One of those Good Blogs

You know the ones where I'm not upset or lashing out at anyone and not in a bad mood...

Oh don't make that face... They are NOT that rare...

Okay they are...

So I have been having a really really awesome day and you know what? I have no real reason for it being awesome other than it was.

I woke up, I got the kids off to school and then because it was raining I snuggled back down inside my bed and slept some more.  I seriously love my bed and listening to the rain outside while I was snuggled deep inside my millions of covers just made my morning...

Seriously, it was nearly afternoon when I finally convinced myself that life outside of my bed was needed.

So I cued up some How I met You Mother on Netflix.  I have made it to the third season.  I don't actually know what season the actual show is in on regular television but I am on season three on my netflix.  I can't understand why I wasn't watching the show before.  I guess I should always give shows a chance before deciding that they are stupid as hel.  It's like judging a book by it's cover...

But here's the thing, I do judge books by their covers.  Seriously, I'm the person that can look at a romance novel and tell you based on the cover if it is one that I would spend my time on.  Nine times out of ten I am correct in my assumption that it worth my time.  There is that one small time that I am wrong but it's like alcohol you have to do it.  You can't just give up.  With alcohol they call it alcohol abuse if you spill it.  Stopping a book because it simply isn't drawing you in is literary abuse.  It just cannot happen.  And I have read some real whoppers.

Anyway back to subject.  I was never a NPH fan but damn the man can act.  I love the whole cast, I love the show.  I also like the big bang theory.  No, strike that.  I love that show.  Totally misjudged it until I watched it at Patty's house.  Took me three shows before I was humming the song relentlessly.  Love Sheldon.  He;s my favorite.  I could do so many many things to that man...  I'm thinking that may have been TMI but oh well... It's out there now.  I think I would enjoy coitus with him.... hehe I said Coitus! 

And then I played Rock band.  And I freaking rocked.  I love that game.  Trying very hard to get Rock band three but so far have not been successful.  Then again I haven't actually made a real college effort so I can't really be upset that I don't have it in my hot little hands right now.  Life is life and when I get around to getting it I will have it.

That so doesn't sound like me, does it?  I know I know, you are probably sitting there wondering who did what to my body and where they bury the real me.

Hehe I'm just in a good mood.

I even played rock band with the boy when he came home and then they girls and the next door neighbor kids played band hero and they had a good time and then they got the boy to play the dance game that Olivia got with her Christmas money and good lord... The songs... I fear for the future...

So they are going to bed in a little bit and I am going to play some rock band.

 I was told by a certain someone that I needed to practice the dancing Game that Kayla got with her money because a rematch was on the horizon.  I doubt it is because well I don't see that someone when I have kids which makes for very sporadic meetings (I think they scared them) but never the less tomorrow's plan for a better day is to practice that game until I can at least claim some of the rhythm that black people are famous for.  Cause lemme tell ya, I have none of it.  None at all.

So okay.  I have documented my really good mood and I must say I have done it at warp freaking speed too.  My typing skills have improved by leaps and bounds and I haven't even been practicing!  I don't know.  My computer wasn't even on for like a week until yesterday and I got on to check something.  Oh wait no I turned it on to add music that I can't listen to because my sound is trashed and to make a CD that took me three tries but I got the music added and the CD was eventually made.  I have fie minutes before I have to say goodnight to the kids so I'm gonna hop off here and be mommy! 

Good night all!! Have awesome dreams!!

I <3 ya!!

Beyoncè should be ashamed of herself...

You know I've said it couple times on Facebook but I'm gonna outright say it now...

Beyoncè just lost my respect as a person.  It's a baby. Women have them every day and at times more at one time than you have hit songs concurrently.  There is no need to act like just because you are a new mom you have to be the hospital diva and your baby is more important than everyone else.

I am so glad that I'm not in that hospital as a mom cause lemme tell you honey... I wouldn't care if you were the blessed virgin bringing in the second coming, you stop me from seeing my baby and your loved ones would he walking around wearing all black and singing sad songs.

Woman don't you know you don't come between a parent and their child??

The sad part is she probably doesn't even care that she just opened herself up to a whole bunch of lawsuits over this.  Why would you cover security cams?  No one wants to see a baby crawl out of your va-jay-jay...Trust me... Anyone that would put that video out has way more problems than you can fix with a lawsuit or a breakdown by your ugly ass husband!!

