  And I think I've rambled on long enough.  Stay Frosty!!

My face is numb...

I just came from the dentist part 2 and I swear, if I bite my damn tongue one more freaking time I might just scream... which will probably cause me to bite my tongue harder.

Of the 11 cavities I walked into the office with, seven have now been conquered.  I still have three that need to be pulled, and four on the bottom right that need to be drilled and filled.

One might beg the question, just how did I let my mouth get so bad?  The answer is quite simple in it's complexity.  For the first, up until now I have hated dentists with every fibre of my being.  The hurt, the drill scared me, and they weren't all nice.  Second, after dealing with Dr. Peterson and Tarab with my childhood and four years in braces I didn't want anyone in my mouth like that ever again.  

Third, when you are a military spouse, Tricare (or whatever the hell it's called now) doesn't give a rats ass about your teeth.  They care about the servicemembers teeth and if you complain loud enough they might pretend to care about your teeth but they really don't.  They will send you somewhere to find out about the pain in your mouth but they won't pay for them to fix it.  At least not enough.  As a military spouse, I had two root canals done on the same tooth (Which I STILL find superfluous because I thought the point of the first one was to take out all of the roots.  What they hell was left to hurt?) They covered a good bit of the root canal so that the out of pocket wasn't too bad. But they will not pay for any of the crown.  Without the crown there is no point to the root canal because all of the work that caused all of the pain then goes to hell.  I learned this the hard way.  In the end I was left with a shell of a tooth that broke and caused pain to the point of me getting a bottle of grey goose and a pair of pliers and solving my problem all by my lonesome one night.  Was it the sanitary or sane thing to do?  Hell no but it stopped the pain and the bottle of vodka was way less expensive than another dentists visit.

Fourth and probably the biggest reason why I haven't been to the dentist in quite awhile, is in New Jersey, when you are on Medicaid, the only way for you to see a dentists as an adult is to have gotten your medicaid while you were pregnant.  I wasn't pregnant when I got my medicaid so I could not see a dentist.  It didn't really bother me so I didn't pursue trying to see one.  When I got down here to Charlotte, I assumed it was the same way.  When my mouth began to give me real grief, I asked my regular doctor if there was anything she could do because someone on Facebook told me that in extreme cases, your doctor can pull a tooth or have it pulled if needed.  My doctor looked at me and asked me why I didn't go to the dentist with the pain and when I told her I didn't know I could, she just stared at me.  What kind of state won't allow adults to see a dentist?  It made about as much sense to her as it did to me.

So when I found that I could see a dentist here I was not thrilled because I knew that I wouldn't be able to go in say this tooth hurts can you pull it and be done.  NO they wanted to do check ups and cleanings and x-rays which led to 11 cavities that needed to be filled and three that needed to be pulled and a partial that needed to be ordered.

I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't scared out of my mind at the first appointment but they saw that and they worked with me.  I had a few requests.  Don't walk me through it.  I don't care, I don't want to know, just do it.  Second numb me with everything you got.  Third let me listen to my music.  They've accommodated on all fronts with that.  I'm comfortable, it doesn't hurt and I can tune everyone out with my music and it's all good.

I may not ever skip, hop, and jump to the dentists office anytime in my life but as long as I have Dr. Marti at Dentistry of the Carolinas, I won't run away either.

The stuff from the needle is beginning to wear off and the tramadol I took before hand to cope with cramps and the after effects of the drill is not playing nice with the rest of the novacaine.  I'm going to go lay down before I fall out of my chair.  I bet you that as soon as I lay down the freaking plumber is going to get here.  That is how my life is.  Talk to you later bloggers.

Stay frosty...

I have absolutely no excuse...

Except that it was Winter break, I had no kids and I lost myself in I guess Middle Earth or wherever Game of Thrones takes place...

Seriously Game of thrones is freaking awesome.  If you don't mind mindless and violent killing for reasons that may or may not make sense.  Wow, i am a true product of my generation... Extreme voilence no longer makes me cringe...

