December 27, 2023

 SO it's been a few days since I last posted.  I didn't forget, I just wasn't interested in sitting at my computer...

Ive lost count of how any days off Facebook It's been but I still don't miss it and I'm kinda wondering if I'm even going to go back.  It just seems like a big bother.  I'm neither happier or sadder... I just am.

Now onto news.  

Christmas happened.  You know that song that goes Beas greens potatoes tomatoes etc?  Yeh, that was my house. we had:

• Baked Turkey
• Baked Chicken
• Grilled/baked ribs
• Ham
• Sweet potato pie
• apple pie
• Collard greens
• baked potatoes
• mashed potatoes
• caramel cakeYellow cake (mine)
• cornbread
• rolls

I honestly feel like I'm leaving something out but we had a lot... and very little left over.  You know how Jonny Depp keeps asking why the rums gone in POC?  That was me..... Why's the food gone?  But we had a lot of people over.  And three people got to go plates.  Auntie pat came.  It was a great night.  We had a lot of fun.  And the next day, the sky fell down.

No like.. literally.  We got over five inches of rain.  Belmont is STILL under a flood warning because their sewer system sucks.  Its been a whole day of not rain and the water in the river that separates Belmont from Charlotte that was dangerously low is touching the bottom of the damn bridge.  There's a dip in the road near Sam Wilson Road on Wilkinson and that shit was a lake.  Im not even kidding.  There's a whole ass pipe that supposed to drain all that water from this very recognized dip into like this valley but did it do its job?  Nope.  At some point it did because the road drained but I think that's because someone came and did it manually.

I feel sorry for the homeless because dude, every single place that the cops normally don't bother them was ad partially still is under water or so wet it's marshland.

I wish I was kidding.

Side note, I'm watching Frozen for like the nine hundredth time... Did no one notice that they just left Kristoff and Sven at the lake?  Like uhm... sirs... you bought a kid with you and said child was not with you when you got home.... maybe start a search...?

Anyway.  In other news, my mother was right again.  And I hate it.

So the heat has been slowly diminishing in my car for like three months.  Maybe more. At first it wasn't a big deal because I live in North Carolina.  It's like perpetually warm.  If you can get past the winter months first thing in the morning, it's pretty much hot by noon.  So yeah it was a concern but not a big one.  Then it was only hot when I was going 85 mph down the highway, and the these last two or three weeks, I have had nothing but cold air.  Not even warm enough to do Lyft, so I've been doing door dash.  At least the only person catching pneumonia in my car is me.

We're up here googling like we know what the fuck we're looking at and come up with like four things it could be.  And we figured it was the midrange price wise thing and we were prepared to get car shield and all that and put my car in for servicing.  I got hoodies and padded leggings for Christmas so that I could keep working and not catch my death of cold.  Then out of nowhere, not only do I not have heat, this fucker wants to randomly start overheating.  Not all the time and really for like two minutes every four days.  And Mommy, again OUT OF NOWHERE says, go get a ting of coolant and put in your car.  The first day, I ignored her, the next day I fobbed her off, the third time she mentioned it, I flat out lied that I went and got it and put it in.  Tonight, this damn hunk of wheels and bolts does the bing bing bing overheating song and I'm like, I'm right here at Walmart, let me get this damn coolant.

Y'all, my coolant reservoir was so damn dry that shit had COBWEBS.  I quite literally heard my car go AHHHHH when I filled the reservoir.

And then I turned the car on and do you know that raggedy piece of wheels nuts and bolts had fucking heat???  Like, I'm sitting here in padded leggings, a long sleeve shirt and an extra plush hoodie burning the fuck up because now my car wants to work like a functioning car and I'm like oh no you didn't.

SO then I had to fess up to my mom.  She's like I'm gonna beat you.

