is so not fun... Not fun at all!
My magic bullet chopping blade is missing. To be frank, since I have two magic bullets, two choppers and one mixer are missing and I have turned my kitchen literally upside down trying to find them. They are no where. In the process of looking however, I did find a few interesting things.
One of them being that my three kids have gone through 75 Capri Suns in 17 days. Let's do some math, shall we? Three kids times 1 Capri Sun five days a week. Three times 17 equals fifty one. Minus about six or seven because two of those school days they didn't take juice because they were going to the dentist and one day, Olivia didn't go to school. So in reality 44 juices should be gone or one BJ's pack plus four drinks from the first box of the second pack. They have gone through 75 drinks. In 17 days.
I found about ten empty Capri Sun's behind the microwave. A couple under the fridge, some under the toaster oven, and one or two behind the stove. Part of me is wondering my my kids were sneaky enough to drink them but not get rid of the evidence in a more permanent way... like say oh... THROWING THEM OUT!
Seriously, my kids suck at espionage. This is probably a good thing but they really suck. Worse when they work separately they end up pointing the finger at each other and when they work together they still work separately and STILL end up getting each other in trouble...
I found nutri-grain bar wrappers under the sink, some in the fireplace in the living room and in a drawer.
What I don't get is how to get them to understand that they are stealing from themselves. They aren't eating the food that I eat. They aren't going and cooking things like whole chickens and eating them. They aren't making cakes and devouring them before I even know the cake mix is missing. They aren't hurting me in any way and I can't get them to understand that.
I think this is a desperate out cry for attention and frankly, they've won. But not the way they think they have.
I took the capri sun's away so that now they have to drink water from the water fountain at school. I have also called the school and asked them to block drink purchases during lunch. The nutri grain bars I am leaving where they are only because when they finish them, I will simply not buy anymore.
We have also started a new world order. They, and by they I mean Jovaughn, broke the dishwasher so now dishes have to be done by hand. This works because I also have taken on the task of teaching them that as sisters and brother, they need to learn to work together and get along, So I put all three of them in the kitchen. I then informed them that they were to make my kitchen spotless and if I found anything wrong, all three of them would catch it on their butts. This went for the floor, the stove, and the dishes.
OMG bloggers. for the first time since I assigned this task to the boy, I have clean dishes. I mean clean like I'm not afraid to drink out of the cups or eat off the plates. For the first time in a long time, I do not live in fear of catching E coli from my very own dishes. It's freaking awesome. And even though it took them two hours past their bedtime to achieve this, my kitchen was clean and best of all, there was no fighting. None. none at all. It was like... like... awesome. Three kids stuck in a kitchen under the threat of being whooped until hell froze over and no fighting...
I have told them that they are each responsible for every room they live in this house. So when it comes time to clean the bedrooms everyone will be in one room. The boy will help clean the girls room and the girls will help clean the boys room and the bathroom will be done communally. There will be no playing outside, no cable tv. And no wii until they learn that one, they must work together, two my blades for my magic bullet are found, and they learn how to clean. They will be their own best friends.
Oy! This is going to take forever. Doing it sick is no picnic either but I will prevail.
Can someone pass me a dayquil??
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Hehe so...
I was kinda harsh to the men out there in blog land last night... I kinda apologize. Kinda. Sorta... uhm will you take me batting my eyes as a good enough pretend sorry??
No, really. I am sorry for calling ya'll pussies. That was a bit on the harsh side.
But dammit I am upset about today's men. Can one of ya'll step up and finally tell a woman what you are looking for? Do you even know? Cause uh, I am not the only one out here trying to snag a man and coming up with not even water.
So how many of you have been told the "There's other fish in the sea" line? Where? What sea? Can I get a fishing rod and some bait please?? Cause the waters here in Charlotte only differ from New Jersey's waters because the men here have more class than to get piss drunk and throw lines like "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" out at the ladies.
Speaking of ladies, you all know that that whole Lady in the streets but a freak in the bed means you might have to take us to bed to find out if we hold to that, right? I'm about done playing the lady. I've been playing the lady so damn long I feel like Susan Lucci before they finally gave that woman the Emmy. Dammit I want my Emmy, my Oscar, my whoever.
I just... I just want to give up. I want to just throw in the towel like I said I would do at 32 and be done.
Not to sound like I'm lowering myself in anyway, I am even willing to go back and be with a military man. I mean the military wasn't my issue when I was married, It was my service member. He was the one that did me dirty. Not the military. I think I would like a military man. They have a structure about them that kinda matches my own. Of course that might be because my sense of structure comes from being a Military wife. It took me a few years but I learned when to keep my mouth shut and nod n smile. Or at least not let them see that I was holding up a certain finger in response to something I was told to do. :-D
Ah, whatever...
So today is my daughter, Kayla Grace's eleventh birthday. That's right, she's turned eleven on the the eleventh hour or the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year! Isn't that awesome?? They announced her name on the news and everything. Even had her picture. I am going over Patty's house tomorrow to record it off her tv with my phone and then I can put it up on Facebook or something to show everyone! She was at my mothers house for a sleep over but she got up to see it and was soo excited. I'm happy for her. I love it when my kids are happy.
So refer back to the blog on the 11th of November last year. You know that Kayla's birthdays are always a little bit extra special to me because it's God's reminder to me that he giveth and taketh away life. The woman that came in in distressed labor as I was supposed to go in lost her baby and a little part of me can't help but think that If she had not come in and I had gone would the Angel of death have taken my child? I honestly don't think there would be a Livy if I had lost Kayla. I tend to take the bad things in my lief and chew on them for a long time. Losing a child would have been something I was still chewing on eleven years later.
I'm going to go pop in a movie and sit on my bed and alternately watch it and read my book. All of my movies I've seen before and I've read this book at least three times before but I'm like that. I do that alot.
So goodnight. Enjoy the rest of your Veterans day. I hope all the soldiers/sailors out there had a good time. I hope you aren't like my ex who takes his military ID and goes to every single restaurant he can just to get the free appetizer and then bounces! LOL
Good night!
No, really. I am sorry for calling ya'll pussies. That was a bit on the harsh side.
But dammit I am upset about today's men. Can one of ya'll step up and finally tell a woman what you are looking for? Do you even know? Cause uh, I am not the only one out here trying to snag a man and coming up with not even water.
