Ugh...

There is a fundamental disconnect in this place.  There has to be because NOBODY is happy at the same time here.  Nobody.

One week my boss isn’t happy.  The next week the cook isn’t happy.  That same week one of my drivers is pissed off and the customers are bastards.

This place is stealing my joy.  Customers scream at me for shit that is not my fault.  Drivers tell me what they are going to do and in the case of one particular driver not only what he is going to to buy what I am going to as well.  Today my shift leader who was supposed to leave at four decided at two thirty to go on the road with her girlfriend leaving me in the store.  Then she came in and clocked out early without turning over the register so I had to clock her back in to turn over the till.  

At least the dm asked me how I was doing today.  I suppose that makes up for last week when she completely ignored me when this store was in danger of being burnt down by a very psychotic assistant manager who was going to throw her shirt on the flames and dance a merry jig...

And it’s quiet.  So there’s that.  

So I’m standing here about to go back to folding boxes because that’s something to do.  While my driver who is supposed to be either doing boxes or dishes sits on his ass and eats a pizza he made without paying for it.  Cause yeah.  Oh wait... nope he just walked out to the parking lot...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

I will not let this place steal my joy...

Maybe if I keep chanting it, I’ll believe it one day...

Doubt it.

Can the rain please stop now???

So we are four days into January and the rain has literally stopped raining for maybe half a day total.  And this is ongoing from 2018.  Like over 100 inches of rain has fallen in the last thirty days and I'm pretty sure if mother nature was trying to drown the eastern part of the country, she's succeeding brilliantly.

I didn't blog yesterday because nothing really significant happened.  I lost a client because she needs a CNA and I don't have that.  But I didn't get fired, they just removed me from the case with a pending status of if they were even going to keep the case.  I feel bad though.  Her son was nice and if he would just gdo the lifting, I would happily do the washing and the grooming and dressing.   And I hate getting up at the crack of dawn and I hate going to bed early so that I can be human in those early hours but i didn't mind going to her.BUt she's completely immobile on one side so she needs a more experienced person and I'm okay with that.

Then I inevitably ended up back at the hut a few times last night because if it can go wrong with the GM is away it will go wrong.  But whatever.  Then i came home and had some tequila rose.  Not a lot but enough that I didn't want to get on Blogger and more than likely whine about what a loser I feel like because I'm still Single.

This year is about being social.  I'm going to hang out with friends, I'm going to make new friends and expand my circle.  I am not going to sit home and watch Hulu and Netflix all night .

I am also not going to make the mistake I made on the second.  I'm not going to talk about the one that got away or rather, the one that never was.  One of the things I got to thinking about last night was I feel like I'm in love with him but in the past five years he hasn't said hello to me, he hasn't wished me a happy birthday, although I do every year, and the only times he's  If I'm going to be in love with him, fine.  That's something I'm going to hold deep inside of me until someone that actually cares for me comes along and burns his name from my heart, but I'm not going to lower myself to wishing and hoping that one day he rides up on a white horse and holds out his hand for me.

Tomorrow I go see Mrs. H and then I'm off to the Hut of Pizza.  I actually like being back at the penitentiary.  unlike Prosperity there's never any time to just chill and deal with BS.  You deal with it on your feet.

Well in the essence of keeping my post short and to the point, I'm off for the night. 

Till tomorrow or the day after.

Happy New Year, I guess...

So I'm not making a resolution or anything (because if you know me, making a resolution is the quickest way to get me to stop doing something) But I'm trying this out to see if I can see how much I change over the course of a year.

I thought about actually writing it down in a book but then, I thought, nah...

So Jan1...

I officially took off the fake wedding ring.  I took it off and set it on the shelf and I think it about it often.  Like at least once every few hours I look at or feel my ring finger where it was for over two years.

At first I was wearing it because it made the men at the Hut stop flirting with me.  Like armor I guess.  Whatever, it worked and the old fugly guys that batted their geriatric eyes at me stopped. 

In a way I feel like it was armor to protect myself from looking at other guys too.

I'm going to say it.  I have been in love with a friend of a friend for almost 8 years.  He's on my Facebook and I think maybe he considers me a friend but I don't really think so.  He doesn't say hello.  He stopped acknowledging any Facebook post I put on his wall years ago and for the last four years, not even a Happy Birthday.  I can't say I'm any better.  I stopped posting on his wall and trying to talk to him because it honestly broke my heart when he didn't respond so I just stopped.  But I didn't fall out of love with him.  I don't even KNOW him.  He never gave me the chance to but for some reason I'm in love with him.

I deny up and down and every possible way that I'm in love... that I've ever even known what love it.  I didn't love my ex husband.  I honored my vows to him but I never actually loved him.  I don't know anything but basics about this guy and if he asked me to I would...

Well I would at least give him a try.  Maybe we wouldn't get along together and maybe we would but a try would be nice.

