Finally, a bed!!

So I called the rental company and asked if since the section 8 guy did the initial inspection, is he going to just check the things that were wrong or was he going to do another full inspection because my mattresses being on the floor was killing my back and she said he was just going to check the bad things, so guess what?? I GOT A BED!!!! i wasted no time in putting this bad boy together and it feels soo good, man, you just dont know! i also put my desk and my tall dresser in here. I have someplace to put my clothes and it is so awesome. Other than that and Randy effing up my day by deciding he was going to come at the ass crack of dawn on the one day i get to sleep in (meaning tomorrow instead of tonight) I'm good. I hope everyone in blog land is as happy as i am this moment! muhwah! single and blogging actually had a good day! Diggit!

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Super duper fail...

Well bloggers, you have to hand it to me... When I fail, I fail with a collossal damn. My house failed inspection. There were no batteries in the smoke detectors, a fact I had neglected to notice because I took it for granted that they would be working, after all the carbon monoxide detector worked... The garbage disposal, which I have been calling them about repeatedly, still didnt work. The garage door doesnt open and close properly. I knew it was wonky but uhm, I have no car so it wasnt a priority. Window in the dining room doesnt stay open, if i had been a window person I would have noticed this. They want a carbon monoxide detector upstairs, no biggie. The funniest was that after they told me they were under no obligation to provide a stove they told section eight that they were providing it. Well, I think we both know that my stove is old and pretty much a big gold paperweight... It took seven bours to bake a chicken... Called them about the smoke detector that was missing from my girls room. There are wires hanging from the ceiling because they never put the thing on. I tried standing in a chair to reach it and I'm still about two feet to short, thats how tal the ceilings upstairs are. So now instead of section eight covering ninty percent of Septembers rent, I have to cover all of it and I STILL cant set up my furniture. Like I said, when I fail at something I really fail. I have read what everyone said and the encouraging words and I appreciate them but my faith in what I did being the right decision was already fragile and now its broken. I heard someone say once how many times must i break before I shatter... I dont have much glue that can repair faith left. Home depot doesnt sell faith restore... I definately know that i was wrong in uprooting my kids. New chances or not, this move was a bad idea... What the hell have i done???

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Fail...

Sometimes every now and then in the past, I felt like no matter what I did for my kids, it was never enough. I felt like I would just miss the bar that said I did a good job as a parent that day. Now more than ever these past few weeks, Ive felt like that bar is getting farther and farther away and no matter what i do to try and reach it, it just keeps getting further out. I think moving here was a bad idea. Nothing is really going my way. I have only been able to cook three full meals in as many weeks and job hunting is hard when you have to walk a mile to the closest bus stop. I think I made a huge mistake. In my effort to get my kids room to grow I stunted them horribly but bringing them someplace not even i can survive. What do I do? Im lost and dont think I can find my way out of the hole this time...

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So why do I love my phone??

Because it has a blogger app!! I am really and truely starting to love this phone for everything it is. I may not have internet on my computer, but I have blogger, fscebook, and now google has decided it wants me to be a twit, so I have a twitter! For those of you that have twitter and use it, you can look me up under Claudette L. Wilson. My whole name wouldnt fit so 8 went with just the maiden. So okay, this is going to be short because my fingers hurt and I think next time I am going to try to use the talk feature on my phone. Back to writing on my story! Talk to you all soon!

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Leaving New Jersey

Well, the move is now in one solid week.  I have a few more things to do in said week but basically a lot of it is done.  I did have a bucket list but In it's defense it was kinda astronomical and very unlikely so...

But here were a few things on it:

 1. Have a night at a real NYC club.  In all my 30 years, I have never been to a club.   The tunnel in Charlotte in 1997 doesn't count because I was underage, it was lame and at the moment it is a gay mexican bar. 

2.  Girls night out.  This one isn't really BUCKET LIST fodder, it's just New Jersey Bucket list.  I mean I'm going down to where I have a bunch of female friends.  I'm pretty certain that sometime soon I am going to get a girls night out.

