Marriage and the guy

In the two and a half hours sleep I got this morning (My neighbor's birthday was yesterday and the woman is a hard core partyer... she partied from three in the afternoon Saturday to three in the morning this morning.  Or rather thats when the music went down.) I managed to dream of my Asian guy again. 

Although I think that the dream I had this morning is a direct reflection on my extreme want to be married again.  I dreamt of my wedding and I got to see the dress I have been dreaming about and how it would most possibly look on me.  I have to say that it was very pretty.

I won't go into detail describing the dress... It's not important.  As much as I want to believe that this mystery man that I see in my dreams is out there waiting for me, I am giving up hope slowly.

Don't start consoling me.  It's okay.  I figure I had my chance and even though it wasn't the most ideal situation, I still managed to frick it up and I am one of those people that only get one chance.  So oh well.  I can deal with the no more marriage and maybe even the no more babies thing, but dammit, I want sex.

Sigh... I'm going to make my sims get busy...

Single and blogging and infinitely just that...

So... dreams...

I have been having this reoccurring dream for the last five days and it's not so much as the same thing over and over  (which I guess reoccurring means) but more like a story that just keeps playing until I wake up and when I get back to sleep it unpauses...

So for the last few years I have sworn off black men.  I haven't found one yet that knows how to treat a woman.  In my minds eye, a tall Italian came and swept me off my feet.  I don't know why, it's just been the ideal that  held onto and all men that even acted like I was someone they were interested in me was held up to that standard and sorry to say, failed horribly.

I could never see his actual face in my minds eye and few dreams.  I just knew that he was dark haired, mediteranian skinned, and taller than me with a deep voice.

Now, the last five nights, I have dreamt of another man, Surprisingly enough, he is Asian.  Never before have been attracted to an Asian man but this guy, I know this guy is the one that is the other half of me.  He is about my height, maybe a few inches taller, he wears his black hair short with a bit of a spiky look but I know that it isn't stiff because in my dreams, I have run my hands through it a million times and it smells of almonds.  He has brown eyes that slant the exact same way that mine do and in my dreams, I never have to ask him whats up because it's right there in his eyes.  His mouth isn't small but it isn't wide and his lips are soft as peach fur when you run it over your cheek going down (not going up)  His hands are soft  And for an Asian man, rather large.  I know that they are bigger than mine (which is saying something).  His build isn't athletic, in fact, he has a slight pudge in his stomach and a sprinkling of hair on his chest. (In the past I have abhorred hair on the chest.  In excess I still do I don't' actually know why)  He can't run.  I've seen this.  he can catch me though (In one of the episodes, as I am calling them, he was chasing me over a grassy hill and when he caught me we were both out of breath but he kissed me and I could swear my toes curled in and out of the dream.)  He doesn't have a baritone voice, but he does have a tenor voice and you guys, when he says my name (He calls me Claudette.  NO MAN has ever called me Claudette.)  I feel a shiver that again if I feel it that strongly while dreaming, I know I have to be tingling IRL.  I don't care if he's just calling my name or it's one of THOSE dreams and he says it in my ear, I still feel the tingle.

And his physical is not all I see.  IN my dreams, he plays with my children.  He plays basketball and soccer with Jovaughn, he does Karate with Kayla, and he jumps rope with Olivia.   My kids don't call him anything.  It seems the sound in my dream always, always, ALWAYS fails when it comes time to say his name and I can't read lips to tell what it is...

The last piece of the puzzle or perhaps, a big middle piece is he has a daughter and we have a daughter.  I can tell that the older Asian girl is maybe older than Jovaughn and no relation to me but I feel in my heart, that this is my child.  I love her like I love Jovaughn, Kayla Grace, and Olivia.  As for the little girl, She is clearly mine and my mystery mans child.  She has curly black hair and in the dream she is about two.  She's built like Olivia (That same dainty way that almost makes you think she's going to be petite ALL her life)  She has his face but my eyes.  And the thing that makes me know she is my daughter, she has my mothers hands.  Thick fingers with delicate tips  Fingers that say she can handle a wrench (Or will when shes older) but also play the piano.