Whatever. 

Like I said I took off the ring.  I have laid down the armor.  Whether or not he gives me a chance.  I am open for someone to come take a try at me.

Jan 2.


Worked today at the hut.  Still felt for my ring but it's absence didn't bother me as much today as yesterday when the separation was brand new.

I still don;'t know how to flirt or show a man I'm interested in.  So i went back to Tinder.  I was super liked by a guy and I liked him back.  If he responds and says hello maybe we can see in person if we have anything really in common.

I wish I had more to report on today but I can't muster anything, and I have to get to bed.  i have to be up at 6:30 in the morning for my morning client.

I'm tired.  I've fixed my work schedule so that i don't have any days off and it's starting to wear me down.  Like I'm going to crack soon and it's not going to be one of those duct tape and super glue fixes.

Ah well...

A new day starts in 10 minutes and 11 seconds.  Let's see what Jan 3 brings...

Don't think I'm back for good or anything... but...

In some ways I wanted to post this on Facebook and in other ways, I didn't.  I will probably write this here and share it there but whatever...

Today was the national School walk out that lasted seventeen minutes for each of the seventeen people that lost their lives in the Florida school shooting.  I know that when i post this on Facebook, there will be at least one person that is going to be very vocal in his opposition to my thoughts but I'm writing this knowing that and he knows me well enough to know that I will respect his opinions but they won't change mine.  I want to say this loud and clear:

 I IN NO WAY HAVE EVER OR WILL EVER SUPPORT THE ACTIONS TAKEN TODAY.


Why?

Mainly because the very same children, and yes, that is what they are; children who participated in the walkout today are the ones that essentially started the problem in the first place.

In my time at school, if there was a bully, eventually things got a boiling point and children formed a ring around him or her and their victim and after fifteen minutes of screaming "Fight!! Fight!!" and a couple of punches and and maybe a split lip or two the issue was resolved.  Whether or not it was solved entirely in that ring or an adult broke it up, the issue was resolved.

CASE IN POINT:  I have a best friend.  We have been best friends for THIRTY YEARS THIS YEAR.  Wanna know how we met?  A girl I thought was my friend primarily because we were both black girls in a predominately white school pointed across the locker room to a group of girls and told me that that "That girl" said something about my mother.  She never pointed out a specific girl, but for some reason I took one specific girl out to the hallway and slapped the everloving bejesus out of her.  There may have been more to that fight but in my memory, I can only remember that poor girl in the circle of my arms wondering what she did wrong that this angry black girl was screaming at her and i smacked her and she ran.  That poor little girl never once tried to hit me

Yes, I was the bully.  Years later the original black girl that I thought was my friend told me that she just wanted to see a fight and that the poor white girl I drug out to the hall hadn't said anything nor had anyone else but it was neither here nor there.

What made us friends?  Our punishment was to be BFF's for a week.  For a solid week from the time I walked into the damned school until the time I walked out of that damned school, I saw that poor girl.  Monday and Tuesday, we didn't or barely talked.  She resented being punished by having to spend time with me, I resented being punished period considering my mother had beat my ass so hard sitting down was still painful and I had already said I was sorry (I am an only child.  Saying sorry for anything is painful because the world revolves around me.)  But by Wednesday something changed and there was conversation.  By Friday I was introduced to her group of friends and she mine.  We have been friends since that week.

But back to my original thought.

My generation solved the problems it created.  The millennials today?? That's a WHOLE DIFFERENT KETTLE FISH. (Do not ask me what that means, I don't know)

Millennials today see the fat kid in class and blast them on Snapchat, youtube, vine, twitter, etc  and take pictures and video of them eating and pretend that they are eating everything in sight or trampling villages whatever and they make it so that the victim can see it.  Then after the victim has had enough and done something drastic like trying to cut their fat off or OD'd on diet pills or even killed themselves, then those same kids that did the bullying want to go online and on television amd say that they never knew there was  a problem.  They see a kid that sits alone reading gun magazines and drawing guns all over his books and they ignore or worse torment him but when he obtains a gun and shoots up the place, then they want to yell at lawmakers because he was able to obtain that gun.

I'm not forgiving the acts of violence gripping our nation today but what I am saying is that the millennials first create the problem only to cry and want others to fix it when the problem gets away from them.  You can't torment someone or ignore someone and then wail about how you didn't think they were the type to do it when they strike back wail and cry and walkout of school because the adults did fix what they did.

Stricter gun laws are needed.  There's no question about that. but a school walk out is not going to achieve that..  That's the same as throwing a temper tantrum after.

Having worked on this blog all day my initial steam has blown off and I don't have anything more to say on the matter.  The disgust that schools participated and sanctioned today's walk out is still there but the anger over today's act is gone....