Fun fact. I don't have to outrun my mom anymore... I just have to go two feet farther than her oxygen hose and she just put the short one back on because the long one was getting tangled.  So I basically just have to get past the living room and Im home free unless she chucks that one, gets to the laundry room, and puts THAT oxygen on.  If she can do that, I'm screwed unless I can get around her and get back to the other side of the house.  I figure it, I can do that, after getting down to my end of the house and getting back to her end, she'll give up.

I'm evil.

Oh!  I almost forgot the most important part. WE GOT A PUPPY!!!!!

I was doing door dash and I got an order for the PetsMart right down from the house and I was like I really don't wanna do a dash in gastonia but it was nine bucks so I took it.  I get there and the worker lady is outside holding this whining ball of black fur with the most adorable eyes you've ever seen and I'm like can I just hold him.  She says yes but before she can actually hand him over, little man jumps out of her arms and into mine like Pikachu, I choose you! Licks ensued.  

His name is Vishous Rhage But we call him Rhage.  He's named after my two favorite Brothers from the Black Dagger Brotherhood.  Petsmart says he's a pitta lab mix but the way he howls id say he has some husky in him.  But get this.  Someone dumped him in the bushes.  That's how he came to be at petsmart. I hope they burn in hell.  This little guy is on'y about 5-6 weeks and he's as big now as Luna was when she was six months old.  He's gonna be a big dog.

HE's not even my dog.  I wanted him to be my dog but he's Livy's dog.  All the animals in the world belong to Livy.  It's fine.  It's totally fine.

Okay well, that's all my news.  And I'm tired so I'm gonna call it a night.

Night loves!!

December 17, 2023

 I didn't do jack shit today.

I mean, I did my nails and watched Wonder Woman.  Did a load of laundry then made pancakes and bacon for dinner.

Took a shit.

That literally sums up my day.

Oh! I watched the first season of the First Wives Club on Netflix.  Love me some Jill Scott.  Have since she whacked that uppity shit in the back of the head with the bottle in Why did I get married. Michelle Banteau is kinda funny too. She hosts the Circle on Netflix and she was the MC in that survival of the thickest I watched last ... well I was gonna say last week but that was like four days ago.

Shit.

The baby turns 22 in a day. 

Yes.  Yes 22 is still playing relentlessly in my head.

The middle minion is on the train. At this precise moment, she's in Greensboro NC.  112 miles away.  I briefly toyed with staying up to go get her from the train station but that'll be at three am. I love my child but I need Amtrak to do better. I took that very same train down to Charlotte from NJ 26... oh god old moment... years ago and I remember damn well that that train got in at a reasonable hour but now 26...oh god damn I feel old... years later that bitch wanna roll in like a WYD booty call at three am... DO  BETTER. AMTRAK!

I'm doing pretty good at remembering to do this every night.  

Why does Netflix pretend like that twatwaffle Meghan Markle is the reason Suits was popular??  Ugh... I can't stand her and Cuntmilla. Now watch me finally be able to move to England and be one of her loyal subjects. Snort.

My head hurts.  I'm about to fall in to bed and give my pillow some head.

Snort... like I remember how to give head.  It's been way too long.

I think I need therapy y'all.  I'm cracking up. Well not that's not true I was cracked years ago. Now I'm broken and laughing at my own bad jokes.

Snort!

Groan.  Help me

Also I think my keyboard is dying. Poop.

Okay, I'm really signing off now.  Night!

December 16, 2023

 Is this Day three of Facecrack?  I've kinda lost count.  I don't wake up and it's the first thing I check.  One person outside from the six I've told has noticed.  They texted me and asked if I'd blocked them.  I don't block anyone.  Well, that's not entirely true but you have to do a lot for me to click that button.

Had a very interesting Lyft night.