3. Hook up with at least one of my crushes here in NJ.  Heh, they call it a bucket list for a reason folks.  You're supposed to have totally unrealistic things on it.  If ANY of the guys that I have ever had a crush on in this state ever just decided, WTH and came up to me and kissed me, Lemme tell you I'd be one happy camper but that so isn't going to happen... even though for the last two nights one of them has been walking through my dreams like he's on a mission to drive me nuts.  That's okay, I'll just go down to NC, find me a nice guy named Bubba and live on a shrimping boat with him.  I plan to birth out his chillins between shrimp hauls and we's gonna name then Bubba one, Bubba Two Bubba three and Forrest, cause he's gonna be our best good buddy....


LMAO.  Oh stop looking at me like that!  Ya'll knew I was insane about five minutes after you met me... 

Still leaving NJ is a big step.  In the past I have moved wherever the wind, school, and military took me.  I have never once made the conscious decision to move.  And every time I thought of home, I realized I came back here.  But here ten or twelve years ago is not the same as here now.  My friends have grown and changed and in some cases grown away from who I used to know.  The wavelength just even there for us.  Some friends, I don't even talk to.  Some... well... regardless of where my friends and I are on our friendship roads, only time will tell if we all still keep in touch.  As of yet I only have one reason to come back to NJ and thats for a wedding that I have been told if I don't attend, she's going to come down to NC and kick my ass.  I am so laughing at that.  I mean, she will.  She'll totally kick my ass but you gotta admit, that it one hell of a wedding invitation...  Other than that though, I won't have any other reason to come back.  After next Saturday, this won;'t be home anymore.

Oh well...

Marriage and the guy

In the two and a half hours sleep I got this morning (My neighbor's birthday was yesterday and the woman is a hard core partyer... she partied from three in the afternoon Saturday to three in the morning this morning.  Or rather thats when the music went down.) I managed to dream of my Asian guy again. 

Although I think that the dream I had this morning is a direct reflection on my extreme want to be married again.  I dreamt of my wedding and I got to see the dress I have been dreaming about and how it would most possibly look on me.  I have to say that it was very pretty.

I won't go into detail describing the dress... It's not important.  As much as I want to believe that this mystery man that I see in my dreams is out there waiting for me, I am giving up hope slowly.

Don't start consoling me.  It's okay.  I figure I had my chance and even though it wasn't the most ideal situation, I still managed to frick it up and I am one of those people that only get one chance.  So oh well.  I can deal with the no more marriage and maybe even the no more babies thing, but dammit, I want sex.

Sigh... I'm going to make my sims get busy...

Single and blogging and infinitely just that...

So... dreams...

I have been having this reoccurring dream for the last five days and it's not so much as the same thing over and over  (which I guess reoccurring means) but more like a story that just keeps playing until I wake up and when I get back to sleep it unpauses...

So for the last few years I have sworn off black men.  I haven't found one yet that knows how to treat a woman.  In my minds eye, a tall Italian came and swept me off my feet.  I don't know why, it's just been the ideal that  held onto and all men that even acted like I was someone they were interested in me was held up to that standard and sorry to say, failed horribly.

I could never see his actual face in my minds eye and few dreams.  I just knew that he was dark haired, mediteranian skinned, and taller than me with a deep voice.

Now, the last five nights, I have dreamt of another man, Surprisingly enough, he is Asian.  Never before have been attracted to an Asian man but this guy, I know this guy is the one that is the other half of me.  He is about my height, maybe a few inches taller, he wears his black hair short with a bit of a spiky look but I know that it isn't stiff because in my dreams, I have run my hands through it a million times and it smells of almonds.  He has brown eyes that slant the exact same way that mine do and in my dreams, I never have to ask him whats up because it's right there in his eyes.  His mouth isn't small but it isn't wide and his lips are soft as peach fur when you run it over your cheek going down (not going up)  His hands are soft  And for an Asian man, rather large.  I know that they are bigger than mine (which is saying something).  His build isn't athletic, in fact, he has a slight pudge in his stomach and a sprinkling of hair on his chest. (In the past I have abhorred hair on the chest.  In excess I still do I don't' actually know why)  He can't run.  I've seen this.  he can catch me though (In one of the episodes, as I am calling them, he was chasing me over a grassy hill and when he caught me we were both out of breath but he kissed me and I could swear my toes curled in and out of the dream.)  He doesn't have a baritone voice, but he does have a tenor voice and you guys, when he says my name (He calls me Claudette.  NO MAN has ever called me Claudette.)  I feel a shiver that again if I feel it that strongly while dreaming, I know I have to be tingling IRL.  I don't care if he's just calling my name or it's one of THOSE dreams and he says it in my ear, I still feel the tingle.