I don't pretend to blog the way I should

When I began this blog, I originally intended for it to be my own place where I got things off my chest or out of my head.  If you know me personally then you would understand why I say out of my head as I tend to overthink things that stay in there too long and when I overthink things, matters grow worse.

I'm not sure when the last time was that I blogged and frankly, I'm too lazy to go back and read (also I tend to get caught up reading my blogs and as I have over 200 that would mean I would never finish this post) but I think I may have still been working at Hungry Howie's the last time I blogged.

I left Howie's in June.  Well technically I left Howie's in February but went back a little less than a month later in the end of March.  In hindsight, I should not have gone back.  I should have kept moving forward but I needed money and I needed to get out of my house.

But here's the thing, I left originally because I got up most mornings and cried because I had to go to work.  I hated it there.  As much as I loved my boss as a person, because she genuinely is a loving soul that means no one any harm the business practices she had to follow at the whims of the big bosses were less than above board.  In the end, I didn't feel appreciated and the pain I was causing myself every day by continuing to roll dough when my doctor had warned me to stop was getting to the place where I couldn't do anything I loved to do with hands because my hands were turning into dead weights at the end of my arms.  So I left.  I came back hoping to feel different but I didn't.  The second time I lasted two and a half months.

And i went to pizza hut.  That's where I am now.  I like it there.  It's run by a huge corporation, not two brothers and their three friends.  So when I do something and it doesn't stand out, I never feel unappreciated because I know I am one of a faceless crowd to the bigwigs.  My coworkers are for the most part a fun bunch of laid back folks.  There's not in house drama that everyone is gossiping about, no one living in another's pockets, no nothing that comes with small business.  I also got to work with J again as my boss.  Someone who has generally always believed that I could be more than I appear to be.

I am happy where I am.  I am happy with what's on my plate.

But as always when I am happy, something has to come along and try to snatch my happiness.

In August, I seem to have pissed off the person that I once called my bestie by not leaving work to go give her a hug when she was down.

It goes deeper than that.  She says i walked away from her when she needed me and that I had, in fact, been walking away for awhile.

If that is the truth as she believes it to be, then that is the truth.  I had been walking away.  I really had.

I know I had.  I had started to walk away from a lot of people and situations that made me feel like I wasn't appreciated.

I have to say, the most significant time I felt like I wasn't anyone to her was the night that I handed in my notice to Howie's the first time.

I remember that I could barely drive for the tears rolling down my face.  I had just quit my job.  I had nothing lined up, no prospects on the horizon and I had quit a job that I was good at because I wasn't happy.  What the hell was I going to do? How was I going to support my kids, pay my rent, do anything?  So I did what instinct told me to do, I ran to my bestie for comfort.

When i got there a mutual friend was over playing a game with J.  The man that I had a crush on for years.  Quite honestly, the one man in Charlotte that I have no desire to drink around, the one man that reduced me to stuttering and awkward giggling.  I had no desire to have him see me at such a weak point in my life.  But bestie, took that opportunity to try once more to make fetch happen.  in the midst of one of my freak outs I was told, "You should cry more, He should see you when you're like this."

I mean really? This statement was quickly followed by the seven words I hate most...

"If it makes you feel any better..."

I don't know about coming from anyone else to anyone else, but whenever I heard these words from her, it meant, it's no longer about me, it's about her.

I remember that I left soon after that that night.  In my state I was sure that the horrible things running through my head would spill out of my mouth.

Then i further pissed her off when I didn't immediately introduce her to my boyfriend.

yes, I KNOW that technically one should introduce the best friend to the boyfriend nearly immediately but for once I wanted someone to myself and there were circumstances that prevented me from trotting him over to meet her.  They had to move and her house was in disarray.  My mother taught me growing up that you don't have guests over when your house ins't guest worthy.  I couldn't arrange a place for us to meet because she never leaves the house.

I also believe that before the boyfriend meets the friends, he must first meet the people who come foremost in your life.  For me this was my children and my mother.  When I told her this, she outright said "Screw your mother and the girls!  I'm the bestie, I come first."  There are a million mean spirited things I could say at this point but the only thing I will say is NO ONE is more important to me than my children and my mother. NO ONE.  Not even the man I eventually marry will be more important than the four of them.  I can honestly say that it was that moment right there that I decided to stop hiding the fact that I was walking away.  That was when my respect was lost.

When the initial break came, I held firm to the belief that this time, i was not going to say I was sorry first.  She had called me a bad friend, something that I am not. Something that hurt me so deep I wasn't sure the cut would heal.  And then she went on Facebook and made it worse by telling her friends that I was never there for her, that I had ended our friendship because I couldn't be bothered with her anymore.