Also had my first contract violation with them but it was taken off pretty quickly.  I went to go pick up a Lyft ride in Gastonia and the older lady, her son, Daughter, and grandson get in the car.  Now, my screen says I'm picking them up taking them just outside of McAdenville and taking them home.  Before I can even question how asinine that sounds to me, the older woman says to one of the younger adults that they're going to have to wake up the grandson because he's going to miss the lights.  Big honking screeching sound in my heads.  Wait a minute.... Your stop is the McAdenville lights???  And she says yes.  With a dead ass straight face this ditzy ass white woman looks me in the eye and tells me that they've books a Lyft to go through McAdenville to see the lights.  I told her no and that I was cancelling the ride.  Now the young man, (I'm assuming was her son in law because the girl looked a bit ike her and had the same clueless why is this lady mad face as her mother.) looks like he wants to say "see, I told you this was a shitty idea."  and he starts to get back out holding the still thankfully sleeping little boy.  Mom is angry.  Why won't I take them to see the lights?

Now if it had been a Monday thru Thursday I would probably have not had as big a deal with this run but Saturday night at 7 pm, the line just to get into McAdenville is about a one to two hour wait.  Then you can't really get through it speedily because the normal 25 mph speed limit is kinda reduced to like 2 because people want to see everything.  So picking them up at 7, we might have gotten into the lights around 8 maybe 8:30 gotten through them by 8:45-9:15 and then back to the house.  So looking at a minimum of about two hours with this family in my car.

For $13.09.  Oh no, you don't need to go back and read that again.  The whole trip would have paid me $13.09.  See when you add a stop to a Lyft, I'm supposed to get there, wait up to 5 minutes and then continue on.  If this had been a normal Lyft that whole trip might have taken 20 minutes but nooooooo they want to catch a Lyft to see the lights.  Not a Lyft to get out and walk the lights and call a Lyft on the other side, not they wanted me to take them through the lights.  No. No.  Nah.  Hell no.

She called Lyft and complained.  But I beat her to the punch because the moment I drove off I was on the phone with customer service and they guy was like why did you cancel the stop was approximately five or somewhat miles from the start and destination.  While he's talking to me, her complaint comes through.  She emailed it in.  She told them I flat out refused to take them anywhere.  I don't think she gave a reason just that I refused.  So now, I'm explaining to the operator and the very best thing I can tell him is of he had google he'd understand.  But I did tell him that they didn't want an actual stop stop, she wanted her "stop" to be going through this three miles town at two freaking miles per hour.  Now I don't know if he googled it or what but he put me on hold and came back less than two minutes later and said not to worry about it, they were going to handle this and it wouldn't affect me.

Also, not sure if I mentioned it last night, but my heat is busted in my car so Mommy bought me a little dashboard heater.  It was working really well, and then it wasn't.  I thought I blew a fuse because the whole cigarette outlet is toast now.  I stopped by Auto Zone today and pulled the "Im a woman and only know that car go zoom" face and he went in and got the fuse only to show me that it wasn't blown.  So now I have a way bigger problem.  Yay.

I really need my night meds to kick in.  Toodles for the night, I'm going to lay down.

December 15, 2023

 Day 2 without Facebook.

You'd think since I preface every blog with my days off Facebook count that I care but I'm finding that I don't really care for the book of Faces.  And with that comes this odd calm of not seeing people deliriously happy and at the Christmas parties no one ever invites me to.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have a Christmas party but then I don't think I should.  I go all Donna Reed when I'm in charge of entertaining.  It's pretty for you, but so not pretty for me.  For me, it involves a lot of very spastic movements.  Maybe a lot of yelling and a few tears... 

I went lifting today.  I like Lyfting way more than Dashing.  I don't have to do anything except drive.  True I get the odd stinky person but that's why they make glade air freshener oil.  I just have to remember that one pump will do it.  Two is pushing it and three I have to put down all the windows.  I will not be lifting at Christmas though.  Oh hell no.  I did that at Thanksgiving and oh my lord the airport was a nightmare straight out of M Night Shamalan. People were actually getting out of cabs and walking to the entrance.  If they'd have staying in the cabs a lot of traffic might have been managed but then Charlotte drivers don't know how to queue correctly.  They never have.  