I can't figure it out.  I know this man (And his daughter(s)) but I don't know this man.  I love this man, but I don't even know his name.  This man, whoever he is, makes me feel so complete that I want to be in his loving gaze for the rest of my life.

I can't keep dreaming about him.  I am in danger of falling in love with him and God help me if there meant to be men between he and I meeting, they will not stand a chance.

Oh bloggers, what am I going to do.

Single and blogging doesn't feel single... She feels complete but incomplete...

July...

My my my, July got here fast.  I guess I should actually start packing, huh?  In a way, now that July is here, I am sad.  i didn't get to spend enough time with my friends, I didn't go to very many parties, I didn't go on one single solitary date...Wait... why am I whining?  I'm going to a brand new state where people may want to invite me to parties because they don't know yet that I'm a wallflower!  I may get asked out by someone that's cute. (I have this running gag with my friend John that I am going to get down there and get engaged to some guy named Bubba and we'll run a shrimping business)

I am seriously going to miss New Jersey.  I'm not fool enough to believe everyone when they say "now I have a reason to come down to North Carolina" and "I promise I will come visit."  I know that I will probably never get to see a lot of the people I call friends here but there are only a few that I am truly going to miss.  And I don't have to say that here for them to know I am going to miss them.  They are for all intensive purposes the sisters my mom didn't have but God gave anyway.  He even arranged for me to meet one of them in quite possibly the most unorthodox way two people could ever meet!


Did i ever tell you how my BFF&E met?  No?  It's a funny story.  I will have to tell it sometime.  Not now though.

Yes, I am going to miss them...  Truth be told I'm pretty sure they are the only people who can put up with my major mood swings.  My mom can't even keep up.  And I've got all angles covered.  I have the galpal that will walk me through the deeper meaning of why I feel that way so that in the end I feel better.  I have the galpal that will just walk with me, both literally and figuratively, until I stop saying everything is fine and start talking.  Then I have the galpal that demands that I talk.  I mean demands, and then gives me the biggest hugs or she'll just stare at me like "WTF?  this is what you're stressing about?!?!  That's nothing, let's fix that right now"  I'm not going to find replicas of them in Charlotte and truthfuly, I don't want replicas.  I don't want to replace them, I want them.  If i could pack them and their families up and move them to NC with me I so would.

So lately I ave found myself changing my appearance.  I've gotten colored contacts, I've lost weight, I'm pretty much tossing out my wardrobe and am going to dress my age and not twenty years older...  I am serious, I am going on a manhunt.  I had a crush one one main guy here.  I have no clue why I fell so hard for him and part of me is still hoping for just one kiss before I go.  I'm not really into him anymore but hell a kiss from him would be one hell of a send off, but stupid stupid me, I can't tell him that I llike him!  Rumor from a friends dad said that he said if i wanted him to just go for him but I have never been that bold and the few times I was bold, I think he thought I was kidding...

Fark it.  I'm going to take my Michael Buble and go to bed...

Happy fourth of July

Single and blogging is probably going to miss the fireworks... Definately going to miss them...

Okay so....

I had a bit f a blow up on Facebook.  I'm only going to apologize for it here hough.  The person in question needs to sit back and wonder if I am talking about her.

I'm all for letting your friends know whats going on in your life and I admit every blue moon over Miami I am guilty of posting about my right foot while I'm on my left... Okay I'm not but I am guilty of excessive posting sometimes.

But this girl... OMG!! I'm going to the gym... boot camp... tired...going to the gym... bootcamp...omg what a great workout... going to the beach...going to the gym...bootcamp...so tired...going to bed...going to the gym...bootcamp...

Over and over and OVER!!!  It never farking stops.  I swear I just want to message her and tel her no one give a crap.  No shit, I have deleted this person four times from my friends list on facebook and four damn times she's come back.  She just doesn't seem to get that if your buddies with someone on facebook one day and not the next then maybe they got deleted.  I can almost see coming back once but after two three or four times I would wonder if they were deleting me on purpose.