And while I'm on my rant, Blue Ivy??? What the hell is wrong with stars today??  Ya'll are personally making it so that when your kids are grown up, us normal people are going to look like freaks and outcasts because we name our kids Nathan, Sarah, and Courtney.  Can you imagine our history books in years to come?  Here's a preview...

President Apple Paltrow- thanks for that one Gwen Paltrow
Senior Vice President Blue Ivy Carter- wtg Beyoncè and Jay-z.
Secretary of State Knox Pitt-Jolie- awesome Bradjelina

Did you ever see Baby Mama with Tina Fey?? There was a bit near the middle where a woman called her kids and their names were Wingspan and something else.  The blond.one said those kids would he so beaten up if they had been in school with her.

Stars today are making it so that people who can't afford to have their kids surrounded by security 24/7 to protect them from bullies are now the freaks with the stupid named kids.

I pity this world.  I really do.  We have such creativity but its wasted.  Simply wasted.

On that note I'm going to lay down...

Happy new years my ass...

Wow, can I have a few good days in a row?  Please?


When my kids are here I want them to go away.  When they go away, I want them back.  Does that mean something is wrong with me?

So before my kids left my son poured water down the stairs and left it there to see what happened because he was bored, right? Well despite the ex's promise that he was going to pay for his actions this past week at his house, the boy didn't.  At all...

He even got in more trouble while he was there... BUt whatever.

They got home and first of all The first words out of the Ex's mouth were "We need to talk... there's some things you need to do."

I'm a normal divorced woman... So of course my response was that I wasn't married to him anymore and didn't have to take orders...

But of course he plowed on anyways...

And dude!  He opened with the completely WRONG thing to say...

"So your mother and I discussed it and we both agree..."

What they agreed on was that I needed to move closer to the bus line but the fact that he discussed this with my mother first!!!

 There was some filler in the middle of this and his next declaration but honestly, I was seeing red and hearing this odd buzzing noise that kinda sounded like an old air raid siren...

Course it did absolutely no good when the siren stopped long enough to hear him say that he was going to give money in the middle of the month that was not to be spent on bills, it was to buy me a new outfit and or get my hair done because I look old broke and busted...worse than I ever looked when we were married.  The air raid siren started up again and I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying the words that pushed their way through the word traffic jam in my head to my lips...

Excuse me?!?  I look broke and busted???

Well I am broke but I certainly wasn't busted.  And FYI I look WAY better now than I did when I was married to him.  Point number one my wieght loss is not because I'm too depressed to eat it's because I'm too okay to eat just anything.  My hair isn't falling out in clumps and I don't walk around looking like an empty shell body waiting to fall in a hole in the ground and sleep forever.

The siren continued and ebbed and silenced and there was a conversation there.  I managed to turn ninety percent of what he wanted into something he didn't want because it would probably detriment me and make life for everyone very bad.  I conceded a point or two and then we went to the store for cleaning supplies because he magically got the kids to clean their effing bathrooms.  I cuss and beg and plead and do everything but bribe them and they don't do ish but he barks and they jumped (Did I mention that sometimes I hate being a woman) and as per my usualy when I have to leave the kids in the house, I set the alarm for stay meaning they can move around the house but not open any doors.

Of course they opened a door.  And set off the alarm.

They used the house phone to call Randy's phone because I had left mine in the house and I gave them the code even though we were right around the corner.  When we pulled in the sitter from next door who watches the kids at night was over with my kids as the alarm had been going off for over fifteen minutes.  To which I calmly replied that the cops would be there soon.  The boy, the ex, and the sitter all said probably not.

About two minutes later, the cops showed up.

Relax this is actually a good thing.  I have my alarm set with the company so that if my alarm goes off and they can't get in touch with me, they are to call CMPD.  I forgot to change my phone number with my alarm company so they couldn't call me.  They did right.  The cops were even really nice about it.  I showed my id to prove it was my house.  The alarm company had given them my safe word which they asked for from me and then they were on their way.

It really wasn't as bad as the status made it seem.  But I did need one of my breaks.  And I did abstain from having a drink.

I learned a very important lesson about drinking last week.  I don't think I'll be even having a little one when I'm alone anymore...

Oh well...

Hehe You're going to laugh at me but...

Okay so you know... and you all SHOULD know by now that my birthday is September 16th.  Not a cusp baby but close enough to Libra that I can see it very clearly.  Nevertheless, I am a Virgo.

First off the general description for Virgos is bossy, neat freak.  Seriously... Those of you that know me... really??? Am I bossy?  Am I neat freak?  No.