I am going to DD around Christmas and probably Christmas Eve because they have been giving super huge tips and I just ordered my Catering bag so hopefully I'll get orders that make the bending and lifting and climbing of stairs worth it again.  I probably never should have ventured into Lyft.  I would never know how much more I like it.  But I guess that's life.  Always finding new ways to live it.

Had a ride all the way from Albermarle road up by Lawyers road all the way to Stanley today.  An hour and a half in the car with this guy that was a tire mechanic and smelled like it.  Not a bad smell, per se just not a smell I would volunteer to smell for that long.

I don't really have much to say tonight.  I'm actually rather tired.  Ive already turned on the heated blanket that keeps my bed nice and sweltering.   It should be toasty hot by now.

So goodnight.  Sleep tight!

Day 1 without Facebook.

 Well blogland, I deactivated my Facebook last night.

Admittedly I did it in the midst of the beginning of my seasonal breakdown and I was crying and as I always do, I just wanted to run away.  I think deactivating Facebook is the adult version of running away.

The problem is, Facebook or rather, Meta owns so damn much that it's next to impossible to log into stuff once you shut down your account.  Like every turn leads to reactivating the bitch so you can't really run away.

I get sucked into this black hole every yearend I'm never able to fully pull myself to the edge until after the Valentines Candy is sold out and all the lovely doves shit is over.

For the 16th yearn a row, when the clock strikes midnight into the new year I will be alone.  Nearly everyone I now will have someone to kiss and I will not.  For God knows how many years in a row, I will have no-one that thinks of me on Valentines day.  No one to send me a card or kiss my cheek and tell me they love me.  

Because no one loves me.

I have to sit here in my room every night and watch people meet that special someone, brag about how happy they are, post pictures of them together, get engaged and eventually married and they play all this out on  Facebook for everyone to see and then either don't get that some of their friends look at that stuff (because we can't avoid it) and want to go cop squat in traffic. It's not that I don't want them to be happy.  I really love that they're happy.  Just want to be that happy.  Just once in my life.  

I was married but I was never happy.  Randy didn't want to be married and he made me feel every bit of his anger at being married.  Every single day.  I was never happy in my marriage and neither was he.  Th difference is that he went out and he found Gabi and they are happy. He's finally happy and I'm still sitting here in the fall out shelter that's become my life.

Do you know that I haven't been invited to a holiday party in years.  Every year I see people post pictures of their parties and I might lie them or comment that it looks like they had fun and they inevitably come back and say "You should come next year!"  I would freaking love to come but I only find out you had a party the day after.   Stop telling me I should come next year if you never tell me when the fucking party is!  That just tells me that you don't want me there in the first fucking place.  I have never once been invited to a Halloween party, a Friendsgiving, or a Christmas party. Not even a New Years party.

I'm 44 years old and I have never once been see to a holiday party. Not even a 4th of July party.  I had a birthday party thrown for me once but it wasn't really a party for me.  I mean only two people talked to me the whole night.  At my party.  That felt great.

I finished Survival of the Thickest on Netflix yesterday.Good show but it made me realize that I'm simply not fat enough.  You can have love if you are a twig. And you can find love if you are big as a Macy's day parade float. But if you are only mildly big, you don't get love.  You get backaches and headaches and wanting to crawl into traffic on a major highway blindfolded.

And don't try to lose the weight  so you can be a skinny mini because being big and beautiful is so in right now.  It's hot.  For years we lived with the barbie thin models and now, the big girls are taking over. But not the little big girl, just the big big girls.  They're the only ones that are beautiful enough to be happy in their skin.

I swear if I were more religious, I would join a silent convent.  Never speak to anyone ever again.  Won't have to worry about parties.  Won't care about being left out.

What a crock.

Sixteen years I've been feeling like this.  My marriage sucked warm donkey balls in the desert sun but I would have rather been miserable WITH a husband than miserable knowing I failed at marriage.  Just like my parents.