As a matter of fact George R.R. Martin set the standard with like five deaths in the first five minutes and now if he goes more than twenty minutes without killing someone I start to see it as a soap opera.  I don't like soap operas.  It threw me off because in like ALL of the pictures, this really brutally hunky guy with long hair is sitting on the throne looking dangerous but the truth is he never sat on the throne and he kinda dies.

Was sick for New Years.  My throat felt like it was on fire for like two days and still does occasionally.  Had to cancel my dentist appointment because I woke up with a fever that morning.  It was no bueno.  I did some reading up on WebMd and think I may have just battled strep on my own which I might not have because I'm thinking that that infection, unchecked, spreads... Not sure but what else is WebMd for but the scare the living piss out of people and convince them that they have either battled through terrifying diseases or are about to die horribly from them?

I am hungry. I need to get up and go eat something but my butt is glued to the chair like I can't move if I want to.  That makes absolutely no sense but you get it.

It's funny.  Last Friday I looked at my friend Patty and said, Vacation needs to be over.  I need my kids back. Saturday I sat in the house like ALL DAY because the ex was supposed to drop them off at my house and he was... busy all day and called me (after letting me sit at home for like seven hours waiting) to ask me if he could drop them off at church the next morning because he didn't know when he'd be home.  I said fine and tucked in for another night of watching Game of Thrones.

Last night I had my three and my nieces over for dinner and it was freaking awesome!  I had five kids in my house and no one cried, no one got mad, and no one got hurt.  Everyone got fed... well everyone but me cause they eat like a horde of locusts...  It was all good

This morning, however, the thought bounced into my brain that vacation was not NEARLY long enough and I needed another week to sleep.  This is the problem with not having a regular job.  My bed and i become way too friendly.

I would love more than anything for my bed and I to become overly friendly with another person but I digress...

So I think I am going to finish GoT and then go back to writing.  I cannot concentrate on my story while I have the what if's from not finishing in my head.  Why is that show so addicting.

Also I've been doing some thinking.  I have one or two friends that I actually know that talk to me like they are holier than thou and should be in MENSA while my intelligence can't even put two sticks together and make fire and it pisses me off.  Like seriously pisses me off.  One of them is a guy, a cute guy.

When I was growing up, the way of thinking (which was drilled into me from an early early age) was if your boyfriend/fiance/husband/guy you like says something that is lame and makes you want to look at them like they have nine heads, you chuckle and let it go.  If they talk to you like you couldn't tie a shoe if left to yourself.  you let it go and maybe save it for later when you need a rage inspiring feeling.  If they act like an ass, you let it go until you just can't anymore.  Totally unhealthy I know  Totally self degrading, I know but still how I was raised none the less and it's hard to break home training that's so long in the tooth.  Do you know how hard it is to be raised that way and know that it's wrong so that every part of you wants to tell people who are talking to you like that it's pissing you off but your mouth remembers the home training?  Like seriously every part of me is screaming "shut up you asshole" but my mouth.

I seriously think that one day my home training and they way I actually am deep inside are going to give me a heart attack.  A big one.  And I'm going to live through it but my home training is going to be shot to hell.

Sigh...  I heated up a steak.  Let me eat it quick so that I can go give my mom her car.  For the next two days I won't have wheels and this suits me perfectly fine.  I think I may play the sims.... or finish Game of Thrones.  That show is incredibly hard to watch when you have kids in the house.

Stay Frosty!!

Happy New Year bloggers!

Well, as per my usual scatterbrained, forgetful self, I completely missed the new year.  Well no not completely.  I looked up from my movie four minutes in.  So I wasn't that late.

I'm feeling sluggish tonight...er this morning and I'm writing the blog that will ring in 2014 for me now because I'm pretty sure that I will be comatose all day tomorrow.  I refuse to go to the doctor tomorrow but I may not have the choice.  At eleven thirty my temp was 99 and a little after midnight, it rose slightly above 100.

I haven't hit complaining level yet.  I don't usually become the useless little baby until about 103 or something and even then if I'm wearing my mom apron it has to pack a huge punch to bring me down.