So how many of you have been told the "There's other fish in the sea" line? Where? What sea? Can I get a fishing rod and some bait please?? Cause the waters here in Charlotte only differ from New Jersey's waters because the men here have more class than to get piss drunk and throw lines like "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" out at the ladies.
Speaking of ladies, you all know that that whole Lady in the streets but a freak in the bed means you might have to take us to bed to find out if we hold to that, right? I'm about done playing the lady. I've been playing the lady so damn long I feel like Susan Lucci before they finally gave that woman the Emmy. Dammit I want my Emmy, my Oscar, my whoever.
I just... I just want to give up. I want to just throw in the towel like I said I would do at 32 and be done.
Not to sound like I'm lowering myself in anyway, I am even willing to go back and be with a military man. I mean the military wasn't my issue when I was married, It was my service member. He was the one that did me dirty. Not the military. I think I would like a military man. They have a structure about them that kinda matches my own. Of course that might be because my sense of structure comes from being a Military wife. It took me a few years but I learned when to keep my mouth shut and nod n smile. Or at least not let them see that I was holding up a certain finger in response to something I was told to do. :-D
Ah, whatever...
So today is my daughter, Kayla Grace's eleventh birthday. That's right, she's turned eleven on the the eleventh hour or the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year! Isn't that awesome?? They announced her name on the news and everything. Even had her picture. I am going over Patty's house tomorrow to record it off her tv with my phone and then I can put it up on Facebook or something to show everyone! She was at my mothers house for a sleep over but she got up to see it and was soo excited. I'm happy for her. I love it when my kids are happy.
So refer back to the blog on the 11th of November last year. You know that Kayla's birthdays are always a little bit extra special to me because it's God's reminder to me that he giveth and taketh away life. The woman that came in in distressed labor as I was supposed to go in lost her baby and a little part of me can't help but think that If she had not come in and I had gone would the Angel of death have taken my child? I honestly don't think there would be a Livy if I had lost Kayla. I tend to take the bad things in my lief and chew on them for a long time. Losing a child would have been something I was still chewing on eleven years later.
I'm going to go pop in a movie and sit on my bed and alternately watch it and read my book. All of my movies I've seen before and I've read this book at least three times before but I'm like that. I do that alot.
So goodnight. Enjoy the rest of your Veterans day. I hope all the soldiers/sailors out there had a good time. I hope you aren't like my ex who takes his military ID and goes to every single restaurant he can just to get the free appetizer and then bounces! LOL
Good night!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I'm not feeling like a lady
because I have another of my famous migraines. If I didn't hate them before, I hate them now. No that's not true... I have always hated my migraines. Ever since one hit me like a brick in the head during sex. I think that was when I officially began hating migraines. I mean ruining sex is a good enough reason to hate anything or anyone.
So I got a message on facebook the other day telling me that I shouldn't blog about how desperate for a man I am. That it makes me look cheap and like I would take anyone that came along.
Do we really need to go thrugh this again people? Really?
MY BLOG! I don't know how many more languages I need to say it in, if you don't like what you read close the window! You all get mad if I say on Facebook how lonely I am, you get pissy if I tweet about how lonely I am, What the eff more do you want?
I'm not altering my blog for people who act like I'm holding their eyes open with toothpicks and forcing them to read.
I mean I'm lonely. I have no one that loves me the way that I want to be loved. I want to be with someone. I see my friends in their gushy sappy sweet moments and after I laugh and or gag, I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I don't deserve that. No one does. I don't care what they've done in their lives, No one deserves to be forced to live out life alone.
I have theories why people like me are alone.
1. All the real men are taken. Sounds trite but I think it's the truth. The real men out there are doing right by their women and their women are smart enough to know that if they let the man go they will be screwed.
2. The men left are afraid of women with children. I mean seriously?? How much of a pussy do you have to be to be afraid of committing to a woman with children. Unless she outright says to you that she is looking for someone to support her and her children, here's a clue: She was raising the kids before you, so she can raise the kids without you. Stop looking at what came out of her and see her.
3. The ones that aren't afraid of the women with children don't want to be involved with someone else's family. I got nothing on that one. Except to say nigra, stop being a pussy. If you use that as an excuse, you deserve both Nigra and pussy. Each alone is bad but to be both, you need to go stand in the corner with a big bright target on.
4. A thick woman turns them off. Again, if this describes you, go stand in the corner. You cannot be helped. A thick woman most of the time means that girlfriend can throw down in the kitchen. The common misconception is that she can eat and only that. If she can eat, she can most likely cook. If she can cook, chances are, she loves to cook for people. How is this a potential downfall. Fellas really! If girlfriend is willing to step up to the stove to feed you why the hell are you running away? Again, go stand in the corner. He's a flashing light to keep you busy.
5. Back to the kids thing... they want women that will give them mini versions of themselves. But you don't want the woman. He's a sig flashing light. Why dont you go stand at the airport and guide the planes in? Go on honey...
If there are anymore reasons that you all can think of, please enlighten me. Because all the guys that I have even thought about any kind of anything with, ended up with stick figures or women with no kids.
If that's what men want, I'm screwed.
Ugh... my migraine is kicking my ass... Drinking the water to take my aleve about near killed me... I'm going to call it a night...
So I got a message on facebook the other day telling me that I shouldn't blog about how desperate for a man I am. That it makes me look cheap and like I would take anyone that came along.
Do we really need to go thrugh this again people? Really?
MY BLOG! I don't know how many more languages I need to say it in, if you don't like what you read close the window! You all get mad if I say on Facebook how lonely I am, you get pissy if I tweet about how lonely I am, What the eff more do you want?
I'm not altering my blog for people who act like I'm holding their eyes open with toothpicks and forcing them to read.
I mean I'm lonely. I have no one that loves me the way that I want to be loved. I want to be with someone. I see my friends in their gushy sappy sweet moments and after I laugh and or gag, I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I don't deserve that. No one does. I don't care what they've done in their lives, No one deserves to be forced to live out life alone.
I have theories why people like me are alone.
1. All the real men are taken. Sounds trite but I think it's the truth. The real men out there are doing right by their women and their women are smart enough to know that if they let the man go they will be screwed.
2. The men left are afraid of women with children. I mean seriously?? How much of a pussy do you have to be to be afraid of committing to a woman with children. Unless she outright says to you that she is looking for someone to support her and her children, here's a clue: She was raising the kids before you, so she can raise the kids without you. Stop looking at what came out of her and see her.