I thin that's what it comes down to honestly.  All my life I've wanted to be someones loving wife.  I'm not lying when I tell you that I really had no other when I grow up goals besides being married and growing old with him.  No princess, not anything remotely feasible.  I only ever wanted to be the someone that he came home to night. I only really ever wanted to be the someone that kissed him as he left for work and kept the house.

Which is odd because I kinda suck at housekeeping.  Well not not really I don't, I just have no one that I will ever bring back to mine so why clean it up.

When I think of all the boys I had crushes on in my life I feel like I didn't even know who the girl that liked them was.  And some of those guys are just straight assholes.

Like Ben Brody. That little fuckface with the gimpy thumb.  I was in love with him his senior year and he ignored the ever loving fuck out of me.  I saw him after I was grown and married.  Randy and I were at Atlantic City and I introduced him and do you know that that that maggoty fat fuck had the nerve to look at Randy with pity like "Oh man you married her? I feel for you man."  I had a crush on Chuck Egan.  He like some skinny brunette.  BE he's still good peeps.  There was Jason Ambrose.  No idea where he is now.  Don't really care.  Jason Sadwidth.  I think that was his name.  I know it was Jason.  I really liked him but I was just the goofy friend to him.  The girl with the Swiss rolls that would always share.

Don't boys know that if a chubby black girl shares her Swiss rolls with you, that means she pretty much loves you? I mean come on, we don't come up off of chocolate for just anyone??  Liked a guy named Mered Parnes.  Also Santo Perrotto.  They can both rot in a hell of my choosing. Both of them.  Both of them took big strides to embarrass me to show me just how revolting I was to them.

And then there was the great Donald.  He knew I liked him.  HE even threw me a bone and we slept together but I had a mini mental breakdown because things in my life were going just a lot haywire and he dropped me so damn fast I got whiplash.  It's taken me years say outloud that I dislike him.  I haven't gotten past dislike. Im stuck there.  But I dislike Donald because he used me and let me hang there like stinking rag just waiting for him to have time for me again.

I need to go to bed.  It's a quarter after one... 

And I'm all alone and I need you now.

Sorry my subconscious would have sung that song all night in my dream if I hadn't finished it.

Blog you later.

So over living here...

 Well, 2023 is coming to a close.

Surprise surprise, life still sucks ass. No not ass.  Ass isn't the right word.  You know how when you are walking across the lawn in the rain and you step in a mud puddle and just as you are trying to get the mud off your shoe, you step into a dog shit pile and as you're rubbing that shit off your step into a manure pie because the lawn was just mulched.  Yeah, my life's like that smell.

Pizza Hut fired me exactly one week before my birthday. Do I feel bad?  No, not at all.  Honestly, I'm glad to be out.

Financially I'm struggling but I'll get there.  One day.

Keep in mind, that's the ONLY thing I'm hopeful about for 2024.

I sent yet another year with no man even so much as grazing any part of me hidden by clothes.  Y'all, not so much as a smile from one.  

I gave up soda to help watch my weight.  I gain ten pounds.  Or twenty, I'm not counting.

I stopped living my whole life online.  Not sure why I did that but I think it was because I was made aware that guys don't like women that are attached to their social media. Pretty sure that was bullshit.  It's whatever, I don't even know how to post deep in-depth shit online anymore.  

You know, I have changed who I am so many times, I don't even know who I am.

How sad I that?  I don't even know who the fuck I am.

I know I'm fat.  I think I'm black.  I mean currently my mom is slow cooking neck bones in the crockpot and it smells like boiled footballs so I know I'm not that black.  I'm like just a smidge past the Mason Dixon black but not slow cooked pork neck bones black. Cause ewww. I know I can be annoying.  I figured that out years ago.  I also know I'm batshit crazy.  I feel like that's part of my charm.  But as for the rest of me I don't know who that is.

Did you know that a lot of new shows on Netflix were about plus sized black women finding their groove this year? Do you know what that taught me?  That I'm not fat enough to find my groove.  The men seem to only want the really big girls.

Why can't they want the moderately big girls?  Or maybe they do and they just don't want me.