What about the days that I was scheduled off to take her to the doctor?  What about the fac that for three years she lived across the street from the grocery store, well within walking distance, but I had to get up on my mornings and days off to drive three miles to pick her up and take her ACROSS THE STREET???  What about the times that she didn't have food in her fridge and I cleaned out my freezer and or cupboards to give her food?  What about the times when she needed bestie time because she was having a bad day and I used my dwindling funds and bought a bottle of something to take over there so that she could have some comfort?  What about the pills I was prescribed to help with my pains but shared with her because her doctor refused to give them to her?

But I was a bad friend.

I got so tired of seeing the little barbs against me that I took her from my news feed. She in turn deleted me from Facebook completely.

In the past two months, I have had moments when I wanted so bad to text her or call her to tell her something and even some moments when I want to just say I was sorry fro not giving her the hug but then I realize that she very easily and swiftly cut me like a cancer from her life because she didn't get what she wanted from me.

Sadly, the longer we are estranged the more I think I was never considered a friend by her and that hurts even more than the initial.

I hope she will be the only person cut from my life because I finally have the courage to stand up for myself, but at the same time I fear she won't be the last.

I really sometimes wonder, why is it that people love to be there to commiserate with you but hate to see when you are finally able to stand up and see the sun?  Why do I keep falling for people that only want to see me at my worst.

Why can't the world have more people like M and S who are genuinely happy fr em when something good happens as I am for them when something good happens?  Why is it that with them I can have actual conversations and we can agree and disagree and no one gets butthurt but with my friend of eight years, one simple refusal to leave my job and go to my boss' house to give her a hug results in eight years turning to ash?

I'm so confused and unfortunately blogging has done nothing to help.  But it's two thirty in the morning and I have to drive all day tomorrow... err today so I must needs go to bed.

I'm scared stupid.

I have a son.  Like me, he is black and for the very first time in all of his seventeen years, I am afraid for his life.

Not because he's a hot head or in a gang, or because he's a daredevil (none of which is is BTW), but simply because he's black.

I fear for my child's life because of his skin color and his sex.

Not even when my son was learning how to climb stairs and took great pleasure in throwing himself down a flight of stairs so that he could have the joy of climbing back up them have I been this scared for him.

I would like to think that between my ex-husband and myself, he's learned to respect authority figures such as police officers.  I would like to think that he knows when not to make a joke.  I would like to think that he would understand that some police officers don't have the same sense of humor he has. (Not many people do but you get what I am saying)  But sadly, in this day and age.  He could do something as wrong as look a police officer in the face and lose his life for it.  He could reach for his wallet in his back pocket and lose his life.

And it's not just my son I fear for.  I fear for my daughters because let's face it.  Right now, black males seem to be in season but it won't be long before black girls are in season as well.    It's only a matter of time.

I have two daughters, a son, An ex husband who is black, and ex brother in law, two nieces, a father and an ex father in law, a mother and an ex mother in law, a boyfriend, and his son who are all black.  How long before this rampant scourge of racism comes to touch my family?  How long before someone who has any claim on my heart finds themselves at the business end of a police officer's gun?

I can't help but think of tales I read about slavery.  When there were too many slaves on a farm, the owner might put some on the selling block, or he might just kill some.  They called it culling.  Is that what police officers are doing now?  Culling?  Are there so many black men that the only thing they think they can do it cul them?

This has got to stop.

There is nothing else.  This has just got to stop.  And hopefully before black men take guns and decide that for every black life a white police officer takes, they take a white one.  If it comes to that, no one will be safe.  Not your mothers, your fathers, sisters, brothers, or even children.

I am sitting here in tears.  This has got to stop...

We never really leave high school...

It's a lesson that I have learned and keep having to re learn over and over again.

The characters never change ever.  The cast yes, but never the characters.  It's rather like Whitney houston and Deborah Cox's song. Same Script; Different Cast.

Usually I play the gullible bank freak outcast that wants desperately to be friends with all the cool people at the expense of her dignity.  The one that always, always, always ends up broken and alone.

I think this time I will play the band geek that already knows the lesson and sits back as the rest of the idiots in the drama play out their parts.

So... The cast of characters:

• The wife... aka the cheerleader
• The Husband... aka that guy, the cool one that every girl wants (Or so he thinks)

Caught up?  Good.

So the band geek became friends with both Th Guy and the The Cheerleader.  In truth, she kinda liked Guy more because he told the truth all the time whether you wanted to hear it or not.  And at one point the band freak was so super horney that she actually flirted with The Guy.  But here's where the drams begins to unfold.  The Guy turned her down and eventually the Freak found what she needed (which was basically a quick fuck somewhere) and she simply settled for The Guy's friendship because as stated before she actually respected him.  Meanwhile the Freak was occasionally hanging out with the Cheerleader but the more she did, the more she realized she was the beard.  The one that covers up.  When the cheerleader wanted to go out and screw the nearest dick, she basically told people she was hanging out with the freak.  When she was truly in trouble and stranded with the dick du jour, the freak did the good friend thing and went to the rescue.