3. The ones that aren't afraid of the women with children don't want to be involved with someone else's family. I got nothing on that one. Except to say nigra, stop being a pussy. If you use that as an excuse, you deserve both Nigra and pussy. Each alone is bad but to be both, you need to go stand in the corner with a big bright target on.
4. A thick woman turns them off. Again, if this describes you, go stand in the corner. You cannot be helped. A thick woman most of the time means that girlfriend can throw down in the kitchen. The common misconception is that she can eat and only that. If she can eat, she can most likely cook. If she can cook, chances are, she loves to cook for people. How is this a potential downfall. Fellas really! If girlfriend is willing to step up to the stove to feed you why the hell are you running away? Again, go stand in the corner. He's a flashing light to keep you busy.
5. Back to the kids thing... they want women that will give them mini versions of themselves. But you don't want the woman. He's a sig flashing light. Why dont you go stand at the airport and guide the planes in? Go on honey...
If there are anymore reasons that you all can think of, please enlighten me. Because all the guys that I have even thought about any kind of anything with, ended up with stick figures or women with no kids.
If that's what men want, I'm screwed.
Ugh... my migraine is kicking my ass... Drinking the water to take my aleve about near killed me... I'm going to call it a night...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What can I say?
I'm the person that no matter what time of the day, no matter how I am feeling, no matter if I really would rather not hear it, I'm going to listen to your problems. I don't care if I have had such a hellish day that the Devil himself shakes his head and says, "Damn, kid.", I'm going to listen to your problems and never once say a word about my own unless you actually notice that quiver in my voice or notice that ninety percent of my answers are"...yeah" or "uh-huh."
Why? Damned if I knew... Well not damned. IF I knew why I was world biggest doormat, I would be happy because then I could change it. I could reach down deep inside and tell people that just once, just effing once, I'd like a conversation to be about me.
Because of my meltdown I have had three friends tell me that I made them feel shitty. Hmmm... Yeah. I made THEM feel shitty because I never said a word about how I was feeling. I kinda did but they weren't words that they could or did see. My Facebook is my life. I literally post everything there. If I'm in a happy mood, my picture is usually of me smiling and my posts are of a happy nature. If it's not a good day, I may or may not change my profile picture and my posts will be scarce or dark. If it's a really bad day, there's bound to be a lot of cussing and putting down of other people.
I don't speak up when I need that emotional lifejacket. I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to break into a conversation and say, "Hey, do me a favor and shut up so I can tell you about my day." No. I only know how to try to make you see that ish is bad for me right now and if I fail at that then I'll go n feeling ishy and like a big jackass for not speaking up.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at the friends that told me that I made them feel shitty. Well... no. Nope. I'm hurt that I in my infinite darkness and despair made them feel bad but To be fair, telling me that I made you feel bad when I'm feeling like the biggest nothing on the planet??? Wow. That's just special.
So yeah... Like I said before, I'm pulling myself up and out of the hole. At least I hope I am. We'll see. We'll see.
But you can be for damn certain that if I have a meltdown again, it WILL NOT leak out to Facebook.
Why? Damned if I knew... Well not damned. IF I knew why I was world biggest doormat, I would be happy because then I could change it. I could reach down deep inside and tell people that just once, just effing once, I'd like a conversation to be about me.
Because of my meltdown I have had three friends tell me that I made them feel shitty. Hmmm... Yeah. I made THEM feel shitty because I never said a word about how I was feeling. I kinda did but they weren't words that they could or did see. My Facebook is my life. I literally post everything there. If I'm in a happy mood, my picture is usually of me smiling and my posts are of a happy nature. If it's not a good day, I may or may not change my profile picture and my posts will be scarce or dark. If it's a really bad day, there's bound to be a lot of cussing and putting down of other people.
I don't speak up when I need that emotional lifejacket. I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to break into a conversation and say, "Hey, do me a favor and shut up so I can tell you about my day." No. I only know how to try to make you see that ish is bad for me right now and if I fail at that then I'll go n feeling ishy and like a big jackass for not speaking up.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at the friends that told me that I made them feel shitty. Well... no. Nope. I'm hurt that I in my infinite darkness and despair made them feel bad but To be fair, telling me that I made you feel bad when I'm feeling like the biggest nothing on the planet??? Wow. That's just special.
So yeah... Like I said before, I'm pulling myself up and out of the hole. At least I hope I am. We'll see. We'll see.
But you can be for damn certain that if I have a meltdown again, it WILL NOT leak out to Facebook.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
...
Here I am,
Can you see me?
I've come so far from where I was.
My hole has claimed me,
Won't let me go
This time, I think for good.
It's dark in here
And there is an echo
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
I'm cold.
But I can still see glimpses of the sun
It's hazy but it's there
Bright and shiny and yellow.
The hole is closing in
the view is growing thin
The light is dying away.
I throw my rope but no one catches it
I call out but no one answers.
It doesn't matter anymore.
The light is gone.
The Echo is silenced
I'm standing on nothing
Nothing is standing on me.
I had hope you could see me.
I had hoped you could hear me.
But you didn't and I'm gone.
My hole has claimed me once again
This time, I think,
For good.
Can you see me?
I've come so far from where I was.
My hole has claimed me,
Won't let me go
This time, I think for good.
It's dark in here
And there is an echo
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
I'm cold.
But I can still see glimpses of the sun
It's hazy but it's there
Bright and shiny and yellow.
The hole is closing in
the view is growing thin
The light is dying away.
I throw my rope but no one catches it
I call out but no one answers.
It doesn't matter anymore.
The light is gone.
The Echo is silenced
I'm standing on nothing
Nothing is standing on me.
I had hope you could see me.
I had hoped you could hear me.
But you didn't and I'm gone.
My hole has claimed me once again
This time, I think,
For good.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Losing it...
Slowly I am... Said in my most awesome Yoda voice. You know I never understood the Yoda thing. It's funny as all get out to say but I still don't get it.
I'm down to having deep emotional conversations with myself. The kind that make one of us cry. Yeah... Im serious. I have actually been driving myself to tears with my own self loathing. How the hell does that happen to a happy well adjusted person?
Snicker... I couldn't even finish typing that with a straight face... I am so I no way happy and well adjusted and I think I left normal back at the three year old mark...
