Hmmm

Bloggers I am so tired that if I actually closed my eyes right now (Which is impossible due to the very LARGE cup of diesel fuel I *think* was coffee that I had this morning.) I would sleep for hours.

Drove up to Margretsville, NC for homecoming at the church my family has belonged to for over 100 years.  We were there from 10:15 until about 1:45... So long day.  It was okay.  I really do think that I gave Sunday's there a bad judgement call because I was so young and basically hated church in general back then.  They had wooden seats that were just plain uncomfortable, service was way too early... you know, the normal bratty kid problems...

So we went up for Homecoming like I said and it was okay.  Let's leave it at that.

It was kinda of a bittersweet trip.  My cousins are moving to be closer to their children.  One is going to Upper New Jersey and the other to Texas.  The big house is up for sale and there aren't any cousins that we're close to up there anymore so I think that this is the last time we're going to see my family's home church unless we make a special trip up there which is highly unlikely to tell you the truth.

One thing that bothers me.  Over and over, one of my cousins said that I was a surprisingly good this or a surprisingly good that.  That I have really grown up... The usual things that older family members say to someone... but they alternately annoyed me and made me wonder... was I really THAT BAD as a child/teenager???

Okay yeah, I was a normal disaffected teen.  I had a complex where I seriously though that I was white for a long time.  A really long time.  The far reaching effects of this are that I don't see color barriers like some people do, but when I say I thought I was white, believe me when I say this was a bad thing.  I acted like the kids in my school who had an actual silver spoon in their mouths, not the silver colored plastic spoon I had in mine.... yeah... And that's not a knock at white people or the kids in OTHS or my friends from OTHS.  I just forgot that in reality, I was one of 25 black kids in a sea of over 300 whites and that I lived in the projects across the highway.  Made me who I am so it's all good.  Back to subject... I wasn't a very tolerable person.

I guess I didn't realize just how much of a turd I was though because quite literally everything I did brought on the comment "You turned out well", or "I didn't think you'd grow up, but you did" in some version or another and Oh man, did it really grind on my nerves to think about what I must have been like.

I also came to the conclusion in the country that I am the problem in most of my day to day dealings.  I don't communicate or in some cases, I'm sure I over communicate.  I always want what's unobtainable to me and I keep wanting it even after I realize it's unobtainable.  I think that it being unobtainable makes it even more appealing to me most times but no more. The straw that was meant to break the camel's back has officially broken it and I'm done.

If you don't want me, I will live.  If you don't like me, I will live.  If you feel like I'm not worth it, then you know what?  I will live.  It will be difficult to do so at first, but I will live.  And I will prosper.  I don't know how yet, but I will.

Crazy summer.  And It's not over yet.  The ex leaves tonight go get his mother and sister from NY to come live in Charlotte.  You may see a lot more blogs on the subject soon.  Depends on how separate I manage to keep my life and how much of a thud there will be when I fail...  We'll see.