My last post was may 22, 2022.  I said I was pretty sure I'm never having sex again.  Called it.  

At this point, that's probably a good thing.  Im pretty sure if I were ever able to have an orgasm again, Id do some dumb shit and bark because I don't know how to react.  

Fuck the new year.

Happy 2024yall...

So tired...

 Wow... it's been almost a year since I used this blog.  One would think that Iforgot it was here, but I haven't.  Every now and then I pull it up and read back that was the mess that is/was my life.  It's not fun.  Its a special torture that I reserve for my really bad days.

Well, I'm back at slut hut.  I went back as a driver, but it took them approximately five months to lasso me back into a collared shirt.  Not even going to cover how that happened.  If you know you know.

On to the title.  So tired.

I am so tired of people telling me, "I can't hang out with you because you have kids."  Like, have you ever heard of a babysitter?  Ever?  They exist so that parents can go have a life.  Except for me apparently.  I don't need to hire babysitters, because 80% of the people in my life decided that they can't hang out with me because I have kids.  Why hire a babysitter when you have no life.

And my favorite are the men who LOOK ME IN THE EYE and tell me, "I can't date you because you have kids."  Like, when I was freshly single and had three not quite big enough to fully understand kids, I saw it, I accepted it without much of a fight.  When their father managed to not only have one relationship with another woman while he had them, and then proceeded to marry another woman while he had them, I thought, okay, they understand.  Now to find someone for me.

But no.  I am undateable because I have kids.  Period.  No argument.  

I've been told that THIS YEAR. 2022.  I have a 23, 22, and a 21 year old.  My 23 year old has a son of his own.  I am a mother fucking GRANDMOTHER, but nope, I can't get a date... because I have kids.

And yes, he was serious.

I'm the fuck friend.  But only occasionally.  Why?  Because I have kids.  Now I'm not even the fuck friend.  

Im honestly scared to even attempt to have sex again.  It's been so long, what if I fuck up and scream out that I love them and want to marry them?  What if I bark?  Oh God, what if I fart in the middle.  I'm 42 now and a grandmother, sometimes the gas has a mind of it's own. LOL, just kidding, but secretly... not really.

Not that it matters.  I will likely never have sex again.

Because I have kids.

They say life sucks and then you die.  Is that a promise because I think I've more than fulfilled my sucking quota.  I'd like to die now.

And be reborn as someone pretty with a flat stomach a nice ass and more than a handful of tits.  

Probably won't get sex then either...

groan...

What the fuck...

 ...did I do to deserve this Karmic revenge?  I feel like I did some serious shit to someone in a past life that THIS life is where the karma bus dropped me off and told me "good luck" and drove away.

So Mildred died Saturday.  It was not a surprise. It w as very expected.  We all knew it was coming Saturday was a great day.  One of the bests that I have had in a long while. But Sunday?  What the fuck and where the fuck did that come from.  Dell called me to tell me about her mother and I was quiet and went on.  I don't know if it didn't hit me then or what.  But I don't think that's what this past few days is about.  Sadly, I think it was the trigger.

Since Covid started, my mother has become this recluse that acts like I am her one and only lifeline to the outside world.  If I step away for even a second, she will drown.  Like literally drown.  If I work more than my normal in her eyes, she suddenly needs to call me EVERY DAY and sometimes during work.  But if I answer and tell her I'm at work, se's like "Oh! I'm sorry!  I forgot!" but then has to have a conversation regardless and if I insist that this can be done later, she gets all moody.  Even if I call her back when I'm not at work, moody.