So let's recap the computer issues. I got up and updated the flash player, I updated internet explorer, and I cleaned out half the ish that was making it run like a caterpillar uphill stuck in molasses. It runs. It does not do games very well, still. I pulled up my ranch this morning, got it harvested and even managed to plant stuff and went to see to the kids. I got back and the flash plug in had crashed. It had crashed while saving. It was still trying to save the crop I had taken off a half an hour prior. So all the work I had done was now null and void and never happened. I shut the shit off and went back to bed.
It's funny how when you are just laying in bed without shit to do NO ONE calls you or texts you, but lay in bed with express need to sleep or escape the world just for a little while and the world is the alarm clock you just can't reach to throw at the wall. Never freaking fails. I sit here in silent torment and nada, not a word. I call a couple of people to have a whine moment and well, you all know how that usually goes. But fall asleep to pretend the world has melted away and suddenly your phone number is the most popular on earth..
I wanted to go to the movies today. I want to see Real Steel. I can probably go, coming back would be a concern. Lack of gas and all that. Then, there's the whole I have ten bucks to put in the yank hit I need that ten bucks for the ticket and we're back to square one.
I should have just gone Friday night when I wanted to, I had gas, and ticket money. Damn if only foresight was as awesome as hindsight... Of course I didn't need awesome psychic powers to know that the quarter tank of gas was going to spark a lecture on how when I get my car, I am going to kill my engine because I ride until the light come on when I have no funds... It was a lesson my grandpa taught my mom. I love the.man always but this is the same man that thought driving 55 in the fast lane of ANY highway was a good thing because it paced others and kept them from getting speeding tickets. The guy that taught my mom to drive with one foot hanging out of the car so he could jump.
So I'm going to have to admit this sooner or later but I don't think I'm going to get to see my movie. The lack of gas covered by the fact that my utilities will most likely be shut off any damn day assure me of the fact that I don't have the right to go do anything fun.
I want a damn job! I want to go to school. I want to better myself but I live to freaking far away from any bus stop, and use of my moms car without submitting to the daily guilt trip is just so not worth the bother. It really isn't.
Sigh... I might should have stayed my ass in New Jersey but I know moving was the right thing to do. My kids have space here, there's no bedbugs or roaches. (Side note my phone just auto corrected roaches to discuss...) They can go out to play. They are getting a good education unlike Asbury Park. Yeah sure I had a job in NJ but it wasn't paying anything. I was drowning in debt there. Here I'm just drowning emotionally. Financially, I'm not sunk yet.
Whatever... My thumbs ate getting tired... I'll probably blog more tonight since there is nothing left to do.
Blogging ciao!
I'm down to having deep emotional conversations with myself. The kind that make one of us cry. Yeah... Im serious. I have actually been driving myself to tears with my own self loathing. How the hell does that happen to a happy well adjusted person?
Snicker... I couldn't even finish typing that with a straight face... I am so I no way happy and well adjusted and I think I left normal back at the three year old mark...
So let's recap the computer issues. I got up and updated the flash player, I updated internet explorer, and I cleaned out half the ish that was making it run like a caterpillar uphill stuck in molasses. It runs. It does not do games very well, still. I pulled up my ranch this morning, got it harvested and even managed to plant stuff and went to see to the kids. I got back and the flash plug in had crashed. It had crashed while saving. It was still trying to save the crop I had taken off a half an hour prior. So all the work I had done was now null and void and never happened. I shut the shit off and went back to bed.
It's funny how when you are just laying in bed without shit to do NO ONE calls you or texts you, but lay in bed with express need to sleep or escape the world just for a little while and the world is the alarm clock you just can't reach to throw at the wall. Never freaking fails. I sit here in silent torment and nada, not a word. I call a couple of people to have a whine moment and well, you all know how that usually goes. But fall asleep to pretend the world has melted away and suddenly your phone number is the most popular on earth..
I wanted to go to the movies today. I want to see Real Steel. I can probably go, coming back would be a concern. Lack of gas and all that. Then, there's the whole I have ten bucks to put in the yank hit I need that ten bucks for the ticket and we're back to square one.
I should have just gone Friday night when I wanted to, I had gas, and ticket money. Damn if only foresight was as awesome as hindsight... Of course I didn't need awesome psychic powers to know that the quarter tank of gas was going to spark a lecture on how when I get my car, I am going to kill my engine because I ride until the light come on when I have no funds... It was a lesson my grandpa taught my mom. I love the.man always but this is the same man that thought driving 55 in the fast lane of ANY highway was a good thing because it paced others and kept them from getting speeding tickets. The guy that taught my mom to drive with one foot hanging out of the car so he could jump.
So I'm going to have to admit this sooner or later but I don't think I'm going to get to see my movie. The lack of gas covered by the fact that my utilities will most likely be shut off any damn day assure me of the fact that I don't have the right to go do anything fun.
I want a damn job! I want to go to school. I want to better myself but I live to freaking far away from any bus stop, and use of my moms car without submitting to the daily guilt trip is just so not worth the bother. It really isn't.
Sigh... I might should have stayed my ass in New Jersey but I know moving was the right thing to do. My kids have space here, there's no bedbugs or roaches. (Side note my phone just auto corrected roaches to discuss...) They can go out to play. They are getting a good education unlike Asbury Park. Yeah sure I had a job in NJ but it wasn't paying anything. I was drowning in debt there. Here I'm just drowning emotionally. Financially, I'm not sunk yet.
Whatever... My thumbs ate getting tired... I'll probably blog more tonight since there is nothing left to do.
Blogging ciao!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Night two in the land of net-less...
While I sit Herr trying to come up with witty repartè to describe my net less state, I have to make a confession... I actually procured my kids computer this evening, and it didn't help for ish... Yes I can get online, but I can do little it actually made me cry. It was running FireFox 3.2, and wouldn't update it. It's running internet explorer 4 or 5 and won't update, and Google Chrome makes it all but stop.
So needless to say, I will not be getting this contract on Gourmet Ranch done and I am so far past despondent and pissed off that I'm pretty sure there isn't a word.
Add that problem to my continual celebate state and well, its a not so humorous situation that boarders on me being a very moody person.