And his physical is not all I see.  IN my dreams, he plays with my children.  He plays basketball and soccer with Jovaughn, he does Karate with Kayla, and he jumps rope with Olivia.   My kids don't call him anything.  It seems the sound in my dream always, always, ALWAYS fails when it comes time to say his name and I can't read lips to tell what it is...

The last piece of the puzzle or perhaps, a big middle piece is he has a daughter and we have a daughter.  I can tell that the older Asian girl is maybe older than Jovaughn and no relation to me but I feel in my heart, that this is my child.  I love her like I love Jovaughn, Kayla Grace, and Olivia.  As for the little girl, She is clearly mine and my mystery mans child.  She has curly black hair and in the dream she is about two.  She's built like Olivia (That same dainty way that almost makes you think she's going to be petite ALL her life)  She has his face but my eyes.  And the thing that makes me know she is my daughter, she has my mothers hands.  Thick fingers with delicate tips  Fingers that say she can handle a wrench (Or will when shes older) but also play the piano.

I can't figure it out.  I know this man (And his daughter(s)) but I don't know this man.  I love this man, but I don't even know his name.  This man, whoever he is, makes me feel so complete that I want to be in his loving gaze for the rest of my life.

I can't keep dreaming about him.  I am in danger of falling in love with him and God help me if there meant to be men between he and I meeting, they will not stand a chance.

Oh bloggers, what am I going to do.

Single and blogging doesn't feel single... She feels complete but incomplete...

July...

My my my, July got here fast.  I guess I should actually start packing, huh?  In a way, now that July is here, I am sad.  i didn't get to spend enough time with my friends, I didn't go to very many parties, I didn't go on one single solitary date...Wait... why am I whining?  I'm going to a brand new state where people may want to invite me to parties because they don't know yet that I'm a wallflower!  I may get asked out by someone that's cute. (I have this running gag with my friend John that I am going to get down there and get engaged to some guy named Bubba and we'll run a shrimping business)

I am seriously going to miss New Jersey.  I'm not fool enough to believe everyone when they say "now I have a reason to come down to North Carolina" and "I promise I will come visit."  I know that I will probably never get to see a lot of the people I call friends here but there are only a few that I am truly going to miss.  And I don't have to say that here for them to know I am going to miss them.  They are for all intensive purposes the sisters my mom didn't have but God gave anyway.  He even arranged for me to meet one of them in quite possibly the most unorthodox way two people could ever meet!


Did i ever tell you how my BFF&E met?  No?  It's a funny story.  I will have to tell it sometime.  Not now though.

Yes, I am going to miss them...  Truth be told I'm pretty sure they are the only people who can put up with my major mood swings.  My mom can't even keep up.  And I've got all angles covered.  I have the galpal that will walk me through the deeper meaning of why I feel that way so that in the end I feel better.  I have the galpal that will just walk with me, both literally and figuratively, until I stop saying everything is fine and start talking.  Then I have the galpal that demands that I talk.  I mean demands, and then gives me the biggest hugs or she'll just stare at me like "WTF?  this is what you're stressing about?!?!  That's nothing, let's fix that right now"  I'm not going to find replicas of them in Charlotte and truthfuly, I don't want replicas.  I don't want to replace them, I want them.  If i could pack them and their families up and move them to NC with me I so would.

