Gear grinding

And yes, this is going to be one of those blogs where I complain a bit.

So for the last two or three weeks, my left shoulder has been in constant pain.  Sort of like I pulled it out of the socket but I know I didn't because I can still move it.  If I pulled it out I would be in someone's ER crying and carrying on like a baby.  I know this, it has happened before and as much as I want to say, "I've been through childbirth three times, I can handle that kind of pain!" I can't.  As a matter of fact, if I ever look at you and say that, slap me and remind me that the kind doctors knocked my fool ass out until each of my babies were born so I didn't feel a damn thing.

Back to my pain.  It's been like this for about two or three weeks.  It's becoming increasingly hard to move despite it.  I can do my job, yes, but lifting Pizza's off the oven with the grasper, not so much fun.  Especially when someone orders an extra large or a large with every freaking topping we have on the sumbitch.  I've tried hot showers, I've tried my muscle relaxers thinking it was just a pulled muscle.  I've tried my Ibuprofen thinking that it was swelling that needed to go down.  That just made my stomach hurt and I AM NOT repeating the experience that eventually led me to a prescription of Omeprazole and a colonoscopy.  No thank you, Not going to happen.  I even tried my tramadol and got no results whatsoever.  I even tried slamming my shoulder into a wall to try and shove it back in place.  That particular episode ending with me crying and curled up in a ball on the floor.  No I'm serious.  In a ball.  On the floor.

So today I got up and went to my doctors office.  Keep in mind that this is the very same woman who refuses to get the numbness in my hands checked out and has told me that I am to wear braces that cause the shit to hurt more at night.  She steadfastly refuses to give me a referral to see if it's carpal tunnel enough for surgery or maybe a pinched nerve since it affects both hands.  There is NO ONE sitting in the lobby.  As I walk up, I can see her sitting at the desk surfing Facebook on the computer.  I ask if she has a spare five minutes to see me so I can ask her about my shoulder.  The nurse receptionist rather rudely informs me that Dr. Lewis doesn't have the time to see me nor does she do walk in appointments.  I'm like I just need to ask her about my shoulder and she's over there on Facebook.  At this point the receptionist moves to block my view of Dr. Lewis and says I;l have to make an appointment and the next one they have is a month from now.  So I'm supposed to live in daily pain for a month?  She then tells me to try an urgent care clinic although she doesn't know that they will do anything for me because they can't prescribe narcotics.

EXCUSE ME?!?!?  I'm sorry,. did I come in here asking for a fix to stop my pain?? No, I came in asking if the doctor could look at it.  Never once did the phrase "Can I get something for the pain" come out of my mouth.  Bitch I have narcotics at home.  If I needed something strong, I could probably get it somewhere.  I don't need you to pass judgement on me.  No, none of this came out of my mouth.  I did however give her the look that said all of this.  I turned to walk away but ever the lady, I turned and said, "Thank you.  Have a nice day."

So there's an Urgent care affiliated with CMC actually right down the street from me.  Most medicaid people don't go there because I kinda live in a nice part of town that suggest one of those urgent care visits would cost you a first born and they don't take Medicaid.  The visits do cost a pretty penny, but they do take medicaid.  The woman was nice.  She consulted with a practitioner there who said they could see me but if it's the rotator cup like she thinks, that would be a referral to orthopedics.  Something I would have to get from Dr. Lewis. (Oh joy!)  They just have to call CMC Biddlepoint to get the okay for them to see me.  The woman tried eight times to get through and the number just kept hanging up on her.  I tried a few times and it kept hanging up on me.  So no they couldn't see me.  Yes, I am still in pain.  No I am not a happy camper right now.

This is why people complain about medicaid.  They take forever, most of the doctors do the bare minimum and they are not people friendly at all unless the moon has circled the sun and butterflies have pooped rainbows. It's a pain in the ass and if I could afford actual heath insurance coverage I would so get it  So now I don't know what to do... Book the appointment a month from now and just deal with the pain or go to the freaking Emergency room and try them.  I so don't want to go to the ER because truthfully this is NOT an emergency.  IF I've lived with it for three weeks can I not live with it for another four?  That being said the long I take to decide this the more chances I have that the one appointment she had a month from now will be booked and I will have to wait two months.  IF I go to the ER, I run the risk of them thinking I'm a pill seeker in which case, they will pull up my record that the military was kind enough to release that clearly states I have a Narc case out on me that will never freaking go away. (I was a bad girl.  When my marriage was bad, I tried twice to overdose on pills so now I'm classified as a narc case and can only be prescribed low level narcs unless actually admitted.)  Also, if I go to the ER, Medicaid will yell at me for not waiting to see my doctor since I obviously wasn't in so much pain that I needed a ride or wasn't screaming in agony.  IF they'd like I can scream, but my heart wouldn't be in it.