Trust me when i tell you she's only still there because it's easier to have her there than to wake up to a friend request every morning.

My high school friends are funny.  Most of them I don't really talk to anymore because they've changed as people are apt to do over 13 years time.  I really only talk to the friends I talk to from high school because none of them have really changed since High school.  True they are all moms now but two of them were like my moms in high school and let me tell you I was a handful so they are well equipped to handle just about anything now.  The other has always sort of been that friend that stood on the outskirts but was still consider a really good friend by me nonetheless.  She did a little bit of Momming me too so I know her son and her future children will be well covered as well.  Then there are people like the one I will call the Disneyfreak.  She changed so much that in her warped mind we are all the enemy.  not sure what happened there but I strongly suggest that it may be that she still owns her V card and holding on to that excessively can make a person loose their minds.  Then there was the great dirty one.  I can only hope she's changed but I know she hasn't so... yeah...

Where was I going with this?  I have no freaking clue.  This is what having no kids in my house does for me.  My mind wanders and stays out past the streetlights coming home.  Tonight is one of those nights.  It's out there

I didn't even have the heart to tell my Sims what to do today... 

Gah!  I'm going to read...

Single and Blogging is bored and we know that means trouble so everyone refer to page 12 in your Disaster Preparation manuals...

Oy!!! What a day!!

I can do this without tears or cussing because at this point, I have now gotten eight full hours of sleep and am able to do like the psychologists say and look back with a bit of a laugh.  not a big laugh, but still a laugh...

So yesterday I took the kids up to my mother in law so that they could spend a week with her.  Randy is going to meet them up there Friday and they are going to celebrate the fourth there.  Then they are coming back because I finally made Randy see that although I would LOVE LOVE, LOVE a month to myself while I prepare to pull up stakes and head out of dodge, it wasn't worth it to the kids because they would spend 7am to 5pm in day camp and then three nights a week with a babysitter while he goes to school.  They wouldn't be spending the summer with Daddy, they'd be spending the Summer in Daddy's general vicinity.  He understood and finally agreed!  Yay me!!

And don't get me wrong I still think my mother in law is quite possibly a decent sized thorn in my side but after this month, I really won't have to deal with her as much anymore.  I won't be an hour and a half away and therefore in her summoning circle.  So anyway.  I took the kids up to Newark to meet her.  That actually went off without a hitch.  My train was scheduled to leave at 8:23 on track four so we said out goodbyes and parted ways.  I sat on the platform for probably twenty minutes due to the delayed status of my train.  It stayed delayed until 8:41 when it changed to canceled.  I didn't freak out, bloggers.  I held my cool.  I found a train station official and asked him what I was supposed to do now.  He said in one of the thickest Jamaican accents I've heard in a long time that I was supposed to get on the 9;21 local train.  I wasn't happy about it but what can you do?  You have to get home somehow. 



OMG!  The train was sooo crowded.  I mean there was barely standing room that's how crowded.  As I stood there panting because it was soo hot on the train one of the guys in a seat looked up and said "I can't have  you standing.  It's got to be hard to stand to stand like that!"  Then he moved and gave me his seat.  As I got marginally comfortable, he asked me when I was due and suddenly his chivalry made sense.  I looked up at him and told him late October. 

Oh don't look at me that way, I know it was wrong.  I also know that that one little sentence probably earned me an extra hot fire in hell but it got me a seat. 

Soon enough the train thinned out and I was able to get really comfortable so I slid on my music and let the train lull me to sleep.  I so wish I hadn't gone to sleep, Because when I woke up I was in REALLY unfamiliar territory.

That Territory being Trenton.  Okay, now i was upset.  I was panicked and upset and all the things that a person could be when they find themselves in strange territory.  I was crying and I was angry at myself for falling asleep and I was angry at the train official in Newark that told me to get on this train.  The police officer in the transit center in Trenton told me that I would probably have to go back o Newark to get on the train to bring me back to Long Branch.  I was even more upset to learn that the train to take me back up wouldn't get there until 11 and by the time I got home it would be close to two.