So lately I ave found myself changing my appearance.  I've gotten colored contacts, I've lost weight, I'm pretty much tossing out my wardrobe and am going to dress my age and not twenty years older...  I am serious, I am going on a manhunt.  I had a crush one one main guy here.  I have no clue why I fell so hard for him and part of me is still hoping for just one kiss before I go.  I'm not really into him anymore but hell a kiss from him would be one hell of a send off, but stupid stupid me, I can't tell him that I llike him!  Rumor from a friends dad said that he said if i wanted him to just go for him but I have never been that bold and the few times I was bold, I think he thought I was kidding...

Fark it.  I'm going to take my Michael Buble and go to bed...

Happy fourth of July

Single and blogging is probably going to miss the fireworks... Definately going to miss them...

Okay so....

I had a bit f a blow up on Facebook.  I'm only going to apologize for it here hough.  The person in question needs to sit back and wonder if I am talking about her.

I'm all for letting your friends know whats going on in your life and I admit every blue moon over Miami I am guilty of posting about my right foot while I'm on my left... Okay I'm not but I am guilty of excessive posting sometimes.

But this girl... OMG!! I'm going to the gym... boot camp... tired...going to the gym... bootcamp...omg what a great workout... going to the beach...going to the gym...bootcamp...so tired...going to bed...going to the gym...bootcamp...

Over and over and OVER!!!  It never farking stops.  I swear I just want to message her and tel her no one give a crap.  No shit, I have deleted this person four times from my friends list on facebook and four damn times she's come back.  She just doesn't seem to get that if your buddies with someone on facebook one day and not the next then maybe they got deleted.  I can almost see coming back once but after two three or four times I would wonder if they were deleting me on purpose.

Trust me when i tell you she's only still there because it's easier to have her there than to wake up to a friend request every morning.

My high school friends are funny.  Most of them I don't really talk to anymore because they've changed as people are apt to do over 13 years time.  I really only talk to the friends I talk to from high school because none of them have really changed since High school.  True they are all moms now but two of them were like my moms in high school and let me tell you I was a handful so they are well equipped to handle just about anything now.  The other has always sort of been that friend that stood on the outskirts but was still consider a really good friend by me nonetheless.  She did a little bit of Momming me too so I know her son and her future children will be well covered as well.  Then there are people like the one I will call the Disneyfreak.  She changed so much that in her warped mind we are all the enemy.  not sure what happened there but I strongly suggest that it may be that she still owns her V card and holding on to that excessively can make a person loose their minds.  Then there was the great dirty one.  I can only hope she's changed but I know she hasn't so... yeah...

Where was I going with this?  I have no freaking clue.  This is what having no kids in my house does for me.  My mind wanders and stays out past the streetlights coming home.  Tonight is one of those nights.  It's out there

I didn't even have the heart to tell my Sims what to do today... 

Gah!  I'm going to read...

Single and Blogging is bored and we know that means trouble so everyone refer to page 12 in your Disaster Preparation manuals...

Oy!!! What a day!!

I can do this without tears or cussing because at this point, I have now gotten eight full hours of sleep and am able to do like the psychologists say and look back with a bit of a laugh.  not a big laugh, but still a laugh...

So yesterday I took the kids up to my mother in law so that they could spend a week with her.  Randy is going to meet them up there Friday and they are going to celebrate the fourth there.  Then they are coming back because I finally made Randy see that although I would LOVE LOVE, LOVE a month to myself while I prepare to pull up stakes and head out of dodge, it wasn't worth it to the kids because they would spend 7am to 5pm in day camp and then three nights a week with a babysitter while he goes to school.  They wouldn't be spending the summer with Daddy, they'd be spending the Summer in Daddy's general vicinity.  He understood and finally agreed!  Yay me!!

And don't get me wrong I still think my mother in law is quite possibly a decent sized thorn in my side but after this month, I really won't have to deal with her as much anymore.  I won't be an hour and a half away and therefore in her summoning circle.  So anyway.  I took the kids up to Newark to meet her.  That actually went off without a hitch.  My train was scheduled to leave at 8:23 on track four so we said out goodbyes and parted ways.  I sat on the platform for probably twenty minutes due to the delayed status of my train.  It stayed delayed until 8:41 when it changed to canceled.  I didn't freak out, bloggers.  I held my cool.  I found a train station official and asked him what I was supposed to do now.  He said in one of the thickest Jamaican accents I've heard in a long time that I was supposed to get on the 9;21 local train.  I wasn't happy about it but what can you do?  You have to get home somehow. 



