Who am I anymore?

When I started in pizza I was ecstatic because I was working with friends. It had its ups and downs but damn it was fun. When I got to this leg of my cheesy journey I was still with friends but one by one my friends get treated like dirt and they leave. And there’s nothing wrong with that. No one should be treated the way this company treats their employees. But I’m still here. I’ve had blow ups and meltdowns, I’ve had breakdowns and meltdowns. But I’m still here and I can’t figure out what is wrong with me that I take this abuse day after day after day. In the past few months I went from a reasonably healthy slightly stressed out individual to a burnout stressed beyond relief shell of my former self who now, thanks to this very same company now has a heart problem. I honestly don’t even remember what I was like before this. My past is forgotten and my future looks so bleak. But still I stay. When am I going to learn that sometimes you have to sacrifice that dollar bill for a better inner you. I’m tired, I’m lonely, I’m so stressed I don’t think I can internalize anymore stress. My chest hurts every night now. I don’t eat. When I do eat I don’t have time to eat right. I’ve lost so much weight that I don’t even buy the belts for plus size anymore.  I want to be with someone but who is going to want a woman that is liable to have a heart attack and keel over because she won’t leave a job that is knowingly hellbent on killing her??

A new page in the Hut of Drama

So today, Mother’s Day.  Happy one to anyone mother reading.  My very first communication was "Happy Mother’s Day can you come in early so I can leave?"

Two hours with my kids.  That’s all I got.

Get here and by three fifteen I was by myself and slaying it out.  At ten to five one of my drivers says he’s going to be fifteen late but I couldn’t respond because I was literally by myself in here.  The cook, who lives with aforementioned driver, comes in and says that driver said he doesn’t feel well and he’s not coming in.  If I/ we have a problem with it, we can call him about it.  I passed the message onto my boss.

Idk what happened between them but driver then comes up in here pissed off and seeing red wanting to know where the manager that asked me to come in early is.  I told him she left between two thirty and three.  He said alright, pushed past me and walked out.

Y’all I don’t know what about to go down in my hut but if this is the last time I post know it was probably because I knifed him for coming at me.  I’m not planning it but no one is going to come at me intent on harm.

But at the same time I am actually scared that he might come back up here.  I have minors in here.  Hell I have my DAUGHTER in here.  I will protect them.

On another note. I purchased 1000mg cbd oil the other day.  It says it can help with a whole bunch of things including depression.  We’ll see if it works.  Maybe this can help

Pull me out of this hole I’m in.

God I hope he doesn’t come back up here tonight.  I don’t wanna go to jail.  Orange is soooo not my color.  And handcuffs hurt like hell.

I really need to quit this job...

Soul catching

So today was surprisingly not a seriously awful no good very bad day.  I mean it wasn’t jump up and rejoin life on Facebook because I’m suddenly happy good but it was a "maybe I’ll think twice about walking out into rush hour traffic" good.

That’s something.... right??

Maybe it was because I got to spend a good hour or so on the road taking deliveries.  I got to breathe fresh air, I got to listen to my music and drive fast.

Maybe that’s what I need?  Maybe it’s being cooped up in the store all day long that’s killing my soul?  And maybe it’s coworkers who think entirely too highly of themselves.

We have this one guy.  He swears he’s trying to be a shift leader.  That would be good if he weren’t one of those stand on your soapbox and scream until you think people are finally paying attention to you kind of people.  He actually got high and or drunk one night and called me at two am to rant about shit.

Because calling your boss at two am is totally acceptable.  Totally.

Not.  Not in any existence is that remotely okay to do.  

And every other shift or lately every single shift he either doesn’t feel well or is still hurt from an accident a few weeks ago or some other excuse and has to leave.  Making our delivery times through the roof and usually putting more work into the other drivers and the managers because we now have to deal with the angry customers who want to scream at us because delivery is so long.

PSA: don’t scream at the people who handle your food.  I’m not saying we will do something to it but do you really want to live with the thought in the back of your mind that maybe they might have done something to it because you were a total bitch on the phone?  I mean... unless it’s a totally open kitchen you don’t see everything...

*shrugs and walks away* Your choice.

I still think this store is slowly and piece by piece stealing my soul and selling to the highest bidder but I’ve got news for them... I signed a contract with the devil years ago.  He owns the soul.  I think I sold it for my divorce... or a chocolate bar.  I didn’t really read the fine print.