But then the cheerleader slipped up and showed her batshit crazy side.  By this point The Guy had already left and kept trying to make a break but the Cheerleader held things over him.

About a year and half passed and the Freak no longer talks to the Cheerleader but sees The Guy often.  The freak still actually respects The Guy more from getting to know him.  So she actually tells The Guy about the night that the Cheerleader was stranded at the motel with the dick du jour.  Oops!  The Guy, while claiming that he knew the shit that the Cheerleader was in, didn't actually know that.

Damn that Band Freak!

The Guy ran straight to the Cheerleader to tell her what the Band freak said and as predicted, the cheerleader cussed the Band Freak out.

End of Drama.

Screw the names and the tags.  I knew that eventually the word would get to the wife that I told.  After she put a not so veiled Fuck you on facebook, I knew that the extremely long and blown out text was coming.  I figured it would either be a text on my phone or a message on Facebook.  Whichever served the purpose.  She chose text.

OMG I was so relieved.  I could go on with my life.

Except for one thing.

SHE ACTUALLY THINKS I WANT HER HUSBAND.  THAT I WANT HER HUSBAND TO BE MINE.

That's the one thing I can't get over.  Because it seems that the both of them think this.  For some reason they both seem to think that I want a relationship with the Guy.  

The Guy has a certain charm about him.  He demands respect just by being who he is, that it true but the Guy has a serious downfall.  he thinks that women who try to be his friend only are doing so because they want a taste of the guy.  

I want a quick fuck from him in late 2014 maybe early 2015.  After that I wanted nothing but friendship.  But she's worked it up in her mind that betraying her secrets I'm trying to get her out of the picture and put myself in.

I have no words.  I really don't.  I can't for the life of me see how she has held onto this belief for so damn long.  Or how he has.  No matter how many times I go over it in my head I just don't get it.  Maybe I flirt unconsciously when I talk?  Maybe I'm too friendly with men?  Dafuq?!?

So like I said, we never leave high school.  There will always be the one that plays the part of the band freak who just wants friends.  There will always be a plastic little spastic that gets high and fucks anything that can fit in her holes.  There will always be that Guy that thinks if a female is nice to him it must be because she wants him between her legs.  The Cheerleader will always think that every woman wants her man because she is so damn insecure.

To hell with them.  To hell with them all.  Fuck it, I haven't be apart of any band in nearly twenty years so even fuck the Band freak role.  I'm just me and I think I have learned the lesson of high school never ends.

So I'm at the point where if I never speak to either of them again my life will be so awesome.  I realize that since I work with The guy, silence may be difficult but damn if I won't try.

MAn Fuck High School....

Explanation of Silence

So, I’m not sure if anyone on Facebook noticed but for the last few days, I’ve been sorta on the missing in action side.  I guess my reason is that I don’t really have much to say publicly anymore. 

I found out a few weeks ago that I tested positive for Lupus.  A few days later she called back and said no, it wasn’t Lupus but pretty much 24 hours later I was called back and told, yes it is Lupus, they just don’t know what kind. 

Normally this would say to me, Dette, you need to get a second opinion.  But I couldn’t do that because even though my paperwork was refilled in March, Social Services still hadn’t reinstated my Medicaid which, until I can get a better job that comes with health benefits, that’s my only way of seeing a doctor or getting any of my ever growing number of prescriptions.  I have been fighting with Social Services now for months and only yesterday when I could hide behind my dignity and broke down and sobbed in front of pretty much everyone in Freedom Ave. DSS, did anyone do anything.  And before any one of you say it, NO, I did not use tears to get what I needed, I just wasn’t capable of dealing with the form answers that I’ve been getting lately indicating that I’m still getting nowhere.  It was only when I lost pretty much any shred of dignity I had left did anyone understand just how bad off I am right now. 

I can’t do this anymore.  That is simply what this boils down to.  Strange things have been going on with my body for almost a year now yet anytime I try to discuss it with a good number of my friends, it turns into them telling me about what wrong with them.  I have come to hate the phrase, “Yeah, well…” because it has come to ALWAYS without fail, mean “Enough about you, time to put the spotlight on me.”  The sad thing is, I’m not sure that any one of the handful of friends that do it even realize that they do it.  And I’m partially to blame for them not knowing that they do it because I tend to switch right back into supportive friend mode and comfort or just listen.

But lately I haven’t been able to do it.  The voice in my head starts screaming things that I have to hope and pray don’t come out of my mouth so I just don’t put myself in those situations anymore.  I’ve begun to distance myself from everyone.  I come home from work and I drink.  And I mean drink to the point where I used to be the one that my job called when they needed someone to come in and help out but they can’t do that anymore because within twenty minutes of getting home, I am no longer legal to drive.  I wake up, I play my Facebook games, and I get off the computer and I read.  I went back to writing again but I found that every time I did, whatever I was writing began to take on my real life or rather the real life my inner self wants where I blatantly scream, “It’s not about you!”