Turns out that when you cry and blubber and basically live up to every stereotype of brainless women that men hold dear, they like you just a little bit more.  So I cried, and a blubbered, and I whimpered.  And I got to ride the train back to Rahway for free.  The train to Long branch was only ten minutes later and guess what?!  It was one of the double trains!  Yay!  Got to Long Branch and the last Asbury train was waiting at the tracks. 

So one would think there ends my tale, right?  Nope.  I didn't have the five on me to catch a cab from the train station so I hoofed it.  Really so not the drama.  I walk the same walk almost everyday to get to the bus for work.  What was the drama? 

The Drama was when a car pulled up alongside of me and two white guys sat inside and the one in the passenger side asked me if I could give him and his friend a early morning special.  UNBELIEVABLE!  Granted I was dressed in my not much of a shirt scarf shirt but still!!!

I was tired.  My feet hurt.  My back hurt.  I had to use the potty.  What else could I have done?  I approached the car and and was about to tell them exactly how to get to the part hell they needed to be in, I saw the driver move his hand to just below his leg.  And it hit me.  VICE SQUAD!! Are you freaking kidding me??   I smiled, I leaned in and told them that I don't know who taught the police how to troll for hookers but they don't use phrases like 'early morning special' and that when looking for a hooker, it's not wise to roll two by two.  Then I leaned up and walked home.

I mean come on!  On the bright side I can now move away from Asbury Park with the full knowledge that I have been mistaken for someone else by both Asbury Public School Truant officers and now the Vice Squad.

Oh you didn't hear bout the truant officer?  That's a really short story.  About five months after I moved here I was walking back from somewhere and the police that pick up the kids cutting school (yes, they actually have that) asked me if I had a good reason for not being in school.  I said yes, I had graduated ten years prior.  He asked for ID and I didn't have any.  I must not have been going far or whatever because I had nothing but a few dollars on me.  Suffice to say this didn't  follow with the officer who made me get in the car and he drove me to the high school.  The lady in the office told him that she didn't recognize me.  I told her it was because I wasn't a student there, I was a great grown woman with kids of her own.  Ya!  In Asbury Park, that's not actually something that screams "I'm not in high school, you jackass!"  I  was given the opportunity to prove my age by calling someone to prove how old I was.  To his credit, the officer looked apologetic and drove me home saying he was sorry.

So I've been confused for a high school kid and a hooker.  I have been told that I looked young    and I've been told I looked trashy.  BY THE COPS.

I think it's time to leave Asbury Park...  What do you think?

Single and blogging is never taking the train again...

New look

I decided that with the move to a new town, I am going to do a new look.  I have lived the last eleven years one way and I am going to try something new.  Not that there was anything wrong with the old look, I am quite pretty with the old look. 


So I have had basically long hair for 12 years not counting the months when I rocked the baldy, and admit it, I rocked it most of the time, I have had hair that went well past the middle of my back.  At first doing it was a rebellion because although my mother let me express myself with braids, she insisted I keep them fairly short.  When i turned 18 I began wearing them as long as I could and I thought I looked good.  I was the woman in the summer who had masses upon masses of hair and was fine with it.

Yeah, not so fine right now.  Four day of ninety plus degree heat has taught me that long hair is not necessarily a good thing and straggling hair and buckets of sweat do not a pretty Dette make.  SO on the advice that I trim the matted end, I kinda went up further... I chopped it to my shoulders (RELAX!! I am talking about the braids I already had)  They aren't matted anymore, they flow ncely and the curls bounced back.  I think this length makes me look my age but not older or younger.  I like it...

Secondly I have always thought my eyes were the best part of me.  But by that I meant the shape.  To be very honest, I hate my brown eyes.  They do nothing for me.  My dad described them as beer bottle brown once in my youth and it stuck with me.  Every time I look at the color of my eyes I see beer bottle.  Hell I even give my sim green or blue eyes when I am making myself or I will give generations of sims grey, blue, and green and then give my father brown and let sim genetics tromp all over his.

