...it was pouring, I'd still rather be snoring... that is if I did snore... WHICH I DON'T... no matter what anyone tells you, I don't snore... lol...
It's just one of those bleach! kinda days. I'm sitting here and I have done all the facebooking I can do and even though I pay for pogo, it's just not holding my interest today.
So someone else on my facebook got engaged and posted it. I am happy for them. I haven't seen this person face to face since fourth grade but I am still happy for them. Then this morning, after reading that of course, I went back to bed simply because I was in a blah kinda of mood to match the bleach kinda of day and that combination usually means go back to bed before my fingers start insulting someone.
Guess what dream I had!! Go on guess!! Oh you're no fun! Oh, wait! You in the back with the baseball cap on! What'd you say? Yep! You're right!
I had another dream about him.
It's funny how every dream is more and more detailed in every way except his goddamn face. Can someone please tell me that I know he is slightly taller than me with black hair that's sprinkled with a touch of grey, he speaks in a baritone, and isn't thin but isn't pudgy? Huh? I mean, WTF. I can tell you he has a daughter (maybe a son) but no one ever says her name because everyone in the bloody dream knows it. The few sentences that my subconcious can retain are very fuzzy. I don't even know what the conversation in the dream was about only that he has a really really deep baritone voice. The kind that rolls over you like Barry White.
This one I think we were at a party in New Jersey. I can't tell. Andi was there and Kristen was there. John was there as well as a host of people that I know but sorry to say weren't prominent enough for their faces to stay in my subconscious mind's eye. Anyway I think it was just a regular run of the mill party because I don't remember anyone dressed up. And it was outside. I actually think I was picturing Andi's Engagement party because the scene so much as I can remember looked exactly like that. Or maybe I'm just associating that party with the get together I saw in my dream.
You know somewhere, somehow, I hope he's having dreams like this where he can hear my voice and at times see my body but never my face and never hear my name and I hope that it's driving him just as mental as it's driving me.
Hehe! Maybe we'll meet in the mental ward when both of us finally go nuts!
Okay, that wasn't really funny, but still.....
I'm tired. I want to find someone. Part of the purpose of moving down to Charlotte was to find someone that could make me happy. To stop trying to flirt with guys who would never in a million years want me like, for example, Brent. He was a guy that I really liked in New Jersey. I mean really really liked. I hadn't had a crush like that since Chico Perotto in high school. He was out of my league and part of me knew that but a small part of me thought maybe, just maybe I might twitch my ass just the right way and he'd ask me out. I tried, lord help me I tried. I would get all tongue tied around him and not know what to say and where as in my mind he had to see that I was infatuated with him I know that what he really saw was a brainless twit that couldn't have a decent conversation with him, but bloggers I wanted him.
Could it be that Randy was my only shot at companionship that I'm ever going to get in this life? I no longer feel like I fucked that up. But then I'm currently mad at him so when I reach a plateau where we're on speaking terms again I might have one of those moments where I examine my behavior during that time period.
Was he the only person in my life that's ever going to want to make love to me? He never actually loved me so does that mean I'm not ever going to know the kind of love that my friends have? I'm just the one whose smile gets hollower and hollower every time they announce one of those milestones that only true love can get you to? I am going to turn out to be that old lady who was married once and never had a man again. I just know it. I can't even put gratuitous one night stand sex on my have done list. (okay I can but that was before I was married and I was very very drunk and well... it didn't count.) Mainly because I never get to go anywhere that would put me where I could meet a guy to have nameless faceless sex somewhere with. (not that I would want that. Okay you caught me, I would like that once or twice in my life so that when I'm old and telling my life story to my grandkids, I can say "I did that!!")
Times like now I really wish I had slept with that guy I had a date with in college. The one that pulled out the fifty at McDonalds. (You laugh, but that really happened to me.) Maybe if I had my life would have been a totally different life right now.
Le Sigh!
Terminally Single and Blogging is going to sign off for now. Maybe go watch Shrek Forever After.
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