Believe me or don’t but I have even tried praying but the voice inside of me alternates from “If your friends won’t listen to you, why should God?” to “If there really was a God, why would he let this happen to you?”  This leads me back to drinking because I know there is a God and I know that he cares and he only give you what you can handle even if you feel like it’s crushing you.  So I try to shut the voice up because I was raised by a good Christian woman and loving Church family and I know that God is God.  I am not His only concern here on earth and He did not give me Lupus.

Those of you that think I’ve been shying from them and leaning only towards the man that I’ve been seeing, I can tell you that you too are wrong.  I haven’t said anything to him as well.  As a matter of fact, if he reads this he’s probably going to say WTF because I’ve become such a good hider that I haven’t said anything to him.  The truth is, I don’t want to run him away because he’s one of the few things in my life right now that make walking into traffic look like a really stupid choice meaning, he makes me want to live.  When I’m with him, I smile.  When I talk to him, I smile.  Hell when I think about him, I smile.  I like smiling.  I like feeling happy.  If not telling him about the crap in my life makes the happy continue, I’m going to try hard to keep that.

And I realize that it looks to some like I’m keeping him a secret but what some people, okay a lot of people have to understand is that I’m actually being respectful.  I don’t say his name of put up pictures of us because I’m not sure that we’ve reached that stage.  I’m not sure if he wants that.  He knows that it’s one of my secret desires to be able to say on Facebook that I’m in a relationship with and actually be able to say a name.  I would love more than anything to be able to tag him in my relationship status but I don’t want to alienate him.  I would love to introduce him to my friends but sometimes I feel like the third degree he’d get from them might be worse than an FBI probe and then off he’d go and I’d hate my friends who would unerringly say, “He wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Yes I know I’m a worst case scenario kind of person but most of you know this about me already so whatever.

I’m posting this on my blog because I still don’t feel like going back to Facebook right now.  I just don’t.  I don’t know when I will.  But right now, I need for the voice in my head (Which for better or worse is and has been for awhile now, Meredith Grey) makes some of the comments I want to post turn really nasty and I don’t want to lose any friends because my views aren’t their views which will lead to a debate of why they are right and I am wrong on Facebook, So I’m not bothering.  I’m watching my Facebook slowly degrade into a highly charged political arena with a little God thrown in every now and then.

So yeah, if you wanted to know why I’m silent lately, there’s why.  I can still be reached by messenger and text.  If I don’t respond, I may be at work or just not in the right mind frame to speak.  But I’m here, I’m living.  Don’t worry for me, I’m doing enough of that on my own.  I do love you all, I just have to figure out how to be outside of my own head and shut Meredith up.

Ta.  I’ll be around.

Living with it.

So about a week ago, i went to see a new doctor who leaked, I guess is the word the information that I had tested positive for Lupus in the blood work that my last doctor ordered.  She tried to make it sound like something I should have already known or at the very least something he should have told me himself but when she realized that no one had imparted that information to me she tried a different route by saying that a lot of women test positive but don't actually have it.  That route didn't work as well because the more she looked me over, the more she was convinced that I would not be one of the millions of women with a false positive.  I have way too many of the symptoms.

I have Fatigue that i can't seem to shake some days.  Even if I get eight full hours of uninterrupted sleep I can still feel like my butt is dragging.  Mostly I hide this with coffee and then use the slight caffeine high to look productive but the days when I don't even feel the caffeine, it is unbelievably hard to fake it.  Those are generally the days where I get in trouble because I don't have the energy to keep the things in my head from daytripping out of my mouth...

Joint Pain.  I can call it arthritis all I want.  I can cling to the actual fact that no one is too young to have it but the pain and weakness in my left shoulder that some days prevents me from doing my job or at the very least makes it so hard I want to cry... yeah.  They did an xray.  Inflamed joint not arthritis.

Headaches.  I get them so bad that well... I blank out.  I know someone out there has had a migraine so bad that they feel like if they could just crawl out of your body you'd be fine.  I can tell you first hand, wanting that and experiencing that are two way different things and if you'd ever experienced that, you'd never wish for it again.  It generally comes with a whole body shudder and suddenly for just a moment, the pain is totally gone and you feel like you're floating but not in a good way.  Floating like you're about to fall and hit the ground.  And then you go slamming right back into your body. But here's the kicker... what felt like a few seconds can actually be a good stretch of time.  Livy found me just staring at the wall once.  She said I sat like that perfectly still for ten minutes at least never moved, she said I didn't even blink.  then all of the sudden I shuddered and I blinked and I was back.  I have absolutely no memory of this.

Tonight, I took a good long look in the mirror.  Just to the left of my left eye my skin is turning darker... In the shape of what looks like a crudely drawn butterfly.  Combined with my bright red birthmark it's not exactly pretty.