I’m still considering other jobs.   I’m always considering other jobs.  Most specifically jobs that allow me a half a chance of moviing to England one day.

I wish I knew why the two times I was in England  my spirit felt like it had finally come home and the two times I flew away from England my spirit curled up in a corner and cried.

I’d ask if any of you ever felt that way but no one 

Ugh...

There is a fundamental disconnect in this place.  There has to be because NOBODY is happy at the same time here.  Nobody.

One week my boss isn’t happy.  The next week the cook isn’t happy.  That same week one of my drivers is pissed off and the customers are bastards.

This place is stealing my joy.  Customers scream at me for shit that is not my fault.  Drivers tell me what they are going to do and in the case of one particular driver not only what he is going to to buy what I am going to as well.  Today my shift leader who was supposed to leave at four decided at two thirty to go on the road with her girlfriend leaving me in the store.  Then she came in and clocked out early without turning over the register so I had to clock her back in to turn over the till.  

At least the dm asked me how I was doing today.  I suppose that makes up for last week when she completely ignored me when this store was in danger of being burnt down by a very psychotic assistant manager who was going to throw her shirt on the flames and dance a merry jig...

And it’s quiet.  So there’s that.  

So I’m standing here about to go back to folding boxes because that’s something to do.  While my driver who is supposed to be either doing boxes or dishes sits on his ass and eats a pizza he made without paying for it.  Cause yeah.  Oh wait... nope he just walked out to the parking lot...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

Maybe if I keep chanting it, I’ll believe it one day...

Doubt it.

Can the rain please stop now???

So we are four days into January and the rain has literally stopped raining for maybe half a day total.  And this is ongoing from 2018.  Like over 100 inches of rain has fallen in the last thirty days and I'm pretty sure if mother nature was trying to drown the eastern part of the country, she's succeeding brilliantly.

I didn't blog yesterday because nothing really significant happened.  I lost a client because she needs a CNA and I don't have that.  But I didn't get fired, they just removed me from the case with a pending status of if they were even going to keep the case.  I feel bad though.  Her son was nice and if he would just gdo the lifting, I would happily do the washing and the grooming and dressing.   And I hate getting up at the crack of dawn and I hate going to bed early so that I can be human in those early hours but i didn't mind going to her.BUt she's completely immobile on one side so she needs a more experienced person and I'm okay with that.

Then I inevitably ended up back at the hut a few times last night because if it can go wrong with the GM is away it will go wrong.  But whatever.  Then i came home and had some tequila rose.  Not a lot but enough that I didn't want to get on Blogger and more than likely whine about what a loser I feel like because I'm still Single.

This year is about being social.  I'm going to hang out with friends, I'm going to make new friends and expand my circle.  I am not going to sit home and watch Hulu and Netflix all night .

I am also not going to make the mistake I made on the second.  I'm not going to talk about the one that got away or rather, the one that never was.  One of the things I got to thinking about last night was I feel like I'm in love with him but in the past five years he hasn't said hello to me, he hasn't wished me a happy birthday, although I do every year, and the only times he's  If I'm going to be in love with him, fine.  That's something I'm going to hold deep inside of me until someone that actually cares for me comes along and burns his name from my heart, but I'm not going to lower myself to wishing and hoping that one day he rides up on a white horse and holds out his hand for me.

Tomorrow I go see Mrs. H and then I'm off to the Hut of Pizza.  I actually like being back at the penitentiary.  unlike Prosperity there's never any time to just chill and deal with BS.  You deal with it on your feet.

Well in the essence of keeping my post short and to the point, I'm off for the night. 

Till tomorrow or the day after.

Happy New Year, I guess...

So I'm not making a resolution or anything (because if you know me, making a resolution is the quickest way to get me to stop doing something) But I'm trying this out to see if I can see how much I change over the course of a year.

I thought about actually writing it down in a book but then, I thought, nah...

So Jan1...

I officially took off the fake wedding ring.  I took it off and set it on the shelf and I think it about it often.  Like at least once every few hours I look at or feel my ring finger where it was for over two years.

At first I was wearing it because it made the men at the Hut stop flirting with me.  Like armor I guess.  Whatever, it worked and the old fugly guys that batted their geriatric eyes at me stopped. 

In a way I feel like it was armor to protect myself from looking at other guys too.