Anyway, got off track there... I went to the hair supply store and get this!  They sell colored contacts that are the exact same that you get from the doctor except you don't have to have a prescription and you dont' have to pay the 99 dollar eye exam few for them.  I wanted grey, but of the colors they had I only liked purple and blue and I chose blue.  I plan t get purple, topaz and green before I move to NC.

So the result is the picture that I posted on my facebook.  I am happy, I am cooler (degrees speaking) and I  think I look more my age that I ever have.  I will post a picture here so you all can see...  You tell me...

So what do you think? 

I have to sign off, I am taking my kids to the city tonight to be with their grandmother for a week. 

Single and blogging is living with the heat...

Navy Numa Numa

Holy rusted metal, Batman!

Did you ever have one of those days where your skin was the only thing keeping you from spiraling off in a million different directions?  I think I am having one of those nights.  I want to jump up and down, I want to go to the corner store and buy a soda (although in retrospect I'm thinking that might not be such a good idea), I want to do cartwheels, I want to just move.

And not move in the terms I have been jabbering on all week about.  Move in the terms that I live three freaking blocks from the beach and a late night run in the sand and surf giggling like a crazy person might just come close to fixing the situation.

I really shouldn't have broken in the new coffee mug with actual coffee...  That stuff I get and grind at the commissary is powerful stuff Kemosabe.  Might be the espresso beans I ground up in there.  I really should have remembered those before I brewed the coffee and had two cups....

Gah!!

Stop laughing!  I know you are laughing.  Manky I know you are rolling off your chair right now, Andi, I just KNOW you are sitting there going "the girl has lost it, she's finally lost it!"  Clue for you chickadee, can't lose what you pawned off eons ago!!  LOL!!  You love me!!  Sneeze, you are probably shaking your head and telling lilttle one that Ms. Dette has broken out of the looney house again.

Seriously, i want a soda.

I think I am going through Greys anatomy and Desperate housewives withdrawal.  Lifetime whacked up the schedule so that now DH comes on at ten-one, GA is 1-4 and WS is 4-7.

Aside:  My downsairs neighbor is playing that song that has the beat that repeats over and over and over and over and over again and I am tapping my toe to it and I don't want to tap my toe to it.

I feel like Blanche in that Golden girls episode where she has insomnia and stays up and writes that novel that she thinks is award winning and basically it's just sunshine and rainbows on clear cloudy days...  That kind of crap.  I am so going to look at this tomorrow and be like Dude, WTF?

Oh wow, only ten minutes of the boom boom boom.  We're getting it down to a science.  It's like they know just how many minutes it takes to get me to the brink of insanity and they turn it off.  Haha Fooled them I passed the brink of insanity about a month ago!  HAHAHAHA!

OMG  Someone shoot me!!  Okay, I'm going to finish playing Evony now.  Well you can't really finish you just keep going anf going and going and going.  Yeah it's like that...

Dude, Single and blogging is having a skitzo moment...

Final Days...

So this morning I got out of the car at work and my boss walked up to the door with me.  I said "Good morning." but the response I got was "Are you still leaving?"  I gave a firm yes and I could almost hear the iron door on my good day shut tight.

It wasn't a bad day, per se, but it was the kind of day where you're in a conflict and one person in said conflict has just realized that no matter how much they baited and goaded, they've lost.  Lost with the kind of splat that a pie makes when it hits someone in the face on television.  We chatted but like the last few weeks' worth of conversations, I kinda felt that it was very stilted.  Two players on a stage kind of thing.  My artsy fartsy kinda readers should understand that.  This last month has really felt like a bad B rated stage play. IDK work used to be my sanctuary.  I used to go in and just know that it was going to be a good day.  I was going to be happy.  Then suddenly like a lot of things in my life lately, the whole axis just tilted and I could take it or leave it.  My AM, she started picking and choosing what days she was going to be nice and which days she was going to snip and snap at me to the point where internally I wanted to pull her throat out through her ears.  My relationships with my coworkers is the same.  Some days we all laugh and joke around and other days it's like "why are you even walking up my aisle??"  One of the guys used t laugh and joke with me and then his humor suddenly turned nasty and downright mean.  I don't get the supposed Ghetto humor but oh well.  My actual boss and I hit a plateau and that's where we are now.  In that horrible b rated stage play each of us dancing neither of us giving the final line.