I'm supposed to call her if I saw this.

The first thing I did when I get home that first night was to google if Lupus could be transmitted sexually.  Thankfully it cannot.  Please don't think I'm saying I think I got this through sex.  That was never my thought.  My thought was could I give it.  Every single source I could find assured me that I cannot give it to him.

But every single souce I can find says that this is going to get bad.  I'm going to have good days, I'm going to have bad days and I'm going to have really shitty beyond words days.  Now that I've finally found someone that I can see a future with can I do that to him?

It's not that I don't think he'd stick around.  Something tells me he would.  But do I want him to see me like that?  Days when I feel like he deserves someone that's not looking at being sick.  Days when I can't even get out of bed because it hurts too much.

Can I do that to him?  I don't think I can.

Part of me wants to just say "Run!  Run far! Run Fast!  Run and remember me the way I am right this moment.  Remember me before you got to see me on days when I can't stay awake for shit.  Run and remember me before you saw me have to crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom because my feet were so swollen and hurting that walking was a wishful dream.(yeah that's happened a few times)  Remember only those times I couldn't walk right because you made my legs like jelly."

And yet Part of me hope he'll stay and hold me and tell me he's not going anywhere.  That those days I can't stay awake, he'll lay beside me.  Those days when pretty much all I can do is lie there with a book, he'll sit or lay there and let me prop the book up on his leg while he plays a video game or watches a movie.

I promised myself that Friday before last was the only day I was going to allow myself to wallow.  If I gonna have to live with this then dammit I'm going to live.  They say God gives you no more than you can carry.  So I guess He has decided I can carry this.

I will not wallow.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will not be upset if I have to do this alone (Total lie by the way but it sounds good)
I will not cry. (Still lying)
I will not WebMd myself into apoplexy thinking this is going to kill me in the next 24 hours. (again total lie)

Most of all, I will never say Fuck my life.  Because aside from  what is fast becoming something I can't ignore, my life is golden right now.  Good job.  Good man.  Awesome sex life.  Did I say good man?  Children who are about to leave the nest.  Really. Awesome. Guy.  Friends that I love.

I'm just gonna sigh.  And go to bed.  Because it's two freaking AM and I should have been sleep hours ago.  Damn Netflix...

Goodnight.

So.... I'm kinda at a loss for words right now...

So we're just gonna skip all the brouhaha about me not blogging for like five months, right?

Good.  I love you too.

So my last post was what? January?  A lot has happened.

So much.

Cannot begin to tell you...  Well yeah I can...

I don't know what happened in January that started to make my life more than I could bear...  Maybe it was that grey hairs started to look like they were outnumbering the black hair or that even when I dyed my hair the grey ones were still peeking through in all their smugness saying, "Haha, we don't die! We multiply!!"  What I do know is that smack in the middle of January I realized that my best wasn't good enough for the goals I had set for myself.  More importantly, other goals that I had set were getting farther and farther away.

This year I will turn 37.  Every New years I make the same resolution.  This will be the year.  It's a blanket resolution that can cover any multitude of things but mostly it covers me being alone.  Okay, not mostly.  Always.

Although this year, New Years had a new twist on it.  I spent it dancing in church and I prayed that this year will be the year.  With a capitol THE.  The year that finally they would see me for what I'm worth at work.  The year that my ex's wife stops thinking of me as the wicked witch of the South that secretly wants her ex husband back.  The year that I would meet someone that made me question if people were right; that I needed to accept myself before I could have feelings for someone else.  The year that for once everything went up instead of up and down.

I actually prayed.  And not a Dear God prayer but more of a talk where I sat there and just talked.  Into thin air?  To Him? To the walls?  I don't know but I talked.

And the middle of January, it came to me.  In order for things to change, I needed to change.  In order for me to change, I needed to take a step back and think about what I wanted to change.

The first thing I looked at was my work life.  I'm not proud to admit it, but I woke up each morning and had a very sad routine.  I got up, I cried in pain because my hands were killing me.  Then I got angry because I was crying and then I cried because I had to do it all over again one more day.  I had to go in and deal with crap that was way above my shit level.  not my pay level, my shit level as in I shouldn't be giving two shits about it.  Customers that knew that they could complain and complain and insult me and say pretty much whatever they wanted to say and all I could do was say "Yes sir/ma'am." and give them free food on top of it.  Drivers that didn't respect me as a shift leader and who thought it was okay to tell me to shut the f up multiple times a day.  And then what honestly felt like the last straw on the Camel's back, the appointment of a new Assistant manager that was about to walk in and take over all that I was doing and get paid more for it.  A child who routinely threatened that if someone acted wrongly he would fire them.  Something that I had on assurance that he couldn't actually do but having to stand there and say nothing every time he said it.