I really should not be this despondant with loss of a game, but its become a bright shiny in my life. Everyone needs one. In gourmet ranch there is no one making me feel so unsexy I want to just scream, there is no football practice with a coach that calls my mothering into question, and no one whining at me to do something or be somewhere or be someone that I'm not.
Okay that was a bit telling. Whatever, its a blog.
Well as usual when I am blogging from the phone, this is going to short and I need to change the channel because I'm kinda tired of hearing about the racecar driver that died today. Not that I'm not sad a life is lost, but a fair few soldiers lost their lives today, a few cancer patients died today but the news' top story is a guy driving a hundred miles an hour crashed his car and died.
This is what happens when I start sinking... I get mean. I'm going to go now.
Sigh...
Friday, October 14, 2011
Please don't misunderstand me...
Spending time with my kids is fun. I love my kids but spending time with my kids isn't the same anymore. Livy is still young enough for time with Mommy to be awesome, but for Jovaughn and Kayla, spending time with mom is limited to spacial moments when they feel they can tollerate me.
I'm not at all surprised it's come this point either. When I reached the point where spending time with my mom became a chore, I never once said that I was going to be so much fun that my kids would want to spend every waking moment with me because one, I'm not a total idiot, and two, even as a teen I understood that adults needed time with other adults or they go all loopy in the head.
I past loopy and landed smack in the middle of nutty.
I don't like playing Wii games against my son because he's a bad loser and and even worse winner. We tried playing super Mario brothers and he doesn't get the concept of team play no matter what anyone says and he happily leaves EVERYONE behind just to get the prize himself not realizing that now no one wants to play with him because he's been a little shit and caused us all to die.
Kayla gets upset with me because I can't do all the games she wants me to do because one, she has little coordination so I spent most of my time dodging her and the other half fighting through blinding back pain because she believe all games must include Wii boxing, Wii Baseball standing up, Wii dancing, or dancing and kicking period.
Let's not go into Livy. Very bad looser. Very bad winner. If the game is not going her way or the movie chosen is not her choice you can count Princess Livy out.
Like I said, I love my kids but at the ages of 10,11, and 12, I fully understand why some animals eat their young.
In other news. One of my best friends has blocked me from seeing her facebook page and I don't know why. I can't honestly say that this is one of my major concerns... It doesn't keep me awake at night, but the fact that we've known each other for twenty three years and she would do something like that is kinda heart hitting.
IT's almost like this is her ringing declaration that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. A far nicer way to do it would have been to just delete me, you know? Then I would have never known until I went to say hello that she had done what she did. And I would have been just as hurt with that choice but somehow being my friend but not really being my friend hurts a whole lot more. Kinda like shooting someone but not killing them. The fact that you shot them is bad enough but leaving them alive to really feel your angst too? Wow.
Okay, maybe it is one of my major concerns. Like I said we were or have been friends for 23 years. That's not something you throw away lightly. We had a gap in communication when I was first married and couldn't keep an internet signal let alone a phone and she met a whole new set of friends and that's great, I mean, I met some new friends too but the difference between us, her new friends for the most part took me back to high school and made me feel like the token black and worse, very little was ever done to not make me feel such. She'd rather talk to them then respond to me saying hello but let me have an issue on Facebook where I need to vent and suddenly I'm the ninth grader that needs a strong hand to keep me in line.
Okay now I'm letting my bitterness creep in and I'm adult enough to know it at this point. But damn. My new friends accepted that she was my oldest friend and that was that. There's only been one occasion to mix her with one of my new friends and when the new friend didn't really take to her, I just didn't try it again...
Fuck, I said this wasn't going to be a big deal to me but I guess when you blog and let all your feelings loose and the flood gates open you realize just how much the end of a friendship that you held close to you like a blood family member hurts. I mean like a physical hurt. My chest really hurts when I think about how some of my old friends can't accept that I'm not the same person I was in OTHS. Okay fine, I've changed and so have you but still...
And yes, in case anyone out there is actually wondering, I have changed drastically since high school. It took me a long time to realize it but not only was I going through a huge identity crisis where I thought I was white in high school (and that is in NO WAY a slam on anyone white just so we're clear) I was oppressed because I clung to a few people that really did see me as the token black in the room. It took me awhile to realize that that isn't a good role to play and for a long time, I refused to hang out with anyone but blacks. That was wrong of me but at least I didn't feel like I was in their presence to satisfy and ACLU quota. I've also realized that black or wanna be white, I am a very attractive woman and I don't need to be made to feel inferior because the guy I like might like someone that's thinner, blonder, perkier, or has bigger boobs than I do. It's his loss, not mine.
Ugh, on to brighter topics... What she does and how she feels are a concern to me but I don't have time for pettiness right now. I am contemplating deleting her and just being done but yeah... twenty three years...
I told you that time with no other adults makes adults go loopy. I've gone so far round the bend I don't think I can even see the beginning of the trail anymore...
My migraine is trying to announce it's presence again. I asked the pharmacist at Walgreens and he says if I can't shake it, it might be because I'm frustrated about something I won't allow to come to the surface... Of course I don't let my frustrations surface. People get hurt when I let my frustrations out. I get hurt. Okay, mainly I get hurt. Others don't seem to give a flying fart in space.
Ever get one of those fleeting thoughts that you cant handle life and and everyone elses would be awesome if you just weren't there? Yeah? Well lately, that thought isn't so fleeting... And I don't mean not there as in kill myself, I mean not there as you were never born or, at the exact moment in the past when you met that person your steps took you in a completely opposite direction and you just didn't meet. Where is the angel to show me what life would have been like if I'd never been around when I need him??
Blast... let me go sort through my many frustrations and figure out what which one is pinching the nerve in my head...
I'm not at all surprised it's come this point either. When I reached the point where spending time with my mom became a chore, I never once said that I was going to be so much fun that my kids would want to spend every waking moment with me because one, I'm not a total idiot, and two, even as a teen I understood that adults needed time with other adults or they go all loopy in the head.
I past loopy and landed smack in the middle of nutty.
I don't like playing Wii games against my son because he's a bad loser and and even worse winner. We tried playing super Mario brothers and he doesn't get the concept of team play no matter what anyone says and he happily leaves EVERYONE behind just to get the prize himself not realizing that now no one wants to play with him because he's been a little shit and caused us all to die.