I don't care anymore.  I can take it or I can leave it.  This can get read and I can get fired tomorrow for saying anything about my job although I didn't mention names of call anyone anything and it honestly wouldn't make a ripple in my pond because I realized something a few days back.  Dammit I've been in retail for sixteen years.  I may not count cash and do markdowns with the speed and accuracy that certain people expect from me, but very few people can whittle down a line of customers like I can.  I am a pro on most registers and I can do it with a smile and not have pissed off customers when all is said and done.  I don't need a recommendation or a transfer. I can walk into almost any retail store and ask and probably get a job .  I think if I am going to stay in retail when i get to Charlotte, then I would like to work in a boutique where it's just the manager and myself.  I wouldn't mind being a photographers assistant either.  I have so many interests it's hard to know which one I would like to turn into a career.  BUt I figure if I hold my faith, the path I am supposed to take will glow.

I am going to miss my friends.  For a long time, they have seemed like the wind that helped spin my world and I realize now that some of them weren't the wind.  Some of them were the base my world sat on.  And that was wrong.  I got to a place where I depended on my friends to include me in the things they were doing and it didn't dawn on me that not only did I not belong with them sometimes, I had spent my life being such a wallflower that they began to assume that I wouldn't want to be involved.  It was my fault and I apologize if anyone reading this ever thought that I was attacking them in my hurt at being left out.  I am not apologizing fror the being hurt, just apologizing for the way I handled that hurt.

I have a little over a month before I leave New Jersey.  The old me would have expected my friends to rush in trying to spend that last minute with me but the new and improved me knows that they won't.  My good friends, the ones that have put up with my mood swings and everything that comes with them, might want to spend a day with me and that is fine I will take it and I will smile and I will laugh and I will have a good time and at the end I will probably cry.
One thing I would like to do before I leave... I would like to have a night in the city.  I want to go to a club or a bar in NYC and dance and drink and have the absolute time of my life.  If I could I would like to get dressed up and for once, for once look like I am thirty and flirty.  I know it'll never happen mainly because most of my friend don't like the city and hmmm what am I forgetting?  Oh yeah!  I own nothing that makes me look thirty and flirty.  Well I do have the dress and thanks to Andi I have the support so I can wear the dress, but I don't have any place to wear the dress.

Enough lamenting and wishing.  I have somewhere to be soon so oh well... 

Wonder where I can get a countdown widget for my facebook...

Single and blogging is feeling a bit wistful...

Promise me...

Promise me that when I have given up on you and walked away without once thinking of you, you'll sit and wonder why...

Promise me that you'll remember all the times you went and partied on, forgetting me and then telling me "you should have been there" and you'll feel as bad as I did sitting...

Promise me that when you see pictures of me havign fun with friends that care about me you think about how I tried to be the spotlight dancer but you stole it all away...

Promise me that you remember how you called me a wallflower because I didn't like your music or your games and chose to sit quietly contemplating the fact that every move you made made me feel like I wasn't worthy and why was I there...

Promise me that while you are out there going on random date with girls who giggle and snort, girls who demand and don't give, that the "wallflower" was maybe the woman that could have been the one but she was too ladylike to make the first move.

Promise me that you won't waste your breath saying "we should have spent more time together" after I've gone. 

Yes after I've gone and left you, promise me that you'll remember that I was a much better friend to you than you than you were to me and that I am totally justified in walking away without giving you the first thought I sat and wished you had given me.

I would say something crude but I just can't  so all I'll say is... promise me...

Promise me...

When I'm gone...

When I've left...

Promise me...