Even so I have no kids back yet so I think I am going to take a me day and try and sleep this one out.

**update**

It's not been about two hours and I've gone to get the mothers and dropped both off, I am now back home and I am going to bed.  Happy New Year to one and all and I hope that 2014 treats everyone better than 2013 did.  If you had a good 2013 I hope you have an awesome 2014!

Aud Langsigne~

Pity Party table for one... seriously. It's like a rant...

Beware this is a serious pity party.

I'm feeling invisible today, bloggers.  I have these days every now and them.  In the past the days might have stretched out to a string but today is one of those days that it hurts a little more than normal.

I am not a social bug by any stretch of imagination. I don't call anyone and sometimes if real life gets in the way of texting I will completely forget to text you until some random happening causes you to cross my mind again.

But one thing I never do, one thing I can never be accused of, is ignoring someone for over six months and only contacting them because I need something from them.

I have an app on my phone that holds all of my texts.  Like every single one unless I've taken the time to delete them.  I can go back to some people and see the very first text they ever sent me on this phone.  It ranks my conversations as well.  Most recent is at the top and least recent is at the bottom.  Every six months, I go through and delete the people at the bottom.  In my mind if they can't bother to contact me, I can't bother to keep their text streams.  If I do this twice (i.e. you texted me because you need something in June and I don't hear from you by December I delete you and you contact me in Jan only to disappear until July...) I not only delete you I stop personalizing your stream.

I love Handsent.  I can give you a background, different colors and even a specific text tone so that I know it's you when you text.  Most often if it's a personalized text tone, I will drop what I am doing to text you back.  For some people that even means if you text me while I'm sleeping, I will wake up and have a conversation with you.  Even if that means that at three a.m you wanted to talk.  I will wake up.  But those people that contact me so little are given the short default tone which at the moment is a temple bell.  might pull me to the top of my consciousness in the middle of the night but you definitely won't get me to roll over and have a conversation.  After all, I only appear on your radar when you need something so why should I let you ruin my sleep?

And that sounds harsh and a little bit petty but it's the truth.  And I didn't used to be that way.  I used to be a kind, open person that gave every one of my friends their own text tone and special background.  At the moment, twelve people have their own backgrounds, and only eight people have a specific text tone.  I will be up front and honest and say that for those nine people, the world can wait while I see what they have to say.

So where am I going with this?  What is my point?  My point today is that I feel invisible and this is one of the few days that it's rubbing me like a cactus on newborn flesh.  It hurts.  It feels like no one bloody person gives a shit that I haven't been able to say a word in almost 24 hours.  Not one bloody person that has my phone number and can text or ever has texted me gave enough of a shit about me today to ask if my fever was down or if I was feeling better.

What the hell?  Really?  I mean just that little that you couldn't take five seconds and text me?  Facebook me?  Shit like this shows me just how high I rank.  Thank you.

Do me a favor.  The next time that you need/ want something from me, why don't you wait another six months and then consider asking me.  Maybe by then, I'll feel like doing you a solid for old times sake.

Ah piss. I'm going before I start naming names...

It's raining! It's pouring!

So woke up at 2 am with a burning in my throat.  If this is the worst of what I get this winter, I'm okay with that.  I have a flu shot and a pneumonia shot as internal defense.  I hope they work.

Of course this cements my plans to stay here in the house for New Years.  I don't think I want to go out drinking and shouting if my throat is still sore.  This way I have an excuse to wrap up in the blankets of my bed and sleep in the new year.  Now if my throat decides it's not going to win the day then I will probably spend the new year writing.  I'm making decent headway on the latest story.  I also found another publisher that I'm going to submit Chasing the Duchess to.  They are looking for romance and Romance suspense.  If they break parts 2 and 3 into two different books and offer the prologue (part 1) as a teaser chapter for free, I feel like it will sell.  They'll get two books out of it and I'll get published.  Plus, Part 2 closes with Paige leaving the island with Milo unsure if he will ever find her.... In all actuality between that part and part 3 I did skip a few months... I could write a novella in the middle and be just fine.  But I need to change the ending and go back to what I originally wanted.  I changed it to something quick with a lead in to Juliet's book when I was pitching it to Crimson.  I don't like it and I personally feel that if the author doesn't like her own ending, no one else will... well except J.K Rowling when she killed Sirius... and Dumbledore...  She said she cried.  I threw the book at the wall while crying.