I'm going to say it.  I have been in love with a friend of a friend for almost 8 years.  He's on my Facebook and I think maybe he considers me a friend but I don't really think so.  He doesn't say hello.  He stopped acknowledging any Facebook post I put on his wall years ago and for the last four years, not even a Happy Birthday.  I can't say I'm any better.  I stopped posting on his wall and trying to talk to him because it honestly broke my heart when he didn't respond so I just stopped.  But I didn't fall out of love with him.  I don't even KNOW him.  He never gave me the chance to but for some reason I'm in love with him.

I deny up and down and every possible way that I'm in love... that I've ever even known what love it.  I didn't love my ex husband.  I honored my vows to him but I never actually loved him.  I don't know anything but basics about this guy and if he asked me to I would...

Well I would at least give him a try.  Maybe we wouldn't get along together and maybe we would but a try would be nice.

Whatever. 

Like I said I took off the ring.  I have laid down the armor.  Whether or not he gives me a chance.  I am open for someone to come take a try at me.

Jan 2.


Worked today at the hut.  Still felt for my ring but it's absence didn't bother me as much today as yesterday when the separation was brand new.

I still don;'t know how to flirt or show a man I'm interested in.  So i went back to Tinder.  I was super liked by a guy and I liked him back.  If he responds and says hello maybe we can see in person if we have anything really in common.

I wish I had more to report on today but I can't muster anything, and I have to get to bed.  i have to be up at 6:30 in the morning for my morning client.

I'm tired.  I've fixed my work schedule so that i don't have any days off and it's starting to wear me down.  Like I'm going to crack soon and it's not going to be one of those duct tape and super glue fixes.

Ah well...

A new day starts in 10 minutes and 11 seconds.  Let's see what Jan 3 brings...

Don't think I'm back for good or anything... but...

In some ways I wanted to post this on Facebook and in other ways, I didn't.  I will probably write this here and share it there but whatever...

Today was the national School walk out that lasted seventeen minutes for each of the seventeen people that lost their lives in the Florida school shooting.  I know that when i post this on Facebook, there will be at least one person that is going to be very vocal in his opposition to my thoughts but I'm writing this knowing that and he knows me well enough to know that I will respect his opinions but they won't change mine.  I want to say this loud and clear:

 I IN NO WAY HAVE EVER OR WILL EVER SUPPORT THE ACTIONS TAKEN TODAY.


Why?

Mainly because the very same children, and yes, that is what they are; children who participated in the walkout today are the ones that essentially started the problem in the first place.

In my time at school, if there was a bully, eventually things got a boiling point and children formed a ring around him or her and their victim and after fifteen minutes of screaming "Fight!! Fight!!" and a couple of punches and and maybe a split lip or two the issue was resolved.  Whether or not it was solved entirely in that ring or an adult broke it up, the issue was resolved.

CASE IN POINT:  I have a best friend.  We have been best friends for THIRTY YEARS THIS YEAR.  Wanna know how we met?  A girl I thought was my friend primarily because we were both black girls in a predominately white school pointed across the locker room to a group of girls and told me that that "That girl" said something about my mother.  She never pointed out a specific girl, but for some reason I took one specific girl out to the hallway and slapped the everloving bejesus out of her.  There may have been more to that fight but in my memory, I can only remember that poor girl in the circle of my arms wondering what she did wrong that this angry black girl was screaming at her and i smacked her and she ran.  That poor little girl never once tried to hit me

Yes, I was the bully.  Years later the original black girl that I thought was my friend told me that she just wanted to see a fight and that the poor white girl I drug out to the hall hadn't said anything nor had anyone else but it was neither here nor there.

What made us friends?  Our punishment was to be BFF's for a week.  For a solid week from the time I walked into the damned school until the time I walked out of that damned school, I saw that poor girl.  Monday and Tuesday, we didn't or barely talked.  She resented being punished by having to spend time with me, I resented being punished period considering my mother had beat my ass so hard sitting down was still painful and I had already said I was sorry (I am an only child.  Saying sorry for anything is painful because the world revolves around me.)  But by Wednesday something changed and there was conversation.  By Friday I was introduced to her group of friends and she mine.  We have been friends since that week.

But back to my original thought.

My generation solved the problems it created.  The millennials today?? That's a WHOLE DIFFERENT KETTLE FISH. (Do not ask me what that means, I don't know)

Millennials today see the fat kid in class and blast them on Snapchat, youtube, vine, twitter, etc  and take pictures and video of them eating and pretend that they are eating everything in sight or trampling villages whatever and they make it so that the victim can see it.  Then after the victim has had enough and done something drastic like trying to cut their fat off or OD'd on diet pills or even killed themselves, then those same kids that did the bullying want to go online and on television amd say that they never knew there was  a problem.  They see a kid that sits alone reading gun magazines and drawing guns all over his books and they ignore or worse torment him but when he obtains a gun and shoots up the place, then they want to yell at lawmakers because he was able to obtain that gun.