I don't understand this at all.  Like AT ALL.  I was raised by a no nonsense, I-can-do-it-all-by-my-damn-self woman who raised me not to be needy.  As a result, needy people annoy the ever loving hell out of me.  I even raised my kids to be self sufficient so that they aren't needy.  Well two of my kids at least... well one... Fuck it, I don't know.  So my mom suddenly needing me every goddamn day is throwing me and when I try to distance myself just a little bit because I don't want to snap, she makes it seem like I'm leaving her on a island all by herself and sailing away for parts unknown.  Never to be seen again and this causes a panic attack. which makes her call and whine and need me.  I don't even know what happened Friday but not being able to catch her breath and me not responding in the manner she deemed appropriate for the situation caused a whole host of problems.  It went into t Saturday but when she checked the location on her phone to see that I had flitted all the way down to South Carolina we went back to me sailing away and leaving her on an island all alone and BOOM, instant full blown, I can't breath, I'm scared and you aren't here I need you help me whoa is me episode. Sunday, much of the same but I was local now so it wasn't THAT big of a deal.  Monday, her doctor called her back and told her it was a panic attack and guess what?  She's fucking fine.  Oh but not before she ordered a medic alert panic button.  Yay.  We have to cancel the trip to Cherokee.  My time in the mountains with no one but me and a stream and a rocking chair?  Oh that's toast.  No, she doesn't think she should be around the smoke and she won't be able to walk tat far and cue violins but maybe... since it's her birthday this weekend I can take her by the new casino at kings mountain where she's been wanting to go for weeks now.

Does anyone see what she did here?  Guilt trip.  It's my birthday so I HOPE you'll come by.  I'm feeling better now and when I feel better I get so LONELY.  Instead of going all the way to Cherokee where I won't be able to walk the casino, maybe we can go the one twenty minutes from my house that's equally as huge but you'll be WITH ME when I have to sit down because I CAN'T BREATHE.  I don't like it when YOU are down.  It makes ME feel bad.

I swear my mother could give a Jewish mother from the sixties a master class in how to successfully throw a guilt trip.  Any one of the mothers on sitcoms from that era have absolutely NOTHING on my mom.

And I absolutely CANNOT vent to my friends because they don't have moms anymore so no matter what, even when they say I can vent, I feel like world's most ungrateful person because they're moms have gone on to god and I'm here complaining about mine.  

It is so hard for me to ask for help.  I don't know how and if I manage to  get the words out for one time in my life, I get platitudes.

why doesn't anyone understand that I just need to walk away?  From all of it.  Create a new life in a place that no one knows me and not do this anymore.  What scares me the most is that my mom is 76 this year.  I don't have many more years left with her and when she's gone, I am probably going to do just that: Walk away into the sunset and not one bloody person will be able to find me because I am so over this.

Like I said, I think Mildred dying was the trigger that set off a bomb that's been smoldering for a long time.  I don't even like my job anymore.  Death has always felt like a sinking ship to me.  A sinking ship that drags everyone around it under with no hope of getting back to the surface again.  I usually walk away before death swings his scythe.  But I couldn't this time and this time, it dragged me under and took all the compassion I had because I can't tell you right now that I care about anything.

My job annoys me, my mom annoys me... but here's the kicker, if you tell her you just need space, she gets moody and remember that little goddamn island and me sailing away...?, the fact that my kids refuse to knock before they bust open my door, yeah that annoys me too.  My animals annoy me.  The fact that that fucking kitten has managed to most likely get Satan's mistress pregnant and I'm going to have to deal with that soon annoys me.

I don't have a pastor that I can talk to because Hagwood, not that personable and guess who is good friends with my mom?  Can't talk to anyone in the church because guess who they're ALL good friend with?  Don't have a man that can just give me one of those man hugs that fix shit because I am only a fuck friend.  Derek, on'y wants to fuck me.  Doesn't want that emotion shit.  Donald?  Only wants to fuck me.  Like he won't even read a text I've sent for a whole fucking week.

Fuck this!  Fuck it all!  What the fuck did I do to someone in a past life that this is my penance? I can't find love.  Like he's not out there.  I don't believe any of it anymore.  He's not.  I'm going to die alone.  I am going to be singing all by myself until the day that I can finally finally FINALLY lay down in bed and close my eyes and wake up in a new life.