Kayla gets upset with me because I can't do all the games she wants me to do because one, she has little coordination so I spent most of my time dodging her and the other half fighting through blinding back pain because she believe all games must include Wii boxing, Wii Baseball standing up, Wii dancing, or dancing and kicking period.
Let's not go into Livy. Very bad looser. Very bad winner. If the game is not going her way or the movie chosen is not her choice you can count Princess Livy out.
Like I said, I love my kids but at the ages of 10,11, and 12, I fully understand why some animals eat their young.
In other news. One of my best friends has blocked me from seeing her facebook page and I don't know why. I can't honestly say that this is one of my major concerns... It doesn't keep me awake at night, but the fact that we've known each other for twenty three years and she would do something like that is kinda heart hitting.
IT's almost like this is her ringing declaration that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. A far nicer way to do it would have been to just delete me, you know? Then I would have never known until I went to say hello that she had done what she did. And I would have been just as hurt with that choice but somehow being my friend but not really being my friend hurts a whole lot more. Kinda like shooting someone but not killing them. The fact that you shot them is bad enough but leaving them alive to really feel your angst too? Wow.
Okay, maybe it is one of my major concerns. Like I said we were or have been friends for 23 years. That's not something you throw away lightly. We had a gap in communication when I was first married and couldn't keep an internet signal let alone a phone and she met a whole new set of friends and that's great, I mean, I met some new friends too but the difference between us, her new friends for the most part took me back to high school and made me feel like the token black and worse, very little was ever done to not make me feel such. She'd rather talk to them then respond to me saying hello but let me have an issue on Facebook where I need to vent and suddenly I'm the ninth grader that needs a strong hand to keep me in line.
Okay now I'm letting my bitterness creep in and I'm adult enough to know it at this point. But damn. My new friends accepted that she was my oldest friend and that was that. There's only been one occasion to mix her with one of my new friends and when the new friend didn't really take to her, I just didn't try it again...
Fuck, I said this wasn't going to be a big deal to me but I guess when you blog and let all your feelings loose and the flood gates open you realize just how much the end of a friendship that you held close to you like a blood family member hurts. I mean like a physical hurt. My chest really hurts when I think about how some of my old friends can't accept that I'm not the same person I was in OTHS. Okay fine, I've changed and so have you but still...
And yes, in case anyone out there is actually wondering, I have changed drastically since high school. It took me a long time to realize it but not only was I going through a huge identity crisis where I thought I was white in high school (and that is in NO WAY a slam on anyone white just so we're clear) I was oppressed because I clung to a few people that really did see me as the token black in the room. It took me awhile to realize that that isn't a good role to play and for a long time, I refused to hang out with anyone but blacks. That was wrong of me but at least I didn't feel like I was in their presence to satisfy and ACLU quota. I've also realized that black or wanna be white, I am a very attractive woman and I don't need to be made to feel inferior because the guy I like might like someone that's thinner, blonder, perkier, or has bigger boobs than I do. It's his loss, not mine.
Ugh, on to brighter topics... What she does and how she feels are a concern to me but I don't have time for pettiness right now. I am contemplating deleting her and just being done but yeah... twenty three years...
I told you that time with no other adults makes adults go loopy. I've gone so far round the bend I don't think I can even see the beginning of the trail anymore...
My migraine is trying to announce it's presence again. I asked the pharmacist at Walgreens and he says if I can't shake it, it might be because I'm frustrated about something I won't allow to come to the surface... Of course I don't let my frustrations surface. People get hurt when I let my frustrations out. I get hurt. Okay, mainly I get hurt. Others don't seem to give a flying fart in space.
Ever get one of those fleeting thoughts that you cant handle life and and everyone elses would be awesome if you just weren't there? Yeah? Well lately, that thought isn't so fleeting... And I don't mean not there as in kill myself, I mean not there as you were never born or, at the exact moment in the past when you met that person your steps took you in a completely opposite direction and you just didn't meet. Where is the angel to show me what life would have been like if I'd never been around when I need him??
Blast... let me go sort through my many frustrations and figure out what which one is pinching the nerve in my head...
Thursday, October 13, 2011
This headache thing...
is getting very very old... I wake up with it, I fight it back with aspirin and caffeine during the day and I go to sleep with it.
I've developed a monogamous relationship with a pain in the neck...
Well, I wanted a real relationship... I guess this is what you get when you are really really vague in your prayers... insert weak laugh here.
I'm back to not sleeping well, Despite my melatonin. I have a feeling that that might be due to the copious amounts of caffeine I swig during the day to avoid taking more migraine pills (In case you didn't actually know one of the biggest ingredient in Advil and Excedrin migraine is caffeine and I would much rather get my doses in a bottle of Pepsi) I do generally stop when I hit the two and three hour mark before bed but I guess the build up is taking it's toll.
Well, I'm not going to complain. I do it to myself, so if I'm going to bitch at someone I might as well do it in the mirror and no good ever came of belittling myself in the mirror.
My heat smells like melting plastic. I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing...
So this morning, I don't go back to sleep. I am to take my moms neighbor to her doctors appointment. This is never a bother... In fact, I offered to take her.
Mrs. Lora is a sweet old lady that I would be proud to have as a grandmother. She has an elderly husband that they can never seem to get his sugar under control. One night it was actually under 10. When my mom is mobile she drives her back and forth to the hospital to visit him when he's there but when she's not I do. And it's curious how this came about. Mrs. Lora never really asked anyone for anything so far as I can tell, she's sweet and so far as I can figure everyone likes her. Yet when her husband was in a rehab (the kind for after a long hospital stay) about two months ago, she asked several people to take her up there. not take her and wait for her, just take her in the morning and come back for her in the afternoon. Like eight hours later. The place was quite literally five minutes from the senior complex where they live and do you know that people in that damn complex told her they would take her but she had to pay them twenty-five dollars!?!?!?!? I mean, dude! WTF? It's like a six block ride and they wanted her to pay that... Some people are shameless. Mommy and I offered. For free.
I swear, I had a lock on my gasoline soaked basket on the way to hell, but since moving here, I'm a much nicer person and look at me funny if you want to, but I'm not sure that's actually a good thing.
Did you ever see that Simpsons episode where Homer stopped being angry at Bart and these large lumps broke out on his neck? I feel like that's what my headaches are... Unused meanness. And that eventually it's either going to lump up on me and maybe kill me or come out in one big terrorist size blast that's going to fuck me with a lot of people. I'm talking massive scale like going t the Panthers Stadium and putting glue on all the seats so that no one can ever leave and then piping in the soundtrack to The Sound of Music in Tagolan (That's the language from Thailand).