I'm not forgiving the acts of violence gripping our nation today but what I am saying is that the millennials first create the problem only to cry and want others to fix it when the problem gets away from them.  You can't torment someone or ignore someone and then wail about how you didn't think they were the type to do it when they strike back wail and cry and walkout of school because the adults did fix what they did.

Stricter gun laws are needed.  There's no question about that. but a school walk out is not going to achieve that..  That's the same as throwing a temper tantrum after.

Having worked on this blog all day my initial steam has blown off and I don't have anything more to say on the matter.  The disgust that schools participated and sanctioned today's walk out is still there but the anger over today's act is gone....

I don't pretend to blog the way I should

When I began this blog, I originally intended for it to be my own place where I got things off my chest or out of my head.  If you know me personally then you would understand why I say out of my head as I tend to overthink things that stay in there too long and when I overthink things, matters grow worse.

I'm not sure when the last time was that I blogged and frankly, I'm too lazy to go back and read (also I tend to get caught up reading my blogs and as I have over 200 that would mean I would never finish this post) but I think I may have still been working at Hungry Howie's the last time I blogged.

I left Howie's in June.  Well technically I left Howie's in February but went back a little less than a month later in the end of March.  In hindsight, I should not have gone back.  I should have kept moving forward but I needed money and I needed to get out of my house.

But here's the thing, I left originally because I got up most mornings and cried because I had to go to work.  I hated it there.  As much as I loved my boss as a person, because she genuinely is a loving soul that means no one any harm the business practices she had to follow at the whims of the big bosses were less than above board.  In the end, I didn't feel appreciated and the pain I was causing myself every day by continuing to roll dough when my doctor had warned me to stop was getting to the place where I couldn't do anything I loved to do with hands because my hands were turning into dead weights at the end of my arms.  So I left.  I came back hoping to feel different but I didn't.  The second time I lasted two and a half months.

And i went to pizza hut.  That's where I am now.  I like it there.  It's run by a huge corporation, not two brothers and their three friends.  So when I do something and it doesn't stand out, I never feel unappreciated because I know I am one of a faceless crowd to the bigwigs.  My coworkers are for the most part a fun bunch of laid back folks.  There's not in house drama that everyone is gossiping about, no one living in another's pockets, no nothing that comes with small business.  I also got to work with J again as my boss.  Someone who has generally always believed that I could be more than I appear to be.

I am happy where I am.  I am happy with what's on my plate.

But as always when I am happy, something has to come along and try to snatch my happiness.

In August, I seem to have pissed off the person that I once called my bestie by not leaving work to go give her a hug when she was down.

It goes deeper than that.  She says i walked away from her when she needed me and that I had, in fact, been walking away for awhile.

If that is the truth as she believes it to be, then that is the truth.  I had been walking away.  I really had.

I know I had.  I had started to walk away from a lot of people and situations that made me feel like I wasn't appreciated.

I have to say, the most significant time I felt like I wasn't anyone to her was the night that I handed in my notice to Howie's the first time.

I remember that I could barely drive for the tears rolling down my face.  I had just quit my job.  I had nothing lined up, no prospects on the horizon and I had quit a job that I was good at because I wasn't happy.  What the hell was I going to do? How was I going to support my kids, pay my rent, do anything?  So I did what instinct told me to do, I ran to my bestie for comfort.

When i got there a mutual friend was over playing a game with J.  The man that I had a crush on for years.  Quite honestly, the one man in Charlotte that I have no desire to drink around, the one man that reduced me to stuttering and awkward giggling.  I had no desire to have him see me at such a weak point in my life.  But bestie, took that opportunity to try once more to make fetch happen.  in the midst of one of my freak outs I was told, "You should cry more, He should see you when you're like this."

I mean really? This statement was quickly followed by the seven words I hate most...

"If it makes you feel any better..."

I don't know about coming from anyone else to anyone else, but whenever I heard these words from her, it meant, it's no longer about me, it's about her.

I remember that I left soon after that that night.  In my state I was sure that the horrible things running through my head would spill out of my mouth.