Most days if I bother to look up my horoscope Libra actually pins me better than the Virgo.  It really does.  Not to say that some days Virgo doesn't peg me on every part than can be pegged.  It's something I've actually learned to live with the fact that the the stars overshadow the earth and my dute date is where my horoscope is the safest.

Don't get me wrong, like I said, sometimes Virgo is the actual horoscope that works for me.

But you know what always knocks me for a loops and I can't hang on and smile because I'm pulled in two directions?  That would be when , the exceptionally rare moments, when my due date and my birthdate come together and BOTH horoscopes can describe me.

Today is one of those days.

Here is LIbra's horoscope for 12-31-11:

It's annoying if someone makes a promise and then doesn't follow through by delivering the goods. It's not as if you coerced anyone into doing something for you; chances are others just arrive out of the blue and offer to help. Nevertheless, it's never a good idea to become overly dependent on anyone else. Even if you are left in the lurch, just get on with your original plans without wasting time playing the blame game.

I can' describe how this applies to me but it does...  Here's Virgo for the same day...:

All of your relationships could seem complicated these days and you might choose to avoid interpersonal entanglements as much as you can. Sharing your feelings may not sound safe now, but the emotional roller coaster should start to smooth out in the next day or so. Meanwhile, you may be more dependent on others than you are willing to admit. Acknowledge your desires without making anyone else responsible for your satisfaction. Your radical honesty could defuse a tricky situation.

Seriously??  Both of them talking about how I'm dependant on other?  My relationships being complicated??  People arriving out of the blue...

Very funny cosmos...  I like a good joke but can we go back to the days when it's one or the other?


ROFL!!! I think I might just be cosmically screwed but here's how I am choosing to look at it:


...at least I'm getting screwed!! 

ROFL!!


Happy New Year Bloggers!!!!

A final thought before my kids and I disapear into Xboxland...

This was a god Christmas, you guys.  I didn't have much money but I managed to get my mom, ,y son, and my girls gifts that they really really wanted.  My mom got the small crock pot she's been wanting for months, my daughters got their very own alarm clock, and my son got a real football.

Church was good.  Okay so I kinda fell asleep and when I wasn't asleep I was messing with someone but it was all good.  The sermon was about Jesus and Facebook.  Yeah, Facebook!  My pastor has it going on... He's in the now! LOL...  We sat in the middle of the church today and truth be told, I kinda like that spot better.  I can see more and I'm not behind the great Farter.  No seriously, the lady that sits in front of us, is on one of those medications that make he pass gas.  She apparently can't smell them or feel them but OMG everyone else around her does.  It's all good.  I hide out in the nursery when her meds kick in.  LOL.

Dinner was good.  I made two chickens... one with the basic spices and one that I experimented on.  That one was good.  Very good actually.  I kinda wish I remembered everything I used.... I know there was coriander, and pink salt, and pepper, and... that's kinda all I remember but I know there was more...

And Bloggers, My mom got me a new leather coat!!!  I can't stop talking about this thing, it's warm, and it's longish and it smells like brand new leather, and... and... IT"S AWESOME!!!!  I also got a new purse and a griddle!  I can make real pancakes for the kids now!

And then the itis hit and I slept for an hour and spent another half trying to recover from my power nap...  Hehe.

Remember the old Cosby show and Rudy and her kisses?  She called them Blurberts.  Yeah I gave all my kids those.  We had fun and then we watched a Hallmark channel movie called A  Dong Named Christmas which was absolutely boring last week when it came on but utterly fantastic tonight!  Don't even want to know how that works...

Then on the ride home, my kids, who are blissfully innocent at times so much that it almost scares me, reminded me that yesterday would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.  I think in the back of my mind I may have remembered that yesterday.  I was in a bit of a funk but was otherwise okay.  Ah well, Like I have said many many many times before, it just wasn't in the cards for me to be married I guess.  I'm still waiting for Fate to prove me wrong on that but she seems pretty content to let me think I'm right.  At least about the married part.  At least she's proving me wrong on the alone part.

So all in all, this was a good Christmas.  Much better than some.  I hope that everyone out there in Cyberspace had a good Christmas or what...? Fifth day of Hanukkah?  Mazel Tov and Shalom (The only two real words I know in Hebrew) if you are Jewish and Merry Christmas if you celebrate it!!

Ciao!!!

So I said it was another blog... Warning this *may* include a small rant...

So this summer I hooked up with a guy... 