I want coffee, but that would be a bad idea. Well not really. But it is a bad idea because for some reason, coffee, right now, tastes really bad no matter how I fix it and instead of wasting my precious supply I just choose not to start my day off disgusted.
Today is going to be one of those days that when I actually start my running, the Devil is going to look up and say, "Crap she's awake!"
UPDATE: Mrs. Lora called my mom who just called me. She doesn't have to go to the Dr. today! Yay! I can grab those last few hours of sleep by the tail!
Side note while I have time: Remember that man that I kept telling you I've been dreaming about? He's back. Well, he never really went away, but now he's back in a really clear way. Guys, I have seen his face. Fate or Morpheus or whoever is to take blame for dreams finally let me see his face and OMIGOD, if ever this man has been created, I'm going to have to fight hordes of women just to get at him... Then again, maybe not because he and I seem to have a connection. It's not really a surprise that he's white. Ive seen glimpses of him from different angles and I've seen his children. his eyes are what surprised me most. They are green with flecks of amber in then. And I finally placed his accent. It's definitely a Texas twang. My love is from Texas. Or his family is. Or he is there. IDK and IDC. I've heard his voice. His voice is like Kahlua gliding over ice cubes. Sigh...
Okay, the last child has left for school. Since I don't have to take anyone anywhere, I'm going to slide back into bed and grab a few z's...
When I get up, I think I might put my winter curtains back up. the sheer white ones are really only for spring and summer and since someone apparently hit the Autumn button for Charlotte, they aren't conducive to keeping my house warm... The life of a house...mom?
Okay, the brain is obviously started its shutdown mode sequence so Fare thee well all!!
I've developed a monogamous relationship with a pain in the neck...
Well, I wanted a real relationship... I guess this is what you get when you are really really vague in your prayers... insert weak laugh here.
I'm back to not sleeping well, Despite my melatonin. I have a feeling that that might be due to the copious amounts of caffeine I swig during the day to avoid taking more migraine pills (In case you didn't actually know one of the biggest ingredient in Advil and Excedrin migraine is caffeine and I would much rather get my doses in a bottle of Pepsi) I do generally stop when I hit the two and three hour mark before bed but I guess the build up is taking it's toll.
Well, I'm not going to complain. I do it to myself, so if I'm going to bitch at someone I might as well do it in the mirror and no good ever came of belittling myself in the mirror.
My heat smells like melting plastic. I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing...
So this morning, I don't go back to sleep. I am to take my moms neighbor to her doctors appointment. This is never a bother... In fact, I offered to take her.
Mrs. Lora is a sweet old lady that I would be proud to have as a grandmother. She has an elderly husband that they can never seem to get his sugar under control. One night it was actually under 10. When my mom is mobile she drives her back and forth to the hospital to visit him when he's there but when she's not I do. And it's curious how this came about. Mrs. Lora never really asked anyone for anything so far as I can tell, she's sweet and so far as I can figure everyone likes her. Yet when her husband was in a rehab (the kind for after a long hospital stay) about two months ago, she asked several people to take her up there. not take her and wait for her, just take her in the morning and come back for her in the afternoon. Like eight hours later. The place was quite literally five minutes from the senior complex where they live and do you know that people in that damn complex told her they would take her but she had to pay them twenty-five dollars!?!?!?!? I mean, dude! WTF? It's like a six block ride and they wanted her to pay that... Some people are shameless. Mommy and I offered. For free.
I swear, I had a lock on my gasoline soaked basket on the way to hell, but since moving here, I'm a much nicer person and look at me funny if you want to, but I'm not sure that's actually a good thing.
Did you ever see that Simpsons episode where Homer stopped being angry at Bart and these large lumps broke out on his neck? I feel like that's what my headaches are... Unused meanness. And that eventually it's either going to lump up on me and maybe kill me or come out in one big terrorist size blast that's going to fuck me with a lot of people. I'm talking massive scale like going t the Panthers Stadium and putting glue on all the seats so that no one can ever leave and then piping in the soundtrack to The Sound of Music in Tagolan (That's the language from Thailand).
I want coffee, but that would be a bad idea. Well not really. But it is a bad idea because for some reason, coffee, right now, tastes really bad no matter how I fix it and instead of wasting my precious supply I just choose not to start my day off disgusted.
Today is going to be one of those days that when I actually start my running, the Devil is going to look up and say, "Crap she's awake!"
UPDATE: Mrs. Lora called my mom who just called me. She doesn't have to go to the Dr. today! Yay! I can grab those last few hours of sleep by the tail!
Side note while I have time: Remember that man that I kept telling you I've been dreaming about? He's back. Well, he never really went away, but now he's back in a really clear way. Guys, I have seen his face. Fate or Morpheus or whoever is to take blame for dreams finally let me see his face and OMIGOD, if ever this man has been created, I'm going to have to fight hordes of women just to get at him... Then again, maybe not because he and I seem to have a connection. It's not really a surprise that he's white. Ive seen glimpses of him from different angles and I've seen his children. his eyes are what surprised me most. They are green with flecks of amber in then. And I finally placed his accent. It's definitely a Texas twang. My love is from Texas. Or his family is. Or he is there. IDK and IDC. I've heard his voice. His voice is like Kahlua gliding over ice cubes. Sigh...
Okay, the last child has left for school. Since I don't have to take anyone anywhere, I'm going to slide back into bed and grab a few z's...
When I get up, I think I might put my winter curtains back up. the sheer white ones are really only for spring and summer and since someone apparently hit the Autumn button for Charlotte, they aren't conducive to keeping my house warm... The life of a house...mom?
Okay, the brain is obviously started its shutdown mode sequence so Fare thee well all!!
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Sigh...
Bloggers, today was one of those tough days that it takes the toughest person to get through.
My son is going through a tough time at school because the kids are calling him gay, pushing him down and "teabagging" him. They are doing this because my son lives in a house of nothing but girls, has no one but us and my mother to turn to, and while I let him go off and do all the boy things he needs to and wants to, he has no male in house to turn to.