Then i further pissed her off when I didn't immediately introduce her to my boyfriend.

yes, I KNOW that technically one should introduce the best friend to the boyfriend nearly immediately but for once I wanted someone to myself and there were circumstances that prevented me from trotting him over to meet her.  They had to move and her house was in disarray.  My mother taught me growing up that you don't have guests over when your house ins't guest worthy.  I couldn't arrange a place for us to meet because she never leaves the house.

I also believe that before the boyfriend meets the friends, he must first meet the people who come foremost in your life.  For me this was my children and my mother.  When I told her this, she outright said "Screw your mother and the girls!  I'm the bestie, I come first."  There are a million mean spirited things I could say at this point but the only thing I will say is NO ONE is more important to me than my children and my mother. NO ONE.  Not even the man I eventually marry will be more important than the four of them.  I can honestly say that it was that moment right there that I decided to stop hiding the fact that I was walking away.  That was when my respect was lost.

When the initial break came, I held firm to the belief that this time, i was not going to say I was sorry first.  She had called me a bad friend, something that I am not. Something that hurt me so deep I wasn't sure the cut would heal.  And then she went on Facebook and made it worse by telling her friends that I was never there for her, that I had ended our friendship because I couldn't be bothered with her anymore.

What about the days that I was scheduled off to take her to the doctor?  What about the fac that for three years she lived across the street from the grocery store, well within walking distance, but I had to get up on my mornings and days off to drive three miles to pick her up and take her ACROSS THE STREET???  What about the times that she didn't have food in her fridge and I cleaned out my freezer and or cupboards to give her food?  What about the times when she needed bestie time because she was having a bad day and I used my dwindling funds and bought a bottle of something to take over there so that she could have some comfort?  What about the pills I was prescribed to help with my pains but shared with her because her doctor refused to give them to her?

But I was a bad friend.

I got so tired of seeing the little barbs against me that I took her from my news feed. She in turn deleted me from Facebook completely.

In the past two months, I have had moments when I wanted so bad to text her or call her to tell her something and even some moments when I want to just say I was sorry fro not giving her the hug but then I realize that she very easily and swiftly cut me like a cancer from her life because she didn't get what she wanted from me.

Sadly, the longer we are estranged the more I think I was never considered a friend by her and that hurts even more than the initial.

I hope she will be the only person cut from my life because I finally have the courage to stand up for myself, but at the same time I fear she won't be the last.

I really sometimes wonder, why is it that people love to be there to commiserate with you but hate to see when you are finally able to stand up and see the sun?  Why do I keep falling for people that only want to see me at my worst.

Why can't the world have more people like M and S who are genuinely happy fr em when something good happens as I am for them when something good happens?  Why is it that with them I can have actual conversations and we can agree and disagree and no one gets butthurt but with my friend of eight years, one simple refusal to leave my job and go to my boss' house to give her a hug results in eight years turning to ash?

I'm so confused and unfortunately blogging has done nothing to help.  But it's two thirty in the morning and I have to drive all day tomorrow... err today so I must needs go to bed.

I'm scared stupid.

I have a son.  Like me, he is black and for the very first time in all of his seventeen years, I am afraid for his life.

Not because he's a hot head or in a gang, or because he's a daredevil (none of which is is BTW), but simply because he's black.

I fear for my child's life because of his skin color and his sex.

Not even when my son was learning how to climb stairs and took great pleasure in throwing himself down a flight of stairs so that he could have the joy of climbing back up them have I been this scared for him.

I would like to think that between my ex-husband and myself, he's learned to respect authority figures such as police officers.  I would like to think that he knows when not to make a joke.  I would like to think that he would understand that some police officers don't have the same sense of humor he has. (Not many people do but you get what I am saying)  But sadly, in this day and age.  He could do something as wrong as look a police officer in the face and lose his life for it.  He could reach for his wallet in his back pocket and lose his life.

And it's not just my son I fear for.  I fear for my daughters because let's face it.  Right now, black males seem to be in season but it won't be long before black girls are in season as well.    It's only a matter of time.

I have two daughters, a son, An ex husband who is black, and ex brother in law, two nieces, a father and an ex father in law, a mother and an ex mother in law, a boyfriend, and his son who are all black.  How long before this rampant scourge of racism comes to touch my family?  How long before someone who has any claim on my heart finds themselves at the business end of a police officer's gun?

I can't help but think of tales I read about slavery.  When there were too many slaves on a farm, the owner might put some on the selling block, or he might just kill some.  They called it culling.  Is that what police officers are doing now?  Culling?  Are there so many black men that the only thing they think they can do it cul them?