So back to today.  I am sitting here listening to the rain pour outside.  I know it is so very un Christian of me but I just want to crawl back in bed and forget church.  I really shouldn't be that way but I'm that way when it comes to rain.  Whatever the plan, if it's raining I want to chuck it.  I'm pretty sure this will apply to my wedding should I ever get the chance.  Who am I kidding.  Should I ever get the chance to get married again I'll probably spend the night at the top of the aisle.  They'll get there and I'll be there fully decked out with a cup of coffee talking about "come on, let's go!"

So tomorrow marks two years that I have been celibate.  I would love to be able to say that this was a choice.  Well it was.  It's a choice on the part of the men in Charlotte.  Nope, can't go there, can't blame them.  I am a little picky.  I want who I want and I don't like substitutes.  So mostly me.  But here's the thing.  I hate celibacy.  Like seriously hate it.

And I hate sex.  I'll give you a second to start breathing again.  Yes I said it.  Not quite out loud but I said it.  I really don't like the act of sex.  I'm good with foreplay, I'm good with oral but the actual act, I could really care less for.  I rarely achieve orgasm and in fact that is a totally new feeling for me as the last guy I slept with was the one to show me what I'd been faking for years.  If I were a shrink, I might attribute my dislike of the act to being raped in college but somehow I think it might go further than that. I don't know why.  Growing up, I had no interest in boys in that way.  All I wanted was to make out with them.  I would even go so far as to say the thought of sharing a bed with them crossed my mind but not in a sexual way.  In a holding me in his arms till morning kind of way...  So no, I don't think the guy in college that pinned me against the wall and forced himself on me is the reason I don't like sex.  It just seems messy and painful, and if the same ending can be achieved with hands and fingers why bother with the rest?

I am one screwed up duckling... a friend of mine once read a story I wrote where the sex scene took up like five pages and said that it made her hot, but I don't like sex.  I make my characters have sex at the drop of a hat, but I don't like sex.  Somehow, I think I might need to see a psych.   One of my friends (Another one) said that I don't like sex because I haven't done it with the right guy.  Well hell, can Mr. Right hurry the hell up and get here cause I would really love to see what people are raving about.

And in case anyone is wondering, I know I've managed to connect what? three of the letters in the alphabet blog to sex and love, but the S blog WILL NOT be sexual.  I have actually chosen a pretty cute topic.

Sigh... It's eight A.M.  I need to get up and start pretending that I want to leave my house. The kids run church today so my ex mother in law wants to go and see.  Totally not a problem.  Just means we need to be out of here by nine ish so that I can go pick her up and get to my moms so that we are on time.  Then I take everybody save my mother back over to Providence court and I come home and wrap up in a blanket and raid my DVR.

That sounds like an awesome plan.  Can we skip to that right now?

I would say stay frosty as per my usual closing but considering the rain outside right now, I'm gonna close with Don't float away!!

Ciao Bloggers.

Questions, Queries, Quotes....

It's time for the Q blog!!!  Throw your hands up in the air and wave 'em like just don't care!!!

So if you read me regularly (or as regularly as I post) then you know I have been saying that I was going to do the Q blog for some time now but I never seem to get it up. (Although I managed to have time to do a million and a half personal blogs.)  My only excuse for that is to hang my head and smile pretty and hope you forgive me.

I decided to do the Q blog on quotes that people say but most have no idea where they come from.

Let's start with a simple one.

"Don't let the cat out of the bag."