And please God if I did anything to anyone in THIS life that's going to screw the next life just let me be someones guardian angel of something.  Please don't give me another life like this.  I might just have to fall from grace and defect because damn, it is incredibly had to associate the God that church tells me loves me with any deity that would let this life continue like this.  How can I believe that some unseeing force of whatever WANTS me to be this miserable?  

Just please tell me what did I do?  Why is this my life?  Who did I screw so cosmically over and where can I find them to apologize?

I can't do this much longer.  I just can't...

Growing up

 So I told my mom when I got the new car, it would just mean me having to grow up.  Gone are the days when I can choose not to work until noon or one pm and be off by five.  I have to grow up and take the morning hours so that I can afford the adult car.

To that end, last night I started a new bedtime routine.  I take my pills at nine and go to bed by eleven.  At 10:45 last night I shut down my computer and climbed in bed.  At 11 when the bedtime alarm went off I turned off my phone and rolled over.  Did I go right to sleep? No.  But I didn't give up and go back to my phone I laid there and eventually it was five AM when the rain started.  And then it was 8 am.

I don't feel like I wanted to stay in my bed forever, and I don't feel the least but tired.  I almost kinda hopes that this will become my new normal.  It's not a bad feeling.

But I have to go. It's raining again and that means people in Charlotte will completely forget how to drive. So one must be on her p's and q's today.  Today is the 8 hour day so let's see how this goes.  

Smell ya later... Hey now, you didn't really expect me to jump totally into Adulthood did ya? LOL

Ta!

Why

Why does no one ever listen until you find yourself screaming?  Bald from where you e pulled your hair out not that it matters anywhere because stress is causing it to fall out anyway?  Clothes are falling off of you because you e list so much weight because you don’t even have the desire to eat even enough to keep yourself alive because if you’re alive that means this just continues.

I want to die.

I don’t even want to run away anymore I... I just want to die.

My mom is going in for surgery and as per her usual her being scared that she won’t make it out alive means that she feels like she had full god given permission to treat me like shit.

I am never going to be the daughter she wants.  I don’t call every few hours.  I don’t go visit her.  I don’t make her my number one person all day every day.

During this fucking pandemic shes has closeted herself in her house.  She won’t go anywhere she won’t do anything.  But me, the essential one is supposed to drop everything and run out to Gastonia and visit her.  At no time did it ever dawn on her that she could climb in her car and come see us.  Why?  Because my house is a mess and my lawn is not awesome and it’s such a long way and yada yada bullshit.  I mean, even if she just sat in the driveway to chat isn’t that a reasonable compromise than me trekking out to Gastonia all the damn time?  

This year on her birthday she pretty much demanded we come out to her.  That would have been fine and great since it was her birthday and no one would have minded but doing that meant that three people had to call off work because she wanted us ALL DAY and when I mentioned maybe half the day she pulled the “But it’s my 75th birthday!” Card.

In June I went away with my friends for one weekend and I didn’t call her every night of that mini vacation so by the time I got back she was butthurt  and didn’t want to speak to me.   

I wish it was just my mom this time.  It’s never just my mom. And I’m old enough to realize that my mom only gets under my skin when something else has already broken the skin.

I recently got insurance through my job.  Which is awesome but to maintain it you have to work an average of 35 hours a week and no matter how many times I try to tell them I am tired and hurting and need to keep it at that 35 maybe 40 hours a week, Linda keeps loading me up to the point where last week I hit 58 hours and this week is rolling up on the 50 mark.  I even said I wanted to make Saturday my one day off.  The one day where I could just take it down.  That email was responded to by say lol ok and could I work next Saturday...

I just need it to stop.  All of it.  Stop.

I have runner tendencies and I really feel like the day after I lose my mom people are going to look up and I’m going to be gone.  Slipped away without a word to anyone to a place where I can finally take a deep breath and exhale.  Someplace where no one is constantly nagging me, asking me for anything, or demanding anything from me.

Someplace where only those who have been paying attention will even think to look.

Away.