He was supposed to be a one night of fun.  I understood that and for maybe the first time I was fine with that.  Then that turned into two nights and then a date.  It all happened very quickly and the daily texting really didn't help keep the pretense of no strings at all.  I think the clencher was the bringing home of my kids.  He said it meant nothing to him that I had children, something that was probably the third or fourth thing out of my mouth, but when it came down to taking me out when I had my kids in residence or coming over when they had turned in for the night seemed to present a problem for him. 


He did make one more attempt after about a month or more of on an off again flirting and we went to see a movie.  That very day it hit the great social stream that he was in a relationship with someone. 


Against all my guarding and plotting to keep my heart out of it, I have to admit, it hurt.  Like almost a physical hurt.  I couldn't believe how much the one announcement that he didn't even make hurt..... It was like a kick to the chest.  But I rallied up and shored myself to forget about him and just plod on.  The little bit of him that I had, was fun.  I won't lie. And for awhile, I refused to let go.  I initiated every text, I hung on the replies like they met something and then when I got the promise of an outing to see a much prized movie, I was over the moon.


I put off the one opportunity I had to go see it on my own because he was going to take me.  I refused to let anyone tell me anything about the movie because he was going to take me.  And then he said he couldn't go.  And I was crushed.


And the opportunity to go on my own never came up again and I got a little pissed off....


But I have shored myself up to a point that I can finally make it through a whole day without thinking about him.  I haven't made it to the actual point of unfriending him from Facebook but that is the least of my issues because one, he's not a big poster and two he rarely posts anything on my wall.  I have taken his text stream and banished it to my privacy box where I don't have to see it everytime I open my messing menu and I no longer worry that my phone is completely charged so that I don't miss a maybe text from him.

I still have a little bit of angst about it all though, don't get me wrong.  I mean, why do guys always want the woman that has kids to be the on the side chick?

I have a theory about that as well...

Guys think that women with kids and no man in the immediate picture are looking for a daddy for their kids.  Mostly black guys have this issue... I don't see many white guys that have this issue to be honest so I think I am fully justified when I rebuttal with, "Negro, I didn't need you to have my kids and I don't need you to maintain my household so what make you think that maybe, just maybe you weren't intended to be something that was just for me?  My kids have a father.  He may not be there as often as I like but they have a daddy. and just so that you know, if a woman asks you to be a role model to her son, that's a good ting!  It basically means that she thinks that you have good moral character and she wants her child to learn from you."

Men that get scared and run away when presented with the woman in their life's kids are all too common now a days.  It's sad, but they are.  It's like men today don't want to deal with any kind of baggage with women.  Never mind the ones that have kids of their own... It's other people's kids that scare them.   They act like all women want their baggage.  

But whatever.  They aren't real men to me.

The great wall of distrust...

I have this theory that one day, the great wall of distrust is going to be one of those wonders of the world that you can see from space.  There's just going to be so many bricks added to it that one day the collective distrust of women everywhere is going to be viewable from space and no man on earth is going to be able to mount it. 

That's not to say that men don't have their wall of distrust.  I personally think that women who abuse the trust of men only do it because sometime in their life a man abused their trust.  Okay some of those women.  Some women are just hoochie bitches.

I only know that my portion of the Great Women's Wall of Distrust is pretty significant.  It spans years...

First my Dad.  Not saying he wasn't there.  For some of my youth, he was there.  But he left.  And after he left he wasn't there.  I have some really awesome memories of being with my dad.  He was awesome when he was there but it was the times that he wasn't there, the times when he didn't show, the times that he didn't call, and the times when he put his step children above me that made me think that men that can walk away from their children like that, are just awful.

Then there was an incident in High School that was enough to make me think that teenage boys are scum.

Then there was the jackass that raped me in college... And the powers that be that declared it was not rape but in fact me just changing my mind about a sexual encounter as all college women are apt to do... Forgive me my scoff...

Then there was the ex who needless to say destroyed about 90% of the trust I had left.  He didn't really try, he was just himself and that's what hurt.  I mean at some point he did actually try to hurt me but he mostly destroyed the trust and added bricks to the wall on his own, just being himself.


Recently another male has added bricks to the wall but not really enough that I should count him amongst the actual mass of the wall...

But that's a whole nother blog...

So,a new guy has helped alot with that.  He may help take some bricks out of the great wall of distrust actually.  We will see.  Only time will tell...