OMG!  The train was sooo crowded.  I mean there was barely standing room that's how crowded.  As I stood there panting because it was soo hot on the train one of the guys in a seat looked up and said "I can't have  you standing.  It's got to be hard to stand to stand like that!"  Then he moved and gave me his seat.  As I got marginally comfortable, he asked me when I was due and suddenly his chivalry made sense.  I looked up at him and told him late October. 

Oh don't look at me that way, I know it was wrong.  I also know that that one little sentence probably earned me an extra hot fire in hell but it got me a seat. 

Soon enough the train thinned out and I was able to get really comfortable so I slid on my music and let the train lull me to sleep.  I so wish I hadn't gone to sleep, Because when I woke up I was in REALLY unfamiliar territory.

That Territory being Trenton.  Okay, now i was upset.  I was panicked and upset and all the things that a person could be when they find themselves in strange territory.  I was crying and I was angry at myself for falling asleep and I was angry at the train official in Newark that told me to get on this train.  The police officer in the transit center in Trenton told me that I would probably have to go back o Newark to get on the train to bring me back to Long Branch.  I was even more upset to learn that the train to take me back up wouldn't get there until 11 and by the time I got home it would be close to two.

Turns out that when you cry and blubber and basically live up to every stereotype of brainless women that men hold dear, they like you just a little bit more.  So I cried, and a blubbered, and I whimpered.  And I got to ride the train back to Rahway for free.  The train to Long branch was only ten minutes later and guess what?!  It was one of the double trains!  Yay!  Got to Long Branch and the last Asbury train was waiting at the tracks. 

So one would think there ends my tale, right?  Nope.  I didn't have the five on me to catch a cab from the train station so I hoofed it.  Really so not the drama.  I walk the same walk almost everyday to get to the bus for work.  What was the drama? 

The Drama was when a car pulled up alongside of me and two white guys sat inside and the one in the passenger side asked me if I could give him and his friend a early morning special.  UNBELIEVABLE!  Granted I was dressed in my not much of a shirt scarf shirt but still!!!

I was tired.  My feet hurt.  My back hurt.  I had to use the potty.  What else could I have done?  I approached the car and and was about to tell them exactly how to get to the part hell they needed to be in, I saw the driver move his hand to just below his leg.  And it hit me.  VICE SQUAD!! Are you freaking kidding me??   I smiled, I leaned in and told them that I don't know who taught the police how to troll for hookers but they don't use phrases like 'early morning special' and that when looking for a hooker, it's not wise to roll two by two.  Then I leaned up and walked home.

I mean come on!  On the bright side I can now move away from Asbury Park with the full knowledge that I have been mistaken for someone else by both Asbury Public School Truant officers and now the Vice Squad.

Oh you didn't hear bout the truant officer?  That's a really short story.  About five months after I moved here I was walking back from somewhere and the police that pick up the kids cutting school (yes, they actually have that) asked me if I had a good reason for not being in school.  I said yes, I had graduated ten years prior.  He asked for ID and I didn't have any.  I must not have been going far or whatever because I had nothing but a few dollars on me.  Suffice to say this didn't  follow with the officer who made me get in the car and he drove me to the high school.  The lady in the office told him that she didn't recognize me.  I told her it was because I wasn't a student there, I was a great grown woman with kids of her own.  Ya!  In Asbury Park, that's not actually something that screams "I'm not in high school, you jackass!"  I  was given the opportunity to prove my age by calling someone to prove how old I was.  To his credit, the officer looked apologetic and drove me home saying he was sorry.

So I've been confused for a high school kid and a hooker.  I have been told that I looked young    and I've been told I looked trashy.  BY THE COPS.

I think it's time to leave Asbury Park...  What do you think?

Single and blogging is never taking the train again...