He literally turned to me today and in all seriousness told me that I need to get married again or at the very least get a boyfriend because he just can't handle being the only male in my house. It was the first time that he said it and I knew he meant it with all of his core. He wants a man in this house more than I do.
I've been holding on to a thought by a thread but today I realized that that thought is more of a dream and regardless of whatever, it's not going to come into fruition. At least I doubt it ever will.
I have two choices. I can really seriously start looking for a man or I can try and look into foster care and getting a little boy.
The second warms my heart because in truth, I have always wanted another little boy for Jovaughn to be with. I always felt bad that he had no brothers, only sisters. I felt even worse when, for the good of the family as a whole, I had to break us into pieces. If I could I would have so laid down and had another baby but I couldn't bring another child into a loveless relationship. I'd even thought of fostering way back when but even then, why would I bring another child into that?
When I got out on my own and it looked like for a hot second I could keep my head above water, I thought about it again. My son needs another boy to play with, to confide in.
As for the man, I have had enough looking. I have had enough let down. Men are not interested in me like that and I have to accept that. This is not the part where you chime in and tell me I'm a very pretty girl and that I should be patient and just wait. That God will send him to me. I have been patient. I have waited. I've waited years. I have prayed on it and thought about it, and written about it and guess what? Nothing. I so don't want to say that God isn't listening, because I have faith. At least I try to. I'm loosing my grip on faith.
I miss New Jersey. That's probably the first time I said it out loud but dammit I miss being able to go sit on the beach and think. I miss being able to go sit on the beach and cry so that no one can hear me. I just miss it. I love the water. I knew that the water was going to be far away from me when I moved here but I also thought that here is where I would find someone that wanted me. Here I would find that missing part. No not that missing part because I am complete with or without a man. So is my family.
That thought that I have been holding onto? That dream. I'm officially letting it go. I deleted the name from my text log, And I'm contemplating blocking it on Facebook. Seeing it brings me a mixed joy/pain feeling because I know that in the end I'm going to be left with a smoke and mirrors feeling. As much as I wanted it, I know now that waiting on it, the thought, the dream, is going to hurt more in the end because I've been marched up to the top of the hill and shown what life with love might be like but then in a scant two months, I've been kicked down the hill while facing the bully that says, "Stupid Claudette, that's what you'll never have!"
I know I say this often, but whatever. I'm used to being kicked. I hardly feel it anymore. Sure I feel the after effects long after the attack and the culprit has slunk away but whatever.
I'm currently browsing the NC Kids adoption website. I'm going to sign up to be a foster/adoptive mother.
I suck at attracting men while I have kids in tow. They all want hoodrats to give them babies that look just like them. They all want people that can hang out at a moments notice. Not women who have to plan that little time on their own.
But I rock at being a Mommy. And if there's a little kid out there that desperately wants to be loved then I will pour all the love I had set aside for a man into the Mommy cup.
I want to go sit on the beach, curl my toes under the cool sand and just let all my tears make the ocean a little deeper right now. But I can't. I have to stick with my decisions and I have to learn that this is what's best for me.
What's right for us.
What's right period.
My son is going through a tough time at school because the kids are calling him gay, pushing him down and "teabagging" him. They are doing this because my son lives in a house of nothing but girls, has no one but us and my mother to turn to, and while I let him go off and do all the boy things he needs to and wants to, he has no male in house to turn to.
He literally turned to me today and in all seriousness told me that I need to get married again or at the very least get a boyfriend because he just can't handle being the only male in my house. It was the first time that he said it and I knew he meant it with all of his core. He wants a man in this house more than I do.
I've been holding on to a thought by a thread but today I realized that that thought is more of a dream and regardless of whatever, it's not going to come into fruition. At least I doubt it ever will.
I have two choices. I can really seriously start looking for a man or I can try and look into foster care and getting a little boy.
The second warms my heart because in truth, I have always wanted another little boy for Jovaughn to be with. I always felt bad that he had no brothers, only sisters. I felt even worse when, for the good of the family as a whole, I had to break us into pieces. If I could I would have so laid down and had another baby but I couldn't bring another child into a loveless relationship. I'd even thought of fostering way back when but even then, why would I bring another child into that?
When I got out on my own and it looked like for a hot second I could keep my head above water, I thought about it again. My son needs another boy to play with, to confide in.
As for the man, I have had enough looking. I have had enough let down. Men are not interested in me like that and I have to accept that. This is not the part where you chime in and tell me I'm a very pretty girl and that I should be patient and just wait. That God will send him to me. I have been patient. I have waited. I've waited years. I have prayed on it and thought about it, and written about it and guess what? Nothing. I so don't want to say that God isn't listening, because I have faith. At least I try to. I'm loosing my grip on faith.
I miss New Jersey. That's probably the first time I said it out loud but dammit I miss being able to go sit on the beach and think. I miss being able to go sit on the beach and cry so that no one can hear me. I just miss it. I love the water. I knew that the water was going to be far away from me when I moved here but I also thought that here is where I would find someone that wanted me. Here I would find that missing part. No not that missing part because I am complete with or without a man. So is my family.
That thought that I have been holding onto? That dream. I'm officially letting it go. I deleted the name from my text log, And I'm contemplating blocking it on Facebook. Seeing it brings me a mixed joy/pain feeling because I know that in the end I'm going to be left with a smoke and mirrors feeling. As much as I wanted it, I know now that waiting on it, the thought, the dream, is going to hurt more in the end because I've been marched up to the top of the hill and shown what life with love might be like but then in a scant two months, I've been kicked down the hill while facing the bully that says, "Stupid Claudette, that's what you'll never have!"
I know I say this often, but whatever. I'm used to being kicked. I hardly feel it anymore. Sure I feel the after effects long after the attack and the culprit has slunk away but whatever.
I'm currently browsing the NC Kids adoption website. I'm going to sign up to be a foster/adoptive mother.
I suck at attracting men while I have kids in tow. They all want hoodrats to give them babies that look just like them. They all want people that can hang out at a moments notice. Not women who have to plan that little time on their own.
But I rock at being a Mommy. And if there's a little kid out there that desperately wants to be loved then I will pour all the love I had set aside for a man into the Mommy cup.
I want to go sit on the beach, curl my toes under the cool sand and just let all my tears make the ocean a little deeper right now. But I can't. I have to stick with my decisions and I have to learn that this is what's best for me.
What's right for us.
What's right period.
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