But yeah... I just have that theory that one day the collective distrust of women everywhere will create an actual wall that can be seen from space.  Thoughts?

I'm done! Check please!

Okay, I have officially had it!

First I got a wild hair up my butt to go re arrange the kids rooms this morning and moved furniture and found months of trash, and in Jovaughn's case chicken bones, cupcake wrappers, and something that I'm pretty sure used to be food but is now bio hazard material. (He didn't even bother to conceal the crumbs from the chicken he snuck up to his room last night)  I also found mouse dropping which means that little Mickey found his way upstairs before he found his way outside.

Then I got out to get the stuff to fix my ottoman that the kids broke and my phone starts doing the reset and reboot thing (This is after I had to have Verizon reprogram it this morning because I haven't been able to make a phone call since yesterday afternoon.)  In one of it's reboots, it erased EVERYTHING off of my screens.  No widgets, no apps, nothing just blank screens. 

Get home and my neighbors kids who have lent my kids MarioKart and a controller while they wait for their Gran to replace the Wii that got stolen from them have basically decided that since their stuff is at my house they can sit and play on my television ALL DAMN AFTERNOON and get all pissy when I explain that my kids are in trouble.  Had the nerve to ask if they could come in and play Wii without my kids...

But wait, gets better, now I'm sitting here putting the widgets and whatnot back on my screens and there are widgets missing.  Can't access the clock anymore, it's gone so no alarm.  Can't do twitter anymore... It's gone.  Haven't figured out what else is gone but lemme tell you if I have to call Damn Verizon ONE MORE TIME, those fuckers are going to GIVE me the incredible 2 for free just to shut me the hell up.

Seriously?!? I didn't have this much bullshit in my life when my ex-husband was sleeping with the horse and treating me like medical waste.  What the eff?  Why is my life suddenly acting like I'm the effing enemy??? 

Could my life at least let me have a man before it tries to fuck me over like this? 

ARG!!!

Cracked the code.. says I!

I have figured it out! 

Verizon is employed by a bunch of ruthless crooks.  There is simply no denying it anymore.  It has been staring me in the face for months but I just refused to believe it but now I can't ignore it anymore.  They are a bunch of filthy dirty crooks.

So I recently had to have my Droid Incredible replaced, right.  I had to have this happen when I first got it from Randy early this year.  They sent me one but it was so jacked up that it wouldn't go past the HTC screen.  With a hard reboot, it made it as far as the red screen with the automated alien voice saying "Droid!" but then it would reboot again.  So I had to send that one back.  They then sent the Droid 1 that I had already traded up from and then had to resend out another incredible.  This one worked and is the one that I have been using for these last few months.

Then they did away with the unlimited data plan for $30.  They were losing mucho dinero on this one because people like me use their phones as the mini computers they are meant to be and eat up data like it's being served at the last supper. They now have one that comes close to what I have for $40.  But there's a loophole.  As long as you have a smartphone attached to this plan they cannot take it away from you. 

So I had to call about my Droid incredible because the power port was loose and it was a crapshot as to whether it would fully charge or not each night (not that it stays charged for long, the battery itself is getting old and dumb) So they sent out a new one and last night as I sit here playing with it, it started to do random reboots.  I called Verizon and they said it was one of my apps and it was best to factory reset it and start from scratch.

Now I just spent about two hours or more redoing the damn thing to the way I like my phone and they want me to factory reset it and start from scratch??  I don't think so.  Dette is going to wait out the temper tantrum thank you very much.

Well this afternoon, Mr. Droid Incredible (And let's face it, anything that boasts that it's incredible and clearly is not, has to be male.) decided eff you, I am going to win this round and you will factory reset me regardless of what you want.  I am Mr. Incredible, hear me whine.  And it rebooted itself over and over and over for two damn hours before I even got pissed anough to take the battery out.  When i put it back in to try and factory reset, the result was that it said  it was doing it but then farted around and did it over and over and over for another hour.  Finally though I won out and it factory reset.  So here I sit trying to set it up, again.

But phooey on Verizon because until this one stays on for two consecutive days, I am not sending my old one back. 

See the thing about the unlimited plan is like I said, they are loosing mucho dinero on it and they figure if they send you a crap phone, you're going to trust them and send back your old one right away and then find that you are stuck with the crapper.  You will soon find that you have to send that one back as well or do one of two things.  One being activate an old phone you have lying around that is probably not a smart phone thereby loosing your unlimited data plan, or two stick out like the stubborn cow I am and just not have a working phone for up to three days four if it's a holiday weekend, five if the holiday falls on Monday of Friday, but still have the smartphone attached to the plan.