MEdical problems. ::Rolls eyes::

In other news. I have all but given up on the guy that things were actually going pretty nice with at the top of the summer.  I can't get him to spend any time with me.  Even when we are both off work.  The summer excuse was that he was always fishing.  Then as that seemed to play out, the tags on his car are out of date and he doesn't want to get pulled over (But he can go to Volleyball every Sunday with no qualms.  A place that's further away than my house.)  As of Sunday, his car is now over heating...  Also even I have a line.  If you know me in real life, then you know that I rarely invite people over my house when my kids are here.  Men Women, anyone.  Definitely not men. There are only two guys besides my ex that have ever been here when my kids were here and both of them were here only to ask me a question or pick me up and the time spend around my kids could be measured in the minute range.  Like less than five.  I actually invited him over for spaghetti and movie night a few days ago and he completely blew me off.  If the subject had come up around any of our mutual friends, they would have told him that for me to invite him to come to the house and not only eat but sit and watch a movie while the girls were home was a HUGE thing.  Something that happens like...never.  Also, you generally only get one shot at that invite.  His loss.

My birthday is coming up.  In fact it's exactly a week from now.  I'm going to celebrate ON Sunday, I hope.  It may not happen but I hope it does.  I told the ladies at church that I don't have custody of my girls on the weekends so they can't be in any of the programs unless cleared by me and their father beforehand.  Apparently that just means jump over me and ask my mom.  This weekend was all set.  I was going to as their father to keep them and take them to school Monday morning.  That way, I could party Sunday night and be fine by the time the buss brought them home at five that afternoon.  When the youth advisors talked to my mom about parts in this Sunday's show, she decided that Randy could bring the kids to her Sunday night and that she would take them to church and the program then bring them back that night.

Here's the thing.  If she brings them back that night, I can't drink or have real fun because the party wasn't even scheduled to start until like six.  She would be bringing them home in time for bed at nine thirty which means I would get about three hours of non alcoholic fun in before I had to go home and be mom.

No.  On so many many levels no.  Just no.  I'm waiting to hear back from Randy to see if he has to work this weekend and if he can keep the girls and drop them at school monday morning.

I'm getting really sick of no one listening to me on how I want to live my life and raise my kids.  Everyone thinks they know better.  I'm actually starting to think that maybe I should find someplace else to live.  My mother has my aunt now.  She doesn't need me around.  And honestly, ever since the last fight we had about her running my life where she called me an asshole and hung up on me, I haven't much felt like my mom is someone I want to always have in my loops.  I know it's wrong on so may levels to think that way, but neither of us is going to apologize for what was said that night and although she seems to be working on the "Forget what was said and let's act all buddy buddy again" theory, it's hard to forget or forgive when your own mother steps into the middle of your problems with the ex, creates even more problems and then takes his side because you don't do what she wants you to do.

And on top of that, my bullshit tolerance level is being slow to drain so the one person who usually skates around my last nerve at work is straight jumping on said nerve.  I've been really good though.  For three days now, I haven't said a word to her so there's no conflicts at work.  If I just stay quiet until my tolerance level has bottomed out I should be fine.  And it's not just her.  A lot of just straight bullshit is wearing on me.  Stuff that usually doesn't bother me all that much suddenly is just like the end of the world now.

My period is three days late.  Not even a sign of it.  If I had been having sex, I might be worried.  The fact that I am having horrible mood swings, and hot flashes followed by cold flashes is leading me to think that I might just be about to step into the menopause circle.  NOrmally, this is something that I would accept and keep on trucking.  I mean honestly, it means no periods anymore right?  I should be happy.  No, I'm over here freaking out because my period.

My birthday is in a week and I keep joking that I'm turning 25 and will stay that way until further notice but people on my facebook have been calling me out and telling me to be proud of my age and all that crap.  I am proud of my age.  I am proud that I lived this long.  So what if I don't want to claim it??  What the eff business is it of anyone else?  See??? This is the shit that should just roll off my back but it's not.  It's getting stuck there like gum in my hair because my bullshit tolerance level just won't drain.

I need the shit to drain so that I can go back to be happy go lucky me.  Walking around thinking horrible things about certain people all the time is not good for me.  I can hold them in a for awhile but then they get bored in my head and take walk out of my mouth and I lose friends.  I don't want to lose friends.

For now, I'm just keeping my distance and keeping quiet.  If I do that, I should be able to hold out until it's safe to talk again.

People always say be yourself.  Right now, I wish I were anyone BUT myself.