This has got to stop.

There is nothing else.  This has just got to stop.  And hopefully before black men take guns and decide that for every black life a white police officer takes, they take a white one.  If it comes to that, no one will be safe.  Not your mothers, your fathers, sisters, brothers, or even children.

I am sitting here in tears.  This has got to stop...

We never really leave high school...

It's a lesson that I have learned and keep having to re learn over and over again.

The characters never change ever.  The cast yes, but never the characters.  It's rather like Whitney houston and Deborah Cox's song. Same Script; Different Cast.

Usually I play the gullible bank freak outcast that wants desperately to be friends with all the cool people at the expense of her dignity.  The one that always, always, always ends up broken and alone.

I think this time I will play the band geek that already knows the lesson and sits back as the rest of the idiots in the drama play out their parts.

So... The cast of characters:

• The wife... aka the cheerleader
• The Husband... aka that guy, the cool one that every girl wants (Or so he thinks)

Caught up?  Good.

So the band geek became friends with both Th Guy and the The Cheerleader.  In truth, she kinda liked Guy more because he told the truth all the time whether you wanted to hear it or not.  And at one point the band freak was so super horney that she actually flirted with The Guy.  But here's where the drams begins to unfold.  The Guy turned her down and eventually the Freak found what she needed (which was basically a quick fuck somewhere) and she simply settled for The Guy's friendship because as stated before she actually respected him.  Meanwhile the Freak was occasionally hanging out with the Cheerleader but the more she did, the more she realized she was the beard.  The one that covers up.  When the cheerleader wanted to go out and screw the nearest dick, she basically told people she was hanging out with the freak.  When she was truly in trouble and stranded with the dick du jour, the freak did the good friend thing and went to the rescue.

But then the cheerleader slipped up and showed her batshit crazy side.  By this point The Guy had already left and kept trying to make a break but the Cheerleader held things over him.

About a year and half passed and the Freak no longer talks to the Cheerleader but sees The Guy often.  The freak still actually respects The Guy more from getting to know him.  So she actually tells The Guy about the night that the Cheerleader was stranded at the motel with the dick du jour.  Oops!  The Guy, while claiming that he knew the shit that the Cheerleader was in, didn't actually know that.

Damn that Band Freak!

The Guy ran straight to the Cheerleader to tell her what the Band freak said and as predicted, the cheerleader cussed the Band Freak out.

End of Drama.

Screw the names and the tags.  I knew that eventually the word would get to the wife that I told.  After she put a not so veiled Fuck you on facebook, I knew that the extremely long and blown out text was coming.  I figured it would either be a text on my phone or a message on Facebook.  Whichever served the purpose.  She chose text.

OMG I was so relieved.  I could go on with my life.

Except for one thing.

SHE ACTUALLY THINKS I WANT HER HUSBAND.  THAT I WANT HER HUSBAND TO BE MINE.

That's the one thing I can't get over.  Because it seems that the both of them think this.  For some reason they both seem to think that I want a relationship with the Guy.  

The Guy has a certain charm about him.  He demands respect just by being who he is, that it true but the Guy has a serious downfall.  he thinks that women who try to be his friend only are doing so because they want a taste of the guy.  

I want a quick fuck from him in late 2014 maybe early 2015.  After that I wanted nothing but friendship.  But she's worked it up in her mind that betraying her secrets I'm trying to get her out of the picture and put myself in.

I have no words.  I really don't.  I can't for the life of me see how she has held onto this belief for so damn long.  Or how he has.  No matter how many times I go over it in my head I just don't get it.  Maybe I flirt unconsciously when I talk?  Maybe I'm too friendly with men?  Dafuq?!?

So like I said, we never leave high school.  There will always be the one that plays the part of the band freak who just wants friends.  There will always be a plastic little spastic that gets high and fucks anything that can fit in her holes.  There will always be that Guy that thinks if a female is nice to him it must be because she wants him between her legs.  The Cheerleader will always think that every woman wants her man because she is so damn insecure.

To hell with them.  To hell with them all.  Fuck it, I haven't be apart of any band in nearly twenty years so even fuck the Band freak role.  I'm just me and I think I have learned the lesson of high school never ends.

So I'm at the point where if I never speak to either of them again my life will be so awesome.  I realize that since I work with The guy, silence may be difficult but damn if I won't try.

MAn Fuck High School....