This is actually a market expression.  Many many years ago when live animals were sold at market to consumers (Think they sold you the pig, you had to make your own chops and all that no nice prepackaged stuff) Some marketers would put a piglet in a bag and sell it to you.  Well naturally, the piglet would not like being in the bag and he would thrash around and generally be in a panic.  Some retailers would substitute a cat for the piglet because let's face it, an angry cat thrashing around sounds the same as a piglet in distress.  At least that's the thought.  I don't hear it and quite honestly think the sharp claws trying to rip the bag to shreds would have given it away for me. But I digress.  The phrase was coined because naturally you wouldn't want to open the bag and a cat comes flying out instead of you seeing the piglet you bought at the bottom of the bag or rather  Give away the secret of the deception.  Hence "Don't let the cat out of the bag" means  Don't tell the secret.

"You'll catch your death."

This one goes back to the nineteenth century.  You will mostly hear older people say it.  Back then, death was such a constant presence in most households that doing something like stubbing your toe could eventually lead to death.  You could stub it, the nail could come off, most people went shoeless you got dirt under the nail which turns into an infection and boom, you're dead.  To catch it, means you were chasing it.  If you intentionally go out in cold weather with nothing warm on you were all but telling death that you were done on this earth and you were ready to die.  And a cold was the quickest way.  Nobody was exceptionally healthy so going out and getting a chill that would lead to the weakening of your already not so awesome immune system... you get the picture.

"Hell bent for leather" -Sarah Brown

Hell bent for leather does not actually seem to have an origin and many think that it is actually two phrases combined.  Hell bent means recklessly determined.  Your mom told you not to touch the pot on the stove, your gram told you the same thing, you even say someone get burned already but you still want to touch it.  You are recklessly determined to get hurt. Hell bent meaning you will go as far as hell to get your answer.  Hell for leather was actually coined by Rudyard Kipling in 1889 as a way of recklessly riding a horse.  No one knows if the leather in this case is the leather riding crop or the wear and tear on the leather saddle but most take the combined phrase to mean that you will continue on the path to destruction no matter what.

"Mind your P's and Q's"

Another phrase that people are of split minds on.  I actually explored this one years ago when it crossed my mind that I wanted to know where it came from and I found that it came from Old Ireland where there are public houses, or pubs aplenty.  They serve their beer in Pints and Quarts. Honestly I knew about then serving pints of beer but I never ever heard of a pub serving a quart of beer, so i highly doubt the validity of this origin explaination.  The second that I found was mind your pleases and thank you's  R being the Please and Q being the latter half of the phrase Thank you which sounds like Q.  The basic meaning of this phrase is mind your language.  Because using please and thank you is always the way to be on the right side of the harsh language wall.  So I guess if I tell someone to "please go eff themselves, thank you very much" I guess I'm minding my p's and q's and am therefore minding my language....

And Lastly...

"Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!"

Let's take a trip back to the medieval times shall we?  no not the totally awesome fantastic, I might just be a little biased because I love it show, I mean the actual Medieval times.  When a lady was a lady and the silk and jewels were real and no body bathed regularly.  Yeah.  Fun fact.  June brides are and always have been so popular because June is when most people took their yearly, or bi annual bath.  If you got married in June, there was a good chance your mate was reasonably clean.  Back to the topic.  It was customary for the man in the house to take the first bath in the nice clean water.  Followed by any sons, then mom, then the daughters and finally, the baby.  Keep in mind that if this was an annual bath and most people had lice and other lovlies crawling on them the water was now cloudy and vermin infested and if you dropped the baby into the water and it went over his head you probably couldn't see the baby for the grime and cloudiness of the water.  And because everyone was such a good parent back then it was apparently common for people to toss out the bath water with the baby still in the water.  This is just my warped thinking but one if the baby slipped below the waters surface and i didn't notice, the bay is probably dead by the time I throw out the bathwater.  I'm just saying... baby didn't make a sound and I've now picked up the tub and tossed it.  Yep.  Baby is gone.

So that's the origin of some quotes that I have heard and used but had to go and look up.

Now remember guys, mind your p's and q', don't go out without a coat or you'll catch your death and don't be hell bent for leather and throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Hehe Stay Frosty y'all!!