Now don't get me wrong.  He was a nice kid.  He was pleasant enough but a very selfish part of my mind still screamed that he was a kid.  And that very selfish part of my brain was making me resent him.  And resent my boss.  And the latter I couldn't have because she was and is to this day one of my closer friends.  I hid my feelings for most of February.  I guess I did, I'm sure that it was clearly evident how I felt but I honestly didn't care.  So I quit.  I put in my notice and I left.  I left before I hated the place and the people that didn't deserve my hate.

For the first week, I slept.  Slept like I was never going to get out of my bed.  Ohmigod the sleep.  I slept in for the first time in months, I had time to cook for the girls.  I even had time for them to have sleep overs.

And in March, I did something I thought I'd never do.  I took a singular chance and began talking to a man on Tinder.  Like seriously talking.  I gave him my phone number and didn't regret doing so in the slightest.  I met him in person and even though I was scared out of my mind and nervous as hell I found that with him, even that first meeting, I didn't have to try to be anyone.  Being me just happened.

Scared the shit out of me.  Let me tell you.   Did you know that I can be funny?  That given the chance I can smile and make jokes and chat?  Neither did I!  He and I are still talking.  Every day I feel more comfortable with him.  Still scares the crap outta me because this is all new territory but I was able to tell him that which speaks more than it seems.

Can someone who knows the ins and outs of dating please enlighten me on what I am feeling?  I am constantly rethinking over everything I've said and done and wondering "Oh God is he going to chuck me?" But at the same time I wake up thinking about him.  If something happens, he's the first person I want to tell it to.  I don't get that flutter inside when I see him, I feel like... the best way to describe it is... I feel like... like... like I can finally breathe.  It's almost like from the time I leave him to the time I see him again I am taking half breaths but the second I see him and he opens his arms, I can take a deep breath.  That sounds absurd to even me but I think that's the best description of how I feel.  Free enough to breathe deeply.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Another good thing, I've gone back to Howies.  Back with my friends and doing something I love.

And guess what else??!

 Yep, that's right, for the first time ever, I have a new car!!  For the first time ever I also have a car payment but it's low and I earn that in one pay period so I can pay it okay.  I'm still looking for a name for her but I'm leaning toward Mitzi for mitsubishi.   OMG is it fast!!  I look down ad I'm going 60 before I even know it.  I never ever thought that I would love a tiny car but trust me when I tell you Mitzi only LOOKS tiny.  She has so much room on the inside that it's damn near ridiculous!  If i can only figure out how to attach my phone to what appears to be a bluetooth in the car I'd be way happier.   I loved my PT Cruiser but it was getting bothersome.  It started with it stopping on the road.  In the middle of driving it would just cut off.  I had time to coast to a stop in a safe place most of the time.  One particular time I had to think quickly and get to an exit off 77.  That time was scary.  The other times it was just bothersome.  Then it went months without doing it and I thought oh awesome!  It's grown out of that particular problem.  But then it started to overheat.  I was told that a radiator flush would take care of that problem so I paid seventy dollars for a radiator flush.  I sat there and watched the mechanic run water through it until it came out clean but still less than a mile down the road it over heated again.  I came home, had a glass of tequila rose and made the decision to get a new car.  Got up the next morning and acted on the decision before I had the chance to hesitate.

And with the good must always come the bad I guess...

Saturday Mommy, the girls and I were on our way back from Virginia when near tragedy struck...  A woman was stopped in the middle of 85.  Stopped dea. the car behind her skidded to a halt.  I'm not sure if he had already hit her but thanks to a defensive driving lesson I was given early in my driving days (Thank you Joey--never thought I'd say that) I was able to swerve so that not only did I only strike on the drivers side, I was able to avoid any airbag sensors.

I'm sore as shit though.  I guess being the driver and hitting only on the drivers side, I was going to get the brunt of it.  I think today was the worst of it though.  It better be.  I'm working the next six days and not being able to walk without a limp is kinda imperative. I took a hot shower this afternoon.  So far that an a couple of muscle relaxers and I've been able to sit and walk.  Let's hope it stays that way.

I should go to bed.  I have to have lil bit to school by 745 for a field trip.  I seriously doubt I'll go back to bed and I have a nail appointment at 12 so I have no clue what I'll do between 8 and noon.  I seriously doubt I'll go back to bed since once I wake up I usually don't go back to bed.

Yawn.  I should blog more.  No I should get to writing.  I really want to be published.  Maybe since this year is going so well for me... Then again, I'm so not pushing my luck.  I'm already blessed with a more than awesome guy and my job.  If I don't get published this year I will still consider this year a win.

Heh.  Does anyone remember when my blog was called Single and blogging?  God there were some wailing posts.  Sometimes I go back and read then just so that I can know how far I've come and grown.  Some of them make me cry.  Some of them make me angry but most of them simply make me realize that I'm not that person anymore.

Goodnight people.