I am a stubborn fucking cow.  You should know this about me up front.  Damn them I will go without a phone for two damn days. 

Just don't expect me to be completely sane by the time the new one gets here.  Expect me to be sitting in a corner rocking or running around shouting statuses in people's face's screaming can you like me??  Can you like my status??

But there you go.  Verizon is staffed by sheisty people, plain and simple and I am just as stubborn as they are and refuse to quit.  One will emerge victorious.  It will most likely be them but dammit, I'm going to give them a good freaking fight! 

By the way since the last factory reset, this phone has shut off once.  I like that.  It means I win this round. 

Now to set up my Handcent, again I really should pay for the actual service so I can back it up and don't have to do it so much. 

Le Sigh!

Laters!

Second Thoughts...

I'm having second thoughts about going back on behavioral medications.

See, people that I've met in the past four to five years know me as I am now.  I don't know what they are going to put me on but based on my past history with behavioral drugs, that will change.  It's not a suspicion, that's a fact.

When Olivia was a few months old, I had a manic breakdown.  I had three children in diapers and my husband was off to sea.  My neighbor noticed that I hadn't come outside in a couple of days and very nicely came over to see if I was okay because as a fellow navy wife in the springtime it's a common thing to want to have your children out in the fresh air as much as possible and she hadn't seen me outside letting my kids run.  It's a bit fuzzy and by fuzzy I mean I'm trying hard to reconcile what I DO remember with the description of how they found me.

See I remember Demetria just walking in the front door and picking up the kids and taking me to her house and from there blank until I woke up in the hospital.  The description of how they found me through their eyes is a little bit different.  Demetria said that she hadn't seen me outside so she came to knock on the door and when I didn't answer she tried the knob.  She says she found me in the kitchen in the corner curled up screaming to God what had I done to deserve this life.  She then claims that she and her sister took my kids and me to her house where she gave me a drink as it was the only way to calm me down.  She says that she then she called the ombudsman of my ship who came over and made the decision to call the hospital who made the decision to keep me.  All of this was done while I was knocked out from whatever drink she gave me.

Like I said.  Fuzzy.  And I'm not altogether sure which parts are true to word and which parts are true to word and which parts are exaggerated.  I mean I can see that maybe I would have a breakdown like that in front of my kids but I generally have a fail safe switch that goes off in my head that keeps me from letting that final thread snap in front of them.  But at the same time even I know that one can't control when that crucial thread just ignores your best efforts and snaps anyway.

Whatever. The point is that that episode landed me in the mental ward of a military hospital for a couple of days and on behavior modification drugs for some years afterwards.

The first one I was on was Depacote.  Big and orange.  That one was definitely not a good fit.  I was holding Olivia one night and I stood at the top of the stairs and wondered what would happen if I just stepped off.  While I was holding my infant daughter. I don't know what snapped me out of the thought but I remember having the thought.  I told the doctor this thought and he agreed that I needed to try a different med.

The second one was a small white pill.  That one spaced me into zombie territory.  According to Randy, I sat in the car one long ride home from the North and I started counting.  He says he asked me what I was counting and I replied cars.  Not red ones.  Not blue ones.  Not caddies. Not Toyotas.  Just cars.  I don;t know who decided that wasn't a good med I just know I was taken off it.

Skip a few years and picture me trying very hard to fit in with the mainstream and feeling like the salmon in a river full of trout.  Something made me want to buck the system and swim upsteam regardless of what I should have been doing.  It didn't work.  I cried most nights and worked so hard at keeping my mouth shut during the day that I gave myself migraines.

Then I started drinking.  A lot.

A lot of fights later and a suicide attempt, I found that you can only fool people for so long before the truth comes out.

Once again, navy doctors put me on a med.  Zoloft to be exact.  This one wasn't so bad, to tell the truth.  I was kinda level on it. 

But in true Claudette style, with the final crumble of my marriage, I decided, without the husband who in my mind equaled the stress, I didn't need the stress meds.

To be completely honest, I don't think I've done bad all these five years without the medication but like I said.  You can on'y fool the crowd for so long and a big breakdown is coming.  I know it.  I feel it like a storm coming up.

So even though I'm having second and third thoughts about going back on behavioral medications, I'm going to do it if that's what they want me to do.

Hmmm...


Make that second, third fourth, and fifth thoughts...